IUGR

It's official - we have a diagnosis of IUGR, Intrauterine Growth Restriction, for Twin A. I went in today for a growth scan, and I really wasn't expecting a great result. Over the last couple months, baby A has been falling on the growth scale - in fact, they both have been. 3 weeks ago, baby A was 10.8% of normal, and baby B was 20%. Today, baby A decreased even further to 4.5%, but baby B increased to 32%!  I was more surprised that baby B increased on the charts than that baby A decreased. They had both been steadily decreasing, but B not as high of a rate. 

With the diagnosis of IUGR, I start going to even more appointments: twice a week NST's, once per week dopplers. But no more growth scans. And a c-section on May 30, when I'll be 36w5d. My doc considers that close enough to 37 weeks, which is her ideal for IUGR situations. Any time I go in for these NSTs and dopplers, if anything looks bad, then they'll send me immediately to delivery. 

I guess they're trying to find the optimal time when it's better for twin A to be out than in. Over the next 3 weeks, they are both still growing, still gaining maturity in lungs and other functions, and the longer they can stay inside, the better their overall outcome will be. But only if they stay alive. 

That's the ultimate risk with IUGR babies. Something is not working, probably the placenta. For baby A, his placenta isn't doing a good job of transmitting nutrients and oxygen from my body to his. The dopplers, which measure blood flow through the umbilical cord, look good, and as long as that continues, he'll still get nutrients and continue to live. But it could stop. 

For the first time today my doc mentioned the risk of stillbirth, and it's really scary hearing that word. I think she was just trying to explain the whole situation, especially because my husband was at the appointment and he normally is not, but it's still an awful word to hear. What if after all this, after everything we've been through, we lose our little guy in the final three weeks??? 

I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude, trust the doc and her opinion, trust that she knows what she's doing and is doing the best for our boys, but part of me wishes we would deliver now. I can't help thinking that my body is failing little baby A, that he would be better in the NICU, where they could directly provide him with food and we would know he's getting nutrients, as opposed to this guessing game we play twice a week. 

Three more weeks. No more than three weeks, and I'll meet these little guys. I'm hoping they're both ok when we meet. I know that even when they're out, the little guy, baby A, may face some more difficulties, the kind that come with IUGR babies. I'm trying to stay away from the Internet, at least some, but it's hard. I just hope they'll both be okay. 

Home Again

After a day and a half in the hospital, multiple monitoring of the babies, a 24-hour urine test, multiple blood tests, I have been sent home with the same diagnosis I walked in there with: pregnancy induced hypertension.  Yes, it keeps getting higher, but they can’t find any evidence of pre-eclampsia in my body.  So very good news!  I have been cleared to go home and wait a little longer.  I have a renewed commitment to bed rest.  I have to admit, I’ve been doing too much cleaning and stuff at home.  But I really need to focus on laying down as much as possible, and just being okay with living in a shithole of a place.  It’s really not dirty exactly – every two weeks, I have a housekeeper that comes and cleans.  And it appears the dishes get washed occasionally.  But there is stuff everywhere!  We still haven’t unpacked completely, and my husband decided to get some boxes unpacked this weekend.  But his idea of unpacking is take stuff out of the boxes and spread them all over the house.  There are pictures propped up in rooms all over, but not actually on the walls.  There’s a huge pile of stuff at the top of the stairs to the basement – things that need to go downstairs – but haven’t actually made it down there.  And every counter in the kitchen is covered with stuff.  Because he also did the great thing of going to the grocery store, but he didn’t actually put away the non-refrigerated stuff!  Why oh why? 

I’m trying to chill out and just accept things for awhile, but it truly drives me nuts.  I know that if I just get up and take care of it, it would only take 1-2 hours to do it, but I also know that it would start a chain reaction in my body – contractions, higher blood pressure, and maybe another round of hospital checks.  So I lie down, and try to ignore it when I make my slow little trips to the kitchen to get food.  At least there is food in the house – right?  He provided that, so I need to just be okay with it. 

I go back to the doc on Friday for another growth scan.  It will have been 3 weeks since the last scan, and I think I’m most worried about that.  All this distraction about my high blood pressure and possible pre-eclampsia seems to have taken the focus away from the true worries – my little guys growing.  Last time one of them was down to 10.8%, and that was down from 48% only six weeks prior.  We have been on a bad trajectory for both of them, so I would not be surprised if it’s even worse.  From what I’ve read, high blood pressure doesn’t help with growth either.  I have been pounding the protein shakes, and trying to eat  as much as possible.  The weight for me has definitely gone up – I’m definitely following if not exceeding the weight guidelines for twin pregnancies.  But I’m afraid it’s not translating to appropriate weight gain for the boys.  I don’t know what else to do – I guess just lie here as long as possible. 

I’ll be 34 weeks on Saturday, which my doctor is very happy about.  She says that 34 weeks makes a big difference for the babies, especially regarding NICU time and care that is required after birth.  I’ve taken the steroid shots, and she moved me from Lovenox to Heparin, to be ready for a quick delivery if necessary.  I guess all we do now is wait.  I don’t think she’ll let me go past 37 weeks, so 3 weeks max after Saturday.  I’m hoping that we schedule a 37 week c-section date on Friday, just so we have something to focus on.  The nursery isn’t ready, and I don’t have a hospital bag packed.  I just can’t get too excited about all that stuff.  All I want is to stay pregnant for a few more weeks to give these boys the best fighting chance possible.  The rest will all fall into place.

Reporting From the Hospital

Before anyone gets excited/worried/whatever, the boys are not here yet.  I’m just spending the night in the hospital  for observation.  The last couple weeks have been tough, and every day seems to get worse.  I monitor my blood pressure daily, and it is slowly getting higher and higher.  I spent a few hours two weeks ago in labor & delivery triage getting monitored, and had the lovely experience of collecting my urine for 24 hours at home.  I go every week for Doppler checks to make sure the blood flow to the babies look good, and am scheduled for another growth scan on Friday.  But today my blood pressure was higher than it had been before, so I called the high risk nurse, and they told me to come to the hospital as soon as possible to get monitored.

I showed up, and about two hours later felt completely foolish.  I feel like I continue to cry wolf about my high blood pressure, and then nothing is really wrong.  So my doctor sat me down, telling me I officially have the diagnosis of pregnancy induced hypertension, and that now my threshold to come in is any number over 160/110 (either number higher than the threshold), instead of the previous threshold of 140/90.  She wanted me to take home another 24 hour urine jug, and was just waiting for the blood test results to send me home.  And then… the blood test results came in.  My creatinine levels are elevated, which can show impaired kidney function.  Sweet.  So my doc immediately changed her tune, and told me that I would be staying in the hospital for 24 hours to do the urine test, and repeat blood work, and 2 steroid shots, 24 hours apart, to help develop the boys’ lungs.  Even before the blood work came back, my doc told me she is pretty sure I will develop pre-eclampsia within the next two weeks or so.  Now, she’s testing to see if it has already happened.

So best case scenario, I get to leave the hospital tomorrow in the early evening, continue to monitor blood pressure, stay on modified bed rest, and try to get a few more weeks under my belt.  I think medium case scenario, I stay in the hospital for hospital bed rest, continue to get monitored, and if/when it gets bad, they’ll do a c-section.  Worst case is the results of the tests look really bad, and we do a c-section really soon, maybe tomorrow night…  Wow – that’s scary when I actually write it down.  I’m 33 weeks + 2 days today, so if I deliver tomorrow, we’re definitely looking at some significant NICU time. 

I’m amazingly calm right now, sitting in the hospital by myself.  Even when I spoke with the hubs, I never broke down or anything.  Right now I’m just hanging out in this hospital room by myself, bored out of my mind.  When was the last time I just hung out for 24 hours in bed, by myself, watching TV or reading?  Ever?  No toddler running around, no hubby to argue with about what to watch, no au pair to get to know, no laundry or anything to do!  This is so weird, I’m trying to enjoy the rest and relaxation, but it’s hard.  Is it wrong that I’m looking forward to the ambien my doc prescribed me for tonight???

Thank God my au pair is here.  She has been great.  It’s fun getting to know her, and she’s really good with Alex.  Between my hubs, my MIL and my au pair, I know that Alex will be taken care of, even if I have to spend a lot of time in the hospital.  Of course I miss her terribly.  If I have to stay here for awhile, I hope someone brings her to see me…  My little girl is now 18 months old, and I’m sure she doesn’t understand why Mama isn’t there tonight, and won’t be there in the morning.  My husband is changing his work schedule to go in later than normal, to work around the au pair’s schedule, so he can take care of Alex.  He really has been great, and I’m trying to show my appreciation.  Bed rest, even modified, has been tough.  I have such a hard time letting go of things around the house.  Everybody puts things in the “wrong” place, my husband leaves things all over – he just doesn’t see clutter on surfaces like I do, and it has been driving me nuts to have to rely on everybody else.  I know I need to get used to it – if I do go home tomorrow, I’m sure modified, or even more strict bed rest, will continue.  And when the boys are here and I bring them home, I’m going to need to rely on everybody else to keep the house running while I take care of them, but man is it hard to give up control.  And why is it easier to watch my MIL clean my house than my mom???  I’m almost 38 years old, you would think that I need to get over this.  But when my mom offers to go in my room to change my sheets and clean up, I cringe.  I’m immediately sent back to being a kid, getting yelled at by her because my room is a mess.  Ugh – I guess we never really grow up in certain respects…

Now I will go, just hanging out in this crazy bed that adjusts constantly so I’ll avoid bed sores – should make sleeping interesting.  Everybody has given me a hard time about choosing a hospital that is an hour away from home, when there are great delivery hospitals much closer to home.  But this place has either the best or 2^nd best NICU in town, depending on what you read.  And I’m currently in an entire wing devoted to women on hospital bed rest.  Amazing really – it’s a whole high risk floor.  The only people on this floor are those on bed rest or moms that have given birth but their babies are in the NICU.  I can definitely tell this place is designed for me.  I had hoped to not need the rock star NICU or high risk services, but here I am.  I didn’t want to be here, but at least I’m in good hands.

Scariness

We have officially reached the scary part of my pregnancy, at 31 weeks. It started 3 weeks ago at a growth scan. Both boys had been measuring great and there have been no issues. 7 weeks ago, Twin A was 48% on the growth scale, and Twin B was 32%. 3 weeks ago, Twin A dropped to 23% and Twin B was at 29%. My doc was a little concerned, particularly about Twin A, but she said everything is fine as long as nobody is 10% or lower.

Well, two days ago I went in for another growth scan and Twin A is now 10.8%, and Twin B is 20%. Suddenly my doc is concerned. 3 weeks ago my c-section was scheduled for 38 weeks 4 days, and now she says there's no way they'll let me go past 37 weeks, particularly if Twin A decreases or stays the same. Now every week I go into the doc to check blood flow to the babies. This looked fine at my visit, but if it ever decreases they will deliver immediately. And another growth scan in 3 weeks.

The other scary thing is my blood pressure has started to rise, and they're worried about pre-eclampsia. On Friday my blood pressure was 122/89, and my doc said if the second number is ever over 90 then it's a problem. An hour later it dropped to 122/86, so she was less concerned, but she told me to get a BP monitor and check at home daily.

So yesterday I was at home and started to feel swollen in my face and hands. I laid down, and sent the hubs to get a BP monitor. I checked it, and it was 125/95. So I called the MFM on call, and she told me to get to the hospital! I left the hubs with Alex and went to the hospital, where they monitored the babies and my BP for about 2 hours. My BP jumped all over the place, the highest being 140/90. But it was mostly lower. And they checked my blood and urine for signs of pre-eclampsia, noting none. So they sent me home with a jug for collecting my urine over 24 hours, and told me to come back if the BP gets higher.

Because of the BP and the restricted growth, I'm on kinda bedrest. At least that's what I'm calling it. I pressed my doc about what that means exactly, and she said I should live the couch potato lifestyle, and only do what I have to. In her words, if I have to go to the grocery store, go, but try to get someone else to do it. Same with running after a toddler.  The ambiguity almost makes it harder, as I have to ask for everything, and really think if it’s a “have to” or not.  My husband has been working crazy hours – for the last few weeks he has been coming home between 9 and 12 at night.  So it’s not like he’s around even to ask. 

The best thing in the world, the blessing in all of this, is our au pair from France arrived on Friday.  She’s still getting acclimated, and she hasn’t officially started working yet, but I really like her so far, and she seems very excited and eager to help.  She and Alex are getting along great, and AP (au pair) seems to really enjoy spending time with Alex.  This week I will be showing AP around, and how to do her job.  But I will also start leaving her in charge for long periods of time, so I’m very interested to see how she does.  I’m sure it will be weird being in the house while she’s in charge – I need to shut my office door and allow her to really be in charge, without me hovering.  But I’m excited and hopeful that she will be good.  Her English is a little rough, so we’re spending a little time with sign language and trying out new words, but I think it will work out well.  Thank God she showed up the same day as I was prescribed bedrest – kinda. 

I’m trying to remain positive about my boys, but it’s hard.  I’m just so afraid that I will have to deliver early.  Between the low growth and the high BP, there are a couple things working against my plan to keep these boys cooking as long as possible.  I know with the medical field now, that there is a high chance of survival in the NICU, with nothing wrong at the end, but it would be a tough road if I delivered now.  The really good thing is I have no signs of pre-term labor – no real contractions, my cervix still looks like a wall of steel – but that doesn’t matter if the doc decides it’s too risky to stay pregnant.  I keep talking to these little boys of mine, telling them to grow, grow, grow!  I’m drinking protein shakes like they’re going out of style – constantly eating, I’m so sick of food.  And I’m really trying to be good and stay off my feet as much as possible – so hard to do.  But it will all be worth it if my boys can cook as long as possible!

Lucky

Thank you so much to all of you who sent such lovely and supportive comments to me. I really try not to complain in most of my life, but this pregnancy has been much harder than I anticipated, and I’ve really struggled, and it’s only getting worse. No matter how much I try, it’s hard to convince myself that I need to just accept help, and be okay with being able to do less, and try to get rid of the guilt. But you ladies have helped, you really have. I need to print out your comments and keep them with me always…


I hate to admit how much I’ve struggled during this pregnancy. I think part of it was that I wasn’t desperate for the FET to work like I was in my last pregnancy. Given how long it took to get pregnant with Alex, I honestly didn’t think it would happen this quickly for me for baby #2 (& 3!). It was as easy as going to the store and getting a baby, and I even got the buy one get one free special! Well, I still had to do a FET so there was a little meds and stuff, but compared to my quest for Alex, I may as well have just gone to the baby store. I didn’t expect it to be so easy, and so quick. I know I’m so incredibly lucky, but when I’m faced with taking time away from Alex, I don’t feel as lucky and grateful as I should.

And then I get news like I received earlier today. My husband has a BFF. Seriously, they’re like lovers, they love each other so much. The BFF’s wife introduced herself at my baby shower: “Hi, my name is J, and my husband is Alex’s boyfriend.” And everybody laughed because it’s so true. Even they admit that they have a bromance. Anyway, they got married shortly after we did, and took awhile to start TTC, but knew of our struggles. I have always liked J, the wife, we’re not super close, but we really enjoy each other’s company when we’re together. We’ve gone on vacations and lots of double dates and such together, but never really spent time together just the two of us – only with our husbands. We went on a vacation together shortly after my two miscarriages, and right before they started TTC, and I think I turned her off by how much I talked about my TTC experiences, and especially the miscarriages. She told her husband, who told mine, that she definitely didn’t want to become obsessed like I was. Ugh – didn’t feel good to hear that.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years, and we have Alex and are pregnant with twins, and they’re still working on TTC. J has PCOS, and she has had multiple IUI’s and a miscarriage. She and I have talked a little, but she doesn’t always seem to want to talk about it – she’s always so freaking positive, and I admire her positivity – I was never there in my TTC journey. They recently started their first IVF cycle, and the doc held back on the meds since she typically overstimulates even with the IUI dosages. Well, she didn’t stim hardly at all. They did further tests, and a cyst that they found on her ovary continued to grow and take over her entire ovary. They did more tests, and decided they needed to remove the entire ovary and tube, which they did yesterday. The preliminary pathology report shows that it was a cancerous mass that they’re hoping is benign. They think it was stimulated by hormones, so probably a result of the fertility drugs! She meets with the oncologist in two weeks, but her fertility doc thinks that if it’s benign, he can still get her pregnant with an IVF round, and then do a complete hysteroscopy to remove the chance of more cancer.

I’m in complete shock, and I feel so bad for her. She still sounds so positive, or maybe she’s just putting on a positive front. I wasn’t even going to bring up the baby thing, just focusing on the health stuff, but she immediately brought up that her doc said he can still get her pregnant. Oh how scary – I can’t even imagine going through IVF knowing that it caused cancer before. I know it’s super rare, but I never thought about this possibility while I was injecting all those meds in my body. She and I were emailing last week, and she said thanks for being one of the few people who understand why she would go through anything to have a baby. I know she wouldn’t continue with IVF if they thought it would cause more cancer, but can you imagine being pregnant, knowing that as soon as you deliver they’re going to remove your one remaining ovary and uterus? Crazy.
I feel so lucky, yes it took me awhile to have Alex but we I have her now, and I essentially went to the baby store to get these two little boys in my belly. And yet I’m complaining about back pain and the rest. At least I’m healthy, and I have my children. It could be so much worse.

Feeling like a failure

I'm writing this when I'm supposed to be napping - during my daughter's nap. I just put her in her crib, and I'm supposed to use the next 1.5 hours or so to get rest, but I have to get something off my chest. I feel like a failure as a mom. And as a pregnant person. I know I should be easier on myself, and this is hard, and blah blah blah. But I really expected so much more from myself, and I just failed miserably. 

I had these wonderful visions of myself as a Part-time SAHM. I was going to do all kinds of educational things with Alex - I asked and received for Christmas annual passes to the zoo and the children's museum. I've only been to each once. It's too hard running after a toddler when I'm so freaking huge, and any kind of physical activity causes BH contractions.  We got this great house with a fabulous backyard. Alex loves to go outside and climb up the hill and back down. But it's steep - much too steep for a 17 month old to do herself. So I have to go with her, which completely exhausts me, and causes BH contractions. So we stay inside, playing with toys that we're both bored of, reading books that we're bored of, and coloring (bored too). She cries every time I let the dogs outside and don't let her - I feel so bad, but I just can't handle it. There's a park only about 1/2 mile away, and she can walk there and back by herself, I don't even need to push her in a stroller anymore, but I can't do it. 

On Mondays and Fridays she goes to daycare, which is just phenomenal. They just implemented a new computer system where they take videos and pictures throughout the day, and send them to you each day. It's so obvious that she loves this place, and she gets so much out of it. Her vocabulary is just exploding. Between sign and verbal words, I can understand about 80% of what she wants, which I think is pretty incredible for her age. She can sort by color, and loves learning all kinds of things. 

My MIL also comes over most Wednesdays to watch Alex. I say most - she's definitely not the most reliable of child care. But she loves Alex and takes good care of her. 

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the hardest - these are the days when I'm responsible by myself. I hate that the only days when I'm completely a SAHM are the hardest days. They're so hard physically - my body is screaming at the end of the day, and I crawl into bed as soon as I put her into bed at 7:30. I have BH like crazy, and my back hurts, and my butt has sciatic pain, and my hemorrhoids hurt, and my heartburn hurts, and my hip hurts, and I could go on... 

Our au pair gets here next Friday. I'm so excited to have her come, but I also feel like a failure needing full-time child care. Yes, I'm working part-time, but I'm paying someone to work 45 hours per week when I'm only working 20 hours! And we're even considering leaving Alex in daycare for 2 days per week - she's just getting so much out of it that is seems bad to pull her out. Yes, it will be tough financially but I know that neither the au pair nor I will be able to give her the education and social experiences like she's getting now. Yep, continuing to feel like a failure... 

My pregnancy is going ok. Both boys are healthy, but at the last growth scan they decreased on the growth scale. At my 24 week scan, baby a was 48% and baby b was 32%. Then last week at my 28 week scan, baby a is now 23% and baby b is 29%. The doc said that both babies seem healthy, but this can happen in later pregnancy as they start to run out of room and nutrients - they can start to drop on the growth scale. She said she wasn't really concerned unless they got below 10% but we'll be monitoring them more closely. Growth scans every 3 weeks, and it will likely go to 2 weeks or more often. My cervix still looks great - over 4 cm. So even though I'm having a ton of BH contractions, it doesn't seem to be affecting my body. But my doc said to try to take it easy - lay down as much as possible, at least as much as I'm up during the day. I'm trying to eat as much as possible, especially protein, and I've gained the appropriate amount based on my pre-pregnancy weight and the guidelines in Dr. Luke's book, but I still feel like I'm failing my boys if they're running out of nutrients and not growing like they should. 

The doc's suggestion to lay down as much as possible is really hard with a toddler that runs. But it makes me feel a little better about the 2 hours spent snuggling in my bed this morning watching Yo Gabba Gabba... A little...

I know this will all work out in the end, but none of this was how I wanted Alex's young life to be, with a mom that couldn't play with her, and go outside with her, or do much with her. I'm about to outsource even the little bit of time that I have been spending with her to an au pair, and I feel even more guilty. I'm happy that we have two healthy boys (please God, help them grow!) coming and I'm thankful for my family, but I can't help feeling like Alex is getting the short end of the stick here. And it will even get worse when the boys get here, and I won't even have time to snuggle in bed watching TV. 

Harder than I thought it would be

Everything – the pregnancy, the move, the transition to part-time SAHM, this whole thing has been harder than I thought it would be.  I usually thrive in stressful situations, but these past few months have been so freaking hard.  I feel awful for abandoning my blog and my online friends, but I’ve had to cut way back on the things that take up my time, and this was one area of my life that I had to pretty much cut completely out – I’m sorry.  I’m not going to promise to delve right back in it, but I want to slowly catch up, see what you guys are up to, and go back to using this space as a bit of a journal again.  Because I need the outlet, somewhere to release all the crazy that is jumbled up in my head. 

On the surface, things look generally ok.  People keep saying they’re impressed with how I’m handling it all, and I just smile.  Because they don’t know that every day, I psych myself up and tell myself that I can get through today – just get through another day.  Almost every day, I cry from exhaustion or pain, or just being overwhelmed.  But I get up every day, and make it through, once again.  Overall, things really are pretty decent.  Here is my laundry list, in no particular order:

Alex:  She’s still my joy, the best part of my life.  She’s almost 16 months old – unbelievable!  She’s so much fun, and healthy and happy, and truly the best part of everything.  She’s such a charmer, not afraid of anyone or anything, smiles almost all the time.  She’s starting to test her limits, and will listen to certain things (for example, it’s been weeks since she has touched the dog’s water dish after telling her no for about a week), but for others, thinks it’s HILARIOUS when I tell her no (we spent 30 minutes tonight working on not standing on the couch – she giggles when she stands, looking at me with this evil grin on her face…  how can I not laugh?).  She eats great, but has thinned out a bit, down to 60% in weight after being about 90%, but at 96% for height.  She runs around constantly, and is so much fun.  She is currently in daycare two days per week, and loves it.  It’s such a good school!  I feel bad about pulling her out in a few weeks (more on that later).  Truly, nothing wrong I can say about her.  The only thing is the guilt I feel because sometimes I turn the TV on and just lay on the couch, too exhausted to get up and play.  I’m glad I get to spend more time with her now that I’m working part-time, but I hate to admit that the work days are so much easier than the kid days.  She takes so much out of me physically, and I feel awful that I can’t give her my all like I can with my work, just sitting on my ass all day. 

The move:  This has been so freaking hard.  Physically, the unpacking and getting settled in is exhausting, especially while being pregnant with twins.  I have everything almost unpacked, but my husband is (finally!) moving here this weekend with more stuff.  So he’s going to show up, drop off boxes and start a high-stress job immediately, leaving me to unpack his crap.  Ugh.  So the move isn’t quite done…  Good news is we’re officially under contract for our old house, so hopefully we’ll only have one month when we have to make two mortgage payments!!!

Pregnancy:  Technically, it’s awesome.  I have had wonderful ultrasounds, and found a great high-risk doctor whom I love.  Both boys (YES, two boys!!!) are growing well, and they are only 2% different from each other, which is great.  Nothing is wrong.  Except… I feel like shit.  The morning (all day) sickness has finally decreased to the point where I don’t need zofran every day, just about 2 days per week, starting last week at 21 weeks.  I sleep like crap, and I’m incredibly exhausted.  So much so that I begged for additional anemia and thyroid testing, but it all came back normal.  Apparently I’m just pregnant with twins.  So freaking tired!!!  I’m currently 22 weeks, and I hear the worst is yet to come.  Oh joy…  I’m very happy that everything is going so well, but it’s so hard to be excited when all I want to do is sleep.  And when I finally lie down, I can’t sleep.  Oh, but I got something that is amazing – the It’s You Babe Prenatal Cradle.  I’ve been wearing it for a week now, and I can’t believe I made it through my pregnancy with Alex without one.  It’s the most unsexy thing you can find, and it’s hard to disguise under some clothes, but I don’t care.  Back pain is gone!!!  So things are looking up – much less nausea and no more back pain in the last week.  I hope this “wall” people talk about with a twin pregnancy stays away, because I’ve felt some sort of wall for months…

Hubby:  Ummmm…  I don’t know.  Maybe I should devote an entire post to him sometime.  He has struggled with finding a job here, so it took him longer than he wanted to move here.  He’s definitely the stereotypical guy where his whole sense of self seems to be derived from his professional life, so there was some questionable times there when he couldn’t get someone to hire him in a great position.  But he found the perfect job – a really good job, in fact.  He starts there next week, and finally moves here on Friday.  The transition, the being apart, has been tough.  I’m really lonely, and I know he is too.  He came here for two weeks in the middle to interview at companies, and that was almost worse.  I went from being a single mom, knowing I didn’t have anyone to rely upon to help me, to expecting help, and not getting it.  When I’m alone, I don’t look around, hoping for someone to help.  Instead, I just suck it up and deal, because there is no other option.  But I had in my head that when he came home, it would be different – he would help out more.  I don’t know why I had these expectations, it’s not like he’s shown me anything in our nine years together that would cause me to have these expectations, but I think I was living in a fantasy land.  And when he didn’t meet this fantasy, well…  it didn’t go well.  I’m nervous about him moving back here, and integrating him back into our daily life.  I need to remember that the reason I’m with him is for his company, and his love, and the great times we have together.  He really is a wonderful dad to Alex, even if he doesn’t clean up after her.  Or get up with her in the mornings...  And he’s very excited about the boys.  And I know that if I truly need help, like if I can’t take care of Alex anymore due to this pregnancy, that he will step up.  But it has to be real, not just my current state of crappy – I need to recognize my new role of part-time SAHM, and act like it.  He’s going to have a stressful, although good, job, and his job will be to work his ass off, and my job is to take care of Alex, the boys and house.  Yep, this is me psyching myself up…

Child care:  I am very excited about this one.  After weighing all our options (daycare, nanny, etc.) and thinking about whether I want to continue working after the boys are here (yes, please don’t take away my part-time job – love it!!!) we decided to hire an au pair.  Hubby and I had some honest conversations acknowledging that he’s just not that helpful, especially with babies.  And I want to continue working, at least part-time.  And based on the cost, an au pair is incredibly cheap when you start pricing out child care for three babies!  So we picked an agency, looked at a ton of profiles, did some Skype interviews, and selected a girl (actually not a girl – she’s one of the older available au pairs at 25) from Bosnia and Herzegovina.  She started our first Skype interview telling me about how in her culture, pregnant women get whatever they want.  In fact, she once drove two hours to the nearest McDonalds for a pregnant friend of hers that was craving a burger.  How can I not love her?  She comes in less than three weeks, and I can’t wait.  We wanted her to come early so she could develop a relationship with Alex before the boys get here, and if I happened to go on bed rest, she could help take care of Alex.  My high risk doc listened to my situation about being a single mom (in essence, especially in January), and suggested I have back-up child care in place by the time I was 28 weeks.  That was all it took for us to start the au pair search in earnest.  I really hope our au pair is just as great in person as she was over Skype.  It’s a huge risk, bringing someone here into our home that we don’t know – for a year!  But I have such a good feeling about her, I’m just praying it goes well. 

Work: As I’ve said, I love it.  I’ve very easily transitioned to working at home, and I think my employer is happy with me.  We had originally set this up to try it out until the end of April, and then reconsider, but I would be shocked if they didn’t want to continue the arrangement.  It’s going to get even better and easier once the au pair gets here, as I currently drive two hours (1/2 hour each way, two round trips) to drop Alex off at daycare the two days I work.  My MIL usually watches Alex another day, but she is not very reliable.  Like the hubs says, you get what you pay for.  So sometimes it’s hard getting enough time to focus on work, and I do a lot in the evenings.  Can’t wait until my au pair gets here!

The other “job” I started was the mentorship at the university I mentioned earlier.  I went through the interview process to start teaching at a local university, and the only thing that I needed to do was complete a mentorship, which consisted of attending another person’s class and helping him out.  The class met once per week for four hours, and considering where it was in town, I had to leave my house Wednesday nights at 5 pm and didn’t get home until 11 pm.  My MIL watched Alex while I did this.  I successfully completed four weeks of the mentorship, and then I quit.  I’m so disappointed in myself for doing this, but I couldn’t handle it any longer.  Thursdays were so unbearable.  I was so tired, I would turn the TV on almost all day, just to try to occupy Alex, because I couldn’t give her anything of myself.  I would just sit there and cry, because I was so tired.  Fridays were a little better, simply because I could take Alex to daycare, and take a couple naps when I was supposed to be working.  Saturdays were hard, Sundays were a little better, but then I would have to stay up late for the next few nights, trying to prepare for the section of the class I was teaching.  It was too much work, at least for my current exhausted condition.  I was halfway through the session, and I had to quit.  My mentor understood, and wants me to come back after the twins are born and finish the mentorship and start teaching.  But how in the world am I going to do that?  Who knows.  For now, I’m ignoring that part of my life.  I always wanted to be a college instructor, and maybe I’ll do that someday, but it was so exhausting, I just had to take it out of my life for now. 

Those are the big parts right now.  I think things are getting better.  Like I said, not throwing up and not having back pain – huge improvements in my life.  Everything else seems like it will fall into place.  I just need to keep growing these little boys, and keep being as good of a mom as possible to Alex.  And I need to have reasonable expectations of my husband.  I need to focus on why I love having him in my life, and look to my new au pair for help, not my husband.  I’m reminded that this is simply a season in my life, and this baby time goes by so quickly.  I need to cherish this time, with Alex, with the boys, with my husband.  We have so many things to be grateful for, I need to remind myself of this every single day.  

Overwhelmed

Hello strangers!  I haven’t pulled up my blog or my blog reader in so long, it’s been weird not being a part of this world for the last month.  I just wanted to say a quick hello, let you guys know I’m ok, and apologize for falling off the map.

On November 1, I went part-time.  I went from working 40+ hours per week, to working about 16-25 hours per week, depending on the week.  Two days in the office, and the rest from home.  I dreamed about this day, and it’s been wonderful, but it came with some struggles that I didn’t anticipate.  Namely, I feel like I had less time to get stuff done than I did before!  Back when I worked full-time, I didn’t feel bad about taking lunch hours and even work hours to go to doctor appointments, do research of personal stuff online or on the phone, and write and read blogs.  Sure, it was spending work time on personal stuff, but it was very common, and there were certain weeks that I spent a lot more time than 40 hours per week doing work, so I felt like it made up for it.  My boss was happy with my work – no problems.  I spent the weekends doing household chores: laundry and cleaning.  And felt like I rarely spent time with Alex.  This was the problem, and why I changed my schedule.

Now, with my part-time schedule, I spend a lot of time with Alex.  And I love it.  We play and read books, and hang out just fine.  We’re closer than ever.  In fact, she no longer loves daycare.  For the first time in her short life, she occasionally cries when I drop her off at daycare.  And she follows me around the house, whining for me to pick her up.  I know some of it has to do with her age (13 months!) but also I think a lot of it has to do with spending more time with her, and getting even more attached to me.  I love it, but I also feel awful when I have to walk away from daycare in the mornings when she’s crying.  Crushes my heart to walk away…

But when do I do other stuff?  When do I take care of the house?  Here’s the problem.  The change in my job coordinated with the #1 worst symptom of my current pregnancy: EXHAUSTION!!!  I have never been so tired in my life.  From the moment I pull my nauseous self out of bed, shove food and a zofran pill in my face to make it better, to the moment I stumble into bed at the end of the day, I’m completely exhausted.  And so, instead of getting things done like household chores and paying bills during Alex’s naps, I find myself passed out in my own bed… 

And the other thing that has come up is we’re no longer talking about moving – we’re actually moving!  We’re scheduled to close on a house on 12/31.  So for the last week or so, there are no more naps for me, only packing like a frantic woman.  I’m trying to pace myself, and definitely not lift anything, but oh my god there is so much to do.  It doesn’t help (well I guess it will help a little) that we’re going on vacation next week, and then coming back and immediately moving so we can be in Colorado for Christmas, staying at the in-laws.  So everything must be done now, and I’m just exhausted. 

So on that note, I must go, as it’s the end of the work day, and I need to go pick up my baby girl.  She’s doing well (love watching her figure out so many things – she’s taken a few steps, and has a few “words” that she uses consistently).  My babies in my belly are doing well (11 weeks!  Holy cow – where has the time gone?  No problems except lots of nausea and I’m FUCKING TIRED!!!).  I’m excited about the new house, but I wish I could just wake up there, with all the stuff moved and unpacked.  Going through the process might just kill me.  And the hubs and I are doing well, except the financial thing is going to be tough.  (Among other things, I just found out that under his insurance, which I just moved over to now that I lost my full-time benefits, the Lovenox that I’m on for the pregnancy is $863 per month instead of the $7 I used to pay…)  Oh that, and the fact that he hasn’t yet found a job in Colorado yet.  I’m going to move there with Alex and the dogs, and be a single mom while he continues working in Texas and sells the house there.  Once he finds a job, he’ll move in with me, and I’m just hoping this happens before the twins get here or I go on bed rest or something, whatever happens first.  Oh, and I’m going to not only work part-time from home for my employer in TX but I also got the affiliate faculty job!  I won’t be teaching until fall, but I have to do a mentorship where I attend another faculty’s class and help him out.  All for a lovely stipend of $200….  So on top of working part-time at home (haven’t yet found a daycare that has availability), and taking care of Alex and the house by myself as well as unpacking, I will be attending classes every Wednesday night.  And did I mention I’m SO FUCKING TIRED???

I miss you guys – I’m hoping that at some point once I move I’ll be able to bring blogging back into my life.  But at this point, it’s just not happening.  Thinking of you all…

A Tribute to TBD

Can't wait to meet you, little TBD!  Your mom, SRB, is one of the coolest chics I know.  Love reading her words - all about you and your big bro, HGB, who is one of the coolest boys I know!  

To honor this special occasion, I thought I'd send you some workout/lounge wear....   Everyone needs to be comfy while kickin' it!  Enjoy!!!!

Two Heartbeats!!!!

It's official, there are two little hearts beating inside me!  I went this morning, chanting "Please God, two heartbeats."  And there was!  Two little ones, beating away.

The nurse told me this morning that I would remember this day.  She was dressed as a cat for Halloween, and she positioned the ultrasound so the two babies would look like little cat eyes.  Absolutely incredible.  I'm just over the moon excited - there really are two in there!!!

Weekend with my Mom

I just got back from spending three nights with my mother, and boy I’m happy to be home.  This was the most amount of time I have spent with her in years, probably since I was 18 or so.  She has two homes: one in CO, and one in SC.  She has been trying to sell her house in SC for awhile, but she’s having a hard time.  Her family is in SC, so it was very convenient to meet her in SC and go to the family reunion this weekend.  Alex and I flew there on Friday, and returned on Monday.  The reunion was really fun, and Alex was a champ.  Such a charmer, smiling at everyone.  She really enjoyed the hayride and playing with pumpkins.  I wish I was only there for the reunion…

I have to say, my mom and I got along better this weekend than any other time recently.  I think we both made an effort to be nice to each other, and only had a few rough moments.  But I had some major realizations about her.  First, she is one of the most negative people I know.  My whole life, I have hated how negative she is about me, never having anything nice to say, and questioning every decision I’ve made.  Making snide comments, and just being unpleasant.  But for the first time I realized – it’s not me!  Sure, she made comments about my stuff, but she also spent the entire weekend making negative comments about everything: her husband, her house in CO, her house in SC, my step-brother and his family, my step-brother’s kids (who are age 2-7: not exactly awful people!), her family, the neighbors, the grocery store, EVERYTHING!!!!  I tried to hold my tongue and not say anything, but oh my goodness it was so hard.  Finally on Sunday night, I asked if I could use a bathroom that was different than the one I had been using to give Alex a bath since it had a tub in it, and she started on a 10 minute rant about how she hates all the bathrooms in her house, and she hates the water, and they have to filter it, and still can’t drink it, and she would have never bought this house, but her husband wanted to live here, but then he changed his mind…  Blah, blah, blah.  Well, I could no longer hold back.  I tried to be really nice, but I told her that she didn’t seem happy, and I’m worried about her because she’s so negative.  That she has a really nice life, but it doesn’t seem like she likes her life very much because she complains about it all the time.  Well, that started a rant about me, about how I don’t know much about her life because I’ve chosen to spend time apart from her for the last 20 years, and how dare I say anything about her life, blah, blah, blah.  I told her that yes, I haven’t spent much time with her, but I’m working on our relationship right now, and it doesn’t help to bring up the past, as we just need to focus on right now.  And right now she seems unhappy and I’m worried about me.  Well she told me I didn’t need to worry about her – everything’s great.  So I gave up.

She’s the most miserably unhappy person I’ve seen, and I hate it.  She is doing this to herself, and it was so enlightening to see it this weekend.  As my therapist would tell me time and again, these are her problems, not mine.  For once, I was able to observe it and not take it personally, and it felt so good.  I choose to live my life with positivity, at least most of the time, and I know that I will be happy anywhere.  I’ve watched her move about every three years, and change different things in her life.  I think this is because she’s never happy!  She’s so judgmental about everybody as well – it’s just exhausting being around her!

The other thing that was interesting, and certainly disappointing, is how unhelpful she was with Alex.  I’m used to dealing with my MIL, who flies to Houston once every few months to stay a week so she can have time with Alex.  She realizes that Alex is little, and if she doesn’t spend time with her, then Alex won’t know her.  Plus my MIL really likes spending time with Alex – when she was really tiny, it was all I could do to pry her from my MIL’s arms!  This couldn’t be farther from the truth with my mom.  She hasn’t spent much time with Alex, but really that’s because I haven’t spent much time with my mom in the last year.  I figured that since we were staying at my mom’s house for four days, that they would spend time with each other.  Not once did Mom try to play with her, or try to help me with taking care of her.  Alex would be on the floor crying, and I couldn’t pick her up because I was making a bottle or something, and Mom would just say “why is she crying?”  I would tell her that she could pick her up and it would help, so she would.  But then I asked if she wanted to hold Alex while she drank her bottle, and she said, “No way – she wants to be with you, not me!”  Not once did she offer to help with anything.  I told her that my fertility doc didn’t want me to pick up anything that weighed more than half a gallon of milk, and that I try to limit picking up Alex, but of course I have to pick her up.  She just agreed – yes, I must pick her up – not once did she offer to hold her.  She didn’t help with anything at all the entire weekend.  Once I was playing with Alex on the floor, and I had to go to the bathroom.  I came back to my mom reading a book, and she told me that Alex disappeared.  Um… thanks?  Alex was fine, but could she not get up and at least watch her as she crawled off? 

This woman does not have a maternal bone in her body.  I hate saying this, but since I was an early teenager, I’ve often thought that my mom should have never been a mother.  She adopted me when I was four years old, and this was after she was turned down by the adoption agencies when she asked to adopt a baby.  I often thought while growing up that she was a terrible mother, and that God, and then later the adoption agencies, knew what they were doing when they denied her wishes to be a mother.  This is an awful statement – I feel guilty even saying it, and I had a hard time reconciling this statement in my head with my own infertility struggles.  I talked about this at long length with my therapist, and I’ve realized that perhaps it has nothing to do with infertility or God’s wishes, but I still believe that my mom should never have been a mother.  She was a bad mother to me (even she will admit that sometimes), but I had hoped that she would try to be a good grandmother.  In front of other people, like at the family reunion, she says wonderful things like “Look at my sweet angel.”  But if she doesn’t have an audience, she doesn’t act with affection at all!  She instead seems annoyed most of the time – annoyed that Alex is so needy and loud!  She even got mad when I was showing Alex the piano: I would play a few notes, and Alex would play (or rather bang on the keys a bit, but never that hard).  Sure, it didn’t sound great, but it didn’t warrant the statement, “That sounds awful!”  What do you expect?  She’s a baby!

The worst was I finally psyched myself up to ask my mom for some help, but I had a feeling I would know the answer.  I told her about my upcoming work situation when I move to Denver.  I will have daycare either three half-days or two full-days per week, and between that and naps, I should be able to get most of my work done from home in my new part-time schedule.  But every three months for about a week, I will be very busy, and I will need additional help.  I asked her if she could commit to spending one day, every three months, at my house where I will be, and I could even change diapers.  All I need her to do is come over and play with and feed Alex for one day each three months.  She said no, she couldn’t commit to that.  I asked why, and she said that she travels, and takes care of her husband, and she just couldn’t commit to something so confining.  I said okay, but if she wants to spend time with Alex and get to know her as she grows up, please let me know.

The other worst thing is how she reacted when I told her I was having twins: “That sounds awful.” “I can’t believe you did that to yourself.” “So-and-so said one kid was easy, two kids were really hard, and three kids were impossible.” Not once did she say she was happy for me, or that she knew we would figure it out, or anything positive. 

The amazing thing is I’m really okay with all this.  I’ve struggled for years with her, trying to figure out how to have a relationship with her.  She always brings up the past, angry at me for things I did starting at around age 11 (yep – I’m still in trouble for stuff I did then), and I’ve never understood why it’s so difficult with her.  My therapist would tell me these are her problems, not mine.  I mostly got this, but it really sunk in this weekend.  She is just a miserable person.  For the first time in my life, I feel bad for her.  How awful it must be to feel all this negativity, all this bad stuff going on that she blames other people for.  But really it’s her own twisted perception.  She has a great life – they have money for retirement, they get to travel some, she has a very nice husband who adores her, she works out every day, is in excellent health and has a great body (complaining about how her size 4 and 6 clothes no longer fit – she has to buy 2’s!), she has good friends that pay attention to her, she has a great family (not even including me!), and fabulous pets.  She has a daughter that really wants to be in her life, but is not willing to spend much time in all that negativity.  Most of all, she has the most beautiful little granddaughter with whom she could choose to start over and create a good and solid relationship, but she is choosing to not do so.  This makes me sad for my daughter, but it’s probably a good thing for Alex to spend time away from that negativity as well.  For the first time in my life, I feel okay with all this.  This weekend has helped me accept that my mother is who she is, and probably nothing will change this.  It’s okay that she’s like this, but I don’t have to spend my life trying to make her into something she is not.

My Little Weebles

Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down!  This has been in my head all day.  On Monday, the nurse said that sometimes with twins the beta numbers wobble, but they recover.  Frankly, I didn't believe her.  I kept telling myself that the ultrasound looked good, that both embryos had a gestational sac that was measuring great - a day ahead!  But in the back of my head, I kept thinking of that 39% rise over 3 days, and it's just not good. 

Today I went in for another ultrasound and blood work, and the twins are still kicking!  Well not yet exactly, but it all looks good - mostly.  The ultrasound looks decent.  The nurse said they look good.  Both measured about 5 weeks, 3 days.  I'm 5 weeks, 4 days today.  They could see a yolk sac in both embryos.  And the beta came back, and it's high enough.  At my clinic, they stop telling you the number over 5,000.  It was 2,014 on Monday, and today (Thursday) it's over 5,000.  So I'm going to assume this is good - that it's high enough, and now we don't have to worry about the numbers!  I go back in on Wednesday, and hopefully I should see heartbeats then.

Once I started thinking about it, I am a little concerned about the growth rate of the embryos.  On Monday, they were measuring 5wk2d, and now they're measuring 5wk3d.  Not good that they had 1 day worth of growth in 3 days.  But there were two different nurses doing the ultrasounds, and I know we're talking millimeters here in difference.  Perhaps one nurse draws just inside the lines, and the other draws just outside?  I'm choosing to feel positive, and hopeful.  If I'm smoking crack (well not really of course...) please don't tell me.  I want to have this weekend of happiness. 

Speaking of this weekend, I'm just about as busy as I've ever been in my life, and I'm not sure how it will all get done.  I'm still in my full-time job until the end of next week, I have my sweet Alex, I'm leaving tomorrow to go to a family reunion, returning on Monday (flying with just Alex by myself - should be interesting.  Also I'm spending 3 nights with my mom - first time in YEARS - we don't have a great track record of getting along...), and to top it all off, I'm taking a faculty prep class that started on Monday and goes till next Friday.  This thing is KICKING MY ASS!  Every morning, I get up around 5 am (if I don't wake up at 3:00 - pregnancy insomnia has started) and work on the class until 6:30.  Then get ready, wake up Alex, get her ready and take her to school, then go to work at 8:00.  Leave that around 5:30, pick up Alex, give her dinner and put her to bed around 7, then eat something and work on my class till about 9, at which point I CRASH.  I'm exhausted.  I just don't know how I can keep going.  I have a huge essay that's due Sunday night, and somehow I'm going to have to figure out how to get this thing done while I'm at my mom's house and family reunion and taking care of Alex!  And I should probably stop writing this so I can go pack and go to BED!

But before I went to bed I wanted to let all of you know, all of you wonderfully supporting people that I'm so lucky to have in my life, that my little weebles wobbled, but they haven't fallen down!  When I found out that I was pregnant with twins on Monday morning, I have to admit, I was a little scared.  Three kids under two, I kept repeating to myself.  I didn't know how I was going to manage it all.  Yes, I was excited, but mostly overwhelmed.  But when I got the scary beta news Monday afternoon, all of that changed.  That is the one gift that infertility keeps giving us.  We realize just how precious this gift of children are.  One bad blood test, and the thought of losing my little gifts, my little scientific miracles, threw me into a tailspin when thinking about losing even one of them.  So although it was a scary few days, and I don't know if I will have scary days in my future, I am grateful for this experience.  Because now instead of thinking about how I will manage three kids under two, I am hoping beyond hope to have three kids under two.

Rollercoaster of Infertility

This was all going too well.  My first FET after pregnancy, it worked like a charm.  Almost too much of a charm – twins!  I’m overwhelmed, scared, and yet very VERY excited.  The ultrasound looked great: 2 sacs, measuring a day ahead.  And then, I got my blood results, and it all came crashing down – maybe…  Why oh why do we measure everything so specifically???  And so often, and so early?  I know that’s what all the fertility docs do, but ugh – this sucks. 

Here are my numbers:

HCG Friday 10/19: 1,453

HCG Monday 10/22: 2,014 (rise of 39% in 3 days)

Estradiol Friday 10/19: over 2,000 (they don’t give the number over 2,000)

Estradiol Monday 10/22: 656 (at least a drop of 67%)

Progesterone Friday 10/19: over 40 (they don’t give the number over 40)

Progesterone Monday 10/22: 38.1 (at least drop of 5%)

The estradiol and progesterone numbers aren’t that concerning, but why are they dropping?  The big thing is why aren't my HCG levels rising appropriately???  I spoke with the nurse, and she said with twin pregnancies, HCG levels can wobble a bit.  And no, it’s not rising like they would expect, but sometimes this happens.  Either (a) both are fine and we’ll see the numbers take off soon, (b) one pregnancy isn’t doing well but the other is fine, or (c) both aren’t fine.  Um yeah, I could have probably figured out those different scenarios myself.  So now we wait, and see what Thursday’s blood work and ultrasound say.  She did stress that the most important thing is the ultrasound showed two sacs that are measuring great, but still, I can’t help but worry about those HCG levels… 

I hate the rollercoaster of infertility.  

Double Trouble

I went to the RE for blood work and ultrasound, and guess what – there are two in there!  This beta thing is so weird.  My numbers are less than what they were when I was pregnant with Alex, and yet this time, there are two!  My nurse was so confident there were two in there that before I even got undressed she switched the setting to allow her to measure two babies.  They both are measuring great.  The sacs are both measuring 5wk2d, and I’m 5wk1d.  There might be a hint of a yolk sac in one, but in the other they couldn’t tell.  Still awaiting the results of the blood work, but based on the ultrasound, it all looks good!

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t able to come with me, so I called him right after the appointment and he immediately started talking logistics.  How do you get 3 kids around?  How do you travel?  We need a big house.  I told him we’ll figure it out, and it will all be fine, but yes, he’s freaking out a bit.  And so am I.  Three kids under 2 years old???  I know I shouldn’t be surprised, as we transferred two embryos, but this was my third transfer.  And we had IUI’s.  And months of timed sex.  I’m not fertile!  But it will certainly look like it when we pile out of our minivan (thank goodness we bought one right before we had Alex – it used to be for the dogs…). 

Yes, I’m in a bit of a shock and freak-out mode.  But I am excited.  How special it will be to have two more babies in our life.  Wow – just wow.

OK, now I need to figure this out.  Is there anything different I need to do in this twin pregnancy to make sure they’re healthy?  Twin mamas, do you have any good resources for me?  There I go again – anything that comes my way results in reading another book!  

Beta #1

My first beta, at 14 days past 5 day transfer, or approximately 19 dpo, was 1,453!  Pretty high, compared to the averages.  But it's not as high as it was with Alex at this point: 1,763.  So I refuse to think twins at this point, I'm waiting to see the ultrasound for that one...  But speaking of the ultrasound, they scheduled me for another beta and an ultrasound on Monday.  Doesn't this seem early?  I know all they'll be hoping to see is a gestational sac, but will that even be big enough to show up on an ultrasound?  I'm trying not to get my hopes up for Monday - just for rising beta numbers.

I'm so happy with today's result.  I tested a week ago, got the positive result, and never tested again.  I only had the one pregnancy test, and with my new budget (going part-time on November 1!!!) I refused to buy another test.  But after so many days, it started to feel less real.  I would look at that test, and assume it was a fake.  And the line wasn't super dark, so I thought that by now I would have lost the baby.  Ugh - I hate all the fear and thoughts that come into my head, after going through everything...

But today I'm celebrating.  I'm pregnant!!!

Bring it on!

I feel like shit. I woke up this morning with the sniffles and it got worse from there. Headache, sneezing like crazy. I had to come home from work early because little Alex has been sick with a stomach virus. Thank goodness my MIL has been here since I have been crazy busy at work! She seemed better this morning but she woke up after sleeping for 13.5 hours with a completely dry diaper. Scared the crap out of me, as I've read the warnings about dehydration - if they don't pee for 8-10 hours, go to the ER where they will give the baby an IV! So I'm scared, except she seems fine, although still a little sick. But I go to work and call the doc as soon as they open. Long story short, she's fine - not dehydrated. Peeing up a storm later today, and definitely on the mend - no diarrhea since early afternoon, which is a huge improvement. Thank goodness!!!

Anyway, back to me. I progressively feel worse throughout the day, and as we deal with all the stuff with Alex, my MIL keeps telling me to take cold meds. We haven't told her about the FET, so I would vaguely nod and change the subject, sneezing every 10 seconds with snot dripping out of my nose. Finally Alex goes to take a nap, so I do the same. But I'm pissed. Grumbling about not being able to take meds, probably for nothing because the FET probably didn't work, this sucks. So I rip the pregnancy test out of the wrapper and pee on it. One week before the beta - 7 days after 5 day transfer (although let's be honest - my clinic is crazy in requiring 2 weeks after transfer for a beta) so probably too early. I'm stomping around the bathroom, getting ready to lay down, keep glancing at the test but nothing. Finally I'm about to give up and I turn on the bright light and look closer and holy shit - there's a second line!!! A decent one that darkened up a little more with a little patience!

So I guess it's worth it, feeling like crap, not able to take any meds. Oh, but to make matters much worse, this afternoon I started having diarrhea and throwing up! And so did my MIL! Apparently we picked up whatever Alex had. We're both in misery - thank goodness the hubs feels ok and can take care of all of us. I really hope I don't spend another weekend in bed - I just did that last weekend with bedrest! Oh well, we'll get past this mess. And then really get to celebrate!

I'm pregnant - can you believe it? I can't believe I'm so lucky to have this first FET for baby #2 work! Now grow, little one(s), grow! Mama loves you so much already.

Greetings from Bedrest

First, I want to say thank you so much for the amazing ideas and assurances from everyone in my last post. It's so foreign for me to become a PT SAHM, but I'm thrilled that I have the opportunity. And I'm already planning our new schedule in my head. I just need to make it through October, which will require a ton of work unfortunately.

Well, it's done! Two beautiful embryos (in the words of the doc and the embryologist) were transferred into my ute with a huge fluffy lining on Friday morning. Now all that is left is waiting. In my clinic's tortuous way, my beta isn't until 10/19, two weeks after transfer, but I will likely test before. The goal will be to hold off as long as possible, but we'll see. My MIL is coming to visit for a week starting Wednesday so that will be a distraction. She wanted to come at a time that worked for us, and I chose this week as I'll be working a ton, and we can pull Alex out of daycare and she can take care of her, which will be nice. Plus it will be good to have a distraction. We're not planning on telling her about the FET, but my husband is terrible about keeping secrets so I imagine it might slip out. But I don't want to test while she's here, so that will help push it out. I had suggested to hubs that it might help to have his MIL here while I'm on bedrest. He said no, he didn't want to involve her. I was worried about him handling it all - taking care of me and Alex. But I'm happy to report that he's been doing great!!! I'm eating well, and he fetches anything I need, but most importantly he's taking care of Alex almost as good as I do! :) She spends a lot of time on the bed with me, but he'll hang out with us too so if she tries to commit suicide by going head first off the bed, he's there to grab her. No fear, this child!

He's actually being much more tender and nice with me than he ever was during fertility treatments before. He's super careful with me, and handling the entire PIO thing (the last 2 times he would just do the injections, not preparing the syringe or anything). He's completely positive that this FET will be successful, which is nice. I tend to be a little more pessimistic, perhaps trying to guard my heart.

I'm happy to report that I'm feeling less ambivalent about this FET. Up until the transfer, I felt like I was going through the motions. I wasn't that excited, and frankly the idea of having kids so close together scared me. I was really doing it to get it done. And to hopefully do it before we move, requiring another doctor. But now, after I saw the pics of those two little embryos, and I've been listening to my circle + bloom meditations, I'm really excited about the possibility of being pregnant and having another baby (or even babies)! I really hope this works, and I have a nice boring pregnancy!!! Ah, the dreams of infertiles everywhere...

Identity Crisis

I've always been very career oriented.  Starting with college, then straight to graduate school, I knew I wanted to be a professional woman, with a great job.  I wanted to make my own money, and never let that go.  I watched my mother struggle with money after divorcing my father, and I swore that would never be me.  She relied on my father for everything financial, and when we moved out and she got a job, our lifestyles changed dramatically, even with the alimony and child support.  She made me promise to never rely on a man, to always have my own money.  I promised and crossed my heart…

I just won the lottery of a working mother: I received approval to go part-time (20 hours) effective November 1.  Initially I will work 8-16 hours of this in the office, but when we move to Colorado, I’ll work the 20 hours at home, remotely.  I’m so excited to spend more time with Alex, and especially excited to not have her in daycare all day, every day.  She will still be in daycare for 2 full days per week while we’re in Texas, and then 3 half days when we move to Colorado (the rest of the 20 hours will be done during naps or after bedtime), but that’s so much better than being there from 8-5:30 five days a week like she is now.  Plus if this FET works (tomorrow is the transfer – holy crap!), it will be nice to be a little more relaxed during the pregnancy, especially after the next baby comes along.  I can’t wait until the end of this month when my part-time schedule starts.

BUT…  Occasionally I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  I’m cutting my salary in half, and so the budget is getting super tight.  I currently make a little more than my husband, so when I go part-time, it’s a huge change in our family income.  I've implemented a new budget effective October 1, and I have to say, it’s tough.  Not that this is a bad thing, but I’m constantly questioning every purchase – do I need this, can I go without?  And I feel bad about restricting my husband’s spending.  Going part-time has not exactly been a family decision.  He didn't say no, but he really doesn't see the value in it, so he wasn't super supportive.  I told him that I really appreciate the opportunity to do this, and I think it will be very good for our family, but he didn't really respond.  I told him that I understand this puts a lot of pressure on him, as he’s searching for a job right now, and having to turn down certain opportunities as he’s the primary breadwinner now, and he needs things out of a job like stability and insurance.  He’s getting phone calls about contract opportunities, and although these could be very exciting, it may be too risky considering I’m not bringing in my full salary and insurance. 

And then there’s the identity thing.  Who am I?  I've always defined myself with my career, with my accomplishments.  Now, I’m stepping down at my company, giving up my management role, and becoming a contributor instead of a manager.  Sure, I’m still contributing in a significant way, but my title will be the same as it was at my former company – five years ago.  It won’t look good on my resume.  I know I shouldn't care about that kind of thing, as I’m doing something really important – taking care of Alex – but it still feels weird.  I’m not moving up, I’m moving down.  And there’s no opportunity for promotion, or anything really.  Just keep on contributing is the most I can hope for.  The hubs seems to think this is a temporary thing, but I can’t imagine wanting to spend less time away from Alex.  Even when she goes to school, I’ll want to be there every day when she gets home from school – I don’t want to send her to an after-school program, which would be necessary if I go back to work full-time.  Is this really a permanent decision?  The thought scares me.

The other thing is I’m nervous about is providing enriching activities for Alex, and a future baby if I’m so lucky.  I’m an accountant, not a teacher.  I don’t know much about early childhood education, and how to best stimulate them.  Currently on the weekends, during Alex’s wake-time, we take walks and she swings in the playground or I take her to the grocery store or we hang out in my living room and play with her toys.  We can’t keep doing just this – I’ll need to figure out some projects or something.  I know she’s just 11 months right now, so there aren't a lot of “projects” that work for her right now, but the time is quickly approaching where we can do stuff, more than just playing on the floor with her toys.  But what exactly????  Do any of you have websites or books or something that will help me with this?  I found out the local library does toddler story time on a day that I’ll have off, so I’ll plan on doing that.  What else?  I really want to look at this like a new job, and do it well!  I need to learn more about how children learn, and figure this stuff out…  And preferably in ways that don’t cost much money (see earlier discussion on tightening the purse strings). 

I know I need to chill out and just go with it.  For the most part, I’m very excited about going part-time.  It’s just that I never in a million years thought I would want to do this.  I always could hear my mother in my head, telling me to not rely on a man, to have a career.  Sure, I always wanted kids, but I always planned on working at the same time.  But when it took so long to have Alex, and we struggled so much, and then when I had her and started spending time with her, and then I took her to daycare and cried, and every night I pick her up and she’s utterly exhausted, and then I spend one hour per night with her, I now want to spend more.  One hour per night, and 20-30 minutes in the morning, is not enough time to spend with this child that I wanted so much.  The other night she woke up at midnight for the first time in months, and she needed attention for about an hour.  It was wonderful.  If I’m desperately cherishing these cries and requests for cuddles in the middle of the night, we have a problem.  But hopefully now I’m fixing it.

Happy Birthday Grayson!!!

Today is a very special boy's 2nd birthday!  Grayson Baker turns 2 today, and deserves a big celebration!  His mama Elizabeth blogs about her boy over here, and I've really enjoyed getting to know Elizabeth and Grayson through our blogs.  Grayson is an amazing little kid, and he has no idea how many lives he has touched all over the world, including mine.  He loves to play, listen to Veggie Tales, and eat Mexican food.  His smile is so infectious - just look at these pictures, and try not to smile...   :)  And he and his incredible mother Elizabeth inspire us all to live well, love completely, and appreciate all the moments we have with our children.  Oh, and you should see the comments Grayson's dad Ryan makes on Elizabeth's blog.  Amazing man!  I'm so happy to send a shout out to Grayson on his birthday - I hope he and his family have a wonderful day today!!!

Transitions

You know when you have so much going on in your life, that it’s just a whirlwind?  This is my life.  I’m so excited about it, this is what I want, and yet it’s exhausting.  I’ve reached the point where I just observe, watching my life unfold.  I have no idea what will happen in the next few months, but it’s all so exciting.  I wanted to take this moment and write down where we are, right now.

Alex: fabulous as always.  Actually the easiest part of my life.  She eats well, she sleeps well, she is happy and healthy.  The only bad part is her lack of naps at daycare.  She moved to the Infant 2 class about a month ago, and instead of allowing them to sleep whenever, and encouraging her to get two naps per day, she’s now on a schedule that allows for only one nap per day.  At 9 months old, I was told that she was old enough to have only one nap per day.  I completely disagree.  On the weekends, she takes two naps that are 1.5-2 hours each.  But during the week, she takes 1 nap, and usually wakes up about 45 minutes in.  She will do that at home, but in a room by herself, she’ll look around and go back to sleep.  In a room full of other babies, she wants to get up and party.  So at most she gets an hour of sleep during the day.  So by the time I get her in the evenings, it’s rough.  Now at 10.5 months, it’s getting a little better, and I know it will get better with time, but I hate it.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that we only have 1.5 months left of full-time daycare.

Job:  Speaking of no more full-time daycare, I’m working with my current job to go part-time: 20 hours per week.  It’s about 90% definite: we’re moving from Texas to Colorado.  And no matter what, I’m not working full-time after November 1.  The plan is to work remotely from home, and fit in 20 hours per week.  This will be with 3 half days at daycare, plus naps, plus grandma/aunt help or weekend work if necessary.  I’m so excited about this.  My job transition has been approved by almost all levels at my company, and only needs to be approved by the CEO, but I don’t think he will have a problem with it.  My hubs does not love it, but he’s not objecting.  I keep telling him we’ll figure out the money.  Which I know we will.  But he really likes having plenty of money…  Also I’m talking with the university I mentioned earlier about being an adjunct professor – teach 1-2 classes, primarily at night.  I’m so excited about this!  I think it will be the perfect schedule.

Move:  We’re very active in trying to move in November.  Hubs is trying to find a job, which I know he will find, but it might take some time to find the perfect job.  I feel like he feels pressure to find something really soon, so I’m trying to convey that it will be fine if he doesn’t, but I think he feels the responsibility of primary breadwinner and insurance provider.  He is currently in Denver, and had an interview today that he was really excited about, and the company loved him, but doesn’t want to pay him even his current salary.  It’s a job that he may have been able to go for if I made more money, but now that I’m going part-time…  I don’t know, maybe I’m taking on too much of this.  He’s not telling me any of this, but maybe I’m trying to read too much into it.  I know it will work out fine, but there are so many balls in the air right now – finding a job for Hubs, buying a house, selling a house, figuring out where to live prior to buying the house, moving, cleaning…  What else?

Baby #2:  Oh right, almost forgot about that.  Started a FET cycle today…  Well really I’ve been taking birth control for awhile, but I stopped those and went in for CD3 blood work and ultrasound today and got clearance to start estrogen pills and patches.  Need to schedule the home nurse to do the intralipid infusion, get the rest of the meds, and the transfer is scheduled for October 5.  Holy crap, I can’t believe I’m doing this in the midst of everything else.  I really want to get it done as (a) I want another baby and want to get it done and (b) I don’t want to have to find a new RE when we move, and figure out shipping my embryos and everything.  But this cycle is so weird.  I find myself forgetting about it.  Like this morning I shaved my legs (something that doesn’t happen that often) because my husband was coming home from Denver tonight, and then realized at the doctor’s office that it was a good thing I had shaved my legs!  I hadn’t even thought about it in the shower – so unlike me!  But on the flip side, I feel so positive about this cycle.  Like October 5 is the day I’ll get knocked up.  And usually I don’t even throw a “maybe” at the end.  In my mind it’s something else to do – pack some boxes, pick up Alex from daycare, and get knocked up.  Like it’s a foregone conclusion!  I’m sure some doubt will creep in there at some point, but now it just seems so reasonable.  It’s like I’ve forgotten how tenuous this whole thing is.

Boot camp:  I’m very proud to report that I successfully made it through 8 weeks of boot camp!  I’m now 15 pounds below pre-pregnancy weight, and in the best shape of my adult life.  My plan was to get through the 8 weeks, and then stop as it was time for the FET cycle.  But I spoke with my RE, and he said I could continue exercising as long as it was no longer than 30 minutes per day, and my heart rate didn’t get over 140 beats per minute.  So I signed up for another boot camp!  Besides the two days of bed rest, I fully intend on doing boot camp, as they are 30 minute videos, six days per week!  I will need to modify the workouts, as my heart rate definitely gets over 140 at times, but I’m very excited to have a fit and healthy pregnancy, instead of the sedentary one I had last time.  I’m really hoping that I can maintain some level of fitness during this next pregnancy, as this has done wonders for my energy, my mood, and my sense of pride.  I’m so excited that for the first time in my life, I really feel in control of my health.  Yes, I’m still overweight, but I’m happy and feel good in my skin.  I’m a little disappointed that I have to stop this weight-loss trajectory with pregnancy, but I know that once I have my next baby, I can lose the weight, and become fit again.  Forever!!!

Overall, I’m doing really well.  So many things are unknown right now, which usually freaks me out.  But somehow I’m making it work.  I’m controlling the things I can.  I’m doing a good job at work, and trying to make every moment I have with Alex count.  I’m trying to be supportive with my husband as he figures out our future.  I’m very relaxed about where we’re going to live (unlike anyone I’ve asked, I’m willing to let hubs pick out our next house – can you imagine? He looked at 17 houses this weekend, and I’m very interested yet calm about it.  I know he’ll do a good job picking something out).  I’m going through our house and decluttering and cleaning, trying to minimize our stuff to move.  And I’m doing what we need to do to have another baby.  Occasionally I have minor freak out moments, but overall, things are good.  As long as I have my To Do list!

Oh, and one more thing!  At 10.5 months, we’re going to start transitioning to cloth diapers!  I really wanted to earlier, but no daycares around here would take them.  The daycares in Colorado are much more willing to do it.  So with more time at home to do laundry, and daycares that are willing, I just ordered 6 diapers to start trying for weekends and nights, with the plan to transition to full-time in November.  After lots of research, I’m starting with Thirsties Duo Diapers, which are pocket diapers.  I really like the convenience of all-in-ones or pockets, but pockets seem to dry faster according to reviews online.  I couldn’t decide on which pocket to go with, until I found that Thirsties is made in the USA, and it’s even a Colorado company!  Perfect!  I got 6 diapers, a few extra hemp inserts, a wet bag, some laundry detergent, and some flushable liners.  Can’t wait to get them and start!!!  Stay tuned…