Girl!!!

I'm sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to see the doc, but the main event has already happened: I had an ultrasound, and the baby finally opened her legs, and showed those unmistakable 3 lines: girl!!! I can't believe it - this makes it seem so very real. 

I can't believe I'm going to be the mother to a little girl. To say that I'm nervous about my capabilities to raise a girl is an understatement. I know I shouldn't be nervous, but having a girl brings up so many different emotions and memories about my childhood that I don't think would happen if I found out our baby is a boy. Oh well, I guess that's what therapy is for... What do you think I'll be talking about with my counselor in the upcoming weeks? :)

Please don't misinterpret my anxiety with disappointment. I've always wanted a little girl. From the clothes and all the girly stuff, to watching the hubs be a father to a girl (I know he'll be great!), to raising a girl to be strong and independent, I'm thrilled! I can't wait to meet her, this little girl of mine!!!

In the meantime, I wish the doc would hurry up so I can get out of here and into the mall! I haven't bought anything yet - it's time to start shopping!

Now is NOT the time for modesty!

I went to the doctor this morning, very excited about the ultrasound. I was so excited to find out if my baby is a boy or girl! BUT… Baby had other plans. The legs were closed the entire time, so the tech couldn’t see anything. Also, the baby’s butt was under my belly button, so there were lots of shadows, and she couldn’t get to the right angle. I was disappointed, but very happy to see that all the measurements and everything look great. The doctor said Baby’s measuring at about 35/100 on the range of babies. I said, so it’s small? But no, it’s just fine, just right in the middle. Finally later the hubs said it’s within one standard deviation of the mean. Which makes sense to me! Why don’t they explain it that way?

I think the doc and the ultrasound tech made up some stuff that they weren’t able to see on today’s ultrasound, so I “have” to come back in to complete the anatomy scan. I was thrilled to find out I get another ultrasound on Monday. The doc said his wife would kill him if she found out he made someone wait another four weeks or more to find out the sex! Love that!

I really wanted to go buy something for the baby this weekend (nothing yet!) and start the registry, but I guess it will have to wait until next week. Oh well, the only thing that matters is the baby is healthy, and measuring right on track! And we're halfway done - 20 weeks tomorrow!!!

Movement!

I have to admit, this is so amazingly cool. About a week ago, at about 18 weeks, I started feeling something in my lower belly, but I figured it was gas. Sometime last week I was in the middle of a meeting, and I felt a distinct movement – nothing that felt like gas, or cramps, or anything. And then it is getting more and more pronounced, each and every day. I can’t believe it – I actually have something growing inside me! The movement is still very sporadic, but oh so distracting. How am I supposed to get anything done over the next few months? All I want to do is stop and focus on feeling my baby move.

And what kind of freak feels movement in her belly and still grabs the Doppler to make sure there’s a heartbeat? I think I didn’t want to feel like a fool when I’ve been telling the hubs about movement, and then it turns out the baby is no longer alive. I keep telling the hubs I feel movement, and he scoffs and tells me it’s probably gas – he’s definitely living up to the stereotype of men during this pregnancy – I don’t think it will seem real for him until he holds the baby. Can’t wait until we see the baby on Friday – it’s been so long since the ultrasound, and we get to find out the sex!

A good friend at work asked me last week how the baby is doing. How are you supposed to answer that? I responded with what I was thinking: “Still here, I think!” He called me creepy… I think that will be the last time he asks me how the baby is doing…

Other than the awkward responses to people, I’m doing just fine. I’m very excited to find out the sex, as I think it will help make it more real when we start calling the baby by its name, and although I won’t truly believe it until there is a baby in my arms, I think there may actually be a child at the end of this road. I’ve stopped reading most of my pregnancy books – there’s not a lot I can do right now about the pregnancy except keep myself healthy. But I can learn about how to take care of a baby, of which I know very little. So I’m reading about things like breastfeeding and sleeping and such. People keep telling me my life will change so much after the baby is born, trying to warn me. I always respond, “I know – I can’t wait!” At least I’m positive with that response…

I Just Don’t Get It

I don’t understand my mother – I never have. I know I should know better, but every once in awhile I forget that I can’t rely on my mother, and it always seems to surprise me. We’ve always struggled with our relationship, but things have been better lately. She’s been very nice on the phone, and she’s been sweet in the last year or so, supporting me through my fertility treatments and losses. But it only goes so far.

About two months ago I asked her to come visit me for a weekend (she lives in Denver). She said she was going on a two-week trip in May, and she would visit me after that. OK, fine. I talked with her two weeks ago when she returned from her trip, and asked her when she was going to visit me. She was vague, “Oh, I’m just so busy. I don’t know when I can.” So I told her to check her calendar and let me know. Mind you, she doesn’t work, she has a husband who works part-time, but her schedule consists of things like taking long walks, knitting and a little charity work – she just told me she’s a model in some charity fashion shows. I talked with her last night, and asked her again when she was coming to visit. This time I told her a project that I wanted help with – recovering the seat cover of a cedar chest that I want to put in the nursery. She gave me the chest years ago, and she has recovered it before, and she acted interested in it when I discussed it last night. When I mentioned a specific purpose and project I wanted to work on with her, she finally sounded interested, but would not commit to a date. She’s done this so many times: “I’d love to come visit you, but I just don’t know when!” I’ve lived in Houston for over three years, and she has never visited…

But then I asked her the big question, only because it came up. She asked me about working after the baby comes (yes, unfortunately), and maternity leave (12 weeks, but the last 3 weeks I’ll work part-time from home), and if the hubs was taking time off. I told Mom that he was taking one week off at birth, and then taking two weeks off when I had to go back to work. We’re planning on using daycare, but I’m somewhat stressed about it. I haven’t visited any yet as they don’t have huge waiting lists around here and I have only looked at websites, but even looking at pictures of the infant rooms on websites gave me a pit in my stomach. I know that the transition back to work will be difficult for me. So ideally I’d like to have four weeks with me at work without the baby at daycare: 2 weeks with the hubs, 1 week with my mom, and 1 week with my mother-in-law. I haven’t asked my MIL yet, but I know she’ll say yes, actually she would probably come for two weeks if we asked her, and she has a full-time job! And I assumed my mom would say yes – who wouldn’t say yes to taking care of their grandchild?

Since Mom asked me about maternity leave and the hubs taking time off from work, I told her what I would like and explained that I’m worried about how hard it will be to leave my child in daycare, and I asked her if she would come here for a week and take care of the baby to help with the transition. She laughed – loud, and for awhile. I told her that I knew that it was a lot to ask, and she can say no, but please think about it and let me know, because I would really appreciate it if she could help me. Then she said that she thinks that she’s going on a cruise around that time, maybe two cruises! I said, “Really, when is your cruise?” She replied that she wasn’t sure, it was sometime around November or December. I said, “Oh, well that’s good, because I’m talking about the end of January or early February.” And she stumbled for a bit, talked about planning on going to Utah to ski in January, so I let her off the hook and asked her to think about it. But I think I got my answer – she has no interest in coming here for a week to help me, or even for a weekend before the baby is here. She wants to continue our nice superficial relationship, but anytime I ask her to do something truly inconvenient, she won’t do it.

The worst part is she has said in the past that she wants to help me, and come to visit and help. She got upset because she found out my MIL came here (from Denver) to help us paint the house, and then another time my MIL came here to take me to my hysteroscopy appointment because my hubs couldn’t do it. She very pointedly said that she didn’t understand why I asked my MIL to come here for the appointment instead of her, and I blamed it on the hubs. But the real answer is I can’t rely on my mom. The hubs called his mom with about 3 days notice, asking her to take off work and fly here, and she didn’t hesitate at all – of course she would come, and this is why we asked her. But now, I’m asking my mom with seven months notice to come here for a week and take care of her grandchild when I go back to work, and it’s too much to ask. I just don’t get it.

One Year Ago

I woke up today, so tired. But somewhere in my fog, things started to change in the shower. As I was leaning over for my daily hot water massage on my lower back and stretch (backaches this early – ugh!), I started thinking about how lucky I am. The last few days, I’ve been more tired than normal, and the backaches are getting worse and worse, and I’ve been getting a little grumpy. But today I realized that it’s all so worth it – thank goodness I get the opportunity to have a sore back.

The last few weeks have seen some really low lows in the IF blogworld – losses beyond imagination. And some very high highs – births, and BFPs. Wonderful news. Also, in my personal life, my BFF found out last week that her second IVF resulted in a BFN, and now she won’t return my phone calls. I know she just needs time, but it’s still hard knowing she is hurting, and she won’t talk to me. All this makes me think about how many different paths there are, and how hard we are all trying to build our families, and some of us make it, and some of us don’t. I don’t know why some of us get our babies, and for some reason some of us never get a chance, or keep losing our babies. All I know is I’m so very grateful to have this chance. Yes, I fought really hard for this baby, and I continue to fight, but I know how fleeting this happiness can be. And I know how lucky I am to have this baby inside me. I’m starting the golden time of pregnancy – the small little flutters are starting in my lower belly (I think it’s movement – can’t really tell for sure), and I have an ultrasound where we will be able to find out the sex of the baby next week – I can’t wait! And suddenly today I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, happiness and peacefulness about my baby.

And then I got to work, and looked at the date: June 15. One year after going into the doctor at 8 ½ weeks, blissfully pregnant, excited to show my husband the heartbeat. And then realizing that there was no longer a heartbeat. I think back to that date, one year ago, and it seems like a lifetime has passed. What a long year it has been. I miss that little guy – so very much. But if I had that baby, I wouldn’t have the baby that is in my belly today. It’s so hard to think of one without the other. I’m not a big believer in “things happen for a reason.” This phrase would upset me to no end when people would tell me that after my ectopic last year, and then especially after my little one’s heartbeat stopped. I think it fed into my fear about not being able to have kids because I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. But today, I really wish I didn’t have to go through what I did last year, and I really wish we had that baby we lost, but I feel like a different person today after going through it all. I believe that all the heartache, all the tears I shed, it all shaped me into the woman I am today. One that is so incredibly grateful for the baby I currently hold inside me today.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I’ve been good. I’ve been positive, planning for the future, expecting the baby to come, not obsessing, not reading the loss stories on the internet, expecting my baby to come. Sure, I may use the Doppler occasionally, but I’ll only do it if I have time to deal with the bad consequences. Is it weird that I won’t do it in the morning before I go to work, or if I have something planned that day? Sure, I always have a plan when going to appointments – who to call, where I’ll go, what to do – if the appointment is bad. I know this sounds morbid, but overall I’ve been positive, really!

Last week I went into the doc for some blood work – the second part of the screening, I think it’s called the integrated screening. The first part came back at around 12 weeks, and it was great. I have very low risk for 3 trisomy issues, including Downs. I almost forgot about this second part, but it’s amazing how quickly I can get scared. Someone was in my office this morning talking about something important, and my cell phone rang. I immediately turned it off, and it wasn’t until I turned it off that I realized the call was from my doctor. I continued to talk to the person in my office for another 10 minutes, and I could barely pay attention. He kept asking me questions, and I think I answered, but I was in a complete terror. What if this is how I find out that there’s something wrong? As soon as the person left my office, I checked my voice mail and there was a message from the nurse to call her. She didn’t sound upset, but maybe she always sounds like that! I called her back, and of course got her voice mail. For the next two hours, I didn’t go anywhere without my cell, wondering what the results would be.

The results were fine. They screened for open neural tube defects, and for women over 35, the chance is 1:300. Based on all my blood work, I have a 1:2,886 chance, so this is great. There was no reason to worry, and everything is fine. What a relief! But why do I immediately jump to the conclusion that something must be wrong with my baby? There are no indications that anything could be wrong. I’ve had a relatively good pregnancy so far – some symptoms, a little spotting but not much, a subchorionic hematoma that went away, but nothing huge. I have absolutely NO reason to think that anything will go wrong! And yet… I worry. I know this is normal, that most pregnant women do this, and those of us that are infertile and have losses in our past are even worse. That all of the research that I’ve done over the last few years only increases my worry, as I know all the things that can go wrong. But I wish I could simply relax and not worry. I don’t know that I ever will. From now on, even after the baby is born (healthy!!! Please!), I will worry, and I have to simply get used to this way of life. But it’s hard, it’s so very hard, when I discover that all I’m doing is waiting for something to go wrong.

It's My Birthday!

It's my birthday - today I turn 36 years old. And it sounds old, doesn't it? Oh well, it's just a number. But it sounds so...adult! Overall, I'm fine with my birthday, and turning 36 - it's just another number, but it's my last year in my mid-30's... It makes me think though, would I be reacting differently if I wasn't pregnant? And the answer is definitely yes.

So I'm incredibly grateful to be pregnant - 17 weeks today - on my birthday. We're having a relaxing time, slept in, went to lunch, and then we'll go out to dinner with some friends. Hopefully my last kid-free birthday in a very long time!