The Best Laid Plans

My hubs cannot keep a secret, at least not from me. I find this one of his most endearing qualities, even if it has ruined a few surprises over the years. He can rarely wait until Christmas or my birthday to show me my gifts. He bought my engagement ring while out of town visiting friends, and was planning to do something big and romantic for a proposal, but instead as soon as he saw me, he bent down on one knee and proposed – the ring was burning a hole in his pocket. I love this quality of him, as it’s further evidence that I can trust him completely and he could never keep a secret from me, but it sometimes has a drawback – we often celebrate holidays with me giving him presents, but there’s nothing for me that I don’t know about already!

Last night, the hubs did it again. A package came in the mail, and he asked me if I wanted a gift. C’mon, what girl doesn’t want a gift? But then he explained that it was a “push present” and maybe I should wait until after I pushed to get it. First of all, I think push presents are silly, and I had told him this, but don’t mind getting a gift for any reason, especially if it’s to celebrate being a mom! Also, I was kind of bummed after my doctor’s appointment yesterday when I found out I wasn’t dilated at all and the doctor expects the induction to be difficult, and maybe result in a c-section. So I thought that opening a gift might cheer me up… And when someone is holding a gift excitedly and asks if I want to open it, of course the answer will be yes! So I said yes, and he told me the gift was from Blue Nile – could I guess what it is?

I got excited. For those of you that have been my bloggy friend for awhile, you might recall that I bought myself a charm bracelet last year for myself from Blue Nile. Here’s the post and picture. I bought two charms for the two babies I lost – hearts with the birth stones for the months that I lost my little ones. And I got some happy charms – a dog and one to commemorate our wedding. Upon request, hubs got me a cat one for Christmas. And I knew that someday, when I got my baby, I would get a charm to represent my baby. I really wanted the baby shoe here. I was planning on asking for it for Christmas.

So when I saw the Blue Nile box, I was very excited. I was getting my charm! But then I opened the box. And it was a heart with a November birth stone, with the letter A engraved for Alexandra. And I burst into tears. Hubs was so confused, he didn’t understand. “What’s wrong? I thought you liked the charms.” I sobbed, “I do, but it’s a heart.” “But I thought you like hearts – you have two on your bracelet!” “Yes, but they’re for the dead babies. I want Alex to be alive, to be different, and not be a dead baby.”

I feel so bad. Hubs really thought he was doing such a good job by getting me a charm to represent Alex, and he really did. I should have told him, been more clear when I picked out the charms, that for the live baby, I wanted something other than the hearts. I told hubs that I wanted something different, and he pointed out that this one had an A engraved for her name. Which caused me to sob even more – the dead babies didn’t get names! I felt so bad last night crying like that over a gift, but I couldn’t help it. For over a year, I’ve looked down at my charm bracelet, and touched those two little hearts, thinking of my dead babies, and looking forward to the time when I have something different to touch for my live baby. But last night I got very scared that somehow he jinxed us, that giving me a charm that was similar to my dead baby charms would cause Alex to be dead too. I know this isn’t rational, but I’m a nine-month pregnant woman about to be induced on Tuesday! I’m the first person to admit that I’m not at my most rational right now!

I finally calmed down, apologized for reacting so poorly, and suggested that maybe we should hold off on putting the charm on the bracelet until after Alex is born, and she’s healthy. Perhaps we should wait until after the pushing to use the push present…

So then in desperation to make me feel better, he ruined my Christmas surprise and showed me online the gift he plans on getting me: a beautiful Tiffany necklace with Alex’s birthstone!