Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Childbirth Class

Hubs and I took our first childbirth class last night. It is a 12 hour class, split into four nights over four weeks. It’s put on by the hospital where I’ll give birth, and includes a tour of the facilities, so that will be helpful. I didn’t really give Hubs an option to attend – I just told him he had to, and I’m glad we’re going. But I doubt we’ll use much of the info we’ll learn.

I would love to think that I won’t use drugs to give birth, but I doubt that will happen. In a perfect world, maybe I would try to have a natural birth, but I would have hired a doula and relied on someone other than Hubs to get me through it. But as we all know, we’re not in a perfect world. I’m taking Lovenox daily to decrease the risk that I’ll lose my baby, and therefore I don’t get to wait until the baby decides she’s ready to be born, as the instructor last night described as ideal. Instead I will go into the doctor’s office at 36 weeks, see what the ultrasound looks like, and then coordinate with my doctor my induction date sometime between 37 and 39 weeks. She will be born slightly early, the meds that I’m on will be strictly scheduled, and my body will be ripped from not-ready-for-labor to induction-by-meds-who-cares-if-you’re-body-is-ready very quickly. Based on what I’ve read, induction involves more intense contractions, IV’s and other medical interventions which will impair my abilities to move around, and an increased chance of C-section. And this is if everything goes according to plan!

And I’m ok with this. I’m ok with handing everything over to the doctor, and allowing him to direct my birth. Because all I care about is having my baby, and I want her to be healthy. I know this decreases my chances of breastfeeding going well because of the meds that will be in my body, and I know that it’s not ideal to deliver before 40 weeks if not necessary, but it’s ok. It’s ok, because it is necessary to make sure that I have this baby! I guess it’s your standard risk vs. reward analysis. Sure, in a perfect world, I might have planned something differently, but this is what I’m doing with the hand I’ve been dealt, and I’m focusing on the good part – the baby that I get at the end. Like I’ve said before, my birth plan consists of three points: in a hospital, healthy baby, healthy mommy. Everything else is just details.

The class last night does NOT agree with my plan – at all. It’s a certified Lamaze class even though it covers other areas, including meds. But its main focus is natural childbirth. Hubs kept leaning over to me last night, saying things are ridiculous, we’re never going to use this, this class is dumb, etc. But that’s ok. I actually had a really good time.

Hubs and I have not been connecting very well lately. We haven’t had fun in awhile together, and it’s starting to wear on our relationship. Prior to getting pregnant, we used to go out a lot with other people, and I don’t do this much anymore. Most of Hubs’ socializing involves bars and drinking. I really don’t mind going to most bars, as long as they’re not smoky, and I have made an effort to go with him for a lot of these outings, but it’s getting harder and harder to hang out with him. I’m not only physically uncomfortable just sitting in a chair for hours on end, but also I’m feeling a bit awkward being the big huge pregnant woman in the bar. It just seems odd! Not as odd as the baby in a bar, but still a bit weird, no? So I’ve cut most of this out of my life, but Hubs still meets our friends quite often – at least twice each week, sometimes more.

Last week we got into a fight on Thursday night when I made dinner for us (which is a huge feat – my back is usually very sore after working, so standing up in the kitchen to make dinner is miserable) and he didn’t call me until 7:45 to tell me that instead of coming home (even when I told him that morning that I was making dinner) he was going to a bar to watch football with some friends. He got a ride home (he had left his car at the bus stop, it’s not like he was drunk) with a friend at 10:00, and invited the friend in to hang out and drink more. I was reading in bed, so I asked him to come talk to me, and I told him that I was very upset that he didn’t come home that night. See, he had gone out Wednesday night with friends to the normal trivia night, and he was leaving for Colorado on Friday to go to a wedding (which I couldn’t go to because the wedding was in the mountains and my doc thinks that I shouldn’t fly and go to high altitudes now). So the only night that he would be around was Thursday, and I made dinner, and he went to the bar. I told him I was upset, and he told me I was unreasonable. He left on Friday, sent me a few texts over the weekend, and then came back Sunday. I tried to talk to him about it on Sunday, and he told me again that I was unreasonable. This didn’t get resolved, I could only drop it.

I’m sure this is common, but I worry about if it will be any different when Alex comes. He is rarely at home, and when he is, he’s on the computer playing some online game. I wonder if he will step up when he has a daughter. He’s been doing better lately – as he sees that I can’t do as much physically as I used to, he really is pitching in quite a bit. I told him that I wasn’t going to make dinner anymore, as it hurts too much and I can’t rely on him to come home, and he said ok. Monday night he came home and made grilled cheese sandwiches and soup – which was perfect. And he’s done a lot of other things. But my mind keeps going to the list of household projects that he starts and doesn’t complete (you should see my backyard – deck was removed, rock was ordered, and only partially placed – for the last few months, and Alex’s room has been partially painted for weeks). I’m trying to be patient, I really am, but he’s driving me nuts!

So last night at birth class was really good for us. Hubs says he was miserable and it was a waste of time, but we had a great time sitting in the back making snide comments about the instructor and what she was suggesting (Hubs told me that there’s no way I was going to lay down on the bed with my pants off and cough so he could watch to see if my amniotic fluid was dripping out!), or the other class members (you know you’re in Texas when a guy is asking if he can go hunting during his wife’s pregnancy – it’s duck season, and their deer lease is three hours away!). It was three hours when Hubs and I were on the same team again, having fun together, and acting like it was us against the world. Maybe we’re not getting as much as we can out of the class when Hubs keeps leaning over to me and whispering “Brainwashing!” But it made me laugh every time. We’re having fun together, which we really need. And that’s definitely worth it!

20 comments:

  1. Hearing about your hubs inconsiderate bahavior makes me upset for you. I'm sorry. I think the connection to our partners is so important. I felt so alone so many times, even though I know I am not, but this changing body is weird.

    Your birth plan sounds wonderful. Induction sounds like it is going to be at full term, so natural smatural. All that really matters is the healthy baby and healthy mommy. You are so 100 percent correct!

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  2. I totally hear you on the birth plan (mine is: go to hospital, get babies out of uterus alive and well, go home all together if possible), and I want to take child birth classes just so my husband goes to them!

    My husband really only "connects" to our babies when we pull out the Doppler, and even then he only likes to listen for a few minutes. It makes me feel bad sometimes, but then I think...he dealth with inferitility too, lost our first just like I did, guys cope weirdly, etc.

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  3. I'm so proud of you for being proud of your birth plan. The pressure to "conform" to a certain method or feel bad because you're planning on using meds is so intense. I always knew I would have an epidural...I'm such a big baby! I also knew that whatever my doctor wanted to do in delivery was fine---it was all about the end result. I had read enough to feel informed about all of the things that "might" happen etc so I would feel comfortable understanding why they did.

    Also--I was about ready to kill DH around the time in pregnancy that you are...there is just so much going on in your body that you don't have time/energy etc to pretend to put up with anything mildly rude (and on up). It'll get better :-)

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  4. I think it is a good idea to be flexible on your plan. Good luck. Seriously can't wait to see pictures.

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  5. I think that the whole point of childbirth class is to give you something to DO (that feels constructive or at least baby-centered) while you wait. Don't let the natural-childbirth proponents scare you. I had lots of drugs and a c-section, and Penelope started nursing no problem. Maybe I got lucky, but it shows that things CAN work out even with a heavily intervened birth.

    As for your husband-- there is just no way to predict how he will react to fatherhood based on his behavior now. He may become the most smitten, doting daddy on the planet, or he may stay more disconnected. Either way, the good news is that you won't really care what he's doing anymore, as long as he does his chores :).

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  6. Pregnancy is such a tough adjustment. I didn't have the issues of DH going out a lot, but I did really struggle with him not taking care of things and not being in any hurry to accomplish important things. And it is so hard, because you don't want to be a nag, but you can't do it either.
    My Dh has improved a ton as we have gotten closer to the due date. I hope the same is true for you!
    I am so glad you reconnected again during your classes!!!!

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  7. You were NOT being unreasonable. And that's all I'm sayin' about that!

    I had similar concerns prior to Bun Bun's birth. Would he step up? Would he be a devoted father? And I was amazed at the extent to which he did. I recommend the comments here if you're not already convinced you're not alone: http://glumbunny.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-do-partners-prepare-for-parenthood.html. Several other women said a switch seemed to be flipped after the birth. I can only hope the same is true for your man.

    I did give him a couple of what I called "bachelor nights" right before her birth. I told him to pretend he was single (um, not in the sense of running out and getting laid, though) and not about to be a father and just do whatever the F* he wanted. It was my way of emphasizing that everything was about to change big time!

    I think your attitude about the birth is rock star awesome. And while mine was just a little old c-section, I also had no problems with breastfeeding that would not have come up regardless of how she came out.

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  8. I saw an article this week saying men's testosterone levels plummet when there's a new baby. You can see it here - http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20105403-10391704.html

    Maybe that will do the trick for him!

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  9. I heard the same thing Annie mentioned above - interesting stuff! I'm sorry things have been a little off for you two, but what better bonding time than during a childbirth class?! :)

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  10. so excited for you getting closer!! much love to you.

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  11. Interestingly, our experiences with "childbirth, etc" classes have mostly been that they didn't say anything we didn't already know. I've done a lot of research while I was TTCing, and apparently I talked about it with Husband more than I thought I did and transmitted quite a bit of information that way! And you know my stance on birth choices (heh), I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I think sometimes women who don't have to work quite as hard as we did to get (and, for some, stay) pregnant don't always understand that "I'm just leaving it up to my doctor" is both a survival instinct and necessary, and not evidence of weakness.

    I think the end of pregnancy is hard on a marriage. We're both just sick of me being so uncomfortable and needy, no form of intimacy has happened in longer than I'd care to say, and the impending "life as you know it will end VERY, VERY SOON" is growing closer from the horizon...

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  12. So funny! Me and my husband would totally be in the back doing the same thing. It helps the time pass! With my son Darius, I never took any classes...and somehow it worked great. I had no expectations. I ended up delivering naturally, although I would have been fine either way (drugs probably would have been nice); but it was because it was fast. Total...maybe two hours from water breaking?!? Insane...I block that memory out entirely! ha. Good luck with things! It's great that you're looking at it realistically!

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  13. I think your hubby's excuse that you were being "unreasonable" was his excuse for being "selfish." And I'm so upset that he refuses to talk to you on the matter, but again, what else can he say but admit his selfish behavior? He doesn't have a leg to stand on, he knows it, and so, he just walks away. Personally, I would strangle the man, but hey, that's just my personality. ;p God bless you for having the patience to let it go. But, just know, I am soooo frustrated on your behalf. Gah! Going to kick something now...

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  14. I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time connecting right now with your hubs. Sometimes it seems that guys become completely clueless at the end of a pregnancy that their wives are actually physically changing. And that their lives are about to change. I hope he gets the idea soon.

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  15. Sorry that things are so rough with the hubs right now but maybe he's feeling left out of the whole pregnancy thing since he can't feel what you feel? Could be why the class helped? I think when he meets his little girl he's going to fall so hard he wont know what hit him!

    Also, don't know if you remember but I was also so scared of being induced but I was one of the lucky ones where it wasn't nearly as bad as everyone said it would be. Feel free to reach out to me if you have questions/concerns or just want to hear a positive induction story.... :)

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  16. I am glad the birthing class gave you an opportunity to reconnect with your hubby. Maybe his recent behavior is indicative of his fear about the massive change in lifestyle you are both about to experience. Despite wanting a baby for far too long there must be some fear of the unknown that accompanies all of the other emotions. Let him get it out now, in a short time he best not be going to bars!!!

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  17. yeah..those classes are sometimes pointless. Maybe you need to talk to your hubby about some of your fears?

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  18. Counting down, counting down, counting down.. ahhhhhhh!! YEAH!!!! In a perfect world I'd be a seahorse and Boyfriend would get stuck doing all the work, lol.

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  19. Well, I don't have any pregnancy experience or what things are like in the end with the husband...but I do know the first couple months with the baby are hard. And you guys need to be a team and he needs to be home everyday. He needs to do his half of the work. So...I feel like you should try and work that out now. It's so important to be on the same page going into this. He needs to know what's expected. Working this out after the baby comes means you are doing it while completely sleep deprived and emotions are high. It makes it 10x worse. You deserve support. *hugs*

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  20. I hope your hubby will have a change of heart once baby comes. Baby girl will rock his world and he will HAVE to step up.

    I never took birth classes and one of the OB's in my dr's practice kept telling me I really should do it. I didn't, my baby came out fine (although I had a c-section so no pushing was involved).

    You are getting closer every day!!

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