Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Thank Goodness for Blogging!

As you might recall, I posted last week about more tests my doc wanted to run for a miscarriage panel. And Kristi commented telling me about her immunological testing, and suggested getting tested for Natural Killer Cells. In my fertility history and blog reading, I remember hearing about them, but the only thing I knew is they sound evil – like Natural Born Killers. So I started researching…

Very soon after I started thinking there was something wrong with me fertility-wise, I figured out that a fertility specialist is a reproductive endocrinologist. But in the last few days, I figured out there’s another specialist called reproductive immunologist. And there’s a whole medical field out there called reproductive immunology! I don’t know why this fascinates me so much – maybe everybody out there already knows this stuff, but I feel like I’ve just found a whole set of things that could be wrong with me, and now I have to figure it all out! It can affect people getting pregnant at all, can cause miscarriage, and can even cause ectopic pregnancies. And the best part is there are drugs to take that I can fix it!!!

I know, I’m jumping the gun assuming something is wrong, but I’m just so excited to learn all of this. So after all this research, I came up with a few more tests that I’d like done. I was concerned that my regular old RE wouldn’t order these tests, but after going back and forth a few times between his nurse, I finally have the lab codes and proof that he has ordered the tests. Seriously – just because I asked!!! I love this doctor – he may not be a reproductive immunologist, but it seems like he’ll test anything I ask for – amazing. Now my only worry is that the lab won’t do it in the right way. Based on my reading, it appears there are only certain labs in the country that will test for these things in a specific enough manner that will detect problems… (OK, for all you medically inclined people out there, you have to forgive my ignorance – obviously I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m an accountant – give me some debits & credits and we can talk, but lipids and labs??? WTF?) But I’m on my way to the lab this afternoon to give a lot of blood, and see what happens with these tests. The three tests I’ve added to the order are:

Natural Killer Cells
Antiphospholipid antibodies
Indirect antisperm antibodies

For those of you that have gone through this stuff before, is there any kind of resource that will help me understand this stuff? I ordered a book by Dr. Alan Beer, Is Your Body Baby-Friendly, that is supposed to explain the immunology aspect of fertility. Any other suggestions???

By the way, the absolute BEST thing about a blog (you know, besides the emotional support which is truly the best thing about blogs) is helping each other out with information. Anytime we can help a fellow IFer eliminate the “I didn’t know” factor, we’re doing our part!!! Thanks to all of you!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I’m back on the TTC bus. 5 ½ weeks after the D&C, I got my period. Not too long, based on what I’ve heard from others. It’s nice to feel like my body figured it out. And without taking too long. I’m definitely crampy and it’s super heavy, but I’m past the miscarriage. We’re doing the miscarriage testing, and I know it will take awhile to get the results back, but we’re still going to try naturally the next couple of months. It hasn’t worked ever before, I don’t know why it would this time, but we may as well try, right? I’m going to break out my thermometer, and start temping tomorrow… And maybe throw an OPK or two in the mix as well. I opened my handy iphone app on Saturday to log in the first day of my period, and it said “101 days since your last period.” So sad…

In other news, guess who sat in the front row at Lady Gaga last night!!! It’s a terrible picture, but here I am – fake eyelashes and horrible wig and all!!! So fun!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Who is this man?

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a rough few weeks with the hubs. The guy doesn’t talk – he doesn’t like to share his feelings or anything. We’ve been better the last week or so, but we still haven’t talked, and honestly I wasn’t expecting to talk. Until last night. We went out for happy hour with some friends after work, but came home around 7:30 o take care of the dogs, and we ended up drinking and talking outside on the deck until about 11:00. It was amazing, we talked about everything. Granted there was some liquid lubricant on our words, but it was really nice to hear his thoughts. It started when he got terrible news about a friend of his. This man is his grandmother’s boss, but he’s been in the hubs’ life forever – his grandmother started working for him before hubs was born, and she still does (she’s 91 – most amazing woman ever!). This guy has been the hubs’ mentor, a father figure, even a boss for a few years there. Well he is sick – they’re not sure if he had a stroke, but he’s in the hospital, but hopefully going home soon. He lives in Denver, and we’re in Houston, and the hubs is trying to figure out when he can go up there to see him.

We started talking about how crappy this summer has been. With everything that has happened with us and the baby, and our friend with breast cancer, and our friend with a heart attack, and my friend who just lost her baby, and now his friend is sick. How much more can we seriously handle? The conversation wasn’t exactly sad – it jumped around a lot. We talked a lot about his work, which is his favorite topic. But here are the other things we discussed:

• He talked about the miscarriage. He mentioned the email I sent him before the appointment when we discovered our baby had no heartbeat. I said in the email: “You haven’t been able to see or hear the heartbeat yet, and I really want you to see it.” He told me last night that it breaks his heart every time he reads it, and he hasn’t been able to delete the email yet. I told him I was sorry that he never got to see the heartbeat, and he said that he was really looking forward to it – that’s why he came to the appointment, but what if he hadn’t been there for me during that ultrasound? I’m tearing up now writing this. I thanked him for sharing this with me – it gives me an indication of the grief that he feels.

• He mentioned a woman at work had a 30th birthday, and she said “I’m 30, and I have accomplished everything I wanted to – I had a baby!” Both me and hubs said “Bitch!” at the same time. I learned my hubs is also jealous and bitter! So nice to be on the same page!

• He said he read a few posts on my blog. I have to admit that the first few months that I had this blog, I hid it from him. Or I didn’t tell him about it. I don’t know why – I was embarrassed. He has made fun of bloggers, he said he thought it was stupid. But about a month ago I told him I told him I had a blog, but I didn’t tell him the website address. Again, I was embarrassed – plus I don’t exactly hold back here, I treat it like a journal. But I had it open on our main computer one day and left to run an errand or something, and he saw it. He told me last night that he read a few posts, and he thought it was good. He was impressed with how honest it was, and he even said it was well written, which surprised him – and me! He said he thought it’s a good outlet for me, and he’s glad I have it. Amazing.

• We talked about all the different alternatives with treatments and our preferences about biology and processes for children. He said that his preference is, in order: his sperm, my egg, carried by me, whether that’s through IUI or IVF; his sperm, egg donor, carried by me; his sperm, my egg, surrogate; and then adoption. I asked him if he’d be ok with a sperm donor, but he’s so proud of his sperm counts that he can’t comprehend why we couldn’t use his sperm. I don’t particularly like the idea of a surrogate for us, but he would be fine with it. It’s important for both of us to have a biological connection with our children, but I think he feels more strongly about it than I do. I know we’re still on the early part of the treatment path, as IUI’s seem to work, but I’ve always wanted to hear his opinion about what we’ll do on this path, and he finally shared his thoughts. I also asked him if he thought being childless was an option, and he said no. But he said that it’s mainly because he didn’t think it was an option for me more than him. And he’s right. It’s not an option – at least not for a long time. Throughout all this conversation about alternative treatments, he kept saying, “I could always go hump a bunch of woman. I’m willing to take one for the team!” Thanks buddy! So funny…

• Finally after a lot of liquid courage, I asked him if he thought I was going to be a good mother. He sighed, and said yes. I asked him why he said otherwise before, and he said he didn’t like it when I don’t constantly watch the puppy – you have to constantly watch a baby! I said that we’ll be the very best parents we can, but we’re human and sometimes things happen. All over the world, kids fall and hurt themselves or get into trouble when parents aren’t watching, but kids usually are ok. I said we’ll do our best, and he said ok. At some point in the middle of the night last night, I couldn’t sleep, and I suddenly remembered a story about the hubs childhood, and I asked him about it this morning. When he was about 3, his grandmother was supposed to be watching him, but didn’t. He was walking on a retaining wall outside, and fell down and hit his head, and was in a coma for a few weeks. Obviously he turned out fine, but I’m sure that story stuck with him. I asked him if that’s why he was so concerned about parents watching their kids, and he said yes. And he thinks it’s generally a good practice! I agreed with him – it is a good practice, and I promised to do my best. No wonder why he got upset when he doesn’t think I’m watching the puppy – it all makes sense to me now.

I’m so happy we had this conversation. It’s so good to hear his thoughts and feelings about what we’re doing. It would be great if we could have this kind of talk when we’re sober, but it’s a huge step. And the best part of last night’s conversation is it was very easy! A big part of that is I never got upset. I tried to allow him to say whatever he needed, and I just let him talk without judgment. I only teared up once, when he told me about the email that he keeps in his inbox, but that’s it – my tears never help our conversations. I feel like we’re completely on the same page again, and ready to go forward in our journey together. We’re part of the same team again, which is amazing.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

More Tests

I went to the RE yesterday for a WTF after miscarriage appointment, and it went surprisingly well. I was truly expecting that given I’ve had 2 IUIs with injections, and both of them worked, but one ended in an ectopic, and one ended in a miscarriage, that he was going to say to just try IUIs again. And he did. BUT he said that we should do a miscarriage panel, to rule anything out before I get pregnant again. I was so happy to have him take my one miscarriage seriously. He said most doctors will wait until people have at least 2 miscarriages before they will do all this testing, but he said he didn’t want us to go through that grief if we didn’t have to – thanks doc! So here’s the list of tests that I’m going to have – all blood tests:

ANA w/Reflex if Positive
Anticardiolip Ab, IgA/G/M, Qn
Chromosome, Blood, Routine
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Fibrinogen Antigen
Homocyst(e)ine, Plasma
Lupus Anticoagulant Comprehens
Protein C-Functional
Protein S-Functional
Prothrombin Time (PT)

And a chromosome, blood, routine for the hubs. I think there are other tests that are part of the “miscarriage panel” but I had them done as part of the “treatment panel” so I don’t need to repeat them. I’ve spent the last hour on the phone with the insurance company and the lab company, getting procedure codes, and confirming that these are all covered by insurance, and it is, or at least 90% of it is. So I expect to pay $450 for these tests, which will max my deduction of $1,000 per year. Plus $80 for the hubs’ test, which is 10% of the total price. Not too bad when you consider what else we’ve paid!

Then I also talked with the RE about genetic testing after a miscarriage. As a reminder, the doctor and nurse at the RE office said there was no heartbeat, and then told me my options. I was such a wreck, and was not thinking clearly. I didn’t ask them about genetic testing. And then, a friend of mine suggested I go to my regular OB to confirm there was no heartbeat and talk through options. I did, and my OB was great, but when I asked about genetic testing, he said it was usually inconclusive and he didn’t do them, and didn’t recommend it and therefore doesn’t do it. He did the D&C, and we didn’t have genetic testing. I asked my RE about that yesterday, and he said that if they would have done the D&C, they definitely would have done genetic testing, and he wished we would have had that done. He said that it is inconclusive about 1/3 of the time, because it gets the tissue of the mother instead of the baby, but if they can get some answers about 2/3 of the time, then it’s worth it. He said most regular doctors don’t do it because it’s not usually covered by insurance, and it costs about $1K, but with us fertility patients, we’re used to paying out of pocket, and what’s another $1K if it gives you answers? Seriously, after what we’ve spent (see earlier post), and what we’re going to spend I’m sure, I’d love to have some answers. So I regret not having the testing done, and not pushing it with my doctor more. There’s nothing I can do about it now, but I told the hubs that if we’re ever in that situation again, that he needs to force the issue, and make it happen! He said ok. Plus now that I have the information, I think I’ll be able to be stronger about it. I see my regular OB next week for my post-op appointment (huh, just realized that will be 6 weeks post-D&C - I wonder when I’ll get my period) and I’m not sure if I’ll mention it to him or not. I really like him, and he normally deals with regular old fertile patients, I’m sure, but he should at least allow the option to do testing, particularly if the patient requests it! Sure, tell me the risks of inconclusive testing, and tell me the cost, but allow me the choice, right?

I can’t dwell on the genetic testing thing – I’m just happy to be trying something new. We’re at least seeing if there’s anything wrong, and then treat for it. It takes about 4-6 weeks to get the results of the tests, but that’s ok. We’re not going to do treatments again until October anyway, so that will be fine. Is it strange that I’m hoping that I have something wrong with me???

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Friend M

I have a friend, we'll call her M, who lives in Switzerland. I’ve known her from probably about 12 years, and we’ve been friends ever since working long hours together – seems like ages ago. She left the US about 8 years ago, but we’ve remained friends. We rarely see each other, but we’re pretty good on email. I’m planning on seeing her in September when we go to Europe. We were going to stop and stay with her for a couple days. Occasionally she gets some great international calling cards, and we talk for an hour on the phone. The last time was in March. I told her about my TTC and treatments stuff, and she told me about her life. She and her boyfriend had decided that they want to do three things in the next year – get married, buy a house, and have a baby, and not necessarily in that order. They decided they only have the money to do two things, so they’re going to have a baby and buy a house. I told her that I had been trying, and was going to continue to try as well, so hopefully we would be pregnant the same time.

In early June, I received a mass email from her boyfriend – they were pregnant! She was 3 months along, and they were so happy to send out an announcement email. They showed a picture of her, and she already had a fairly large bump, at least for 3 months! I responded to her email, saying congratulations, and letting her know that I was pregnant too. I was about 1 ½ months behind her. We started chatting about how fun it was going to be when I was there in September – she was going to be 6 ½ months, I was going to be 5 months, we’re pregnant together! We made plans to talk to each other on the phone the weekend of her birthday, which was in a few weeks.

A few days before her birthday, I lost my baby. I was supposed to talk to her that weekend, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t talk with a pregnant woman, I didn’t want to be negative with her, and also I couldn’t stand talking to her and trying to be happy for her. I sent her a text postponing our call, and then a few weeks later I told her via email. She responded very well, very nice. I was still planning on seeing her in September, but I knew it would be sad. I was afraid to see her and her big belly.

And then I had a bad feeling a couple weeks ago. I hadn’t heard from her in awhile. I sent her a text, asking how she was doing, and she responded saying she was in the hospital on bed rest – her amniotic fluid was low. She stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and it was looking better, but on Thursday, it started decreasing. They did everything they could, but her doctor told her that the baby wasn’t viable, and it’s starting to affect M’s health, and so they made the decision today that they have to terminate her pregnancy. I found this out this morning.

I’m devastated for her. She was so excited to have this baby. I don’t think it took her very long to get pregnant, and everything was going so very well for her pregnancy. And now this. She was almost 5 months.

Of course it made me think of my future pregnancy – assuming of course that there will be one. How in the world do people comfortable in pregnancy? I was reading the message boards on the SIRM website yesterday, and someone asked about her miscarriage risk at almost 9 weeks – the doctor said she would be fine – there’s very little miscarriage risk at that point. BULLSHIT!!!!! I got so angry at the computer, at that doctor, even at that woman for now thinking she was ok, and safe from miscarriage. Nobody is. I don’t know how all those women out there walk around all pregnant and happy, thinking they’re free from risk. You just never know – it could happen at any time. Part of me thinks that I’m too aware of all the losses from hanging out here in bloggy land, but now, an IRL friend, who was having a perfectly healthy and happy pregnancy, who didn’t even have problems getting pregnant, lost her baby at almost 5 months!!! If she can’t do it, what kind of hope should I have?

I’m going to my RE this afternoon, for a now-what kind of appointment, and I don’t even know why. Yes, I want a baby, more than anything in the whole world, but I can’t imagine being pregnant and knowing that at any moment, I could lose it.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Money and Other Stuff

I did it. I've been putting off this task for awhile, but I finally sat down and opened all my mail that has been accumulating since the miscarriage, paid my bills and updated my spreadsheet that totals our medical expenses for 2010, as it looks like we'll be able to deduct medical expenses for taxes for the first time.

The grand total to date for my TTC journey:
Doctors, procedures: $4,345.12
Medications: $2,845.36
Alternative (Acupuncture, herbs): $1,465.00
Total: $8,655.48

This makes me ill. Most of this we've spent since January - in six months, we spent almost $9K, and we have nothing to show for it. I know other ladies out there have spent much more, but that also pisses me off! We're still at step 1 - no baby. Yes, we're a little more knowledgeable, but we're also more jaded and bitter... What a great way to spend our money. And it's not even over. We're still at the beginning.

It's been a tough week. The hubs and I still haven't really talked through things. They're better, but not great. I can definitely tell that it's been three weeks since I've talked with my therapist. She had back surgery, so she hasn't been available, but I go back to see her tomorrow - thank goodness. Also, I went to the doctor on Thursday and found out I sprained my ankle and have tendonitis. I have to wear a boot that immobilizes my ankle for about three weeks. And ice it at least 5-6 times per day, and take anti-inflammatory meds.

I didn't go to the RE this week - rescheduled for next week - as my friend with breast cancer started losing her hair from the chemo and wanted me to go with her to wig shopping. We went to the best place - they really cater to chemo patients and others with medical problems. The owner has male-pattern baldness, so she started losing her hair when she was about 30. She went through an awful experience with wigs, so she decided to open up her own shop and treat people well. It was amazing. They shaved my friend's hair for her, it was part of the wig price, which was actually really fun. We took pictures when she only had a mohawk - really fun to see a 52 year old with cancer playing around with a mohawk! But it was tough. I try to be real positive for her, but then I get to my car and cry. It's just terrible.

And then my dog Jackson has a cyst on his back that ruptured and is infected. It has been there for about 2 years, but the vet told us not to get it removed 2 years ago, as it wasn't hurting anything. Now they are saying it is infected, they definitely have to remove it via surgery, and it might be a cancerous tumor - they have to do a biopsy to tell for sure. I really hope it's not - I don't know that I can handle that on top of everything.

I really hope this upcoming week is better. I see my therapist tomorrow, which should help. But I have to take Jackson to the vet for a biopsy and then later surgery. And I'm taking the foster puppy to get spayed on Thursday, and then Petsmart on Saturday to hopefully get adopted. I really hope she gets adopted soon - she's been really fun, but I have so much stuff going on, it's starting to be too much. And I go to the RE on Wednesday for a consult - follow-up on the miscarriage. All while hobbling around on my ankle with a boot! AND this is a very busy week at work - the auditors are coming for our quarterly review. I really want to start feeling better in my head - feeling very depressed. I'm functioning pretty well, but everything makes me so incredibly tired. And I always feel like the tears are about to come.

Monday, July 12, 2010

All Kinds of Things

Be warned - this is a jump-around, all over the board kind of post...

First, thank you so much for you wonderful and helpful comments about Friday’s post. It’s so good to hear that I’m not alone regarding having problems with the hubs, especially in the bedroom… Yes, the hubs and I have a lot to work through. I’ve tried to learn from my previous experiences, and I realize that he’s never going to be the guy to sit down with me and hash through stuff. This one took awhile to get over, but I think we’re good now. I’m proud of myself for finally saying what I needed to. Saturday night after dinner, we were watching TV, and I asked him to pause it. I said the following: “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I think it’s very important for us to talk. Maybe it would help if you understood where I’m coming from. I’m having a crisis of confidence. I feel like my body doesn’t work. We tried to get pregnant, and my body refused. Then by using medical techniques, we essentially forced it to get pregnant. But it didn’t work. My body rejected two babies. Now I don’t feel good about myself, I’ve gained weight, and so I tried to exercise. And then I hurt my ankle and knee, and now I can’t walk without hurting. I don’t feel good sexually, I’m trying to get that part of my life back, and then you rejected me. It hurts more than it would normally when you say no to me. Because of all this, I’m incredibly sensitive, and worried about our relationship. Also, when you say things like I would make a bad mother, I think you are saying stuff out of anger and you don’t mean it, but it really hurts me, in a terrible way. I know you’re probably going through a lot right now too, and trying to figure all this stuff out too, but I don’t know because you won’t talk to me. I hope it helps to understand where I’m coming from.” I paused, and then told him he could watch TV again. He didn’t say a word, and went on watching TV. BUT on Sunday, he was nice. He was sweet to me. We went to friends to watch the soccer game (go Spain!) and he even cuddled on the couch a bit, which is rare for him. And then when we got home, he attacked me and we had sex for the first time since April! And it was good!

So we have a lot to work through. I know this. But I can’t make him do anything – I especially can’t make him talk to me. But I can share my own thoughts, and I think this helps. He acted like a completely different person yesterday than he had in the days before. My therapist thinks that the more I share, the more he will think that it’s ok to share things, and I’m helping to create an environment that where it is safe to share feelings. She also has me reading a book about adult children of alcoholics. His mother is a practicing alcoholic, and I know she drank through much of his childhood. It’s a scary book though. I read through most of it this weekend, and I see myself more in the behavior that it describes than I see him. I definitely had an f’ed up childhood as well. Probably worse than the hubs, when you include all of it, but it’s not a competition or anything. But hopefully through reading it, and talking over what I think about it with my therapist, it will help.

In other news, I’m officially a foster mom – to a puppy. As I mentioned last week, we took in a pup for one night, and it was supposed to go to a no-kill shelter. Yeah, there’s no such thing. Or at least not in Houston. A woman that the hubs works with took the pup to the shelter with the promise that it was a no-kill shelter, and then I found out just as she got to the shelter that they only have a 47% adoption rate – and that’s one of the better rates! So I frantically called this woman, and made sure she asked lots of questions. The shelter said that the pup would be killed within 3 days, and they didn’t even think they would put her as available for adoption, given the number of dogs they had recently received! And so, I made the executive decision that we would figure something else out, and I asked the woman to not drop off the pup at the shelter, and bring her back to me. I found a program that allows you to be a foster home, and will help find a home, so I registered with them, and we’re now officially foster parents!

So if anyone in the Houston area is looking for a pup, here she is. She’s about 5 months old – a shepherd mix, and really sweet and smart. We taught her how to fetch in about 10 minutes. She is crate-trained, and really likes other dogs! But the hubs and I have agreed, we shouldn’t keep her. Three dogs, especially when 2 of them are 120 pounds each, is just too much dog. But it’s been fun keeping her – I wonder how long this will last… In the meantime, it’s a pretty good distraction – I forgot how much work a puppy is!

And this is an awful way to jump around, but I have a ton of stuff going on in my head. I mentioned last week that I had a friend that recently was diagnosed with breast cancer, and another that had a heart attack. The one that had a heart attack is doing much better – she actually came to work today, which is amazing. She looks and feels so much better than she did before her heart attack. She just wasn’t getting appropriate blood flow before they went in there and opened up her veins! So bizarre. The friend with breast cancer received the worst news last week – the biopsy in her vertebrae confirmed that it was breast cancer in her bones – it has metastasized, and so it’s officially Stage 4. Ugh. She still has an amazing spirit. She cancelled our wig appointment on Saturday because she wanted to go to a party – she wants to make sure she spends as much time as she can with all her friends. So we’re supposed to go wig shopping later this week. She has had two chemo treatments, but she still feels great. But the chemo mix changes this week, so there’s a chance she would feel worse after that. I know I just need to be as good friend to her as possible, but it’s so hard staying positive!

As I briefly mentioned above, my running program was going really well, I had made it to 2 ½ weeks through the Couch to 5K program, and I hurt myself. My ankle started hurting 2 weeks ago, and it’s getting worse. I can barely walk now. Also, my right knee hurts too! I’m so pissed that this happened – I was so proud of myself for going out there and doing this running program. I finally broke down today and made an appointment with an orthopedist for Thursday – this just hurts way too bad, and it’s not going away.

Speaking of doctors, I’m going back to the RE on Wednesday, just for a follow-up appointment. I don’t want to start treatments until after our Europe trip in September, but I wanted to see if he had any thoughts about why this happened, and if there are any tests that we could do to decrease my chances of a miscarriage later. I’m afraid he’s just going to say to keep trying, but I want to do SOMETHING!!! So ladies, any thoughts about questions I should ask, or tests to ask to have done, or medications I should take or something?

Friday, July 9, 2010


First, thanks to all of you who helped me yesterday. I really appreciate your thoughts, and I had decided to throw caution to the wind, just go for it, and jump the hubs.

Yeah, that didn’t work. You know that phrase “He’s just not that into you”? All the signs are there, number one being he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I tried when I got home last night, and he pushed me away, saying maybe later. And then I tried when we went to bed. I actually got a “it’s not you, it’s me” comment! Maybe it is, maybe he doesn’t feel good and blah blah blah. But it’s a bigger issue than just last night. When we first started out, everything was hot and passionate. I remember telling a girlfriend, “Best. Sex. Ever!” And as can be expected, it’s died down over the years. But nothing like it’s been in the last year plus since we started trying. It’s been absolutely terrible. He never initiates, I try to initiate during other times than ovulation time, but it’s during O time that I have been known to resort to begging. So humiliating and embarrassing. And the other thing is since I was essentially begging, it became all about his pleasure, and not really about mine. I’ve been on the receiving end of foreplay maybe 3 times during our married life (since last May), and I’m talking any kind of foreplay! But when we started IUI land, it got better. Sex became less about procreation, and more about pleasure, but still his pleasure more than mine. Granted we did the deed a lot less, but when we did, it was better. So prior to the pregnancy, the last time we had sex was mid-April. After the IUI, I was restricted, and I hadn’t been released from restrictions when I miscarried. I had 2 weeks of restrictions after that, during which time I bled so it wasn’t going to happen anyway. And then we tried to have sex on Saturday. I initiated, did my part of turning him on (bj…) and then we started. I was not turned on, it felt awful, I was so frustrated, I actually started crying in the middle of it and we stopped. I apologized for crying, and said that it might help if we had a little foreplay before – I needed help getting turned on. He mumbled “ok” and went on about his life, but nothing happened since Saturday.

Then fast forward to yesterday. I’ve been feeling super frisky the last couple days, which was then confirmed by gobs of EWCM. I posted on my blog – should I do it? Got some yes answers, and made some plans. Thought about it all day, so by the time I got home, I didn’t even need any foreplay – I was ready! And then I was shot down – twice! This makes me feel like shit. There’s something about being a woman, and feeling rejected, that doesn’t work. I’m friends with some guys at work that talk about sex all the time, and I’ve had other friends the same way. They always talk about how women say no, and one guy at work gets sex on his birthday and their anniversary, and that’s it. I always stay quiet – I think it’s probably inappropriate for me to talk about my sex life with anyone (why I’m coming out to my bloggy friends – I don’t know!) but it makes me think. Am I the only woman who can’t get their husband to sleep with them - ever? I know there have been some bloggy people that have mentioned the same thing, especially while TTC, but the hubs didn’t know I was TTC last night - didn’t even tell him that I thought it was time. All he knew is that I was horny, and he wasn’t interested. Late last night, when I was falling asleep, I was in a really bad place – my body doesn’t work, it can’t make babies AND I can’t even entice my husband to sleep with me. Not feeling very good as a woman.

So then this morning – I woke up feeling like crap, didn’t sleep well at all. And I was awoken by the bark of a puppy. We are watching a puppy that someone that the hubs works with found. The puppy is going to a no-kill shelter today, but nobody could take her until today. So the hubs volunteered us to take care of her for a few days. Keep in mind – the hubs volunteered. Who do you think has taken care of her since we’ve had her? That’s right – me. I’ve fed her, walked her, tried to teach her stuff, came home at lunch to take care of her, scrubbed the carpets when she has messes – she’s not housebroken. And this morning when she started barking at 6:00, I got up with her and stayed up. Two hours later, I’m about to leave for work, the hubs is still in bed, and I didn’t watch her for about 2 minutes while I put on my clothes. Of course she pees on the carpet right next to the bed. All of a sudden I hear him yelling at me about the puppy. About how I’m not watching her, and I let her pee. Stupidly, I start yelling back about how he should clean it up – he should help take care of this dog that he volunteered us for, and he just fights back. I take the dog out, start cleaning the carpet, and he’s yelling. He even said the worst thing he could: “That’s how you’re going to be with a baby. You only want a baby so you can play with it, you won’t take care of it.” I didn’t respond well. I left by saying “Sorry for the bad things I said.” He had no response, and so I left. I feel like shit. I know I said some nasty things – I think the words asshole, jerk and selfish came out of my mouth. But I would never insult him as a potential father – what a low blow.

Please understand this is all coming from an extremely bitter place this morning, and I can’t really believe that I’m sharing this with all of you. I’m sure it will all turn out fine – I’ll swallow my pride and move on. He won’t apologize for anything –why would he? I’ve allowed him to be this way in the past, and I’ll probably allow it in the future. I don’t make him talk about stuff; I couldn’t make him if I tried. He absolutely refuses to go to a therapist. I’ve known for a long time that he’s incredibly selfish, and this is just who he is. I made the choice to be with him. He has a lot of great qualities – granted, it’s hard for me to focus on that right now… The only thing I can have any control over is my reaction. And so I need to let it go, stop being angry, and just move on. I know the things he says are in anger, and he doesn’t really mean them. Or at least I hope that’s true. No, it’s true. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m sure everything will work out just fine. Assuming of course that one of us breaks our silence today…

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Is it safe?

I need help from my bloggy friends. I've done some googling, and can't really find a definitive answer. I don't really feel like calling my doc, although I guess I could. But I'd rather ask you lovelies!

It's been 3 weeks and a day since my D&C. I haven't bled since Friday, so almost a week. And I just went to the bathroom and saw a ton of EWCM - like boatloads! Back in my natural TTC days, I never got that much. A few months before I started treatments, I took evening primrose oil prior to ovulation, and that helped a bit. But even with EPO, I never saw EWCM like this. So my question is, should I try something with the hubby tonight? Is it too early? I seem to remember people saying that fertility increases after a m/c and after a D&C, but should I wait until I get a period? I know there's some emotional reasons for waiting a month, but what about physical? Is it safe to get pregnant so soon after a m/c?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


It’s been awhile since my last post. I just haven’t felt like blogging much. I’ve been trying to get some semblance of a life back, and trying to keep my infertile life in perspective.

Today I finally cancelled my doctor’s appointment that was scheduled for tomorrow. It was supposed to be my 12 week checkup, with an NT scan and everything. I was going to be 12 weeks on Friday. I kept looking at this appointment on my calendar, and couldn’t pick up the phone to cancel it. I kind of wanted the reminder. My baby was going to be 12 weeks old this week…

I’ve had some horrible events that have certainly given me some perspective. One of our friends was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. She went in for a routine mammogram, and they found a 5 cm tumor. It wasn’t in her lymph nodes, or blood, but they found a spot of cancer on her vertebrae. Once they found that, it went from Stage 2 to Stage 4. They did a biopsy of her bone last Friday, and we’re waiting to hear the results. We’re hoping for bone cancer and not breast cancer in her bone, but it’s a small chance that it’s bone cancer. Hopefully she just happened to get bone cancer at the same time as breast cancer, and it’s not breast cancer that has spread to her bone. Because if it has metastasized, then it’s Stage 4. The chance of living 5 years after being diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer is only 20%. She just started doing chemo, and then the plan before they found cancer in her bone was to do a double mastectomy, but the doctor is now saying that it’s not worth it to remove the tumor. She’s fighting to do it, but it depends on how the chemo goes as to whether she will do surgery. Heartbreaking.

And I just found out this morning that one of my friends had a heart attack over the weekend. She’s fine now, but she went in the hospital Saturday morning after having chest and arm pains for a couple days. The entire bottom part of her heart was blocked. She had to have surgery on Saturday and they inserted some stints. So incredibly scary. And they’re thinking of releasing her from the hospital today! I really hope she stays in there for another day or two. I’ll go see her tonight – whether it’s at her home or the hospital.

So what I’ve learned from all this is it could be worse. I’m healthy and relatively happy (depends on the day…) and I have some really good things in my life. I need to be more grateful, and celebrate the good things. I’m trying to be happier, as I firmly believe that we can control our own happiness. I’m so inspired by my friend with breast cancer – she’s the most positive person I know. She has said that she could choose to sit in a corner at home and be sad for herself, or she could try to make the most of the time she has left. I called her today to see how she’s doing, and she asked me to go shopping for a wig with her this weekend. I need to make sure to stay positive for her, and try to make it fun. Because a big part of me wants to sit in a corner and be sad for her!