From Infertile to Egg Donor?

When I was 21 years old, I graduated from college and went straight to grad school.  My parents were generous and helped me financially with college, but they were done – no help for grad school.  I figured it would be fine – that’s why they invented school loans!  In retrospect, it may have been wise to wait a few years, save some money, and then go to grad school, but I highly doubt I would have made the plunge once I had the taste of real life income.  So I went straight to grad school, took out a bunch of loans, got a couple part-time jobs, and tried to figure out how to survive while paying out-of-state tuition.  I remember driving home one day after class and hearing an ad on the radio about being paid to become an egg donor.  I had no idea what was involved, but I figured, why not?

As soon as I got home (no cell phones in those days…) I called the egg donation place to ask for more information.  I asked a bunch of questions, they asked me some more, and then told me I wouldn’t make a good candidate because I was adopted and I didn’t know my medical history.  I was disappointed because I wanted the money, so I hung up and proceeded to the local blood plasma donation place ($15 each donation, and I could do it twice a week!  Good money!).  I told my new friend about it, and she commiserated with me about how nice it would have been to make money doing something simple like egg donation – ah, how naïve we were.

Fast forward 16 years, and that friend that I met in grad school is still my friend, in fact my closest friend, my BFF as I like to call her.  She recently has been told that at age 42 and going through multiple IVF's and finally PGD, her eggs are no longer good, and she needs to consider egg donation.  She had talked with her husband about it, and they’re not sure what they’re going to do.  Well I just threw a wrench in their plans…  Last night I told her that if they want, that I would be an egg donor for her.  Or if we get pregnant at our next FET using two of our embryos, then she and her husband can have our remaining three embryos. 

I did not make this offer lightly.  It was only after hours of discussion with my husband, and after thinking about it a few weeks, that I made the offer.  I wanted to make sure that I was truly comfortable with this decision, and that I wouldn’t want to revoke the offer after giving it.  And that my husband feels the same way.  During this infertility process, I’ve thought a lot about my 21-year-old self, and how flippant I was about considering egg donation.  I didn’t really think about it as giving up a potential child, or at least half of a child.  I didn’t think about wondering what happened to my eggs and future babies, I only thought about the money I lost because I didn’t know my medical history!  Later when I started struggling with infertility, I thought a lot about how naïve I was, and how important those eggs are.  I also thought that there was no way I would donate my eggs, because I had such an emotional attachment to creating a child that was genetically mine.  I was working so very hard to have a baby, and I had such a drive to be genetically linked to that child, that I couldn’t imagine giving up those genetics to someone else through egg donation.  I also thought a lot about embryo donation.  I knew that if we were so lucky to not need all the embryos we would make through the IVF process that we would need to make a decision as to what to do with those embryos.  We even signed consent forms that if something were to happen to us, that the embryos would be discarded.  I couldn’t imagine giving our embryos to someone else, having someone else raise our babies.  I feel attached to those embryos, and it's hard to imagine someone else using those embryos.  I really wasn’t sure what we would do if we had any embryos left after completing our family.

Until my BFF…  She is now at the point where she and her husband needs to decide what to do, but it won’t involve her eggs.  They can do egg donation to a point, but they will run out of sperm in the future as well (he had testicular cancer, and he has successfully gone through treatment, but their doc doesn’t want to use his sperm for at least three years).  I know I used to think that I couldn’t give up my eggs or embryos, but now that I’m a mother to baby Alex, everything has changed.  I look at her, and I can’t imagine my life without her.  I want this for my friend.  I know she wants to be a mother, and has gone through great lengths to be one, to no avail.  I want to do everything I can to help her do this.  It’s so weird, how easy this decision was for me, how quickly I became comfortable with the idea of giving my friend my DNA, and how it is now an even easier decision now that I am a mom.  It was the same with my hubs – we talked about it at length, how bizarre it could be, and whether we would be comfortable, watching our friends raise a baby that started as our child, who is genetically our child, and our child’s sibling.  It’s so strange what is possible now with science, but it feels so comfortable to make this decision. 

I have no idea if my BFF and her husband want this, or if their doctor will advise it.  Because let’s face it – I’m not an ideal egg donor.  I’m almost 37, and I’ve had fertility problems.  But we know I respond well to the drugs, and I have a perfect daughter that proves that some of my eggs work!  I’m very interested to see what happens, and what she decides.  She didn’t say anything last night, as I think she was very stunned and needed time to process this.  I think it could be very complicated, donating eggs or embryos to a friend, but I’m confident that no matter what she decides, we’ll be able to muddle through this new element to our friendship.  Stay tuned…

But I Don’t Want to Go to Bed!!!

We’ve all heard of the stories of friends whose children won’t go to bed.  Children who want to stay up, playing, feigning such problems such as hungry, thirsty, afraid of the dark.  Parents who sit outside of their children’s door, saying repeatedly, “You must go to bed.”  It seems like it’s just part of parenting: fighting with your children over going to bed.  Heck, there’s even a book about it: Go the F**k to sleep.  (it’s a great book, fun to read for all ages!)  I figured it was going to happen at some point, but at six months old???

Last night Alex was in a great mood.  She had taken four naps at daycare, when she usually only has three, so she was very well rested.  We had such a good time when we got home, playing, talking, singing together.  (you know, as much as a six-month old can sing with you…)  I knew she was very rested, so I started the bedtime routine a little later than normal, as she wasn’t fussy at all.  She took her bath, and had a great time playing with her toys in the bath.  Then we got out, lotioned up, put her pajamas on, and sat down in the rocking chair in her room for her last bottle.  Usually she pounds down 7 ounces, and is in a food coma when she’s finished.  We usually read a book quietly, sing a lullaby, then she goes to sleep in her crib very easily.  Well last night she had something else in mind.

Alex finished about 3 ounces of her bottle, and then wouldn’t eat anymore.  She sat up in my lap, flailing her hands around, ready to play!  I didn’t know what to do – this wasn’t normal!  So I pulled out a book, and she loved it.  She started flipping the pages, and I read to her, and she would pound her little hands on the pages.  She grabbed onto the book, and was having a great time playing with it.  Every few minutes, I tried to give her the bottle, but she shut her mouth and turned her face.  So we would play some more.  This continued for about 20 minutes – playing with the book, reading to her, trying to give her the bottle, and getting rejected.  Finally she looked up at me and yawned.  I gave her the bottle, and she relaxed in my arms, lay back, and finished the rest of the bottle.  She was in her normal food coma at the end of the bottle, she cuddled with me, burped a bit while I sang her a song, and then I put her in her crib, where she slept quietly until morning. 

I can’t believe that at six months old, she deliberately was able to tell me she wanted to stay up and play for a little longer.  Every day, she can do more, and likes to play even more.  I can see more of her personality every day.  She’s such a happy little miss, and it was so fun playing with her on my lap.  The first of many times in her life, I’m sure, when she said very clearly, “But I don’t want to go to bed!”

Gratitude

Sometimes I get caught up in my life.  It’s a fast-paced life: career, daycare, bath and bedtimes, stolen moments with my husband, rare conversations with friends.  Full days or weeks can pass without catching a breath.  But this weekend, I had two moments that caused me to slow down, look around, and truly appreciate my life, and especially my daughter.

Saturday I had coffee with a woman who found this blog by searching for MTHFR on the internet.  Like me, she has been diagnosed with compound heterozygous MTHFR.  Also like me, she has gone through a fresh IVF, and a frozen transfer, and she lost a baby at eight weeks.  She also goes to the same RE as me, and has had the same frustrations.  The only difference is she has PCOS and she’s 10 years younger.  But after you’ve gone through multiple years of infertility, multiple cycles of treatments, losses, etc., it doesn’t matter how old you are – it just plain sucks.  And hurts!  She found my blog through searching for her diagnosis, and then discovered that I lived in Houston, and she suspected and later confirmed that we even go to the same doctor.  It’s amazing, really, to think that she was able to find me through the internet, and that we have so much in common.

We met for a couple hours on Saturday, and she talked about her history and her plan for the future.  She’s exploring the world of reproductive immunology, which I was surprised to hear was recommended by our doctor, considering the struggles I had with him in this regard.  The pathology on her miscarriage showed a chromosomally normal baby, which is why he recommended immunology testing, and we talked about all this.  I was struck by how we have very different personal histories, and yet we are in many respects the same person.  I sat across the table, and saw all the frustration, the confusion, and the pain that comes with battling infertility and loss.  I wish I could take this pain away from her, and that I could guarantee her a baby.  I wish I could tell her that if she keeps going, keeps getting tested and spending money and going through treatments, that one day she would get her baby.  But I can’t.  That’s the worst part of infertility.  We battle this, every day, and there is no guarantee.

Last night I also received heartbreaking news about my best friend IRL.  I’ve talked about her on my blog before, she started TTC after I did, and when she finally met with a doctor, she used me as an IF mentor.  Due to her age (she’s now 42) she quickly went to IVF, and we started the IVF process at the same time, the two of us fantasizing about raising our IVF babies together.  Since then she has had 2 fresh IVF cycles, which resulted into two early miscarriages.  After the 2^nd IVF, her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer, so this derailed their TTC plans for awhile.  But he went through chemo (after freezing a bunch of sperm prior to treatment), and he is now declared cancer-free, so they started their 3^rd IVF cycle, using some of his frozen sperm.  This time, however, they did PGS.  They got 16 eggs, 12 were mature, and 6 fertilized.  All 6 were tested with PGS, and none of the embryos were considered normal enough for transfer.  This is the official end of their attempts at having a baby made with her genetic material.  They are exploring their options, and will meet with the doctor in June to discuss donor eggs, but my heart goes out to her.  I know this is a huge loss, and I wish I could take away her pain. 

I am so very lucky.  Every day, I go online, fingers crossed, and hope that the women whose blogs I follow get that elusive BFP, but more importantly bring home their baby.  I’ve been online for awhile now, so I’ve seen many of us start to parent, but there are so many who are still trying for that first baby, even some that started their infertility journeys prior to me.  I wish that it wasn’t so hard – I don’t understand why some people get their babies and some don’t.  The pain from women online is so hard to see, but sitting across the table from it, and then hearing about it from my best friend, I feel so helpless, like there’s nothing I can do.  (…well actually there is one thing – I could donate my embryos to my friend, but it may be a bit early for that, I can’t even wrap my head around this one…)  All I can really do now is be there for my best friend, and for my new friend, and be grateful for my daughter.  Last night, after I gave her the last bottle of the day, and rocked and sang to her, I squeezed her a little tighter than normal, and gave her a couple extra kisses.  I can’t put into words how grateful I am to have her in my life.

The Return of My (in)Fertility

I had a nice break.  Between pregnancy and breastfeeding, it was nice to be without periods, without looking at my body for signs of fertility, without wondering if I could be pregnant.  But alas, that time has passed.  A little less than a month after quitting breastfeeding, and exactly six months after my daughter was born, my period came back.  With a fucking vengeance…

And even though I really don’t want to be pregnant right now (oh my god, can you imagine a six month old while pregnant?  How about a newborn and a 14 month old???  Scary!!!) I was a little sad when I saw that first bloody tinge.  Because two weeks ago when I saw the gobs of egg whites in my undies, I did what any good infertile does.  I headed to the bedroom and attacked my husband…  How quickly we get drawn back into the TTC world.  I have spent the last two weeks wondering, and even the hubs asked, “Could we be pregnant?”  And we allowed ourselves to fantasize about having a second child so quickly.  The biggest fantasy is being able to get pregnant so easily, without going through the torture of last time.  I’ve spent the last two weeks fantasizing about becoming that urban myth that all the infertiles hate.  “I once knew this woman who struggled to have her first baby, and then she just relaxed, and bam!  She was pregnant – even before getting her period again!”  Oh wouldn’t that be amazing???

But instead, here I sit at work (because I can’t take any time off – I have almost no PTO after my kid was sick!) in agony from cramps, the kind that I never remember having, running to the bathroom every hour to change my tampon (the super kind!), in misery.  And resigning myself to the fact that we are officially back on the TTC bandwagon.  Well kind of.  I absolutely refuse to take my temperature, or chart anything.  But I’m hyper aware of the signs my body puts out, and we have agreed that we’ll spend the next six months trying naturally.  And as soon as Alex turns 1, we’ll go back to the RE for a consult about doing FET’s.  Or maybe before so we can be ready to do the FET shortly after her birthday.  This time down the TTC road, I have a very important safety net: 5 lovely embryos waiting for me on ice.  The original plan was to not even try naturally at all, and do FET’s after I weaned Alex at a year old.  But since breastfeeding was quit abruptly, our plans have changed. 

I’m resolved to do it differently this time, especially during the 6 months of natural TTC’ing.  I will not take random supplements other than prenatals and extra folic acid for my MTHFR.  I will not stick a thermometer in my mouth.  I will not get a subscription on Fertility Friend.  I will not pee on anything – ovulation stick or otherwise.  This is TTC Light, and I hope it calms my shit a bit.  I need to keep telling myself that having a baby so quickly after Alex will be hard – I don’t want it as much, or as urgently, and hopefully that will kill the obsession a bit.

Why start so quickly?  Because I HATE TTC.  I want it to be done.  There are other reasons: I want Alex to have a sibling that is close, I’m not getting any younger, blah blah blah.  The real reason is I want to be DONE with this part of my life.  I hate every second that this goes on.  Yes, I want another child, but I don’t want the obsession that I can’t seem to control when it takes over my life.  I think this time it should be easier, as my life is filled with my little girl.  I know that no matter what happens, I will have her in my life, so it doesn’t seem as bad if we fail on this TTC journey.  Last time, I was wondering when it would end, when I could stop living my child-free life.  But now, I will always have my little Alex, and although I feel like our family is not yet complete, it’s not the end of the world if we don’t have another child.  But we have to try, and so it begins…

Six Months!

Today Alexandra is six months old!!! I can’t believe how quickly this time has gone. Every day, I’m so thankful to have her in my life, and I can’t believe that I get to have this life, this life as her mom. She’s finally healthy – kind of. After having a 12-day stomach bug, she was healthy for about 1.5 weeks, and then she got a cold which quickly transformed into an ear infection. She was absolutely miserable for a couple days, but now she’s feeling better. She still has a cough, but we smile and say “get it out” or “good cough” when she coughs, and she smiles. Which is better than crying, which she used to do… Another sad thing is she has lost her crying voice, so instead of making a high-pitched cry when she’s upset, she just breathes out, and you can’t hear anything. It’s pitiful, and a little less grating on the nerves… Awful, I know…

Sleeping
She’s a rockstar sleeper! Alex sleeps through the night about 5 times per week, and occasionally will get up, have a bottle, and then go back to sleep. She goes to bed around 7:30-8:00 pm, and I usually wake her up during the week at 7:00 am, or on the weekends she’ll sleep until 7:30. She takes 3 naps per day, ranging from 45 minutes to 2 hours, usually one 2 hour nap, and 2 other 45 minutes naps. All of this in her crib. 

Eating
Alex is a very hungry little girl. At the request of daycare, we have increased her bottle size to 7 ounces, and she finally seems content, although sometimes she doesn’t finish it completely. She drinks 5-6 bottles per day, depending on if she is at daycare or at home. It’s funny, at daycare she eats about every 3 hours, and at home she eats about every 4 hours. I was worried about it for awhile, trying to get daycare to extend her eating schedule so it would comply with home, but I’m giving up. She seems happy with it, and so who cares? I think it relates to her nap schedules. At daycare she doesn’t nap as well or as long, so she is hungrier quicker and wants to eat more often. We have started solids, and she has tried rice cereal, oatmeal, bananas, pears, peaches, sweet potatoes, squash, and green beans. She has good days and bad. Before she got the stomach bug, she was starting to eat like a champ, but we have definitely regressed with all the sickness. So we try every day with a little food, but most days she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Daycare seems to be a little more successful with it that me, so I figure I’ll just let her figure that out at daycare, and then once she likes eating, do more at home.

Milestones
Alex has been rolling over, every which way, for months, but she hasn’t yet figured out that she could move somewhere by rolling over. She is still very immobile, which is just fine with me – nothing is baby proofed! She’s starting to sit up for longer periods of time – she can go a minute or two without toppling over. And she definitely prefers sitting up to being on her back! She plays constantly, always wants to have something in her hands, which then means it must go in her mouth. We play the game, “Does this go in my mouth?” And yes, everything goes in her mouth… No teeth yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming, as everything must be gummed. It’s very easy to get Alex to smile, but she’s not a big laugher. Occasionally she’ll give you a little chuckle, or if something is really funny, a squeal. But most of the time she’s quiet, but will have a huge grin on her face.

Favorites
 Alex loves her bath time. She takes a bath most nights in her new bath chair, which is very nice for sitting in the tub. About once a week, I take a bath with her in the big tub, and we practice floating, and dunking, which doesn’t seem to faze her. I took her into a friend’s pool for the first time last week, and she loved it! She had the best time, just chilling out and observing the other kids. Daddy bought her a jumper, and she thinks that’s the best thing ever! She can sit in there, and jump for a long time, all by herself. But her favorite thing is her two brothers – the dogs. Her face lights up whenever she sees Kodiak or Jackson, and they are starting to figure out that she can be fun too. Yesterday I had her strapped in her bouncy chair on the couch, and she saw Kodiak walking by. She pulled herself up into a sitting position, and she leaned over the side to grab him. He stopped and she patted his head and grabbed his hair for a couple minutes, and it seemed like both really enjoyed it! This is their first real interaction when nobody else was involved! It was so cute seeing them – I know they’ll always be good friends.

I am a good mom

I realize I’ve been kind of hard on myself lately. The only thing I want to do is be a good mom to my little girl, and even though I beat myself up about what I could do better, I think it’s wise to interrupt these thoughts and focus on all the things I’ve done in the last few days that makes me a good mom.

-I greet my baby girl every morning with the biggest smile I can, wanting her to be surrounded in happiness.

-I spend hours poring over the internet and baby books trying to figure out the best way to ___ (whatever it happens to be that day – for some reason I think I do this more at work than at home – if I were at home all day I seriously doubt I would spend this much time on the internet researching stuff – I would just do it!)

-During the 10 minute drive between work and daycare at the end of the day, I focus on taking deep breaths and letting go of all the stress of work, and remember to be present for baby girl. It takes a conscious effort to transition to the mommy part of my life, and let go of the professional woman part of my life, and I try to mentally transform before I pick her up from daycare.

-During the two hours of wake-time I have with Alex every night, I try to focus only on her. I feed her, change her, play with her, bathe her, rock her, tell stories to her, put her to bed. Close to the end of the two hours, her daddy comes home, and the three of us always have some nice moments of family time. Hubs and I have been focusing on her, and our little moments of time with her, which makes me so happy. My favorite moment is after the whole bedtime routine is done, I put her in her crib as I’m finishing her last song, and she looks up at me with this huge smile. I then bend over and kiss her good night, and our last memory of each other every night is staring into each other’s eyes, smiling.

-My MIL is coming to town today for a week, and I have been thinking of ways for them to spend quality time together. My MIL thinks the sun rises and sets on Alex, and I don’t want to do anything to spoil this!

-I spent a few minutes with the daycare lady this morning, talking about feeding Alex. They asked me to increase her food as she seems too hungry before eating, and is pissed when the bottle is done. So with the hope of getting to 3 hour internals (I was hoping to push it to 4, but they’ve been feeding her after 2.5!), we’ve increased the amount of formula to 7 ounces from 6. She still has 6 bottles per day – seriously, I think 42 ounces per day is too much! But we’re also trying to get her to eat solid foods, which she hasn’t been too interested in. So hopefully when she eats more solids, her formula intake will decrease. But if you use the 2.5 x weight = ounces per day formula, at 16 pounds, she should be eating 40 ounces. But it still seems like way too much… Anyway, the good mom part is I’m trying – real hard – to figure out the right thing to do with little Alex and make her happy but not overfed.

-Last night after weeks of patient trying, I got Alex to eat about an ounce of solid food – homemade pears mixed with oatmeal cereal. (I’ve been making all her solid food except cereal, and it’s so easy and economical!) The trick last night was to distract her with a toy in one hand, and then shovel food in her mouth in the other. I know this isn’t a good long-term strategy, but I hope this helps her learn again what this solid food thing is all about. We had about 3 days of good eating before she got sick, and then it all was thrown out the window. When she got well again, we had to start over. But I’m hopeful that with time and patience she’ll figure it out!

-Every night during bath time, I sing songs to her, and she alternates between playing with her toys, and staring at me with those big brown eyes, with a little smile on her face. Seriously, it’s that face that gets me every time!!!

The overall theme of all of this is that I try. I think this is true for a lot of us moms. Sure, we could beat ourselves up over stopping breastfeeding too early, or doing something at the wrong time, and unfortunately we do beat ourselves up. But what we need to remember is that if we’re trying real hard, and we love our kiddos with all our heart, the rest will fall into place. I know I will screw up at times in this journey called motherhood, but I hope at the end of the day I will remember that I tried my very best to raise my little girl in the best way I can. This little 16-pound bundle of goodness has completely changed my life, and I love her more than I ever thought possible. And that makes me a good mom.

PAIL Theme Post: What Kind of Parent Are You?

I’m an accountant. Most people think that this means I love numbers, and can do all kinds of math in my head. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, numbers are ok, but if I don’t have my calculator, I can’t function. But there’s a different kind of accountant than those that most think about – the research kind of accountant. A large part of my job is to research accounting rules, figure out if my company is in compliance with those rules, write memos about why the company is in compliance with the rules (or how to fix it if the company is NOT in compliance), and then present my position to auditors or the board of directors. I enjoy doing this job – researching the rules, and then applying it to my company. It’s like solving giant word problems every day. I used to be an auditor, and auditors use something called a workprogram. It’s basically a giant to do list for each section of the audit. The workprogram is something that gives me comfort. I like the idea of going through each section, checking off what is complete, and knowing that once all the steps are checked off, I will be done.

I tend to apply this analytical process to the rest of my life. When I started trying to conceive, and it wasn’t going very well, I researched the problem, bought and read every book I could find, talked to many people, and pushed to solve the problem with my mind and analytical skills. As many of us IF veterans do, I gave myself medical training so I could speak with my doctors intellectually. I wanted to be a proactive and informed patient, and I believe that my eventual success is due to this. I could have just listened to what my doctor said, and keep trying, but I searched for better doctors, and insisted on additional tests, and then applied my new knowledge to insist on different treatment, which eventually led to my baby girl Alex.

When I finally became pregnant, and then started feeling a little more comfortable that I wouldn’t have another miscarriage, I realized I was about to embark on a new endeavor: parenting! I’ve never done this, and just like anything in my life, I did what comes naturally to me: I hit the books! Here is a list of parenting and baby books in my Kindle app (all of which I have read), in no particular order (not including the pregnancy or trying to conceive books): The Moms on Call Guide to Basic Baby Care; The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems; Baby 411; On Becoming Baby Wise (Parts 1 & 2); Bringing Up Bebe; The Working Gal’s Guide to Babyville; Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child; The Happiest Baby on the Block; What Babies Say Before They Can Talk; The Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk; The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding; The Baby Book: Everything you Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two; Baby Basics. Goodness, I didn’t realize I read that many! This is a bit absurd, I know, especially because there are about five others that are at home on my nightstand that weren’t available in Kindle form…

The Baby Whisperer book talks about different styles of parents, and one of them is called “by the book”. I guess this is what I am, as I’m always searching for that perfect book, the one that will make me feel like I know what I’m doing, and feel confident in my choices. This is different from another style of parenting: “confident”. I wish I was more confident in my parenting, and could rely more on my instincts. I wish I had more instincts! I hate that I’m like this, that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, but reading books and relying on the “experts” makes me feel more comfortable, and more confident. This is the researcher in me: I’m a rules-follower, but I don’t feel comfortable making the rules, I only feel good following somebody else’s rules. When I put it that way, this isn’t something that sounds very good…

As far as parenting method, after reading and researching everything from Dr. Sears to Ferber, we have implemented a somewhat loose schedule on baby Alex, and it seems to be working very well. We use a lot of the techniques in Baby Wise, at least the structure aspects, but we don’t follow the clock as much as we just keep the routine in her life. I guess this is more Baby Whisperer than Baby Wise. I personally can’t stand to hear my baby cry, so I couldn’t do real cry-it-out like Ferber would suggest. But we do let her cry for 10 minutes max, as Alex really seems to need some time to roll around in her crib and settle down before sleeping. Up until about 10 weeks, she was fed on-demand, but I had some serious milk supply issues, and I think I did that all wrong as she only got snacks, and never a full feeding. Once I started trying to give her full meals of both breastmilk and formula, things got a lot easier, and she got a lot happier. Now we have a 5-month little girl who regularly sleeps in her crib from 8:30 pm to 7:00 am, without waking. She takes 3-4 naps per day, and is incredibly happy unless she is tired or hungry.

If I were to stay at home instead of work, and if I felt like I could rely more on my instincts, I would really like to follow a more attachment style of parenting. I love sleeping with my baby, except I don’t ever seem to get much sleep with her next to me, and she seems to sleep more consistently in her own bed. I wear or carry Alex as much as I can on the weekends, figuring she gets plenty of time for alone play at daycare. But besides this I really like the theory of attachment parenting. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about the bonds that babies form with their primary caregivers, and how this impacts the rest of their life. I was adopted at four years old, and prior to this I was homeless with my birth mother at times, and was in 18 different foster homes at other times. My adoptive mother tells stories of having a very hard time bonding with me, and we still struggle with this. I’ve always struggled with relationships, and forming bonds with others. I wonder how much the first four years of my life impacts my life, and now impacts my parenting skills. I think this definitely impacts my lack of confidence in my parenting skills, and my lack of instinct on what to do with Alex. So even though I like the idea of attachment parenting, I lack the confidence that I think is required for it. Attachment parenting requires the parent to be stronger and more self-confident than I feel most of the time. This is why I need something that gives me a formula, or a workprogram, on how to parent. Knowing this, I have gravitated towards establishing routines, and scheduling Alex’s life a little more than attachment parenting would prescribe. As I’m writing this, I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well, but I hope this makes sense!

Whatever we’re doing, I think it’s working, because Alex seems to be doing really well. I think the routines that we’ve established in her life seem to help her know what’s happening next, and they make me more confident as well. The days when she is at her best are the days when there aren’t a lot of changes to routine, and she has plenty of time to play and cuddle. She smiles almost all day long it seems, and her smile just melts my heart. I want to do the best for Alex, and so far, at least I know I’m trying my best! We’ve accomplished the early baby stage, and she’s sleeping well, seems happy, got over her first big illness, and is now learning new things every day! I love watching her explore her toys, and her fascination in everything. Speaking of, I want to learn more about how babies learn, and the best way to teach her new things. Does anyone have any good suggestions for books? :)

Quitter

I quit breastfeeding. After struggling with supply issues for five months, I quit last week. And I’m sad about it. My husband convinced me that there was something wrong with my milk, and that is the reason why Alex continued to throw up, long after a stomach virus would normally continue. I could have done an elimination diet, but I already was limiting most items that are usual suspects in dietary issues – dairy, spicy food, caffeine, etc. I could have, or should have, fought him more, and fought for continuing breastfeeding more, or at least pumped and dumped or froze the milk while we figured things out, but I didn’t. I gave up. It seemed to help Alex for a couple days, but she resumed throwing up so I know it wasn’t the breast milk… About quitting, I feel a little relieved, and a lot guilty. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m trying to get over it. I’m trying to be proud of myself for lasting five months even with the supply issues. And learn for the next time, because hopefully I will get pregnant again, and breastfeed my child again, and last longer, hopefully for my original goal of one year. This is what I will do differently next time: pump more early, use herbs and maybe even domperidone from the beginning, rent hospital pump immediately, insist on lactation consultant help, get help from people other than my husband at home for the first couple weeks, and tell my husband to pound sand when it comes to anything about breastfeeding… Overall, I’m very glad I breastfed my baby girl for 5 months, I wish I would have done it longer, I hated the struggle every day about milk supply, I still don’t understand why my husband never supported me in breastfeeding, and I’m happy to have that chapter in my life OVER!

Now on to better things – my little Alex! I’m happy to report that she hasn’t thrown up since Sunday, and was able to go back to daycare yesterday. We went back to the doc on Monday, and the doc thinks that Alex’s sickness started as a stomach virus, but given that she was happy throughout it all, and would only throw up occasionally, that it may have transitioned into something else. We gave them a poop sample (digging around in a diaper for enough poop for a sample is something I never thought I would do, but strangely wasn’t a huge deal – the things we do as a mom…) and will get the results in a few days. But in the meantime the doc told us to try Enfamil AR, which has added rice and thickens in baby’s belly. Perhaps the thicker formula will stay in Alex’s belly better than other formula. So she’s been on that since Monday night. She hasn’t thrown any of it up, and she seems to like it, but she also seems very hungry! She gets pissed when she finishes a bottle, so I’ve increased the bottles to 6 ounces from 4-5, and I’m a bit hesitant to go over that, but I might tomorrow. In general she seems a bit grumpy – quick to be hungry, and angry when she’s done eating. She gets 6-7 bottles a day, at 5-6 ounces each – this is huge, right? She weighs a little over 15 pounds, and using the 2.5 times weight = ounces, it would be 37.5 ounces, so maybe that is right… I guess it’s good that she’s so hungry, it means she has her appetite back, and will gain some of the weight she lost while being sick. Maybe I should increase her bottles to 7 ounces and see what happens…

Before Alex got sick, she was starting to try solid foods a bit, and was figuring it out. We stopped solids while she was sick, so it’s been a couple weeks. I tried to give her oatmeal and squash last night, both of which she liked before getting sick, and she wanted nothing to do with it! I’m going to try prunes tonight, as I think the new formula is clogging her up – she hasn’t pooped since Monday, which could also be causing some of the fussiness. I gave her some apple juice last night and this morning to help with constipation, and she loved it! I know we should limit juice, but at this point, I just want her to poop! Or really anything so I can get my happy healthy baby back!!!

Just doing my best

This mothering thing is hard. And I’m not talking about my normal complaints of there’s so much to do, and not enough hours in the day, blah, blah, blah. I think I was expecting that part. The hardest thing about mothering is not knowing what to do, and feeling guilty and conflicted about the decisions I make. I wish I were more confident, and that I had stronger instincts. Some women talk about this mothering instinct that just takes over, but I don’t feel that, at least about the big things. I think the minute by minute stuff I can figure out, or instinct takes over, but what about the big things? Like getting your child to sleep at night, and when to start solids, or what I’m dealing with right now – why is my baby sick?

Alex was sent home on Thursday from daycare due to vomiting and diarrhea. She seemed incredibly happy still, just couldn’t keep everything down. Looked like your average stomach virus. And so we started a regimen of pedialyte and once she could keep that down for awhile, a little bit of breast milk or formula. Small and often meals, as directed by the doc. The last time she threw up was around noon on Saturday, and then the last time she had diarrhea was Saturday night. Upon the recommendation of the hubs (who, as a reminder, is not pro-breast feeding, and has been encouraging me to quit for months), we only fed her formula yesterday (Sunday). And she seemed fine. The daycare’s rule is she needs to be symptom free for 24 hours before she can return, so she was allowed to return today, but I chose to stay home with her and watch her. I wanted to make sure she was back to a full day of milk with no pedialyte before I sent her back to daycare. So I nursed her this morning like normal, except I made her take a break in the middle so she would have small and often meals instead of a lot of milk all at once. A few hours later, she threw up all over. And then an hour later, threw up some more. She seems to be reacting poorly to my breast milk. All the evidence over the last few days makes it look like she can keep formula down, but throws up breast milk.

And so, I’m thinking of quitting. I know I shouldn’t quit over a few days of maybe coincidences with a potentially sick baby, but it seems so odd. There’s no fever, she doesn’t act like anything’s wrong, except she throws up breast milk. I’ve actually been thinking of throwing in throwing in the breast feeding towel for awhile. I’m sick of pumping at work, and everything that is involved. I’ve spent five months (can you believe my baby is five months old???) fighting my low milk supply so she has always had formula as well as breast milk, and I’ve hated all of the supply issues, from the herbs to the domperidone, to the constant pumping. But I love knowing that I’m giving my baby immunities (yeah right – look how sick she is!) and I really like the physical act of nursing. I love how excited she gets when she sees my boobs and how she attacks me. I love how she looks up at me, and sometimes gets the biggest grin on her face, with milk spilling down her face. I love how if she wakes up in the middle of the night, all I have to do is grab her, bring her in my bed, give her a boob, and she drifts off happily to sleep. I will miss this so much.

But what if I’m making her sick? I called the doctor, and spoke with the nurse – she said it’s highly unlikely that I’m suddenly making her sick, that it’s a coincidence. But for the last five days, I’ve given her breast milk, and she pukes. And I give her formula, and she keeps it down. My husband of course thinks I should quit. He agreed to stay home from work tomorrow if she was sick, but now he thinks that it’s because I gave her breast milk, so he’s giving me a hard time about staying home.

I wish there was an answer, and that this decision was easier. I’m so conflicted. I want to do the best thing for Alex, but I feel like I’m poisoning her with my milk! At least with formula I know that it’s good for her. I think the most important time for breast feeding has passed – I got her through two rounds of shots, right? I thought I would fight stronger for breast feeding, but after infertility, and after my struggles with my milk supply, I no longer have confidence in my body to feed my child. In fact, I now think that I’m hurting her with it…

Siblings

I have a plethora of family members, thanks to being a child of divorce as well as being adopted. Let’s see, I have seven parents (mom, dad, step-mom, step-dad, birth mom, birth dad, and birth step-mom (I guess that’s what you would call it!)). And I have five siblings that I know of (half-brother (guy I grew up with, not related by blood since I was adopted but dad’s son from his first marriage), step-brother and step-sister from my step-dad, step-brother from my step-mom, and half sister (blood relation) from my birth mother but I’ve never met her). I think there’s another half sister somewhere out there from my birth father, but he gave her up for adoption too. Anyone confused yet? But with all these siblings, I don’t have anyone with whom I’m close. I grew up with my brother (half-brother, dad’s kid with first wife), so that’s the only one with whom I’ve had a real relationship, but we don’t talk much. I haven’t seen him in probably seven or eight years. When I was 12, and he was 16, he ran away from our home to live with his mother in California. Once he got there, he got into drugs and such, and ended up in jail and then rehab. He has bounced around jobs, girlfriends, and rehab since. We now keep in contact via Facebook, but I just found out on Facebook that he visited his mother (dad’s first wife) in Houston, THE TOWN I LIVE IN, for a week – last week! And he didn’t contact me. And his mother, whom I’m also friends with on Facebook, didn’t contact me either! Both of these people know that I live here, and I’ve expressed interest in getting together with his mother, but no, they didn’t call me at all. I’m hurt, and so disappointed that I had the opportunity to see my brother again, but for some reason they didn’t think to contact me.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I guess I’m not. We haven’t had a relationship in a long time. Really since he ran away when he was 16. I used to look up to him, and because we lived in the mountains away from many people, we hung out together, more than the typical brother/sister four years apart. He was my true brother for eight years (age 4 when I was adopted through 12 when he ran away), and I miss him. It’s now 24 years later, but I miss having my brother in my life.

I’ve always been jealous of those with close sibling relationships. It’s good to have someone in your life that will always be there, and you can be more yourself with than your parents. Also when our parents leave our lives, which inevitably happens with time, our siblings will still be around. I technically have five (maybe six) siblings, and I’m not close with any of them. This makes me sad, and I wish for something different for my Alex. I hope she can have siblings in her life, and that she is close with them. I hope she develops relationships with them that will last a lifetime.

I needed this reminder this week. Once again, the hubs is not helping out at home. He was really good after his three weeks of Daddy Daycare, but somehow he forgot what he learned while home with Alex, that it takes a lot to run our household. And maybe I got too reliant on him helping out around home, because I asked for something unusual – sleeping in on a weekend morning. He has slept in almost every weekend morning since Alex has been born, but I haven’t done it once. I won’t go into all the details, but it did not go well – at all. And since then I’ve been back to my status of single mom with a husband, because he got pissed and he shows his anger by not doing anything. Which sucks. The first place that my mind goes to is I will not do this again – I won’t have another baby and have to take care of everything by myself. For a couple of days, I kept repeating in my head that I won’t have another baby – it’s too much work by myself. But then, I saw that Facebook update about my brother being here in Houston, and I realized that I want something better for my child. I want her to know the joy and companionship that a sibling can bring to her life. And that to deny her this because I don’t want the additional work that will come with another baby when I don’t have a husband who helps out much is selfish. And so I will continue with our plan: after Alex is a year old, at which time I will finally quit breastfeeding, I’ll go back to the RE and arrange an FET. We are so lucky to have five frozen embryos waiting for us, and I will do my best to turn those into a baby. (But what if I have twins or more? Can you imagine the work involved with multiples AND a toddler? Oh God, someone talk me off a ledge…)

Of course, this all assumes that I can have another baby, which we all know is a BIG assumption…

Sleep!

I feel like such a cliché: here I am, trying to figure out how to get my 4 ½ month old child to sleep more. I think the problem is I know it’s possible – she has done it before. When Alex was about 10 weeks old, we started implementing routines of eat, awake, sleep, loosely based on Babywise (but no crying it out). And it worked. Within a couple weeks, Alex went from getting up around 4-5 times each night to once or twice, just in time for me to return to work. And for about 4 days there, she didn’t get up at all. We gave her a dream feed, but other than that, she would sleep all night long. But then, she didn’t. Starting about 3 ½ months, she started waking up early – about 3 or 4 in the morning. Being the sleepy head that I am at that time in the morning, I would run upstairs, grab her, and bring her into bed (why TX houses have the master room downstairs is just beyond me!). I’d give her a boob, and we would all sleep until the morning. I would wake up, and try to slip out of bed without anyone waking up. Which worked – sometimes. And then a couple weeks ago, she started waking up at 1 am, and at 4 in the morning! I would be happy with continuing to grab her and co-sleep, except to be honest, I wasn’t sleeping with her next to me. I love co-sleeping, I really do. If it were completely up to me, and if I didn’t work, I would probably do that forever, or at least until she got embarrassed in college about it… But when she’s next to me, and especially when she’s sleeping with my boob in her mouth (her preferred method), I don’t sleep. I may drift in and out, but I’m always very aware of where she is, whether covers are over her, if the hubs is moving, making sure he doesn’t crush her, etc. Also my position when she sleeps next to me is so uncomfortable that I get up every morning with an aching back.

When I started getting comments from the hubs about spoiling our baby, I knew that our co-sleeping was coming to an end. Plus I was starting to get very bleary eyed. And I firmly believe that good sleep is very good for children. I have so many friends whose kids get up every night and crawl into their parents beds, or won’t go to sleep at night. My friends spend hours putting them to bed each night, or have to hang out outside their doors to make sure their kids don’t come out after bedtime. This is not how I want to raise my kids! I also have a few friends who have raised their children to be good sleepers, and these are also the same kids who can go out to a restaurant and sit nicely at the table with their parents. These are the kind of kids I want to raise – those that are pleasurable to be around! The parents who with well-behaved kids tend to be the ones who have rules, and have done some sort of sleep training. Hubs and I have talked about this a lot, and we both agree that we should do this (and he helps – you should have seen the spreadsheets he developed during daddy daycare!). So a few days ago, when Alex cried in the middle of the night, I would go to her, nurse her and then put her back in her crib. And she was fine. We do this twice each night – once around 1, and once around 5 am. Then I wake her up at 7 to eat and get dressed, and we leave for daycare about 7:45. But how do I get her to drop the middle of the night feedings?

Two nights ago, I was feeling awful and exhausted. I’ve been fighting a cold all week, and I was just done. So I asked hubs to do the bedtime routine, including giving Alex a bath and a bottle right before bed. Thankfully he agreed, and so I went to bed. In 4.5 months, this was the first time that Alex was put to bed by someone other than me. Other people, including hubs, my MIL, daycare people, have put her down for naps just fine. But nobody else has done the bedtime thing. I figured it would be fine, but I wanted to test it out before a planned event in early April – we’re actually going to get a babysitter and go out! Well, it didn’t go well. We have a routine where if Alex cries after being put in her crib, we let her cry for 5 minutes, then console her, then 10 minutes, then console her, and keep going back every 10 minutes until she sleeps. She’s never cried after the 1st 10 minute consoling. Until Daddy put her to bed two nights ago… It did not go well. After listening to her cry and hubs trying to get her to calm down for a few sessions, I finally got out of bed and took over. And she went to sleep instantly without crying! He told me good job, but it’s a problem. I can’t be there every night to put her to bed!

I started thinking about our routines, and I think I’ve been feeding her to sleep at night. Either by nursing or with a bottle, I put her into her crib either asleep or super drowsy. And then in the middle of the night, when she cries, I immediately nurse her and she falls back asleep. Maybe I need to console her in the middle of the night without feeding her? And make sure she’s more awake when I put her in the crib at the beginning of the night?

Last night, I fed her right before bedtime, and she was super drowsy. But I pulled a book out, and read it to her with a lot more enthusiasm and excitement than I normally do at bedtime. She woke up a bit, and started to play with the pages (so cute!). Then I sang her a song, told her I loved her, and put her in her crib with her wide awake. I gave her a lovie (small silky blanket), turned on her mobile, and walked away. She fussed, not really crying, for about 2-3 minutes, and then fell asleep. And amazingly, I woke her up at 7 am!!! For the first time in over a month, she slept all night long!!! Now I’m smarter than I was before – I know this could be a fluke. But I have hope again – maybe this will work.

But I’d love to hear from others about sleep tips. Honestly, I can handle the middle of the night waking. It’s a special time that we have, and I kind of miss it when she sleeps all night. Because I’m a working mom, I cherish the time we have together, which is also part of the reason I loved sleeping with her! But the real problem is we need to make sure that other people can put her to bed. The babysitter that will be over in April needs to be able to put her to bed, and Daddy needs to be able to do it too! So we’re going to try to have him do it more. I have this dream of a glorious little sleeper that wakes up in the morning in a great mood – how do I get there?

Phew! And one year ago...

Seven weeks after returning to work, we finally finished our yearend deadline. Ah, the life of an accountant… So I’m hoping that I now will have some more time for blogging. Sorry for being so behind on catching up on blogs – I’m hoping I can catch up in the next week!

Things are going amazingly well at home and at work. I was very lucky to be able to arrange at-home care for little Alex for the first six weeks after returning to work. My MIL took care of her the 1st week, we hired a friend as a nanny for two weeks, and then the hubs did Daddy Daycare for 3 weeks. I was a little worried about how it would go, but it was amazing! I highly recommend this for every father out there, even if it’s for a week. He is very lucky to have paid paternity leave from his company, but even if they have to take vacation, it is definitely worth it for dads to be completely responsible for their babies when the moms go back to work for at least a week! I came home every day, and took over baby care from him, and we had nice evenings together. He made dinner almost every night, and took care of (almost) everything at home. He even got some painting and landscaping done during naps. Yes, the house was a little messy, but I’m working on relaxing my standards a bit, and just being ok with a little messiness. Because the only thing that’s important is taking care of Alex. We are grateful for our maid that comes in once a week, and I am now paying her a little more as we’re messier than we ever have been, and she’s doing a great job for us. I was worried about hubs returning back to work, and just going back to his old method of not doing anything, but we talked about this before he returned, and he has taken on complete responsibility of washing bottles and preparing them for daycare every evening. Just to have him take on this job makes everything better. I know that he is contributing to the care of Alex, and this is something that he can do even if he comes home late. And he admitted that before Daddy Daycare he was unsure of what needed to be done, and he didn’t realize how much had to be done, so he’s happy to help now. We haven’t fought in weeks – it’s awesome!

Alex started daycare on Tuesday. She has been doing great, and I’m proud to say that I didn’t cry at all this morning (unlike the first few days)… The first day was awful. I had a list of things I was going to tell them in the morning, and I just started crying hysterically so I had to run out of there. I didn’t want Alex to see me crying like that. I went back at lunch, and of course she was sleeping. But the daycare folks were nice, and very understanding of my tears – I’m sure they see it a lot. They seem to be really good to her, and tell me every day how happy she is at daycare. And I love the director, who seems very involved in everything. I wish I could spend more time with Alex, but if I have to send her to daycare, I’m very happy with my choice of places.

Breastfeeding is still going. I started taking domperidone about a month ago, and it helped a little. Just like herbs and other stuff, I had this dream of waking up one day with leaky breasts and a ton of milk, but that of course never happened. I’ve been fighting this milk supply issue for over four months, and it’s exhausting! I went to a La Leche League meeting a couple weeks ago, and they gave me some really good advice. After listening to all that I’ve been doing to increase my supply, and my pump and feeding schedule, and hearing how frantic I am about my supply, they told me to relax. I never had the ease of breastfeeding, considering I’ve been supplementing and nursing and pumping since day 3 of Alex’s life. So it is all difficult. They told me that I won’t be able to keep up this frenetic pace, and I show signs of breastfeeding burnout. They said it’s more important to keep nursing a little for longer than it is to have a certain amount of ounces now. So do whatever I can to make it easier on myself. And nurse more – let go of the pump some. I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night to pump, and they said to stop doing that. For the first time, I had people who are obviously very pro-breastfeeding telling me to stop trying so hard to increase my supply. And it was so nice to hear! Or maybe it’s the first time I received permission to relax, and I actually listened. What they said makes so much sense. So now I have no idea how much I’m making (I still think it’s around 20 ounces max) but I’m focusing more on the relationship and intimacy aspects of breastfeeding, which got lost in the milk supply issues. They even suggested stopping pumping at work if it will keep me nursing longer, but I haven’t done that. Amazingly, I can still get work done during pumping sessions (and now I’m going to use that time for blogging) so I don’t feel like I need to stop pumping at work. But I’m going to try to stop using my pump at home, except for a late night session right before I go to bed. Using this kind of schedule makes it so much easier on me, and I get to focus on that adorable little grin that she gives me when nursing, causing milk to spill out of her mouth. Love that!

We took our first flight together this past weekend. We went to Denver for a short trip for a friend’s baby shower and to see everyone, and Alex was great! I recently purchased an Ergo carrier, and I love it! The Bjorn was nice when she was little, and I used the Moby some when she was little too. But now that she’s bigger, I don’t really like either of those. But the Ergo is fantastic! At four months, Alex is too excited with the world to be able to sleep on the go. But I was able to put her in the Ergo, pull up the little hood thing to block off the world, and she was able to get some good naps in while I was at a happy hour with friends! What a fabulous invention! Plus it helped in the airport and on the plane. As we boarded, one guy a couple rows back made some comment, “Oh great!” when he saw us board. But I’m happy to say that little Alex didn’t cry or scream or anything! I just gave the guy a big smile at the end of the flight…

All in all, things are going really well for us. Alex is healthy (which I hope continues now that she has started daycare), the hubs and I are doing really well, and we’re all figuring out our new schedule which involves daycare and working. This is the life I dreamed of, and I’m so thankful that I get to live it!


One year ago today (wow, I just realized it is one year), I found out about this little one I now call my daughter. I peed on a stick, and my whole life changed. I was so scared that my pregnancy wouldn’t last, and so I spent much of my pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I get to hold my baby girl and know that one year later, my dream has come true. I am a mother to the most amazing little girl I’ve ever seen. She made it all worth it – all the heartache, the months of trying with no success, the treatments, and even the pain of losing my babies. I wish I had those babies, but then I wouldn’t have my little Alex. And she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would do it all over again, as long as I can have her in my life. This is a pic I took of her on her first day of daycare, and I look at it all day long. This smile keeps me going.

It’s better to be happy and loving than fair

That’s my new motto, and I tell myself this regularly. As you can tell from my previous post, the hubs and I have been struggling – a lot. I really appreciate all the comments from everyone. It’s so nice to have the support of my girlfriends, even if they’re all over the blogosphere! In retrospect, hubs’ comments were not about breast milk at all. I think he’s overwhelmed with being a new parent too, and things are very different in our household than they used to be. I don’t really do well when I’m tired and stressed, and I think I haven’t been the easiest person to be around. Yes, I need help, but instead of being proactive about it and talking to him calmly prior to needing help, I sometimes wait until I’m desperate for help, and a bit frantic. And he does not respond well to that. I’ve been focusing too much on how unfair the distribution of labor is between the two of us, instead of creating a happy home for our baby girl. I even sat down and wrote down each of the tasks that it takes to run our household, from taking out the trash to bathing Alex, quantified the amount of time each task takes, and identified who currently performs each task. What did I learn? That I spend about four times the time each week on our household than the hubs. Not a huge surprise, but what does this gain me?

I thought about sitting the hubs down and showing him this list, telling him he needed to help out more. I thought about how that conversation would go, and couldn’t come up with any scenario in which I would actually get what I want – a more fair household. But is this really that important? I love my husband, and I love Alex, and isn’t that really all that matters? I try not to fight in front of Alex, but as she gets older, she’s going to figure out that Mommy’s bitter and mad all the time, and Daddy is pissed off and saying mean things to Mommy. Is this what I want? Absolutely not. I remember that kind of household. I grew up in that kind of home. I knew for a very long time that my mom and dad hated each other. They stayed together for the “sake of the kids” and I knew that. Finally, when I was twelve, I wrote them a letter asking them to get a divorce, and I told them that staying together for the sake of me is not helping me, it’s only hurting me. I hated being at home, listening to them argue after I went to bed. It was such a tense environment, I swore I would never do that to my child. I really love my husband, and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Why shouldn’t it be a happy and loving home instead of a bitter and maybe fair, but probably not fair, home? Yes, I want to teach my daughter that both parents should participate in the household, and that women aren’t subservient and meant to take care of their men. But if I have to fight her father every day in order to accomplish this, is it worth it? I would rather be a single mom than have her grow up in an unhappy home. So I wrote the hubs this email last week before I went home:

“I’ve decided that a happy household, where you and I are happy with each other and enjoy each other’s company, is much more important to me than trying to achieve some level of fairness, that is really only in my mind. And it’s very important that we create a happy household for Alex to grow up in. I need to accept that both of us at different times will be doing different amounts of work, and that’s just how it is, and it has to be ok. Every couple has struggles when they become parents, and this time is difficult on both of us. We’re both tired, and stressed, and trying to figure out a way to manage. But we need to be nice to each other. That’s the most important thing. Because Alex deserves parents that are loving, both to her and with each other. So I’m going to go home soon, and focus on creating a happy household for us and our daughter. OK?”

I didn’t get an email response, but that night when he came home from work and I was giving Alex a bath, he washed and prepared the bottles for the next day. All on his own, without me asking. For the first time. Since then, we’ve been nice to each other. And I’ve tried to stop tallying in my head everything I do versus everything he does. But he’s been doing more, mostly with me asking, but sometimes on his own as well. I love our home when we’re both nice. We made it through the whole weekend with no fighting, which is huge for us lately! And today, I left him at home for the first day of Daddy Daycare, as we call it. He’s taking care of Alex for three weeks. A couple of you asked last week if he’ll be able to handle it. Yes, I have no concerns with him being able to take care of her. He did it for one day already a few weeks ago, and did just fine. He’s great with her, but he chooses to not take care of her and allows me to do everything, which frustrates me more than if he were incompetent! But I think it’s great that he’s doing this. Yes, it will give him an opportunity to see what it really takes to run things day in and out. But I really want him to be able to bond with her more. A lot of his time will be changing diapers, and feeding and such, but as all of you moms know, that’s when you really bond with your babies. She’s also starting to play a lot more, and he excels at that. But I’m so excited that they will have this time together.

Hubs has lots of ideas of all the things he will accomplish around the house during these three weeks. He asked me to put together a list of things that need to be fixed/painted/organized, etc. I did, but I told him that his only requirement is to take care of Alex, and all of the rest is optional. We’ll see how it goes. I really hope that he doesn’t create additional work, and that the house isn’t a total disaster when I come home in the evenings! But even if it is, as long as Alex is happy, fed and clean, it will be just fine!

“Your breast milk is worthless”

That’s what my husband told me last night. It was at the end of a discussion which obviously didn’t go well. I always knew that he wasn’t very supportive of breastfeeding, but I got absolute confirmation last night. Before I gave birth, he went to the breastfeeding class with me, but they really didn’t cover the benefits of breastfeeding. Due to limited time, the instructor said she assumed everyone was aware of the benefits, and just covered the mechanics. Hubs was bored and played Sudoku during the whole class. I asked him prior to giving birth to be real supportive of breastfeeding, that I needed him to be my cheerleader in the process. He said he was sure it would be fine, and I told him I was worried about it because I knew that others had problems, and I wasn’t sure if my infertility would cause problems. He told me not to worry about it.

When I gave birth and my milk supply didn’t come in, he wouldn’t say anything encouraging, but he liked it when I started supplementing with formula. Of course, our baby was starving... He was the one to research formula and purchase the sensitive version to help with her reflux and spitting up. I kept struggling to increase my supply, and he didn’t say anything. I’ve recently realized that in the three months that Alex has been alive, he has not said one thing positive about breastfeeding. He hasn’t said anything negative really, just hasn’t said anything at all. He isn’t helpful with bottles or anything, just expects me to take care of all things feeding. Or if I’m being honest, most all things Alex… But in his passive aggressive way, he showed signs that he wasn’t supportive of breastfeeding. A few weeks ago a friend of mine came to visit and I told her in front of the hubs that he wasn’t that supportive of breastfeeding. He responded that he was very supportive of Alex eating. I should have taken the hint and dropped it.

But last night I brought it up. I asked him, saying I didn’t want to start a fight, but I wanted to know his honest opinion, what he thought of breastfeeding. He said it was fine, but he assumes that I’ll stop when she starts eating cereal next month. The man has no clue how long babies eat liquid formula or breast milk. And I know that most people don’t, especially men, but if you knew him, you would know that he does all kinds of research online – it’s one of his favorite things to do! He probably spent 3-4 hours just researching the regular vs. sensitive formula. Anyway, we tried to speak rationally with each other about it last night, but then he said that he doesn’t think Alex gets the nutrients she’s supposed to from breast milk. I told him that this was ignorant (probably not the best word choice), and that he needs to do more research. And then he told me that my breast milk is worthless.

Just to clarify, my daughter hasn't had a day without some formula since day 2 of her life. We started supplementing on day 3 because Alex wouldn't stop crying and my milk hadn't come in. It didn't come in until about day 8-9, and even then it was so very little. After tons of herbs and tons of pumping and breastfeeding, I've slowly increased my supply to 20 ounces per day - on a very good day. She always has some formula, and has been gaining weight very well. She started out her life around 30% on the weight charts, and is now about 75%... For him to claim that I've been depriving our child because I continue to try to breastfeed is completely ridiculous!

I’m actually pretty proud of myself about how I handled the conversation, all things considered. I didn’t raise my voice, or cry (in front of him). I stayed rational, and told him that I wasn’t sure why he would say what he did, but it was mean and not helpful. And that I would quit in a heartbeat, if I didn’t think I was doing the best thing I could do for Alex. He had nothing to say to that. And then he wouldn’t speak to me last night or this morning before we went to work. So then I sent him this email today: “I was serious last night. If you can provide me with some sound research by reputable sources saying that breast milk isn’t better, or “worthless” as you called it, I am very willing to quit. I’m sitting here pumping, and I hate it. It hurts, it interrupts my day and night, and every part of it sucks. And knowing that you don’t appreciate what I’m doing, that in fact you think it’s worthless, makes it so much worse. I only do it because I think it’s good for Alex. You usually do lots of research and are very knowledgeable about stuff which is why I was shocked when you said my breast milk is worthless, but if you have found some research or doctors or anyone that says this is true, I am very open to quitting. Please let me know what you have found.”

Surprise, surprise, he hasn’t responded. I hate this. He truly is one of the smartest people I know, and does all kinds of research about stuff. I really don’t believe that he thinks my breast milk is worthless, but he’s real good at saying mean things, especially when he’s feeling defensive. And when I spend 30 minutes every 3 hours all day and night long strapped to this stupid machine, just to make between 15-20 ounces each day, knowing that my husband thinks I should quit because he doesn’t see any value in it, and thinks that formula is better, well that certainly doesn’t encourage me to keep doing this!

I know I shouldn’t need his support, and that I know I’m doing the best thing for her so that should be enough. But I’m tired, and pumping adds so much additional stress to my life. I can handle it, for the sake of Alex, but to not have the hubs support is awful! I get so frustrated every night, because I watch him have downtime, playing his computer game and watching TV, while I run around the house and wash bottles, make bottles, take care of Alex, and pump. Yes, he feeds me every night, which I really appreciate. He figured out awhile ago that if he wants dinner other than cereal, he has to make it happen! Because I would be more than happy to have a bowl of cereal every night, if it means that I get to spend more time with Alex or sleeping. Those are my only priorities right now. Everything else I rush through when I’m at home – showering, making bottles, tidying up, laundry. I try to slow down when Alex is awake, so I can feed her, play with her and bathe her at a leisurely pace. But as soon as she’s asleep, I’m running around the house trying to get stuff done so I can go to bed. And he’s watching TV and playing his stupid game. I eat while doing my last pump of the night so I can at least do two things at once. Actually three – I will watch TV with the hubs during that time too. He gets frustrated because we used to watch certain TV shows together. Now I could care less – I tell him to watch them by himself if he wants. Not a priority. I rush around every night, and his life hasn’t changed one bit. So yes, I’m frustrated.

All this has been piling up, and I know everybody goes through stuff like this with a baby. It’s just so freaking hard on a relationship, isn’t it? Our division of labor at home is not fair – at all. I’ve asked him repeatedly to help me, that I need help especially now that I’m back at work. And he keeps playing that fucking computer game! I’ve been managing fine with all of this, but now that he insults my breast milk and thinks I should quit because pumping takes too much time for something that’s not worth it? I’m so pissed I can barely think straight.

3 Months!

My baby girl is three months old today! I can’t believe it. Time sure does go very quickly as a mom! I saw a newborn yesterday, less than a week old, and I couldn’t believe how tiny that little girl was, and she weighs the same as mine did when she was born. Alex has grown so fast, and is very healthy. I’m so thankful that she hasn’t been sick yet (knock on wood) and is doing so well! I am doing an awful job at writing stuff down while it happens, so I thought I would share some of the latest events here. Forgive me if this is boring, but it’s interesting to me… :)

Schedule & Feeding: A few weeks ago, as soon as we got back from Colorado (she was 10 weeks at the time), knowing that I was going to start work in two weeks, we started implementing a schedule, loosely based on Babywise, specifically the ordering of activities: eat, play, sleep. We have now established a loose schedule, and a bedtime routine, and these have helped us go from waking at least four times per night to waking usually once, and a few nights we haven’t had any waking at all! And there has been no crying it out in our household. We’ve had a little crying (mostly on my part) but no more than 5 minutes at a time. She’s way too young for the real CIO stuff, even if Babywise tells you otherwise.

Here is our schedule of feeding: 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 6pm, 7:30pm (or so). There is a nap within every increment except after the 6 pm feeding. That increment has feeding, play, bath, another feeding, bedtime. Then the hubs wakes her up about 10:30-11 pm for a dream feed. Then on the nights she wakes up, she usually wakes around 3 am. At the time of starting a schedule, I pretty much stopped nursing, except about once per day, but it’s sporadic, and really more of a treat than a planned event. I like knowing how much she is eating, and Alex seems to do better with full feedings, which we can control more considering I don’t make much milk. She eats between 4-5 ounces at each feeding, 2-3 ounces at her dreamfeed, and if she wakes up in the middle of the night, I try to get at least 3 ounces in her. If I let her fall asleep without eating enough (which happens a lot!) then she wakes up an hour or two later. That’s what happened during the first 10 weeks of her life. Due to my low milk supply, she would eat a little, act satisfied, and then want more an hour later. So then I would give her some formula, and then she would want more an hour or two later. Repeat and repeat – ALL DAY LONG!!! She never got a full feeding, and she never got more than an hour or two of sleep at a time. Which meant that I never slept either! So now I only pump, or mostly, and feed her using bottles. And both of us seem much happier! In total, she eats between 24-30 ounces each day, and usually about 15 of that is breast milk. I think (hope) that this will continue to provide her with the nutrients and immunities she needs, especially when she starts daycare on March 1. I would love to get her to 100% breast milk, but I am finally starting to accept that this may not happen… (although stay tuned – I placed an order for domperidone from an online pharmacy in India) This is taking a lot of conviction, as every day I think about quitting this pumping madness. Especially as she’s starting to sleep through some nights, and I’m still waking up to pump!

Milestones: She smiles a ton, and has started little giggles. Not real laughs, but little gasps which seem like giggles. She really seems like she’s figuring out the world, and it’s all so fascinating! She loves watching the TV, which I hate as I can picture her little brain cells frying while I watch her. So I keep it off as much as possible, but daddy doesn’t agree with this approach… In the last week, and especially the last few days, she’s fascinated by her hands. I sit her up on the couch, supported by the cushions, and all she does is stare at her hands, moving them around. So very cute watching her discover these things! She grabs onto toys a little, and starts to bat them around. She loves her activity gym, and makes squealing noises, kicking her legs, watching the lights and listening to the music. She’s not a fan of tummy time, as she starts grunting and then yelling about five minutes in. One time when she was real little (maybe 1 month old) she rolled from her tummy to her back, but she hasn’t done it since. She consistently rolls onto her left side while in her crib. And once she’s on her side, she seems to push her way around, up to 180 degrees from how she was when she first laid down! So cute finding her all rolled up on her side – just like I like to sleep. She also is figuring out her mouth, and is having fun sticking her tongue out at us. I’m not really sure if she’s imitating us, or if we’re imitating her, but it’s a fun game.

Size: Daddy bought her an infant scale, so we just put her on the other day. She’s over 13 pounds now! She’s definitely chunked out a little once we started feeding her by bottles. I don’t think she was necessarily starving before, but she seems happier now that she’s eating more at a time. And her thighs are so very cute – starting to get some rolls! She can’t wear any of her 0-3 month clothes anymore – they’re too short. They’re fine by width but she’s too long for them. So we’ve transitioned her to six month clothes. But it’s so sad looking at the bags of clothes in her closet that she can no longer wear! And she will be wearing size 2 diapers soon, as soon as we finish up her size 1 – they’re getting a little small.

Health: In general she’s been very healthy. She had a horrible diaper rash from about weeks 3 – 10. We finally got rid of it with a regime of light cornstarch-based powder first, then thick layer of cream (we were using a prescription diaper cream (Happy Hiney) and now are back to max strength desitin), then another dusting of powder. When it was real bad, we stopped using wipes and would use Viva paper towels in warm water, real gently. We went back to sensitive wipes when it got better, but I see a couple spots that are a little iffy, so we may go back to paper towels soon. Also she has some sort of rash or dry skin or eczema or something on her face. For her first two months, she had perfect skin on her face – it almost seemed unfair when most newborns’ skin looks so awful! But in the last month she’s had some funky stuff on her face. Some dryness, some bumps. I have been putting Eucerin and some natural oils on her face, and it helps some with the scaly parts, but some of it is still rough. It doesn’t seem to bother her, but I miss her perfect skin! And the other thing is the spit-up. Boy can that girl create some fountains out of her mouth! We recently switched from the drop-ins bottles to Dr. Browns, and that has seemed to help a little, at least with the pain that spitting up seems to cause. But it’s still there. It’s mostly a laundry problem, but sometimes she seems like it really hurts, which makes me feel awful! It does seem to be better with breast milk versus formula, so that encourages me when I’m getting up in the middle of the night to pump, but it’s still not perfect.

So those are the main things. All in all, things are perfect. I give her a bath every night, which is our special time. And during that bath I tell her how much I love her, and how every day I’m reminded how lucky I am to have her in my life. She’s the best part of my life, and I’m still amazed that I get to be her mother. I can’t wait for her to grow bigger and tell me what she’s thinking, but I wish she would stay this perfect little bundle of goodness forever.

And for those of you that made it through this lengthy update, here is a snap from this morning, wearing my favorite onesie for my little IVF baby. Made with Love (and Science!)

Back at Work

I can’t believe my maternity leave is over. It went by so quickly. We had the first seven weeks, when I was just trying to figure life out with a newborn. Then three weeks in Colorado staying with the in-laws, completely out of sorts, trying to make it through each day without melting down. Then two weeks at home, working part-time during naps, frantically trying to get my poor baby on some sort of schedule, just so she would sleep a little better at night, and not require someone to hold her all day every day, knowing I was going back to work. Each of these periods of time had their good moments, and their bad, and I wish I could redo this time. Because now I am at work, missing my baby girl, pumping every three hours, exhausted and trying to figure out how I’m going to sustain this life. Why does it have to be so hard?

I have good moments. Last night when I was bathing little Alex, she was happy. She stares at me during the whole bathtime, and I talk to her about my day and how I missed her, and I tell her how much I love her. I play with her, and I watch her as she moves around and splashes water. But the rest of the evening, she was not happy. She’s starting to get real fussy, particularly in the evenings, and I hate it. I miss her good mornings, when she’s full of smiles and happy to play. Now that I’m at work, someone else gets to enjoy those special times in her day. I wake her up in the morning, feed her a bottle, and then hand her off to my MIL, at least this week. Next week I’m hiring a friend’s sister to watch Alex for two weeks, then the hubs is off for three weeks, and then daycare. But I’m happy that I don’t have to drop Alex off for daycare until she’s four months old. It will be on her four month birthday in fact.

But back to Alex’s fussiness. I wonder if it could be because I’m no longer there. I got home last night, and she wouldn’t take a bottle from me. We stopped nursing at every feeding about two weeks ago, and I discovered that she wasn’t eating much at a time. With the hope that my milk supply was increasing, I would nurse her, and then wait for her to show hungry signs before giving her a bottle. And so what I got is a child who wouldn’t eat more that 2-3 ounces at a time, and just snacked all day and night long. Now that we’re on a feeding schedule, I’ve discovered that Alex wants about 5 ounces each feeding, about every 3 hours. With this kind of schedule, she now sleeps during most of the night, only waking up for a dream feed at 10:30 at night, and then around 3 am. Before implementing a schedule, she was waking up on average about 4 times per night. I knew I couldn’t maintain that kind of schedule when I went back to work!

And so we stopped nursing, almost exclusively, about two weeks ago. I pump, and then feed her expressed breast milk or formula for all but one feeding. My plan was to nurse her at 6 pm when I got home from work, and then give her a bottle. Well the last two nights she absolutely refuses to take a bottle from me! I nursed her, she acted like she was done, and so I tried to give her a bottle, and she screamed. Inconsolable crying, which is very unusual for her. Last night I was able to trick her a little before bedtime by nursing her, waiting until she dozed a little, then without her opening her eyes, I stuck a bottle in her mouth and she would drink some. Then she would open her eyes and scream! So miserable. I feel so bad, I really do think this is because she’s out of sorts from me leaving her. I hope it gets better, very soon, because it breaks my heart to see her crying like this.

I know this is a phase, but boy this is hard right now. I’m completely exhausted, and I don’t feel like I’m functioning very well at work, and I feel like an awful mother with my screaming baby at night. I stare at her pictures at work all day long, hoping to get home soon. Oh, and my milk production still sucks so I spend all this time with this stupid pump hooked to me, and I go home after a full work day with about 6 ounces in my cooler – enough for one bottle plus an ounce! Luckily I make more at night, as I can pump about 4 ounces at 3 am, and another 3 ounces at 6 am. In total, I pump about 15 ounces each day, plus nurse her once, so I’m providing around half her total consumption of 30-32 ounces daily. I wish I could do more, but I’m running out of ideas on how to increase production. This part alone has been so incredibly frustrating. Some days I’m at peace with it, knowing I’m doing what I can. But other days, I’m just exhausted and tired of it all, wondering if all this pumping madness is worth it. I want to be able to continue, but this is so hard.

I feel bad, posting out here, knowing that I haven’t even logged onto my blog reader in weeks. But I’m back at work now, and as stupid as it sounds, I know once I catch up and we’re past this super busy phase at work in a couple weeks, I’ll have more time to read blogs. I’ve never been so busy in my life as I have the last few months, and I’ve had to cut some things out. I’m sorry. All I want to do is hold my baby girl. Speaking of, I need to get back to work so I can bolt out of here as soon as possible! Hope you all are doing well!!!

Going Home

I always wondered if this was a good idea - leaving home for three weeks with my husband, my newborn and my two dogs and staying with my in-laws. Three weeks later, finally leaving tomorrow to go home, I can definitely say this was a very very bad idea. 

The drive from Houston to Denver wasn't bad. Amazingly, our little Alex was great in the car. She slept for most of the way. I was able to pump and feed her bottles, and so we only stopped for diaper changes. We were planning on stopping overnight in Amarillo, but we made such good time and was able to get to the in-laws by midnight. On the way back, we're planning on stopping for the night, which is probably a good idea. But I'm incredibly anxious to get home!

Being at the in-laws was fine. My MIL is great. Every morning I would get up to feed Alex and then my MIL would have "Grammy time" when she would hold Alex and I would get a leisurely shower and get ready. I really didn't even need anything like a swing because MIL wouldn't allow Alex to be on her own. I'm a little worried about transitioning to be a little independent, especially considering I'm about to start working. So like I said, my in-laws were great, and never once complained about our stuff being all over the place or anything. But it's hard being in someone else's home. I miss my space and my privacy. I miss my alone time. I miss not having to be pleasant to everyone, which if I'm completely honest, I wasn't exactly pleasant the whole three weeks. Being out of our element can make anyone go a little or a lot nuts...

I feel like I need to address the big white elephant in the room. For those of you that follow me in your reader, I posted an entry, and then deleted it. I wrote it in the middle of the night and at a very low moment, and after a little sleep I decided that maybe it was best if I didn't have that stuff on my blog. But I forgot about the reader, and the fact that it still got pushed out even if I later deleted it. I'm so embarrassed that you all know about that night. I've always tried to be incredibly open and honest on this blog, but some things feel too raw and exposed. But I have to say thank you to some really lovely ladies who gave me such support and love over the Internet. Both on comments on my blog as well as via email, I have never felt support like I have in the last week. I haven't had the nerve to tell anyone in real life what actually happened that night, but you ladies know and still show me love, and for that I thank you. Yes, my hubs and I talked the next day and agreed that this kind of thing can never happen again. Yes, I believe him. Yes, we still have a lot to work out. And yes, I will be setting up a meeting with my therapist to discuss it. No, he will not go to therapy, I've asked him to go in the past to no avail. 

I'm worried about my relationship with my husband. Like so many other women, I'm very disappointed with his lack of involvement when it comes to parenting our child. He has lots of opinions, but when it comes to actually assisting, he's unwilling. But I'm working on being specific in my requests for assistance, and I've actually been able to have a productive conversation about him doing more. I just hate that he's the one "helping". Why is he helping? Shouldn't he just be "doing" like I am???

Ok, rant over. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm OK, Alex is OK, and I can't thank you enough for the love and support you have shown me. I've been part of this blogging world for almost two years, and I continue to be amazed at how fulfilling friendships can be, even if I've never met any of you. 

1 Month!

Note to self: if you intend to do monthly posts, and complete it anytime close to her monthly birthday, make sure you start a few days early... It can get crazy around here at a moment's notice!

Alex at one month (a few days ago, but still!):
She's doing well. Her favorite times are definitely in the morning, when she's alert, and interested in things around here. She naps great during the day, and at night... Well she's not that great at going to sleep. Last night for example, we started her last main feeding at around 8:45 pm, and she was up, still eating occasionally or crying, until about 2:30. Finally at 2:30, she fell asleep in her bouncy seat set up next to my bed, and slept until 5:00 am, at which time I brought her into bed and she nursed for about five minutes, fell asleep for about 20, nursed for 5, etc. until we got up for the day at 7:30, at which time she started her day with a good feeding, with a good nap afterwards. So we're working on getting some awake time during the day so hopefully she'll figure out how to go to sleep in the evening...

She loves tummy time, or at least what we call it: tummy time on Daddy's belly. She doesn't love true tummy time on the floor or couch by herself, but she'll handle it for about 3-4 minutes before she gets angry.

I think Alex may be flirting with smiling - I think it will happen for real here very quickly. We can see certain expressions that might be smiles, but it's hard to tell. She's gone to a few restaurants, and shopping, and to the grocery store - and she behaved very well (slept the whole time...).

I just made an appointment for the doc this afternoon to talk about potential reflux. She get real fussy in the late afternoon/evening when eating. When she has to burp or spit up, she screams and arches her back, throws up, and then feels better. And she hiccups and sneezes after eating, which I've read can also be symptoms. She eats peacefully in the morning, with minimal spit-up, so I wonder if it's really reflux, but I still hate to see her in pain or uncomfortable in the evenings, so it may be worth a visit to the doc to investigate.

Breastfeeding is still going. I'm currently feeding Alex more than half her total intake with breastmilk. Obviously it's hard to judge, but one day last week I did a 24 hour test, and didn't breastfeed at all, only pumped, and I pumped 16.5 ounces in 24 hours, and she ate 21.5 ounces of breastmilk/formula. So I was 5 ounces short for the day. I think that was a low intake day on Alex's part, as yesterday I had to give her about 8 ounces total formula, but it's still pretty good. I'm taking fenugreek and blessed thistle, and with the hope of making more milk, I just ordered some Breastea and some Mother's Milk Plus. We'll see if these help at all. Some days I think of quitting breastfeeding about five times during the day, and yet I still continue. That year I originally wanted to do seems a very long time from now...

This post is supposed to be about my baby's progress during the first month, but I figure I should at least mention the recovery from the c-section. For the first time in a month, I haven't had any painkillers in the last 48 hours. The lasting pain has been the most surprising for me, as it got better after about two weeks, I had a few days reprieve, and then it got worse - really bad in fact. I keep reminding myself that it was major surgery, and I should give myself time to recover, but I wish I felt 100% again. I'm happy to report that I only have three pounds to lose until I get to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I would love to lose a lot more as I was very heavy from all the fertility treatments, and let's face it, all the eating... And I do not love my post-pregnancy belly. I much preferred my huge pregnancy belly, at least then I looked pregnant instead of simply fat!

This first month of my baby's life has been amazing. It's been more fun than I expected, and more exhausting. I sometimes wonder if I can do it all, and I definitely worry about going back to work. But then I look at my baby girl's face, and my heart just melts. All the years of pain, all the treatments, money, and heartbreak, it was all worth it. I now have my little girl, and if I had to go through all of what I did to hold her in my arms, I would do it all again.

Now here are some pics, which were actually taken on her 1-month birthday!