I’ve been good. I’ve been positive, planning for the future, expecting the baby to come, not obsessing, not reading the loss stories on the internet, expecting my baby to come. Sure, I may use the Doppler occasionally, but I’ll only do it if I have time to deal with the bad consequences. Is it weird that I won’t do it in the morning before I go to work, or if I have something planned that day? Sure, I always have a plan when going to appointments – who to call, where I’ll go, what to do – if the appointment is bad. I know this sounds morbid, but overall I’ve been positive, really!
Last week I went into the doc for some blood work – the second part of the screening, I think it’s called the integrated screening. The first part came back at around 12 weeks, and it was great. I have very low risk for 3 trisomy issues, including Downs. I almost forgot about this second part, but it’s amazing how quickly I can get scared. Someone was in my office this morning talking about something important, and my cell phone rang. I immediately turned it off, and it wasn’t until I turned it off that I realized the call was from my doctor. I continued to talk to the person in my office for another 10 minutes, and I could barely pay attention. He kept asking me questions, and I think I answered, but I was in a complete terror. What if this is how I find out that there’s something wrong? As soon as the person left my office, I checked my voice mail and there was a message from the nurse to call her. She didn’t sound upset, but maybe she always sounds like that! I called her back, and of course got her voice mail. For the next two hours, I didn’t go anywhere without my cell, wondering what the results would be.
The results were fine. They screened for open neural tube defects, and for women over 35, the chance is 1:300. Based on all my blood work, I have a 1:2,886 chance, so this is great. There was no reason to worry, and everything is fine. What a relief! But why do I immediately jump to the conclusion that something must be wrong with my baby? There are no indications that anything could be wrong. I’ve had a relatively good pregnancy so far – some symptoms, a little spotting but not much, a subchorionic hematoma that went away, but nothing huge. I have absolutely NO reason to think that anything will go wrong! And yet… I worry. I know this is normal, that most pregnant women do this, and those of us that are infertile and have losses in our past are even worse. That all of the research that I’ve done over the last few years only increases my worry, as I know all the things that can go wrong. But I wish I could simply relax and not worry. I don’t know that I ever will. From now on, even after the baby is born (healthy!!! Please!), I will worry, and I have to simply get used to this way of life. But it’s hard, it’s so very hard, when I discover that all I’m doing is waiting for something to go wrong.