One Year Ago

I woke up today, so tired. But somewhere in my fog, things started to change in the shower. As I was leaning over for my daily hot water massage on my lower back and stretch (backaches this early – ugh!), I started thinking about how lucky I am. The last few days, I’ve been more tired than normal, and the backaches are getting worse and worse, and I’ve been getting a little grumpy. But today I realized that it’s all so worth it – thank goodness I get the opportunity to have a sore back.

The last few weeks have seen some really low lows in the IF blogworld – losses beyond imagination. And some very high highs – births, and BFPs. Wonderful news. Also, in my personal life, my BFF found out last week that her second IVF resulted in a BFN, and now she won’t return my phone calls. I know she just needs time, but it’s still hard knowing she is hurting, and she won’t talk to me. All this makes me think about how many different paths there are, and how hard we are all trying to build our families, and some of us make it, and some of us don’t. I don’t know why some of us get our babies, and for some reason some of us never get a chance, or keep losing our babies. All I know is I’m so very grateful to have this chance. Yes, I fought really hard for this baby, and I continue to fight, but I know how fleeting this happiness can be. And I know how lucky I am to have this baby inside me. I’m starting the golden time of pregnancy – the small little flutters are starting in my lower belly (I think it’s movement – can’t really tell for sure), and I have an ultrasound where we will be able to find out the sex of the baby next week – I can’t wait! And suddenly today I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, happiness and peacefulness about my baby.

And then I got to work, and looked at the date: June 15. One year after going into the doctor at 8 ½ weeks, blissfully pregnant, excited to show my husband the heartbeat. And then realizing that there was no longer a heartbeat. I think back to that date, one year ago, and it seems like a lifetime has passed. What a long year it has been. I miss that little guy – so very much. But if I had that baby, I wouldn’t have the baby that is in my belly today. It’s so hard to think of one without the other. I’m not a big believer in “things happen for a reason.” This phrase would upset me to no end when people would tell me that after my ectopic last year, and then especially after my little one’s heartbeat stopped. I think it fed into my fear about not being able to have kids because I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. But today, I really wish I didn’t have to go through what I did last year, and I really wish we had that baby we lost, but I feel like a different person today after going through it all. I believe that all the heartache, all the tears I shed, it all shaped me into the woman I am today. One that is so incredibly grateful for the baby I currently hold inside me today.