Why Not Now?

The hubs, Alex and I were sitting having dinner last night – all three of us!  This rarely happens, as usually hubs gets home from work right before bedtime.  And usually we eat on the couch, watching TV.  But last night he was home early, and dinner was actually ready at the same time Alex usually eats, so all of us sat down to eat – it was fabulous.  We did something that normally happens over family dinners, but doesn’t happen that often in our house – we talked.  And he brought up the next baby…

The plan was simple.  Wait until Alex was a year old, then head to the doctor’s office for a FET.  We are so lucky to have five embryos on ice, waiting for us.  We have absolutely no interest in trying naturally for any extended time.  I don’t want to take my temps or pee on ovulation sticks or anything like that.  I don’t think my sanity can handle that part…  So we had been operating under the plan to do a FET around November, I guess.  But we never really discussed it.  And then we booked a cruise for December.  I started doing the math in my head about timing of cycles, and not really wanting to be pregnant while on a cruise.  And really enjoying my time off of treatments, and pregnancy, and breastfeeding.  And really enjoying my super easy baby, who rarely gets up at night, and doesn’t make me exhausted.  And I’ve been working hard at exercising, and just signed up for an online boot camp program that starts Monday and lasts 8 weeks.  (So far I’m 6 pounds under pre-pregnancy weight, which was 18 pounds above wedding weight!)  So I had decided that I wasn’t going to bring it up.  I know, super communicative, huh?

But then the Hubs said last night that he thinks we should try to do a transfer in August or September.  Um, what???  He said it was obviously up to me as it was my body, but he talked about wanting to just get it done – move beyond this part of our life, which I completely understand.  And we’re talking about moving to Colorado, and it would be easier to not have to worry about doing a FET in Denver, transferring the embryos and all that.  We talked about it, and I told him I would think about it.

I have really liked having my break.  Yes, we’ve been half-heartedly trying naturally, but I would only have a couple days of anxiety each month, wondering if I was pregnant.  If I go back to the clinic, and go through a FET, then it will be a huge deal again – all the anxiety and worrying and stress.  But I know I have to do it at some point – I have lost all hope of conceiving naturally.  It would be nice to get it over with.  Because the next baby will be it.  No more, not going through this again.  In fact, I think I’ll get my tubes tied during the c-section, if I’m so lucky to actually get pregnant.  Not that I think I’ll ever get pregnant naturally, but I want to eliminate the possibility so I don’t wonder every month if it could happen. 

I think it’s hilarious that hubs and I are planning this out.  Like we can just order it up at a store, assuming the FET will work.  “If we do the FET in August or September, we could have a June baby!”  It’s like we think we’re fertile, like we can simply plan it out and it will happen.  How arrogant is this!  How quickly we forget that it may not work, and I might miscarry again.  I told hubs that I would be much more willing if we could just get a 5 month old baby, and not have to go through the pregnancy and the early months of newborn again.  Those were a bear!  I actually really liked the pregnancy part, except for the anxiety.  I hated worrying about my baby.  I hope it will be easier next time, if only because I’ll have the distraction of baby Alex.  But who knows…

It seems quick, jumping back into this when Alex will be 9 or 10 months old, but I just want to be done.  I don’t want to do this anymore – this baby making thing.  It would be nice to close this chapter, and call our family complete.  Because it’s not yet.  I love Alex, and if we had to make it work, she would be enough.  But I really want a sibling for her.  More than anything, that is what is driving me – creating a sibling for Alex.  I don’t know if there is an ideal time for it, but it would be nice to just get it done.  And so, I think I’ll make that phone call to set up an appointment with the doc…

I WON!!!

I’m so excited, I recently won a very cool blog contest, just by commenting.  My kind of contest… I was super excited to win – really anything.  But when I realized what I was getting, I was even more excited.  I just received the cutest T-shirt from Betty, custom made for my little girl Alex.  Check it out:

The pic isn't great - she wasn't really into sitting still.  And the shirt is a little big on her, I asked for an 18 month onesie so she could wear it a long time, and she's only 8 months old...  But it looks great on her, and is good with jeans as well.  It’s super cute, and very well made.  And if you like, she’ll make one for you too.  It’s $15 plus shipping of $3, and all you have to do is email Betty at bettyrubble74@gmail.com.  Tell her the shirt or onesie size of child, if it is a boy or girl, and what color (white, color or blue) shirt you want.  And the name of the child.  And if you have a special request like an airplane or dinosaur or something, she will do her best to meet that request.  She'll email you back with the Paypal info so you can pay for the shirt.

This shirt is definitely worth $15 plus shipping!  And you can know that your money is going to a great woman who is raising her pretty cool little son, Rocky.

Thanks so much Betty!!!

Oh, and Alex didn’t want to continue with her photo shoot – she’s CRAWLING!!!

Love

Do you remember the feelings of falling in love?  Feeling like you can’t get enough of the other person.  Lying in bed, staring into the other person’s eyes, feeling like the whole world doesn’t matter, nothing matters but the two of you.  Wanting to touch the other person, kiss as much as possible.  You just can’t get enough of them, just want to lie there forever, talking and holding the other person. 

This is how I feel with my little Alex.  Most days after I pick her up from daycare, we go home, and for about thirty minutes we hang out on my bed.  We play with toys, and I read books to her.  I hope we can continue to do this even as she gets older.  I hope one day she’ll tell me about her day, and we can reconnect at the end of the day, by taking a few moments of time together.  Last night we were lying down facing each other on our sides, and I had my hands on her side or her legs, and she kept putting her little hands on my face.  We stared into each other’s eyes, holding hands or stroking each other’s faces, for a long time.  I kept kissing her cute little cheeks, and she’s learning to kiss me back – wide mouth, drooling, and adorable.  (Hubs has commented, “Are you making out with her again?”)  And it occurred to me that I haven't felt this way in a long time – not since falling in love.  But I guess that’s what we’re doing.  We’re falling in love with each other.

Over time, relationships get more comfortable, the feeling of butterflies and romance start to fade.  Sure, I still love my husband, but the days of wanting to stare endlessly into his eyes are sadly long gone.  Our days are filled with chores, and what did you do todays, and what do you want for dinners.  We don’t take much time to simply express how much we love each other while staring into each other’s eyes.  Maybe we should…  But with Alex, it feels so simple.  Everything she does is perfect.  I can’t spend enough time with her – she never annoys me.  And I know she’s in love with me too.  When I walk into daycare, she’s usually sitting on the floor, playing with her toys.  She will look up, get a huge grin on her face, and start flapping her little arms like a bird.  So excited, so happy to see me!  I know these days are numbered, that one day she’ll be annoyed by my words.  And that I may get tired of hearing her whiny voice.  But right now, these days are wonderful.  No disappointment, no annoyance.  Just pure and perfect love.

Jealousy

After work yesterday, I went to daycare to pick up Alex.  I signed in, and went to her class.  It has a split door, so I opened the top quietly and looked around the classroom.  I immediately spotted Alex, and waited a bit to see what she was doing prior to going in the class.  She was having a great time.  One of the teachers was playing with her, bouncing Alex up and down on her knee, going up and down, up and down.  And Alex was giggling so loud, over and over.  It made me smile – my little girl was having a great time!  And then it made me sad.  I have never heard Alex laugh like that. 

Alex is a very happy baby, always quick to smile, and rarely ever fussy unless tired or hungry.  But she rarely laughs.  My husband and I can occasionally get her to laugh by giving her raspberries on her belly, but she has never laughed, or even giggled, without being tickled.  We can very easily get her to smile – huge smiles – but she holds her laughter close to her chest.  Apparently not at daycare…

I know I should be happy that she’s happy at daycare.  And I am.  I want her to like her teachers, and I want her teachers to like her.  I feel very comfortable with the ladies that watch her.  I’m just so incredibly jealous.  Most days it feels very manageable.  I drop Alex off at a place that is good, and I go to work that I enjoy.  But yesterday, I received a reminder that I’m missing out on so much.  Then I start counting the hours she’s awake during a week, and thinking about other women spending more time with my daughter than me.  It didn’t help that Alex was particularly fussy and tired last night, and I kept thinking about her laughing with the daycare lady, and crying with me.

I told the hubs about this last night, and he didn’t understand why it bothered me at all.  He just saw it as a good thing – it’s good that she’s happy at daycare.  But he doesn’t understand.  Yesterday he saw Alex for about 2 minutes in the morning as he walked out the door.  He doesn’t get up with her in the morning, feed her or get her ready.  And last night he went to trivia (bar) after work with friends and came home after bedtime.  Even if he comes home after work, he sees her for about 20 minutes each night before bedtime, and he's not involved at all in her care during that time.  He’s perfectly fine with this arrangement – he knows that I’m here to take care of Alex.  Which I love doing!  But when I try to explain why I want to spend more time with Alex he doesn’t understand. 

This is the hardest thing.  I think I could convince my boss to rearrange my job to allow me to work only three days per week.  In fact, he brought it up when I was pregnant, that if I wanted to quit to please talk to him first to see if we can work something out.  But I can’t convince the hubs.  He likes the money I bring home too much.  And he’s even said that he likes sending Alex to daycare “where they know more about childhood development, more than we do.”  I hate that he thinks that the daycare folks are better qualified to raise our daughter than me.  Yes, I’m an accountant by training, but I am figuring stuff out!  I read books, I’m learning about how children learn!  And I’m her mother – doesn’t that count for something?

We’re still talking about moving back to Colorado.  If we do this, I’m going to insist that I don’t work full time.  But I don’t know how the conversation will go.  I don’t know how to convince the hubs that Alex needs more of me.  Especially if she laughs more with other people than me...

Exploring Opportunities

I had a job interview this morning.  For a BIG JOB.  Like the kind of job I had hoped to get at this point in my life.  It was only a screening interview by the recruiter.  But I rocked it – I’d be willing to bet that the recruiter will recommend that the company interview me.  The job is perfect – great money, great company, great management.  But I think I’m going to decline any future interviews.

I’ve always been a career woman, focused on the next step, the promotion, the career path.  I did well in school, went to college and then grad school, focused on getting a good job.  A good career.  And I’ve been successful.  Currently I have a good job on paper.  I make good money, I do interesting stuff, I work with good people.  And yet I’m bored out of my mind.  My job is no longer challenging.  For a couple weeks each quarter, I work the entire day, and even a Saturday occasionally, but the rest of the time, it’s a good day if I work for half the day.  The rest of the time I’m surfing the internet, reading blogs and articles, wasting time.  And yet my boss loves me and continues to give me high ratings.  My employees think I’m busy, super effective and what-not.  It’s all a big ruse.  I’m so comfortable it’s pitiful.  This is embarrassing to me – I don’t tell people this.  My husband doesn’t even know how little I actually do during the day.  I hate that my job is like this.  But I stay because it’s comfortable, and it fits my life.  Yes, I have to be here during the day, but I run out of the building at the end of the day and go get my Alex and love and cuddle on her.  And the little bit of work that I do is interesting and generally challenges my mind, or at least some of it does. 

But today I interviewed for the BIG JOB.  The one that would keep me busy all day long – and beyond.  The one that would take me to the next level in my career.  The one that I figured I would want in my late 30’s.  And the one that I probably could get, if I fought hard in the interview process.

I don’t think I’ll ever be a stay at home mom, I’m just not cut out for it.  In an ideal world, I love the idea of staying home with Alex, but financial considerations notwithstanding, I don’t think I would be very good at it.  I have patience like I never thought possible with little Alex.  But if I were with her 24/7?  I don’t know that I would.  I’m not really sure.  And so much of my identity is my working life – I like being an accountant, and I like going to work.  Ideally I would like to work three days per week.  I’ve talked about this with the hubs, and we may pursue this if we move, which we’re still talking about – someday.  But right now working at my easy job seems to be working well for us.

During the interview today, I got excited.  It’s a challenging job at a company that is going places.  Very exciting times, and management that is passionate and demanding.  I would thrive in this environment, and my days would go by so quickly.  I could rock this job.  And yet…

I don’t think I’m going to pursue it.  The recruiter asked about my willingness to work in an “intense” environment.  And what would I do if someone told me I had to work on a presentation that was due in a couple days with no notice.  It all sounds exciting, and so attractive.  But after I got off the phone, and started thinking about my life, and what is really important now, my career just doesn’t seem that important.  I feel lazy, but I’m happy in my comfortable easy job.  It doesn’t demand too much from me.  I can easily get to daycare – there’s no struggle.  I can come in a little late if she’s being fussy.  I can leave if she’s sick.  I can spend half the day researching the best way to feed her…

I came across this article today, and it spoke to me.  Every working mother, or aspiring working mother, should read it.  I’m struggling with making the choice between my career and motherhood, or at least the motherhood I want to have.  Yes, it’s an old struggle – one that has been done for years and by countless women.  So far I’ve only struggled with how much time to be away from Alex, and whether I should be working.  But to make the choices of the easy job vs. the big job – that’s a different kind of struggle.  I’m glad I read this today.  It gives me permission to take the “easy” path.  I guess I need to come to the realization that I’m a parent now.  My desire for the amazing career may need to stand behind my desire to be a good mother.  Maybe not forever, but for now.  

Trying to be Crafty

I am not creative.  In school, I would write excellent term papers, full of footnotes and research.  But ask me to do creative writing, and I fail miserably.  I’m terrible at decorating – my house is full of beige and brown and empty walls, simply because I don’t know what to do.  I’ve tried to convince the hubs that we need to hire a decorator to come help us with ideas – not to buy stuff – but we’ve never done this.  Therefore, our house is boring.  I’ve always wanted to be more creative, but have never been successful!  What I am good at is following a pattern.  I can cross-stitch like a rockstar.  See this post for my latest creation that is proudly hanging in Alex’s room.  When I was about 10, I got a sewing machine and my mom taught me how to sew using patterns, but I haven’t done this since about 15 years old.  But lately I have this huge drive to CREATE!!!  I don’t know what it is – I don’t really have the time to do this.  Between work, trying to keep up the home, and most importantly spending time with Alex, I really don't have much time for a hobby.  But I want to make things, clothes, crafts, decorations, etc.  So far I haven’t really done much except research online.  And start buying small supplies for future projects.  I ordered some samples of fabrics, and have decided on fabric for pillows for my couch (never made pillows before – I assume they’re simple, but what if I want to put embellishments on it!).  I also ordered some cool fabric for some shirts for myself (I hate shopping for clothes, but I have an idea of shirts that would look good on me, I have hope that I can make these for myself – we’ll see).  And I ordered a book of patterns for really cute kid clothes for Alex.  I don’t know when exactly I will be creating these things, but I’m going to teach myself how to sew again, and CREATE!!!

In the meantime, I wanted Alex to give her father and grandfathers something homemade for Father’s Day.  I remember always making gifts for my parents, and they at least said they loved it!  My mom kept my super ugly, terrible looking clay elephant that I made in elementary school on her desk for years, and I loved seeing it there.  So I scoured the internet, looking for something that my 7 month old could do…  Inspired by this on etsy, I bought some finger paint, painted it on Alex’s feet, pressed card stock to it, and made some TERRIBLE looking hearts.  I’m hoping her grandfathers like abstract art…  I then wrote “Love” on the back of the frames, along with her name and date.  Then put them in little frames.  I figure you can put awful looking stuff in frames, and then it looks good – right?  So here they are – some are better than others.  You can click on the pic and enlarge it – really see the awfulness of them…   I used the four best ones, which were hard to find!  Oh well – I hope that her daddy and grandfathers appreciate something of hers, even if it doesn’t look that great!

7 months!

A bit late, but I can’t believe Alex is already seven months.  It just seems so OLD!!!  She’s doing great, and I have the best time with her.  I wish I could bottle up this time, and keep it forever.  She’s at the perfect age.  Unless she’s sick, she’s just the happiest easy baby.  She sleeps well, she’s super fun to play with, she’s not yet mobile, and there’s no discipline.  Seriously, how could it get better than this???

Here are some stats, just so I can put it in one spot. 

-Schedule: get up at 6-7 am, awake for 2-3 hours, sleep for 2 hours, repeat 2-3 times, bedtime around 8 pm.  Alex gets about 2-3 naps per day, but I think we’re getting rid of the 3^rd nap.  She’s better at this some days than others, but unless she's sick, she sleeps almost every night from 8 pm-6 am, and sometimes 7 am. 

-Eating:  5-6 bottles of formula each day, at 7 ounces each.  Plus about 4-6 ounces of baby food.  Alex is a much better eater of baby food at daycare than at home.  We were able to feed her a few ounces this weekend, but she is not into eating at home.  I think it’s because at school she eats next to other babies, and they do it together.  Who knows, she seems pretty happy, so I’m not worried about it.

-Sizes: mostly 9 month clothes.  At her 6 month appointment, she was 85% on the height growth charts at 27 inches, and 60% in weight (17 pounds).  Size 3 diapers.

-Activity: Lots of sitting, and hanging out on her tummy.  She has been rolling back and forth since about 3 months old, but she doesn’t need to go anywhere.  On her tummy, she’ll do circles – go completely around, but she’s not interested in getting anywhere.  She loves to stand while holding onto hands, and will even do a few steps while holding my hands.  She can hold herself up standing with the coffee table for a few seconds, but she quickly crashes to her butt.  She loves the jumper, and the walker.  Really, she likes just about everything!

-No teeth or hair – these are coming, I can just feel it…  J

Alex is just about the happiest baby I’ve ever seen, and I have such a good time with her.  From the moment when she wakes up and reaches up to turn on her mobile all by herself (how cute is that!) and just talks to it, to when she goes to bed, and literally kicks and gets all excited to see her lovie (little silky blanket), she is happy all day long.  She’s fascinated in everything, and it’s so easy to make her smile.  She reserves her giggles for something really good, like a raspberry on her belly or neck.  But her smile is fabulous, and never far away.  But now it’s hard to see, because she always has her tongue out – I wonder if it will ever get back in her mouth!  

Feeling Crappy

It’s my 37^th birthday, and I’m feeling crappy, and so I feel like whining - sorry in advance.  I’ve spent the entire weekend listening to my husband whine about being sick, and listening to my little Alex whine because she’s sick (I would take baby whining over husband whining any day of the week!), that I feel like it’s my turn to whine a little.  I’m tired of being Miss Positivity, and I just want someone to be nice to me.  Is that so much to ask???

-I’m sick of my baby being sick.  I like the daycare she’s in, but it seems like she’s always sick.  I know that this is very common with daycare babies, but it seems absurd!  She always has a runny nose, coughs occasionally, last week had pink eye, has had multiple rounds of stomach viruses, and rarely goes a week without being sick of some sort.  I spend too much time at doctor’s offices, and urgent care places on the weekend.  None of it has been truly awful, and she is very happy throughout most of the sickness, but I want a healthy baby!  And it pisses me off that most of this is due to being at daycare.

-I’m not feeling the love on my birthday.  My husband forgot this morning and didn’t say anything prior to leaving for work.  He emailed me later, but still.  We agreed to do no gifts this year for each other (his birthday is this Saturday) and instead get the floors tiled.  I know I agreed to this, but I’m not that excited about this.  Floor tiles – how thoughtful.  And he hasn’t even made the arrangements yet so who knows if it will every happen.  I have something small planned for the hubs, but I guarantee he won’t do anything even small.  We have plans to go out to dinner for our birthdays this weekend and get a babysitter, but it’s on his birthday so it will be all about him, I know it.  I know I’m completely whiny about this, but I want some love!

-I twisted my ankle this morning.  I’m wearing these stupid 3 inch heels, and while carrying Alex, I went out to the mailbox (hoping for a birthday card – ridiculous, I know) and I twisted my ankle.  I almost fell but over-recovered since I was holding Alex, and I hurt my ankle.  Stupidly, I didn’t take the blasted heels off today, and my ankle is hurting worse and worse.  I’m afraid I sprained it, and walking around all day on these stupid heels is not helping.

-I’m pretty sure my boss forgot my birthday.  His wife cooks cakes for all of us in our department every year, and a couple weeks ago I put in my order for carrot cake – she makes the best carrot cake.  I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, and he forgot.  I’m sure he’ll ask her to do it later this week, but I really wanted it today.

-I feel nauseous after my lunch.  I have had some poopy issues all morning, and now I feel nauseous.  So I’m probably getting another stomach virus.  The greatest thing about having a child in daycare is not only does she get sick, but she brings home sickness too!  What a fabulous treat.  Hubs and I have never been so sick ever – just passing around these little illnesses, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s about to happen – lovely.

-Either that or I’m pregnant.  I’m officially 1 week late.  Which has never happened in my life.  BUT I’ve only had one period since being pregnant, so I assume my body is still a bit wonky.  Plus I had egg whites a week later than usual, so I assume I’ll get my period in the next day or so.  Maybe that’s why I’m so grumpy – standard PMS.  But I hate the mindfuck that I put myself through, wondering if I’m pregnant.  Wondering if I could be that urban legend – you know, the girl who’s infertile but magically becomes fertile after pregnancy.  It’s bullshit, really, the fantasies that come back so quickly…  I refuse to POAS, as I don’t want all the hope and then disappointment that comes with it, but the longer I wait to POAS, the longer I can dream…  But part of me wonders if it can be true, in which case I need to take more folic acid and start the Lovenox, and…  STOP!!!  I hate doing this to myself.

I just need to make it through today, and stop the petulant temper tantrum.  It’s just another day, a regular old Monday when I’m tired.  I need to forget all the possibilities, and stop being so sensitive about my birthday.  I need to get back to my normal positivity, and be happy.  Maybe tomorrow…

From Infertile to Egg Donor?

When I was 21 years old, I graduated from college and went straight to grad school.  My parents were generous and helped me financially with college, but they were done – no help for grad school.  I figured it would be fine – that’s why they invented school loans!  In retrospect, it may have been wise to wait a few years, save some money, and then go to grad school, but I highly doubt I would have made the plunge once I had the taste of real life income.  So I went straight to grad school, took out a bunch of loans, got a couple part-time jobs, and tried to figure out how to survive while paying out-of-state tuition.  I remember driving home one day after class and hearing an ad on the radio about being paid to become an egg donor.  I had no idea what was involved, but I figured, why not?

As soon as I got home (no cell phones in those days…) I called the egg donation place to ask for more information.  I asked a bunch of questions, they asked me some more, and then told me I wouldn’t make a good candidate because I was adopted and I didn’t know my medical history.  I was disappointed because I wanted the money, so I hung up and proceeded to the local blood plasma donation place ($15 each donation, and I could do it twice a week!  Good money!).  I told my new friend about it, and she commiserated with me about how nice it would have been to make money doing something simple like egg donation – ah, how naïve we were.

Fast forward 16 years, and that friend that I met in grad school is still my friend, in fact my closest friend, my BFF as I like to call her.  She recently has been told that at age 42 and going through multiple IVF's and finally PGD, her eggs are no longer good, and she needs to consider egg donation.  She had talked with her husband about it, and they’re not sure what they’re going to do.  Well I just threw a wrench in their plans…  Last night I told her that if they want, that I would be an egg donor for her.  Or if we get pregnant at our next FET using two of our embryos, then she and her husband can have our remaining three embryos. 

I did not make this offer lightly.  It was only after hours of discussion with my husband, and after thinking about it a few weeks, that I made the offer.  I wanted to make sure that I was truly comfortable with this decision, and that I wouldn’t want to revoke the offer after giving it.  And that my husband feels the same way.  During this infertility process, I’ve thought a lot about my 21-year-old self, and how flippant I was about considering egg donation.  I didn’t really think about it as giving up a potential child, or at least half of a child.  I didn’t think about wondering what happened to my eggs and future babies, I only thought about the money I lost because I didn’t know my medical history!  Later when I started struggling with infertility, I thought a lot about how naïve I was, and how important those eggs are.  I also thought that there was no way I would donate my eggs, because I had such an emotional attachment to creating a child that was genetically mine.  I was working so very hard to have a baby, and I had such a drive to be genetically linked to that child, that I couldn’t imagine giving up those genetics to someone else through egg donation.  I also thought a lot about embryo donation.  I knew that if we were so lucky to not need all the embryos we would make through the IVF process that we would need to make a decision as to what to do with those embryos.  We even signed consent forms that if something were to happen to us, that the embryos would be discarded.  I couldn’t imagine giving our embryos to someone else, having someone else raise our babies.  I feel attached to those embryos, and it's hard to imagine someone else using those embryos.  I really wasn’t sure what we would do if we had any embryos left after completing our family.

Until my BFF…  She is now at the point where she and her husband needs to decide what to do, but it won’t involve her eggs.  They can do egg donation to a point, but they will run out of sperm in the future as well (he had testicular cancer, and he has successfully gone through treatment, but their doc doesn’t want to use his sperm for at least three years).  I know I used to think that I couldn’t give up my eggs or embryos, but now that I’m a mother to baby Alex, everything has changed.  I look at her, and I can’t imagine my life without her.  I want this for my friend.  I know she wants to be a mother, and has gone through great lengths to be one, to no avail.  I want to do everything I can to help her do this.  It’s so weird, how easy this decision was for me, how quickly I became comfortable with the idea of giving my friend my DNA, and how it is now an even easier decision now that I am a mom.  It was the same with my hubs – we talked about it at length, how bizarre it could be, and whether we would be comfortable, watching our friends raise a baby that started as our child, who is genetically our child, and our child’s sibling.  It’s so strange what is possible now with science, but it feels so comfortable to make this decision. 

I have no idea if my BFF and her husband want this, or if their doctor will advise it.  Because let’s face it – I’m not an ideal egg donor.  I’m almost 37, and I’ve had fertility problems.  But we know I respond well to the drugs, and I have a perfect daughter that proves that some of my eggs work!  I’m very interested to see what happens, and what she decides.  She didn’t say anything last night, as I think she was very stunned and needed time to process this.  I think it could be very complicated, donating eggs or embryos to a friend, but I’m confident that no matter what she decides, we’ll be able to muddle through this new element to our friendship.  Stay tuned…

But I Don’t Want to Go to Bed!!!

We’ve all heard of the stories of friends whose children won’t go to bed.  Children who want to stay up, playing, feigning such problems such as hungry, thirsty, afraid of the dark.  Parents who sit outside of their children’s door, saying repeatedly, “You must go to bed.”  It seems like it’s just part of parenting: fighting with your children over going to bed.  Heck, there’s even a book about it: Go the F**k to sleep.  (it’s a great book, fun to read for all ages!)  I figured it was going to happen at some point, but at six months old???

Last night Alex was in a great mood.  She had taken four naps at daycare, when she usually only has three, so she was very well rested.  We had such a good time when we got home, playing, talking, singing together.  (you know, as much as a six-month old can sing with you…)  I knew she was very rested, so I started the bedtime routine a little later than normal, as she wasn’t fussy at all.  She took her bath, and had a great time playing with her toys in the bath.  Then we got out, lotioned up, put her pajamas on, and sat down in the rocking chair in her room for her last bottle.  Usually she pounds down 7 ounces, and is in a food coma when she’s finished.  We usually read a book quietly, sing a lullaby, then she goes to sleep in her crib very easily.  Well last night she had something else in mind.

Alex finished about 3 ounces of her bottle, and then wouldn’t eat anymore.  She sat up in my lap, flailing her hands around, ready to play!  I didn’t know what to do – this wasn’t normal!  So I pulled out a book, and she loved it.  She started flipping the pages, and I read to her, and she would pound her little hands on the pages.  She grabbed onto the book, and was having a great time playing with it.  Every few minutes, I tried to give her the bottle, but she shut her mouth and turned her face.  So we would play some more.  This continued for about 20 minutes – playing with the book, reading to her, trying to give her the bottle, and getting rejected.  Finally she looked up at me and yawned.  I gave her the bottle, and she relaxed in my arms, lay back, and finished the rest of the bottle.  She was in her normal food coma at the end of the bottle, she cuddled with me, burped a bit while I sang her a song, and then I put her in her crib, where she slept quietly until morning. 

I can’t believe that at six months old, she deliberately was able to tell me she wanted to stay up and play for a little longer.  Every day, she can do more, and likes to play even more.  I can see more of her personality every day.  She’s such a happy little miss, and it was so fun playing with her on my lap.  The first of many times in her life, I’m sure, when she said very clearly, “But I don’t want to go to bed!”

Gratitude

Sometimes I get caught up in my life.  It’s a fast-paced life: career, daycare, bath and bedtimes, stolen moments with my husband, rare conversations with friends.  Full days or weeks can pass without catching a breath.  But this weekend, I had two moments that caused me to slow down, look around, and truly appreciate my life, and especially my daughter.

Saturday I had coffee with a woman who found this blog by searching for MTHFR on the internet.  Like me, she has been diagnosed with compound heterozygous MTHFR.  Also like me, she has gone through a fresh IVF, and a frozen transfer, and she lost a baby at eight weeks.  She also goes to the same RE as me, and has had the same frustrations.  The only difference is she has PCOS and she’s 10 years younger.  But after you’ve gone through multiple years of infertility, multiple cycles of treatments, losses, etc., it doesn’t matter how old you are – it just plain sucks.  And hurts!  She found my blog through searching for her diagnosis, and then discovered that I lived in Houston, and she suspected and later confirmed that we even go to the same doctor.  It’s amazing, really, to think that she was able to find me through the internet, and that we have so much in common.

We met for a couple hours on Saturday, and she talked about her history and her plan for the future.  She’s exploring the world of reproductive immunology, which I was surprised to hear was recommended by our doctor, considering the struggles I had with him in this regard.  The pathology on her miscarriage showed a chromosomally normal baby, which is why he recommended immunology testing, and we talked about all this.  I was struck by how we have very different personal histories, and yet we are in many respects the same person.  I sat across the table, and saw all the frustration, the confusion, and the pain that comes with battling infertility and loss.  I wish I could take this pain away from her, and that I could guarantee her a baby.  I wish I could tell her that if she keeps going, keeps getting tested and spending money and going through treatments, that one day she would get her baby.  But I can’t.  That’s the worst part of infertility.  We battle this, every day, and there is no guarantee.

Last night I also received heartbreaking news about my best friend IRL.  I’ve talked about her on my blog before, she started TTC after I did, and when she finally met with a doctor, she used me as an IF mentor.  Due to her age (she’s now 42) she quickly went to IVF, and we started the IVF process at the same time, the two of us fantasizing about raising our IVF babies together.  Since then she has had 2 fresh IVF cycles, which resulted into two early miscarriages.  After the 2^nd IVF, her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer, so this derailed their TTC plans for awhile.  But he went through chemo (after freezing a bunch of sperm prior to treatment), and he is now declared cancer-free, so they started their 3^rd IVF cycle, using some of his frozen sperm.  This time, however, they did PGS.  They got 16 eggs, 12 were mature, and 6 fertilized.  All 6 were tested with PGS, and none of the embryos were considered normal enough for transfer.  This is the official end of their attempts at having a baby made with her genetic material.  They are exploring their options, and will meet with the doctor in June to discuss donor eggs, but my heart goes out to her.  I know this is a huge loss, and I wish I could take away her pain. 

I am so very lucky.  Every day, I go online, fingers crossed, and hope that the women whose blogs I follow get that elusive BFP, but more importantly bring home their baby.  I’ve been online for awhile now, so I’ve seen many of us start to parent, but there are so many who are still trying for that first baby, even some that started their infertility journeys prior to me.  I wish that it wasn’t so hard – I don’t understand why some people get their babies and some don’t.  The pain from women online is so hard to see, but sitting across the table from it, and then hearing about it from my best friend, I feel so helpless, like there’s nothing I can do.  (…well actually there is one thing – I could donate my embryos to my friend, but it may be a bit early for that, I can’t even wrap my head around this one…)  All I can really do now is be there for my best friend, and for my new friend, and be grateful for my daughter.  Last night, after I gave her the last bottle of the day, and rocked and sang to her, I squeezed her a little tighter than normal, and gave her a couple extra kisses.  I can’t put into words how grateful I am to have her in my life.

The Return of My (in)Fertility

I had a nice break.  Between pregnancy and breastfeeding, it was nice to be without periods, without looking at my body for signs of fertility, without wondering if I could be pregnant.  But alas, that time has passed.  A little less than a month after quitting breastfeeding, and exactly six months after my daughter was born, my period came back.  With a fucking vengeance…

And even though I really don’t want to be pregnant right now (oh my god, can you imagine a six month old while pregnant?  How about a newborn and a 14 month old???  Scary!!!) I was a little sad when I saw that first bloody tinge.  Because two weeks ago when I saw the gobs of egg whites in my undies, I did what any good infertile does.  I headed to the bedroom and attacked my husband…  How quickly we get drawn back into the TTC world.  I have spent the last two weeks wondering, and even the hubs asked, “Could we be pregnant?”  And we allowed ourselves to fantasize about having a second child so quickly.  The biggest fantasy is being able to get pregnant so easily, without going through the torture of last time.  I’ve spent the last two weeks fantasizing about becoming that urban myth that all the infertiles hate.  “I once knew this woman who struggled to have her first baby, and then she just relaxed, and bam!  She was pregnant – even before getting her period again!”  Oh wouldn’t that be amazing???

But instead, here I sit at work (because I can’t take any time off – I have almost no PTO after my kid was sick!) in agony from cramps, the kind that I never remember having, running to the bathroom every hour to change my tampon (the super kind!), in misery.  And resigning myself to the fact that we are officially back on the TTC bandwagon.  Well kind of.  I absolutely refuse to take my temperature, or chart anything.  But I’m hyper aware of the signs my body puts out, and we have agreed that we’ll spend the next six months trying naturally.  And as soon as Alex turns 1, we’ll go back to the RE for a consult about doing FET’s.  Or maybe before so we can be ready to do the FET shortly after her birthday.  This time down the TTC road, I have a very important safety net: 5 lovely embryos waiting for me on ice.  The original plan was to not even try naturally at all, and do FET’s after I weaned Alex at a year old.  But since breastfeeding was quit abruptly, our plans have changed. 

I’m resolved to do it differently this time, especially during the 6 months of natural TTC’ing.  I will not take random supplements other than prenatals and extra folic acid for my MTHFR.  I will not stick a thermometer in my mouth.  I will not get a subscription on Fertility Friend.  I will not pee on anything – ovulation stick or otherwise.  This is TTC Light, and I hope it calms my shit a bit.  I need to keep telling myself that having a baby so quickly after Alex will be hard – I don’t want it as much, or as urgently, and hopefully that will kill the obsession a bit.

Why start so quickly?  Because I HATE TTC.  I want it to be done.  There are other reasons: I want Alex to have a sibling that is close, I’m not getting any younger, blah blah blah.  The real reason is I want to be DONE with this part of my life.  I hate every second that this goes on.  Yes, I want another child, but I don’t want the obsession that I can’t seem to control when it takes over my life.  I think this time it should be easier, as my life is filled with my little girl.  I know that no matter what happens, I will have her in my life, so it doesn’t seem as bad if we fail on this TTC journey.  Last time, I was wondering when it would end, when I could stop living my child-free life.  But now, I will always have my little Alex, and although I feel like our family is not yet complete, it’s not the end of the world if we don’t have another child.  But we have to try, and so it begins…

Six Months!

Today Alexandra is six months old!!! I can’t believe how quickly this time has gone. Every day, I’m so thankful to have her in my life, and I can’t believe that I get to have this life, this life as her mom. She’s finally healthy – kind of. After having a 12-day stomach bug, she was healthy for about 1.5 weeks, and then she got a cold which quickly transformed into an ear infection. She was absolutely miserable for a couple days, but now she’s feeling better. She still has a cough, but we smile and say “get it out” or “good cough” when she coughs, and she smiles. Which is better than crying, which she used to do… Another sad thing is she has lost her crying voice, so instead of making a high-pitched cry when she’s upset, she just breathes out, and you can’t hear anything. It’s pitiful, and a little less grating on the nerves… Awful, I know…

Sleeping
She’s a rockstar sleeper! Alex sleeps through the night about 5 times per week, and occasionally will get up, have a bottle, and then go back to sleep. She goes to bed around 7:30-8:00 pm, and I usually wake her up during the week at 7:00 am, or on the weekends she’ll sleep until 7:30. She takes 3 naps per day, ranging from 45 minutes to 2 hours, usually one 2 hour nap, and 2 other 45 minutes naps. All of this in her crib. 

Eating
Alex is a very hungry little girl. At the request of daycare, we have increased her bottle size to 7 ounces, and she finally seems content, although sometimes she doesn’t finish it completely. She drinks 5-6 bottles per day, depending on if she is at daycare or at home. It’s funny, at daycare she eats about every 3 hours, and at home she eats about every 4 hours. I was worried about it for awhile, trying to get daycare to extend her eating schedule so it would comply with home, but I’m giving up. She seems happy with it, and so who cares? I think it relates to her nap schedules. At daycare she doesn’t nap as well or as long, so she is hungrier quicker and wants to eat more often. We have started solids, and she has tried rice cereal, oatmeal, bananas, pears, peaches, sweet potatoes, squash, and green beans. She has good days and bad. Before she got the stomach bug, she was starting to eat like a champ, but we have definitely regressed with all the sickness. So we try every day with a little food, but most days she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Daycare seems to be a little more successful with it that me, so I figure I’ll just let her figure that out at daycare, and then once she likes eating, do more at home.

Milestones
Alex has been rolling over, every which way, for months, but she hasn’t yet figured out that she could move somewhere by rolling over. She is still very immobile, which is just fine with me – nothing is baby proofed! She’s starting to sit up for longer periods of time – she can go a minute or two without toppling over. And she definitely prefers sitting up to being on her back! She plays constantly, always wants to have something in her hands, which then means it must go in her mouth. We play the game, “Does this go in my mouth?” And yes, everything goes in her mouth… No teeth yet, but I have a feeling it’s coming, as everything must be gummed. It’s very easy to get Alex to smile, but she’s not a big laugher. Occasionally she’ll give you a little chuckle, or if something is really funny, a squeal. But most of the time she’s quiet, but will have a huge grin on her face.

Favorites
 Alex loves her bath time. She takes a bath most nights in her new bath chair, which is very nice for sitting in the tub. About once a week, I take a bath with her in the big tub, and we practice floating, and dunking, which doesn’t seem to faze her. I took her into a friend’s pool for the first time last week, and she loved it! She had the best time, just chilling out and observing the other kids. Daddy bought her a jumper, and she thinks that’s the best thing ever! She can sit in there, and jump for a long time, all by herself. But her favorite thing is her two brothers – the dogs. Her face lights up whenever she sees Kodiak or Jackson, and they are starting to figure out that she can be fun too. Yesterday I had her strapped in her bouncy chair on the couch, and she saw Kodiak walking by. She pulled herself up into a sitting position, and she leaned over the side to grab him. He stopped and she patted his head and grabbed his hair for a couple minutes, and it seemed like both really enjoyed it! This is their first real interaction when nobody else was involved! It was so cute seeing them – I know they’ll always be good friends.

I am a good mom

I realize I’ve been kind of hard on myself lately. The only thing I want to do is be a good mom to my little girl, and even though I beat myself up about what I could do better, I think it’s wise to interrupt these thoughts and focus on all the things I’ve done in the last few days that makes me a good mom.

-I greet my baby girl every morning with the biggest smile I can, wanting her to be surrounded in happiness.

-I spend hours poring over the internet and baby books trying to figure out the best way to ___ (whatever it happens to be that day – for some reason I think I do this more at work than at home – if I were at home all day I seriously doubt I would spend this much time on the internet researching stuff – I would just do it!)

-During the 10 minute drive between work and daycare at the end of the day, I focus on taking deep breaths and letting go of all the stress of work, and remember to be present for baby girl. It takes a conscious effort to transition to the mommy part of my life, and let go of the professional woman part of my life, and I try to mentally transform before I pick her up from daycare.

-During the two hours of wake-time I have with Alex every night, I try to focus only on her. I feed her, change her, play with her, bathe her, rock her, tell stories to her, put her to bed. Close to the end of the two hours, her daddy comes home, and the three of us always have some nice moments of family time. Hubs and I have been focusing on her, and our little moments of time with her, which makes me so happy. My favorite moment is after the whole bedtime routine is done, I put her in her crib as I’m finishing her last song, and she looks up at me with this huge smile. I then bend over and kiss her good night, and our last memory of each other every night is staring into each other’s eyes, smiling.

-My MIL is coming to town today for a week, and I have been thinking of ways for them to spend quality time together. My MIL thinks the sun rises and sets on Alex, and I don’t want to do anything to spoil this!

-I spent a few minutes with the daycare lady this morning, talking about feeding Alex. They asked me to increase her food as she seems too hungry before eating, and is pissed when the bottle is done. So with the hope of getting to 3 hour internals (I was hoping to push it to 4, but they’ve been feeding her after 2.5!), we’ve increased the amount of formula to 7 ounces from 6. She still has 6 bottles per day – seriously, I think 42 ounces per day is too much! But we’re also trying to get her to eat solid foods, which she hasn’t been too interested in. So hopefully when she eats more solids, her formula intake will decrease. But if you use the 2.5 x weight = ounces per day formula, at 16 pounds, she should be eating 40 ounces. But it still seems like way too much… Anyway, the good mom part is I’m trying – real hard – to figure out the right thing to do with little Alex and make her happy but not overfed.

-Last night after weeks of patient trying, I got Alex to eat about an ounce of solid food – homemade pears mixed with oatmeal cereal. (I’ve been making all her solid food except cereal, and it’s so easy and economical!) The trick last night was to distract her with a toy in one hand, and then shovel food in her mouth in the other. I know this isn’t a good long-term strategy, but I hope this helps her learn again what this solid food thing is all about. We had about 3 days of good eating before she got sick, and then it all was thrown out the window. When she got well again, we had to start over. But I’m hopeful that with time and patience she’ll figure it out!

-Every night during bath time, I sing songs to her, and she alternates between playing with her toys, and staring at me with those big brown eyes, with a little smile on her face. Seriously, it’s that face that gets me every time!!!

The overall theme of all of this is that I try. I think this is true for a lot of us moms. Sure, we could beat ourselves up over stopping breastfeeding too early, or doing something at the wrong time, and unfortunately we do beat ourselves up. But what we need to remember is that if we’re trying real hard, and we love our kiddos with all our heart, the rest will fall into place. I know I will screw up at times in this journey called motherhood, but I hope at the end of the day I will remember that I tried my very best to raise my little girl in the best way I can. This little 16-pound bundle of goodness has completely changed my life, and I love her more than I ever thought possible. And that makes me a good mom.

PAIL Theme Post: What Kind of Parent Are You?

I’m an accountant. Most people think that this means I love numbers, and can do all kinds of math in my head. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, numbers are ok, but if I don’t have my calculator, I can’t function. But there’s a different kind of accountant than those that most think about – the research kind of accountant. A large part of my job is to research accounting rules, figure out if my company is in compliance with those rules, write memos about why the company is in compliance with the rules (or how to fix it if the company is NOT in compliance), and then present my position to auditors or the board of directors. I enjoy doing this job – researching the rules, and then applying it to my company. It’s like solving giant word problems every day. I used to be an auditor, and auditors use something called a workprogram. It’s basically a giant to do list for each section of the audit. The workprogram is something that gives me comfort. I like the idea of going through each section, checking off what is complete, and knowing that once all the steps are checked off, I will be done.

I tend to apply this analytical process to the rest of my life. When I started trying to conceive, and it wasn’t going very well, I researched the problem, bought and read every book I could find, talked to many people, and pushed to solve the problem with my mind and analytical skills. As many of us IF veterans do, I gave myself medical training so I could speak with my doctors intellectually. I wanted to be a proactive and informed patient, and I believe that my eventual success is due to this. I could have just listened to what my doctor said, and keep trying, but I searched for better doctors, and insisted on additional tests, and then applied my new knowledge to insist on different treatment, which eventually led to my baby girl Alex.

When I finally became pregnant, and then started feeling a little more comfortable that I wouldn’t have another miscarriage, I realized I was about to embark on a new endeavor: parenting! I’ve never done this, and just like anything in my life, I did what comes naturally to me: I hit the books! Here is a list of parenting and baby books in my Kindle app (all of which I have read), in no particular order (not including the pregnancy or trying to conceive books): The Moms on Call Guide to Basic Baby Care; The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems; Baby 411; On Becoming Baby Wise (Parts 1 & 2); Bringing Up Bebe; The Working Gal’s Guide to Babyville; Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child; The Happiest Baby on the Block; What Babies Say Before They Can Talk; The Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk; The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding; The Baby Book: Everything you Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two; Baby Basics. Goodness, I didn’t realize I read that many! This is a bit absurd, I know, especially because there are about five others that are at home on my nightstand that weren’t available in Kindle form…

The Baby Whisperer book talks about different styles of parents, and one of them is called “by the book”. I guess this is what I am, as I’m always searching for that perfect book, the one that will make me feel like I know what I’m doing, and feel confident in my choices. This is different from another style of parenting: “confident”. I wish I was more confident in my parenting, and could rely more on my instincts. I wish I had more instincts! I hate that I’m like this, that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, but reading books and relying on the “experts” makes me feel more comfortable, and more confident. This is the researcher in me: I’m a rules-follower, but I don’t feel comfortable making the rules, I only feel good following somebody else’s rules. When I put it that way, this isn’t something that sounds very good…

As far as parenting method, after reading and researching everything from Dr. Sears to Ferber, we have implemented a somewhat loose schedule on baby Alex, and it seems to be working very well. We use a lot of the techniques in Baby Wise, at least the structure aspects, but we don’t follow the clock as much as we just keep the routine in her life. I guess this is more Baby Whisperer than Baby Wise. I personally can’t stand to hear my baby cry, so I couldn’t do real cry-it-out like Ferber would suggest. But we do let her cry for 10 minutes max, as Alex really seems to need some time to roll around in her crib and settle down before sleeping. Up until about 10 weeks, she was fed on-demand, but I had some serious milk supply issues, and I think I did that all wrong as she only got snacks, and never a full feeding. Once I started trying to give her full meals of both breastmilk and formula, things got a lot easier, and she got a lot happier. Now we have a 5-month little girl who regularly sleeps in her crib from 8:30 pm to 7:00 am, without waking. She takes 3-4 naps per day, and is incredibly happy unless she is tired or hungry.

If I were to stay at home instead of work, and if I felt like I could rely more on my instincts, I would really like to follow a more attachment style of parenting. I love sleeping with my baby, except I don’t ever seem to get much sleep with her next to me, and she seems to sleep more consistently in her own bed. I wear or carry Alex as much as I can on the weekends, figuring she gets plenty of time for alone play at daycare. But besides this I really like the theory of attachment parenting. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about the bonds that babies form with their primary caregivers, and how this impacts the rest of their life. I was adopted at four years old, and prior to this I was homeless with my birth mother at times, and was in 18 different foster homes at other times. My adoptive mother tells stories of having a very hard time bonding with me, and we still struggle with this. I’ve always struggled with relationships, and forming bonds with others. I wonder how much the first four years of my life impacts my life, and now impacts my parenting skills. I think this definitely impacts my lack of confidence in my parenting skills, and my lack of instinct on what to do with Alex. So even though I like the idea of attachment parenting, I lack the confidence that I think is required for it. Attachment parenting requires the parent to be stronger and more self-confident than I feel most of the time. This is why I need something that gives me a formula, or a workprogram, on how to parent. Knowing this, I have gravitated towards establishing routines, and scheduling Alex’s life a little more than attachment parenting would prescribe. As I’m writing this, I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well, but I hope this makes sense!

Whatever we’re doing, I think it’s working, because Alex seems to be doing really well. I think the routines that we’ve established in her life seem to help her know what’s happening next, and they make me more confident as well. The days when she is at her best are the days when there aren’t a lot of changes to routine, and she has plenty of time to play and cuddle. She smiles almost all day long it seems, and her smile just melts my heart. I want to do the best for Alex, and so far, at least I know I’m trying my best! We’ve accomplished the early baby stage, and she’s sleeping well, seems happy, got over her first big illness, and is now learning new things every day! I love watching her explore her toys, and her fascination in everything. Speaking of, I want to learn more about how babies learn, and the best way to teach her new things. Does anyone have any good suggestions for books? :)

Quitter

I quit breastfeeding. After struggling with supply issues for five months, I quit last week. And I’m sad about it. My husband convinced me that there was something wrong with my milk, and that is the reason why Alex continued to throw up, long after a stomach virus would normally continue. I could have done an elimination diet, but I already was limiting most items that are usual suspects in dietary issues – dairy, spicy food, caffeine, etc. I could have, or should have, fought him more, and fought for continuing breastfeeding more, or at least pumped and dumped or froze the milk while we figured things out, but I didn’t. I gave up. It seemed to help Alex for a couple days, but she resumed throwing up so I know it wasn’t the breast milk… About quitting, I feel a little relieved, and a lot guilty. I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m trying to get over it. I’m trying to be proud of myself for lasting five months even with the supply issues. And learn for the next time, because hopefully I will get pregnant again, and breastfeed my child again, and last longer, hopefully for my original goal of one year. This is what I will do differently next time: pump more early, use herbs and maybe even domperidone from the beginning, rent hospital pump immediately, insist on lactation consultant help, get help from people other than my husband at home for the first couple weeks, and tell my husband to pound sand when it comes to anything about breastfeeding… Overall, I’m very glad I breastfed my baby girl for 5 months, I wish I would have done it longer, I hated the struggle every day about milk supply, I still don’t understand why my husband never supported me in breastfeeding, and I’m happy to have that chapter in my life OVER!

Now on to better things – my little Alex! I’m happy to report that she hasn’t thrown up since Sunday, and was able to go back to daycare yesterday. We went back to the doc on Monday, and the doc thinks that Alex’s sickness started as a stomach virus, but given that she was happy throughout it all, and would only throw up occasionally, that it may have transitioned into something else. We gave them a poop sample (digging around in a diaper for enough poop for a sample is something I never thought I would do, but strangely wasn’t a huge deal – the things we do as a mom…) and will get the results in a few days. But in the meantime the doc told us to try Enfamil AR, which has added rice and thickens in baby’s belly. Perhaps the thicker formula will stay in Alex’s belly better than other formula. So she’s been on that since Monday night. She hasn’t thrown any of it up, and she seems to like it, but she also seems very hungry! She gets pissed when she finishes a bottle, so I’ve increased the bottles to 6 ounces from 4-5, and I’m a bit hesitant to go over that, but I might tomorrow. In general she seems a bit grumpy – quick to be hungry, and angry when she’s done eating. She gets 6-7 bottles a day, at 5-6 ounces each – this is huge, right? She weighs a little over 15 pounds, and using the 2.5 times weight = ounces, it would be 37.5 ounces, so maybe that is right… I guess it’s good that she’s so hungry, it means she has her appetite back, and will gain some of the weight she lost while being sick. Maybe I should increase her bottles to 7 ounces and see what happens…

Before Alex got sick, she was starting to try solid foods a bit, and was figuring it out. We stopped solids while she was sick, so it’s been a couple weeks. I tried to give her oatmeal and squash last night, both of which she liked before getting sick, and she wanted nothing to do with it! I’m going to try prunes tonight, as I think the new formula is clogging her up – she hasn’t pooped since Monday, which could also be causing some of the fussiness. I gave her some apple juice last night and this morning to help with constipation, and she loved it! I know we should limit juice, but at this point, I just want her to poop! Or really anything so I can get my happy healthy baby back!!!

Just doing my best

This mothering thing is hard. And I’m not talking about my normal complaints of there’s so much to do, and not enough hours in the day, blah, blah, blah. I think I was expecting that part. The hardest thing about mothering is not knowing what to do, and feeling guilty and conflicted about the decisions I make. I wish I were more confident, and that I had stronger instincts. Some women talk about this mothering instinct that just takes over, but I don’t feel that, at least about the big things. I think the minute by minute stuff I can figure out, or instinct takes over, but what about the big things? Like getting your child to sleep at night, and when to start solids, or what I’m dealing with right now – why is my baby sick?

Alex was sent home on Thursday from daycare due to vomiting and diarrhea. She seemed incredibly happy still, just couldn’t keep everything down. Looked like your average stomach virus. And so we started a regimen of pedialyte and once she could keep that down for awhile, a little bit of breast milk or formula. Small and often meals, as directed by the doc. The last time she threw up was around noon on Saturday, and then the last time she had diarrhea was Saturday night. Upon the recommendation of the hubs (who, as a reminder, is not pro-breast feeding, and has been encouraging me to quit for months), we only fed her formula yesterday (Sunday). And she seemed fine. The daycare’s rule is she needs to be symptom free for 24 hours before she can return, so she was allowed to return today, but I chose to stay home with her and watch her. I wanted to make sure she was back to a full day of milk with no pedialyte before I sent her back to daycare. So I nursed her this morning like normal, except I made her take a break in the middle so she would have small and often meals instead of a lot of milk all at once. A few hours later, she threw up all over. And then an hour later, threw up some more. She seems to be reacting poorly to my breast milk. All the evidence over the last few days makes it look like she can keep formula down, but throws up breast milk.

And so, I’m thinking of quitting. I know I shouldn’t quit over a few days of maybe coincidences with a potentially sick baby, but it seems so odd. There’s no fever, she doesn’t act like anything’s wrong, except she throws up breast milk. I’ve actually been thinking of throwing in throwing in the breast feeding towel for awhile. I’m sick of pumping at work, and everything that is involved. I’ve spent five months (can you believe my baby is five months old???) fighting my low milk supply so she has always had formula as well as breast milk, and I’ve hated all of the supply issues, from the herbs to the domperidone, to the constant pumping. But I love knowing that I’m giving my baby immunities (yeah right – look how sick she is!) and I really like the physical act of nursing. I love how excited she gets when she sees my boobs and how she attacks me. I love how she looks up at me, and sometimes gets the biggest grin on her face, with milk spilling down her face. I love how if she wakes up in the middle of the night, all I have to do is grab her, bring her in my bed, give her a boob, and she drifts off happily to sleep. I will miss this so much.

But what if I’m making her sick? I called the doctor, and spoke with the nurse – she said it’s highly unlikely that I’m suddenly making her sick, that it’s a coincidence. But for the last five days, I’ve given her breast milk, and she pukes. And I give her formula, and she keeps it down. My husband of course thinks I should quit. He agreed to stay home from work tomorrow if she was sick, but now he thinks that it’s because I gave her breast milk, so he’s giving me a hard time about staying home.

I wish there was an answer, and that this decision was easier. I’m so conflicted. I want to do the best thing for Alex, but I feel like I’m poisoning her with my milk! At least with formula I know that it’s good for her. I think the most important time for breast feeding has passed – I got her through two rounds of shots, right? I thought I would fight stronger for breast feeding, but after infertility, and after my struggles with my milk supply, I no longer have confidence in my body to feed my child. In fact, I now think that I’m hurting her with it…

Siblings

I have a plethora of family members, thanks to being a child of divorce as well as being adopted. Let’s see, I have seven parents (mom, dad, step-mom, step-dad, birth mom, birth dad, and birth step-mom (I guess that’s what you would call it!)). And I have five siblings that I know of (half-brother (guy I grew up with, not related by blood since I was adopted but dad’s son from his first marriage), step-brother and step-sister from my step-dad, step-brother from my step-mom, and half sister (blood relation) from my birth mother but I’ve never met her). I think there’s another half sister somewhere out there from my birth father, but he gave her up for adoption too. Anyone confused yet? But with all these siblings, I don’t have anyone with whom I’m close. I grew up with my brother (half-brother, dad’s kid with first wife), so that’s the only one with whom I’ve had a real relationship, but we don’t talk much. I haven’t seen him in probably seven or eight years. When I was 12, and he was 16, he ran away from our home to live with his mother in California. Once he got there, he got into drugs and such, and ended up in jail and then rehab. He has bounced around jobs, girlfriends, and rehab since. We now keep in contact via Facebook, but I just found out on Facebook that he visited his mother (dad’s first wife) in Houston, THE TOWN I LIVE IN, for a week – last week! And he didn’t contact me. And his mother, whom I’m also friends with on Facebook, didn’t contact me either! Both of these people know that I live here, and I’ve expressed interest in getting together with his mother, but no, they didn’t call me at all. I’m hurt, and so disappointed that I had the opportunity to see my brother again, but for some reason they didn’t think to contact me.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but I guess I’m not. We haven’t had a relationship in a long time. Really since he ran away when he was 16. I used to look up to him, and because we lived in the mountains away from many people, we hung out together, more than the typical brother/sister four years apart. He was my true brother for eight years (age 4 when I was adopted through 12 when he ran away), and I miss him. It’s now 24 years later, but I miss having my brother in my life.

I’ve always been jealous of those with close sibling relationships. It’s good to have someone in your life that will always be there, and you can be more yourself with than your parents. Also when our parents leave our lives, which inevitably happens with time, our siblings will still be around. I technically have five (maybe six) siblings, and I’m not close with any of them. This makes me sad, and I wish for something different for my Alex. I hope she can have siblings in her life, and that she is close with them. I hope she develops relationships with them that will last a lifetime.

I needed this reminder this week. Once again, the hubs is not helping out at home. He was really good after his three weeks of Daddy Daycare, but somehow he forgot what he learned while home with Alex, that it takes a lot to run our household. And maybe I got too reliant on him helping out around home, because I asked for something unusual – sleeping in on a weekend morning. He has slept in almost every weekend morning since Alex has been born, but I haven’t done it once. I won’t go into all the details, but it did not go well – at all. And since then I’ve been back to my status of single mom with a husband, because he got pissed and he shows his anger by not doing anything. Which sucks. The first place that my mind goes to is I will not do this again – I won’t have another baby and have to take care of everything by myself. For a couple of days, I kept repeating in my head that I won’t have another baby – it’s too much work by myself. But then, I saw that Facebook update about my brother being here in Houston, and I realized that I want something better for my child. I want her to know the joy and companionship that a sibling can bring to her life. And that to deny her this because I don’t want the additional work that will come with another baby when I don’t have a husband who helps out much is selfish. And so I will continue with our plan: after Alex is a year old, at which time I will finally quit breastfeeding, I’ll go back to the RE and arrange an FET. We are so lucky to have five frozen embryos waiting for us, and I will do my best to turn those into a baby. (But what if I have twins or more? Can you imagine the work involved with multiples AND a toddler? Oh God, someone talk me off a ledge…)

Of course, this all assumes that I can have another baby, which we all know is a BIG assumption…

Sleep!

I feel like such a cliché: here I am, trying to figure out how to get my 4 ½ month old child to sleep more. I think the problem is I know it’s possible – she has done it before. When Alex was about 10 weeks old, we started implementing routines of eat, awake, sleep, loosely based on Babywise (but no crying it out). And it worked. Within a couple weeks, Alex went from getting up around 4-5 times each night to once or twice, just in time for me to return to work. And for about 4 days there, she didn’t get up at all. We gave her a dream feed, but other than that, she would sleep all night long. But then, she didn’t. Starting about 3 ½ months, she started waking up early – about 3 or 4 in the morning. Being the sleepy head that I am at that time in the morning, I would run upstairs, grab her, and bring her into bed (why TX houses have the master room downstairs is just beyond me!). I’d give her a boob, and we would all sleep until the morning. I would wake up, and try to slip out of bed without anyone waking up. Which worked – sometimes. And then a couple weeks ago, she started waking up at 1 am, and at 4 in the morning! I would be happy with continuing to grab her and co-sleep, except to be honest, I wasn’t sleeping with her next to me. I love co-sleeping, I really do. If it were completely up to me, and if I didn’t work, I would probably do that forever, or at least until she got embarrassed in college about it… But when she’s next to me, and especially when she’s sleeping with my boob in her mouth (her preferred method), I don’t sleep. I may drift in and out, but I’m always very aware of where she is, whether covers are over her, if the hubs is moving, making sure he doesn’t crush her, etc. Also my position when she sleeps next to me is so uncomfortable that I get up every morning with an aching back.

When I started getting comments from the hubs about spoiling our baby, I knew that our co-sleeping was coming to an end. Plus I was starting to get very bleary eyed. And I firmly believe that good sleep is very good for children. I have so many friends whose kids get up every night and crawl into their parents beds, or won’t go to sleep at night. My friends spend hours putting them to bed each night, or have to hang out outside their doors to make sure their kids don’t come out after bedtime. This is not how I want to raise my kids! I also have a few friends who have raised their children to be good sleepers, and these are also the same kids who can go out to a restaurant and sit nicely at the table with their parents. These are the kind of kids I want to raise – those that are pleasurable to be around! The parents who with well-behaved kids tend to be the ones who have rules, and have done some sort of sleep training. Hubs and I have talked about this a lot, and we both agree that we should do this (and he helps – you should have seen the spreadsheets he developed during daddy daycare!). So a few days ago, when Alex cried in the middle of the night, I would go to her, nurse her and then put her back in her crib. And she was fine. We do this twice each night – once around 1, and once around 5 am. Then I wake her up at 7 to eat and get dressed, and we leave for daycare about 7:45. But how do I get her to drop the middle of the night feedings?

Two nights ago, I was feeling awful and exhausted. I’ve been fighting a cold all week, and I was just done. So I asked hubs to do the bedtime routine, including giving Alex a bath and a bottle right before bed. Thankfully he agreed, and so I went to bed. In 4.5 months, this was the first time that Alex was put to bed by someone other than me. Other people, including hubs, my MIL, daycare people, have put her down for naps just fine. But nobody else has done the bedtime thing. I figured it would be fine, but I wanted to test it out before a planned event in early April – we’re actually going to get a babysitter and go out! Well, it didn’t go well. We have a routine where if Alex cries after being put in her crib, we let her cry for 5 minutes, then console her, then 10 minutes, then console her, and keep going back every 10 minutes until she sleeps. She’s never cried after the 1st 10 minute consoling. Until Daddy put her to bed two nights ago… It did not go well. After listening to her cry and hubs trying to get her to calm down for a few sessions, I finally got out of bed and took over. And she went to sleep instantly without crying! He told me good job, but it’s a problem. I can’t be there every night to put her to bed!

I started thinking about our routines, and I think I’ve been feeding her to sleep at night. Either by nursing or with a bottle, I put her into her crib either asleep or super drowsy. And then in the middle of the night, when she cries, I immediately nurse her and she falls back asleep. Maybe I need to console her in the middle of the night without feeding her? And make sure she’s more awake when I put her in the crib at the beginning of the night?

Last night, I fed her right before bedtime, and she was super drowsy. But I pulled a book out, and read it to her with a lot more enthusiasm and excitement than I normally do at bedtime. She woke up a bit, and started to play with the pages (so cute!). Then I sang her a song, told her I loved her, and put her in her crib with her wide awake. I gave her a lovie (small silky blanket), turned on her mobile, and walked away. She fussed, not really crying, for about 2-3 minutes, and then fell asleep. And amazingly, I woke her up at 7 am!!! For the first time in over a month, she slept all night long!!! Now I’m smarter than I was before – I know this could be a fluke. But I have hope again – maybe this will work.

But I’d love to hear from others about sleep tips. Honestly, I can handle the middle of the night waking. It’s a special time that we have, and I kind of miss it when she sleeps all night. Because I’m a working mom, I cherish the time we have together, which is also part of the reason I loved sleeping with her! But the real problem is we need to make sure that other people can put her to bed. The babysitter that will be over in April needs to be able to put her to bed, and Daddy needs to be able to do it too! So we’re going to try to have him do it more. I have this dream of a glorious little sleeper that wakes up in the morning in a great mood – how do I get there?

Phew! And one year ago...

Seven weeks after returning to work, we finally finished our yearend deadline. Ah, the life of an accountant… So I’m hoping that I now will have some more time for blogging. Sorry for being so behind on catching up on blogs – I’m hoping I can catch up in the next week!

Things are going amazingly well at home and at work. I was very lucky to be able to arrange at-home care for little Alex for the first six weeks after returning to work. My MIL took care of her the 1st week, we hired a friend as a nanny for two weeks, and then the hubs did Daddy Daycare for 3 weeks. I was a little worried about how it would go, but it was amazing! I highly recommend this for every father out there, even if it’s for a week. He is very lucky to have paid paternity leave from his company, but even if they have to take vacation, it is definitely worth it for dads to be completely responsible for their babies when the moms go back to work for at least a week! I came home every day, and took over baby care from him, and we had nice evenings together. He made dinner almost every night, and took care of (almost) everything at home. He even got some painting and landscaping done during naps. Yes, the house was a little messy, but I’m working on relaxing my standards a bit, and just being ok with a little messiness. Because the only thing that’s important is taking care of Alex. We are grateful for our maid that comes in once a week, and I am now paying her a little more as we’re messier than we ever have been, and she’s doing a great job for us. I was worried about hubs returning back to work, and just going back to his old method of not doing anything, but we talked about this before he returned, and he has taken on complete responsibility of washing bottles and preparing them for daycare every evening. Just to have him take on this job makes everything better. I know that he is contributing to the care of Alex, and this is something that he can do even if he comes home late. And he admitted that before Daddy Daycare he was unsure of what needed to be done, and he didn’t realize how much had to be done, so he’s happy to help now. We haven’t fought in weeks – it’s awesome!

Alex started daycare on Tuesday. She has been doing great, and I’m proud to say that I didn’t cry at all this morning (unlike the first few days)… The first day was awful. I had a list of things I was going to tell them in the morning, and I just started crying hysterically so I had to run out of there. I didn’t want Alex to see me crying like that. I went back at lunch, and of course she was sleeping. But the daycare folks were nice, and very understanding of my tears – I’m sure they see it a lot. They seem to be really good to her, and tell me every day how happy she is at daycare. And I love the director, who seems very involved in everything. I wish I could spend more time with Alex, but if I have to send her to daycare, I’m very happy with my choice of places.

Breastfeeding is still going. I started taking domperidone about a month ago, and it helped a little. Just like herbs and other stuff, I had this dream of waking up one day with leaky breasts and a ton of milk, but that of course never happened. I’ve been fighting this milk supply issue for over four months, and it’s exhausting! I went to a La Leche League meeting a couple weeks ago, and they gave me some really good advice. After listening to all that I’ve been doing to increase my supply, and my pump and feeding schedule, and hearing how frantic I am about my supply, they told me to relax. I never had the ease of breastfeeding, considering I’ve been supplementing and nursing and pumping since day 3 of Alex’s life. So it is all difficult. They told me that I won’t be able to keep up this frenetic pace, and I show signs of breastfeeding burnout. They said it’s more important to keep nursing a little for longer than it is to have a certain amount of ounces now. So do whatever I can to make it easier on myself. And nurse more – let go of the pump some. I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night to pump, and they said to stop doing that. For the first time, I had people who are obviously very pro-breastfeeding telling me to stop trying so hard to increase my supply. And it was so nice to hear! Or maybe it’s the first time I received permission to relax, and I actually listened. What they said makes so much sense. So now I have no idea how much I’m making (I still think it’s around 20 ounces max) but I’m focusing more on the relationship and intimacy aspects of breastfeeding, which got lost in the milk supply issues. They even suggested stopping pumping at work if it will keep me nursing longer, but I haven’t done that. Amazingly, I can still get work done during pumping sessions (and now I’m going to use that time for blogging) so I don’t feel like I need to stop pumping at work. But I’m going to try to stop using my pump at home, except for a late night session right before I go to bed. Using this kind of schedule makes it so much easier on me, and I get to focus on that adorable little grin that she gives me when nursing, causing milk to spill out of her mouth. Love that!

We took our first flight together this past weekend. We went to Denver for a short trip for a friend’s baby shower and to see everyone, and Alex was great! I recently purchased an Ergo carrier, and I love it! The Bjorn was nice when she was little, and I used the Moby some when she was little too. But now that she’s bigger, I don’t really like either of those. But the Ergo is fantastic! At four months, Alex is too excited with the world to be able to sleep on the go. But I was able to put her in the Ergo, pull up the little hood thing to block off the world, and she was able to get some good naps in while I was at a happy hour with friends! What a fabulous invention! Plus it helped in the airport and on the plane. As we boarded, one guy a couple rows back made some comment, “Oh great!” when he saw us board. But I’m happy to say that little Alex didn’t cry or scream or anything! I just gave the guy a big smile at the end of the flight…

All in all, things are going really well for us. Alex is healthy (which I hope continues now that she has started daycare), the hubs and I are doing really well, and we’re all figuring out our new schedule which involves daycare and working. This is the life I dreamed of, and I’m so thankful that I get to live it!


One year ago today (wow, I just realized it is one year), I found out about this little one I now call my daughter. I peed on a stick, and my whole life changed. I was so scared that my pregnancy wouldn’t last, and so I spent much of my pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I get to hold my baby girl and know that one year later, my dream has come true. I am a mother to the most amazing little girl I’ve ever seen. She made it all worth it – all the heartache, the months of trying with no success, the treatments, and even the pain of losing my babies. I wish I had those babies, but then I wouldn’t have my little Alex. And she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would do it all over again, as long as I can have her in my life. This is a pic I took of her on her first day of daycare, and I look at it all day long. This smile keeps me going.