Great Weekend!

I had a really nice weekend. I went by myself (this never happens – always travel with the hubs) to Denver for the weekend. On Friday night, I stayed with my mom, which was good. She just moved back to Denver from S.C., so it will be easier to see her more often. My mom and I struggle, but this weekend was nice. We didn’t talk about anything too heavy. Lately she’s been trying to talk to me about our past together a lot – my adoption story, and problems that I had growing up. I know that it’s important to discuss these things sometime – that would help us move on, but this weekend, I just wasn’t up to it, and she respected that. I kept trying to bring up stuff about my fertility struggle, and I’ve never seen my mother or step-dad change subjects so fast. My step-dad is a doctor, so I was trying to get advice on how to pick doctors, and I was curious as to what doctors think about patients who try to be well-informed and try to direct their own healthcare. Yes, I was bringing it up in relation to my infertility, but I seriously wanted to know his opinion! My mom would just drop right in the conversation and change the subject as soon as possible. Then my mom asked me about my charm bracelet. Just remembered – I never have shown it here – here it is.



It has a charm with a June birthstone for the baby we lost in June, a charm with a February birthstone for the baby we lost in February, a dog charm for my pups, and a sand pail and shovel for our wedding – it was a destination wedding in The Bahamas, and we gave out sand pails with beach towels and beachy trinkets to all the guests.

Anyway, my mom asked me about it, wondering if I liked charm bracelets, and I told her that I recently bought it for myself. I said that all the charms mean something. She asked what the hearts mean, and I told her it was for the babies I lost in February and June. She just stared at me, said “Oh, that’s nice.” And completely changed the subject. Weird. I keep trying to tell myself that she’s uncomfortable or something talking about feelings or such. But she’s a clinical psychologist for pete’s sake! Seriously, what is wrong with her??? All in all, it was a nice 24 hours spent with her, but I was so glad when she dropped me off at my friend’s house. I feel awful saying that about my mom, but it’s true.

My time with my friend was great. She had a dinner party at her new townhome, and it was really fun. We stayed up late drinking wine, and talking after everyone else left. Plus the people that were there are really good friends of ours as well. One couple is going with us to Europe in 5 weeks! So excited for that.

I also got almost all the way through a book I just bought: “Avoiding Miscarriage: Everything You Need to Know to Feel More Confident in Pregnancy” by Susan Rousselot. It’s actually really good – I was surprised. It was very helpful to have all the causes of miscarriage laid out, and it talked about the tests you should take to rule things out, and how to talk to your doctor, and even how to talk to your husband. I was impressed – it’s pretty easy to get through, and helpful. Next on the reading list is “Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?: Unexplained Infertility, Miscarriage & IVF Failure – Explained and Treated” by Alan Beer. It’s all about the immunology part of infertility and miscarriage. I was looking forward to reading this first, but it’s huge! And definitely not plane-friendly. I read the Avoiding Miscarriage book on the plane, but the title is huge, and there’s this picture of a pregnant woman’s belly on the front. I hate books that aren’t on Kindle… I don’t have the Kindle, but I have the Kindle software on my iphone, and I love it. These are the first books I’ve bought in over a year that aren’t on Kindle. But they weren’t available for it, so I’m back to real books. It was kind of nice reading a real book, but it was awkward holding a piece of paper over the cover of the book – felt weird reading that in the plane for all to see – I was in the middle seat…

It’s weird that I’m afraid to publicly read my book, but I told my mom this weekend that I don’t care who she tells in the family about my infertility. I really don’t. I’m finally coming out to most all my family and friends about infertility. It’s almost interesting to me who responds well and who doesn’t. I don’t talk about it a ton, but most everyone knows that I had a miscarriage, and that we’ve had troubles getting pregnant. Even with my friends, it’s kind of weird. The guy that I’m going to Europe with said he wanted to take a vicodin or something on the plane over there, and I mentioned that I have some – that I got it after my surgery. His wife said, “Surgery? What surgery – on your foot?” as I still have the boot from my ankle sprain. I said “No, the D&C” and she’s a nurse - you think she would be comfortable talking about this! She got red, and changed the subject as soon as possible. Weird – just weird. This is the friend that got in an argument with me while I was pregnant, insisting that I wasn’t infertile. That if I can get pregnant at all, that I’m not infertile. I wonder if she still thinks that’s true…