Information - Not Necessarily Good

There’s so much information out there about this MTHFR thing. I think I’m officially compound heterozygous - I have one copy of each type of mutations. I got the lab report: “This patient’s sample was analyzed for the MTHFR mutations C677T and A1298C. One copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation were identified. Population data suggest these two mutations are not present on the same chromosome, although rare exceptions have been reported. The diagnosis of hyperhomocysteinemia can not rely on DNA testing alone but should take into consideration clinical findings and other studies, such as serum homocysteine levels [which were normal]. Because MTHFR mutations and their associated risks are inherited, genetic counseling and testing of at-risk family members should be considered.”

For the past two days, the hubs and I have been googling like mad. As all of us IF’ers know, there’s both good and bad about this great world wide web. At the beginning of our research, I focused on the fact that it’s fixable – I can take a bunch of folic acid, an aspirin, maybe blood thinners, and we’ll be fine. It will decrease my chance of miscarriage. I felt relieved, happy, and dare I say hopeful. But the hubs found a completely different part of MTHFR. In a few studies, there is evidence of a link between the MTHFR mutation and increased likelihood of Down’s Syndrome. This makes my hubs a very concerned man.

It has come up once before – the hubs fear of Down’s. But we really didn’t talk about it because there really wasn’t anything to talk about – it was too late to really do anything about it. I was pregnant, and the doc had asked if I was going to do an NT scan at 12 weeks – I wasn’t sure, wanted to talk to the hubs about it. I was leaning towards not doing one at all, because it didn’t matter what the results were, I wasn’t going to terminate the pregnancy. I told him this, and then asked his opinion. He said it didn’t matter, because I had already made up my mind. He acted a little pissy about it, and I knew – he would terminate if it was up to him if the baby had Down’s or something like that. But I didn’t want to talk to him about it – just didn’t want to get into it about something like this. It’s not like I was going to change his mind, and frankly I didn’t want to know how he felt about our baby if by chance it did have Down’s or something. Didn't really matter though - I miscarried about a week later.

Down’s doesn’t scare me – if our baby had it, it wouldn’t bother me, it would be just something that we now have to deal with. But I think the hubs is not ok with it. He told me last night “I don’t think I could handle it right now.” So when he found the research that there might be a link to a higher prevalence of Down’s, he freaked. He wants to talk to the doc, he wants to talk to experts in the field. I think he would like to talk to the people who ran these studies! But he definitely wants to wait to do an IUI or anything until he feels comfortable about our odds of having a Down’s baby.

I talked to a genetics counselor on the phone today – she hadn’t heard of a link between MTHFR and Down’s. Who the heck do I talk to now? We have our appointment with our RE on 8/23, but I’d like to set up an appointment with someone else as well – an “expert” in this stuff. Must do more research…

Neither of us mentioned in our conversation that I might already be pregnant… Yeah right, can’t believe I just said that. The likelihood is so small, given my history. Oh, but there’s also a study which states that MTHFR is linked to very early pregnancy losses – before they can be registered on a HPT test, so this can be an explanation for many cases of unexplained infertility. Maybe that’s been my problem – how quickly does taking the additional folic acid take effect? (FYI, they prescribed Folgard 2.2 – take twice per day) Anyway, there’s a lot of information out there, and I don’t know if we’re helping or hurting ourselves. The hubs is completely on this Down’s kick now, and I think he’s worked himself up into a bad place – how do I make him feel more comfortable? Perhaps IVF with PGD? In case anyone wants to read about this stuff, I found this article on how to prevent Downs. Feeling overwhelmed…

BTW, the 1 week wait commences today…

Babysitting

First, thanks for everyone’s comments about my new MTHFR diagnosis. You chicas are super helpful!!! I’m trying to figure out if I’m heterozygous or homozygous. I definitely have both types of mutations: C788T and A1298C. So I think that makes me compound heterozygous unless either of them are homozygous? Not sure – waiting for a call back. And, my homocysteine levels were checked – it’s 5.9. I saw something stating a range of 4-17 or so is normal, and the nurse didn’t mention anything else, so I think my levels are fine. ALTHOUGH – I didn’t fast before the bloodwork. But eating would make it higher, right? Will ask the doc about this. Also my prothrombin time is 10.2 seconds, meaning this is how long it takes for my blood to clot. Everything I saw online said that ranges of 11 or 12-14 seconds are normal, so I expected them to say that I clot too fast, and should be on blood thinners or something, but the nurse said they consider 8.7-11.5 seconds normal. Weird. I’m definitely going to ask the doc about Lovenox.

I babysat my friend’s baby last night. Originally I was supposed to help unpack and watch the baby some, but my friend wanted to go back to her old house and clean, so she asked me to stay alone with her 15 month old alone for a couple hours last night. And it went fine – she’s such an incredibly easy child. But there was a moment, when I was giving her a bath. After I had washed her, she was playing with her toys in the water. And I would do something with her toys, like make splashes. She would reach for the toys and copy exactly what I was doing – it was adorable! And after every move, she would look up at my face and smile. I looked into her eyes, and saw her face was a perfect reflection of both her parents. I could so easily see part of her mom and part of her dad in her face. And then I started to cry. I wonder what a baby would look like with part of me and part of the hubs. I hope I get to see that baby one day.

I quickly wiped my tears away, and she never noticed. I’m glad her mom wasn’t around as I didn’t want to explain myself to her. It was a very nice evening, until I went home. The hubs is out of town, so I went home to the big empty house – the one that is supposed to have kids in it. It was nice hanging out with a baby – it’s been awhile since I have. We’ve been so focused on the process of getting and staying pregnant for so long, I think I forgot what we’re working towards. At the end of all this, the medical tests, the treatments, the heartache, there’s going to be a baby - maybe.

There’s something wrong with me!!!

We actually have a diagnosis! Just got off the phone with the clinic, and although I don’t have an appointment for another two weeks with the doctor, the nurse called me to let me know the results of the tests. Although all of the tests aren’t in yet, they wanted to let me know that I have two mutations of the MTHFR gene – I think this means I’m homozygous. I’m not completely sure what all this means, but they want me on a high level of folic acid – prescription strength – in addition to baby aspirin and my regular prenatal vitamins. I’ve been taking the aspirin since the beginning of this cycle, just in case, but now I’m going to add the folic acid, as soon as my pharmacy gets it – they didn’t have any in stock, so they’ll get it tomorrow. I told the nurse that we’ve been trying naturally, and she seemed a little concerned, adding that I should start taking the additional folic acid right away. Scary. Has anyone out there had this problem, or know somebody that has? I seem to remember a couple people mentioning it – need to start doing some research…

I’m a little nervous about what I’ll find, but honestly, I’m happy there’s something wrong – and it sounds like it’s treatable. Finally – something wrong!!!

Random Thoughts

I’m home alone for a few days with my thoughts. The hubs went out of town for work, and I’m left to think about stuff myself – always a bad idea! No, it’s actually not that bad. I’m taking the opportunity to get a lot of stuff organized and cleaned at home. I have a bunch of things I’d like to accomplish in the next three days – wish me luck!

I just got a bunch of results back from the doctor for our miscarriage and immunology panel. Well, kind of. My doctor has a patient portal that I can log in and get results from all the tests, and it stores them. Which I love, but now let the google-fest commence! Basically it has a ton of numbers from all these blood tests I took a couple weeks ago, but no interpretation of the numbers. And the other thing that’s annoying is nobody from the office called me to let me know that the results were out there! Although now that I think about it, it may be because not all the results are in yet. I need to go through it and check everything off. And some of it doesn’t have number results, it just says “Comments:” and there are no comments! I think the doc is supposed to fill stuff in. Yes, I know, I need to talk to the doctor. So I just made an appointment to go over the results with him – earliest appointment available is two weeks away! In the meantime, I will be researching away…

Tomorrow night I’m going over to a friend’s house to help her unpack after her move. I want to see her new house, and offered to help unpack for a few hours tomorrow. And then she told me that what would help the most is to come over and watch her child while she unpacked… Ugh. I haven’t seen this little girl in probably 6 months. She’s about 15 months old. I remember going to the hospital when she was born, holding her precious little body in my arms, and whispering to her my wish to have a baby. Somehow I thought she could grant me my wish. Now she can talk. We hung out quite a bit for the first few months of her life. I was even on the short list for babysitting. And then I started to pull back. Her mom’s pretty perceptive – we never really talked about it, but she stopped asking me to come over and see her baby. I remember the week before the miscarriage, her mom said, “You should come over and play with my girl! You need to start hanging out around babies again!” And I agreed. And then I miscarried. Never did see her. So now I’m going over there tomorrow, and occupying her while her mom unpacks. Not really looking forward to this.

Two-week wait…

For the first time since early May, I’m now in a two-week wait… I’m officially 3 dpo, and now we wait. I’m debating using those progesterone suppositories that I have from the previous IUI and pregnancy. I had ordered a bunch right before I found out there was no heartbeat. There’s nothing like recovering from a D&C and having the UPS guy knock on your door to have you sign for a package of suppositories. They’ve been unopened in a package in the corner of my bedroom ever since. Today I finally unwrapped them! Moving on, right? Anyway, not sure if I should use them or not – thinking about it…

After last week’s bedroom debacle, we finally got our act together and got the business done in all the right times. Amazing, Fertility Friend says “High” on intercourse timing – never had that before. So we have the best chance we ever had naturally TTC – never worked before, but perhaps this time it will. What’s that there? Hope? Weird – not really sure what to do with you.

Wanted to share the exchange between the hubs before the last “time”:
Him: You pregnant yet?
Me: I don’t know – won’t know for a couple weeks.
Him: But we’re good, right?
Me: We should probably go another night…
Him: Seriously? Again???
Me: Yep
Him: Tell me how much we’ll save…
Me: $4,000!!!
Him: Come here, baby…

Talk about foreplay!

Survey

Tishi at how to swim in a sea of baby bumps put a survey on her blog to get to know the IF community better. As I was answering the questions, I realized that it would be really interesting to keep these answers, as I’m sure these answers change as we move forward in our TTC journey. So I decided to post it on my blog. Also, I wanted to share my current thoughts. If you would like to help out Tishi and her friend, please go to her blog and get more info about how to respond to the survey, or just email your answers to tanya@lifecycleswellness.com. Also, I think it’s good to think about these questions every once in awhile… So here is the survey and my answers.

What is your biggest frustration right now related to getting pregnant?

The lack of information about what is wrong with me is my biggest frustration. I currently have “unexplained infertility” and I think that this means that they haven’t figured it out yet. I want to be tested for everything. If they find something wrong, at least they can treat for it. If they find something that can’t be treated, fine. Let me move on. But this “unexplained” thing is pure madness.

What worries you? What keeps you up at night?

Getting pregnant. Before I miscarried, even after I had the ectopic pregnancy, I was afraid of not ever getting pregnant. But when I found out I was pregnant in May, and then later found out it wasn’t ectopic, I had no doubt that I would have a baby. When I miscarried in June, it changed everything. I now worry about getting pregnant as I have no idea how I will make it through without worrying constantly. My husband says that we have to assume that it will work, that getting pregnant equals having a baby, but I don’t know that I have such a positive attitude. I used to, but not anymore.

What changes have you already made to get pregnant?

I’ve cut out caffeine, increased exercise, tried to eat healthier. For awhile I was going to acupuncture, but I haven’t gone since the miscarriage. While trying naturally, I temp, I use OPK's, observe cervical fluid, and everything. I have tried evening primrose oil while naturally trying to increase cervical fluid, which worked well, but I haven't done this since starting treatments.

Where do you get your information about fertility treatments and improving
your chances of getting pregnant?

I get some of my information from my doctor, but not really. Primarily I get my information from my own internet, article and book-reading research. And now that I’m involved in blogs, I get a lot of information from other infertile women.

What help are you seeking to help you get pregnant? how do you decide who's
help you will seek?

I’m researching doctors currently. I don’t mind my current doctor, but my husband and I call him the “Wal-mart doctor.” He’s the “big box” kind of doctor that gives everyone that walks in the door the same protocol: Do an HSG, do bloodwork testing for 1 month, do a semen analysis. If you can’t find anything wrong, do IUI’s with either Clomid or injectible drugs, depending on how much you want to spend and success rates. Do that for 3 cycles. Then move on to IVF.

I’ve now had success with 2 IUI’s with injections, but one has ended in a miscarriage and one in an ectopic. He’s finally willing to test for other things, but only because I’ve pushed it. And some of the tests I’ve specifically asked for are based on my own research with other infertiles and researching on the internet.

I’m researching other doctors such as Dr. Beer’s clinic, SIRM, Dr. Kwak-Kim. These doctors are what I consider the premier docs, based on the research I’ve done. But I haven’t yet convinced the husband that we need a long-distance doctor. It depends on what the current doctor comes up with when we get the results back.

How much time are you already investing into getting pregnant?

Time is no object. I have to work, so I’m limited by my vacation, but other than that, I’m willing to invest any amount of time.

How much money are you willing or able to Invest?

This is tough. My husband and I are very fortunate to have good jobs, and we haven’t had to use debt yet to fund this, but we’re willing. Insurance does not pay for any treatment, but it does pay for most testing. So far, since December 2009 with 2 IUI’s with injections and a couple months of acupuncture, we’ve spent about $9,500. And we’re nowhere near being done… I think my husband’s threshold for how much we’re willing to spend on this is higher than mine. But that’s generally true with us – he’s willing to spend more than me in a lot of ways. We’ve talked about how will we know when we’re done, and all we know is we’re not done yet.

What would you like to learn more about in relation to your fertility?

I’m currently studying the immunology impact on fertility. I have a strange feeling that somewhere in this part of science, I will find the answer I’m looking for.

Who do you consider an expert or Authority in fertility?

Based on my research, there are a limited number of experts. There are a lot of doctors that treat fertility, but I don’t know that I consider them experts – most of them are like my doctor, a Wal-mart type doctor. I consider Dr. Geoffrey Sher of SIRM an expert on infertility. See his blog – www.ivfauthority.com – for some really good information. I know there are a couple other great clinics, but I’m not sure what they are. We’ve considered moving back to Denver, and one of the top clinics in the country, Conceptions Reproductive Associates, is there, and I plan on going there if I move to Denver. I’m not sure what other IVF clinics are out there that are the best, as I haven’t researched IVF much.

As far as reproductive immunologists, Dr. Alan Beer was the top authority, and he literally wrote the book on reproductive immunology (Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?) but he died a few years ago. He has a clinic in California that treats for this. Dr. Kwak-Kim studies with Dr. Beer and has a clinic in Chicago that is supposed to be really good for treating immunology issues. Both these clinics take long-distance patients, but Dr. Kwak-Kim requires at least one in-person visit – I’m not sure about Dr. Beer’s clinic. Other reproductive immunologists are Dr. Carolyn Coulam and Dr. William Matzner, but I don’t know much about them.

We Have a Chance

Thanks so much for your comments on yesterday’s post. I’ve had troubles with the bedroom stuff before, and I probably will again, but it makes me feel so much better that I’m not alone in this – thank you to everyone who shared that they also have had problems in the bedroom. It’s amazing how IF can destroy different parts of our lives, and I think our sex life is one of the first areas to be hit. This is our first month trying naturally since December, and it’s amazing how quickly we can go back to those feelings of inadequacy. Why do I think the hubs doesn’t want to have sex when I ask him to? It could be because he’s honestly tired or distracted or something, it could be that he’s afraid about making a baby and having something wrong again like Leslie suggested (I suspect that this could be true, but he hasn’t admitted it), or it could be what Tishi suggested and I should initiate a whole lot more and then ovulation time wouldn’t be so different. At least that’s what the hubs said last night when we talked about it and said, “You don’t want to have sex with me, you just want to make a baby.” And I hate to admit this, but right now, during this week, he’s right. I hate this about TTC. I hate this about IF – because it keeps going. Most people in this world have just a few months of this sex to make a baby stuff, so it doesn’t really get old, but we IFers just keep going and going and going – like the freakin’ Energizer bunny! Except bunnies make babies like, you know, bunnies!!!

So I listened to the hubs last night, and he said he doesn’t like it that I just want to have sex to make a baby – of course he doesn’t. When he turns me down, it makes me feel like less of a woman, and when I initiate and he thinks it’s only for his sperm, it probably makes him feel like less of a man. So I’m going to try to fix this – right here and now. I’m going to try to initiate more – OUTSIDE of ovulation time. Both of us deserve this. After talking a little last night, I’m happy to report that he initiated a little action last night – AND this morning. My temp hasn’t yet risen, and there’s all kinds of egg whites going on, so I’m very happy to report that we have a chance this month…

P.S. Liz, thanks for reading and commenting on my blog, I really appreciate it. But I respectfully disagree with your comment that my husband is sending a clear message when he doesn’t have sex with me. He has proven that he wants to have children with me (see previous posts on fertility treatments which are not cheap and which the hubs is definitely on board with). And he is not a sadistic, manipulative jerk who is clearly screwing with my head. Yes, we have our problems, but our relationship is not “one big mess” and I truly do not believe I am setting myself up for disaster if I have a baby with him. I would have responded directly to you, but there was no link to your blog. I would love to read your blog posts, especially if you have had IF issues – I would be very interested to read how you have had no sexual problems while trying with your husband to have a baby. From my understanding and discussions with others, you would be the exception rather than the rule, and I would love to hear about what you have done to have such an amazing relationship as I’m sure others would too.

Not Looking Good

First, thanks to everyone for your amazing comments on yesterday’s post. When I let it all hang out, and share things like abandonment issues, and conversations with therapists, and inner feelings, I’m afraid when I hit that “Publish Post” button. I feel so vulnerable, and all of you just take me in, and give me a big fat internet hug! So thank you for that! And why is it sometimes easier to share about cervical mucus than feelings???

This cycle isn’t looking good for TTC, and honestly? I don’t know that I care. Maybe I’m not ready to move on. Maybe the idea of getting pregnant scares the bejeezus out of me. Maybe I’d rather not get pregnant prior to getting the results of the blood tests. Maybe I don’t want to get pregnant prior to going to Europe. And maybe I’d rather spend $3-4K on another IUI than continue to beg my husband for sex…

No, it didn’t go over very well last night either. I tried to initiate, and he said no – how about in the morning. I said that you said that the previous night, and it didn’t happen. He asked why am I pushing so hard? I finally told him “it’s time” (like he didn’t know – he told me a couple weeks ago that he always counts and knows where I am in the cycle!!!) and he complained about it feeling like a job. I would be a little more understanding, except the last time we had sex for procreation purposes was December 2009. Seriously. I didn’t say this, but I did tell him that I was tired of initiating, when he wanted to have sex, let me know. I said it in a nice way – with a “honey” and stuff. He didn’t get mad, he just said ok, but he could tell I was upset. Whatever. Except for the part where it makes me feel as attractive as a log, and the idea that I can’t get my husband to have sex with me makes me feel like less of a woman, and already I feel like I’m not a good woman by not being able to procreate, I really don’t care. I will probably ovulate in the next day or so, and this cycle’s not looking good. But I don’t care.

Therapy’s Not Comfortable

I had one of my hardest therapy sessions last night, and I have to write about it. We talked about my visit with my mother this weekend, and although it went well, it was so uncomfortable at times during the visit. I don’t feel like when I’m with my mother that I’m myself, as she’s not really warm, and we don’t really know each other very well. Honestly when I showed up to my friend’s house after my time with my mom, I felt such a relief to be at my friend’s – it’s just so much easier! So my therapist asked me why I felt this way, and I talked about how I feel like I have to be so polite, don’t rock the boat, don’t make anyone mad. And I tried to talk to my mom, but she kept interrupting me and changing the subject.

I talked about how I would ask a question of my step-dad, who is a doctor, about medical stuff, and what doctors think of patients with self-diagnosis and asking for tests, and mom would change the subject. My therapist asked how my mom deals with grief and loss, and if maybe she doesn’t want to talk about stuff like that. I really don’t think that’s it, as she talks a lot about people that she’s lost. She talked for 30 minutes about her cat that she lost! Laura asked me yesterday if mom doesn’t like to talk about it since she was infertile too. Maybe. It’s interesting – I once asked her about her own infertility, and she’s very against fertility treatments. She thinks it’s against God. That if God doesn’t want you to have children, that you shouldn’t. I had to remind her that she couldn’t have children either… Then she changed her story and said that God was telling me to adopt. Maybe all this is why she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Anyway, my therapist said that I really didn’t need to worry about why my mom kept changing the subject. Instead, I need to be assertive and ask for what I want. When my mom changes the subject, I need to say, “Mom, I would really like to hear what step-dad has to say about this. I’m going through a lot of medical stuff right now, and I respect his opinion. So please, I’d like to ask again about what he thinks as a doctor.” And persist until I get what I want. My therapist said this is a recurring theme for me. I don’t insist on getting what I want. If someone says no, it disappoints me so much that I back down, and just stay with the disappointment. I don’t stand up for myself. She said that I do this with my husband, and my mom. She thinks this relates to my abandonment issues. I was abandoned as a child – I was in 18 foster homes before my parents adopted me. So I was abandoned by my birth parents as well as the different foster parents. All this before age 4. And then I was adopted, but by two people who didn’t understand how to “re-parent” a child like me.

She talks about re-parenting quite a bit. She says when you adopt a child older than a newborn, you have to re-parent them. Basically reprogram them with the things that they didn’t get, like in my case, feeling secure, asking and getting what I need, and simple things like assuming I’m going to eat again, and not having to binge food (I could tell you stories…). My parents didn’t know how to do this, and there weren’t a lot of programs in the 70’s and early 80’s that taught people these skills. And even if there were, I wasn’t adopted through a traditional adoption agency or anything, so I don’t think my parents went through any training, counseling or anything!

My therapist kept saying that since I didn’t get what I needed as a young child, and then didn’t get what I needed from my mother, and my parents emotionally abandoned me and physically abandoned me at times as well, that now I need to work on my skills of being assertive and asking for what I want. And if someone says no, I need to calmly ask again, and explain my needs. It’s all about the delivery. I’m just so afraid of being disappointed. What if I ask – calmly – for what I want and never get it? I was so distraught last night in therapy with this conversation. I’m so afraid of being disappointed that I tend to not put myself in positions that will make me even more disappointed. She kept pushing me to come up with scenarios when I’ve been disappointed by my mom, and walking through how I could have handled it differently. I kept getting more and more upset. At one point I said, “I’m not very comfortable with doing this.” And she said, “Therapy’s not supposed to be comfortable.”

I’ve been going to this lady since December, and I’ve been so wrapped up in letting her know what’s going on with my fertility stuff, or with my husband, or other stuff. We really haven’t started working on the big issues, like character stuff. I guess we’re starting that. And I have a lot to work on. She told me that I need to start being more assertive, and if people say no to something I really want, I’m supposed to calmly explain why I want something, and push it. I’m supposed to realize that sometimes I’ll be disappointed, but that’s ok.

Last night I tried to have sex with the hubs. It’s that pre-ovulation time of the month… He said no, but he said to wake him this morning for a little action. I said ok. I woke him this morning at the agreed upon time, and he said he was sleepy – the dogs had been up all night, and he couldn’t sleep (no kidding – I was the one up with them!!!). So he wanted to keep sleeping. I calmly said that he agreed to have sex this morning, and I was really looking forward to it. And he said no – he was tired – how about tonight. And I was disappointed, and I didn’t push it. BUT – I didn’t get upset, and we’re still in a good place, I’m just disappointed. I don’t think I did what my therapist said to do. This is hard.

Great Weekend!

I had a really nice weekend. I went by myself (this never happens – always travel with the hubs) to Denver for the weekend. On Friday night, I stayed with my mom, which was good. She just moved back to Denver from S.C., so it will be easier to see her more often. My mom and I struggle, but this weekend was nice. We didn’t talk about anything too heavy. Lately she’s been trying to talk to me about our past together a lot – my adoption story, and problems that I had growing up. I know that it’s important to discuss these things sometime – that would help us move on, but this weekend, I just wasn’t up to it, and she respected that. I kept trying to bring up stuff about my fertility struggle, and I’ve never seen my mother or step-dad change subjects so fast. My step-dad is a doctor, so I was trying to get advice on how to pick doctors, and I was curious as to what doctors think about patients who try to be well-informed and try to direct their own healthcare. Yes, I was bringing it up in relation to my infertility, but I seriously wanted to know his opinion! My mom would just drop right in the conversation and change the subject as soon as possible. Then my mom asked me about my charm bracelet. Just remembered – I never have shown it here – here it is.



It has a charm with a June birthstone for the baby we lost in June, a charm with a February birthstone for the baby we lost in February, a dog charm for my pups, and a sand pail and shovel for our wedding – it was a destination wedding in The Bahamas, and we gave out sand pails with beach towels and beachy trinkets to all the guests.

Anyway, my mom asked me about it, wondering if I liked charm bracelets, and I told her that I recently bought it for myself. I said that all the charms mean something. She asked what the hearts mean, and I told her it was for the babies I lost in February and June. She just stared at me, said “Oh, that’s nice.” And completely changed the subject. Weird. I keep trying to tell myself that she’s uncomfortable or something talking about feelings or such. But she’s a clinical psychologist for pete’s sake! Seriously, what is wrong with her??? All in all, it was a nice 24 hours spent with her, but I was so glad when she dropped me off at my friend’s house. I feel awful saying that about my mom, but it’s true.

My time with my friend was great. She had a dinner party at her new townhome, and it was really fun. We stayed up late drinking wine, and talking after everyone else left. Plus the people that were there are really good friends of ours as well. One couple is going with us to Europe in 5 weeks! So excited for that.

I also got almost all the way through a book I just bought: “Avoiding Miscarriage: Everything You Need to Know to Feel More Confident in Pregnancy” by Susan Rousselot. It’s actually really good – I was surprised. It was very helpful to have all the causes of miscarriage laid out, and it talked about the tests you should take to rule things out, and how to talk to your doctor, and even how to talk to your husband. I was impressed – it’s pretty easy to get through, and helpful. Next on the reading list is “Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?: Unexplained Infertility, Miscarriage & IVF Failure – Explained and Treated” by Alan Beer. It’s all about the immunology part of infertility and miscarriage. I was looking forward to reading this first, but it’s huge! And definitely not plane-friendly. I read the Avoiding Miscarriage book on the plane, but the title is huge, and there’s this picture of a pregnant woman’s belly on the front. I hate books that aren’t on Kindle… I don’t have the Kindle, but I have the Kindle software on my iphone, and I love it. These are the first books I’ve bought in over a year that aren’t on Kindle. But they weren’t available for it, so I’m back to real books. It was kind of nice reading a real book, but it was awkward holding a piece of paper over the cover of the book – felt weird reading that in the plane for all to see – I was in the middle seat…

It’s weird that I’m afraid to publicly read my book, but I told my mom this weekend that I don’t care who she tells in the family about my infertility. I really don’t. I’m finally coming out to most all my family and friends about infertility. It’s almost interesting to me who responds well and who doesn’t. I don’t talk about it a ton, but most everyone knows that I had a miscarriage, and that we’ve had troubles getting pregnant. Even with my friends, it’s kind of weird. The guy that I’m going to Europe with said he wanted to take a vicodin or something on the plane over there, and I mentioned that I have some – that I got it after my surgery. His wife said, “Surgery? What surgery – on your foot?” as I still have the boot from my ankle sprain. I said “No, the D&C” and she’s a nurse - you think she would be comfortable talking about this! She got red, and changed the subject as soon as possible. Weird – just weird. This is the friend that got in an argument with me while I was pregnant, insisting that I wasn’t infertile. That if I can get pregnant at all, that I’m not infertile. I wonder if she still thinks that’s true…

Thank Goodness for Blogging!

As you might recall, I posted last week about more tests my doc wanted to run for a miscarriage panel. And Kristi commented telling me about her immunological testing, and suggested getting tested for Natural Killer Cells. In my fertility history and blog reading, I remember hearing about them, but the only thing I knew is they sound evil – like Natural Born Killers. So I started researching…

Very soon after I started thinking there was something wrong with me fertility-wise, I figured out that a fertility specialist is a reproductive endocrinologist. But in the last few days, I figured out there’s another specialist called reproductive immunologist. And there’s a whole medical field out there called reproductive immunology! I don’t know why this fascinates me so much – maybe everybody out there already knows this stuff, but I feel like I’ve just found a whole set of things that could be wrong with me, and now I have to figure it all out! It can affect people getting pregnant at all, can cause miscarriage, and can even cause ectopic pregnancies. And the best part is there are drugs to take that I can fix it!!!

I know, I’m jumping the gun assuming something is wrong, but I’m just so excited to learn all of this. So after all this research, I came up with a few more tests that I’d like done. I was concerned that my regular old RE wouldn’t order these tests, but after going back and forth a few times between his nurse, I finally have the lab codes and proof that he has ordered the tests. Seriously – just because I asked!!! I love this doctor – he may not be a reproductive immunologist, but it seems like he’ll test anything I ask for – amazing. Now my only worry is that the lab won’t do it in the right way. Based on my reading, it appears there are only certain labs in the country that will test for these things in a specific enough manner that will detect problems… (OK, for all you medically inclined people out there, you have to forgive my ignorance – obviously I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m an accountant – give me some debits & credits and we can talk, but lipids and labs??? WTF?) But I’m on my way to the lab this afternoon to give a lot of blood, and see what happens with these tests. The three tests I’ve added to the order are:

Natural Killer Cells
Antiphospholipid antibodies
Indirect antisperm antibodies

For those of you that have gone through this stuff before, is there any kind of resource that will help me understand this stuff? I ordered a book by Dr. Alan Beer, Is Your Body Baby-Friendly, that is supposed to explain the immunology aspect of fertility. Any other suggestions???

By the way, the absolute BEST thing about a blog (you know, besides the emotional support which is truly the best thing about blogs) is helping each other out with information. Anytime we can help a fellow IFer eliminate the “I didn’t know” factor, we’re doing our part!!! Thanks to all of you!

I’m back on the TTC bus. 5 ½ weeks after the D&C, I got my period. Not too long, based on what I’ve heard from others. It’s nice to feel like my body figured it out. And without taking too long. I’m definitely crampy and it’s super heavy, but I’m past the miscarriage. We’re doing the miscarriage testing, and I know it will take awhile to get the results back, but we’re still going to try naturally the next couple of months. It hasn’t worked ever before, I don’t know why it would this time, but we may as well try, right? I’m going to break out my thermometer, and start temping tomorrow… And maybe throw an OPK or two in the mix as well. I opened my handy iphone app on Saturday to log in the first day of my period, and it said “101 days since your last period.” So sad…

In other news, guess who sat in the front row at Lady Gaga last night!!! It’s a terrible picture, but here I am – fake eyelashes and horrible wig and all!!! So fun!

Who is this man?

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a rough few weeks with the hubs. The guy doesn’t talk – he doesn’t like to share his feelings or anything. We’ve been better the last week or so, but we still haven’t talked, and honestly I wasn’t expecting to talk. Until last night. We went out for happy hour with some friends after work, but came home around 7:30 o take care of the dogs, and we ended up drinking and talking outside on the deck until about 11:00. It was amazing, we talked about everything. Granted there was some liquid lubricant on our words, but it was really nice to hear his thoughts. It started when he got terrible news about a friend of his. This man is his grandmother’s boss, but he’s been in the hubs’ life forever – his grandmother started working for him before hubs was born, and she still does (she’s 91 – most amazing woman ever!). This guy has been the hubs’ mentor, a father figure, even a boss for a few years there. Well he is sick – they’re not sure if he had a stroke, but he’s in the hospital, but hopefully going home soon. He lives in Denver, and we’re in Houston, and the hubs is trying to figure out when he can go up there to see him.

We started talking about how crappy this summer has been. With everything that has happened with us and the baby, and our friend with breast cancer, and our friend with a heart attack, and my friend who just lost her baby, and now his friend is sick. How much more can we seriously handle? The conversation wasn’t exactly sad – it jumped around a lot. We talked a lot about his work, which is his favorite topic. But here are the other things we discussed:

• He talked about the miscarriage. He mentioned the email I sent him before the appointment when we discovered our baby had no heartbeat. I said in the email: “You haven’t been able to see or hear the heartbeat yet, and I really want you to see it.” He told me last night that it breaks his heart every time he reads it, and he hasn’t been able to delete the email yet. I told him I was sorry that he never got to see the heartbeat, and he said that he was really looking forward to it – that’s why he came to the appointment, but what if he hadn’t been there for me during that ultrasound? I’m tearing up now writing this. I thanked him for sharing this with me – it gives me an indication of the grief that he feels.

• He mentioned a woman at work had a 30th birthday, and she said “I’m 30, and I have accomplished everything I wanted to – I had a baby!” Both me and hubs said “Bitch!” at the same time. I learned my hubs is also jealous and bitter! So nice to be on the same page!

• He said he read a few posts on my blog. I have to admit that the first few months that I had this blog, I hid it from him. Or I didn’t tell him about it. I don’t know why – I was embarrassed. He has made fun of bloggers, he said he thought it was stupid. But about a month ago I told him I told him I had a blog, but I didn’t tell him the website address. Again, I was embarrassed – plus I don’t exactly hold back here, I treat it like a journal. But I had it open on our main computer one day and left to run an errand or something, and he saw it. He told me last night that he read a few posts, and he thought it was good. He was impressed with how honest it was, and he even said it was well written, which surprised him – and me! He said he thought it’s a good outlet for me, and he’s glad I have it. Amazing.

• We talked about all the different alternatives with treatments and our preferences about biology and processes for children. He said that his preference is, in order: his sperm, my egg, carried by me, whether that’s through IUI or IVF; his sperm, egg donor, carried by me; his sperm, my egg, surrogate; and then adoption. I asked him if he’d be ok with a sperm donor, but he’s so proud of his sperm counts that he can’t comprehend why we couldn’t use his sperm. I don’t particularly like the idea of a surrogate for us, but he would be fine with it. It’s important for both of us to have a biological connection with our children, but I think he feels more strongly about it than I do. I know we’re still on the early part of the treatment path, as IUI’s seem to work, but I’ve always wanted to hear his opinion about what we’ll do on this path, and he finally shared his thoughts. I also asked him if he thought being childless was an option, and he said no. But he said that it’s mainly because he didn’t think it was an option for me more than him. And he’s right. It’s not an option – at least not for a long time. Throughout all this conversation about alternative treatments, he kept saying, “I could always go hump a bunch of woman. I’m willing to take one for the team!” Thanks buddy! So funny…

• Finally after a lot of liquid courage, I asked him if he thought I was going to be a good mother. He sighed, and said yes. I asked him why he said otherwise before, and he said he didn’t like it when I don’t constantly watch the puppy – you have to constantly watch a baby! I said that we’ll be the very best parents we can, but we’re human and sometimes things happen. All over the world, kids fall and hurt themselves or get into trouble when parents aren’t watching, but kids usually are ok. I said we’ll do our best, and he said ok. At some point in the middle of the night last night, I couldn’t sleep, and I suddenly remembered a story about the hubs childhood, and I asked him about it this morning. When he was about 3, his grandmother was supposed to be watching him, but didn’t. He was walking on a retaining wall outside, and fell down and hit his head, and was in a coma for a few weeks. Obviously he turned out fine, but I’m sure that story stuck with him. I asked him if that’s why he was so concerned about parents watching their kids, and he said yes. And he thinks it’s generally a good practice! I agreed with him – it is a good practice, and I promised to do my best. No wonder why he got upset when he doesn’t think I’m watching the puppy – it all makes sense to me now.

I’m so happy we had this conversation. It’s so good to hear his thoughts and feelings about what we’re doing. It would be great if we could have this kind of talk when we’re sober, but it’s a huge step. And the best part of last night’s conversation is it was very easy! A big part of that is I never got upset. I tried to allow him to say whatever he needed, and I just let him talk without judgment. I only teared up once, when he told me about the email that he keeps in his inbox, but that’s it – my tears never help our conversations. I feel like we’re completely on the same page again, and ready to go forward in our journey together. We’re part of the same team again, which is amazing.

More Tests

I went to the RE yesterday for a WTF after miscarriage appointment, and it went surprisingly well. I was truly expecting that given I’ve had 2 IUIs with injections, and both of them worked, but one ended in an ectopic, and one ended in a miscarriage, that he was going to say to just try IUIs again. And he did. BUT he said that we should do a miscarriage panel, to rule anything out before I get pregnant again. I was so happy to have him take my one miscarriage seriously. He said most doctors will wait until people have at least 2 miscarriages before they will do all this testing, but he said he didn’t want us to go through that grief if we didn’t have to – thanks doc! So here’s the list of tests that I’m going to have – all blood tests:

ANA w/Reflex if Positive
Anticardiolip Ab, IgA/G/M, Qn
Chromosome, Blood, Routine
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Fibrinogen Antigen
Homocyst(e)ine, Plasma
Lupus Anticoagulant Comprehens
MTHFR
Protein C-Functional
Protein S-Functional
Prothrombin Time (PT)

And a chromosome, blood, routine for the hubs. I think there are other tests that are part of the “miscarriage panel” but I had them done as part of the “treatment panel” so I don’t need to repeat them. I’ve spent the last hour on the phone with the insurance company and the lab company, getting procedure codes, and confirming that these are all covered by insurance, and it is, or at least 90% of it is. So I expect to pay $450 for these tests, which will max my deduction of $1,000 per year. Plus $80 for the hubs’ test, which is 10% of the total price. Not too bad when you consider what else we’ve paid!

Then I also talked with the RE about genetic testing after a miscarriage. As a reminder, the doctor and nurse at the RE office said there was no heartbeat, and then told me my options. I was such a wreck, and was not thinking clearly. I didn’t ask them about genetic testing. And then, a friend of mine suggested I go to my regular OB to confirm there was no heartbeat and talk through options. I did, and my OB was great, but when I asked about genetic testing, he said it was usually inconclusive and he didn’t do them, and didn’t recommend it and therefore doesn’t do it. He did the D&C, and we didn’t have genetic testing. I asked my RE about that yesterday, and he said that if they would have done the D&C, they definitely would have done genetic testing, and he wished we would have had that done. He said that it is inconclusive about 1/3 of the time, because it gets the tissue of the mother instead of the baby, but if they can get some answers about 2/3 of the time, then it’s worth it. He said most regular doctors don’t do it because it’s not usually covered by insurance, and it costs about $1K, but with us fertility patients, we’re used to paying out of pocket, and what’s another $1K if it gives you answers? Seriously, after what we’ve spent (see earlier post), and what we’re going to spend I’m sure, I’d love to have some answers. So I regret not having the testing done, and not pushing it with my doctor more. There’s nothing I can do about it now, but I told the hubs that if we’re ever in that situation again, that he needs to force the issue, and make it happen! He said ok. Plus now that I have the information, I think I’ll be able to be stronger about it. I see my regular OB next week for my post-op appointment (huh, just realized that will be 6 weeks post-D&C - I wonder when I’ll get my period) and I’m not sure if I’ll mention it to him or not. I really like him, and he normally deals with regular old fertile patients, I’m sure, but he should at least allow the option to do testing, particularly if the patient requests it! Sure, tell me the risks of inconclusive testing, and tell me the cost, but allow me the choice, right?

I can’t dwell on the genetic testing thing – I’m just happy to be trying something new. We’re at least seeing if there’s anything wrong, and then treat for it. It takes about 4-6 weeks to get the results of the tests, but that’s ok. We’re not going to do treatments again until October anyway, so that will be fine. Is it strange that I’m hoping that I have something wrong with me???

My Friend M

I have a friend, we'll call her M, who lives in Switzerland. I’ve known her from probably about 12 years, and we’ve been friends ever since working long hours together – seems like ages ago. She left the US about 8 years ago, but we’ve remained friends. We rarely see each other, but we’re pretty good on email. I’m planning on seeing her in September when we go to Europe. We were going to stop and stay with her for a couple days. Occasionally she gets some great international calling cards, and we talk for an hour on the phone. The last time was in March. I told her about my TTC and treatments stuff, and she told me about her life. She and her boyfriend had decided that they want to do three things in the next year – get married, buy a house, and have a baby, and not necessarily in that order. They decided they only have the money to do two things, so they’re going to have a baby and buy a house. I told her that I had been trying, and was going to continue to try as well, so hopefully we would be pregnant the same time.

In early June, I received a mass email from her boyfriend – they were pregnant! She was 3 months along, and they were so happy to send out an announcement email. They showed a picture of her, and she already had a fairly large bump, at least for 3 months! I responded to her email, saying congratulations, and letting her know that I was pregnant too. I was about 1 ½ months behind her. We started chatting about how fun it was going to be when I was there in September – she was going to be 6 ½ months, I was going to be 5 months, we’re pregnant together! We made plans to talk to each other on the phone the weekend of her birthday, which was in a few weeks.

A few days before her birthday, I lost my baby. I was supposed to talk to her that weekend, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t talk with a pregnant woman, I didn’t want to be negative with her, and also I couldn’t stand talking to her and trying to be happy for her. I sent her a text postponing our call, and then a few weeks later I told her via email. She responded very well, very nice. I was still planning on seeing her in September, but I knew it would be sad. I was afraid to see her and her big belly.

And then I had a bad feeling a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t heard from her in awhile. I sent her a text, asking how she was doing, and she responded saying she was in the hospital on bed rest – her amniotic fluid was low. She stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and it was looking better, but on Thursday, it started decreasing. They did everything they could, but her doctor told her that the baby wasn’t viable, and it’s starting to affect M’s health, and so they made the decision today that they have to terminate her pregnancy. I found this out this morning.

I’m devastated for her. She was so excited to have this baby. I don’t think it took her very long to get pregnant, and everything was going so very well for her pregnancy. And now this. She was almost 5 months.

Of course it made me think of my future pregnancy – assuming of course that there will be one. How in the world do people comfortable in pregnancy? I was reading the message boards on the SIRM website yesterday, and someone asked about her miscarriage risk at almost 9 weeks – the doctor said she would be fine – there’s very little miscarriage risk at that point. BULLSHIT!!!!! I got so angry at the computer, at that doctor, even at that woman for now thinking she was ok, and safe from miscarriage. Nobody is. I don’t know how all those women out there walk around all pregnant and happy, thinking they’re free from risk. You just never know – it could happen at any time. Part of me thinks that I’m too aware of all the losses from hanging out here in bloggy land, but now, an IRL friend, who was having a perfectly healthy and happy pregnancy, who didn’t even have problems getting pregnant, lost her baby at almost 5 months!!! If she can’t do it, what kind of hope should I have?

I’m going to my RE this afternoon, for a now-what kind of appointment, and I don’t even know why. Yes, I want a baby, more than anything in the whole world, but I can’t imagine being pregnant and knowing that at any moment, I could lose it.

Money and Other Stuff

I did it. I've been putting off this task for awhile, but I finally sat down and opened all my mail that has been accumulating since the miscarriage, paid my bills and updated my spreadsheet that totals our medical expenses for 2010, as it looks like we'll be able to deduct medical expenses for taxes for the first time.

The grand total to date for my TTC journey:
Doctors, procedures: $4,345.12
Medications: $2,845.36
Alternative (Acupuncture, herbs): $1,465.00
Total: $8,655.48

This makes me ill. Most of this we've spent since January - in six months, we spent almost $9K, and we have nothing to show for it. I know other ladies out there have spent much more, but that also pisses me off! We're still at step 1 - no baby. Yes, we're a little more knowledgeable, but we're also more jaded and bitter... What a great way to spend our money. And it's not even over. We're still at the beginning.

It's been a tough week. The hubs and I still haven't really talked through things. They're better, but not great. I can definitely tell that it's been three weeks since I've talked with my therapist. She had back surgery, so she hasn't been available, but I go back to see her tomorrow - thank goodness. Also, I went to the doctor on Thursday and found out I sprained my ankle and have tendonitis. I have to wear a boot that immobilizes my ankle for about three weeks. And ice it at least 5-6 times per day, and take anti-inflammatory meds.

I didn't go to the RE this week - rescheduled for next week - as my friend with breast cancer started losing her hair from the chemo and wanted me to go with her to wig shopping. We went to the best place - they really cater to chemo patients and others with medical problems. The owner has male-pattern baldness, so she started losing her hair when she was about 30. She went through an awful experience with wigs, so she decided to open up her own shop and treat people well. It was amazing. They shaved my friend's hair for her, it was part of the wig price, which was actually really fun. We took pictures when she only had a mohawk - really fun to see a 52 year old with cancer playing around with a mohawk! But it was tough. I try to be real positive for her, but then I get to my car and cry. It's just terrible.

And then my dog Jackson has a cyst on his back that ruptured and is infected. It has been there for about 2 years, but the vet told us not to get it removed 2 years ago, as it wasn't hurting anything. Now they are saying it is infected, they definitely have to remove it via surgery, and it might be a cancerous tumor - they have to do a biopsy to tell for sure. I really hope it's not - I don't know that I can handle that on top of everything.

I really hope this upcoming week is better. I see my therapist tomorrow, which should help. But I have to take Jackson to the vet for a biopsy and then later surgery. And I'm taking the foster puppy to get spayed on Thursday, and then Petsmart on Saturday to hopefully get adopted. I really hope she gets adopted soon - she's been really fun, but I have so much stuff going on, it's starting to be too much. And I go to the RE on Wednesday for a consult - follow-up on the miscarriage. All while hobbling around on my ankle with a boot! AND this is a very busy week at work - the auditors are coming for our quarterly review. I really want to start feeling better in my head - feeling very depressed. I'm functioning pretty well, but everything makes me so incredibly tired. And I always feel like the tears are about to come.

All Kinds of Things

Be warned - this is a jump-around, all over the board kind of post...

First, thank you so much for you wonderful and helpful comments about Friday’s post. It’s so good to hear that I’m not alone regarding having problems with the hubs, especially in the bedroom… Yes, the hubs and I have a lot to work through. I’ve tried to learn from my previous experiences, and I realize that he’s never going to be the guy to sit down with me and hash through stuff. This one took awhile to get over, but I think we’re good now. I’m proud of myself for finally saying what I needed to. Saturday night after dinner, we were watching TV, and I asked him to pause it. I said the following: “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think it’s very important for us to talk. Maybe it would help if you understood where I’m coming from. I’m having a crisis of confidence. I feel like my body doesn’t work. We tried to get pregnant, and my body refused. Then by using medical techniques, we essentially forced it to get pregnant. But it didn’t work. My body rejected two babies. Now I don’t feel good about myself, I’ve gained weight, and so I tried to exercise. And then I hurt my ankle and knee, and now I can’t walk without hurting. I don’t feel good sexually, I’m trying to get that part of my life back, and then you rejected me. It hurts more than it would normally when you say no to me. Because of all this, I’m incredibly sensitive, and worried about our relationship. Also, when you say things like I would make a bad mother, I think you are saying stuff out of anger and you don’t mean it, but it really hurts me, in a terrible way. I know you’re probably going through a lot right now too, and trying to figure all this stuff out too, but I don’t know because you won’t talk to me. I hope it helps to understand where I’m coming from.” I paused, and then told him he could watch TV again. He didn’t say a word, and went on watching TV. BUT on Sunday, he was nice. He was sweet to me. We went to friends to watch the soccer game (go Spain!) and he even cuddled on the couch a bit, which is rare for him. And then when we got home, he attacked me and we had sex for the first time since April! And it was good!

So we have a lot to work through. I know this. But I can’t make him do anything – I especially can’t make him talk to me. But I can share my own thoughts, and I think this helps. He acted like a completely different person yesterday than he had in the days before. My therapist thinks that the more I share, the more he will think that it’s ok to share things, and I’m helping to create an environment that where it is safe to share feelings. She also has me reading a book about adult children of alcoholics. His mother is a practicing alcoholic, and I know she drank through much of his childhood. It’s a scary book though. I read through most of it this weekend, and I see myself more in the behavior that it describes than I see him. I definitely had an f’ed up childhood as well. Probably worse than the hubs, when you include all of it, but it’s not a competition or anything. But hopefully through reading it, and talking over what I think about it with my therapist, it will help.

In other news, I’m officially a foster mom – to a puppy. As I mentioned last week, we took in a pup for one night, and it was supposed to go to a no-kill shelter. Yeah, there’s no such thing. Or at least not in Houston. A woman that the hubs works with took the pup to the shelter with the promise that it was a no-kill shelter, and then I found out just as she got to the shelter that they only have a 47% adoption rate – and that’s one of the better rates! So I frantically called this woman, and made sure she asked lots of questions. The shelter said that the pup would be killed within 3 days, and they didn’t even think they would put her as available for adoption, given the number of dogs they had recently received! And so, I made the executive decision that we would figure something else out, and I asked the woman to not drop off the pup at the shelter, and bring her back to me. I found a program that allows you to be a foster home, and will help find a home, so I registered with them, and we’re now officially foster parents!

So if anyone in the Houston area is looking for a pup, here she is. She’s about 5 months old – a shepherd mix, and really sweet and smart. We taught her how to fetch in about 10 minutes. She is crate-trained, and really likes other dogs! But the hubs and I have agreed, we shouldn’t keep her. Three dogs, especially when 2 of them are 120 pounds each, is just too much dog. But it’s been fun keeping her – I wonder how long this will last… In the meantime, it’s a pretty good distraction – I forgot how much work a puppy is!



And this is an awful way to jump around, but I have a ton of stuff going on in my head. I mentioned last week that I had a friend that recently was diagnosed with breast cancer, and another that had a heart attack. The one that had a heart attack is doing much better – she actually came to work today, which is amazing. She looks and feels so much better than she did before her heart attack. She just wasn’t getting appropriate blood flow before they went in there and opened up her veins! So bizarre. The friend with breast cancer received the worst news last week – the biopsy in her vertebrae confirmed that it was breast cancer in her bones – it has metastasized, and so it’s officially Stage 4. Ugh. She still has an amazing spirit. She cancelled our wig appointment on Saturday because she wanted to go to a party – she wants to make sure she spends as much time as she can with all her friends. So we’re supposed to go wig shopping later this week. She has had two chemo treatments, but she still feels great. But the chemo mix changes this week, so there’s a chance she would feel worse after that. I know I just need to be as good friend to her as possible, but it’s so hard staying positive!

As I briefly mentioned above, my running program was going really well, I had made it to 2 ½ weeks through the Couch to 5K program, and I hurt myself. My ankle started hurting 2 weeks ago, and it’s getting worse. I can barely walk now. Also, my right knee hurts too! I’m so pissed that this happened – I was so proud of myself for going out there and doing this running program. I finally broke down today and made an appointment with an orthopedist for Thursday – this just hurts way too bad, and it’s not going away.

Speaking of doctors, I’m going back to the RE on Wednesday, just for a follow-up appointment. I don’t want to start treatments until after our Europe trip in September, but I wanted to see if he had any thoughts about why this happened, and if there are any tests that we could do to decrease my chances of a miscarriage later. I’m afraid he’s just going to say to keep trying, but I want to do SOMETHING!!! So ladies, any thoughts about questions I should ask, or tests to ask to have done, or medications I should take or something?

Ugh

First, thanks to all of you who helped me yesterday. I really appreciate your thoughts, and I had decided to throw caution to the wind, just go for it, and jump the hubs.

Yeah, that didn’t work. You know that phrase “He’s just not that into you”? All the signs are there, number one being he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I tried when I got home last night, and he pushed me away, saying maybe later. And then I tried when we went to bed. I actually got a “it’s not you, it’s me” comment! Maybe it is, maybe he doesn’t feel good and blah blah blah. But it’s a bigger issue than just last night. When we first started out, everything was hot and passionate. I remember telling a girlfriend, “Best. Sex. Ever!” And as can be expected, it’s died down over the years. But nothing like it’s been in the last year plus since we started trying. It’s been absolutely terrible. He never initiates, I try to initiate during other times than ovulation time, but it’s during O time that I have been known to resort to begging. So humiliating and embarrassing. And the other thing is since I was essentially begging, it became all about his pleasure, and not really about mine. I’ve been on the receiving end of foreplay maybe 3 times during our married life (since last May), and I’m talking any kind of foreplay! But when we started IUI land, it got better. Sex became less about procreation, and more about pleasure, but still his pleasure more than mine. Granted we did the deed a lot less, but when we did, it was better. So prior to the pregnancy, the last time we had sex was mid-April. After the IUI, I was restricted, and I hadn’t been released from restrictions when I miscarried. I had 2 weeks of restrictions after that, during which time I bled so it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And then we tried to have sex on Saturday. I initiated, did my part of turning him on (bj…) and then we started. I was not turned on, it felt awful, I was so frustrated, I actually started crying in the middle of it and we stopped. I apologized for crying, and said that it might help if we had a little foreplay before – I needed help getting turned on. He mumbled “ok” and went on about his life, but nothing happened since Saturday.

Then fast forward to yesterday. I’ve been feeling super frisky the last couple days, which was then confirmed by gobs of EWCM. I posted on my blog – should I do it? Got some yes answers, and made some plans. Thought about it all day, so by the time I got home, I didn’t even need any foreplay – I was ready! And then I was shot down – twice! This makes me feel like shit. There’s something about being a woman, and feeling rejected, that doesn’t work. I’m friends with some guys at work that talk about sex all the time, and I’ve had other friends the same way. They always talk about how women say no, and one guy at work gets sex on his birthday and their anniversary, and that’s it. I always stay quiet – I think it’s probably inappropriate for me to talk about my sex life with anyone (why I’m coming out to my bloggy friends – I don’t know!) but it makes me think. Am I the only woman who can’t get their husband to sleep with them - ever? I know there have been some bloggy people that have mentioned the same thing, especially while TTC, but the hubs didn’t know I was TTC last night - didn’t even tell him that I thought it was time. All he knew is that I was horny, and he wasn’t interested. Late last night, when I was falling asleep, I was in a really bad place – my body doesn’t work, it can’t make babies AND I can’t even entice my husband to sleep with me. Not feeling very good as a woman.

So then this morning – I woke up feeling like crap, didn’t sleep well at all. And I was awoken by the bark of a puppy. We are watching a puppy that someone that the hubs works with found. The puppy is going to a no-kill shelter today, but nobody could take her until today. So the hubs volunteered us to take care of her for a few days. Keep in mind – the hubs volunteered. Who do you think has taken care of her since we’ve had her? That’s right – me. I’ve fed her, walked her, tried to teach her stuff, came home at lunch to take care of her, scrubbed the carpets when she has messes – she’s not housebroken. And this morning when she started barking at 6:00, I got up with her and stayed up. Two hours later, I’m about to leave for work, the hubs is still in bed, and I didn’t watch her for about 2 minutes while I put on my clothes. Of course she pees on the carpet right next to the bed. All of a sudden I hear him yelling at me about the puppy. About how I’m not watching her, and I let her pee. Stupidly, I start yelling back about how he should clean it up – he should help take care of this dog that he volunteered us for, and he just fights back. I take the dog out, start cleaning the carpet, and he’s yelling. He even said the worst thing he could: “That’s how you’re going to be with a baby. You only want a baby so you can play with it, you won’t take care of it.” I didn’t respond well. I left by saying “Sorry for the bad things I said.” He had no response, and so I left. I feel like shit. I know I said some nasty things – I think the words asshole, jerk and selfish came out of my mouth. But I would never insult him as a potential father – what a low blow.

Please understand this is all coming from an extremely bitter place this morning, and I can’t really believe that I’m sharing this with all of you. I’m sure it will all turn out fine – I’ll swallow my pride and move on. He won’t apologize for anything –why would he? I’ve allowed him to be this way in the past, and I’ll probably allow it in the future. I don’t make him talk about stuff; I couldn’t make him if I tried. He absolutely refuses to go to a therapist. I’ve known for a long time that he’s incredibly selfish, and this is just who he is. I made the choice to be with him. He has a lot of great qualities – granted, it’s hard for me to focus on that right now… The only thing I can have any control over is my reaction. And so I need to let it go, stop being angry, and just move on. I know the things he says are in anger, and he doesn’t really mean them. Or at least I hope that’s true. No, it’s true. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure everything will work out just fine. Assuming of course that one of us breaks our silence today…

Is it safe?

I need help from my bloggy friends. I've done some googling, and can't really find a definitive answer. I don't really feel like calling my doc, although I guess I could. But I'd rather ask you lovelies!

It's been 3 weeks and a day since my D&C. I haven't bled since Friday, so almost a week. And I just went to the bathroom and saw a ton of EWCM - like boatloads! Back in my natural TTC days, I never got that much. A few months before I started treatments, I took evening primrose oil prior to ovulation, and that helped a bit. But even with EPO, I never saw EWCM like this. So my question is, should I try something with the hubby tonight? Is it too early? I seem to remember people saying that fertility increases after a m/c and after a D&C, but should I wait until I get a period? I know there's some emotional reasons for waiting a month, but what about physical? Is it safe to get pregnant so soon after a m/c?

Perspective

It’s been awhile since my last post. I just haven’t felt like blogging much. I’ve been trying to get some semblance of a life back, and trying to keep my infertile life in perspective.

Today I finally cancelled my doctor’s appointment that was scheduled for tomorrow. It was supposed to be my 12 week checkup, with an NT scan and everything. I was going to be 12 weeks on Friday. I kept looking at this appointment on my calendar, and couldn’t pick up the phone to cancel it. I kind of wanted the reminder. My baby was going to be 12 weeks old this week…

I’ve had some horrible events that have certainly given me some perspective. One of our friends was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. She went in for a routine mammogram, and they found a 5 cm tumor. It wasn’t in her lymph nodes, or blood, but they found a spot of cancer on her vertebrae. Once they found that, it went from Stage 2 to Stage 4. They did a biopsy of her bone last Friday, and we’re waiting to hear the results. We’re hoping for bone cancer and not breast cancer in her bone, but it’s a small chance that it’s bone cancer. Hopefully she just happened to get bone cancer at the same time as breast cancer, and it’s not breast cancer that has spread to her bone. Because if it has metastasized, then it’s Stage 4. The chance of living 5 years after being diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer is only 20%. She just started doing chemo, and then the plan before they found cancer in her bone was to do a double mastectomy, but the doctor is now saying that it’s not worth it to remove the tumor. She’s fighting to do it, but it depends on how the chemo goes as to whether she will do surgery. Heartbreaking.

And I just found out this morning that one of my friends had a heart attack over the weekend. She’s fine now, but she went in the hospital Saturday morning after having chest and arm pains for a couple days. The entire bottom part of her heart was blocked. She had to have surgery on Saturday and they inserted some stints. So incredibly scary. And they’re thinking of releasing her from the hospital today! I really hope she stays in there for another day or two. I’ll go see her tonight – whether it’s at her home or the hospital.

So what I’ve learned from all this is it could be worse. I’m healthy and relatively happy (depends on the day…) and I have some really good things in my life. I need to be more grateful, and celebrate the good things. I’m trying to be happier, as I firmly believe that we can control our own happiness. I’m so inspired by my friend with breast cancer – she’s the most positive person I know. She has said that she could choose to sit in a corner at home and be sad for herself, or she could try to make the most of the time she has left. I called her today to see how she’s doing, and she asked me to go shopping for a wig with her this weekend. I need to make sure to stay positive for her, and try to make it fun. Because a big part of me wants to sit in a corner and be sad for her!