Alex's Adventures

It’s better to be happy and loving than fair

2012-02-13T09:48:00.000-06:00

That’s my new motto, and I tell myself this regularly. As you can tell from my previous post, the hubs and I have been struggling – a lot. I really appreciate all the comments from everyone. It’s so nice to have the support of my girlfriends, even if they’re all over the blogosphere! In retrospect, hubs’ comments were not about breast milk at all. I think he’s overwhelmed with being a new parent too, and things are very different in our household than they used to be. I don’t really do well when I’m tired and stressed, and I think I haven’t been the easiest person to be around. Yes, I need help, but instead of being proactive about it and talking to him calmly prior to needing help, I sometimes wait until I’m desperate for help, and a bit frantic. And he does not respond well to that. I’ve been focusing too much on how unfair the distribution of labor is between the two of us, instead of creating a happy home for our baby girl. I even sat down and wrote down each of the tasks that it takes to run our household, from taking out the trash to bathing Alex, quantified the amount of time each task takes, and identified who currently performs each task. What did I learn? That I spend about four times the time each week on our household than the hubs. Not a huge surprise, but what does this gain me?

I thought about sitting the hubs down and showing him this list, telling him he needed to help out more. I thought about how that conversation would go, and couldn’t come up with any scenario in which I would actually get what I want – a more fair household. But is this really that important? I love my husband, and I love Alex, and isn’t that really all that matters? I try not to fight in front of Alex, but as she gets older, she’s going to figure out that Mommy’s bitter and mad all the time, and Daddy is pissed off and saying mean things to Mommy. Is this what I want? Absolutely not. I remember that kind of household. I grew up in that kind of home. I knew for a very long time that my mom and dad hated each other. They stayed together for the “sake of the kids” and I knew that. Finally, when I was twelve, I wrote them a letter asking them to get a divorce, and I told them that staying together for the sake of me is not helping me, it’s only hurting me. I hated being at home, listening to them argue after I went to bed. It was such a tense environment, I swore I would never do that to my child. I really love my husband, and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Why shouldn’t it be a happy and loving home instead of a bitter and maybe fair, but probably not fair, home? Yes, I want to teach my daughter that both parents should participate in the household, and that women aren’t subservient and meant to take care of their men. But if I have to fight her father every day in order to accomplish this, is it worth it? I would rather be a single mom than have her grow up in an unhappy home. So I wrote the hubs this email last week before I went home:

“I’ve decided that a happy household, where you and I are happy with each other and enjoy each other’s company, is much more important to me than trying to achieve some level of fairness, that is really only in my mind. And it’s very important that we create a happy household for Alex to grow up in. I need to accept that both of us at different times will be doing different amounts of work, and that’s just how it is, and it has to be ok. Every couple has struggles when they become parents, and this time is difficult on both of us. We’re both tired, and stressed, and trying to figure out a way to manage. But we need to be nice to each other. That’s the most important thing. Because Alex deserves parents that are loving, both to her and with each other. So I’m going to go home soon, and focus on creating a happy household for us and our daughter. OK?”

I didn’t get an email response, but that night when he came home from work and I was giving Alex a bath, he washed and prepared the bottles for the next day. All on his own, without me asking. For the first time. Since then, we’ve been nice to each other. And I’ve tried to stop tallying in my head everything I do versus everything he does. But he’s been doing more, mostly with me asking, but sometimes on his own as well. I love our home when we’re both nice. We made it through the whole weekend with no fighting, which is huge for us lately! And today, I left him at home for the first day of Daddy Daycare, as we call it. He’s taking care of Alex for three weeks. A couple of you asked last week if he’ll be able to handle it. Yes, I have no concerns with him being able to take care of her. He did it for one day already a few weeks ago, and did just fine. He’s great with her, but he chooses to not take care of her and allows me to do everything, which frustrates me more than if he were incompetent! But I think it’s great that he’s doing this. Yes, it will give him an opportunity to see what it really takes to run things day in and out. But I really want him to be able to bond with her more. A lot of his time will be changing diapers, and feeding and such, but as all of you moms know, that’s when you really bond with your babies. She’s also starting to play a lot more, and he excels at that. But I’m so excited that they will have this time together.

Hubs has lots of ideas of all the things he will accomplish around the house during these three weeks. He asked me to put together a list of things that need to be fixed/painted/organized, etc. I did, but I told him that his only requirement is to take care of Alex, and all of the rest is optional. We’ll see how it goes. I really hope that he doesn’t create additional work, and that the house isn’t a total disaster when I come home in the evenings! But even if it is, as long as Alex is happy, fed and clean, it will be just fine!

“Your breast milk is worthless”

2012-02-02T16:20:00.002-06:00

That’s what my husband told me last night. It was at the end of a discussion which obviously didn’t go well. I always knew that he wasn’t very supportive of breastfeeding, but I got absolute confirmation last night. Before I gave birth, he went to the breastfeeding class with me, but they really didn’t cover the benefits of breastfeeding. Due to limited time, the instructor said she assumed everyone was aware of the benefits, and just covered the mechanics. Hubs was bored and played Sudoku during the whole class. I asked him prior to giving birth to be real supportive of breastfeeding, that I needed him to be my cheerleader in the process. He said he was sure it would be fine, and I told him I was worried about it because I knew that others had problems, and I wasn’t sure if my infertility would cause problems. He told me not to worry about it.

When I gave birth and my milk supply didn’t come in, he wouldn’t say anything encouraging, but he liked it when I started supplementing with formula. Of course, our baby was starving... He was the one to research formula and purchase the sensitive version to help with her reflux and spitting up. I kept struggling to increase my supply, and he didn’t say anything. I’ve recently realized that in the three months that Alex has been alive, he has not said one thing positive about breastfeeding. He hasn’t said anything negative really, just hasn’t said anything at all. He isn’t helpful with bottles or anything, just expects me to take care of all things feeding. Or if I’m being honest, most all things Alex… But in his passive aggressive way, he showed signs that he wasn’t supportive of breastfeeding. A few weeks ago a friend of mine came to visit and I told her in front of the hubs that he wasn’t that supportive of breastfeeding. He responded that he was very supportive of Alex eating. I should have taken the hint and dropped it.

But last night I brought it up. I asked him, saying I didn’t want to start a fight, but I wanted to know his honest opinion, what he thought of breastfeeding. He said it was fine, but he assumes that I’ll stop when she starts eating cereal next month. The man has no clue how long babies eat liquid formula or breast milk. And I know that most people don’t, especially men, but if you knew him, you would know that he does all kinds of research online – it’s one of his favorite things to do! He probably spent 3-4 hours just researching the regular vs. sensitive formula. Anyway, we tried to speak rationally with each other about it last night, but then he said that he doesn’t think Alex gets the nutrients she’s supposed to from breast milk. I told him that this was ignorant (probably not the best word choice), and that he needs to do more research. And then he told me that my breast milk is worthless.

Just to clarify, my daughter hasn't had a day without some formula since day 2 of her life. We started supplementing on day 3 because Alex wouldn't stop crying and my milk hadn't come in. It didn't come in until about day 8-9, and even then it was so very little. After tons of herbs and tons of pumping and breastfeeding, I've slowly increased my supply to 20 ounces per day - on a very good day. She always has some formula, and has been gaining weight very well. She started out her life around 30% on the weight charts, and is now about 75%... For him to claim that I've been depriving our child because I continue to try to breastfeed is completely ridiculous!

I’m actually pretty proud of myself about how I handled the conversation, all things considered. I didn’t raise my voice, or cry (in front of him). I stayed rational, and told him that I wasn’t sure why he would say what he did, but it was mean and not helpful. And that I would quit in a heartbeat, if I didn’t think I was doing the best thing I could do for Alex. He had nothing to say to that. And then he wouldn’t speak to me last night or this morning before we went to work. So then I sent him this email today: “I was serious last night. If you can provide me with some sound research by reputable sources saying that breast milk isn’t better, or “worthless” as you called it, I am very willing to quit. I’m sitting here pumping, and I hate it. It hurts, it interrupts my day and night, and every part of it sucks. And knowing that you don’t appreciate what I’m doing, that in fact you think it’s worthless, makes it so much worse. I only do it because I think it’s good for Alex. You usually do lots of research and are very knowledgeable about stuff which is why I was shocked when you said my breast milk is worthless, but if you have found some research or doctors or anyone that says this is true, I am very open to quitting. Please let me know what you have found.”

Surprise, surprise, he hasn’t responded. I hate this. He truly is one of the smartest people I know, and does all kinds of research about stuff. I really don’t believe that he thinks my breast milk is worthless, but he’s real good at saying mean things, especially when he’s feeling defensive. And when I spend 30 minutes every 3 hours all day and night long strapped to this stupid machine, just to make between 15-20 ounces each day, knowing that my husband thinks I should quit because he doesn’t see any value in it, and thinks that formula is better, well that certainly doesn’t encourage me to keep doing this!

I know I shouldn’t need his support, and that I know I’m doing the best thing for her so that should be enough. But I’m tired, and pumping adds so much additional stress to my life. I can handle it, for the sake of Alex, but to not have the hubs support is awful! I get so frustrated every night, because I watch him have downtime, playing his computer game and watching TV, while I run around the house and wash bottles, make bottles, take care of Alex, and pump. Yes, he feeds me every night, which I really appreciate. He figured out awhile ago that if he wants dinner other than cereal, he has to make it happen! Because I would be more than happy to have a bowl of cereal every night, if it means that I get to spend more time with Alex or sleeping. Those are my only priorities right now. Everything else I rush through when I’m at home – showering, making bottles, tidying up, laundry. I try to slow down when Alex is awake, so I can feed her, play with her and bathe her at a leisurely pace. But as soon as she’s asleep, I’m running around the house trying to get stuff done so I can go to bed. And he’s watching TV and playing his stupid game. I eat while doing my last pump of the night so I can at least do two things at once. Actually three – I will watch TV with the hubs during that time too. He gets frustrated because we used to watch certain TV shows together. Now I could care less – I tell him to watch them by himself if he wants. Not a priority. I rush around every night, and his life hasn’t changed one bit. So yes, I’m frustrated.

All this has been piling up, and I know everybody goes through stuff like this with a baby. It’s just so freaking hard on a relationship, isn’t it? Our division of labor at home is not fair – at all. I’ve asked him repeatedly to help me, that I need help especially now that I’m back at work. And he keeps playing that fucking computer game! I’ve been managing fine with all of this, but now that he insults my breast milk and thinks I should quit because pumping takes too much time for something that’s not worth it? I’m so pissed I can barely think straight.

3 Months!

2012-02-01T16:49:00.001-06:00

My baby girl is three months old today! I can’t believe it. Time sure does go very quickly as a mom! I saw a newborn yesterday, less than a week old, and I couldn’t believe how tiny that little girl was, and she weighs the same as mine did when she was born. Alex has grown so fast, and is very healthy. I’m so thankful that she hasn’t been sick yet (knock on wood) and is doing so well! I am doing an awful job at writing stuff down while it happens, so I thought I would share some of the latest events here. Forgive me if this is boring, but it’s interesting to me… :)

Schedule & Feeding: A few weeks ago, as soon as we got back from Colorado (she was 10 weeks at the time), knowing that I was going to start work in two weeks, we started implementing a schedule, loosely based on Babywise, specifically the ordering of activities: eat, play, sleep. We have now established a loose schedule, and a bedtime routine, and these have helped us go from waking at least four times per night to waking usually once, and a few nights we haven’t had any waking at all! And there has been no crying it out in our household. We’ve had a little crying (mostly on my part) but no more than 5 minutes at a time. She’s way too young for the real CIO stuff, even if Babywise tells you otherwise.

Here is our schedule of feeding: 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 6pm, 7:30pm (or so). There is a nap within every increment except after the 6 pm feeding. That increment has feeding, play, bath, another feeding, bedtime. Then the hubs wakes her up about 10:30-11 pm for a dream feed. Then on the nights she wakes up, she usually wakes around 3 am. At the time of starting a schedule, I pretty much stopped nursing, except about once per day, but it’s sporadic, and really more of a treat than a planned event. I like knowing how much she is eating, and Alex seems to do better with full feedings, which we can control more considering I don’t make much milk. She eats between 4-5 ounces at each feeding, 2-3 ounces at her dreamfeed, and if she wakes up in the middle of the night, I try to get at least 3 ounces in her. If I let her fall asleep without eating enough (which happens a lot!) then she wakes up an hour or two later. That’s what happened during the first 10 weeks of her life. Due to my low milk supply, she would eat a little, act satisfied, and then want more an hour later. So then I would give her some formula, and then she would want more an hour or two later. Repeat and repeat – ALL DAY LONG!!! She never got a full feeding, and she never got more than an hour or two of sleep at a time. Which meant that I never slept either! So now I only pump, or mostly, and feed her using bottles. And both of us seem much happier! In total, she eats between 24-30 ounces each day, and usually about 15 of that is breast milk. I think (hope) that this will continue to provide her with the nutrients and immunities she needs, especially when she starts daycare on March 1. I would love to get her to 100% breast milk, but I am finally starting to accept that this may not happen… (although stay tuned – I placed an order for domperidone from an online pharmacy in India) This is taking a lot of conviction, as every day I think about quitting this pumping madness. Especially as she’s starting to sleep through some nights, and I’m still waking up to pump!

Milestones: She smiles a ton, and has started little giggles. Not real laughs, but little gasps which seem like giggles. She really seems like she’s figuring out the world, and it’s all so fascinating! She loves watching the TV, which I hate as I can picture her little brain cells frying while I watch her. So I keep it off as much as possible, but daddy doesn’t agree with this approach… In the last week, and especially the last few days, she’s fascinated by her hands. I sit her up on the couch, supported by the cushions, and all she does is stare at her hands, moving them around. So very cute watching her discover these things! She grabs onto toys a little, and starts to bat them around. She loves her activity gym, and makes squealing noises, kicking her legs, watching the lights and listening to the music. She’s not a fan of tummy time, as she starts grunting and then yelling about five minutes in. One time when she was real little (maybe 1 month old) she rolled from her tummy to her back, but she hasn’t done it since. She consistently rolls onto her left side while in her crib. And once she’s on her side, she seems to push her way around, up to 180 degrees from how she was when she first laid down! So cute finding her all rolled up on her side – just like I like to sleep. She also is figuring out her mouth, and is having fun sticking her tongue out at us. I’m not really sure if she’s imitating us, or if we’re imitating her, but it’s a fun game.

Size: Daddy bought her an infant scale, so we just put her on the other day. She’s over 13 pounds now! She’s definitely chunked out a little once we started feeding her by bottles. I don’t think she was necessarily starving before, but she seems happier now that she’s eating more at a time. And her thighs are so very cute – starting to get some rolls! She can’t wear any of her 0-3 month clothes anymore – they’re too short. They’re fine by width but she’s too long for them. So we’ve transitioned her to six month clothes. But it’s so sad looking at the bags of clothes in her closet that she can no longer wear! And she will be wearing size 2 diapers soon, as soon as we finish up her size 1 – they’re getting a little small.

Health: In general she’s been very healthy. She had a horrible diaper rash from about weeks 3 – 10. We finally got rid of it with a regime of light cornstarch-based powder first, then thick layer of cream (we were using a prescription diaper cream (Happy Hiney) and now are back to max strength desitin), then another dusting of powder. When it was real bad, we stopped using wipes and would use Viva paper towels in warm water, real gently. We went back to sensitive wipes when it got better, but I see a couple spots that are a little iffy, so we may go back to paper towels soon. Also she has some sort of rash or dry skin or eczema or something on her face. For her first two months, she had perfect skin on her face – it almost seemed unfair when most newborns’ skin looks so awful! But in the last month she’s had some funky stuff on her face. Some dryness, some bumps. I have been putting Eucerin and some natural oils on her face, and it helps some with the scaly parts, but some of it is still rough. It doesn’t seem to bother her, but I miss her perfect skin! And the other thing is the spit-up. Boy can that girl create some fountains out of her mouth! We recently switched from the drop-ins bottles to Dr. Browns, and that has seemed to help a little, at least with the pain that spitting up seems to cause. But it’s still there. It’s mostly a laundry problem, but sometimes she seems like it really hurts, which makes me feel awful! It does seem to be better with breast milk versus formula, so that encourages me when I’m getting up in the middle of the night to pump, but it’s still not perfect.

So those are the main things. All in all, things are perfect. I give her a bath every night, which is our special time. And during that bath I tell her how much I love her, and how every day I’m reminded how lucky I am to have her in my life. She’s the best part of my life, and I’m still amazed that I get to be her mother. I can’t wait for her to grow bigger and tell me what she’s thinking, but I wish she would stay this perfect little bundle of goodness forever.

And for those of you that made it through this lengthy update, here is a snap from this morning, wearing my favorite onesie for my little IVF baby. Made with Love (and Science!)

Back at Work

2012-01-25T15:04:00.001-06:00

I can’t believe my maternity leave is over. It went by so quickly. We had the first seven weeks, when I was just trying to figure life out with a newborn. Then three weeks in Colorado staying with the in-laws, completely out of sorts, trying to make it through each day without melting down. Then two weeks at home, working part-time during naps, frantically trying to get my poor baby on some sort of schedule, just so she would sleep a little better at night, and not require someone to hold her all day every day, knowing I was going back to work. Each of these periods of time had their good moments, and their bad, and I wish I could redo this time. Because now I am at work, missing my baby girl, pumping every three hours, exhausted and trying to figure out how I’m going to sustain this life. Why does it have to be so hard?

I have good moments. Last night when I was bathing little Alex, she was happy. She stares at me during the whole bathtime, and I talk to her about my day and how I missed her, and I tell her how much I love her. I play with her, and I watch her as she moves around and splashes water. But the rest of the evening, she was not happy. She’s starting to get real fussy, particularly in the evenings, and I hate it. I miss her good mornings, when she’s full of smiles and happy to play. Now that I’m at work, someone else gets to enjoy those special times in her day. I wake her up in the morning, feed her a bottle, and then hand her off to my MIL, at least this week. Next week I’m hiring a friend’s sister to watch Alex for two weeks, then the hubs is off for three weeks, and then daycare. But I’m happy that I don’t have to drop Alex off for daycare until she’s four months old. It will be on her four month birthday in fact.

But back to Alex’s fussiness. I wonder if it could be because I’m no longer there. I got home last night, and she wouldn’t take a bottle from me. We stopped nursing at every feeding about two weeks ago, and I discovered that she wasn’t eating much at a time. With the hope that my milk supply was increasing, I would nurse her, and then wait for her to show hungry signs before giving her a bottle. And so what I got is a child who wouldn’t eat more that 2-3 ounces at a time, and just snacked all day and night long. Now that we’re on a feeding schedule, I’ve discovered that Alex wants about 5 ounces each feeding, about every 3 hours. With this kind of schedule, she now sleeps during most of the night, only waking up for a dream feed at 10:30 at night, and then around 3 am. Before implementing a schedule, she was waking up on average about 4 times per night. I knew I couldn’t maintain that kind of schedule when I went back to work!

And so we stopped nursing, almost exclusively, about two weeks ago. I pump, and then feed her expressed breast milk or formula for all but one feeding. My plan was to nurse her at 6 pm when I got home from work, and then give her a bottle. Well the last two nights she absolutely refuses to take a bottle from me! I nursed her, she acted like she was done, and so I tried to give her a bottle, and she screamed. Inconsolable crying, which is very unusual for her. Last night I was able to trick her a little before bedtime by nursing her, waiting until she dozed a little, then without her opening her eyes, I stuck a bottle in her mouth and she would drink some. Then she would open her eyes and scream! So miserable. I feel so bad, I really do think this is because she’s out of sorts from me leaving her. I hope it gets better, very soon, because it breaks my heart to see her crying like this.

I know this is a phase, but boy this is hard right now. I’m completely exhausted, and I don’t feel like I’m functioning very well at work, and I feel like an awful mother with my screaming baby at night. I stare at her pictures at work all day long, hoping to get home soon. Oh, and my milk production still sucks so I spend all this time with this stupid pump hooked to me, and I go home after a full work day with about 6 ounces in my cooler – enough for one bottle plus an ounce! Luckily I make more at night, as I can pump about 4 ounces at 3 am, and another 3 ounces at 6 am. In total, I pump about 15 ounces each day, plus nurse her once, so I’m providing around half her total consumption of 30-32 ounces daily. I wish I could do more, but I’m running out of ideas on how to increase production. This part alone has been so incredibly frustrating. Some days I’m at peace with it, knowing I’m doing what I can. But other days, I’m just exhausted and tired of it all, wondering if all this pumping madness is worth it. I want to be able to continue, but this is so hard.

I feel bad, posting out here, knowing that I haven’t even logged onto my blog reader in weeks. But I’m back at work now, and as stupid as it sounds, I know once I catch up and we’re past this super busy phase at work in a couple weeks, I’ll have more time to read blogs. I’ve never been so busy in my life as I have the last few months, and I’ve had to cut some things out. I’m sorry. All I want to do is hold my baby girl. Speaking of, I need to get back to work so I can bolt out of here as soon as possible! Hope you all are doing well!!!

Going Home

2012-01-04T22:34:00.001-06:00

I always wondered if this was a good idea - leaving home for three weeks with my husband, my newborn and my two dogs and staying with my in-laws. Three weeks later, finally leaving tomorrow to go home, I can definitely say this was a very very bad idea.

The drive from Houston to Denver wasn't bad. Amazingly, our little Alex was great in the car. She slept for most of the way. I was able to pump and feed her bottles, and so we only stopped for diaper changes. We were planning on stopping overnight in Amarillo, but we made such good time and was able to get to the in-laws by midnight. On the way back, we're planning on stopping for the night, which is probably a good idea. But I'm incredibly anxious to get home!

Being at the in-laws was fine. My MIL is great. Every morning I would get up to feed Alex and then my MIL would have "Grammy time" when she would hold Alex and I would get a leisurely shower and get ready. I really didn't even need anything like a swing because MIL wouldn't allow Alex to be on her own. I'm a little worried about transitioning to be a little independent, especially considering I'm about to start working. So like I said, my in-laws were great, and never once complained about our stuff being all over the place or anything. But it's hard being in someone else's home. I miss my space and my privacy. I miss my alone time. I miss not having to be pleasant to everyone, which if I'm completely honest, I wasn't exactly pleasant the whole three weeks. Being out of our element can make anyone go a little or a lot nuts...

I feel like I need to address the big white elephant in the room. For those of you that follow me in your reader, I posted an entry, and then deleted it. I wrote it in the middle of the night and at a very low moment, and after a little sleep I decided that maybe it was best if I didn't have that stuff on my blog. But I forgot about the reader, and the fact that it still got pushed out even if I later deleted it. I'm so embarrassed that you all know about that night. I've always tried to be incredibly open and honest on this blog, but some things feel too raw and exposed. But I have to say thank you to some really lovely ladies who gave me such support and love over the Internet. Both on comments on my blog as well as via email, I have never felt support like I have in the last week. I haven't had the nerve to tell anyone in real life what actually happened that night, but you ladies know and still show me love, and for that I thank you. Yes, my hubs and I talked the next day and agreed that this kind of thing can never happen again. Yes, I believe him. Yes, we still have a lot to work out. And yes, I will be setting up a meeting with my therapist to discuss it. No, he will not go to therapy, I've asked him to go in the past to no avail.

I'm worried about my relationship with my husband. Like so many other women, I'm very disappointed with his lack of involvement when it comes to parenting our child. He has lots of opinions, but when it comes to actually assisting, he's unwilling. But I'm working on being specific in my requests for assistance, and I've actually been able to have a productive conversation about him doing more. I just hate that he's the one "helping". Why is he helping? Shouldn't he just be "doing" like I am???

Ok, rant over. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm OK, Alex is OK, and I can't thank you enough for the love and support you have shown me. I've been part of this blogging world for almost two years, and I continue to be amazed at how fulfilling friendships can be, even if I've never met any of you.

1 Month!

2011-12-05T09:01:00.004-06:00

Note to self: if you intend to do monthly posts, and complete it anytime close to her monthly birthday, make sure you start a few days early... It can get crazy around here at a moment's notice!

Alex at one month (a few days ago, but still!):
She's doing well. Her favorite times are definitely in the morning, when she's alert, and interested in things around here. She naps great during the day, and at night... Well she's not that great at going to sleep. Last night for example, we started her last main feeding at around 8:45 pm, and she was up, still eating occasionally or crying, until about 2:30. Finally at 2:30, she fell asleep in her bouncy seat set up next to my bed, and slept until 5:00 am, at which time I brought her into bed and she nursed for about five minutes, fell asleep for about 20, nursed for 5, etc. until we got up for the day at 7:30, at which time she started her day with a good feeding, with a good nap afterwards. So we're working on getting some awake time during the day so hopefully she'll figure out how to go to sleep in the evening...

She loves tummy time, or at least what we call it: tummy time on Daddy's belly. She doesn't love true tummy time on the floor or couch by herself, but she'll handle it for about 3-4 minutes before she gets angry.

I think Alex may be flirting with smiling - I think it will happen for real here very quickly. We can see certain expressions that might be smiles, but it's hard to tell. She's gone to a few restaurants, and shopping, and to the grocery store - and she behaved very well (slept the whole time...).

I just made an appointment for the doc this afternoon to talk about potential reflux. She get real fussy in the late afternoon/evening when eating. When she has to burp or spit up, she screams and arches her back, throws up, and then feels better. And she hiccups and sneezes after eating, which I've read can also be symptoms. She eats peacefully in the morning, with minimal spit-up, so I wonder if it's really reflux, but I still hate to see her in pain or uncomfortable in the evenings, so it may be worth a visit to the doc to investigate.

Breastfeeding is still going. I'm currently feeding Alex more than half her total intake with breastmilk. Obviously it's hard to judge, but one day last week I did a 24 hour test, and didn't breastfeed at all, only pumped, and I pumped 16.5 ounces in 24 hours, and she ate 21.5 ounces of breastmilk/formula. So I was 5 ounces short for the day. I think that was a low intake day on Alex's part, as yesterday I had to give her about 8 ounces total formula, but it's still pretty good. I'm taking fenugreek and blessed thistle, and with the hope of making more milk, I just ordered some Breastea and some Mother's Milk Plus. We'll see if these help at all. Some days I think of quitting breastfeeding about five times during the day, and yet I still continue. That year I originally wanted to do seems a very long time from now...

This post is supposed to be about my baby's progress during the first month, but I figure I should at least mention the recovery from the c-section. For the first time in a month, I haven't had any painkillers in the last 48 hours. The lasting pain has been the most surprising for me, as it got better after about two weeks, I had a few days reprieve, and then it got worse - really bad in fact. I keep reminding myself that it was major surgery, and I should give myself time to recover, but I wish I felt 100% again. I'm happy to report that I only have three pounds to lose until I get to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I would love to lose a lot more as I was very heavy from all the fertility treatments, and let's face it, all the eating... And I do not love my post-pregnancy belly. I much preferred my huge pregnancy belly, at least then I looked pregnant instead of simply fat!

This first month of my baby's life has been amazing. It's been more fun than I expected, and more exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I can do it all, and I definitely worry about going back to work. But then I look at my baby girl's face, and my heart just melts. All the years of pain, all the treatments, money, and heartbreak, it was all worth it. I now have my little girl, and if I had to go through all of what I did to hold her in my arms, I would do it all again.

Now here are some pics, which were actually taken on her 1-month birthday!

Coming out of the fog

2011-11-28T04:48:00.001-06:00

And I'm not really sure I'm out of it... Little Alex is almost four weeks old, and I can't believe how quickly time has passed. I seem to have no time to do anything, and unfortunately blogging, both posting and reading, has dropped to the bottom of the list. It turns out that I really did need to have a job to find time to blog! I miss it, and will try to include this as part of my routine going forward.

Alex and I have good days and bad, and I could write many posts about all of it. During the day, she will sleep and sleep. I wake her every three hours to feed her, which seems to take about 1 1/2 hours each time. So then we have about 1 1/2 hours of downtime to sleep, take a walk (which seems to help my spirits), do a little laundry, or feed myself (which for the first time in my life I seem to forget). And during the night, she won't sleep for longer than 1-2 hours, so we're doing the feeding thing about every 2-3 hours, and it's more often 2 hours than 3. I try to take naps during the day, which I can do most days, but some days it doesn't happen, which screws everything up for another day or two. Breastfeeding is still going. I really appreciate all the people who gave me such thoughtful and helpful comments and emails! Such good advice and support from all my bloggy folks - thanks! Some days are good - she only wants about 4 ounces of formula in a 24 hour period, and some days aren't that good - up to about 12 ounces of formula in 24 hours. I am not being as good as I should regarding pumping and trying to stimulate my breasts more than what Alex does. I haven't pumped at night in weeks - too tiring. And whole days go by without pumping. Right now my MIL and grandmother-in-law are staying with us, and I don't really feel like pumping in front of them - I'm barely comfortable whipping one boob out in front of them and then covering it with my baby! But they leave on Tuesday, and I'm going to try to commit to one full week of everything I can do to increase milk production, including lots of pumping!

In three weeks, we are leaving to go to Denver and stay with the in-laws for three weeks, and I'm very nervous about the trip. Not necessarily the trip, but living there for three weeks. Right now, I have all my stuff set up between three rooms: my bedroom, living room and kitchen. This includes a bouncy chair set in the pack n play, a swing (which is just the best invention ever), a fabulous rocking chair, two changing stations (day-time in my bedroom, night-time in the living room), and a bottle cleaning station in the kitchen. None of that is going with me to Denver, except my MIL keeps telling me that she bought a pack n play. That's nice, except for the fact that Alex is not a big fan of sleeping flat on her back - she's most content propped up in a swing or the bouncy chair. Or her favorite place, my arms! And the only thing that is going with us to Denver is my arms... Before giving birth, I read so many books and talked to a bunch of people about sleep routines, and raising babies, and I was convinced I knew what I was going to do. I really liked the idea of Babywise, and I was going to follow it perfectly! And then I had a baby... In the middle of the night, when all I want to do is sleep, and all baby wants to do is fuss and cry if you set her down, I am ashamed to admit how many times I fall asleep in bed with Alex sleeping on my chest, something I swore I would never do. It's amazing what we will resort to doing when desperate for sleep! I've nursed her in bed, and fallen asleep while nursing (something I didn't want to do), kept her in my Moby wrap for hours, fed her to sleep, and other things that my sleep-deprived mind can't remember now that I swore I wouldn't do in this way. I really wanted to have a schedule, and get her to sleep through the night quickly, and it seems I have turned into a bit of an attachment-style parent - something that is fine for others but I really didn't want to do myself. I like the ideas, but knowing I am going back to work 12 weeks after birth makes me very nervous about keeping up the ways of attachment parenting. I worry sometimes about undoing the bad habits that we've clearly started, but I keep telling myself that you can't spoil a newborn. But at what point does it get better? I keep thinking about the time I go back to work. Granted I have eight more weeks left, but in the four weeks so far it hasn't exactly gotten better as far as the night feedings. Well I guess during the first week it was constant because she was starving, so that's better. I know I'm rambling, but I just really hope that it will get better here soon because I can't imagine trying to function at a job after the nights I have if her current schedule continues!

Besides worrying about sleeping when we go to Denver and when I return to work, things are getting better. I'm getting the hang of this mommy thing, and I'm having the time of my life. When things are rough, all I have to do is look at her precious face, and my heart melts, and everything seems better. My dad came to town for Thanksgiving, and it was amazing seeing him with Alex. I love how smitten he seems with his new granddaughter. It's moments like those that make everything else in the world disappear, and I couldn't be happier.

Breastfeeding Woes

2011-11-08T03:41:00.001-06:00

During my pregnancy, I read two books on breastfeeding, plus all the sections in the many pregnancy and baby books I've read. I took a class about breastfeeding. I spent countless hours researching different breastfeeding issues online, and I asked lots of questions of my friends who have gone through it. And I bought all the supplies I would need. I was prepared. But I wasn't prepared for the one issue I didn't expect: no milk! Here we are, one week after giving birth, and I don't really think my milk has "come in". Engorgement? Hasn't happened. People talk about having super huge full and hard breasts. Yeah, not so much. I'm still soft and floppy.

It all started so well. I had a c-section, so hubs took the baby back to our room without me while my doc was sewing me up. One of my concerns about having a c-section was being able to nurse quickly - within that magical one hour window after birth. So I was happy to get back to my room pretty quickly - within about 20 minutes after birth. But then the nurse told me to wait to nurse until the lactation consultant came to help me with my first feeding. I consented for about 10 minutes, and then I insisted on feeding my baby - she was my baby, I was going to try myself! Why did I have to wait? And it was a success. Baby Alex latched on immediately, and she suckled like a champ. I think we had about a 30 minute session that first time, about 15 minutes each side. I was so proud.

For the next couple days, everything was looking so good. The nurses wanted to see one poop in the first 24 hours - we gave them 7! She was latching great, and we were feeding every 2 hours. Alex was born Tuesday evening, and on Thursday I had a friend come by and visit, and she asked how everything was going, and I responded that it's much easier than I thought it would be - everything's great! How wrong I was.

That night at our 1:00 am feeding, Alex took one boob just fine. But she wouldn't take the other - she absolutely refused. But I just chalked it up to being full or sleepy or something - no big deal. Then at the next feeding at 3:00 am, she refused both boobs. I struggled for an hour and a half by myself, and finally the nurse stopped by, hearing the crying. She would have been a great drug dealer. The night before, she convinced me that Alex needed to suck a lot, and perhaps we should try a pacifier to calm Alex between feedings. It didn't occur to me that she was fussy between feedings because she was hungry! Of course Alex loved the pacifier, and so I thought it was a success, even though it went against what I had read about breastfeeding and nipple confusion. Well then Thursday night she said that Alex was refusing to nurse because I didn't have any milk to entice her as my milk had not yet come in, and now she was confused by the pacifier, and she didn't want to latch on anymore. So then she convinced me that I needed a nipple shield to help her latch - something I had seen cause much difficulty with a couple of my friends. So with the help of a nipple shield and a bit of sugar water sprayed on the nipple shield to entice her, Alex finally latched at around 4:30 am after crying since 3:00. But then about an hour later, she was fussy again, and wouldn't latch even with the nipple shield, and my drug dealer nurse convinced me that Alex was hungry, and was refusing to latch because nothing was coming out. Finally through tears, I agreed to give her formula as I felt like I was starving my baby. For the first time in days, I saw my baby swallow and voraciously drink. She was finally full.

On Friday, we met with the pediatrician before leaving the hospital, and she said we should do the following: Every 2 1/2 to 3 hours, I should nurse Alex for 10-15 minutes on each side, then pump for 15 minutes. While I pump, I should feed Alex 1-2 ounces of formula, as much as she'll take. This should help increase my milk production as I'm telling my body that the nursing isn't enough by the use of the pump. The whole process takes about 1 1/2 hours when you include bottle and pump set up and washing, and then we get 1 1/2 hours off to sleep or for me to eat. Repeat - 8+ times per day. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

I can see improvement over the weekend. I went from barely getting a drip of milk in my 15 minute pumping session to getting enough to almost cover the bottom of the pump bottles. But it's pitiful. We went to the pediatrician yesterday, and she asked how much I was getting. It's not even measurable - you could tell she wasn't that impressed. And so then we went to the vitamin store, and I loaded up on fenugreek and blessed thistle - herbs that are supposed to help with production.

I'm once again disappointed by my body. My baby is doing her part - she has a great suck, and that was part of the reason why the pediatrician said she wasn't worried about me supplementing - as her suck is so strong, she should be able to go from breast to bottle easily. And this has proven true. I have even been able to wean her off the nipple shield in the last couple days, so that is a success. And my nipples went from sore to not too bad. Another success and evidence of a good latch. But my body is not cooperating. It's been a week, and everything I've read says that my milk should be "in" by now. Yes I have some milk, but I don't think this is what they're talking about when they say milk should be in. People have been having babies for thousands of years, and this should all be natural, right? But I can't help but think that if this was in the time before formula, my baby would not be thriving and I would be starving my baby. But then again, I wouldn't have a baby at all if it weren't for science, right? Once again, my body refuses to do what it was designed to do, and I'm forcing it to behave, or at least hoping it will.

Alex is here!

2011-11-06T01:41:00.005-05:00

This is a little belated, but I'm finally getting the chance and the motivation (at 2 am) to log in and announce the arrival of our little girl, Miss Alexandra Louise! Born on 11/1/11, at 5:03 pm, 7 lbs, 3 oz, 19 inches long. With the cutest and biggest cheeks ever. As they were pulling her out of my belly (yes, ended up with a c-section - birth story to come), they saw her face and cheeks and figured she would be a huge baby. But no, not huge, just huge cheeks. That and a fabulous double chin. Here are a couple pics, one right after she was born, and one when she was first meeting one of her brothers Kodiak.

The Best Laid Plans

2011-10-27T16:05:00.002-05:00

My hubs cannot keep a secret, at least not from me. I find this one of his most endearing qualities, even if it has ruined a few surprises over the years. He can rarely wait until Christmas or my birthday to show me my gifts. He bought my engagement ring while out of town visiting friends, and was planning to do something big and romantic for a proposal, but instead as soon as he saw me, he bent down on one knee and proposed – the ring was burning a hole in his pocket. I love this quality of him, as it’s further evidence that I can trust him completely and he could never keep a secret from me, but it sometimes has a drawback – we often celebrate holidays with me giving him presents, but there’s nothing for me that I don’t know about already!

Last night, the hubs did it again. A package came in the mail, and he asked me if I wanted a gift. C’mon, what girl doesn’t want a gift? But then he explained that it was a “push present” and maybe I should wait until after I pushed to get it. First of all, I think push presents are silly, and I had told him this, but don’t mind getting a gift for any reason, especially if it’s to celebrate being a mom! Also, I was kind of bummed after my doctor’s appointment yesterday when I found out I wasn’t dilated at all and the doctor expects the induction to be difficult, and maybe result in a c-section. So I thought that opening a gift might cheer me up… And when someone is holding a gift excitedly and asks if I want to open it, of course the answer will be yes! So I said yes, and he told me the gift was from Blue Nile – could I guess what it is?

I got excited. For those of you that have been my bloggy friend for awhile, you might recall that I bought myself a charm bracelet last year for myself from Blue Nile. Here’s the post and picture. I bought two charms for the two babies I lost – hearts with the birth stones for the months that I lost my little ones. And I got some happy charms – a dog and one to commemorate our wedding. Upon request, hubs got me a cat one for Christmas. And I knew that someday, when I got my baby, I would get a charm to represent my baby. I really wanted the baby shoe here. I was planning on asking for it for Christmas.

So when I saw the Blue Nile box, I was very excited. I was getting my charm! But then I opened the box. And it was a heart with a November birth stone, with the letter A engraved for Alexandra. And I burst into tears. Hubs was so confused, he didn’t understand. “What’s wrong? I thought you liked the charms.” I sobbed, “I do, but it’s a heart.” “But I thought you like hearts – you have two on your bracelet!” “Yes, but they’re for the dead babies. I want Alex to be alive, to be different, and not be a dead baby.”

I feel so bad. Hubs really thought he was doing such a good job by getting me a charm to represent Alex, and he really did. I should have told him, been more clear when I picked out the charms, that for the live baby, I wanted something other than the hearts. I told hubs that I wanted something different, and he pointed out that this one had an A engraved for her name. Which caused me to sob even more – the dead babies didn’t get names! I felt so bad last night crying like that over a gift, but I couldn’t help it. For over a year, I’ve looked down at my charm bracelet, and touched those two little hearts, thinking of my dead babies, and looking forward to the time when I have something different to touch for my live baby. But last night I got very scared that somehow he jinxed us, that giving me a charm that was similar to my dead baby charms would cause Alex to be dead too. I know this isn’t rational, but I’m a nine-month pregnant woman about to be induced on Tuesday! I’m the first person to admit that I’m not at my most rational right now!

I finally calmed down, apologized for reacting so poorly, and suggested that maybe we should hold off on putting the charm on the bracelet until after Alex is born, and she’s healthy. Perhaps we should wait until after the pushing to use the push present…

So then in desperation to make me feel better, he ruined my Christmas surprise and showed me online the gift he plans on getting me: a beautiful Tiffany necklace with Alex’s birthstone!

Graduation

2011-10-21T15:21:00.002-05:00

Two years ago, I decided that I had tried to get pregnant naturally for long enough and needed professional assistance, and so I hired an RE to help me. At the same time, I decided that I had tried to manage my mental health on my own for long enough and needed professional assistance, and so I hired a therapist to help me. After about 18 months with the RE, I graduated from his care, but it was easy to tell when it was time – I had a baby in my ute that appeared to be viable. But it’s harder to tell when to graduate from a therapist.

I’ve been seeing B (my therapist) regularly for two years – weekly up until about three months ago, and then every other week. She’s been asking at the end of our sessions if I still want to keep going on, and I’ve always said yes. But last night she kicked me out – she said I don’t need to come back anymore! She had been hinting around it for awhile, and two weeks ago she asked if I wanted to do one more session, so I knew it was coming, but it was still weird walking out of there without an appointment scheduled. She said that I can come back for tune-ups, and I can come back after Alex is born if I think I’m having problems with depression, but she thinks that I now have all the tools that I need to deal with my life. Weird…

I’m a little nervous, being out here in the world without B behind me, helping me figure things out, asking me how I could have handled things differently. She’s a bit of a security blanket for me, and being without her is somewhat scary. I wonder if I really am ready to be without therapy. Because not everything is easy, there are still a lot of hard things that I deal with, and the thoughts that go through my head are not good!

But then I remember a couple nights ago when I was up at 3:00 am, and I couldn’t sleep. Baby Alex wasn’t moving, and my thoughts immediately started racing – what if she’s dead? When was the last time I felt her move? What if I’ve gone through all this and I won’t bring home a baby? But within just a few minutes, I was able to stop myself, and remind myself that the likelihood is very slim that I won’t be bringing home a baby, and that I just felt her move a few hours before, and everything was ok. And sure enough, I got up, drank a glass of milk, and little Alex started moving around.

I also remember a few weeks ago when I found out that my mother was not coming to see me, even though she said she promised to buy a plane ticket to come see me before Alex was born. In the past, I would have been very upset, but this time when she told me she was coming, I told her that I was very excited to see her, but I told myself that it was likely not going to happen. And I shouldn’t expect too much. And when she said that she was too busy to come, I told her I was disappointed, but I didn’t get upset. I didn’t even cry or anything, I just told myself that it was her loss, and it was ok. Sure, I wish my mom was different, but I can’t make her into someone she is not, I can only manage my own expectations, and choose to treat myself well when others don’t.

Maybe all these things mean that I really am ready to be on my own without B. The bad things will continue to happen, my mother will probably drive me nuts until one of us is gone, and my husband will frustrate me to no end after Alex is born, I'm sure! But maybe I know how to deal with this stuff better than I used to. I will probably always have awful thoughts go through my head, but the difference between now and two years ago is I used to allow them to stay, and I couldn't move on. Now I acknowledge the thoughts, and turn it around, bring it back to reality, so much quicker than I ever have before.

I know that I can go back to see B if I feel like I need to, but I feel ready to take on this next chapter in my life, motherhood, with all the tools she has given me. I’m so much stronger than I was two years ago, and I’m very proud of myself for continuing to go to her and talk through things in my life. Sure it would be easy to keep seeing her, but we all must grow up and move on to the next place in our lives, without our security blanket. I guess it’s now my time.

The Final Two Week Wait

2011-10-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

Throughout it all – the TTC naturally, the IUI’s, the IVFs, the miscarriages, it seemed like our lives were split into little two week periods. Waiting for ovulation, waiting for AF, waiting for that elusive BFP, waiting for an ultrasound, waiting to miscarry, waiting, waiting, waiting. And after it all, I am finally in the last two week wait for my baby.

I went to the doc this morning, and he scheduled me for an induction on November 1 – two weeks from today. At that point I’ll be 38 weeks, 3 days, and he doesn’t want me to go any longer for fear of going into labor naturally without being able to control the timing of Lovenox. I also had my first ultrasound since 20 weeks, which was cool. Little Alex was head down, and it looks like she’ll be a little small. She is weighing 5 lbs, 13 oz, and is in the 28th percentile. But everything looked good, and I can’t wait to meet her!

I can’t believe I’m giving birth two weeks from today (assuming of course my body doesn’t decide to do something differently). Of course my mind goes to my To Do list, trying to figure out what needs to happen before she comes. But there really is very little. Sure I’d love to organize some more at home, but after working all day, I’m completely exhausted, and I don’t get anything done in the evenings. I’ll be working until next Friday (woohoo! So excited to take time off!) so I really will only have one day off of work prior to induction date. This weekend we have infant CPR and infant care classes, so that should be fun. At least it will be very relevant, and the hubs won’t complain about not needing to know the information! Other than that, there’s really very little to do. The bag is packed with the exception of last minute items like cell phone chargers, the room is done, or at least as much as we’re going to do, and everything is ready.

I have good news about the Lovenox & aspirin while breastfeeding thing. I talked with my OB about it, and he thinks I should just stop taking both drugs at birth. Yes, I have a clotting issue, but I’ve never actually had clots that have been diagnosed, only a gene mutation. So he tells his patients with this situation to just stop the drugs at birth, no weaning required, and he’s never seen an issue. So that makes the decision very easy!

It’s so strange to admit, but I’m having a little anxiety about being a mom. The time is finally almost here, and I hate to admit that I’m nervous about being able to handle it. I hear from others about how hard the first few weeks and months can be, and I’m getting nervous about it. I honestly think it will be fine, but I also wonder how naïve I am being – what if it’s not fine? I don’t spend much time with these thoughts, but sometimes at 3:00 in the morning when I can’t sleep the fear races through my mind…

I must get back to work as I have a huge list of things that I need to get done prior to leaving work. But as I complete these tasks, the words “Two more weeks, two more weeks!” keep going through my mind. Two more weeks – can you believe it???

Medical Confusion

2011-10-12T14:39:00.002-05:00

First I want to state for the record that I apologize to my bloggy friends – I am WAY behind on reading blogs! I’ve been working so hard lately, as there are so many projects that need to get done before I go on maternity leave, that I haven’t had any time at work to blog. And let’s face it, work is my primary place for blogging… Usually when I go home, the last thing I want to do is get on the computer. But I promise to get better and get caught up!

I have had a whirlwind of doctor appointments over the last two days: my regular weekly OB appointment, my asthma doctor to update my scripts so I could have fresh meds for labor, and a pediatrician. My OB appointment was fine, except there was a bit of a scare – the nurse took my blood pressure and it was 148/102, which is very high for me, at the beginning of my appointment. Then I did the NST for about 30 minutes, and the doc came in. He took my BP again, using what I call the fat person cuff, and it was 122/82, which is more typical for me. So I worried a bunch while getting my NST for nothing… The nurse had told me that there wasn’t protein in my urine, but still! Pretty concerning to have high BP and just sit there and think about it for 30 minutes! At my asthma appointment today (which went fine), my BP was 120/78. So I think it was a fluke and a result of using a too-small cuff, like my doc said.

The doctor visit that threw me for a loop is the pediatrician. I went to a doc that was recommended by some ladies at work, and I expected to like her, and I did. But it was very interesting, and is causing me to do a lot of googling, so I figured I’d come to the best source – my infertile sisters!

As a brief medical history, I’ve been treated or at least consulted with 3 docs: Dr. Sher in Vegas, Local RE, and OB. Local RE ran a bunch of tests at my request after my miscarriage last summer, and I was diagnosed with compound heterozygous MTHFR – two mutations. He recommended taking Folgard 2.2 twice per day, and low-dose aspirin. My understanding is that these are meds for the rest of my life, now that we know I have the MTHFR mutation. Then I had a consult and testing with Dr. Sher, when he diagnosed me with elevated NK cells, and recommended intralipids for that, and in addition to the Folgard for MTHFR, recommended Lovenox during pregnancy and for 6 weeks after birth. I ended up going with Local RE for IVF and a subsequent FET, which resulted in a baby in my belly, but only because Local RE agreed to follow Sher’s intralipid and Lovenox protocols. But even though Sher didn’t think aspirin was necessary, Local RE recommended it, and so therefore I’ve been taking Folgard, low-dose aspirin and Lovenox, every day, throughout my pregnancy.

Meanwhile, after getting pregnant, I went to see my OB, who is fine with me taking baby aspirin and Lovenox, and is now the prescribing doc for Lovenox. He is not a fan of switching people to heparin prior to birth, and instead prefers to induce labor prior to me going into labor on my own, so we can control the timing of labor with the shots of Lovenox. So I will get an ultrasound next week at 36 weeks (can you believe it?!?!?!) and based on that, we’ll schedule an induction somewhere around 38 weeks (so excited – she’s almost here!!!). Nobody has really mentioned what will happen after birth, except I always knew that Sher’s protocol said Lovenox until 6 weeks post-birth.

So I go see the pediatrician yesterday for a “new mom” visit, and I don’t really know what I’m doing. Sure I’ve downloaded some questions to ask from the internet, but really I just want to see if I think I’ll get along with her, and like her style. She asks me at the beginning if there have been any complications with my pregnancy, and I give her the brief run-down: “No not really after getting pregnant. Trouble conceiving, miscarriages, IVF. Diagnosed with clotting disorder so taking Lovenox, so OB wants to induce around 38 weeks so he can control the timing.” Ped doc said that sounds like a good plan, and moves on. At some point, I ask her about her feelings of breastmilk vs. formula feeding.

Now as a side note, I feel very prepared to breastfeed, or at least as prepared as I can. I’ve read a couple books, including Jack Newman’s book, The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers, which I highly recommend. I’ve done a bunch of research online. I even dragged the hubs to a breastfeeding class. Bought a pump, nipple cream, breast pads and bras. In short, I really want to breastfeed, and I will do anything to make that possible.

I’ve read in the books about how to tell if a doctor/hospital is breastfeeding-friendly. And this new pediatrician, or at least her nurse, broke the number one rule. As soon as I checked in and was brought back to an office, the nurse happily exclaimed that she had all kinds of new mom gifts for me! Lots and lots of formula samples… But giving the office and the doc the benefit of the doubt, maybe they just want to get rid of the stuff that I’m sure the formula companies give them…

Anyway, I asked the ped doc about breastmilk vs. formula feeding, and she said that breast is best. She firmly believes in breastfeeding. But she’s supportive of situations that require formula. “Like for you, if you need to take Lovenox after birth.” I’m sorry, what? She said that Lovenox is a bad drug to take if you’re breastfeeding, so if I’m taking that, I’ll need to feed my baby formula. I responded that I read that Lovenox has a high molecular weight, and will therefore not pass into breast milk. So she got out her meds for breastfeeding book, and we went to Enoxaparin (generic name for Lovenox) and like she said, it’s listed as a Level 3 drug. Level 1 – great. Level 2 – just fine. Level 3 – no studies have been done to prove anything either way. Level 4 & 5 – bad. (At least that’s how I interpret the levels – some of you science types could refute me…) And she explained, which I wasn’t really aware of, although it makes sense, that the levels for breastfeeding are different than the classifications for pregnancy. I knew Lovenox was Class B for pregnancy, so I figured it would be fine for breastfeeding. But she said it was Level 3 – no studies have been done, so she doesn’t like me taking it and breastfeeding. Yes, the book mentioned the high molecular weight and that it’s unlikely that it could pass through to breast milk, but she wasn’t buying it – it was a Level 3, and that’s it. But it’s a judgment call and it’s up to me. Also, aspirin is classified as Level 3, and it has been linked to Reyes syndrome, but not in low doses. So that is up to me as well!

I’ve read a bunch of stuff online, and most things that I read say that both Lovenox and low-dose aspirin are just fine, but it is concerning to have a pediatrician disagree with you… I consulted Jack Newman’s book, and he mentioned low molecular weight heparins (like Lovenox, but not specifically addressing Lovenox) and that it has too high of a weight to get into breast milk. He doesn’t address aspirin at all.

Yes, I’ll talk to my OB about it, but I doubt he’ll have any kind of opinion as he’s just following the recommendations of other docs. Part of me just wants to stop both Lovenox and aspirin when I give birth. Yes, I know there’s a risk of me developing clots, but I’ve never had any kind of issues in my life until trying to get pregnant. I would have never even known about this if I hadn’t miscarried! And using Lovenox and baby aspirin is somewhat controversial for compound heterozygous MTHFR folks, so maybe I don’t even need it… I hate that once again, there is no clear-cut answer when it comes to infertility and the things we do to combat it.

All I know is I want to breastfeed my little Alex, and just be a normal mom. Is that too much to ask???

Lightbulb Moment

2011-09-29T15:42:00.002-05:00

We were at the childbirth class for the best of the four, the one that includes the hospital tour and the discussion of all the “interventions”. You know, all the stuff I plan to use in my upcoming birth process. So all of us were crammed into a birthing suite, which is actually pretty nice, and there were comments about husbands sleeping on the couch, and the night nursery which is available from 11:00 pm to 6:00 am (which I informed the hubs that we were not using), and changes of clothes, gowns and stuff. Someone then asked a question about how long after birth you can go home, and the instructor said minimum of 24 hours for vaginal birth, 48 hours for C-section, and plan on a day for labor, so plan on staying at least two nights. And that the nurses are available to help, but you really should plan on having a support person there during your whole stay. As we were leaving the room to go to the next spot on the tour, I asked the hubs, “So are you ready to make this a home for a few days?” He has this shocked expression on his face, and he responded, “My mom needs to come here and take care of the dogs!” Um what??? We talked about this months ago! I had asked if he feels very strongly about having her here for the birth, he said no, and I told him that my preference is to not have anyone fly in for the birth, because if his mom were to come, then my mom would need to be invited as well. And both of moms, or either of them, would stress me out to no end.

I told hubs that I already asked our dog-sitter to be on call, and she will be able to come stay at our house while we’re in the hospital, or at the minimum, stop by a few times each day. And that I agreed to have his mom come down a few weeks after the baby is born, but not prior. I think by then my stress level may be a little lower, and I will be able to handle being nice to his mom. I don’t think I could be trusted to be nice to anyone while I’m in the hospital, especially for long periods of time. Because she wouldn’t be content staying at our house, she would have to be with us in that room ALL DAY LONG!!!

Well it turns out that hubs finally figured out, for the first time this pregnancy, that giving birth is a multi-day process. Apparently his mother told him that she went into labor with him in the morning, went into the hospital, pushed for 15 minutes, and was home by the afternoon. And I guess that’s what hubs expects now! I let him know that either his mom has been telling him lies his entire life, or she’s highly abnormal. And this will not be happening with me. How did he not know this would take multiple days? Oh and then he said that it would be good to have her at our home when we got back from the hospital because we would be tired, and would want to rest. I informed him that resting is not really part of it – I plan to breastfeed, and I will need to be feeding her every 2-3 hours! He thought that I could just pump a bunch and fill up some bottles for the baby. On day 2.

OK, so now it becomes very evident why we’re going to all these silly classes. He has no clue! I have bought him books, and tried to talk to him about stuff, but he won’t read the books, as he only likes to read stuff online. So I’ve tried to send him articles about Dad’s role and such, but apparently it didn’t all click until this week. Suddenly he’s realizing that this might actually be hard! That there’s a lot of stuff to do to take care of a baby! That he won’t get as much sleep as he’s used to!

I have to laugh, and I’m glad we’re finally having these conversations. I knew he was pretty clueless, but wow. We have one more childbirth class, and then there’s a breastfeeding class, infant CPR, and infant care class. I’m so happy I’ve signed up for these – because it’s becoming more and more evident that they are very useful, if only to spark conversations!

On another note, hubs works for the best company ever when it comes to benefits. First, his insurance paid for most of the costs of this little IVF baby, and now we just found out that he can take 12 weeks of FMLA leave, and they will pay him 100% pay! No disability, no PTO, no nothing. Meanwhile I’m scraping together my PTO, disability and some part-time work at home to maximize my pay while I take time off, but he can take 12 paid weeks sometime in the first 12 months, as long as they’re in minimum 1 week increments! Have you ever heard of a company in the US doing this? And even better, his direct boss has two children, and he took off the 12 weeks for each of his kids, so he’s very supportive. So hubs is planning on taking a couple weeks off when Alex is born, and then a few weeks around Christmas, and then a month off when I return to work in January. I’m thrilled, as this is a month that I don’t have to put my baby in daycare when I go back to work! And we’re considering packing up the baby, our two dogs, and going to Colorado for a few weeks at Christmas. We could visit family and friends, and have help with Alex for awhile.

But my question to all the moms out there is: Am I crazy for putting two big dogs (who have handled the trip very well many times before, and are great, but are terrible in a hotel so we refuse to stay in a hotel with them) and a baby who will be about 6 weeks old into a van with all our stuff and making a trip that normally takes 16 hours? And how long will it take when you incorporate the additional stops that a baby requires???

Heartbreak and Control

2011-09-20T16:42:00.000-05:00

My BFF, the one that I wrote about here (41 years old, recently had an FET and found out she was pregnant with rising numbers and everything…) Well, it’s all over. She went in for more betas, and her numbers weren’t rising appropriately. Then finally she went in this weekend for an ultrasound, and there is nothing there. She stopped all the progesterone, and now she’s bleeding. My heart breaks for her.

But then, on top of it all, right after she found out she was pregnant, and right before she found out her numbers weren’t increasing appropriately, her husband went to the doctor due to pain in his testicles and they determined he has testicular cancer. So he had one of his testicles removed on Friday, and they find out later this week how bad it is based on the pathology report. I finally got to talk with her on Sunday, and she’s in shock – still processing it all. I can’t even imagine – going through all this at the same time. My heart goes out to her, and I wish I could take away the pain. But I know I can’t. I only did what I knew to do – talk to her, and I sent them flowers.

She sent me an email today, her first day back at work after taking most of last week off: “I’m back at work and I can’t decide if it’s good to be back in familiar territory that I can control or if it sucks to be back to work.” This is so very true. I remember going back to work after my miscarriages, and I found it strangely comforting going to a place where I was competent, where I could have a direct relationship between hard work and results. In school and in work, I’ve been very successful. And so has my friend – ever since we met in grad school we’ve been successful at our studies and our jobs. We’ve worked our way up our own corporate ladders, and our hard work has been recognized and rewarded. It’s only when we try to do something in our personal life like try to start a family that we can’t control the outcome. I find this statement very common in our online IF community. So many of us have been successful professionally, and are then shocked when our plan for family-building doesn’t go as expected.

My friend has tried to get pregnant for over two years, and finally succeeded after two IVF’s and an FET. She had a couple days of happy wonderful times, when she told her family and her close friends, and she started planning for her future baby. And then her world started crumbling around her – her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and then she lost her baby. She, and for that matter all of us, has absolutely no control over what happens to her in her personal life. And this sucks, it really does.

The only thing we can try to control is our reaction to the events around us. And so I can try to be there for my friend, send her flowers as a token of my love, hug my husband a little tighter while being grateful that he’s healthy, and appreciate even more that my baby girl is doing well in my belly. But I’m continually reminded that this is all fleeting – we never know when our worlds can crash - none of us have any control.

Childbirth Class

2011-09-14T16:01:00.002-05:00

Hubs and I took our first childbirth class last night. It is a 12 hour class, split into four nights over four weeks. It’s put on by the hospital where I’ll give birth, and includes a tour of the facilities, so that will be helpful. I didn’t really give Hubs an option to attend – I just told him he had to, and I’m glad we’re going. But I doubt we’ll use much of the info we’ll learn.

I would love to think that I won’t use drugs to give birth, but I doubt that will happen. In a perfect world, maybe I would try to have a natural birth, but I would have hired a doula and relied on someone other than Hubs to get me through it. But as we all know, we’re not in a perfect world. I’m taking Lovenox daily to decrease the risk that I’ll lose my baby, and therefore I don’t get to wait until the baby decides she’s ready to be born, as the instructor last night described as ideal. Instead I will go into the doctor’s office at 36 weeks, see what the ultrasound looks like, and then coordinate with my doctor my induction date sometime between 37 and 39 weeks. She will be born slightly early, the meds that I’m on will be strictly scheduled, and my body will be ripped from not-ready-for-labor to induction-by-meds-who-cares-if-you’re-body-is-ready very quickly. Based on what I’ve read, induction involves more intense contractions, IV’s and other medical interventions which will impair my abilities to move around, and an increased chance of C-section. And this is if everything goes according to plan!

And I’m ok with this. I’m ok with handing everything over to the doctor, and allowing him to direct my birth. Because all I care about is having my baby, and I want her to be healthy. I know this decreases my chances of breastfeeding going well because of the meds that will be in my body, and I know that it’s not ideal to deliver before 40 weeks if not necessary, but it’s ok. It’s ok, because it is necessary to make sure that I have this baby! I guess it’s your standard risk vs. reward analysis. Sure, in a perfect world, I might have planned something differently, but this is what I’m doing with the hand I’ve been dealt, and I’m focusing on the good part – the baby that I get at the end. Like I’ve said before, my birth plan consists of three points: in a hospital, healthy baby, healthy mommy. Everything else is just details.

The class last night does NOT agree with my plan – at all. It’s a certified Lamaze class even though it covers other areas, including meds. But its main focus is natural childbirth. Hubs kept leaning over to me last night, saying things are ridiculous, we’re never going to use this, this class is dumb, etc. But that’s ok. I actually had a really good time.

Hubs and I have not been connecting very well lately. We haven’t had fun in awhile together, and it’s starting to wear on our relationship. Prior to getting pregnant, we used to go out a lot with other people, and I don’t do this much anymore. Most of Hubs’ socializing involves bars and drinking. I really don’t mind going to most bars, as long as they’re not smoky, and I have made an effort to go with him for a lot of these outings, but it’s getting harder and harder to hang out with him. I’m not only physically uncomfortable just sitting in a chair for hours on end, but also I’m feeling a bit awkward being the big huge pregnant woman in the bar. It just seems odd! Not as odd as the baby in a bar, but still a bit weird, no? So I’ve cut most of this out of my life, but Hubs still meets our friends quite often – at least twice each week, sometimes more.

Last week we got into a fight on Thursday night when I made dinner for us (which is a huge feat – my back is usually very sore after working, so standing up in the kitchen to make dinner is miserable) and he didn’t call me until 7:45 to tell me that instead of coming home (even when I told him that morning that I was making dinner) he was going to a bar to watch football with some friends. He got a ride home (he had left his car at the bus stop, it’s not like he was drunk) with a friend at 10:00, and invited the friend in to hang out and drink more. I was reading in bed, so I asked him to come talk to me, and I told him that I was very upset that he didn’t come home that night. See, he had gone out Wednesday night with friends to the normal trivia night, and he was leaving for Colorado on Friday to go to a wedding (which I couldn’t go to because the wedding was in the mountains and my doc thinks that I shouldn’t fly and go to high altitudes now). So the only night that he would be around was Thursday, and I made dinner, and he went to the bar. I told him I was upset, and he told me I was unreasonable. He left on Friday, sent me a few texts over the weekend, and then came back Sunday. I tried to talk to him about it on Sunday, and he told me again that I was unreasonable. This didn’t get resolved, I could only drop it.

I’m sure this is common, but I worry about if it will be any different when Alex comes. He is rarely at home, and when he is, he’s on the computer playing some online game. I wonder if he will step up when he has a daughter. He’s been doing better lately – as he sees that I can’t do as much physically as I used to, he really is pitching in quite a bit. I told him that I wasn’t going to make dinner anymore, as it hurts too much and I can’t rely on him to come home, and he said ok. Monday night he came home and made grilled cheese sandwiches and soup – which was perfect. And he’s done a lot of other things. But my mind keeps going to the list of household projects that he starts and doesn’t complete (you should see my backyard – deck was removed, rock was ordered, and only partially placed – for the last few months, and Alex’s room has been partially painted for weeks). I’m trying to be patient, I really am, but he’s driving me nuts!

So last night at birth class was really good for us. Hubs says he was miserable and it was a waste of time, but we had a great time sitting in the back making snide comments about the instructor and what she was suggesting (Hubs told me that there’s no way I was going to lay down on the bed with my pants off and cough so he could watch to see if my amniotic fluid was dripping out!), or the other class members (you know you’re in Texas when a guy is asking if he can go hunting during his wife’s pregnancy – it’s duck season, and their deer lease is three hours away!). It was three hours when Hubs and I were on the same team again, having fun together, and acting like it was us against the world. Maybe we’re not getting as much as we can out of the class when Hubs keeps leaning over to me and whispering “Brainwashing!” But it made me laugh every time. We’re having fun together, which we really need. And that’s definitely worth it!

Woohoo!!!

2011-09-08T13:19:00.001-05:00

I’ve talked in the past about my BFF. She’s the one who declared me an IF mentor in April 2010, after she had been TTC for almost a year and finally went to the RE. Since April 2010, she did Clomid for a few months, had two IVF’s and an FET. She skipped IUI’s because her doctor doesn’t recommend them for anyone over 40. During her first IVF, which was around the same time as mine, she had a chemical pregnancy – very low numbers, not doubling, took a long time for her numbers to go to zero so she could try again. Her second IVF didn’t work at all, but she had two frozen embryos from that cycle. This was going to be her last try – she felt like she had to use her frozen embryos before she gave up. But she wasn’t hopeful. When they thawed her two embryos, one of them didn’t make it – it didn’t start growing. So her doctor who normally recommends transferring three embryos for women over 40 gave her a choice: go through with the transfer of the one not-so-good looking embryo, or save the money and try again. She knew that she was done with fertility treatments – she hated the whole process – so she figured that even though the doc wasn’t very hopeful, he may as well transfer the one embryo so she could be done.

Everything was against her – she’s 41, her sole embryo didn’t look good, she had no symptoms, she was done with treatments. I talked with her on Sunday, the day before the results came back from her 2nd blood test (her clinic doesn’t tell patients anything after the first blood test, only after the second blood test shows that it’s increasing appropriately) and she wasn’t hopeful. I asked her to text me the results on Monday, and she said she would, in between beers and cigarettes…

I didn’t hear from her on Monday, and I didn’t call her either. I figured I would give her some time to grieve – I really didn’t think it would work! On Tuesday, I emailed her, but no response. I was trying to be respectful of her grieving process… But Tuesday night, I got a phone call, and she said, “Does Alex want a cousin?” Holy shit! It worked! Just goes to show all you ladies – you never know. All signs could be pointing to things not working, and it can turn out positive!

She’s over the moon excited, and I am too. Not only so that she can have her baby after everything she has gone through, but I’m also very excited for our friendship. There were times in the last few months that I knew that it was hard for her to talk to me. We would go weeks without her returning my calls, which would never happen in the years that we’ve known each other and been friends. She would apologize, claiming that she’s busy, but I know that it was sometimes hard to talk to me. In our conversations, I would never bring up my pregnancy, and only talk about it if she asked me questions, which she did quite a bit. I always tried to steer the conversation back to her, to work, to something else, but it was hard. After her last failed IVF, she said, “I really hope we can continue to be friends even if IVF never works for me.” And I told her I hoped so. I don’t think it ever would have come to that, but it still was concerning, as things between us were harder.

On Tuesday after she told me she was pregnant, it was just like it used to be. Both of us couldn’t stop talking, and it was fabulous. She asked me lots of questions about early pregnancy, and dates and such, and then told me that she was going to be high-maintenance. She would need me for all kinds of support during her pregnancy. This couldn’t have made me happier!

And yet… I can’t stop thinking that she’s too excited, that she’s naively assuming there’s going to be a baby at the end. I just want her to get to the second trimester so the risk of miscarriage is lower. She knows that there’s a chance – she saw what I’ve gone through, her sister has had two miscarriages in between her successful pregnancies, and her doctor told her that the risk of miscarriage is higher for older women, but she’s not thinking of this. All she can think about is that in May, she’s going to have a baby! Which is what she should do – I’m certainly not going to bring this up (thank goodness for not telling anyone my blog address!), and I’m going to try to be as positive as possible when I speak with her. But I’m scared. Because I don’t want anything to ruin this happiness for her.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to be happy for her, and talk about raising our babies together (long-distance, of course – we haven’t lived in the same state since 1997!). I have been hoping for a pregnancy for her for so long, and now it finally happened. Like she said, we both will have our babies from frozen embryos – how perfect is that!

Weekly Visits

2011-08-30T13:58:00.001-05:00

Today was the first of many (hopefully) weekly visits with the doc. As I’m taking Lovenox for clotting issues, my doc wanted to start weekly non-stress tests at around 29 weeks, to make sure that my placenta is working, and Alex is getting enough blood, and there are no clotting problems. So I went in today, had the machine strapped to my belly, and listed to her heartbeat for about 20 minutes, while pressing a button every time I felt her move. What a wonderful way to start my morning. Although it took the nurse a few minutes to find her heartbeat, which was a little stressful. I kept telling myself, I just felt her move, I just felt her move, it will be ok. And of course it was ok. Alex performed very well, as her heartbeat increased when she moved, so the doctor called her “reactive”, which apparently is a good thing!

The doc and I talked about the plan for the last part of my pregnancy. Weekly appointments with NST’s. An ultrasound at 36 weeks to check her growth, unless there’s any indication that her growth is off before that. And induction at 37-38 weeks. I asked about switching from Lovenox to Heparin, and he said no. He said there is a lot of discussion as to whether this is important, but he doesn’t think it is. He said that I could go into labor at any time, and with the weekly appointments and constant attention, they will try to control the timing of induction, but we really can’t control it. He plans to have me off of Lovenox for 24 hours prior to induction, but if I go into labor on my own, then it will be fine. He said that worst case, if I have to do a C-section, I won’t be able to do a spinal block and instead will need to have general anesthesia, but he thinks the chance of this is rare. So we’ll just continue to monitor the situation and see what happens.

I’m fine with this approach. I talked a lot with people at my baby shower last week about birth plans and such. I have a friend who did all these hypno-birthing classes, and was so disappointed when she ended up having a C-section. She grieved for a long time, and had a hard time getting over it. In fact, I don’t think she really got over it until she had a successful VBAC with her second pregnancy, with no meds. I completely respect those that place a lot of importance in how the birth takes place, but at this point, I really don’t care. Infertility has taught me that there is very little I can control in my reproductive plans, and it’s OK. I handed the conception of my child over to the doctors, and now I’m handing the birth of my child over to the doctors as well. So my birth plan consists of three things: at a hospital, healthy baby, healthy me. All I care about is being able to take my baby home, and I’d like to be alive to do it.

Moving to weekly appointments, and starting to talk about induction, makes it seem so very close! I’ll be at 30 weeks on Saturday! Which means that I’ll have a baby 7-8 weeks after that! Wow, I can’t believe it’s so close. We have so much to do – classes, her room, another baby shower – but none of it matters. I’m so excited to be able to meet her, and I’m thrilled that I’m getting even closer to that day.

Missing Colorado

2011-08-26T09:47:00.000-05:00

We had such a wonderful weekend in Colorado. We spent Thursday through Monday spending time with all our friends and family in Colorado, and we are truly blessed with the people that have stayed in touch with us, and continue to support us and come out to see us when we go back to Denver.

I find myself telling everyone how this little one was conceived. I wasn’t super secretive about my infertility before – I would tell anyone if they asked, or if it seemed natural. But now that I’m pregnant, I feel even more compelled to tell people that this baby was not an accident, and she wasn’t easy, and I worked really hard to get her! I found myself at my baby shower talking to five women in the kitchen all about IUI’s, and IVF’s, and frozen embryos, and any other questions they had for me. And it was great. Maybe this will help get the word out. I don’t have a lot of ambition to be an infertility advocate, or anything like that. But if we could all be more open about our own experiences, maybe it could help infertility have less of a stigma than it does already.

And it doesn’t have to be super serious and educational. We were at a happy hour after the shower so the guys could celebrate too, and after a few drinks, someone started taking a bunch of pictures. Somehow the hubs and I got into some weird poses, with him grabbing my belly and I guess it looked a little sexual, and someone yelled out, “That’s how she got that way!” And the hubs said, “Not exactly. I wasn’t really involved at all!” And I said, “No honey, you were involved – you had your nice alone time with the cup!” And everyone laughed. Not sure if it was awkward for those who didn’t know all the details, but I don’t really care. At that moment, I was proud of us for being easy and up-front about our infertility, even if it was in front of 15 or so random friends and a bunch of strangers around us.

The night before we left, I had a two-hour conversation with the hubs’ grandmother. She’s the only grandparent that we have left between the two of us, and she’s amazing. She’s 92 years old, and she still goes to work every day as a bookkeeper. She keeps the books for about 20 different investment companies and trusts, all on green ledger paper and with a pencil. She decided when she turned 80 that she wasn’t going to worry about things like drinking and dieting anymore, so she will definitely have a cocktail or two if given the opportunity! She and I sat there for two hours, she with her glasses of champagne, and me with my water, and I listened to her talk. She told me all about the birth of her first child.

It was 1944, and she and her husband were living in Oklahoma on an army base. She was about to give birth. In fact, she had been told by her doctor to come into the hospital the next day to give birth (not exactly sure why – I think she was supposed to check into the hospital even though she wasn’t yet in labor). Well, her husband told her that his unit just got orders to go to Europe to fight in World War II. She hadn’t been away from her husband prior to this, but they knew that it was probably coming. So the next morning, instead of checking into the hospital to deliver her baby, she packed up her car. She decided she didn’t want to have a baby in Oklahoma where she didn’t know anyone; instead she wanted to be in Ohio where she grew up and where her mother could help her raise the baby. She had a foot locker that held all her clothes, dishes, and other personal items, and a dog. She drove for two days, without going over 40 miles per hour per the war-time restrictions, and using gas stamps, and she made it to Ohio by herself. She didn’t go into labor for another eight days.

When she went into labor, her mother told her to take a cab to the hospital, but when she got into the cab, she discovered it was full with two other passengers. The cab driver told her that he was going to drop off the other passengers first, as they were defense workers, and they were more of a priority than a laboring woman. She finally got to the hospital, and they discovered the baby was breech. She still delivered vaginally, but only after “the doctor took his knife and cut me, all the way to my bowels!” She hadn’t heard of the term “episiotomy” when I said it. She then told me that for the next ten days while she was in the hospital, the doctor would come by, put a sheet over her face, and show all the students “her bottom” with the cut and all the stitches. She was so embarrassed, having to show her “bottom” to strangers. She stayed in the hospital for ten days with her baby girl, and by the time she went home, they were in a good routine.

I loved hearing her stories of giving birth, and raising babies. She is such an amazing woman. I hope she lives for at least a few more years, as I hope that baby Alex will be able to remember her. She can’t drive as her vision isn’t great, and she has a few medical problems, but overall she’s in really good health. We’ve been talking a lot about death lately, as she recently changed the executor of her estate to the hubs, so she wanted to go over all the details and paperwork with both the hubs and me. I’ve only been with the hubs for eight years of my life, but she is such a huge part of my family, and I don’t ever want to see her go. She’s so excited to meet baby Alex, and I can’t wait to see them together. We’ve decided on a middle name for Alex – Louise. This is the hubs grandmother’s middle name, and I can’t think of a better name for my baby girl.

This trip made us long even more for Colorado. We have to get back there – and soon. Right now we have a two-year plan. At the end of the next two years, we will be back in Denver. Our jobs don’t really support this, but there are more important things than jobs. We want to raise our children in Colorado, near our family, and that is much more important than where we work.

Today is my shower!

2011-08-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I am having my first baby shower. I have travelled to Denver for this, and all my Denver family and friends will be there. My mother-in-law and friend have put so much effort into planning and today will be cooking up a storm for this party. I am so grateful for all their hard work, I can hardly put it into words.

I’m amazed I’m here. 28 weeks today, in the third trimester, feeling my little girl kick every day, and having a baby shower. The emotions that well up are overwhelming. The hubs doesn’t understand why it seems I cry every day. I try to hide most of the crying, but when I walk into my friend’s house today and see what they’ve done for the shower, and see people I haven’t seen in a long time coming together to see me and bring a gift for my little girl, I don’t know if I will be able to keep it together.

I cried so much on the phone with my mother yesterday. I really screwed something up. When we’re in town for a long weekend, and we both grew up here and have lots of people that we love here, it’s very hard to fit everyone in. I had made plans to see my mother for lunch yesterday, and it didn’t work out. I won’t go into all of it, but we weren’t able to have lunch yesterday, and she’s not free any time the rest of the time I’m here. As she says, “I have a life too.” She’s coming to the shower this afternoon, but I won’t be able to have any quality time with her at an event like that. I was just so disappointed, as she won’t come to Texas to visit, now or even after baby Alex’s birth, and I rarely get to see her. I should have made sure lunch happened yesterday, and I feel so guilty for this, but I don’t know what to do about it now. I hope she’s nice today at the shower – it could go either way.

Besides the issue with my mother, everything’s been wonderful. We’re staying with the in-laws, and they’ve been so nice. All of our friends have dropped whatever they were doing to spend time with us, and we are getting some very special attention as we’re bringing the first baby of the generation to this crazy group. It’s so sweet, but all the attention gets somewhat overwhelming at times too.

I just can’t believe I’m here. After all the infertility treatments, and the losses, and the sadness and longing that took over my life for a couple years, I’m in my third trimester, and I’m celebrating the pending birth of my little girl with all the people I love in my life. I’m so very lucky, and I remember it daily. I have quite a few friends having fertility struggles of their own, and I wish I could take their pain from them. There are two of those ladies coming to the shower this afternoon, and I sent them each messages telling them if it was too much to come to the shower, I certainly understand, but they are planning on coming. I hope it’s not too painful for them. I don’t understand why some of us have to bear the infertility burden, but I know that having gone through it gives me such an appreciation of what I have, that I don’t know if I would have had without infertility. We were at a bar last night with our friends, and after a few hours of sitting on a bar stool, my back was killing me. I stood up and was leaning over the stool, trying to stretch it out, feeling pretty miserable. But then Alex kicked me, telling me she was still alive and doing well, and somehow the pain in my back seemed tolerable. I can deal with physical pain – it’s nothing like the emotional pain of not having my little girl.

Daycare

2011-08-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

I spent two years trying to have a baby, and now I’m spending time trying to find someone to hire to take care of my baby. I can’t believe I’m doing this, and every time I think of actually leaving my baby girl at a daycare center, I get a little nauseous. But it is what it is. I’m going back to work when Alex is three months old, and there’s no going around it. And I’ve looked into nannies (too expensive, and I don’t know anyone personally that would do it that I would trust, so no) and au pairs (not too expensive, but unless I knew someone personally, I wouldn’t do it) and home day care centers (no – definitely not. Unless I knew someone personally who ran the daycare, I wouldn’t trust someone with a home daycare, I’ve heard way too many awful stories). So we’ve decided that a daycare center is the way to go. It took me a few months to come to this conclusion, and I’m definitely better than how I was awhile ago. About two months ago, I started doing research and saw some videos of a local daycare, and they were showing the fabulous shots of the infant room. All I saw was the row of cribs and I burst into tears, thinking it looks like an orphanage… So I’ve emotionally progressed beyond that point, but it’s still hard.

I finally started calling around to local daycares, and determined that although many places have spots available for February, the spots are limited and are filling up, so we definitely need to make a decision soon! So for the last two weeks, I’ve been touring daycares around my area during my lunch hour. Then I’m supposed to narrow it down to three places, and the hubs and I will take off an afternoon and go check out the three top places. He works an hour away from our home, and my commute is 7 minutes, so I definitely have an advantage for looking at all these places. Plus as he told me yesterday, “You know I don’t really like talking to people, and lots of babies make me nervous!” So for him to agree to go to three daycares is pretty good. When I first started this process, I thought he would want to go to the one that I picked, and that’s it! One nice thing is there’s a woman at work who is due three weeks after me, and she has a four-year old that has gone through daycare, so she has been going with me and asking good questions. Her boy is in a preschool that doesn’t accept infants, and she didn’t love the daycares that she used when he was younger, so she’s also looking. So it’s been nice to have her along for the tours. (Although if I have to hear again how getting pregnant must be in the water at your company or some other bullshit line, I might scream. She got pregnant with her new boyfriend accidentally, while on the pill…)

After going to five daycares, which are the only ones that aren’t too far out of my way (which isn’t saying too much - I really like my 7 minute commute) and take infants, I’ve narrowed it down to three.

Daycare A: Franchise of a national chain.
Cost: $260 per week
Infant room: In room until walking, and then will graduate to higher room. Some daycares have babies all the way up to 12-13 months together, so crawlers/walkers are going all over 6 weekers!
Ratio of teachers to infants: 1 teacher: 4 infants, up to 8 in the room.
Location: best location – on the way to work, no increase in commute.
Curriculum: Nationally set curriculum, teach baby sign language, structured days as kids get older. Most curriculum-based of the three.
Pros: Location; very professional company; curriculum-based education; very efficiently run company, which appeals to me as a business woman, not sure as a mom.
Cons: Smallest infant room (very small); rumors of high turnover of staff, but the infant teacher has been there 1 ½ years, and seems very good; don’t know anyone personally that uses center.

Daycare B: Church daycare.
Cost: $225 per week
Infant room: In room until crawling, and then will graduate to higher room until walking, and then will graduate to walking room.
Ratio of teachers to infants: 1 teacher: 3.5 infants, up to 7 in the room.
Location: good. Adds about 5-10 minutes to commute.
Curriculum: Teacher-set curriculum. For babies, no real curriculum, not very structured days. For older kids, have schedule, but doesn’t seem to be a main focus.
Pros: Not-for-profit, which is a huge decision-maker for the hubs, and I’m not sure (he believes that in not-for-profits, more money goes to the babies as they’re not trying to make money, which I can see his point, but isn’t always true); Church-based, which isn’t a huge deal as we’re not super religious, but I like the idea of kids being taught right from wrong from others outside of parents; Most home-like environment (the infant room reminded me of a big living room as opposed to a school); really liked the teacher, who has been there over five years; have very good recommendations from people I know, including people who have their babies there now.
Cons: Not a big focus on curriculum, so as kids get older may not learn as much as in other preschools; can’t really think of any others.

Daycare C: Only location, for-profit.
Cost: $220 per week
Infant room: In room until crawling, and then will graduate to higher room until walking, and then will graduate to walking room.
Ratio of teachers to infants: 1 teacher: 4 infants, up to 8 in the room.
Location: furthest away. Adds about 20 minutes to commute.
Curriculum: They use a national curriculum that they purchase from a curriculum provider (not sure exactly, but this is my impression). Very structured. Teach baby sign language, and every class has Spanish lessons. Teach some using DVD’s – every classroom has a TV, which is a bit odd – different than any other daycares I toured. But they said the TV is on a program maximum an hour each day, the rest of the time it’s on music only.
Pros: I really liked the director, who seemed very good; it’s small but very structured, which appeals to me as I like the curriculum focus; I know one person who gave a glowing recommendation about this place.
Cons: Location, but that’s probably about it.

This is a hard decision. I think I’m leaning towards Daycare B or C, and it really depends on what things I want to focus on. No, the curriculum isn’t very important for my 3-month old when she first starts daycare, but what about my 3-year old? Won’t I want her to get more of an education at that age? I’m sure Daycare B won’t give her a bad education, but if I’m paying almost $1,000 per month, shouldn’t we get something more out of it than safety and well-being? I don’t know – I’m hoping hubs can help me decide, but he’s completely prejudiced about picking the church-based one, I don’t think he’ll listen to anything else. Do any of you have advice for other things I should be asking? Or things I should be considering other than the items above? This is so hard, and I feel like it’s such a big decision.

And I would really appreciate it if you would not question my decision to go back to work. I’m having a hard enough time with it myself… Thanks!

Viability!

2011-07-25T12:12:00.000-05:00

I surpassed the elusive 24 week mark this weekend, and I can’t believe it. I’ve looked up viability a bit, and this is when the chance of life starts to become greater than 50/50. This is when the NICU docs will fight for my baby to live, because she has a fighting chance. This is when she might be able to come out and live. But I’d rather not. She needs to stay in there for quite a bit longer, keep cooking and growing, for a few more months.

I went to the doctor for a nice boring appointment this morning. My fundal height is right on – 24 cm. Baby Alex’s heartbeat is a nice strong 140, and my blood pressure is 122/78, all good. He approved me to fly to Denver in a few weeks, and gave me a note to carry my shots, so I should be ready to go.

I’ve been reflecting on my pregnancy, and it really has been so easy. Besides the anxiety, which I think I’ve been managing fairly well, everything is good. I don’t feel too awful (besides the minor symptoms), and there have been very little scares after the beginning progesterone and bleeding issues. I’m so very lucky to have made it this far, and I’m just thrilled to be able to carry little Alex around for the next few months. And I really hope this “easy” pregnancy thing continues.

After the doc left my room and I was waiting for the note to be able to fly with shots, I could hear him go into the next room for a patient that was around 24 weeks as well, and everything was fine with her. But then I heard the ultrasound tech tell a nurse in the hallway, “I have a 10-weeker with no fetal heartbeat. Need the doc.” And they all just waited until he was done with the patient, and grabbed the doc to go help the 10-weeker with no fetal heartbeat. That poor woman, sitting in that ultrasound room, waiting for the doctor to come and confirm her baby has no heartbeat, and talk about what to do next. I remember that wait, sitting in the ultrasound room crying and hoping for some miracle, something the doctor would be able to see when the tech couldn’t. I closed my eyes, and wished for that miracle for that unseen patient, or at the very least, some peace. I was thankful though that she was going to have the talk with my doc, he was really good with me when it was my time, and he was great at the D&C.

I made it out of the office after paying and making my next appointment, but when I got to my car, I burst into tears. I cried for that women whose heart is breaking, I cried for my baby that I lost last year in the same way, and I cried with joy that my Alex is alive, and her heart is still beating. I’m so very lucky to be 24 weeks pregnant, and although I didn’t necessarily need a reminder, I certainly got one today.

Budgeting

2011-07-22T08:36:00.002-05:00

First, I wanted to say thank you to everyone for their amazing comments on my last post about my body, weight and self-image. I never talk about my weight, especially the specifics, to anyone – not even the hubs – and I felt very vulnerable putting it all out there for everyone to see and comment on, as this was very out of character for me. But everyone was so nice, and it was interesting to see how many people have had similar experiences as I have. Once again, this community has shown me how accepting and wonderful everyone is!

So now I’m bringing another topic up that I normally don’t talk with others about: personal finance. I’m ashamed to admit that this is not my forte, and both my husband and I are terrible at it – and we’re accountants! We can handle the finances of multi-million dollar companies, but not our own. Those who can’t do teach, right? Now our personal situation isn’t awful – we don’t have huge debt, and we have some savings, but the overriding theme is we spend way too much. We have both worked very hard at school, and then our careers, so we both have good, well-paying jobs, but that means we have more money to spend. I know, I sound ridiculous talking about this. We’ve never really budgeted ourselves. We pay our bills, we put some money in savings, but really only the stuff we’ve pre-designated, and the rest it seems we spend, without any thought. There were months when we would tell ourselves to cut back, especially when we were going through fertility treatments, and especially before our new insurance became effective which covered most of the treatments, but we never budgeted. This year I finally started tracking our spending, and which categories we have spent on, but we never controlled ourselves, and it’s obscene! We’d talk every once in awhile about it, lament about how awful we were, and just go back to it. I’d suggest something, then he would suggest something, but we’d never really budget anything.

But we have some things changing in our lives. There’s a baby coming. And although I plan to go back to work after having little Alex, I know there will be big expenses. And more than anything I want to feel like we’re not spending everything we have, and I want to build up some more savings. I’m feeling nervous about not having a large accessible savings. Yes, we have decent 401(k)’s, and some other investments, and equity in our house, so we’re doing better than most, but I want to have money sitting there – just in case! And I don’t feel like it’s there and ready for an emergency, which makes me feel insecure. We’re about to start spending around $1,000 per month on daycare (wow!), and we’re about to buy a new car (whole other post, but we’re seriously considering a minivan – never thought I would do this, but even with one baby, it makes a lot of sense for a baby and 2 dogs that combined weigh 210 pounds). And I have a not-so-secret dream of going part-time with my job. Hubs has definitely not agreed to that, and it would be hard financially, especially considering I make more than hubs, but it might be possible. Maybe after Baby #2…

So all this led to some serious conversations about spending. I finally proposed an idea, which hubs agreed to, that may change all this. Starting a week ago, we each have a certain amount of cash that has to last us one month. This cash covers all meals, groceries, gas, clothes, everything that we individually spend. I get a little more cash because I buy all the groceries, but if we can stick to these cash amounts, we will save SO MUCH MONEY! We’ll probably spend about a third of what we were spending before, excluding the fixed costs like mortgage and insurance.

I’m really excited about this cash project of ours. So far, it’s going great. I’ve started clipping coupons, and planning meals using items that are in the freezer and pantry, and the like. But I wanted to see if y’all have any good ideas. Where do you find your coupons, for those that use them? I got a Sunday paper last week, and there were no coupons! WTF? Turns out they are in the Wednesday paper in Houston, or maybe Thursday, online discussions disagree… That was $2 wasted. I’ve started to find some websites, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. And what else are your save-money suggestions? So far I think I’m doing a great job with money-spending, or rather saving, but it will be interesting to see how this goes after the initial excitement wears off. It’s only been a week…

Also I’d love to hear how your family budgets, and anything you have found works well. It’s amazing, I’m 36 years old and I’m finally trying to grow up and be more responsible…

Making up with my body

2011-07-15T11:52:00.004-05:00

I’ve never really liked my body. From being teased at about 11 years old for my gorilla legs (my mother wouldn’t let me shave), to being teased for not having breasts (I developed a little late, but the real issue is I was younger than everyone in my class, as I skipped a grade and had a June birthday), to hating my fat thighs and arms, which started around 11 as well, it has always been a battle. I look back at pictures of myself in high school, when I thought I was fat, and I want to shake that girl – she looked great! I graduated high school at 5’4’’, and weighed 120 pounds. I wanted to lose weight.

In college and grad school, I gained and lost some weight, but it wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t happy with my weight, and wanted to lose, but never seemed to be able to do that. I remember telling my grad school roommate that at least I was stable, and I didn’t think I would ever gain any more. I was 130 pounds.

When I started working, I worked in a public accounting firm, and would work up to 80 hours a week. In public accounting, the joke was that in the same week, we would eat a 5-course meal at a fancy restaurant and a meal from a vending machine, and this was very true. We went out to eat all the time, and brought in meals when working late. I had no time for exercise, and didn’t take care of myself. And getting married and divorced, and having serious depression did not help. About six years after starting work, I was up to 170 pounds. I went on Weight Watchers, lost about 15 pounds, started dating the hubs, and quit public accounting. We were both at our skinniest in awhile when we started dating. But then we started going out to restaurants, and we’re awful influences on each other. We both gained a bunch of weight, and I got up to about 175. Then we got engaged, and both working on being healthier.

For our wedding in 2009, I got down to 160. I would have loved to be skinnier, but I think I looked good. With a good pair of Spanx, I had a flat belly. And even the hubs wore a tank top that held him in a bit at the wedding! We got ready together, and we laughed as both of us struggled to get into our undergarments – we were meant for each other! I had been tanning, so my skin glowed. I felt very pretty, and comfortable in my own skin. But on the honeymoon, I threw away the diet pills that I had been taking, and said I didn’t want to take those anymore. Hubs teased me that I was a stereotype: throwing away the diet pills while pulling out the prenatal vitamins.

Over the next two years, as we tried to have a baby, and did fertility treatments, and got pregnant, and had an ectopic, and then got pregnant, and then miscarried at 8.5 weeks, my weight increased and fluctuated quite a bit. My heaviest was 185 pounds, which was shortly after the D&C. I was disgusted with myself, so I started a “Couch to 5K” program, and promptly sprained my ankle. I hated my body. Not only for the weight, but even more because my body killed my baby. And was completely broken. I felt the worst about myself that I ever have last summer after the miscarriage. I couldn’t get pregnant, and when I did, my body killed the baby, I was fat, and I couldn’t even exercise because of the sprained ankle.

Throughout my life, I have always hated my body. I would feel fat, and unhappy with myself. I hated shopping for clothes, hating how everything looked on me, and waiting until I lost weight to buy clothes, which never seemed to happen. And all this was made worse by my infertility.

I always wanted to become pregnant at a low weight, as I wanted to be one of those cute skinny women with the bowling ball bellies. Skinny arms, skinny legs, big beautiful belly. I am definitely not that woman. But as my belly increases, I’m starting to like my body again. Yes, I have big thighs, big arms, chubby face, etc., but I also have this big beautiful belly that is housing my baby. And my body is nourishing and growing my baby girl, and everything is on track. I am one of the very lucky ones whose skin looks better while pregnant. After about 10 weeks, I have had very minimal blemishes, I don’t have any stretch marks (yet) or linea nigra (yet – I know these can come), and everything is looking good so far! Every morning I lather on some oil over my growing belly, and I love the way it looks, even while naked! (Except for the Lovenox bruises – those are never pretty.) Everything looks so bizarre and funny, and my eyes go to my belly and breasts, instead of the rest of my body. My breasts are big with protruding veins and my nipples look weird, but I know all this is in preparation to feed my baby girl, and I’m so excited that I get to continue to provide nourishment to her even after she’s born. (I hope this goes well!!!)

I’ve received some not-so-lovely comments from people, from my friend telling me I’m really big for 5 months, and it’s going to get a lot worse, to a couple people telling me I’m growing across and they can tell my hips have spread, even from behind! And the hubs doesn’t help – I put something on the other day and asked if it looked ok, and he shrugged his shoulders. I then said I feel like a huge pregnant woman, and he agreed, saying "well that's what you are!" I haven’t seen my mom yet during this pregnancy, but she just told me all about some woman at her gym who was farther along than me and was barely showing at all! So I probably shouldn’t be showing much, right?

But for some reason, for the first time in my life, I don’t care what people are saying. And yes, I still feel fat, but more than that I feel pregnant. And I like that. My body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do, and I love it. When I look in the mirror, I see my belly, and I’m happy to look like a pregnant woman. I started this pregnancy at 178.4 pounds, and this morning on the scale I was 187.4, so I’ve gained 9 pounds at 23 weeks. Yes, it might be a little much for someone who started out with a BMI classification of “Obese” (but just barely!), but I’m fine with it. My weight gain is not out of control, and it’s been steady after an initial weight loss of a few pounds due to morning sickness, and my doc does not seem concerned. I’m reading a book called Big, Beautiful and Pregnant: Expert Advice and Comforting Wisdom for the Expecting Plus-Size Woman, and I like it. There’s nothing ground-breaking in there, but I like the emphasis on being healthy and enjoying your body, rather than being super restrictive and mean, like a lot of the normal books are regarding bigger pregnant women. And I really like the advice on embracing your body with maternity clothes, and the stories from women who finally like their body.

That’s how I feel – for the first time in my life, I’m feeling good about myself and my body. Sure, it would be nice to be skinnier, but right now, I’m happy with my size. I love my belly and my breasts, and all that it means. I guess I’m feeling very confident considering I’m sharing all the weight details on my blog! And I wanted to write this down so later in my pregnancy, when I’m feeling huge (because let’s face it, the time will come), I could re-read this and remind myself to love my body for what it’s doing – it’s making a baby!!! So in honor of my new good feelings about myself, today I took my first pregnancy photos, and I’m sharing them with you. Check out Jackson in the background…

I Cheated!

2011-07-14T13:12:00.001-05:00

I’ve been so good in this pregnancy, watching everything that goes into my mouth. I haven’t had any raw fish (I miss you sushi!), or soft cheeses, and no caffeine, well almost no caffeine… Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t had one drop of caffeine, which I miss terribly. Prior to TTC, I loved getting up in the morning and making myself a cup of coffee, and enjoying it over the news, which I would do every day. Then later at work, I would often get a small latte in the mid-morning. While TTC, I would stop for awhile, go to decaf for awhile, cycle back and forth, never really giving it up. I finally gave it up completely in November last year, preparing for my first IVF cycle. When my IVF failed, I had a couple cups of coffee for a few days, but I quickly abstained, knowing the FET cycle would be coming, and I didn’t want to get addicted again.

So I haven’t had any coffee – ALL YEAR!!! Up until a few weeks ago… I’m sure you all remember how I went to the doc for a 20 week ultrasound, and they couldn’t tell if my baby was a boy or a girl. Well the doc told me to drink some caffeine before I came in for the next ultrasound so the baby would be up and moving around. I was so excited. It almost seemed worth it – I didn’t know the sex of my baby, but I got coffee! And a few days later when I counted down the minutes until I went and got that mini-latte, I definitely thought it was worth it. I was pretty excited about finding out the sex, but I also got a latte! Oh wow – what a great day!

But just like any good addict, one taste, and that’s all I can think about. Since that doctor-recommended latte, I catch myself thinking back to that time when I felt so good drinking it. It’s not only the flavor (which of course is fabulous), but it’s the feeling that everything is so right with the world! Most days I’m pretty tired throughout the day, and I’m functioning, but with coffee I’m SO MUCH BETTER! But I held off, telling myself that I shouldn’t drink any. Granted, my doc said I can have two cups each day, but I’m better than that, right? I don’t need silly crutches like caffeine – I’m a good pregnant woman – no coffee necessary! Or at least that’s what I told myself until yesterday…

Monday night I was up late, as hubs got home late and we stayed up talking. So I was tired on Tuesday, but I was fine, I’m used to being tired. Tuesday night we spent four hours in the ER, waiting for the hubs to be seen, and finally giving up at 11:00. (Long story short: he has a huge welt on his arm, he went to his work clinic during the day, who told him it is a brown recluse spider bite, and he needed to go to ER that night, apparently the ER disagreed since they wouldn’t see him, but wouldn't tell us that, they just kept us waiting until we gave up. Then he went to another clinic during the day yesterday, and they think it’s a MSRA staph infection, not a spider bite. They sent a sample away for testing, so we’re not sure what it is, but either way it could be very bad if left untreated, but he’s on some serious antibiotics and ointment, and I’m hoping it’s not a contagious staph infection…) So anyway, back to me – I was tired. So very tired yesterday afternoon at work, I could barely keep my eyes open. And I was about to have to lead a meeting, which does not allow napping for some reason. And so I did it, I went and got a latte.

And it was wonderful. Throughout the meeting, I sipped on my latte. I was planning on drinking only half of my small cup, but somehow all of it disappeared. I could feel Lil’ Alex waking up, and she was kicking like crazy, which was fun. And my brain was clicking like it never does! I started talking faster, and thinking faster, and everything was fantastic! I was happy, and it spread throughout the rest of my day. I got a bunch of work done in the hour remaining after the meeting, ran a few errands, then went to my therapist appointment and talked about my mom without crying or anything! Then I called my mom and told her what I had practiced with my therapist (“You have an open invitation to come visit, I’d really like you to come, but I’m not going to ask anymore, so please let me know when you’re ready to come visit.”) and went home. I cleaned up a little, and then worked on a new cross-stitch project (can’t believe I started another one, especially with Alex coming, but I missed doing it!), and stayed up WAY TOO LATE! I forced myself to go to bed at 10, but read a book until about 11 when the hubs came home. Then I got up and talked to him for awhile. I finally got to sleep around 12:30, and didn’t sleep well at all. And now, I’m exhausted…

Moral of the story is don’t drink caffeine in the afternoon. Or really ever, as it obviously does a number on me as my tolerance is so low now. But I can’t wait until I get to go back to my little habit – it will be wonderful!!! But when? I probably shouldn’t while breastfeeding, which I plan to do for a year, and then I’ll be weaning right when I will probably want to start TTC again. Ugh – when do I get coffee??? Yes, my name is Alex (kinda), and I'm an addict…

My IF Craft Project – Finished!!!

2011-07-07T09:49:00.002-05:00

In November 2009, I made my first appointment with an RE. We had tried to get pregnant for almost a year, and it wasn’t going well. I had tried for a year with my ex in my 20’s, and that didn’t go well either. And so I was sick of the waiting, the longing, the constant thoughts that go through my mind. At the time, my hubs had a very stressful job, one that would often keep him at work until midnight or later. So I had many evenings by myself, with nothing to do but stress. I expected to go to the RE, magically get fixed since that’s what docs do, and have a baby soon! Oh how naïve I was… But I knew I needed to figure out something to do while waiting for my baby.

I scanned the internet, looking for a cross-stitch project which I could love. I really enjoy doing cross-stitch, but most of the designs out there are very country-looking, or kitschy. I wanted something that I could proudly hang in my house and would look a little more contemporary to fit with the rest of the house. I looked up modern cross stitch, and found gecko rouge. If you’re ever looking for a modern cross stitch pattern, take a look at gecko rouge – they have a shop on etsy with lots of great designs.

The whole thing, with the pattern, fabric and thread, cost less than $30, but I have spent countless hours on this project. It is 14 inches square, and made up of 40,000 stitches. Most nights since November 2009, I’ve worked on this project. It made the time go by quicker. So many nights, I would be counting the days until the next treatment, until the next shot, until the beta, until the whatever… And this cross stitch project would get me through. There were months when I wouldn’t touch it – after the miscarriages, during the hopeless times, somehow I couldn’t bear to work on the project. But when I got back in the TTC saddle, and started treatments again, somehow I would be drawn to this project.

I didn’t know where I was going to hang it, as there is absolutely no pink in my house, but I figured I would remodel a bathroom or a guest room all around this project, once I got it framed. But now, I’m having my little Alex, and I think it will go great in her room. I spent countless hours working on this project, waiting for her to arrive, so now it will be a perfect addition to her room. Here it is:

And a close-up of the stitches:

Confession

2011-07-01T13:57:00.001-05:00

I have a confession. My name is not Alex. Well, at least not to most people in my life, who call me by my first name. My middle name is Alexandra, and I’ve always wanted to be known as Alex. When I was six years old, I told everyone in my life to now call me Alex. They never did. After awhile, I was resigned to the fact that nobody would call me anything but my first name – after all, you can’t change your own name! But a few years later I figured out that I could control someone’s name – if I ever had a girl, I would name her Alex. When I had a “Flour Baby” (bag of flour dressed up as a baby) in high school for Religion class (went to Catholic boarding school – whole other story…), I named her Alexandra and called her Alex. And every guy I’ve ever dated, if it ever got serious, I made it very clear that my first daughter would be named Alex. But honestly, it never occurred to me that I would have a daughter! I don’t know why, but I always thought I would have boys. But this little girl surprised me, so now I’m finally having my Alex.

Over a year ago, when I created this blog, I wanted to be able to write anonymously. So I picked a name that I’ve always wanted for myself: Alex. And being the completely uncreative type that I am, I chose a generic title: Alex’s Adventures. I figured I would be one of the lucky ones (it took me longer than I thought, but I still ended up one of the lucky ones!). I’d start an infertility blog to talk about my struggles, and very quickly get pregnant! So I wanted a generic type of blog name, so I could talk about my life after infertility too. Well, it’s taken awhile, but I’m fully in my pregnancy (21 weeks tomorrow!), which is fabulous. I don’t think I’ll ever move past infertility – the other day someone tried to tell me I was no longer infertile, and I quickly corrected them… But I’m excited to talk about my new baby girl Alex, and other things in my life.

So it may get complicated, because in this blogland I love so much, I’m keeping my name, and I’m adding a new character: Baby Alex, or Lil’ Alex, or whatever you want to call her, as long as it’s nice! Yes, it may be a little complicated, but I think we can figure it out – y’all are smart! Now if we could only figure out a middle name – anyone have a good suggestion for a short (preferably one syllable) middle name that goes with Alexandra?

Girl!!!

2011-06-27T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to see the doc, but the main event has already happened: I had an ultrasound, and the baby finally opened her legs, and showed those unmistakable 3 lines: girl!!! I can't believe it - this makes it seem so very real.

I can't believe I'm going to be the mother to a little girl. To say that I'm nervous about my capabilities to raise a girl is an understatement. I know I shouldn't be nervous, but having a girl brings up so many different emotions and memories about my childhood that I don't think would happen if I found out our baby is a boy. Oh well, I guess that's what therapy is for... What do you think I'll be talking about with my counselor in the upcoming weeks? :)

Please don't misinterpret my anxiety with disappointment. I've always wanted a little girl. From the clothes and all the girly stuff, to watching the hubs be a father to a girl (I know he'll be great!), to raising a girl to be strong and independent, I'm thrilled! I can't wait to meet her, this little girl of mine!!!

In the meantime, I wish the doc would hurry up so I can get out of here and into the mall! I haven't bought anything yet - it's time to start shopping!

Now is NOT the time for modesty!

2011-06-24T11:24:00.001-05:00

I went to the doctor this morning, very excited about the ultrasound. I was so excited to find out if my baby is a boy or girl! BUT… Baby had other plans. The legs were closed the entire time, so the tech couldn’t see anything. Also, the baby’s butt was under my belly button, so there were lots of shadows, and she couldn’t get to the right angle. I was disappointed, but very happy to see that all the measurements and everything look great. The doctor said Baby’s measuring at about 35/100 on the range of babies. I said, so it’s small? But no, it’s just fine, just right in the middle. Finally later the hubs said it’s within one standard deviation of the mean. Which makes sense to me! Why don’t they explain it that way?

I think the doc and the ultrasound tech made up some stuff that they weren’t able to see on today’s ultrasound, so I “have” to come back in to complete the anatomy scan. I was thrilled to find out I get another ultrasound on Monday. The doc said his wife would kill him if she found out he made someone wait another four weeks or more to find out the sex! Love that!

I really wanted to go buy something for the baby this weekend (nothing yet!) and start the registry, but I guess it will have to wait until next week. Oh well, the only thing that matters is the baby is healthy, and measuring right on track! And we're halfway done - 20 weeks tomorrow!!!

Movement!

2011-06-20T12:17:00.001-05:00

I have to admit, this is so amazingly cool. About a week ago, at about 18 weeks, I started feeling something in my lower belly, but I figured it was gas. Sometime last week I was in the middle of a meeting, and I felt a distinct movement – nothing that felt like gas, or cramps, or anything. And then it is getting more and more pronounced, each and every day. I can’t believe it – I actually have something growing inside me! The movement is still very sporadic, but oh so distracting. How am I supposed to get anything done over the next few months? All I want to do is stop and focus on feeling my baby move.

And what kind of freak feels movement in her belly and still grabs the Doppler to make sure there’s a heartbeat? I think I didn’t want to feel like a fool when I’ve been telling the hubs about movement, and then it turns out the baby is no longer alive. I keep telling the hubs I feel movement, and he scoffs and tells me it’s probably gas – he’s definitely living up to the stereotype of men during this pregnancy – I don’t think it will seem real for him until he holds the baby. Can’t wait until we see the baby on Friday – it’s been so long since the ultrasound, and we get to find out the sex!

A good friend at work asked me last week how the baby is doing. How are you supposed to answer that? I responded with what I was thinking: “Still here, I think!” He called me creepy… I think that will be the last time he asks me how the baby is doing…

Other than the awkward responses to people, I’m doing just fine. I’m very excited to find out the sex, as I think it will help make it more real when we start calling the baby by its name, and although I won’t truly believe it until there is a baby in my arms, I think there may actually be a child at the end of this road. I’ve stopped reading most of my pregnancy books – there’s not a lot I can do right now about the pregnancy except keep myself healthy. But I can learn about how to take care of a baby, of which I know very little. So I’m reading about things like breastfeeding and sleeping and such. People keep telling me my life will change so much after the baby is born, trying to warn me. I always respond, “I know – I can’t wait!” At least I’m positive with that response…

I Just Don’t Get It

2011-06-17T14:04:00.001-05:00

I don’t understand my mother – I never have. I know I should know better, but every once in awhile I forget that I can’t rely on my mother, and it always seems to surprise me. We’ve always struggled with our relationship, but things have been better lately. She’s been very nice on the phone, and she’s been sweet in the last year or so, supporting me through my fertility treatments and losses. But it only goes so far.

About two months ago I asked her to come visit me for a weekend (she lives in Denver). She said she was going on a two-week trip in May, and she would visit me after that. OK, fine. I talked with her two weeks ago when she returned from her trip, and asked her when she was going to visit me. She was vague, “Oh, I’m just so busy. I don’t know when I can.” So I told her to check her calendar and let me know. Mind you, she doesn’t work, she has a husband who works part-time, but her schedule consists of things like taking long walks, knitting and a little charity work – she just told me she’s a model in some charity fashion shows. I talked with her last night, and asked her again when she was coming to visit. This time I told her a project that I wanted help with – recovering the seat cover of a cedar chest that I want to put in the nursery. She gave me the chest years ago, and she has recovered it before, and she acted interested in it when I discussed it last night. When I mentioned a specific purpose and project I wanted to work on with her, she finally sounded interested, but would not commit to a date. She’s done this so many times: “I’d love to come visit you, but I just don’t know when!” I’ve lived in Houston for over three years, and she has never visited…

But then I asked her the big question, only because it came up. She asked me about working after the baby comes (yes, unfortunately), and maternity leave (12 weeks, but the last 3 weeks I’ll work part-time from home), and if the hubs was taking time off. I told Mom that he was taking one week off at birth, and then taking two weeks off when I had to go back to work. We’re planning on using daycare, but I’m somewhat stressed about it. I haven’t visited any yet as they don’t have huge waiting lists around here and I have only looked at websites, but even looking at pictures of the infant rooms on websites gave me a pit in my stomach. I know that the transition back to work will be difficult for me. So ideally I’d like to have four weeks with me at work without the baby at daycare: 2 weeks with the hubs, 1 week with my mom, and 1 week with my mother-in-law. I haven’t asked my MIL yet, but I know she’ll say yes, actually she would probably come for two weeks if we asked her, and she has a full-time job! And I assumed my mom would say yes – who wouldn’t say yes to taking care of their grandchild?

Since Mom asked me about maternity leave and the hubs taking time off from work, I told her what I would like and explained that I’m worried about how hard it will be to leave my child in daycare, and I asked her if she would come here for a week and take care of the baby to help with the transition. She laughed – loud, and for awhile. I told her that I knew that it was a lot to ask, and she can say no, but please think about it and let me know, because I would really appreciate it if she could help me. Then she said that she thinks that she’s going on a cruise around that time, maybe two cruises! I said, “Really, when is your cruise?” She replied that she wasn’t sure, it was sometime around November or December. I said, “Oh, well that’s good, because I’m talking about the end of January or early February.” And she stumbled for a bit, talked about planning on going to Utah to ski in January, so I let her off the hook and asked her to think about it. But I think I got my answer – she has no interest in coming here for a week to help me, or even for a weekend before the baby is here. She wants to continue our nice superficial relationship, but anytime I ask her to do something truly inconvenient, she won’t do it.

The worst part is she has said in the past that she wants to help me, and come to visit and help. She got upset because she found out my MIL came here (from Denver) to help us paint the house, and then another time my MIL came here to take me to my hysteroscopy appointment because my hubs couldn’t do it. She very pointedly said that she didn’t understand why I asked my MIL to come here for the appointment instead of her, and I blamed it on the hubs. But the real answer is I can’t rely on my mom. The hubs called his mom with about 3 days notice, asking her to take off work and fly here, and she didn’t hesitate at all – of course she would come, and this is why we asked her. But now, I’m asking my mom with seven months notice to come here for a week and take care of her grandchild when I go back to work, and it’s too much to ask. I just don’t get it.

One Year Ago

2011-06-15T11:21:00.000-05:00

I woke up today, so tired. But somewhere in my fog, things started to change in the shower. As I was leaning over for my daily hot water massage on my lower back and stretch (backaches this early – ugh!), I started thinking about how lucky I am. The last few days, I’ve been more tired than normal, and the backaches are getting worse and worse, and I’ve been getting a little grumpy. But today I realized that it’s all so worth it – thank goodness I get the opportunity to have a sore back.

The last few weeks have seen some really low lows in the IF blogworld – losses beyond imagination. And some very high highs – births, and BFPs. Wonderful news. Also, in my personal life, my BFF found out last week that her second IVF resulted in a BFN, and now she won’t return my phone calls. I know she just needs time, but it’s still hard knowing she is hurting, and she won’t talk to me. All this makes me think about how many different paths there are, and how hard we are all trying to build our families, and some of us make it, and some of us don’t. I don’t know why some of us get our babies, and for some reason some of us never get a chance, or keep losing our babies. All I know is I’m so very grateful to have this chance. Yes, I fought really hard for this baby, and I continue to fight, but I know how fleeting this happiness can be. And I know how lucky I am to have this baby inside me. I’m starting the golden time of pregnancy – the small little flutters are starting in my lower belly (I think it’s movement – can’t really tell for sure), and I have an ultrasound where we will be able to find out the sex of the baby next week – I can’t wait! And suddenly today I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, happiness and peacefulness about my baby.

And then I got to work, and looked at the date: June 15. One year after going into the doctor at 8 ½ weeks, blissfully pregnant, excited to show my husband the heartbeat. And then realizing that there was no longer a heartbeat. I think back to that date, one year ago, and it seems like a lifetime has passed. What a long year it has been. I miss that little guy – so very much. But if I had that baby, I wouldn’t have the baby that is in my belly today. It’s so hard to think of one without the other. I’m not a big believer in “things happen for a reason.” This phrase would upset me to no end when people would tell me that after my ectopic last year, and then especially after my little one’s heartbeat stopped. I think it fed into my fear about not being able to have kids because I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. But today, I really wish I didn’t have to go through what I did last year, and I really wish we had that baby we lost, but I feel like a different person today after going through it all. I believe that all the heartache, all the tears I shed, it all shaped me into the woman I am today. One that is so incredibly grateful for the baby I currently hold inside me today.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2011-06-07T15:16:00.002-05:00

I’ve been good. I’ve been positive, planning for the future, expecting the baby to come, not obsessing, not reading the loss stories on the internet, expecting my baby to come. Sure, I may use the Doppler occasionally, but I’ll only do it if I have time to deal with the bad consequences. Is it weird that I won’t do it in the morning before I go to work, or if I have something planned that day? Sure, I always have a plan when going to appointments – who to call, where I’ll go, what to do – if the appointment is bad. I know this sounds morbid, but overall I’ve been positive, really!

Last week I went into the doc for some blood work – the second part of the screening, I think it’s called the integrated screening. The first part came back at around 12 weeks, and it was great. I have very low risk for 3 trisomy issues, including Downs. I almost forgot about this second part, but it’s amazing how quickly I can get scared. Someone was in my office this morning talking about something important, and my cell phone rang. I immediately turned it off, and it wasn’t until I turned it off that I realized the call was from my doctor. I continued to talk to the person in my office for another 10 minutes, and I could barely pay attention. He kept asking me questions, and I think I answered, but I was in a complete terror. What if this is how I find out that there’s something wrong? As soon as the person left my office, I checked my voice mail and there was a message from the nurse to call her. She didn’t sound upset, but maybe she always sounds like that! I called her back, and of course got her voice mail. For the next two hours, I didn’t go anywhere without my cell, wondering what the results would be.

The results were fine. They screened for open neural tube defects, and for women over 35, the chance is 1:300. Based on all my blood work, I have a 1:2,886 chance, so this is great. There was no reason to worry, and everything is fine. What a relief! But why do I immediately jump to the conclusion that something must be wrong with my baby? There are no indications that anything could be wrong. I’ve had a relatively good pregnancy so far – some symptoms, a little spotting but not much, a subchorionic hematoma that went away, but nothing huge. I have absolutely NO reason to think that anything will go wrong! And yet… I worry. I know this is normal, that most pregnant women do this, and those of us that are infertile and have losses in our past are even worse. That all of the research that I’ve done over the last few years only increases my worry, as I know all the things that can go wrong. But I wish I could simply relax and not worry. I don’t know that I ever will. From now on, even after the baby is born (healthy!!! Please!), I will worry, and I have to simply get used to this way of life. But it’s hard, it’s so very hard, when I discover that all I’m doing is waiting for something to go wrong.

It's My Birthday!

2011-06-03T11:59:00.007-05:00

It's my birthday - today I turn 36 years old. And it sounds old, doesn't it? Oh well, it's just a number. But it sounds so...adult! Overall, I'm fine with my birthday, and turning 36 - it's just another number, but it's my last year in my mid-30's... It makes me think though, would I be reacting differently if I wasn't pregnant? And the answer is definitely yes.

So I'm incredibly grateful to be pregnant - 17 weeks today - on my birthday. We're having a relaxing time, slept in, went to lunch, and then we'll go out to dinner with some friends. Hopefully my last kid-free birthday in a very long time!

Thanks, and OB Appointment

2011-05-26T12:47:00.002-05:00

First, I want to thank you all so very much for the comments I received on my letter to my birth parents. It was so hard to write, and even hard to read (I cry every time). And I debated putting it on my blog. But I’ve always tried to be super honest here, and this strange little public place I call my blog has become so safe to me – because of you guys that read my words. I put this letter out there, and I was so vulnerable, not knowing what the response would be. But y’all gave me so much love and support, I can’t thank you enough. I read the letter out loud to my therapist, which was so hard. Through my sobs, I finally got it out. And I felt relief after doing this. I still don’t know what to do with my relationship with my birth parents. I’ll probably keep the one that I have with my birth mother the same – Christmas cards and pictures, although I hope to do more pictures of my little one brewing inside me. But I would like to reconnect with my birth father. Perhaps sometime this summer I can muster up the courage to call him and start talking again. We’ll see… But in the meantime, I’m so happy to have all of you in my life, standing beside me as I work through all these things in my life. Thank you.

I had an OB check-up today. It was my first visit without an ultrasound, and it definitely wasn’t as cool. He did the Doppler, and the little one is still alive and has a heartbeat – 145 today. Although I could have told you that – the Doppler at home told me so! I told someone at work that I was having an appointment, and he asked me how it went. I think he was a little surprised when I responded happily, “The baby is still alive!” I forget that other people, normal people, just assume that the baby keeps living. But when you have gone to an appointment and the doc tells you that your baby is no longer living, it’s no longer a given, is it? Even if the Doppler at home picked up the heartbeat, it makes a world of difference for me to have a doctor tell me it’s true.

I asked the OB about traveling in August. We would like to go visit family and friends in Denver, and people keep asking about having a shower for me there. I can’t go any earlier than August for work reasons, so I asked the doc. Originally we had planned on driving there, as I have a bit of a fear of flying while pregnant. I didn’t before, but in my last pregnancy, one week my baby was alive, and the next he wasn’t. During that week, I took a flight for a wedding. I know in my head that flying had nothing to do with my baby dying, but I may not always be the most rational, especially when it comes to being pregnant. So I asked the doc what he preferred me to do: fly for 2 ½ hours, drive 18 hours, or stay home. He said I should definitely fly, and it will be fine then. I’ll be right at the beginning of my 3rd trimester, and he said there’s no reason why I shouldn’t fly. I should get up at least once during the flight, but it should be easy. He said that driving isn’t contra-indicated, but he will tell me to stop every 1 ½ hours and walk around for at least 15 minutes. Which would make a trip super long. And he said I’ll be very uncomfortable. So we’re following his advice and booking a flight to Denver. But I’m still scared to get on a plane. Hopefully I’ll get over my fear by then.

My next appointment isn’t for another four weeks. I haven’t yet gone two weeks without an appointment, so I’ve been very lucky, but there’s no reason for an appointment any sooner – everything is going very well. The best news is my next appointment is the anatomy scan – we get to find out the sex of the baby!!! On a side note, did you hear about the family in Canada who is raising their child to be gender neutral? Nobody outside the family and the midwives that delivered the baby knows the sex. Interesting idea, but I think it’s a little too weird!

Two Years Ago

2011-05-25T14:07:00.009-05:00

Two years ago, I married the hubs. It was our dream wedding. We had 45 of our family and friends go to The Bahamas with us to celebrate. Here is the wedding ceremony:

After the wedding:

Here is our cake. We had gone to Sweden the year before, visited the hubs' family, and I fell in love with these Dala horses:

We hired an amazing band, and we danced all night. It rained during the reception (note the hubs' wet and rolled up pants), but we didn't let silly rain interrupt our plans - it didn't rain at all during the ceremony:

I wish we were back in The Bahamas, but we have plans to return with some of our guests for our 5-year anniversary. I had such a good time that day, we did exactly what we wanted to do, and we had the best wedding I have ever been to! But none of the stuff like the flowers and the chairs and the band really mattered - all I wanted to do was marry the hubs, and that was the best part.

Letter to My Birth Parents

2011-05-18T10:12:00.002-05:00

My therapist gave me homework, and I usually don’t do my homework. Just like when I was in school, it always seems like I have something better to do. But I have a lot of anxiety about being a parent given all my history, so we’re trying to work through some stuff, so I thought I should do this. She asked me to write a letter to my birth parents, focusing on my feelings and explaining them. I don’t have to send it, and I probably won’t, actually I know I won’t, but here it is. I’m going to read her my letter tonight, and we’ll talk about it – wish me luck. As a bit of a background, I wasn’t adopted until four years old, bounced between my birth mother and foster homes for the first four years, birth father was involved – both were alcoholics and drug addicts. I have been trying to establish a relationship with my birth father for awhile, but I asked to stop talking in December during my first IVF cycle. I don’t talk with my birth mother except for exchanging Christmas cards.

Dear T (birth father) and M (birth mother),

I guess I should have started out by saying thank you. I know you both care about me a lot, and you did what you thought was best by giving me up for adoption. You also could have chosen to not have me at all, so I thank you for my life. Unlike a lot of adoptees, I know for a fact that you truly wanted me. You tried to keep me, and you tried for a long time. Also, you have both been very respectful of my feelings in our interactions as an adult, and I thank you for that. I have so many feelings about you both, and this is my attempt to explain myself.

I’m angry at both of you. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have figured out how to be sober earlier. Both of you got your lives together eventually, why couldn’t you try to be sober and able to take care of a child when you actually had a child? M, I think based on my calculations, that you got sober around the time you were pregnant with your second child, my younger sister. Why was she worth getting sober and I wasn’t? I’m also angry that I never have met my sister – I would have liked having a sister, I always wanted one.

I’m also angry that you didn’t give me up for adoption earlier. I read these studies about so many things developing early in a child’s life, and I think about being homeless and hungry, and going to 18 foster homes prior to adoption, and all the stuff I don’t know. I’m sure there are so many things that happened in those four years, that thankfully I can’t remember, that weren’t good for me, for any child. If you would have realized that you couldn’t take care of me earlier, maybe I would have been better, maybe I wouldn’t have the abandonment issues, and all the other stuff. I know you tried, that you wanted to keep me and raise me, but I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have the first four years that I did.

I feel guilty. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t, but I still do. I feel very guilty about not putting more of an effort into having a relationship with you now. Growing up, I figured I would become an adult, and then I would be strong enough to have relationships with both of you. But then I grew up, and I never became strong enough. I’ve tried, somewhat, but it’s so very hard.

T, you are making such an effort. You call me every month, or at least you did until I asked you to stop (I’m sorry), and you try to find things over which we can relate. You keep talking about music, and sending me videos and CD’s of you playing your instruments, and encouraging me to play the piano again. I keep saying I might, but here’s the truth: I don’t want to. Piano hasn’t been in my life for years, and I have no desire to play it. We are completely different people. You are into your music and other creative things. I am a business woman, I read the WSJ, I like numbers, and I’m not creative. You don’t understand my life at all, and I don’t understand your life. And that has to be ok – we’re not going to find some great thing in common. Maybe when (if) we start talking again, I will have the guts to explain this to you, but then what are we going to talk about in our awkward conversations?

M, I feel so guilty on behalf of my parents. You say, and I believe you, that they were supposed to keep in contact with you, and you were supposed to be able to see me occasionally. This didn’t happen, and I’m sorry. I would ask my parents why this didn’t happen, but there really is no point. It just happened. Perhaps you were too drunk for the first few years after my adoption to follow up, but when you sobered up, you couldn’t find me, and I’m sorry for this. When I was about 22 years old, I found your phone number on the internet, and I called you. I acted like a telemarketer, and I asked you questions. I asked if you had children, and you said yes, you have one child, a daughter that is 12. And then I hung up. I was sad that you said you only had one child – what about me? Of course I realize that you wouldn’t tell some random telemarketer that you had a child that you gave up for adoption, but it still hurt to hear you say you only had one child. I was excited though to find out I had a sister.

M, when you tracked me down and called me a few years later, I was so excited to hear from you. But then I heard the sadness and guilt in your voice, and it was too much for me to handle. I’m so sorry for not responding well to your attempt at initiating a relationship. Right now, all we do is exchange Christmas cards, and I feel so guilty about this. I always had a vision in my head of going to see you (and T, separately of course) with my child, and introducing you to your grandchild. Then we would have a distraction, and something to talk about. I hope I can do this someday.

Trying to have a child, and having such a hard time doing so, has brought up some strange feelings about both of you. T, I know you were confused when I asked to stop talking. It was just so hard, and I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Here I am, doing everything in my power to have a child, and you walked away from your child – from me. I don’t understand this. How can I relate to you both, knowing that you didn’t want what I yearn for more than anything? Like I said, for some reason I have always thought that once I was a mother, I would be stronger, and I would be able to see you both. But now I’m afraid that this won’t be true. What if I see my child, and feel the emotions that I know I’ll have, and be able to relate to you even less? What if having a child makes me even angrier at you?

I don’t know how to end this, or how to help our relationships. I only know that I’m hurting, and I really hoped that I would be over this hurt by now. Thirty-two years have passed since I went to my parents, and I’m still struggling with a lot of things, including what my relationship with you should look like. I would really like to have more of a relationship, and I would love for you to know your future grandchild. I can’t promise anything, but I can hope.

2nd trimester - and request for advice for a friend

2011-05-16T16:13:00.002-05:00

First I wanted to say I can’t believe I’m in my 2nd trimester. I was 14 weeks on Saturday, and by any of the books, I’m now in the 2nd trimester (why do they disagree, by the way?)! I can’t believe I’m actually at this point. Throughout all the treatments, and the months of not getting pregnant, and the losses, I always wondered if it would ever happen for me. And although I’m still not convinced, there’s starting to look like there’s a good chance that there will actually be a baby at the end of this road. Unbelievable! I’ve had a lot of weird moments lately like this. I was complaining to my therapist last week about the hubs and how he’s not helping out around the house, and what is he going to be like when we have a kid, and I was getting really upset. She asked me, “do you think that you’re no longer as worried about actually having the baby, that you’re starting to worry about bringing a baby home?” That struck me… Um yes, it never really occurred to me that I might have to worry about a BABY! Suddenly I’m thinking about things like sleep schedules, and maternity leave, and daycare, and I should probably figure out something about breastfeeding, and how we’re actually going to do this, and honestly, it’s a little scary – good, but scary. Once I realized what was going on in my crazy head, I started to relax. I can do this. I WANT to do this – more than anything. I’m going to have a BABY, and it’s going to be wonderful! (Oh I hope there’s going to be a baby…)

Things have been going pretty good in the pregnancy front. The 2nd trimester is definitely shaping up to be better than the 1st. From the anxiety levels decreasing, to no more nausea (mostly), to sleeping a little better, all things are looking up. I went to the doc on Friday to have my cervix checked, as I had a LEEP about ten years ago. It measured great – 3.6 cm. He said anything over 2.5 is good, so no cerclage. I’m starting to look bigger, which I’m doing pretty well with (mostly). I went to a maternity store for the first time on Saturday, and I loved it. I had so much fun shoving that pillow in my pants, looking at my future big belly, it was like playing dress up as a child. But now it’s for real! And maternity pants could be the best thing ever. For the first time in weeks, I’m super comfortable at work…

I had a really stupid pregnancy moment this weekend, or at least I’m blaming it on pregnancy – there’s no way I could be this forgetful, right? For the first time in my entire life, I ran out of gas. Seriously, I’m driving along, and it just stopped. Thank goodness I had just exited from the highway and was close to home so the hubs could bring me gas. Who does this? I’m almost 36 years old, and I run out of gas???

Last weekend in Austin was fun. I successfully hung out with everyone, and didn’t get upset at their drunkenness or anything. The day we got there, my friend, the woman who had said I talked about TTC too much, got a call from her gyno recommending Clomid. They have been TTC since October, and it’s not working. She has consistent 6-week cycles. The gyno tested her for a bunch of stuff, but because she has 6-week cycles, and the day 21 progesterone test was low, the doc concluded that she’s not ovulating, and therefore needs Clomid. My friend was not happy. Through tears at a concert, she told me, “No offense, but I don’t want to take fertility drugs.” I feel so bad for her. I asked if she had charted at all, and she hasn’t – her doc told her it wouldn’t work since she works nights. Also, she hasn’t used ovulation kits. I told her before she did the Clomid, to try charting for a few months. As long as she’s sleeping for longer than 4 hours at a time, I think charting could work. Maybe she has a normal, ovulating, 6-week cycle. This is possible, right? Also, I told her to stock up on the OPK’s. I sent her my Taking Charge of Your Fertility book to teach her about charting, but do you ladies have any other advice? Is it possible to have an ovulating 6-week regular cycle? Also, could it take more than 8 months to get everything to work after going off BCP’s? She keeps blaming the pill for her wonky cycles, but it should be good by now if she went off in September, right? I don’t want to give her false hope, but if she’s really against meds, then maybe she should do some other things first, right?

One more thing – wanted to give a bit of a warning. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the book Sing You Home from Jodi Picoult – it’s fiction about infertility. I’m always looking for something good to read, so I downloaded it yesterday and started reading it before bed. I only made it through the first chapter I think, and although I will probably continue it another day, I do not recommend it to a pregnant woman. Or maybe even some women that aren’t yet pregnant. I don’t know – you have to be in a decent state of mind to start this book. Reading about how the main character lost her baby at 28 weeks (I’m not spoiling it – this is how the story begins!) is NOT GOOD. I was crying before bed, and then had the worst dreams ever. I kept waking up, afraid of losing my baby. I’m feeling better today, but I may need to read something else tonight. Something light and happy perhaps!

NT Scan Results

2011-05-05T16:53:00.000-05:00

Great news! My baby scored “Normal”! The nurse was trying to get off the phone after telling me that, but she didn’t realize she was dealing with an infertile with a penchant for numbers. I wanted specifics! She sounded confused, and then started reading results, and then I got to the good stuff. For Trisomy 21 (Down’s), the chance is down from about 1:250 for a 36 year old (next month – blah…) to 1: 4,361! And for Trisomy 13 and 18, it’s 1: 7,681!!! These are better than a 20 year old!

I’m hoping this news makes me feel like a 20 year old this weekend – I’m in for an exhausting one, and I’m having a hard enough time keeping my eyes open with my normal life. The hubs has picked up his BFF and his wife from the airport, and they’re at the bar waiting for me. Then we’re off to Jimmy Buffet concert tonight. Then we’re getting in the car tomorrow to go to Austin, and then headed to 6th Street tomorrow night, which if you’ve been to Austin, is the place to party… And then Saturday we’re headed to New Braunfels where the three of them will go tubing down the river with their beer cooler in a tube. Then a concert that night too! I’ve booked a massage during the tubing time. Sounds like they’re living their college days, doesn’t it! My goals for the weekend are to not act too tired, don’t get too grumpy, and be a good sport. Wish me luck!

Oh, and not bring up trying to get pregnant. The wife is the person who said I talked about TTC too much. Plus I know she’s trying, so I will not be the obnoxious pregnant girl either! I hate to say it, but I’m not looking forward to this weekend…

NT Scan – 12 weeks!

2011-05-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

I had my NT scan on Friday, one day prior to reaching 12 weeks. 12 weeks – can you believe it? I certainly can’t! I’m almost in the 2nd trimester – unbelievable! Every day, I feel like pinching myself – I can’t believe I’m this far along in my pregnancy! Anyway, back to the scan – it went well. Little baby was sleeping most of the scan, so it took awhile to do the scan as they couldn’t get a good measurement of the nuchal fold, but baby finally woke up, and there was a measurement of 1.3 mm. My understanding is that anything under 2 mm is good, so I’m relieved. Also, there was a nasal bone, so that’s a good sign as well. Baby looked good – like a real baby! The heartbeat was strong at 156 bpm, everything was great!

We then went to see the doctor after the ultrasound, and he wanted to do a full exam including pap smear and breast exam, which was a little weird in front of the hubs, I have to admit. Not that he hasn’t seen a bunch of docs hanging out in my nether regions before throughout the whole IVF process, but still it was a little weird. For me – the hubs didn’t seem to care less! But everything looks good. I asked the doc about my LEEP procedure that I had about 10 years ago, and he scheduled me for a cervix measurement at 14 weeks. He said that my cervix felt and looked good and long, but he wanted me to have a precise measurement at 14 weeks to make sure it was long enough, as a LEEP can shorten the cervix. If it’s not long enough, I’ll get a cerclage as a preventive measure. I’m just happy to have another ultrasound in two weeks! I should get the blood results by the end of this week, at which point they’ll tell me my risk of trisomial issues, but I think it will come back fine.

After the doctor’s appointment on Friday, I was feeling so good about my baby – like this might actually happen – that I came out of the closet at work. There were some people that suspected because they knew I was going through fertility treatments. But there were some that were truly surprised. And everybody was so nice. And I found myself telling people I never thought I would tell that I did IVF. It never really was a secret, as I told many people. But I never thought that I would admit to everyone that I did it! But when people start asking specific questions about due dates (I’m pretty sure it will be at the beginning of November as I will be induced because of the Lovenox), and how many ultrasounds I’ve had (lots – love the fertility early monitoring), and whether it was an accident or if we were trying (seriously? why do people ask this?), I found myself explaining that I did IVF. I have this overriding desire for people to know that we really WANTED this baby, and that I’m scared, not just assuming that everything will be fine. I’m very comfortable with my decision to tell people about IVF – I may not be putting myself out there on Facebook (you know how many random people in my life are “friends” with me on FB?) but at least I’m open and honest in my real life. I guess it makes me feel better to tell people, and be open for questions. I wonder sometimes how it will be taken, but so far, so good. Granted, it’s been with about five people… Have to start somewhere!

Thinking back to another life

2011-04-27T10:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see my friend A in the hospital with her two brand-new twin boys. They were adorable. Oh I can’t wait to have my baby! I’m SO very happy I’m pregnant now – I don’t know if I could have handled the visit very well if I wasn’t. I just kept thinking that six months from now, I would be at the same hospital, with my little one. Oh I hope this is true!!!

But last night’s visit brought me back to a time that seems like a different life, but was very early in my fertility struggle. It was the first time I had ever gone to a hospital to visit a friend and her new baby. It was for my best friend at the time. E and I met our sophomore year in college, and immediately hit it off. I don’t even remember how we met, but we were soon inseparable. Our friendship evolved from hitting the frat parties, to going across the country to be camp counselors together one summer, to living together our senior year, to holding her hand while she had an abortion, to spending time with her family at holidays, to her wiping the tears off my face when my mom disappointed me – again, to moving apart after graduation, to flying back home to be there for her dad’s death, to standing up beside her at her wedding, to her helping me move back home, to her introducing me to her neighbor who I ended up marrying, to her standing up beside me at my wedding, to becoming next-door neighbors again. Needless to say, we were very close, and we were like sisters – nothing could ever break us apart.

I think I was about 26, and my ex and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year. I went to my gyno for my annual exam, and I wanted to get assistance getting pregnant. But instead, they found cancerous cells on my cervix in the Pap smear. So I had to have a LEEP procedure. My ex took me to the LEEP procedure, which was awful, and we went directly from the doctor’s office to visit my friend E at the hospital – the buildings were connected. She had just had her baby girl the day before. I was happy for her, but I was also devastated for me. I was afraid of having cancer, I was afraid of what the LEEP procedure would do to my chances of having babies, I was upset at my broken body, and I was also upset about my broken marriage, although I wasn’t quite ready to admit that part yet. I walked into that hospital room, and I saw this baby that I thought I would never have, and knowing that it came so easy to E, I broke down and started bawling. I feel so bad about this, robbing her of her excitement of having a baby, but I couldn’t control myself. She consoled me, and I apologized, and I tried to make it up to her later.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral. A month later, I was on anti-depressants because I couldn’t stop crying. Two months later, I was in the hospital for depression. I took two months off of work, got a lot of counseling, and got better. With a lot of help from E - I relied on her a lot that year. After a lot of couple’s counseling, I filed for divorce, and tried to move on with my life, and got a lot better. And then E broke up with me. She said I was too much to handle, that it was too hard being my friend. She kept bringing up the time when I cried in the hospital at her daughter’s birth. I fought hard, trying to keep her in my life, but she wanted nothing to do with me. And therefore she is no longer my friend.

I was so afraid of TTC again, especially afraid of how I would handle it, and how it would affect my relationships with others. I dated the hubs for 5 ½ years before marrying him for fear of making a bad decision again, and I tried to warn him while dating that TTC could be very difficult, and I don’t handle it well. He didn’t listen… I’ve done a little better during the last two years than I did in my 20’s – I started seeing a counselor earlier, and I think it helped that I listened to my intuition when it said that something was very wrong, and so I got professional help earlier. Being in control of treatments, and taking an aggressive approach seems to have been easier on my psyche. And talking to all of you fabulous people online has definitely helped! But it’s been so hard. And I’ve worked really hard to not be too much of a burden on my friends, for fear of losing someone like I lost E.

My friend A, who had the twins, has been so great throughout the whole process. She really has been an amazing supportive friend. She sees me every day at work, and she always knows where I am in a treatment cycle, and what exactly is going on, both physically and emotionally, with me. Because she asks. Even last night at the hospital, with one little boy at her breast trying to figure out how to suck, she said, “so you’re 11 weeks 3 days, right? How are you feeling?” I’m so lucky – she even knows to the day where I am – and she just gave birth! A few weeks ago, she said that a comment that I made at my wedding shower always stuck in her head. Two years ago, we were talking about trying to have babies (she was pregnant with her first at the time, and so was another woman). I made the comment, “I am not looking forward to trying to get pregnant – it’s hard!” And she didn’t understand. But now, after two years of watching me struggle, she gets it, she really does. Even if she didn’t struggle at all herself, she truly understands me.

I’m so lucky to have my friend A, but I also miss my friend E. I wish I would have handled it differently nine years ago, but I didn’t. But I certainly did learn a lot.

I love my Doppler! And a request for help

2011-04-26T08:32:00.000-05:00

Against my doctor’s wishes, I got a Doppler, and I love it! Like I said yesterday, I’ve been having some cramping after doing a little work outside this weekend. I am taking your advice, and I’m officially lazy – for the rest of my pregnancy! There’s no need to stress out like this, and I’ll have plenty of time after work to get back in shape. Yesterday, the cramping got worse – and sharp. All weekend they were dull achy kind of cramps, but then yesterday I started getting sharp pains – which suck! I plan to talk with my doc on Friday about it – I go in for my 12 week checkup and NT scan. Crazy, I know!

Anyway, I went home yesterday and sitting in my mailbox was a Doppler from my dear friend Laura. She just had a baby boy a month ago, and there she is at the post office sending me her Doppler – amazing. I was able to put it on my belly and I heard the most beautiful sound of all – my little one’s heartbeat… Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, super fast – love it! After all the cramping, at least I was able to confirm that my little guy is fine.

Speaking of Laura, I’d like to ask a favor. For all the mom’s out there, can you stop by and give her some comfort and perhaps some advice? She’s having a hard time with her newborn, with getting him to sleep and with her dealing with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with having a newborn with reflux and sleeping issues. She could use some support right now, so if you could go over there and give her a virtual hug, I think it would help. Thanks!

11 Weeks

2011-04-25T09:54:00.001-05:00

I hit 11 weeks this weekend, and I’m still wondering when it’s going to seem real. I haven’t told most people at work, although I assume most people suspect – I’m starting to get fat… I know, it’s because I’m pregnant, but it really just looks fat. I lost about 4 pounds in the first month of pregnancy, and have since gained one of it back, but I can’t help but thinking I just look fat, or fatter than normal. Actually some people may not notice – it’s not that unusual for a fat girl to get a bigger belly than normal! I think when I get bigger it will be easier – we’ll see.

My friend who accidentally got pregnant with twins gave birth this morning. I’m so impressed with her – she made it to 38 weeks and 3 days to her scheduled C-section date. She worked up until 2 weeks ago, and then worked at home, part-time for the last 2 weeks. I’ve never seen legs that swollen – she’s been miserable. But because she made it so long, she now has two beautiful boys that are 7 pounds, 1 ounce and 7 pounds, 3 ounces – amazing for twins. I’m going to the hospital tomorrow to see them. I’m so happy for her, and yet… I’m so happy for me that I’m pregnant at the birth. I’ve watched her get pregnant, and find out she was having twins, and then finding out it was two boys (she was disappointed at first, but got over it), and then watched her at the end. I have to say, since being pregnant, it’s been so much easier to be happy for her. It’s awful, I know. Even today, while listening to all the women here at work talking in their high-pitched voices about the twins, I feel jealous. I don’t know why, I have a little baby that’s growing in my belly now, but I still feel the infertility twinge – the jealousy of the surprise twins, the ease in how she got pregnant, how she would just assume throughout the whole pregnancy that everything would be fine. Even this weekend, knowing she was going in for her c-section this morning, I was worried about the boys – what if something happened and they didn’t survive the c-section? How rational is that? She just wanted them out of her body so she could move again, and I had so much fear about the boys. Doesn’t exactly bode well for my anxiety levels during my own pregnancy. I’m very happy for my friend, and looking forward to meeting the boys tomorrow, but I’m even happier that I’m going through this now while pregnant – I can’t imagine trying to fake my way through it after even more failed treatments…

The hubs worked very hard this weekend dismantling our deck in our backyard. It wasn’t made very well, and the wood is pretty much rotten. Have to love this Houston weather and what it does to wood – it was only about six years old! The plan is to put in a flagstone patio where the deck was, but first we had to remove the deck. I’ve been feeling very good, and haven’t done much exercise at all since finding out I’m pregnant. First, I’m scared to do any, and then I had that hematoma, and so I was on modified bedrest, so I wasn’t allowed. But this weekend, I really wanted to get outside and do something! I’ve been released from all restrictions, so it should be fine – just don’t lift anything too heavy. On Saturday, I was helping the hubs by putting very small pieces of wood from the wheelbarrow into the dumpster that we rented. And it was going fine. Then he asked me to tighten the bolts on the wheelbarrow as they were loose. And so I spent about 10 minutes bending over, tightening up bolts – not a real strenuous task. But then I started feelings cramps around my ute. I immediately went inside and started resting on the couch, and pretty much didn’t leave the couch the rest of the weekend. The cramping continued most of the weekend – it was better on Sunday, and a little better today. I know that people cramp sometimes throughout their pregnancies, and my ute is growing and shifting, and that could be causing it. But still, it’s so very nerve-racking, especially since it started while doing a very small amount of physical activity! Everything I read says that I should be exercising while pregnant, but I’m very nervous now – how am I supposed to do that now? I keep telling myself that everything is ok, and it probably is, but I hate all this worry!!!

Things are slowing down at work, which is good, and bad. I actually prefer to have the distraction of busy work. Now what am I supposed to do with my time at work? I know, awful… Hubs wants me to prepare a budget for baby. Any suggestions?

Graduated!

2011-04-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

First, thanks to everyone for your reassuring comments. I hate that infertility and loss does this – we have a couple good days in our pregnancy, and we automatically assume that there is something wrong with our babies. Because sometimes that’s what it means – sometimes the absence of symptoms means the baby is now dead. But most of the time it means that you’re lucky, and hopefully the symptoms are getting better. I hate that those of us that have experienced infertility or loss, or both, automatically assume it’s bad. But you all sent me very encouraging comments, and gave me reassurances, enough to get through the few less-symptom days. And then, this weekend, all the symptoms came back, with full force! Good times!

I went to my RE office today, for my final appointment. They told me to stop taking the progesterone shots, and I’m not on any restrictions anymore – no restrictions on exercise, sex, anything! I don’t have the hematoma anymore – it’s completely gone. And everything looks great. The little guy was hitting and kicking all around – so feisty! He even reached up to his head – the nurse said he was scratching his head a little – so very cute. He’s measuring at 10 weeks 4 days, even though I’m at 10 weeks 2 days today. And a heartbeat of 156.

It was a little sad leaving that office. I have gone there so many times over the last 18 months. I was glad to have the nurse that I have seen the most doing my last ultrasound. I thanked her for all her help, and she said that she gave me kudos for all the research and self-advocacy I’ve done to have this baby. Love her! It was so weird walking out of there. I won’t be back until I start trying for baby #2. We haven’t decided when that will be, but I love knowing that they’re taking care of seven frozen embryos for us.

So I now must accept that I’m no longer a fertility patient – now I will go forward with my pregnancy as a normal (yet scared) pregnant woman. Luckily I have my next ultrasound scheduled for April 29 (next week!), which will be the NT scan. But after that, it will be every four weeks that I have to go without confirmation from a doctor that everything is ok. And I think that after we get the results from the NT scan, I’ll officially come out at work. Although I think most people suspect – there’s been some weird vibes lately. Oh who cares, let them all gossip! For now, I’m celebrating that everything is ok – at 10+ weeks, my baby is alive and well. Maybe I will get to have this baby after all…

It Took One Comment

2011-04-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning as we were getting ready for work, the hubs looked over at me and said, “You don’t seem as sick as you have been lately.” And he’s right. Suddenly, yesterday I started feeling so much better! Very little nausea, not as tired, the brain was clicking a little better, and I was in a better mood. I thought for a second, and I said, ”Well, it’s one of a few things. I stopped the estrogen pills and patches on Tuesday per the doc’s instructions. And I decreased the progesterone to every other day. And sometimes nausea subsides after awhile. Or it’s because the baby is dead.” He shushed me, and we went on with our days. But I keep thinking about it…

Last night when the hubs came home from work, he checked the mail and I already had picked it up. Then he came inside to see his wife cooking dinner – with real ingredients like raw chicken, onions and everything. Usually he comes home to napping wife, and I haven’t picked up the mail in a long while. And the only times I’ve “made dinner” in the last month or so, I’ve made grilled cheese or soup or PB&J sandwiches or something. He was very surprised, and quickly asked when my next doctor’s visit was – it’s on Tuesday.

I keep telling myself everything is ok – the ultrasound on Tuesday was perfect – measured perfectly, baby waved at us, everything looked well. I’m sure it’s just the change in meds or something that is causing me to feel better, but there’s a part of me that wonders. It’s so nice to feel good, but I’m so afraid of what it could mean…

There’s a Person in There!

2011-04-13T16:53:00.000-05:00

I had another ultrasound visit with the RE yesterday, and the hubs was finally able to go with me. At 9 weeks, 2 days, we got to see the baby, and it’s starting to look like an actual human! It’s so hard to tell up until this point what is what, but when he pointed out the head, and the arms, and the legs, it was so easy to see my little baby. The baby was waving at us a little, and it just about broke my heart. Aside from the sickness, I can’t physically tell that there’s something inside of me growing, but there is – an honest to goodness, live baby! Amazing.

The doc told me that I’m supposed to start decreasing my meds. Completely cut out the estrogen pills and patches, and do the progesterone in oil shots every other day instead of every day. This will go for a week, and then no more progesterone. This scares me a bit, as it seems like most people go off of meds at around 10 weeks, but I’m going to trust the doc. He says my placenta should be able to take over now, so that’s what it is – I have to accept this.

I’m hoping that these kind of visits will help me get more positive. I really need to work on my attitude over the next few weeks. I can’t feel this petrified when I finally come out to everyone at work. Because it will come across as grumpy or negative or something, and that’s not really appropriate at work. So I need to figure out some ways to be more positive. I shopped online for some maternity clothes today, got about five things in my cart, looked at them, and then quickly logged off so I wouldn’t buy anything – don’t want to jinx anything! Then later I shopped for baby stuff – oh no, that’s not going to happen any time soon. The hubs sent me a picture of a beautiful rocking chair. I said it was nice, but we shouldn’t buy it soon. I know he’s finally getting excited, I think the ultrasound helped, and I wish I could too. I think I need to keep thinking about it, and try to get myself more used to the idea, and maybe it will be better. But it’s hard, it’s very hard!!!

The hubs looked online and informed me the Chinese gender predictor thing said we’re having a boy. But he dreamed we are having a girl. So now he’s convinced it’s a girl… OK, even I have to admit – he’s pretty cute like this.

Hating myself

2011-04-11T14:39:00.001-05:00

The hubs was gone all weekend – he went to Denver on Thursday and came back last night. Which meant I was home alone. Which I usually love. Of course I love hanging out with the hubs, and would prefer for him to be there, but I like being alone every once in awhile. But not this weekend. It was generally ok, I made it through the weekend fine, I kept myself pretty busy and took care of some stuff. But I didn’t realize how much I was feeling needy, and wanted the hubs to be home until he got home.

I think it started when he got home and started complaining about something immediately. And then I think I asked him to do a few things – gosh, I can’t even remember what I asked him to do. But at one point, he barked at me, “OK, let’s start making a list. How many things can you ask me to do in one night? You’re so bossy!” Then my feelings got hurt, then he continued to say slightly negative things – not really bad, but nothing nice. I think I just wanted him to come home, act excited to see me, and want to spend the evening cuddling, or doing nice things for me, or something. I hate when I get like this. It’s like the inner child comes out and throws a huge temper tantrum. Which is what I ended up doing – the evening ended with me crying in bed, and the hubs saying I’m out of control. I don’t even know how that happened, I just wanted things to get better, and they were spiraling out of control. Finally I was able to say through my tears, “I feel so alone. I spent all weekend, feeling scared, and feeling sick. And thinking of you in Denver with our friends having a good time. And how I couldn’t be there.” Finally he softened up and held me for awhile, which I guess is all I really wanted.

I hate how vulnerable I feel. I hate that I’m so needy. And I hate that I’m acting like such a child – who is this woman? I used to be so independent, and I’ve turned into this sniveling baby who cried when her husband goes away! I hate this side of me! I definitely didn’t do what my therapist tells me to do: stay in my adult!

The other thing that really bothered me last night is he told me about a conversation he had with his best friend (K) and K’s wife (J). J and I are pretty good friends, but we don’t really talk on our own. When the four of us get together, we have a great time, but J and I have never hung out or talked on our own without our husbands. We all vacationed together in Europe in September, so we got to know each other even more, but we haven’t really talked outside of our husbands since. We spent quite a bit of time in Europe talking about trying to get pregnant – I was trying to get over my miscarriage, she was on her last round of birth control pills before starting to get pregnant, and she’s a nurse, so she’s fascinated by all things medical. I saw her in November, and I knew that her first cycle after BCP didn’t go well, but she seemed positive and upbeat, hoping everything would be fine.

I asked the hubs how they were doing, and asked if they were pregnant yet. And he said, “no, and don’t bring it up when they’re here.” They’re coming to stay with us for a long weekend in May. The hubs and K and J had a long conversation about it late Saturday night, her cycles are really long to the point where she is wondering if she’s ovulating, her doc has recommended Clomid, but they both think her cycle will figure itself out – that maybe her body isn’t over being on BCP yet (she went off of them in September!). But J doesn’t feel like she’s ready for meds. The hubs suggested that K go get a semen analysis done, just in case, as it’s a good step prior to meds and completely non-invasive. So proud of him for suggesting that, as it was a bit of a struggle for him to get it done the first time! But he said that J started crying, and is upset that it’s not going well, and she sees her friends having troubles (like the hubs and me) and she worries that it will be the same for her. And that all I talked about while we were in Europe was TTC – either the miscarriage or my future plans for me, or talking about starting to TTC for her, and she doesn’t want it to take over her life like it did for me…

First, I feel so bad for J and K, especially J. I want to help her, and call her and offer support, and all that. I know how stressful the worrying that there is something wrong can be. But now I don’t feel like I can do that. The hubs thinks I should just ignore it because J thinks that is all I can talk about or think about. And you know what? J is right. It is all I can think about. I have spent the last two years obsessing about it – every single day. And now that I’m pregnant, I’m worse. All I can think about is whether this baby will live. I’ve always hated those women – those moms that don’t have anything to talk about but their kids, or those pregnant women who don’t have anything to talk about but their pregnancy. I didn’t realize I became the kind of woman I hate a long time ago, and it’s only getting worse.

I feel so bad that this is who I am. But it is. My parents or friends ask, “how are you?” And I respond, “I’m good – I’m still pregnant.” As if that is the only thing in my life. But it is – that’s how I feel. And from feeling awful for my friend J but not knowing how to help, to getting upset with the hubs because he dares to leave me and have fun while I sit at home and worry about our baby, this is my life. And I don’t know how to change it.

Uncharted Territory

2011-04-05T16:02:00.001-05:00

I just got back from my first regular OB appointment, and the baby is still alive. It’s measuring at 8 weeks 3 days, even though today is 8 weeks 2 days. And the heartbeat is great – 157 bpm. I’ve never had a baby this big in my belly. So today, officially, I’m further along than I ever have been. And that makes me very happy.

The appointment went well – I love this doctor. I’ve seen him for about two years, I remember telling him we were trying. He’s the one who recommended my RE. He’s the one who did my D&C last June. And now he’s the one who will hopefully follow me through this pregnancy. He’s great – he’s all about the good bedside manner. He told me that once I stop the weekly RE visits, that I can call his nurse at any time, and they will get me in for an ultrasound, just to cure my anxiety. I talked with him about getting a Doppler, and he said that it’s fine – after about 20 weeks. Until then he even has a hard time finding the heartbeat on a Doppler sometimes, so he doesn’t recommend it to his patients. But by 20 weeks, I should be able to feel the baby kick, so what’s the point? So I’m going to try to take his advice and hold off on purchasing one.

I spoke to the doc for awhile about Lovenox, and he said he has plenty of patients who use Lovenox successfully through their pregnancy. He wants to change a couple things for my pregnancy compared to a normal one: starting at around 28-29 weeks, I’ll start going in for weekly non-stress tests. He wants to monitor my blood flow, and make sure everything looks good. So the weekly appointments will start early. And the second thing is because I should be off Lovenox for 24-48 hours prior to delivery, he doesn’t like to wait until I go into labor. So he wants to induce me at around 38 weeks. So my due date is officially November 12 (really it should be November 13 but the baby is measuring a day big, but who cares?), but I’ll likely give birth in late October. I was hoping to go as long as possible, and I’ve heard bad things about the inducing process, but that’s ok. I just want to do whatever I can to have a healthy baby, and if it takes inducing, or shots throughout the pregnancy, or standing on my head for the next seven months, I’ll do it.

Believe me, I’m still nervous, but we have reached a new point. I have my NT scan on April 29, and hopefully everything will look good then. Perhaps after that point I’ll be able to relax a little. I hope so!

I Want to Move!

2011-04-04T10:06:00.002-05:00

We went to bed last night at 10, and I fell asleep around 10:30, while the hubs stayed up watching TV. About 11:30 at night, I woke up because I could feel something crawling on my head. I reached up there, and it crawled over my fingers. I let loose a blood-curdling scream, and sat up. The hubs looked over at me, and by the light of the TV, he could see it crawling down my hair and onto my shirt. He screamed too, and then told me to get up, out of bed and take off my shirt. I immediately did, all the while screaming. I turned on the lights, and we couldn’t find it – we looked in my shirt on the floor, and there was nothing. Finally he started going through the bed, and there it was. Running across my lovely white sheets was a 3-fucking-inch cockroach! I ran to the kitchen to grab a roll of paper towels, but in the meantime the fucker was running fast to the bathroom so the hubs grabbed my shirt and grabbed the roach. He didn’t know what to do with it, so he just threw the shirt and the roach into the backyard and shut the door! He told me later I can go get my shirt, wash it and wear it again – yeah, I’m good – don’t need that shirt. It’s going in the trash, if I ever have the nerve to go get it. Getting to sleep again – in my bed! – trying to calm down – was miserable. We left the light on for a couple hours, making sure his buddies wouldn’t come back out, but I couldn’t sleep so I finally turned off the light.

I fucking hate cockroaches. I grew up in the lovely mountains of Colorado – it was too cold for those fuckers! (I usually don’t cuss this much, I apologize for my language, but I had a fucking cockroach crawling on my head last night! I think I’m allowed a few f-bombs.) When we moved to Texas, I knew that we would probably encounter some bugs, but a fucking cockroach on my head while sleeping??? When we saw the lovely lot of our house, and how it backed right up to the forest, and how even part of the forest is in our yard, which is so nice for our dogs, I thought it was great. I didn’t think about the fucking tree roaches that lived in the forest and would get in our house! We’ve lived in the house for over three years, and haven’t had huge problems – just a dead roach here or there occasionally. BUT – we have always had the house sprayed for bugs every three months. Just like all my neighbors and friends here in Texas, we have someone come to our house and spray pesticide all over our house – both inside and out.

I’ve recently done some research, and I don’t remember all the details (don’t really want to do more research – trying to stick my head in the sand a bit today), but as you can imagine, pesticides are not good – for you, for your children, for your unborn babies. The hubs and I had talked, and I told him I didn’t want the guy to come out anymore now that I’m pregnant, he said why not just spray the outside, and not the inside, and so we agreed - generally. The bug guy is scheduled to come out THIS WEEK! He’s such a good sales guy, he calls every three months, and comes out the next day. So I know he’s going to call me today or tomorrow. What am I going to tell him when he calls?

Last night after the big cockroach debacle, the hubs kept saying, you want to cut back on spraying? Seriously? I know it’s been three months since the last spraying, which happened inside as well, but we just went through winter when the activity is supposed to be low. Now that the temps are rising into the 80’s, and it’s going to be 90’s very soon, the problem is only going to get worse! I can’t fucking live with cockroaches in my bed! I looked online, and one of the suggestions was to get a gecko or two to live free-range in the house. I sent the suggestion to the hubs, and he just ignored me. I can’t imagine why he doesn’t want that! And that should be fun with my two dogs – they love to bark at lizards outside and try to kill them. That would be fun inside the house…

I don’t know what to do – I’m going to ask the bug guy about less toxic measures. And I’m trying to pretend that a fucking cockroach didn’t wake me up last night by wandering over my head! I know I should be as safe as possible with this baby, but there was a fucking cockroach on my head!!! And lots of people in Texas and in the south use pesticides all the time – right?

But the big thing is that the next time the hubs brings up moving back to Colorado, I may just have to say yes… Especially if another fucking 3-inch cockroach walks on me again!

It's Alive!

2011-03-31T09:48:00.002-05:00

That's the text I sent my husband when I walked out of the ultrasound this morning: It's Alive! And yes, the baby inside me is still alive. It's measuring perfectly at 7 weeks 4 days, its heartbeat is 147 bpm, and the subchorionic hematoma has even shrunk! It's still there, but not near as big as it was before. All good news. They told me to make an appointment with my OB, and I'll keep going for weekly appointments, whether they are at the RE or my OB, until approximately 10 weeks. And they gave me a prescription for Zofran for the nausea. I don't plan on taking it unless the nausea is really bad, but I guess it will be good to have on hand.

I'm really trying to focus on the positive today. And be happy, and enjoy the moment. And I am. I really hope I get to have this baby. I'm becoming quite attached...

Preparing

2011-03-30T09:58:00.002-05:00

I did something yesterday I told myself I shouldn’t do: I looked at the posts I wrote during early pregnancy last time, before the heartbeat stopped. I was looking for a sign, something to tell me that this pregnancy would be different. Because I’m scared. I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow, and I’m petrified that there won’t be a heartbeat. I’ll be at 7 weeks 4 days tomorrow, and I had an ultrasound during the last pregnancy at 7 weeks 5 days, and everything was fine. Well maybe – the baby was measuring four days behind, but they told me that was ok, maybe it wasn’t. But the heartbeat was good – it was 158 bpm. It wasn’t until next week’s ultrasound that the baby’s heart had stopped. We’re definitely in the same approximate time when my previous baby died – I really hope this doesn’t happen again. But the next few weeks are going to be tough – I always knew they would be.

The hubs’ great-uncle passed away, and so hubs went with his family to Iowa for the funeral – he’s one of the pallbearers. I would have gone too, but I won’t fly. I flew to a wedding during the weekend between my 7 week 5 day ultrasound and my 8 week 4 day ultrasound – when the baby was dead. I know that everyone says that flying is safe, but there’s no way you could get me on a plane right now. I don’t know if I’ll even fly during the 2nd trimester – if I get that far. The hubs was supposed to go with me to tomorrow’s ultrasound, but now I have to go by myself.

I already have it planned – if the ultrasound shows a dead baby. I go in before work tomorrow, and I won’t go to work if it’s dead – I’ll call my boss and tell him I’m not coming in on Thursday and Friday. Get a D&C, with karyotyping, done on Friday (the hubs will be back by then so he can drive me), and cry all weekend, go back to work on Monday. I know it’s absolutely crazy that I have planned this, but these are the thoughts that go through my head when it’s late at night and I can’t sleep, and I’m by myself. And strangely, it gives me some bit of comfort to have a plan. I was so overwhelmed by choices last time, now I know what I’ll do, I’ll make sure to have the karyotyping done. Last time the D&C was done by my regular OB, and he doesn’t do the testing, but I have confirmed that if I have a D&C done by my RE, he will do karyotyping. I know I should be thinking more positively, my mother would yell at me if she saw this paragraph, but this is what I’m thinking about. I’m trying to have a lot of hope, but also I’m very scared.

The other thing I noticed when looking at my blog from early pregnancy last time is I didn’t talk about symptoms much. It seems like this time I’m having a lot more symptoms than last time, but I wanted to write it down today so I can look back at this. Maybe I can use this for my second baby, right?

I’m having a lot of nausea, more than I remember from last time. It started pretty early in the pregnancy in the evenings, then it started in the morning, and then a few days ago it started to be all day, every day. Every kind of food looks and smells gross. I struggle finding anything to eat. I eat a lot of saltines, cereal, and peanut butter & honey sandwiches. I can’t stand chicken – beef is better. Fruits seem gross, as do vegetables, but I try to force some of this down. I’ve thrown up maybe 5 times – early morning or late at night. Most of the time I don’t throw up, just feel awful. Additionally, I’m exhausted – much more so than I remember from last time. Plus I have a hard time sleeping. I’ve found that the following works best: get up whenever I wake up from anxiety – today was 5:00am – shower, wrap head in towel, eat something like a breakfast bar or saltines, set alarm for as late as possible (7 today), get up, eat something, get ready, go to work, go home at lunch to take nap and eat a peanut butter sandwich, go back to work, go home, take a 30 minute nap, get up in time for the hubs to come home and not discover me sleeping, have dinner (usually cereal), in bed by 9, get up a few times to pee. Lovely day. Other symptoms? Boobs hurt – must wear a sports bra to bed. I think those are the main physical ones. I’m emotional, irritable, etc. as well.

Overall, I’m happy, just waiting. I’m waiting for either my baby to die, or to get to the 2nd trimester. I know that there can be all kinds of problems later, but I’m choosing to ignore those. I hope all the symptoms mean that everything will be ok. I really don’t mind having them – they’re a constant reminder that there’s a baby in there. I’m sorry that this post doesn’t seem very hopeful, I just wanted to write some things down that could help me later before I go in tomorrow for the ultrasound.

I need a better response

2011-03-25T15:18:00.001-05:00

I have a friend at work who is one of the nicest people ever. We hang out quite a bit, even outside of work, but we’re not incredibly close. But we talk. We’re part of a trivia group, so we’ve been meeting every week at a bar for about three years, playing trivia and drinking beer. There have been times over the last three years that I wouldn’t drink, and she has been suspicious. So I told her awhile ago that we were trying to get pregnant. And I told her last June that I was pregnant. And I told her last June that I lost my baby. And I told her again sometime that we were doing treatments. She’s always been nice, and supportive, but I could tell she didn’t quite understand.

She asked me earlier this week why I haven’t been coming to trivia, but the hubs has still been going. I told her because it was in a bar that allowed smoking, and I’m too tired – I’m not interested in going right now. She asked if I was pregnant, and I said yes – I’m certainly not going to lie to a direct question. She said congratulations, and I told her it was early, and too early to get excited about it yet, but thank you.

I just ran into her at the coffee bar, as we were both getting smoothies. (With strawberries and bananas – just about my only source of fruit right now…) As the smoothie machine was loudly processing, she asked me how I was feeling, I told her not very good, but that’s ok, thanks for asking. And then she started talking about how much my life was going to change, and how I had no idea how much work kids are, blah blah blah. Before I knew it, things were coming out of my mouth like she had no idea how long I’ve been trying to have a baby, or how many babies I’ve lost, so I really hope my life is going to change. And I started tearing up. She looked at me with horror on her face. I mumbled sorry, I’m just a little nervous as it’s early and I don’t want to lose the baby. We both tried to recover, and went on our way.

I know she was meaning well, she’s really such a sweet woman, but I didn’t want to hear how difficult it was to have a child. I haven’t told many people yet, and most of the people I’ve told understand my fear because they’ve been by my side throughout the process, but what about when I tell the rest of the people? I have to come up with something better to say than “you have no idea about the babies I’ve lost and how long we’ve been trying to have a baby!”

Pain

2011-03-23T20:56:00.004-05:00

I was watching Shameless with the hubs tonight. Have you seen this new Showtime show? It’s one of those guilty pleasure, complete trainwreck, I can’t believe they just did that, kind of shows. It’s about a family of six children, ranging in age from about two to about twenty, raising themselves because the dad, who is in and out of their lives, is a raging crazy alcoholic, and their mom left. The episode we watched tonight (recorded from last week I think) was living up to its trainwreck status. The dad won some lawsuit (he’s always suing someone – it’s a way to make money!) but needed his wife to be there as the co-plaintiff in order to receive the money. And so he tracked her down. Long story short, she showed up, came to the house with all the kids, and decided that she wanted to be in their lives again. Or more specifically, her lesbian girlfriend decided they wanted to take the baby, but not the rest of the kids, and the mom wanted to be a part of the rest of the kids’ lives as well. The older kids decided that their father, who is a complete wreck, was better than the mom because at least the dad stuck around.

I have to admit that I can be a crier while watching TV. Show me a sweet commercial or something slightly emotional on a show, and there will be a tear or two. The hubs loves to tease me about this – he can even tell when a show will cause me to cry. Normally it’s a little tear or two – that’s it. But as we’re watching this Shameless episode, I could feel the emotions build, to a point I couldn’t control. Suddenly I started crying uncontrollably, sobbing, couldn’t even breathe! I didn’t want to show my loss of control to the hubs, so I ran to the bathroom, and I ended up in a pile in the bathroom, sobbing for about twenty minutes. The hubs kept asking what was wrong, and I couldn’t speak. Finally I calmed down, and mumbled something about abandonment issues.

For those of you that don’t know me well, I was adopted when I was four, after many foster homes and homelessness. I’ve been seeing a therapist for awhile, and she talks to me often about my abandonment issues. But my reaction while watching Shameless was so much more than that.

I felt so bad for those kids in the show. They realized their mom left them, and then just wanted to come back in their lives and have everything be ok. That’s how I feel about my birth parents. Both of them would be in my lives, and act like they were my parents, if I would let them. But I can’t. Until the Shameless episode, I couldn’t really figure out why.

I was so angry at that mom on the show. She walked away from her children. She kept giving excuses, about not being able to handle it, and how crazy she was. But I don’t care – I was so angry! It didn’t make sense how angry and upset I got, and then I figured it out.

Sometime when I was crumbled in a ball on the floor in the bathroom, I realized – I’m so angry at my birth parents! They walked away from me! My whole life, when telling my adoption story, I told it like my adoptive parents told me - some cute little fairy tale about how my mom couldn't have children, and how my mom and dad fell in love with me when they saw me. I always glossed over the part about my birth parents abandoning me. But here I am, newly pregnant with a baby that I’ve worked so hard to get, and all I can think about is my birth parents walking away. Yes, they were drug addicts and alcoholics and homeless and my mother was bipolar, but they gave me up! I want to have a child so bad, I would give anything for a child, and they walked away from a four-year old girl – me.

So many people in my life have told me I should “just” adopt when I tell them about my infertility. It seems so natural, right? C’mon, I’m adopted myself! Besides all the normal responses, primarily because there’s no “just” about it, I’ve always had this gut reaction inside, something was screaming, “NO!” But I didn’t understand it. Now, during a silly trainwreck show, I figured it out.

I don’t think I can adopt because I’m so angry at those birth parents - all of the birth parents. I know I should be thinking about the adoptive parents who want those children, and the children who get better homes because of adoption (as I did!), but all I think about is those parents who walked away from those children. I have met so many wonderful adoptive mothers online, and I think it’s so wonderful that those ladies were able to complete your families through adoption, but when they say some things about the birth parents, it baffles me. They say, “The birth mother gave me such a gift.” And “Giving up her child took so much courage." And "How unselfish she must be to want her child in a better situation." And other wonderful things. But all I can think about is those mothers walking away from their babies. My therapist, who is infertile and adopted two babies, and sometimes works with birth mothers, say that many birth parents feel that they don’t have a choice. But they do – every person has a choice, in everything they do. I know there are situations when women truly don’t believe there is a choice – I can’t imagine raising a child if I was incredibly young, or it was a result of a rape, or something terrible like that. But when I became sexually active as a teenager, I decided that if I ever became pregnant, I would keep my baby, because for me, that was part of being responsibly sexually active.

I know I sound incredibly judgmental, and I apologize for this. I’m coming from a place of deep pain, and I hope you can understand this. These are the things that went through my head while sobbing, and I was so surprised at these strong emotions. I usually push these thoughts and feelings so far away. It took me so long to figure out why I have such a strong negative reaction when someone tells me I should adopt. And who knows if I will always feel this way. Perhaps with more therapy and working through these emotions, I could get to the place where I could adopt. But I don’t know how, as an infertile woman, I could walk up to a birth mother and not feel negative feelings about her. I know that by the time you’re having those conversations, you’re so motivated all you can think about is the child, and completing your family with that child. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t an adoptee. Maybe someday I would become motivated enough to only think about the child, I don’t know.

All I know is that right now, while I’m desperately trying to hold on to this little being inside me, I can’t imagine giving this little one up. And I can’t relate to or understand someone that would give up a baby, or a four-year old child.

Heartbeat!

2011-03-23T17:13:00.001-05:00

We have a heartbeat! I went in this morning - jury duty ended earlier than planned - and saw my little baby’s heartbeat. I’m at 6 weeks, 3 days today, and the embryo measured right on target, and the heartbeat was 121 beats per minute, which is on target based on how far along I am. The blood work looked good too – the progesterone in oil increased my progesterone to over 20, so that’s good.

That was the good news – here is the bad: I have a subchorionic hematoma. Right alongside the gestational sac is this long black area, and the nurse said that is blood. She said it is very common, especially in IVF patients, and it may cause some spotting, but shouldn’t cause any problems. I looked online, and saw that it increases miscarriage rate by up to 5%. The nurse said I’m supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible, other than working, don’t exercise, no sex (although I’m still on the pelvic rest from the IVF procedure), drink lots of fluids, and perhaps expect spotting. Sometimes it resolves on its own, and sometimes it doesn’t.

I’m trying to not be too concerned, as I have heard of this happening in the blog world, but what does it mean? Am I going to be on these restrictions for a long time, like the whole pregnancy? I’ve been taking Lovenox for the MTHFR, and I noticed that sometimes doctors prescribe Lovenox to break up the clot of the hematoma, but I’m already taking it. I need to spend some time Googling to try to understand it a little, but again, I’m trying to not freak out too much, so I’ve generally been trying to stay away from the internet.

Yet another thing to worry about – I have a feeling this pregnancy will not be easy. But as long as I get to the end of it with a healthy baby, I can live through hell for the next 7 ½ months. We met a big milestone today – a heartbeat. I have another ultrasound next Thursday, so hopefully that one will go well too. The next few weeks are going to be hard. I feel like I’m on a familiar path – made it through the heartbeat, now I wait for the next step. Last pregnancy, the heart stopped beating at around 8 weeks, and I had an ultrasound at 8 ½ weeks when we discovered it. I keep telling myself that this is a different pregnancy, and it doesn’t have to be the same result. I’m taking aspirin, Folgard and Lovenox that I didn’t have before. This is a new pregnancy, and I really hope I get a baby out of it. I also hope this hematoma thing doesn’t turn into anything big. I guess I’m just hoping – a lot!

Jury Duty

2011-03-22T07:20:00.002-05:00

I was supposed to go to the doctor this morning for an ultrasound to see my baby’s heartbeat. And instead, I’m going to court. Yesterday I reported to jury duty, and they selected me for a trial. Luckily, the trial only lasts three days, but I really wanted to see my baby today, and its little heart beating. Oh I hope its heart is beating…

Jury duty is kind of interesting. It’s a civil trial, so it doesn’t concern criminal acts, which is nice. The judge said that of the felony charges he sees, 70% of them related to child abuse – I can’t imagine being on that kind of trial. I’m learning a ton about Texas employment law, and we’re all fascinated to find out how much the plaintiff is asking for in damages! I have to admit – it’s kind of fun, and a good distraction. I’m trying to not think about the work I’m missing and will have to catch up on when I get back, but it’s a pretty slow time at work so not too bad. Oh, and I had to pledge allegiance not only to the United States flag, but also the Texas flag! Do other states do this? I’ve never seen that before…

I rescheduled the ultrasound for Thursday morning, as the lawyers said the trial should be over by then, and I have to assume the baby is ok. The morning and evening sickness seems to be getting worse, which is so comforting. First time in my life that I am happy to be sick! The hubs is giving me a hard time about food. We’ve been reading every night from The Pregnancy Journal (yes, I’m crossing out dates from my previous pregnancy – a little morbid…), and it keeps talking about getting this vitamin from these foods and that vitamin from those foods. All I eat for breakfast and dinner is cereal and saltines and ginger ale! I try to have a healthy lunch, but I still can’t stand to eat chicken, or fish, or sometimes beef. I’m certainly not getting all the range of fruits, vegetables and protein that the book suggests. And I've lost four pounds in the last two weeks. I'm overweight, so I assume it's fine, but still. I keep telling the hubs that I’m sure it’s fine – women all over have these kind of diets in their early pregnancy, but it still makes me nervous.

I have to go get ready for jury duty – hope all of you are doing well! I had some time to read blogs yesterday during the selection process, but I doubt I will have time today – they’re very strict on breaks and cell phone use!

Watching Drunk People

2011-03-18T16:27:00.001-05:00

First, thank you so much to all of you who helped me get through the scariness earlier this week. I really appreciate it!!! I am doing better, primarily because there hasn’t been any spotting in the last couple days. Yes, I still have cramping, but it comes and goes, and I keep telling myself it’s normal. I have to assume that baby’s still in there and growing…

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Last night, we went out with some friends for St. Patty’s Day. Luckily we went to a Mexican restaurant – no real big celebration there, unlike our normal bar that we hang out in which is crazy on St. Patty’s Day! I had my club soda with lime juice, and watched all of them drink their margaritas. (Can I just tell you how disgusting tequila smells when it’s in everyone’s breath and you have super-sensitive smelling powers and a queasy belly?) It was an interesting group, and it whittled down to some core friends, at which time the drunk talking seriously began. We went home right before the “I love you, man” phase. It was the hubs and me, a couple friend of ours that went through infertility and loss along with their kids (seriously, who brings their 5 and 6 year old kids to the bar at 9:00 at night?), and another guy whose girlfriend is four months pregnant. These people are close to us, so they know all our IVF and loss history. Unfortunately, the worst part about telling people that you’re doing IVF and getting support through the process is they know when to ask if you’re pregnant. And so we have told all the close people in our lives – no hiding for us. But they all know about our losses, and they all know that we’re super nervous. It’s an interesting approach, one that I know a lot of people don’t agree with, but one that works for us.

As the evening – and drinks – progressed and it was just five of us plus the kids running around, it became absurd – and a little sweet and sad. The guy whose girlfriend is pregnant got hassled a ton. He has no plans to even live with the mom after the baby is born, or at least that’s what he says. She already has three kids (!!!) and now after he knocked her up, he doesn’t want to be a father to her other kids – like he’s surprised she has them. He told me, “I don’t mind raising my own kid, but why do I have to be involved with her other kids?” I almost hit him. I have a suspicion that he’s just acting like an ass to get a rise out of us, and will actually step up when it comes down to it, but who knows. But you should have seen my husband – he was giving the guy such a hard time, “Dude, this is your baby’s mother!” I loved it – look at my guy defending the single mom. I was so proud!

The woman who had IVF seven years ago for her first child is an expert on everything fertility, or so she thinks. For the last couple years, she has told me her opinion every step of the way. Which is helpful, but sometimes gets to be a bit much. Last night, she was asking about my hcg levels, and said that I’m definitely having twins. I told her that I had an ultrasound and there was only one sac and one yolk sac and one embryo. She said I was wrong – it could have been hiding. We went back and forth, and drunk girl would not give up. And so I did. Sigh…

But the best part of the night was when the dad of the kids started telling my husband and the guy with the pregnant girlfriend about how awful it is to live with a pregnant woman. “Oh you just wait. Once they get to about 5 or 6 months, they’re going to be bitching and moaning about everything! You would think that the whole world revolves around them!” And what does my husband say? “That’s OK, if we make it to 5 or 6 months, then we’ll be safe. She can complain all she wants. As long as we get to have the baby.” Heart melting…

Everything’s OK – for now

2011-03-16T13:11:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why I have to use the “for now” part - I just do. I just got back from the doc, and they did an ultrasound and everything looks good. Today I’m 5 weeks 3 days, and the sac is measuring 5 weeks 4 days, and the baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days. They couldn’t find the source of the bleeding, so they’re assuming it is from the progesterone, or the ultrasound yesterday, or something. And the cramping – it just happens. Like I thought, the recommendation is to wait and see. Bleh!

I wish this was easier. I know too much – I know what can go wrong. I know that every twinge, every drop of blood, could mean nothing, or it could mean the beginning of the end. I want to have a positive attitude, but it’s so hard when you have experienced hell. Just a few days ago, I had a really good attitude. It was weird – I convinced myself that this was it. I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately, and realized again that nothing ever comes easily to me. This is the theme of my life. I was homeless and bouncing between foster homes prior to the age of four, adopted by people that may or may not have been good parents (mom definitely should not have been a mother, although she’s trying), went into a deep depression when I tried to get pregnant in my twenties unsuccessfully, divorced my first husband, etc. Nothing has ever come easy. But eventually, I’ve always figured things out. I’ve always persevered, and made it through.

A few days ago, I told my therapist about all of this. And how I always knew that I would struggle having a baby. Even before I started trying in my previous marriage in my twenties, I had a feeling – a gut instinct, if you will – that it would be difficult. Of course I had no idea how difficult. My first husband and I tried to get pregnant for a year, and then due to that and a few other things such as a failing marriage, I sunk into a major depression. Like the kind of depression that lands you in a hospital for a few days. I eventually got better, got my life back in order including divorcing my husband, and was able to figure things out. I started dating my future husband, and when we started getting serious, I told him it was going to be hard getting pregnant. I don’t think he believed me… But I always knew – it was going to be hard. But the question is, how hard?

When we decided to go to get assistance with an RE in November 2009, it didn’t surprise me – this was going to be hard, of course we need a doctor! When I got pregnant with the ectopic with my first IUI with injectibles last February, it was over so quickly I didn’t really think about it as far as what it meant. When I got pregnant with my second IUI in May, and everything looked ok, it surprised me. By this time I was involved in this fabulous bloggy world, and I realized what “hard” looked like – multiple IVF’s, multiple losses, years of trying without success. So I felt lucky, and a little like I was cheating. Yes, I had resorted to IUI’s with injectibles, and I had an ectopic, but it still seemed pretty easy that I was pregnant. And when I lost my baby at 8 ½ weeks, it surprised me, and yet, it didn’t. Because things don’t come easy for me.

When I went through a third IUI cycle in September and it didn’t work, it didn’t surprise me. When I went through my first IVF cycle in December and it didn’t work, it didn’t surprise me. But then I wondered – had I been through enough? It feels like enough, but it hasn’t yet broken me. A few days ago, I was convinced that I had been through enough – I have paid my dues, it has officially been “hard”, so now, I’m pregnant and I think this will work. I really believed this – a few days ago. I even told my therapist that my gut instinct was that I was going to have a healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy.

Now, I’m not so sure. When I heard yesterday that my progesterone was low, I thought, “Of course.” When I woke up this morning and saw the pink on the toilet paper, I thought, “Of course.” Things don’t come easy for me. I wasn’t that surprised when I saw the ultrasound and nothing looked wrong – it seems like it hasn’t really been enough time for everything to fail since yesterday’s ultrasound. But what is next week’s ultrasound going to look like? It wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a heartbeat next week. But then what? I know from personal experience that a heartbeat doesn’t really mean anything – it just means you’re attached more when your baby’s heart stops beating later. What if after my baby’s heart start, it doesn’t stop? Will I ever be comfortable? I don’t know. I thought I beat it – this anxiety and fear. But no, I was just in a happy little lull. But that’s over. It’s official - I’m now a petrified pregnant after infertility and loss woman. Because once again, things are not going easy for me.

Spotting and Cramping

2011-03-16T07:34:00.000-05:00

The title just about says it all, doesn’t it? I got up in the middle of the night from cramping – it’s like bad menstrual cramps. I was able to go back to sleep, assuring myself that it was just my uterus growing and such. Then this morning, after going to the bathroom, I wiped and there was the tiniest bit of pink. Then later I had a bowel movement, and there amongst the Crinone mess was a lot of pink. I have lots of the white Crinone gel mess up there, and we all know that red and white make pink…

I know that the lack of progesterone can cause some spotting. It hasn’t been a ton. But combined with the cramping and combined with the low progesterone yesterday, I’m scared. We successfully did the PIO shot last night (thanks for all your tips! Warming up the oil, combined with icing my butt, watching some videos, and lying down on the couch, we did it! And it wasn’t that bad – the worst part was the hubs face while watching videos and then after seeing the long needle…). I’m hoping the PIO does what it’s supposed to do, but as I’m typing this, another wave of bad cramping comes.

I’m waiting for 8:00 to come, and I’ll call my doc. I’m sure they’ll ask me to come in, do another ultrasound and bloodwork. And they’ll say that we need to wait and see – I’m almost sure of it. That’s the hardest thing to do – wait and see.

Everything was looking so good…

2011-03-15T14:47:00.000-05:00

Who was I kidding? I was hoping for the perfect, no rollercoaster, nothing to worry about pregnancy. Of course I wouldn’t get it – this is me! Everything has to be so freaking hard! WHY???

I just heard from the doc about my blood levels from this morning’s visit. The hcg looks great – it’s over 5,000 and they don’t even count it once it’s over 5,000. But it has definitely doubled every 48 hours. The estradiol looks good – it’s 1,083. But the progesterone is not good. It’s 5.95. I’m taking Crinone gel twice per day, which should be sufficient. But apparently it doesn’t get into the bloodstream like progesterone in oil does, so they can’t tell if I have enough progesterone getting to the embryo. They want me to switch to PIO, but overlap with the Crinone. So I’ll take Crinone today and tomorrow, as well as PIO, and then only PIO starting Thursday. I haven’t had any spotting, but they want me to change the meds to make sure. Like the nurse said, everything else looks so good, we want to make sure it all works out.

With a frozen transfer, my body isn’t making any progesterone, so we have to supplement it artificially until the placenta takes over. Hopefully this PIO will make the difference, and everything will be ok.

I haven’t done any intramuscular shots before. I’ve heard they’re painful, but I don’t really care. As long as this baby is ok. I told the hubs via email he’s going to have to give me the shots, and he’s never done shots before. He responded, “I can’t do the shots honey.” And I told him, “Yes you can – it’s for your baby. You have to suck it up – I’m sorry.” He didn’t respond, so I asked, “You’re going to do the shots, right?” And he responded, “I will do my best to support you.” Smart man. Wish me luck trying to explain to him how to give me a shot in a way I’ve never done while making sure he doesn’t pass out.

I’m trying to not freak out. I really am. I just really want this baby to survive.

There’s a Sac in My Belly!

2011-03-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

One beautiful sac, a yolk, and the beginning of a pole! I went into my doc’s office this morning for an ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good for 5 weeks, 2 days. I have one perfectly developed sac, no heartbeat, but that will likely be next week. It’s still early for a heartbeat. I’m thrilled that everything looks good. Somewhat nervous, but I’m managing to keep most of the anxiety at bay.

And yet… I hate to say this, but I’m a little disappointed. I really wanted twins. I know this makes me seem ungrateful, but I’m not – I’m thrilled I’m pregnant, and everything looks good so far. I’m just a little disappointed. I’ve always wanted twins, but it’s more than that. I wanted to be done trying to conceive. With the news that there’s one little baby growing inside me, it means that I’m not yet done. We want at least two children, and we’re not going to stop until we have two. And I was really hoping to be done with this one pregnancy. But now I know that even after this pregnancy, I have to go through it again. I’m comforted that we have frozen embryos waiting for us, but still – I hate this part of my life – the trying to conceive part. I want to be done. And now I know that I won’t be done for at least a couple more years.

I hope this makes sense, and I don’t seem like some kind of ungrateful bitch, because that’s how I feel having any negative thoughts on the day that I find out that I have one perfect little sac. But there’s so much history in everything I do in this baby-making front, I can’t help it. OK, I’m done complaining – I won’t bring this up again, but I wanted to be honest about my feelings.

Overall, things are really good. The hubs got out of the shower this morning and looked at me while I was blowdrying my hair. He laughed, and said, “Why are you smiling?” I was just standing there blowdrying my hair, thinking about the baby in my belly, and smiling. I really hope I get to keep this little one – I’m getting quite attached!

Beta #1

2011-03-11T11:33:00.000-06:00

It’s huge – 1,763! As the nurse said, I’m definitely pregnant! I’m technically 19 days past ovulation (when you take into consideration that they transferred 5-day frozen embryos 14 days ago), and so I will be at 5 weeks on Sunday. I looked at the ranges online, and I am definitely on the high end for both single and twin pregnancies. I go in on Tuesday for an ultrasound and more bloodwork – I shouldn’t expect a heartbeat at that stage, but I should be able to see a sac or two… It all seems like it’s happening so fast, but I guess that’s the good thing when your doctor’s policy is to wait 2 weeks after the transfer to do a beta!

I’m so excited. I love that my beta is high – it definitely makes me feel good. I hate to do this, but I immediately pulled up the stats on my last pregnancy, and at 20 dpo, I was 1,525, so I’m already ahead of the last one! I know it doesn’t really mean anything at this point, but I want to find anything I can to feel positive about this pregnancy.

We have so many more steps to go, but the pregnancy is official, and we have begun. Throughout the day, I whisper to my little embryos. Hang on tight, mommy loves you. They keep reminding me that they’re there – the cramping has begun. But good cramping – not the sharp kind. And I haven’t had a lick of spotting. I’ve been nauseous in the evenings all week, but this morning I was nauseous as well. I’m definitely not enjoying eating anything, but I know I need to keep eating to help with the nausea. But so super happy that I’m having these symptoms. I’m just beyond thrilled that I get this chance. Now I need to keep taking care of these little ones and everything will be fine. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself… But I’ll worry about stuff later. Today, I’m celebrating a wonderful beta number!

What a Day!

2011-03-10T00:05:00.001-06:00

5:00am: Alarm goes off - exhausted.

5:45am: Leave with the hubs - go to surgery center

6:00am: Check in, fill out paperwork, hubs go back for surgery

7:30am: Surgery starts - I'm scared. Last night I had a dream that he died in surgery, and then I found out I was pregnant with twins! Woke up this morning petrified!

9:00am: Doctor tells me everything went well.

9:30am: Hubs is starting to wake up, and I get to go back to see him. He's having a really hard time waking up, and when he does wake up, he starts to have a lot of pain.

12:00pm: Finally get cleared to leave. Hubs is still in a lot of pain, but he has figured out that he needs to stop taking the drugs they offer if he ever wants to leave.

12:30pm: Drop off the hubs at home, go get his prescriptions filled, go to store to get clear liquids for him, freak out a bit (cry in car - so overwhelmed by his surgery).

1:30 pm: Change for work, go into work. Do a little work, freak out some more, give up.

4:00pm: Get home, find out the hubs is ok and feeling a little better, wait on him a bit, and chill out in bed with him.

7:00pm: Eat some food. Realize that all week, I can't eat dinner - it's always disgusting. Mention this to the hubs, he urges again to POAS (seriously, when did I become the strong one?). I say no, this goes on for about an hour.

8:00pm: Go to grocery store (forget what I said about being strong). Get annoyed that they don't have FRER in stock. Settle for generic brand.

8:30pm: POAS. Insist that the hubs look at it - I don't want to. He's never looked at one before (I always do it early in the morning before he wakes). He comes out of the bathroom where I had put the stick, and said, "Honey, you're pregnant!" It's the most beautiful, super dark, 2 lined, generic test you have ever seen - with evening urine!

9:00pm: Go to bed. My drugged up husband is happy, but can't show me - he's in too much pain (feel so bad for him!). We watch TV.

11:30pm: Give up on sleeping. Get up, lay on couch, read, finally get up and write this post.

Y'all, I'm pregnant!!! And I can't sleep - too excited!!!

The Power of Comments

2011-03-07T09:21:00.000-06:00

You helped me, you really did. I made it through the baby shower – unscathed – and I owe most of it to my readers’ words. You made me believe in myself that I could get through it, and I did. And the other thing that helped so much is there were a couple moments that were tough during the shower, and I would just grab my phone, and scroll through a few of your comments that you sent me. Knowing all of my infertiles were behind me, cheering me on, helped me get through a tough day. So thank you!!!

The shower went fine – it was pretty quick, not too many people, and I didn’t tear up once. I noticed that I didn’t talk much. I didn’t really have much to add to the conversations all about babies and pregnancy. I was one of two women there without children. And I overheard her tell someone that she just stopped taking birth control, and they were starting to try. Oh great, another one that I’m sure will get knocked up right away. There were four little girls there, ranging from almost-two to six, and they were all so cute and well-behaved. Which actually kind of sucks – I always can rely on one or two kids being so incredibly bratty that they make me question whether I want children or not. But no, all of the girls were on their best behavior and in their little party outfits. Ugh. And my friend opened present after present of cute little boy outfits, matching or coordinating, oh so adorable. As I wrote every present down, I could feel my uterus ache. I want twin boys! Why can’t it be me? OK, I’m done whining…

The good news about the baby shower is I made it through, my friend got a lot of stuff that she needs, and I think everybody had a nice time. And it’s done!

Four more days – I find out on Friday. I’ve been feeling so nauseous the last few days. Everything smells gross, everything tastes gross. I think I’m either a psychosomatic crazy person or pregnant. I think either option is equally possible. And guess who brought up POAS last night – the hubs! I was complaining about being hungry, but not wanting to eat anything, and he offered to go to the store. I asked “what are you going to get that I will want to eat?” He said, “a pregnancy test.” We debated – I told him I would pee on it if he wanted me to. Laziness won out – he didn’t go to the store. Now he’s the one that wants me to pee on something! Well, maybe… I still have my goal of not peeing on anything prior to the blood test. I would love to see a positive result, but I want my four days of positive possibility. You can’t get that back if you pee on a stick, and it’s negative…

Don't know what I was thinking

2011-03-05T15:38:00.000-06:00

I don't know what I was thinking. I offered to host a baby shower for my friend that is having twins (accidentally!!!) a long time ago. It was before my first IVF. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be pregnant by now.

As it got closer, I started to worry about the shower. But I figured I could handle it. I'm strong, right? My friend wanted to do the shower either this weekend or next. Knowing my IVF schedule, I asked for it to be this weekend - tomorrow - instead of next. I have my beta on Friday. I knew that if it was negative, there was no way I could host a shower the next day. I figured that it would be easier during the 2WW. I thought it would be fine, it would be hard, but I could do it.

I needed to go to Target today to get some stuff off my friend's registry, and I asked the hubs to go with me. I explained it was going to be hard, so I really wanted him to come with me. He agreed, and we stopped at Petmart first. When we came out to the car, it wouldn't start! 3 year old car/battery! So while hubs waited for the tow truck, he suggested I walk to Target (not far) and shop without him. I didn't want to go by myself, but it seemed silly. Seriously, why couldn't I print off a registry and buy a couple baby gifts by myself?

I held myself together, but as I wandered the baby aisles, I could feel a lump in my throat start to swell. And then I wanted to get some matching outfits for the 2 boys. As I perused the clothes, it started to get worse. Finally I knew I had to get out of there. I was fine and didn't shed a tear, was pleasant to the cashier who couldn't figure out how to take items off the registry. Held myself together until I saw the hubs. I was pushing my cart toward the car and he asked what was wrong. Suddenly I burst into tears and said, "I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow!"

I really don't. There's going to be at least four kids under five years old, and I think I might be the only non-mom there. At least it's not at my house, but I still am supposed to be hosting. Which means I probably shouldn't be hiding in the bathroom sobbing during the whole thing!

I can't believe I'm doing this. But I thought that I was past this, that I could handle situations like this. Turns out I'm not as strong as I thought. I know I'll make it through. But I also know that it will be one of the hardest things I will have to do.

Grumble, grumble, grumble

2011-03-04T10:43:00.000-06:00

I’m in a bad mood, and I need to get out of it. Things are going fine, but I just feel very grumpy today! I haven’t yelled at anyone – yet – but I really want to. But not for any good reason, I’m just super grumpy.

Other than that, things are fine. I have one week left. One week ago, I did the frozen transfer, and one week from today, I will find out if it took. I have so many feelings swirling around in my crazy head, I don’t even know how to handle them. I don’t know if I feel positive about whether the FET worked, or not. Depends on the minute (not even hour – it’s bad). I do know that I would normally have tested by now, and I haven’t. I have vowed to not pee on anything for these two weeks, and one week is down and I have honored this vow! But I know the hardest time is coming up…

I have all kinds of IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms). Nausea, feeling my breasts are big/tender, etc. I know most of this comes from the progesterone and estrogen that I’m taking. But I also know that even before I started taking all these drugs, I would have IPS. I would absolutely convince myself that I was pregnant, only to have a negative pee stick and eventually AF. I don’t believe that any symptoms prior to a positive test mean anything, and so I try as hard as I can to ignore them. They’re definitely not reliable!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my history, and my diagnoses. It’s all been kind of crap (yes, bad mood is sneaking in). There’s my infertility, and then there are my losses. They’re completely separate – maybe. In three years of trying (1 year in my 20’s, plus the last 2 years), I’ve been pregnant twice. Plus there have been plenty of times in my life that I haven’t been actively trying and haven’t really prevented either, and didn’t get pregnant. Out of countless cycles, I’ve been pregnant twice. One was ectopic, and the other was a miscarriage. As soon as I had the miscarriage in June, I started on this medical journey trying to explain the miscarriage, but I never really allowed for the concept of maybe it was just a fluke. One of those common miscarriages with no explanation. The reason for this is it was so heartbreaking to lose my baby after so much infertility, I want to do everything in my power to avoid a future miscarriage. And so I am doing everything I can – intralipids, Lovenox, aspirin… What else can I do?

I guess my point is I have two problems: infertility, and miscarriage. But miscarriage may not actually be a real problem. Yes, I’ve had one, but I don’t have a pattern of losses. I didn’t do the karyotyping (won’t make that mistake again), so I don’t really have an explanation. But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it was a fluke. Maybe my baby had some kind of problem that caused it to die. Or maybe my body tried to kill it and the Lovenox and intralipids will help with that. But the real problem – the overwhelming problem – in my history is my lack of getting pregnant. So if I actually get pregnant with this FET, if for some reason one or both of those embryos latch on and stay, I need to be happy. Because then I will have succeeded at overcoming the really big problem – getting pregnant.

I have this strange feeling that at some point, this will actually work for me. I have no support for this feeling, as my history certainly doesn’t support it. But I feel like one day, I will give birth to a healthy baby. And that is the only thing that keeps me going. I just want it to happen soon before I go crazy…

And so I wait. One more week. I hope to keep my resolve up and not test before that blood test – oh, it will be hard. Thanks for listening to my rambles. Actually getting some of this out makes me feel better, I’m much less grumpy than when I started writing. And this is why I blog.

Speaking of blogging, yesterday marks one year since my first blog post. I had been watching a few blogs for awhile, and I went through the ectopic without much support. Somehow I knew I needed to tell my story, and make some infertile friends. Because I needed help, I really did. And all of you gave that to me. I feel so very lucky to have you ladies in my life. I can always count on you for some nice words, and for virtual hugs, and I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you.

It’s Done!

2011-02-25T18:30:00.000-06:00

I finally made it through the week, and made it to a fabulous transfer of two beautiful embryos today. It went pretty well. It’s amazing how if you’ve gone through something before, it’s so much easier and much less scary. I just walked in there knowing the routine, and it was definitely easy. I wonder how easy it will be if I keep doing this! Jus t kidding – should try to stay more positive…

We, or I guess I should say I, decided on transferring two embryos. I sent the hubs all kinds of information about the risk of triplets, and he said that yes, it’s scary, but he still wanted to do three embryos. I kept trying to talk to him about it, trying to get him to see my point, but he didn’t. Finally he just told me that it’s my body, I get to make the decision, but he didn’t agree. And so it was. If this doesn’t work, I may go for three…

Last time I was so positive - just so sure it was going to work. And it didn’t. I’ve felt that with IUI’s, and with the IVF. And had overwhelming failure. But this time, I don’t know. I hate to admit that I feel a little hope, but not that much. Maybe that will get me through these two weeks a little easier. Who knows?

A friend in real life told me she heard about the pineapple thing, and then one of the nurses at the office today told me about it, and so, here I am, eating pineapple. Eating one-fourth of a pineapple, including the core, every day for four days, starting the day of transfer. There’s some kind of enzyme in there that is supposed to help with implantation. I always thought it was kind of bogus, but now I’m willing to do just about anything… Aren’t we all?

So here I am, on bed rest until Monday morning, hoping these two little guys grab on and hold on tightly. I have a fabulous weekend planned of cross stitch, organizing paperwork, tax return, and movies. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all kinds of healthy snacks and good food. And the friend that is staying with us and is an amazing cook, and has offered to make dinner sometime this weekend, so that will be nice. They just left for an evening out, which is just fine. I still feel a little off from the Valium (fabulous drug, by the way).

I hope the next two weeks until the beta will go quickly. I still have a lot of work to do, I’m hosting a baby shower next weekend, and the hubs is having outpatient surgery during that time. So I hope all this will keep me distracted, so I can achieve my number one goal: no peeing on anything! For the first time ever, I’m going to try really hard not to pee on ANYTHING!!!! Because I’ve learned nothing good can come from peeing – Nothing! (Yes, I’m trying to convince myself as well…)

So I’ll sign off and start my first order of business for bedrest – reading blogs! I’m so behind! Can’t wait to hear what you lovely ladies are up to…

I Hate Progesterone

2011-02-23T16:17:00.000-06:00

I don’t know why I forget. But every time I take progesterone, I remember that I hate it SO MUCH! I think it’s because I only hate it for a few days, and then I get over it. But a few days after I start taking it, my body freaks out - bad.

I started taking Crinone 8% on Sunday, twice per day. In an FET cycle, the ovaries are pretty much shut down, so they don’t create estrogen or progesterone like they’re supposed to. I’ve been taking estrogen via pills and patches for a couple weeks now, and then I added progesterone. I was fine the first couple days, but last night I was not fine!

I spent from about 3 – 5 am clutching my belly, going back and forth between the bathroom and bed, but not being effective in my bathroom time… I didn’t feel constipated, but I just felt pain and nausea. It hurt so bad – unlike any kind of pain I’ve ever had. Finally about 5 am it subsided a little, and I was able to sleep a little, but only if I was on my stomach in a contorted position and didn’t move. I feel somewhat better today, and I pooped a little after downing a bunch of Metamucil and oatmeal. But I really hope I feel better soon. At least by Friday – the FET Time!!!

I’m so stressed at work. We have a huge deadline of getting some stuff out to the Board of Directors at work for their meeting next week. I told everyone including my bosses that we had to get everything out by the end of the day tomorrow (Thursday). And then my head boss pushed – can’t we send it out on Friday? Um yes, but I won’t be here on Friday to supervise the process of sending it out. So now I have to write detailed lists to people on what exactly to do to get this information to the Board. Yes, I’m a control freak. But this is the Board – it has to be perfect! And do I trust my immediate boss or the guy that works for me to get it right? I don’t know… I wish I was going to be here to do it. And I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done by the time I leave work tomorrow. Oh, and the hubs and I need to move furniture, wash sheets, and clean the house tonight before a friend of ours comes to stay for a week tomorrow. Seriously??? Sometimes it seems like it’s all too much.

Oh yeah, and the hubs told our friend that’s coming that we could go out to dinner with a bunch of people on Saturday night. I had to remind him that I would be on bed rest – sure he could go, but I would be flat on my back. Where have you been, dear hubs? We’ve done this before – no, I can’t just run out and have dinner, silly! Did you forget about all this? Men - ugh!

All I have to say is my body better get used to the progesterone very soon. I will keep drinking the Metamucil and such, and hopefully I won’t have another painful night…

Coming Up for Air

2011-02-21T12:09:00.000-06:00

I feel like I’m coming up for air for the first time in awhile. Things at work are finally slowing down – a bit. I forgot to mention here that we’ve been remodeling at home for the last couple months as well – crazy! But the new carpet is coming today, and that’s the almost final step in the process – all the paint and everything had to be done before the carpet. Plus I’m not allowed to paint anymore after the transfer on Friday…

But things are good. I’m finally trying to think positively about the transfer coming up. It’s weird – I’ve been so incredibly out of it as far as anticipation and excitement for this FET. But it’s coming up faster than I thought – holy crap – it’s almost here. I have so much ambivalence – and fear – about doing this again. I got to the point last week that I really didn’t want to do it. Why can’t we just live without children? I don’t want to go through all the fear and worry of being pregnant. It’s not going to be this magical time that other people get to experience, it’s just not! Why would I want to do this?

I talked for awhile on Friday with my therapist about this. She told me I need to keep telling myself that it’s ok to have the fear. And that I don’t have to continue with the treatments if I don’t want to. I think having someone tell me I don’t have to do it helped. Because my first reaction was that I wanted to do the FET! Maybe receiving permission to quit helped me realize that I didn’t want to quit – yet. I wonder how many more times I can do this. At what point will I stop? The hubs would keep going and going if it were up to him. But it’s not – I get to call most of the shots when it comes to treatments, as it’s my body. I definitely would use all the embryos we have frozen, but would I do another fresh cycle? I don’t know. I can’t really think that far.

I have to say, a frozen cycle is much easier than a fresh cycle. I went in on Friday for another check – my lining is over 13 mm! I started on progesterone yesterday – doing the Crinone gel – gross. And I didn’t realize that I will be on estrogen pills and patches as well as the progesterone until approximately 9 weeks. If I get that far… But overall it’s pretty easy to do this frozen cycle. No more appointments until Friday’s transfer. And then three days of bedrest – which I’m definitely looking forward to.

I got mad at my nurse on Friday. As we were finishing up the ultrasound, she mentioned that another patient was there early who is having a frozen transfer the day before me. The other patient brought up that her estimated due date is around 11/11/11. Are you f’ing kidding me? I didn’t need that kind of information! I still haven’t really figured out the real due date, and it’s WAY too early to start thinking like that. I guess the nurse is excited for me, and wants me to be excited too. Seriously, after seeing her since November 2009 (ugh!), you would think she would stop getting excited. I hate being the patient that knows everyone in the RE’s office…

Wow, got a little grumpy there. I’m actually doing just fine - mostly. It just seems very surreal that I’m going to be knocked up again on Friday. Just a few days away!

Fattening Up

2011-02-17T10:07:00.001-06:00

Here I am, fattening up. Currently receiving my intralipid infusion at home - supposed to be 7-10 days prior to the transfer, and the transfer is 8 days from today! Holy shit, when did that happen? Kind of snuck up on me! So I'm getting my infusion, wondering how this bag of fatty goodness is supposed to make my body not kill a baby. Seriously, how does this work? They say because I have elevated natural killer cells that intralipids will help and decrease my chance of a miscarriage and increase my chances of implantation. I don't get it, and yet this is what I do. I have the fat dripping into my veins, hoping for some sort of protection.

I went into the doc on Tuesday for ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good. My lining is thick - over 8 mm. I go back in tomorrow for another check, I'll likely start the progesterone on Sunday, and then transfer on Friday.

I can't believe I'm here again. I'm starting to slow down a little at work, and that allows me time to think - not always a good thing. I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this? Oh well, guess I threw rational out the window a very long time ago. C'mon, what kind of rational woman puts oil and other fats in their body via an IV???

Just Not Feeling It

2011-02-12T18:52:00.001-06:00

I feel like I haven’t been here in ages, but I’ve been so out of it lately… It’s Saturday evening, I’ve been at work since 8am (Ugh!), will probably be back tomorrow, and I’ve been working like crazy all week – even had a couple 1 am nights… I haven’t worked like this in forever – feel like I’m in public accounting again! I thought I was supposed to be a recovered workaholic! The good news is I still have a job and I didn’t lose anyone that reports to me in my department. The bad news is we have some crazy things accounting-wise going on and it’s yearend… Plus some additional projects – you know, like projecting the savings from the layoffs... And we’re closing down the accounting department at a major subsidiary and me and my group get to take on additional work – fabulous. So needless to say, I’ve been crazy busy, and I’m not sure if it’s going to get better, at least for the next week or so…

But that’s my job life, and what you really want to know about is my TTC life, right? I know, it’s the only thing worth discussing… :) The FET is officially on. I went in on Tuesday to the doc, and the cyst or big follicle or whatever it was is now gone, my levels are suppressed from the BCP, and I’m cleared to start estrogen pills and patches. I go back in on Tuesday to see what’s going on with my lining, and we’re scheduled for a transfer on February 25. Wow – less than two weeks, it doesn’t seem real that we’re going to do this again. I have to say, the break has been good.

My last post was pretty depressing, and I have to thank all of you for your lovely comments. You truly are such wonderful support to me. You understand me in a way that nobody else can, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better. Just so freaking tired. Frankly, all this work stuff is so distracting that I don’t even have time to feel depressed! Just kidding, I know it doesn’t work that way, but I really am feeling better. Just trying to keep going, one foot at a time.

I’m very sad to report that my best friend’s IVF and subsequent (chemical – although I hate that word) pregnancy is now officially over. Her betas kept rising, but at really pitiful rates and numbers, and so finally a few days ago, they stopped the PIO and she’ll likely miscarry. I’m now hoping that this is over for her quickly, and her levels start decreasing, as I really don’t want her to have to deal with an ectopic. We were talking the other day – how is it that both of us had failed IVF’s? Seriously, how did this happen??? This makes me very angry…

But things are ok – hopefully by next weekend I’ll be over the major hump with work, and things will slow down in time for the FET. I HOPE!!! And I have a little hope for the FET working, but not a ton. I’m just not feeling it this time…

Do You Ever Have Those Days?

2011-02-03T10:01:00.000-06:00

Or those weeks? I cannot get happy this week. I don’t know what it is – it’s everything, really. It occurred to me two days ago as I listened to mommies everywhere – it’s never going to happen, I’m not going to be a mother. I’m watching my best friend go through beta after IVF hell. I’ve started to plan my friend’s baby shower for her twins. We’re announcing layoffs today and I’ve been in conversations all week about which of my people we’re letting go. My parents were here last weekend and I’m tired of hearing about how brave I am and it’s ok to give up the fertility fight. I’m just exhausted – everything is too much.

Best Friend: Retrieval was January 13, and her first beta was January 26, so 13 days later. It was 7. Two days later it was 10. Tuesday February 1 it was 26. They’re telling her there’s still a chance, but it’s not looking good. She goes back on Saturday. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, and especially my friend. She’s handling it amazingly well, with a little humor. She’s such an inspiration with her attitude. I try to be positive with her, but in my heart I know these numbers are bad, and there’s very little hope. Breaks my heart – I feel like I’m going through it with her.

Baby Shower: My good friend, the one that I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes after finding out she accidentally got pregnant – again. The one who sits right outside my office, talking about her twin pregnancy constantly, the one who rubs her belly constantly – SHE WILL NOT STOP!!! And also the one who has been there for me every step on this fertility journey. Anyway, as soon as she found out she was having twins, I offered to organize a shower for her. Usually I scoff at showers for second babies, but because it’s twins, and they really don’t have much money, I think she should have a shower. I offered before I did IVF – didn’t even occur to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. She offered to do it at her house as she may or may not be on bed rest, so at least I don’t have to do that. And to give her complete credit, she recently asked very pointedly if I still wanted to do the shower – if it would be too much for me to handle. And I said I wanted to do it. So this is my choice. There really won’t be much for me to do, it will be very simple, but still, I can’t imagine how painful this will be. We were figuring out dates, and she really wanted it March 12. That would be the day after my beta for the FET, assuming the current schedule holds up. I asked her to change it to a week earlier – I can’t imagine finding out I’m not pregnant, and then hosting a baby shower the next day… So it will be during the 2WW. At least that will be easier than right after beta… Stay tuned…

Layoffs today: It’s going to suck – enough said.

Parents: My dad and step-mom were here last weekend, and they were great. They are so supportive and asked about what we are doing in the process. They kept talking about how brave we were, and how happy we seemed, and how everything was wonderful. I just sat there nodding and saying thanks, but in my head I was screaming. How do they not know the pain I’m going through? Why can’t I share it with them? Don’t they know how hard this is? And of course they know – that’s why they were saying what they were saying. It just was a weird experience. All I wanted to do was melt and start crying, and instead I looked happy and went along with the farce. My dad kept talking about how easy the adoption process could be – all you have to do is find someone who wants to give up their baby and just do a private adoption! Yes dad, I’m glad that’s how you remember it, but my mom remembers it being a lot more difficult. And I was 4 years old when I was adopted – perhaps that was easier logistically. But a baby… A little more difficult to find. He kept encouraging me to stop the fertility treatments and simply adopt. If only it was that simple.

And the worst part is this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I don’t know why – I should be starting the FET process next week, assuming the BCP’s have done what they’re supposed to do, and the doc says I have good chances. But I just have this feeling it’s not going to work. I wish I were more positive, and maybe I’ll get better once I get into the process. But I feel very discouraged and overwhelmed, not understanding why we’re even trying. I know we will, and I feel like we have to keep trying because I don’t want to feel any sense of regret for not trying, but for some reason, this week I feel like it’s futile.

I keep trying to pretend to be happy, but I feel this sadness coming over me. I can fake it most of the day but every once in awhile it just overwhelms me, and I have to talk myself out of it. I want to break down, but I can’t. I have to keep going – I have too much to do, and have to get through this layoff announcement, and just keep going. I hope I have some time by myself this weekend, but I fear that the hubs will want to work on the house or something. And all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I know I’ll feel better at some point, and I’ll be back to my positive self soon. But I’ve had depression in the past, and one of the things I’m supposed to do when I’m feeling depressed is acknowledge my feelings. So here I am, acknowledging that today, I feel depressed. Thanks for letting me share.

FET – Postponed

2011-01-27T09:33:00.002-06:00

First, I want to thank you all so very much for the sweet comments about my little one’s due date coming and going. You are the only people in my life that get it. You understand what it’s like to long for someone who isn’t there, and have it cloud everything in your life. So thank you, I cherish each and every one of you.

On Tuesday, I not only had the due date of my baby, but I also had an ultrasound and blood work to determine how I was reacting to the Lupron. It had been eight days since I started the Lupron, so they expected me to be nice and suppressed, and started my period already or very soon. In the ultrasound, they could tell that something was wrong. I had a beautiful follicle developing, about 15 mm! This isn’t supposed to be there! The nurse said that the blood work will tell us what’s really going on, and they’ll let me know what to do. Well, the blood work shows my hormones were raised, not suppressed. They expected the estradiol to be below 60, and instead it was 308. Basically I had the complete opposite reaction to Lupron than most people – instead of getting my period and suppressing everything, it stimulated everything and I was about to ovulate! I was instructed to stop taking Lupron, and start BCP’s. Hopefully these will suppress me sufficiently, and I will be able to start the estrogen patches and pills in 2 weeks when I go back, and do the FET on or around February 25. Which would be awesome (not exactly) – we have a friend coming and staying with us for a week, and he’ll be here during my three days of bed rest. Oh well, you do what you have to do, right? I told the hubs he could have a guy’s weekend – kind of. He reminded me that coming home to a lonely emotional woman stuck in bed is not the ideal guy’s weekend…

The hubs is more concerned than me about the Lupron reaction, it seems. He keeps asking why I reacted this way to Lupron, and I have no answers. I’ve done a little googling, and I can’t find any other stories of people stimulating on Lupron. This doesn’t make him happy. We probably should ask the doctor, but it takes a few weeks to get an actual appointment with the doc, and I’d rather wait to see if the BCP’s suppress me enough. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t do the BCP’s first before Lupron, because I was impatient and just wanted to go forward with the FET. Who knows. I’m just glad to be off Lupron – I am not a fan! I was feeling all kinds of rage (I yelled at the remote control on Saturday), and it gave me huge headaches and I couldn’t sleep. Last night was my first decent night of sleep in a week – it was wonderful!

I’m annoyed about the two week delay, but not that upset. Another two weeks where I can live my life, and not stress or freak out, and not worry? Doesn’t sound so bad. Awful, isn’t it? This is where I am, I feel like I’m in a huge rush to have a baby, and yet I don’t really want to do it, because it’s just so darn hard!

Missing You

2011-01-25T10:17:00.000-06:00

Today is the due date of my baby that I lost in June. I had five wonderful weeks with my little one – five weeks from the time I got my BFP to the time I had the ultrasound and there no longer was a heartbeat. My baby died at 8 ½ weeks, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t remember him.

I wish I could go back, I wish I could relive that time. I’m afraid that I never will have a time of pure and complete joy in another pregnancy. Because now I know what can happen. After I knew it wasn’t ectopic like my first, I was thrilled beyond belief. I thought I was going to have a baby in January. I was so happy, and couldn’t wait to meet my little one.

It’s been hard watching my bloggy friends have their babies. I have quite a few bloggy friends that have had their babies in the last month, and a couple more to go, all of which were my early pregnancy buddies. They are still my friends, and I’m thrilled that they are now (or soon will be) mothers. But I can’t help but think about the times we had when I was also pregnant right alongside them.

As I embark on my first FET cycle, I’m feel… I don’t know. I thought I would be pregnant by now. I thought there wouldn’t be any way that I would have this due date come and pass without succeeding at one of our treatments since. But here I am. And I don’t have a lot of hope for the upcoming FET, I just feel like it’s something I must do. All I feel today is sadness and longing for my baby that I lost in June. He was the one – he was supposed to be my child. And for some reason my body rejected him. But I will always remember him, as he taught me what it feels like to be a mother.

Calling All Good Thoughts!!!

2011-01-19T11:44:00.000-06:00

All right, ladies. I need some help. Please send all the positive vibes you have to California… My best friend in real life just transferred three embryos yesterday, and I’m really hoping at least one sticks!

I first talked about my friend last April here, when I was proud to announce I am an IF mentor. She started her IF treatments last year with Clomid, and unfortunately, it didn’t work. Based on her age (she’ll be 41 in March), her RE suggested that she pass up IUI’s and go straight to IVF. She was so excited to be going through IVF around the same time as me (she thought that meant we will have babies at the same time…). But it’s been nice to have gone through it, and be able to give her advice as she started shots, did the procedures, etc.

She responded amazingly for a 40 year-old woman. She had 19 eggs, 17 of which fertilized, 10 of which made it to 5 day transfer. She had 3 embryos transfer (recommended for 40+ years old), and 7 may be frozen, depending on what they look like today. I spoke with her last night, and she’s over the moon – so excited! And I’m excited for her!

I really hope this works. I would rather it work for her than me – I have more time. I have always felt bad about talking about my age issues when talking to her – she’s 5 years older than me and she reminds me of this constantly! She’s been such a good friend to me for such a long time, and she has been great through my infertility struggles. She even sent me flowers when I had the miscarriage in June.

When I found out we were going through IVF together, I bought matching fertility bracelets for the two of us. Although I haven’t been successful with IVF (YET!), I really hope this works for her. There’s something in the back of my head that needs it to be successful for her. I don’t know how to explain it, but I think I’ll be happier for her success than mine! I guess part of it is because I’ll be so nervous during my own pregnancy based on my history, and I have no reasons to be nervous for her – she’s never been pregnant.

We both have a dream of being pregnant together, and raising babies together. (We don’t even live in the same state, we rarely see each other, but we talk at least 1-2 times per week.) As soon as she heard my FET transfer date (February 11), she immediately figured out that we will be a month apart. I’m so afraid of any other result than both of us getting pregnant. I’m afraid of what it will do to our friendship – although I know we’re strong enough friends to handle it, I hope we don’t have to! But if it has to be either one of us that gets pregnant, instead of both, I hope it’s her. I really do. So please gather all the positive sticky healthy baby vibes you can muster, and send them to California. Send her peaceful 2WW vibes, and maybe me too. I feel like I’m in a 2WW too!

FET – it’s on!

2011-01-17T16:26:00.001-06:00

Thanks ladies, for all your wonderful comments. You were very helpful. I was a good girl and told the nurse all about it this morning at my appointment – I had sex on Friday (day 16), egg whites the next day, took OPK’s on Saturday and Sunday and they were negative, all the details. I started the conversation, “I have a confession. I had sex.” She was so nice, and very professional about it. She assured me that other people have done much worse (like some of you said!). And then she was the one to tell the doctor. Based on my bloodwork, and the ultrasound, and my history (been going to him for 15 months – all this history is finally worth something!), the doctor concluded there’s no way I’m getting pregnant this cycle, and I should start the FET cycle. Wow – this is the first time in a very long time that I’m happy about someone telling me there’s no chance I could get pregnant…

So tonight I take 20 units of Lupron, do this for 5 days, decrease it to 10 units on Saturday, and come in to the clinic on the 25th unless I get a period earlier. I’m very excited to do this FET. I think it will be much easier than the fresh cycle, and maybe my body will be more receptive without all those stimming drugs.

Now I have a few more weeks to keep going on my weight loss plan. I haven’t lost a ton of weight (7 pounds from my heaviest in my December IVF cycle, 3 pounds since January 1), but I’ve been walking for 40-50 minutes for at least three times per week. And I’ve been tracking everything I’ve been eating. These were my two biggest goals, and I think the exercise is already shifting some of the weight around, as some of my pants are feeling looser. On Friday, I put on a pair of jeans and was horrified that they were so tight – I didn’t understand it, but I wore them anyway. It took half a day to realize they were a pair of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in a probably a year since they are a size smaller than my regular jeans… Pretty cool!

So things are good – I have found that my attitude is great if I’m doing something good for my body, like exercising and watching my food. And I’m really working hard at handling everything like an adult. And you ladies were also right – the fact that we could have sex with abandon speaks volumes for how we’re doing… I can’t believe I was able to forget!

So Stupid!

2011-01-15T10:53:00.000-06:00

When we discussed our plan for the FET, the doc said the general protocol is to start BCP’s when you’re period starts, start Lupron around day 17-19, then have a period, start estrogen for your uterine lining to get thick, 17 days after that, do a transfer. We had the appointment with the doctor on day 12. I asked if we needed to wait until the next cycle, and he said no. We could start Lupron this cycle, if we assured him we weren’t pregnant. We hadn’t even had sex this month – of course I could assure him this!

And then… last night, we had some drinks, and in a moment of foolishness, we had sex. In the moments after, as I was in post-sex bliss, the hubs asked, “Is the doctor going to be mad at us?” Oh crap – I forgot! I had told the hubs after our appointment on Monday, either we try naturally this month, which would be the next couple of days, or we just go for the FET. Neither of us have any confidence in us conceiving naturally – this has never happened. So the hubs calmed me down last night by reminding me that it’s too late – yesterday was day 16. I’ve never ovulated past day 14.

But I just went to the bathroom, and found copious amounts of EWCM. I didn’t have any all week – just creamy stuff, but it never reached the point of egg whites. I’ve heard that semen can look like cervical fluid, but 12 hours later? At that point it’s all liquefied, right? I just did some research – Lupron causes birth defects – don’t get pregnant while on Lupron. I’m supposed to start Lupron on Monday.

I know your advice is to ask my doctor, but I don’t want to – I’m embarrassed to ask! I can’t believe we did something so stupid. And it’s probably going to delay us a month. I’m 99% confident that we won’t get pregnant – it’s too late, my chances are slim to none that it will work, but what if it does? What if this EWCM means I haven’t ovulated yet? Crap!!!

WTF Appointment

2011-01-11T15:19:00.000-06:00

I had my WTF appointment with the RE (WTF – why didn’t I get pregnant?). It went well. I asked the RE about why the IVF didn't work, and he said it's just based on probabilities. He said that with each blastocyst transferred, we have a chance of about 50% that it will implant. So with 2 blasts, we had about a 75% chance. But we just fell on the 25% side. I asked if the Lupron trigger could have decreased the chance of implantation, and he said it could, but with the additional progesterone and estrogen I took, it shouldn't make a difference. I also asked about the chances of a FET compared to a fresh cycle. He said that FET's used to be worse, but now with the super fast freezing method (vitrification) they have success rates similar to fresh. The hubs asked about transferring 3, and the doc wouldn’t object to it, but didn’t think it was necessary – it’s up to us.

So we’re on for a frozen cycle. The plan is to start Lupron Monday – wow, that’s close! And then get a period around the 26th, add estrogen to build my uterine lining, and the transfer around February 11. It’s not a great time to do the transfer at work, but I may not have a job by then anyway (doubt it, but still), and I’ve learned a long time ago not to prioritize my job when it comes to stuff like this…

The hubs is pushing for 3 embryos. I told him I would think about it. I know it would increase our chances, but what if they all take? Sounds super scary – triplets? I know, it’s better than none, but really? I don’t know – must think about it.

I have to tell you guys about the resolution of the fight with the hubs on Friday. I’ve been going to therapy for over a year, and she keeps telling me to stay in my adult when having fights, or in communicating difficult stuff with the hubs. She said I really need to practice this especially before I become a mother. It’s true, this woman at work told me yesterday about the fight she got in with her son and how much she yelled and cussed at him – I definitely don’t want to be that kind of mother!

So after receiving the email, “I think we should wait a year before doing anything else,” I waited. I didn’t respond to him. I posted about it on my blog. And I thought. “What would my therapist say? Stay in my adult. What does this mean???” And so I thought some more. He emailed me later about something else, I responded calmly – no snide comments. And then I went home and coached myself, “Stay in your adult. Remain calm.” And I did. The hubs came home, and I was nice. Not overly nice, but adult, and calm. We got in the car to meet others, and he just kept talking about random stuff. Historically, things like this would blow over. OR I would get angry, and it would escalate into a huge fight. I didn’t want to either one of these – this is not what my therapist has taught me to do! And so at a lull in the conversation, I took a deep breath and very calmly said, “I don’t like the way you handled that email today.” And you know what he said? I was so shocked! He said… “I’m sorry.” No big explanation, no defensive behavior, no blaming me. Just “I’m sorry.” Amazing – he never apologizes! Seriously, never! So I said, “Thank you,” and we moved on our merry way. Everything was fine. And I’m so incredibly proud of myself for handling the hubs little temper tantrum well. This alone is something to be happy about!

Well, that and the fact that we’re starting again with treatments… I hate waiting!

Not-so-fun Online Predictor of IVF Success

2011-01-07T11:59:00.002-06:00

Want to know if IVF will work for you? You like taking quizzes? Then this is for you. Some Brits created a handy little online quiz which will predict your success at IVF. You can find it here. I hate it.

I put in my stats for my first IVF, and it said I had a 29% chance. My second will have a 17.6% chance. I don’t like these numbers. I liked my doctor’s crazy optimism that I was an “easy case” – except after my IVF failed… Then I didn’t like it anymore. Apparently not so easy. According to the SART report, my clinic has 49% of retrievals resulting in live births, and 53% of transfers resulting in live births for my age group. I liked those numbers enough to go forward with IVF, but now I don’t – I don’t really believe any of it. Oh, and I just had the pleasure of seeing the percent of transfers of frozen embryos resulting in live births is 21% for my clinic. Fan-freakin-tastic. So what is it really? Slim to none?

Oh and will someone remind me to not talk to my husband about anything related to IVF unless it’s absolutely necessary? I knew this before, but things have been going really well with us lately so I just did something stupid. I sent the link above to him, and told him the 29% and 17.6% chance numbers. He responded via email, “Dumb – another thing you found to be pessimistic – good job.” And I responded, “Really? You converted this into insulting me? Unbelievable.” (which was dumb – I should have just ignored it) And he responded, “You are unbelievable. I think we should wait a year before we do anything else.” And then he declined the outlook invitation I had sent him for the WTF appointment with the doctor on Monday.

Before anyone (besides me) freaks out, please know – this isn’t real. He’s not really saying that we should wait a year. He’s throwing a temper tantrum. He’s done it before, and he’ll do it again. I just talked with my therapist a couple days ago about communicating with the hubs. I know I can’t change him, but I can change how I respond to him. A year ago, I would have burst into tears (ok, I’ll admit, I just cried a little), and sent back an email continuing the fight, saying pissy things. Maybe something dramatic like “I can’t believe you immediately jump to calling everything off – don’t be ridiculous.” Or even, “I don’t need you anyway – we now have frozen embryos that I can use!” (Of course, he does have to sign consent forms… Don’t hate me because I’ve thought about this.) My therapist calls this being an adolescent. She tells me to stay in my adult. React in a rational adult way. I have to figure out how to do this. Right now, I don’t trust myself to respond. And so I don’t.

I know this will blow over – it always does – but I didn’t want this today. And so I move on with my life. I’m working like crazy, expecting a layoff, looking forward to Monday’s doctor appointment (I can go by myself – been to plenty by myself), and trying to make it through January without thinking too much of my sweet baby’s estimated due date coming up in a couple weeks. Other than that, now I have to figure out how to resolve this stupid husband thing…

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T09:35:00.001-06:00

As I look back at 2010, my first thought is to think of the bad things, primarily related to my infertility: 3 IUI’s, 1 IVF, 1 ectopic pregnancy, 1 miscarriage at 8 ½ weeks, 1 MTHFR diagnosis, 1 activated NK diagnosis, no baby...

But I need to also focus on the good things of 2010:

-The hubs new job. He’s loving it, and if he likes his job, he’s a happy man. This has been really nice.

-Came out to most close people in my life about infertility. And most everyone has been pretty supportive. It has brought my mother and me closer, which is amazing in itself. And I’ve even started talking about my reproductive issues with my dad, and he’s been so sweet about it.

-Fabulous European vacation. 4 countries, great friends to vacation with, really good times.

-Closer with the hubs than ever before. All this infertility stuff really has helped us learn to talk to each other, or at least we’re trying.

-Started this blog. I can’t thank all of you enough for your support, and your willingness to listen to my crazy ramblings. I NEVER thought I would have a blog, but here I am, and I love it!

And so now I look forward to 2011:

This will be the year that I will get in charge of my weight. I will start treating my body well, and nourish it with good foods. And I will start exercising regularly. I will turn 36 this year. It is time for me to take care of this body! I have been neglecting it, and right now I’m angry at it for not working. I expect so much of my body that I need to be nicer to it. I’m not really doing any kind of weight loss goals, because who knows what will happen with fertility treatments and hopefully pregnancy. But no matter what, I will exercise. And eat good nutritious foods.

My job will be changing. I’m about 90% confident that there will be significant layoffs by the end of January. We’re all guessing it will be between 20%-50% of the company, and I’m guessing more like 30-40%. I’m also about 90% confident that I won’t lose my job, but I am about 100% confident that I will be losing some of the people that work for me, which would seriously suck. I’ve been here for 2 layoffs, and my job hasn’t really changed that much, but I think that this one will change my job a lot. The one person that really needs to leave is my direct boss, as he does just about nothing, and makes a ton of money. Seriously, from about 4 to 6 every day, he reads the paper. And from 8-10 every morning, he goes around and talks to people socially. He doesn’t have any work to do! We need to keep the “do-ers” and get rid of some of our upper people, but we don’t seem to do that. This will be the fourth layoff at our company since January 2007, and we tend to keep the VP’s, and get rid of the staff. In football, that would be the equivalent of firing all the waterboys and the guys on the bench if the team does poorly, instead of getting rid of the coach! So this will be interesting to see what happens.

We will continue to be as aggressive as possible with fertility treatments. We now have insurance with the hubs new job that pays for fertility up to $25K, and we’re going to bleed that dry. I spent about 3 hours yesterday working on my medical expenses for 2010, as we’ll be able to deduct them this year for the first (and hopefully last) time. Makes me sick how much all this costs. I would love to have a new year’s resolution about having a baby, or getting pregnant, or something. But I did that last year. And it didn’t work. This year, I will only make a resolution or goal with something I can control. And I can choose to keep going with fertility treatments. Statistically, if we keep trying, one of these times it will work, right? That’s the only thing that is keeping me going.

So as I look back to last year, and think about the next year, I’m not happy with 2010. It was hard, and I went through too much. I always knew it would be hard to have a baby – not because of anything in particular, but I just KNEW. But this hard? I had no idea. But this is just what we have to do to have our baby. For some reason, we have to go through all of this. And so we will.

I hope all of you have a wonderful New Year’s Eve tonight! We will be celebrating with friends at a small house party. I will be kissing the hubs and drinking champagne and having hope that 2011 will be a wonderful year for all of us!

Christmas Recap

2010-12-28T17:01:00.000-06:00

As much as I was dreading this weekend – the negative test, then staying at home by myself while the hubs went to his family for Christmas Eve, then Christmas morning by myself, and then Christmas evening with the hubs, it all turned out pretty well.

The hubs was great. I think he knew he needed to above and beyond with niceness, and he did. He was nice Friday morning after the negative HPT (I had told him exactly what to say if the test was negative – he’s pretty decent with a script), and he went above and beyond with nice comments throughout the weekend. I made it Christmas Eve by myself very well, thanks to my friends who took me out for a drink. I had a lovely martini (just one – what if I was pregnant??? I hate the game of hope…) and then went home, another friend called me knowing I was alone, and then went to bed early. Saturday morning I woke up and just cleaned stuff up around the house, not really having anything to do. The hubs bought the Logitech Revue thing for us, and also bought one for his family, and both have cameras. So he set it up at his parent’s house on Christmas Eve, and they called me on Christmas morning to test to make sure it worked. So we had a little webcast when I was by myself, and I watched everyone having breakfast together. I hated that part. Originally the hubs had offered that they would open presents at his parents and I could watch on a webcast. I told him that sounded like an awful idea – there’s no way I’m sitting by myself and watching him and his family open presents. So he changed the plan.

That afternoon, I picked him up at the airport, and by 5:00 pm, we were back at home and called his family. For the next hour, we watched them open presents via webcast, at least the presents we got them, and they watched us open the presents they got us. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. I was a big scrooge about most of it up until then, but as long as the hubs was with me, it wasn’t too bad. His grandma kept asking, “why are we doing it like this?” One uncle kept asking us if we wanted him to fix us a drink. Everyone thought it was bizarre that we wouldn’t be there for Christmas, especially considering the hubs was there that morning! Whatever – I don’t really care what they think of me. I won’t have to see most of them until next Christmas, and the ones that I will see soon know what’s going on. I just wish that staying home for Christmas was worth it. Now I scrooged up Christmas AND I’m not even pregnant…

After we hung up the webcast, we had our own Christmas, which was really nice. We’ve never done this. In seven years together, we’ve never had a private Christmas, and I really liked it. The hubs completely spoiled me. As always, we agreed on a dollar limit, and as always he went completely over the limit. I was very good throughout the whole Christmas – didn’t cry in front of him – except once. He gave me a little cardboard book for babies – Doggies – a counting and barking book. He has never once bought anything for a baby since we’ve been trying. We have a few things, but I’ve purchased them all. For him to have bought something for a baby… I’m sure he thought I’d be pregnant by Christmas too. This was hard to unwrap.

After unwrapping gifts, I made dinner. And using the word “made” is a stretch. I took out the honey-baked ham (LOVE!) from the refrigerator, and took out a couple frozen sides from the same store and popped those in the oven, and steamed some green beans, and served it all with store-bought rolls. It was fabulous, and took about as much effort as I could bear. And that’s about it. We just chilled out the rest of the weekend, and I had the day off yesterday, which involved going to the doctor for a negative pregnancy test – good times. And now I’m back at work.

I’m so happy to have Christmas over and done with. I had such high hopes that I would be happy and pregnant this Christmas, and I wasn’t. But it was as good as it possibly could have been. I’m proud of the way I handled myself during most of the weekend. I didn’t even have any meltdowns in front of the hubs, and we’ve been getting along great. After receiving the news yesterday and the order to stop the meds, we even had sex for the first time in a LONG time (between the hysteroscopy and restrictions after that to IVF and the restrictions after that – a very long time). I don’t know what we’ll be doing for New Year’s, but I have a feeling it will involve drinks – a lot of drinks. And I’m very happy to start another year – I’m so done with 2010.

Today is beginning my weight loss plan. No real rules, but each week I will pick something to add. This week I’m tracking everything that goes in my mouth. I usually try to do this, and stop very soon. But today, I’m starting and sticking with it! I have the Lose It! app on my iphone, and it’s very easy to use, so I’m doing it today. Not really sticking to a certain amount of calories, but just writing everything down. Plus I find that anytime I do this, I definitely think about it before I put things in my mouth… Babysteps… Usually when I try to lose weight, I go super big, and then crash and burn. So this week, all I’m doing is writing everything down.

I just have to do something that makes me feel better about myself. Because right now, after doing the biggest, most dramatic type of reproductive procedure, and it not working, I’m not feeling very good about myself… I know I’ve tried as hard as I could, and I did everything I could, but I feel like such a failure. My body couldn’t keep two perfect embryos alive. And I can’t help but feel like once again, I’ve failed.

Officially Over

2010-12-27T14:49:00.001-06:00

I just got the call. My beta officially proved that I'm not pregnant - IVF #1 didn't work. I'm not surprised, I had given up on Friday when I tested negative, but I hate how optimistic and hopeful I can be, because I kept playing out fantasies in my head, what if I was wrong??? And so all weekend, and especially today, I still hoped. I hate this about me, that I can work myself up and continue to have hope even when all evidence points the other way. I guess this is what keeps me going through all this mess.

I need to schedule a consult with my doc, and I suppose we'll just go forward with a frozen transfer. I have to wait a month to do this, right? I think people usually have a cycle that's unmedicated before going forward with frozen, right?

The problem with going forward with frozen is it's less successful than fresh, and I keep getting older, and then what Dr. Sher said keeps coming up in my head. He said that given my LH levels are higher than my FSH levels on day 3, he recommends Lupron before stimming, and if you don't do this, it could affect egg quality. My local doc doesn't agree, but what if it's true? The 9 frozen embryos wouldn't be any better than the 2 that didn't make it, and they were fresh!

All I know is I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant. I know I have a few more rounds of this battle in me, but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. We just did the most effective thing you can do to have a baby, and it didn't work. I know we have to just keep going and continue to try, but for how long? I wish I knew this was worth it, because today I'm not so sure.

No Christmas Surprise...

2010-12-24T11:54:00.000-06:00

Well, my first IVF is over. Tested negative this morning. At 17 days past retrieval, and 12 days past transfer, I think we can call it. I have the beta on Monday, but please don't tell me I should have any hope - I just can't do that this weekend. It's too far gone for that.

Dropped the hubs off at the airport, and will be wallowing today for Christmas Eve... Actually a friend just called and he and his girlfriend are taking me out for a drink later. So that will be good. I'm handling it pretty well, only cried a little. I told myself this morning before I took the test that I'm strong, and I can handle anything that comes my way... I just really wish this wasn't it.

I Have a Confession

2010-12-22T15:57:00.000-06:00

No, I haven’t tested. Not since I told the hubs I wouldn’t – on Monday. I’ve been doing really well – both yesterday and today. Anyone that asked, online or IRL, I would tell them that I won’t find out until next week, but I don’t think it worked. At some point, I started questioning why I’m fine, how am I handling this so well? I’m not upset, I’m not even sad, or anything! I don’t get it!

And then, finally, I sat down and thought about it. And realized that sometime between Monday night and now, I changed my mind. I have hope again. I’m not upset, because I think I’m pregnant. I think this worked – I feel these embryos inside of me, and I’m looking forward to the beta so I can confirm that I’m pregnant.

This is not what I needed – I shouldn’t have hope. I know the stats, and I know the likelihood of getting a negative on 13 days past retrieval and still being pregnant are slim. But there’s hope!!! And stupid, silly me… I’m hoping. And setting myself up for disappointment…again.

I have a plan. I’m going to test on Friday. With a FRER. I told the hubs I was going to do it. I’ll be 17 days past retrieval, and 12 days past transfer. It will be effective, right? And if it’s negative, I’m going to call it. I’m just going to accept whatever it says. And I will be having a drink on Christmas Eve if it’s negative. Not because I really need one, but in my mind, that’s the truest form of accepting it’s negative. I’ll have a caffeinated latte in the morning, and wine in the evening – all my forbidden splurges…

Welcome, ICLW!

2010-12-21T10:42:00.000-06:00

Here we are, in December. Oh what a year. The quick recap for this year: 3 IUI’s, the first turned into an ectopic pregnancy, the second I got pregnant, and I lost my dear baby at 8 ½ weeks, and the third IUI was a BFN. I’m in the middle of the THREE week wait of my first IVF – today is 9 days past 5 day transfer. Beta next Monday. Started the year off as unexplained infertility, have been diagnosed with compound heterozygous for MTHFR and activated Natural Killer cells.

Those are the stats – now the real stuff is I’m not feeling very optimistic about my chances with this IVF. I had a testing fiasco this weekend, and the last test was yesterday, at 13 days past retrieval, 8 days past a 5 day transfer. And they were all negative. The hubs and I got into a big fight about it, and I agreed to not test any more.

I appreciate everyone’s comments about testing. It really is beneficial to hear about other people’s experiences and research. I had a long talk about it with my therapist last night, and then shared your comments and my therapist’s opinion with the hubs last night when I got home. He has such a hard time with sharing his feelings – just like a lot of men out there. He is still very optimistic, and he wants to trust our doctor – if the doctor says we can’t know until this weekend at the earliest, then that’s the way it is. So I told him he could be optimistic, but I didn’t have to be. It’s too hard to have hope, and then have my hopes dashed – that was what was happening with the testing – I was cycling through hope and despair several times a day! Every morning, I’d wake up real early, and think “today could be the day, I could find out I’m pregnant. Oh, what if it’s true, what if I’m pregnant? I really want to find out!” And then I would test, and then it would be negative, and I’d be crushed. And then later in the day, I’d convince myself that it was too early, that maybe tomorrow it will be positive. I can’t do this anymore. With the help of my therapist, I’ve decided that I’m just going to try to accept that this cycle didn’t work. It’s too hard otherwise. And if by some chance I get a beta on Monday that says otherwise, it will just be a wonderful surprise. (By the way, I called the nurse yesterday afternoon and begged for an early beta. They’re closed on Thursday and Friday, and they really believe Wednesday is too early – no more explanation than that.)

Somehow after changing my mindset, I feel better today. I didn’t test, and the hubs hadn’t even hid my tests. And I didn’t really want to test either. I may try to convince the hubs that we should test on Friday morning before he leaves. But I may wait until Monday. We’ll see. For now, I’m sad, and that’s ok too. We have plans for the future – I have nine frozen embryos waiting for me. But somehow I’ll make it through this week, and start really planning for the future next week, whatever future that may be.

Let’s Start Over

2010-12-20T14:07:00.002-06:00

Thanks to everyone for your nice comments about my testing escapades. Let’s face the facts – I tested too early. And kept testing. Tested again today – negative. And I completely worked myself into a tizzy. Which led to expressing my negative thoughts. Which led to a fight with the hubs – it was bad. “Alex, I’m sick of dealing with your negativity, for two fucking years!” Ah yes dear, we’re both sick of infertility, we’re both sick of dealing with this, and we’re both sick of my negativity. Maybe I should have shared more of the positivity I had last week…

So after the blow-up this morning, and lots of tears on my part, I wrote him an email. The subject was “You’re right” (always a good way to start out an email, or any conversation after a fight). And then I said, “I shouldn’t have tested so early. Tonight I’ll give you my remaining tests and you should hide them. And I won’t buy any more. I test early to try to prevent the meltdown at work and try to get used to the idea that it won’t work over time, but I should instead assume everything’s ok and I’m pregnant until the doctor says otherwise. I’ll try to do this. OK?” And he said OK.

And then I went to the doctor to get my blood drawn, just to have my hormone levels OTHER than hCG monitored (everything looks fine). And they said my official blood test won’t be until 14 days after the transfer, which would be the 26th, but they’re closed then so come in on the 27th. Are you freaking kidding me??? I have to wait another week??? I know that there are other clinics that do this, but I didn’t think mine would create so much torture in my life! I really thought I would know, for sure, at Christmas. I figured that I would spend Christmas Eve by myself in one of two ways: (1) pregnant, gently holding my belly and talking to my embryos, maybe lighting some candles and having a nice evening looking at the Christmas tree and dreaming of next Christmas with my baby(ies), or (2) not pregnant, drunk as a skunk, on the floor sobbing into my dogs' fur… Now I get to spend the time trying to keep myself from tearing the house apart trying to find the HPT tests, or going to the store, and breaking my promise to the hubs. Good times.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. Unbelievable torture! In other news, I’ve had a headache since Saturday. I took two Tylenol yesterday, and it didn’t help. My boobs have hurt since Friday. And today I started feeling nauseous. I would feel great about these “symptoms” except the image of that glaring white space next to the one line on the test keeps popping up in my head. And the fact that I know that all this progesterone and estrogen I’m taking can play some serious mind tricks. And the fact that I know I’ve done this to myself before – completely convinced myself that I was pregnant based on stupid symptoms, and then found out it was all in my head. And the worst question - how can I have these symptoms when I obviously don't have enough hCG in my system to register on a pee stick? I wish I could fast-forward a week. I don’t care about Christmas, I don’t care about anything, I just want it to be next Monday, and receive that call from the nurse telling me I’m pregnant, and my hCG numbers are super high!

It was going to be today

2010-12-19T08:55:00.000-06:00

But it’s not. Today was going to be the day I tested, and saw a BFP. Today was going to be the day, at 12 days past retrieval, that it was a decent chance that I would see a BFP. As you could tell from my previous post, I’m a freak about POAS – we all know this. And I start testing too early. After getting all your responses (which by the way, are all over the map - just goes to show you we all have different experiences…) and looking at many different blogs where the ladies tested very soon after transfer and received positive tests, I tested. On Friday. At 5dp5dt. BFN, but that was ok. I didn’t believe it. I got up yesterday and was going to test again, but all my boxes of pregnancy tests were empty! When did that happen? I scrambled through my stuff and found some internet cheapie OPKs, so I used one of those – negative. But that was ok, I didn’t believe it.

But today, I woke up early, peed in a cup, and went to the store. Got some bagels, donuts for the hubs, a decaf latte (heavenly – haven’t had any drop of even decaf coffee in weeks!) and a box of FRER pregnancy tests… Talk about the breakfast of champions. And then I tested. And it was negative. And now I start to wonder. I now have doubt.

This has to work – I can’t even comprehend the possibility of this not working. Christmas is later this week. I decided awhile ago I wasn’t going to travel. We’ve never been in Texas for Christmas; we’ve always gone to Colorado. The hubs’ family is very close, and makes such a big deal about Christmas. We’ve always gone to his parent’s house for Christmas, and his mother’s birthday is on Christmas day as well. I knew that nobody would be happy with my decision to not travel, so I told the hubs that he could make his own decision about traveling. And I would be ok if he went to Colorado and left me in Texas. I just knew that I couldn’t – wouldn’t – travel during early pregnancy. I knew it wasn’t rational, and I didn’t care, and I shouldn’t make the hubs follow my irrational decision. And so he booked a flight for noon on the 24th, and will fly back the afternoon of the 25th. He’ll be gone for one night, and that’s ok. Or at least it was ok when I was going to be pregnant. I could sit at home with my little embryos and be at peace, by myself. It didn’t occur to me that I would be alone at Christmas and not be pregnant. I can’t even imagine…

I know I should have hope – it may be too early. I have to have hope. I know people have tested much later and received positives, but did they receive a negative at 12 dpo? I’m still hoping, but I really hope it’s worth it…

Reached that point…

2010-12-16T14:56:00.002-06:00

It’s official, it didn’t take long, but I have officially reached the point of complete restlessness, want to know now, when will I be able to know, can’t stand working, can’t stand being at home, why can’t I know, surf the internet, read other blogs, when’s the earliest I can test, want to know now, really need to work, can’t stand it… craziness.

The very cool thing about IVF is the first part of the 2WW is taken up by events: getting over the retrieval; how many did we retrieve?; how many fertilized?; how many should we transfer?; bed rest. So that helped my restlessness last week. Now that I’m through all of that…what do I do now?? I’m back at work, got caught up with most everything yesterday, and now I don’t know what to do with my time. Sure, I have other stuff I should be doing at work, but nothing URGENT. Which means it doesn’t need to be done – anytime soon. Oh, I’m the ultimate procrastinator during the 2WW. And then there’s the other thing. How is the 2WW calculated in this IVF world? I had the retrieval on 12/7, so I should be 9 days into the 2WW, right? In my IUI crazy times, I’d start testing around 10dpo (I got a BFP on 10dpo!), but that seems too early – isn’t it? Especially considering I’ve only had these embryos in me since 12/12 – 4 days… So that would make me 4dp5dt, right? I know none of these dates and labels really matter – I’ll find out at some point, but oh I want to know!

And don’t ask me when my beta is – I don’t really know. Maybe Monday, but the clinic certainly didn’t call it a beta… Last week, when we established my transfer date, I asked the nurse when my beta is, and she said they’ll let me know. I was so confused – how will you let me know? I finally figured out that they bring IVF patients in 2-3 times per week after bed rest to monitor hormone levels. So I went in yesterday, they told me my estradiol and progesterone look good, continue my meds, and I don’t need to come in to my previously scheduled appointment on Friday – just come in on Monday. But they didn’t tell me what was going to be tested… I think they sneak in an hCG test and don’t really tell the patients unless it’s good news. I don’t know, I’m just guessing…

As you can see, I’m driving myself nuts, I’m trying to be calm and distract myself, but it’s just not working. So my question is to you ladies – when do you think I can reliably test? Not test to get a “for sure” result, but a “pretty sure” result will work for me. Because I’m obsessed… And I’ve never been one of those “wait for beta” kind of people… I admire all of you that do that, but it’s just not for me!

(And just as a reminder, I didn’t do an hCG trigger – I did a Lupron trigger – so there’s nothing in my system other than what these embies produce…)

Greetings from my bed!

2010-12-14T09:54:00.002-06:00

I would like to officially declare bed rest as the absolutely best part of IVF. When else in your life can you stay in bed and be a complete lazy bum without any judgment – AND you don’t even feel bad like you do when you’re sick! It’s been a nice few days, and I’m kind of sad that today is my last day, and I have to go back to the real world tomorrow…

I’ve been working – some. Yesterday, I think I did about three hours of work on a project, and I think I got more accomplished yesterday than I do in most days. Granted, a large part of my job is answering questions and guiding my staff, and I couldn’t do that yesterday, but I’m so much more productive on my back in my bed than in my office! I’ve also done all my Christmas cards, printed labels for the upcoming year’s files, and read about half of Mel’s new book.

Mel, of Stirrup Queens, wrote a post yesterday about her new book, Life from Scratch, and it’s fantastic! After hearing her new book was released, I had to download it immediately – I use the Kindle software on my laptop or iphone. I have read her non-fiction book about infertility, Navigating the Land of IF, which is a must-read for any infertile, but her new fiction book is so good too! It always amazes me how people can write fiction – needless to say, I always struggled at creative writing. And now to know (kind of – at least in bloggy land) someone who wrote such a fun story, I’m so impressed! It’s one of those books that sucks you in immediately, and keeps you going. I read the first half of it last night – you know it’s a good book when it keeps you up late at night. It’s just so fun, and charming, and so incredibly entertaining! I find myself smiling throughout the whole experience. I’m trying to hold off on reading it too much today – I actually have work to do! But go check it out – I highly recommend it!

Things are still going very well with the positive attitude mission of mine. I know a lot of people, especially those that have gone through pregnancy losses, don’t believe in looking too far ahead, not doing anything too permanent, but I’m taking a different approach. During my last pregnancy, my friend got me this book – it has a page for every day of your pregnancy. I had written – in pen – the dates on each page – up until the miscarriage. So some people would think that I wouldn’t use it again. And I thought about that too. But I love it, and I didn’t want to buy another one – I want to use the book my friend gave me. I didn’t start looking at it until about 7 weeks last pregnancy, as that is when she got it for me. But this time, I started looking at it on day 1. Each day, I cross out the old date (which makes me a little sad, but it’s also nice to remember my other baby), and put in the new date, and write a little note about my mood or a little note to the embryos. And I read to the hubs the status of the babies, or me, whatever it says for the day. I know this could be setting myself up for all kinds of heartache. But if I lose these guys, I will have heartache regardless. I can’t protect myself from that kind of grief, so instead, I’m going to enjoy every moment I can with these little embryos…

All Knocked Up!

2010-12-12T15:32:00.000-06:00

It’s official – I have two little embryos inside me! The transfer was this morning, and it went well. I can’t remember the exact numbers, but they had about 10 blastocysts, and a few morulas. So I think they’re going to see how everything looks tomorrow, and freeze about 10 embryos. This makes me so happy to know that they are ready for me, whenever I need them.

I was listening to the Circle+Bloom meditation today after the transfer, and it said, “this is your time.” I believe this. I really do. I know that right now tends to be an optimistic time, but I really believe this is it, and I’m going to do whatever I can to maintain this belief. I believe that one or two of these embryos inside me will be my little baby or babies at the end of next summer. I’m doing everything I can to hold on these embryos – the intralipids, the Lovenox I’ll start tonight, the bedrest that I’m now on, and will be on for the next few days. I have to take care of these little ones, and today is the beginning of my life as a mother to these babies…

Fertilization Report

2010-12-08T11:48:00.010-06:00

I received the fertilization report, and of our 29 eggs retrieved, 24 were fertilized. I can't believe this - 2 dozen embryos? Are you kidding me? Unbelievable. Based on this, we are scheduled for a Day 5 transfer on Sunday. Started Crinone 8% twice a day, and estrace, and Vivelle patch today.

It’s crazy to think about these numbers. I know that the chances of most of these embryos making it to day 5 are slim to none, but still. It makes me feel very secure that I have this many cooking in the lab, and I will definitely have some to freeze – right? What if this IVF cycle was my only one? What if from now on all I have to do is FET cycles? Shoot, what if I transfer two embryos on Sunday, and two implant, and I give birth to two babies? Could it possibly be true? Except then we would need to consider what to do with the rest of our embryos. We already signed the consent that said that if both the hubs and I die, that we would donate our embryos to research. I would want to be around to make any further decisions about our embryos, so we decided on that. And I know I’m opening up a huge can of worms when I start to think about what to do with the others… But right now, I need to just focus on two. Two embryos. Two babies.

Speaking of numbers, I have a friend at work who knows all about our IVF adventures – actually, I have a few friends who know about this stuff, which is very nice. But this one guy who sits next to me, he’s been very nice and asks almost every day about what’s going on with my eggs. He’s been very good to talk to, as he always turns it into some big joke, and no matter how stressed I am, he ends up making me laugh about the whole thing. He does our financial models at work, and I don't think he has much to do, because after hearing about my 29 eggs, he built me a model which will predict the number of babies I'll get after transferring a certain number of embryos. You can change the chance of baby, and the number of eggs transferred, and it will calculate the chances for each number of babies. He really thinks I should have lots of embryos transferred, call TLC, who will come and tape the whole thing – we could make so much money! He thinks the hubs and I would be great on a reality show… Anyway, here is the spreadsheet assuming 50% chance of each blastocyst working (I saw this chance on a few different sites), and 2 transferred (sorry for the ugly look - I'm not an expert on blogging...):

Here it is assuming 50% chance, and 3 transferred:

And this is what my friend thinks we should do - aspire to be another octomom:

He keeps saying, "this almost GUARANTEES you a baby - don't you want a baby???"

It is interesting to see the impact of the chance of implantation - what if the chance wasn't 50%, and instead it was 30%, and you transferred two embryos?

The odds are back to 50/50 - which I don't love...

Of course, I sent the spreadsheet to the hubs, who also spends a lot of time with financial models, and he pointed out that our friend's model doesn't have certain variables like the chance of embryos splitting and having identical twins. Just goes to show you, you never know... A model may be a good predictor, but as all of us in finance know, past performance is no guarantee of future results! And all models have errors...

For now, I'm just so very happy that I have 2 dozen (!!!!) embryos growing away happily in the lab. I'm so very grateful for all of this - that I had the chance to do IVF, and for all of your support throughout this process. I'm just on top of the world!!! (Plus, I recently took 1/2 of a vicodin...)

29!

2010-12-07T16:22:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it. They took 29 eggs. I feel kind of guilty reporting this, as I know a lot of women would kill for this kind of response. I'm sure more than a few are immature and won't fertilize, as we certainly didn't see 29 follicles of the right size in the latest ultrasound. But today, I'll take this wonderful news and celebrate!

Can I just tell you how much I love Vicodin? First time in awhile my ovaries don't feel like they're going to explode...

Triggered!

2010-12-06T09:22:00.000-06:00

Thank you to all of you for your wonderful comments. I feel much better than I did on Friday, I think because we are finally progressing!

We went in for the final monitoring appointment Saturday morning, and I had 3 follies between 20-22 mm, 3 follies between 18-20, 7 between 15-18, and lots lower than 15. My estradiol was at 6,857! Up from 3,049 24 hours before. Yes, it’s definitely a good thing I’m doing the Lupron trigger instead of HCG. I triggered last night at 9:15, and did another Lupron shot this morning at 9:15 – had the pleasure of shooting up in the work bathroom… But considering my estradiol was 6,857 on Saturday, and it more than doubled in 24 hours, I can only imagine what it was last night at the time of trigger. Based on my research, it would have been an almost guarantee that I would have had OHSS after an HCG trigger. I guess the concern is now that I will get pregnant, and the HCG from that will cause OHSS… Oh well – I’m not going to worry about that today. I was hoping we would have the retrieval today, but I think they wanted to give the 7 between 15-18 a chance to get a little bigger, so that’s why they pushed it back to Tuesday. I don’t really know, I’m just trusting that they know what they’re doing, and I won’t worry about it.

I’ve been an emotional wreck. And the hubs does not handle it well. We’ve been in minor fights at least a couple times a day for the last week it seems, and we had a huge blowout on Saturday night. This resulted in me sobbing by myself in the living room, and the hubs in the bedroom, after he told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’m completely irrational, I know, but he’s not very helpful either. I am definitely not handling these hormones very well. We made up Sunday morning, and yesterday wasn’t bad – partially because I told him to go watch football with a friend of his. I’m almost better on my own, and it was good to avoid fights. Then he picked me up after an afternoon of sports, and we had a nice dinner out last night. So that was nice. For those of you that have done this before, when does the emotional craziness get better? I keep thinking that I just need to get through this phase, but then I remember that I start taking progesterone and estrogen supplements on Wednesday, that I have the rollercoaster of the embryo wait, the transfer and then the 2WW coming up. And then – assuming I get pregnant – the fear of losing the baby! I must not think of all that, as it just causes me to spiral in my negative thinking. But I really hope the feeling of not being able to control my emotions gets better…

Crazy Ride

2010-12-03T15:25:00.000-06:00

I hate the ride that is IVF. Everything’s still ok, but my follies aren’t quite the right size yet, and so we wait… Keep taking those meds, go in for another monitoring tomorrow, and maybe the retrieval is Tuesday or Wednesday. Which makes the transfer Sunday or Monday, assuming we can do a 5-day transfer. Which adds to the number of days I have to take off from work. Oh vacation days, how I wish I had more of you!!!

And I just want to get this show on the road! My ovaries hurt like hell, I’m exhausted every day, and I just want to be done. Let’s fast forward to retrieval, then another fast forward to transfer, then beta. Ok??? I don’t want to wait anymore!!!

Sorry, had a little temper tantrum there – thanks for listening and not judging – I know I can always bitch to you ladies. I had the first intralipid transfusion yesterday at home using a home health nurse. It wasn’t bad, except it was a bit MacGyver – esque. Don’t have this kind of tube? Let’s improvise! Don’t have an IV pole? What about those pictures – can you take them off the wall and use the picture hooks? I guess the good thing is the transfusion got done, in time for the transfer, and now that I have a bunch of fat running around in my body (like I didn’t have enough before), the NK cells will calm themselves and not attack my embryos. OK, seriously – how does this work? Does anyone have a real explanation for this? How does fat suppress NK cells – seems bizarre.

Oh, and I started the day off with a fight with the hubs – what a wonderful way to start the day. I asked him to come to my appointment with me this morning a couple days ago. He usually can’t, or won’t, whatever, due to his job. But I knew his boss would be out of town, and he could go in a little later, but he said no. But then this morning he slept in later than usual, so I was wishing, hoping, that he changed his mind and decided to go with me. But no, instead of going to work, and instead of going with me, he decided to sleep a little longer. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy, and I started bitching at him when he got up, right before I left for my appointment. Definitely did not handle it well – starting using words like priorities, and such. He didn’t handle it well either. But now we’re fine and made up, so that’s good, it just sucked to start the day out like that. We’ll see if he gets up early with me and drives an hour each way for a 10 minute appointment tomorrow morning – the Saturday appointment is downtown, not in the burbs where we live. I bet he won’t – he’ll want to sleep in. Oh yes, that “priorities” word keep popping up in my head.

Wow, I think I’m grumpier than I thought. I’m just sick of this IVF thing, and when the nurse told me my follies weren’t as big as they’d like by now, I was not pleased. C’mon follies, do your thing and grow,OK???

___

OK, I had that all written, and was just waiting for the nurse to call with the results of the blood test and with the plan before I posted this. Well, based on my estradiol levels (3,049), I’m at a high risk for OHSS, as it will only go up from here (it was at 1,697 two days ago). In order to alleviate this risk, instead of taking the HCG shot as a trigger, I’m supposed to take a Lupron trigger shot instead. I guess this just about eliminates the risk, as it essentially shuts down the ovaries, when the HCG shot speeds up the ovaries. Then they’ll go in and do the retrieval, and I shouldn’t get OHSS. But the bad thing is that then my ovaries won’t produce progesterone and estrogen, so I have to do additional supplementation. Instead of using the Crinone gel (I’m using this instead of PIO – anyone ever use this?) once per day, I’ll use it twice a day. And I’ll have patches of estrogen and pills as well. Start the progesterone and estrogen supplements the day after retrieval. I’ve done a little googling, and it looks like using Lupron as a trigger happens out there some, but not common. Most IVF patients use Lupron as part of the protocol, and if you’re already taking Lupron, you can’t take it as a trigger. And I go in for monitoring tomorrow, and the doc should decide tomorrow whether I have the retrieval on Monday or Tuesday. Crazy rollercoaster.

I don’t like hearing that I’m at a high risk of OHSS, but I guess with the Lupron trigger it should be ok. But now I’m worried that the supplementation won’t be enough for the embryos, as my body won’t produce progesterone and estrogen on its own because of the Lupron! I guess there’s always something to worry about… Oh, and the hubs agreed to go to the appointment tomorrow morning with me…

Birth Father

2010-12-01T12:07:00.001-06:00

In cycle news, everything looks good. Went in for monitoring, and I have lots of growing wonderful follies. My estradiol is 1,692, which isn’t much more than Monday’s of 1,534, so they’re increasing Menopur back to 150, keep Gonal-F/Follistim at 150, and keep taking Cetrotide. They said the estradiol can also drop a bit when you start the Cetrotide, so shouldn’t be too worried. And come back on Friday for more monitoring.

In other news, I’d like to talk about my birth father, T. As a recap, I was adopted when I was 4. Prior to that time, T and my birth mother took turns taking care of me, I was in many foster homes (I think 18), and part of the time I lived with T’s sister, and then another time I lived with T’s mother. Both T and birth mother were alcoholics, and drug addicts. They weren’t young – they were both in their late 20's. Both were homeless, and therefore so was I. Both are now sober. They were never married, and T now is married to a nice woman. My parents (this is the term I use for adoptive parents – you know, the ones who raised me – my REAL parents (yes, it’s a pet peave of mine that people refer to birth parents as real parents)) kept in contact with T’s sister and mother, so T and his family always knew where I was. Birth mom didn’t keep in contact. I’ve spoken with her a couple of times in my adult life, but it always ends up with birth mom crying on the phone, and it’s really hard to talk with her. She’s still not very stable.

Anyway, T and I started talking on the phone a few years ago. For awhile there, he would call me, or I would call him, about every month. It’s started to decline in frequency about a year ago, and I haven’t been making a huge effort. He’s really nice, and he definitely wants to see me, but I haven’t been ready. I just don’t know what to say to this guy. Our conversations are so awkward. T is really into music, he plays quite a few instruments, and he’s a bit of a hippy. He’s a retired school teacher, and he’s all about his music – seriously, he plays in public probably 2-3 times per week. He’s someone I would call “artsy.” I am definitely not artsy. He keeps talking about how I used to play the piano growing up, but this is only because my Mom forced it on me. Yes, I was pretty good, but that’s because I practiced one hour a day – every day! And as soon as I could quit taking lessons, I did. Sure I played classical music, but I don’t remember which songs – he keeps asking if I played this song or not – I can’t remember. And I don’t listen to it now. I have this idea that I would love to be all musical and stuff, but I’m just not. I’m an accountant who really likes her job, her dogs, her house and I’m not very artsy or crafty and definitely not musical. This would be fine that we have nothing in common, except T keeps focusing on music in our conversations, trying to forge some kind of connection, because I used to play the piano. He keeps encouraging me to buy a piano, or at least a keyboard, so I can take up playing again. I’ve thought about it, and I’d like a piano someday, but all I really want is a baby, so all our extra money goes to that…

He called me a couple weeks ago, left a message, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t call him back. Then he sent me an email with a link to a video of him playing his guitar. The email says, “Hi Alex, Awhile back I left a message on your cell, I’ll try again in a few days… Meanwhile here’s a youtube of one of my favorite guitar pieces. I used to play it at home in your first 4 years of life…Love, T” This breaks my heart. I know he’s trying to make a connection. I watched the video – yes, there he is, playing the guitar, and I feel awful about this, but I just don’t feel anything! I wish I could feel more connected, but I just don’t.

I talked with my therapist about this, and she said it’s ok to not feel connected. That I’m grieving the loss of the fantasy I had about reconnecting with my birth father. I guess this makes sense, but I just feel awful that he wants this relationship so bad, and I’m kind of ambivalent about it. I asked her what to do about his email – I don’t want to talk with him right now, I just can’t muster up the energy right now to talk to him about music, when all I can think of is this IVF. We talked more, and I finally admitted that part of the reason I can’t talk with T is I don’t understand him, I’m angry at him. I’m working so hard right now to have this baby that is in my head, that I don’t understand how someone could give up a child for adoption. And I’m having a really hard time connecting right now with someone who gave me up…

My therapist told me to be honest with him, and tell him that I didn’t want to talk, that I’m going through IVF, that I’ve had miscarriages, and that I’m angry that he gave me up when I’m having trouble having a baby. I agree with her on everything but the last point – I don’t want to hurt him. So I sent him an email, thanking him for sending the video, apologizing for being out of touch, and I told him about TTC, doing treatments and having two miscarriages. I told him I would prefer to not talk on the phone for awhile. He responded, “When you didn’t respond to my cell phone voice mail message, I figured you were extremely busy with your professional and or personal lie. As it turns out, that was the case. I’ll be waiting for you to make the next telephone call as I respect you and your feelings completely. Good luck with your procedures. Love, T” I feel so bad – he really is a nice guy, but I just can’t do it right now.

And yet another person when I tell them that I’ve had miscarriages, no response… I hate to keep harping on that, but why is it so difficult to say, “I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages.” Or SOMETHING!

I feel so conflicted about continuing my relationship with T. I know I should, it would make him very happy. But it would be so easy to let it go. I’m afraid this makes me an awful person, but it’s just so hard dealing with all the emotions involved. I always had this fantasy of reconnecting with my birth parents when I had a baby. I think it would be easier to see them if I brought their grandchild with me, and if we had something to talk about, something to bond over, like a baby. I guess that’s another part of the fantasy that I’m grieving over. At least the grief that I haven’t been able to do this yet. Maybe someday…

All Over the Place

2010-11-29T15:02:00.001-06:00

First, the most exciting news. Apparently I’m a good responder to meds! I’m so proud – finally my body is doing something right! I went in for monitoring this morning (CD7, have done 4 days of stims), and I have 11 follicles, all around 8-12 mm, and many more below that size. My lining is growing – it’s about 6 mm, so that’s good for this point. And my estradiol is 1,534. The plan is to drop the Menopur to 75 from 150, continue Follistim/Gonal-F of 150, and then add Cetrotide tonight. I’m developing headaches from the meds, which I hate, but other than that, I feel ok. I can definitely feel my ovaries getting bigger – they’re starting to shake when I walk. Wow, I wonder how I’ll feel by this weekend…

In other news, my Thanksgiving went well. We went to Denver, and saw lots of family and friends. My mom and step-dad came over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, which I was nervous about – first time having both families together at the holidays, but it all went well. My mom even got a little tipsy, and it was hilarious - good times! We saw a bunch of friends and family. Few infertile moments:

Our friends just started TTC. We went to Europe with them in September, and she told me all about how she was going to stop the pill as soon as she got back, and then get pregnant. I’m so afraid she’ll be pregnant before me. She told me this weekend that she’s had really wonky cycles since going off the pill – she can’t tell when/if she has ovulated, and she’s been very late both cycles. Is it bad that I was secretly pleased? I hate that this is who infertility has made me. But yesterday the hubs and I were talking about them, and he said how pissed he would be if they got pregnant before we did – love seeing the jealous side of the hubs!

I haven’t been back to see the hubs’ family since June. This is when we told everyone I was pregnant, right before I miscarried. Nobody from the hubs family, except his mother, said anything when I miscarried. That’s fine, maybe people don’t want to say anything from a distance. But I was there this weekend, and his grandmother (who we gave a Great-grandmother frame to – right before we miscarried), and his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend, and his cousin, didn’t say anything at all. They didn’t mention anything, and I dropped a couple things in conversation, “when I was pregnant,” “hopefully if we get pregnant,” that kind of thing. And nothing. They all celebrated with me in June when we told them I was pregnant. And now, they say nothing. I know it makes people uncomfortable, but I was hurt they didn’t say anything.

And to top it all off, my friend who is having twins (accidentally!) found out the sex of her babies. They’re both boys. She came back to work crying after the appointment because she’s so disappointed. She has one girl already, and she really wanted another girl – she didn’t want two boys! I love her, but she’s a fucking bitch!

OK, rant over… I’m still very positive about this cycle, but I’m having a bitter day. Yes, I think I’ll get pregnant – one day – but I hate that I have to go through the rest of this crap…

This is Going to Work!

2010-11-24T13:06:00.000-06:00

I’ve decided. With the amount of work that has gone into this IVF cycle, and all the things that have had to gone right, and all that did, this IVF cycle is going to work. It just has to! Not because I’m desperate (because let’s face it, I am), but because it has faced so many roadblocks and has involved so many people, and there were so many places where it have been derailed, and it actually is going to happen.

I start stimming tomorrow with 150 Gonal-F or Follistism (half cycle Gonal-F leftovers, the rest Follistim), plus 150 Menopur. I go in on Monday for my first monitoring and the DQ Alpha test. I had my check yesterday, and both my FSH and LH numbers are great – better than ever (is that the BCP?), and no cysts. I get the IV injection on Tuesday with the intralipids – at home. All but one of the 14 prescription meds have been either received or will be received by my dogsitter on Saturday (love her!). The remaining med is the progesterone that I don’t start until later, so I have some time to figure this one out next week. I actually found a pharmacy that has Cetrotide (substitute for Ganirelix, which is not being manufactured, and therefore there’s a shortage of Cetrotide). I had to call every 30 minutes today to this pharmacy - “have you received your shipment yet?” – because they wouldn’t take any orders until they received it, and then it was first come first serve. Unbelievable. I called 4 different places to try to find someone to administer the intralipids at my house, and I finally found someone. The local doc isn’t taking responsibility for the treatment of the NK cells – they are simply ordering the script for the intralipids, it’s shipping to my house, and it’s up to me to find someone to give it to me. And Dr. Sher isn’t taking responsibility for it either as I am getting the IVF done by someone else. Very weird, but I don’t care – I’m getting the appropriate treatment, and that’s all that matters. And there’s a ton of other administrative stuff I’ve had to do to get the insurance to cover all this (thank you, insurance! I’m so incredibly lucky – I wish all the infertiles had this insurance!), and get everything done. I’m using four different pharmacies, one home health care provider, two doctors, many nurses, 14 different meds, and it all will result in one, maybe two, babies…. I know it!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I’m so incredibly thankful of everything I have in my life – my hubs, the pups, my job, my new insurance, our family, our IRL friends, and all of you – I could never have done this without you.

And wish me luck getting through airplane security tonight with a whole bag full of liquid meds and syringes… Yes, I have a note from the doc, but I’m still nervous.

One Year Ago, and The Little IVF That Could…

2010-11-23T09:54:00.000-06:00

One year ago, I met the local doc for the first time. This was my first meeting with an RE. I remember scheduling it for a week or two earlier, and then the receptionist called me to say it would be postponed. Pushing the appointment back made it so we would go through another cycle without treatment, and I burst into tears talking to the receptionist. I remember how impatient I was – how can I go through another cycle? Somehow I thought that walking into that RE’s office would get me pregnant… Oh how much I’ve learned in the last year.

I’d love to talk to that one year ago me. I’d tell her that she has more strength than she knows. I’d tell her that she can persevere. I’d tell her to start her blog sooner. I’d love to tell her that all she’s going to go through is worth it, but I don’t even know that now… Actually even if there’s no baby at the end of this journey, it’s worth it. I’ll always know I’ve done everything I could to have that baby in my dreams. Looking back at my RE journey over the last year, I don’t know that I would have taken different steps. Granted, as I embark on my first IVF (more details below), I wish I would have done this earlier, but that’s not how it works. I had to have the ectopic, and the miscarriage, in order to develop the cajones to request additional testing and take charge of my own treatments, and go talk to another doctor. Now I know about the MTHFR thing, and I know about the NK cell thing, and we can treat these. I had to go through all the heartache to learn and grow, and I’m now finally ready for this IVF step. Part of me is sad, and a little angry, that I stand here, one year later, still without a baby. But I’m stronger, and armed with more knowledge, and I only could have gained this by going through what I have.

Now on to the current update – The Little IVF That Could!

Amazingly, we are on for an IVF cycle – now. I start stimming on Thursday. I didn’t think this would happen – I gave it about a 5% chance! So all the things that I had listed on Sunday as needing to happen before I would do an IVF cycle – they actually happened! I was able to get a phone consult with the local doc yesterday, and he told me that their practice didn’t generally test and treat for NK cells. This is because it hasn’t been recognized the American Fertility Society as a real issue. HOWEVER, he’s willing to take Dr. Sher’s protocols, and implement them. And he has done this before with other docs for other patients. So I gave one of the local nurses the information for Dr. Sher, and she’s supposed to set up a meeting between them. I’m a little nervous about this – I know Dr. Sher doesn’t like the local doc’s IVF protocol, and I hope that doesn’t come between them. I tried to just get the protocol from Sher’s nurse, but he insisted that he speak with my local doc directly. It feels a bit like a pissing contest, but I’m not going to get in the middle of it. Both docs have told me that they are willing to work with the other doc, so I’m going to accept that and assume that happens. Based on my research, I think the intralipid infusion needs to happen by stim day 9, which will be December 3, so we have a little time. And the local doc is ordering the DQ Alpha test as well!

Assuming everything works between the docs, we have the best of both worlds – I’ll be using Dr. Sher’s knowledge in treating the NK cells, and I get to stay home and do the IVF, which will be much less stressful than going to Vegas. Plus we get to do this now – by Christmas, I’ll know if it worked! I can’t believe this is actually going to happen – between the insurance, and only being able to order meds from certain places (required by my insurance), and the NK cell thing, I’ve spent probably 20 hours on the phone over the last two weeks, trying to get this done. And it finally is happening – I can’t believe it. That’s why I’m calling it the Little IVF that Could… Despite all odds against it, this IVF cycle kept chanting, “I think I can, I think I can…” and it’s finally getting to the top of the mountain!