Monday, August 2, 2010

Great Weekend!

I had a really nice weekend. I went by myself (this never happens – always travel with the hubs) to Denver for the weekend. On Friday night, I stayed with my mom, which was good. She just moved back to Denver from S.C., so it will be easier to see her more often. My mom and I struggle, but this weekend was nice. We didn’t talk about anything too heavy. Lately she’s been trying to talk to me about our past together a lot – my adoption story, and problems that I had growing up. I know that it’s important to discuss these things sometime – that would help us move on, but this weekend, I just wasn’t up to it, and she respected that. I kept trying to bring up stuff about my fertility struggle, and I’ve never seen my mother or step-dad change subjects so fast. My step-dad is a doctor, so I was trying to get advice on how to pick doctors, and I was curious as to what doctors think about patients who try to be well-informed and try to direct their own healthcare. Yes, I was bringing it up in relation to my infertility, but I seriously wanted to know his opinion! My mom would just drop right in the conversation and change the subject as soon as possible. Then my mom asked me about my charm bracelet. Just remembered – I never have shown it here – here it is.

It has a charm with a June birthstone for the baby we lost in June, a charm with a February birthstone for the baby we lost in February, a dog charm for my pups, and a sand pail and shovel for our wedding – it was a destination wedding in The Bahamas, and we gave out sand pails with beach towels and beachy trinkets to all the guests.

Anyway, my mom asked me about it, wondering if I liked charm bracelets, and I told her that I recently bought it for myself. I said that all the charms mean something. She asked what the hearts mean, and I told her it was for the babies I lost in February and June. She just stared at me, said “Oh, that’s nice.” And completely changed the subject. Weird. I keep trying to tell myself that she’s uncomfortable or something talking about feelings or such. But she’s a clinical psychologist for pete’s sake! Seriously, what is wrong with her??? All in all, it was a nice 24 hours spent with her, but I was so glad when she dropped me off at my friend’s house. I feel awful saying that about my mom, but it’s true.

My time with my friend was great. She had a dinner party at her new townhome, and it was really fun. We stayed up late drinking wine, and talking after everyone else left. Plus the people that were there are really good friends of ours as well. One couple is going with us to Europe in 5 weeks! So excited for that.

I also got almost all the way through a book I just bought: “Avoiding Miscarriage: Everything You Need to Know to Feel More Confident in Pregnancy” by Susan Rousselot. It’s actually really good – I was surprised. It was very helpful to have all the causes of miscarriage laid out, and it talked about the tests you should take to rule things out, and how to talk to your doctor, and even how to talk to your husband. I was impressed – it’s pretty easy to get through, and helpful. Next on the reading list is “Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?: Unexplained Infertility, Miscarriage & IVF Failure – Explained and Treated” by Alan Beer. It’s all about the immunology part of infertility and miscarriage. I was looking forward to reading this first, but it’s huge! And definitely not plane-friendly. I read the Avoiding Miscarriage book on the plane, but the title is huge, and there’s this picture of a pregnant woman’s belly on the front. I hate books that aren’t on Kindle… I don’t have the Kindle, but I have the Kindle software on my iphone, and I love it. These are the first books I’ve bought in over a year that aren’t on Kindle. But they weren’t available for it, so I’m back to real books. It was kind of nice reading a real book, but it was awkward holding a piece of paper over the cover of the book – felt weird reading that in the plane for all to see – I was in the middle seat…

It’s weird that I’m afraid to publicly read my book, but I told my mom this weekend that I don’t care who she tells in the family about my infertility. I really don’t. I’m finally coming out to most all my family and friends about infertility. It’s almost interesting to me who responds well and who doesn’t. I don’t talk about it a ton, but most everyone knows that I had a miscarriage, and that we’ve had troubles getting pregnant. Even with my friends, it’s kind of weird. The guy that I’m going to Europe with said he wanted to take a vicodin or something on the plane over there, and I mentioned that I have some – that I got it after my surgery. His wife said, “Surgery? What surgery – on your foot?” as I still have the boot from my ankle sprain. I said “No, the D&C” and she’s a nurse - you think she would be comfortable talking about this! She got red, and changed the subject as soon as possible. Weird – just weird. This is the friend that got in an argument with me while I was pregnant, insisting that I wasn’t infertile. That if I can get pregnant at all, that I’m not infertile. I wonder if she still thinks that’s true…


  1. I'm glad you had a good weekend. That is really odd about your parents though. I wonder why they are so uncomfortable with the subject? Although I must say that my family is awkward and oddly quiet around me. I think they just don't know what to say with the exception of the one aunt who is an IFer.
    I'm so jealous of your Europe trip. I've been reminiscing about our last visit to the UK this weekend and talking about our next trip whenever that will be. I hope you have a blast!

  2. I'm so glad you had a nice weekend in Denver with your mom and your friends. And I'm so excited for your trip to Europe - it's going to be amazing :-)

    I love, love, love your charm bracelet. Where is it from? Such a perfect way to remember. I've been thinking about getting something similar to recognize the losses, I have the necklace for the miscarriage, but I do want something more for the ectopic.

    It's so hard to bring up these hard things in conversation and not send people running. I'm finding that I really need to talk about it, but when is it appropriate to discuss? Can I not bring it up at a party? It's my life, it's a huge part of me, infertility and pregnancy loss, and it's not healthy to hide it, but it seems I'm only making others uncomfortable and that's awkward.

  3. Al, I got the charm bracelet from There are a lot of charms available, and so I expect that I will continue to be able to add charms as events happen in my life. Maybe one will be a baby someday...

  4. Thanks!! I think I'm going to get one similar, I love that I can add stuff as more things happen.

    And yes, hoping you'll be adding one of the baby charms very, very soon. <3

  5. Sounds like a great weekend. And it's a beautiful charm bracelet. Those books sound amazing.

  6. I ooze the charm bracelet. So meaningful. I think I finally have figured out what I want to use to remember our loss. It is hard to find what has the right meaning.

  7. Lol... Uh I "ooze" the bracelet? My ipad is weird... I "love" it...

  8. Love the bracelet! I'm glad that (overall) it was a good visit to Denver for you! Can't wait to hear more about all the places you get to visit in Europe....

  9. I am so glad you had a relaxing weekend. I find that a lot of people are uncomfortable talking about IF -- but I keep doing it anyway. After all, it took me YEARS to even use the word "infertile" in relation to myself. I almost felt if I said it, I would make it real and jinx any hope we had at having a baby. I've finally come around, and am as open as I can be about it. If someone asks, I tell them. I post about it on FB. Most people run the other way, but a few have reached out, and those are the ones who make it all worthwhile.


  10. I'm glad that you had a good weekend! Were you adopted because they were going through infertility? maybe that has something to do with why your parents won't talk about it? Your bracelet is very beautiful, and I'm sorry that you had to have the hearts on it, but I know that they bring you comfort! And on the wedding, I wish we had done a destination wedding, you must have sooooo many great memories associated with the trip!

    Hugs to you!

  11. I love your charm bracelet :)

    I agree, it's so odd how people react. I haven't had any really bad reactions yet (except for the normal "why don't you just adopt?" etc.) but I've heard some horror stories. I don't feel comfortable discussing it with my mom - not sure why - but if I did and she changed the subject like that I would be very annoyed. Can you talk to your mom about how you felt about how she reacted? All I can think of is that they are afraid to go on because you might not want to talk about it (which is still weird if you brought it up...) and they don't know what to say. If only they read these blogs ;)

  12. I'm glad it was such a nice weekend, and I agree that this reaction to miscarriage is odd. But expected and probably the norm. I haven't tested it out on people, myself, as I expect this sort of reaction (or pity, or drama, which would both be WORSE-- my family is big-time into gossip and drama... leave me out!). But I admire that you are out with it to your friends and family. Very much.

    I love the charm bracelet, and I feel you'll get your baby charm soon. Then your nurse friend will thus be "proved" right about you :) (not really of course- you definitely qualify!) but you won't mind her gloating a bit!

  13. People have such strange, complicated reactions to this. And those reactions are so frequently unhelpful...or puzzling. Even people you'd expect to be well-equipped to deal with it. I think that's one of the things that compounds this "on a desert island feeling".

    I'm glad you had relatively good visits, though. And I also love the idea of the charm bracelet. It's thoughtful and meaningful.

  14. Love your bracelet and what it means to you. I have come to the conclusion that people don't understand infertility unless they have lived it themselves. I recently had a chat with a friend of mine who knows about my blog and I told her I am lucky to have such a great community and she asked what community that was. I told her it was an IF community, she laughed and said "honey you got pregnant you are not infertile!" I looked at her took a deep breath and explained her that yes I was an infertile and just because I got lucky and IVF worked for us does not make me instantly fertile. I know we will need IVF to try for baby number 2 and that given my ovarian reserve is diminishing we might never get a second chance at this, so that all that makes me infertile. She didn't get it.
    Hang in there sweetie ...