Friday, October 21, 2011

Graduation

Two years ago, I decided that I had tried to get pregnant naturally for long enough and needed professional assistance, and so I hired an RE to help me. At the same time, I decided that I had tried to manage my mental health on my own for long enough and needed professional assistance, and so I hired a therapist to help me. After about 18 months with the RE, I graduated from his care, but it was easy to tell when it was time – I had a baby in my ute that appeared to be viable. But it’s harder to tell when to graduate from a therapist.

I’ve been seeing B (my therapist) regularly for two years – weekly up until about three months ago, and then every other week. She’s been asking at the end of our sessions if I still want to keep going on, and I’ve always said yes. But last night she kicked me out – she said I don’t need to come back anymore! She had been hinting around it for awhile, and two weeks ago she asked if I wanted to do one more session, so I knew it was coming, but it was still weird walking out of there without an appointment scheduled. She said that I can come back for tune-ups, and I can come back after Alex is born if I think I’m having problems with depression, but she thinks that I now have all the tools that I need to deal with my life. Weird…

I’m a little nervous, being out here in the world without B behind me, helping me figure things out, asking me how I could have handled things differently. She’s a bit of a security blanket for me, and being without her is somewhat scary. I wonder if I really am ready to be without therapy. Because not everything is easy, there are still a lot of hard things that I deal with, and the thoughts that go through my head are not good!

But then I remember a couple nights ago when I was up at 3:00 am, and I couldn’t sleep. Baby Alex wasn’t moving, and my thoughts immediately started racing – what if she’s dead? When was the last time I felt her move? What if I’ve gone through all this and I won’t bring home a baby? But within just a few minutes, I was able to stop myself, and remind myself that the likelihood is very slim that I won’t be bringing home a baby, and that I just felt her move a few hours before, and everything was ok. And sure enough, I got up, drank a glass of milk, and little Alex started moving around.

I also remember a few weeks ago when I found out that my mother was not coming to see me, even though she said she promised to buy a plane ticket to come see me before Alex was born. In the past, I would have been very upset, but this time when she told me she was coming, I told her that I was very excited to see her, but I told myself that it was likely not going to happen. And I shouldn’t expect too much. And when she said that she was too busy to come, I told her I was disappointed, but I didn’t get upset. I didn’t even cry or anything, I just told myself that it was her loss, and it was ok. Sure, I wish my mom was different, but I can’t make her into someone she is not, I can only manage my own expectations, and choose to treat myself well when others don’t.

Maybe all these things mean that I really am ready to be on my own without B. The bad things will continue to happen, my mother will probably drive me nuts until one of us is gone, and my husband will frustrate me to no end after Alex is born, I'm sure! But maybe I know how to deal with this stuff better than I used to. I will probably always have awful thoughts go through my head, but the difference between now and two years ago is I used to allow them to stay, and I couldn't move on. Now I acknowledge the thoughts, and turn it around, bring it back to reality, so much quicker than I ever have before.

I know that I can go back to see B if I feel like I need to, but I feel ready to take on this next chapter in my life, motherhood, with all the tools she has given me. I’m so much stronger than I was two years ago, and I’m very proud of myself for continuing to go to her and talk through things in my life. Sure it would be easy to keep seeing her, but we all must grow up and move on to the next place in our lives, without our security blanket. I guess it’s now my time.

14 comments:

  1. Congratulations, Alex! I think you are a very strong and wise woman. Although you should see a therapist if/whenever you ever want to (and you can!), I am confident that you are ready to take on the awesome world of motherhood without B's help. I am so excited for you! And I am so pleased that you have accomplished your goals in therapy.

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  2. So proud of you! That is a huge accomplishment and I admire you for sticking with her and getting to a place where you feel ready to hit the road running. Just in time for that sweet baby of yours to be in your arms. You are a great mom for doing that and she's not even here yet!

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  3. Security blankets can be so hard to let go of, but it sounds like you are doing a good job of reminding yourself that you really can handle things on your own now. I hope things keep going well for you, even if "going well" sometimes just means handling the bad stuff without getting as upset as you used to. (((Hugs)))

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  4. Congrats on graduating from therapy! It seems like she could read you good and help you with what's best even if it's scary. And you know she is still there if you need her in the future.

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  5. Oh my friend, you are so ready. I'm really proud of you. You can still go back after the birth if you feel you need to, but for now you are fine and you have plenty to think about and plenty to do!

    I wanted to ask you if you wouldn't mind me adding your blog to a new blog I'm working on for Ectopic Pregnancy Ireland. I would love to gather bloggers who have experienced and ep as I'm sure it would be so so comforting to see that there is hope for others going through the same. Let me know!

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  6. I saw a therapist right before I got married (trying to deal with the death of my father years before) and I remember when she kindly told me that I didn't need to see her anymore. It was hurtful at first, but she was right (that's why they're the experts right?). They are trained to know when their job is 'complete.'

    Sounds like you have come a loooong way. So happy for you!

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  7. Woo hooo! I think it's great that you're going to practice some of the skills you've learned! And yeah, she'll be there if you need her again. (And I have to say, I stopped seeing a therapist about six months before I got pregnant, and have considered going back quite a few times since becoming a mother...)

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  8. I think that's an excellent place to be in! I'm proud of you!!! :)

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  9. COUNTING DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!

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  10. Thinking of you! Nov 1 is steadily approaching! :)

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  11. Well done :) I think you can handle anything you have thrown at you!

    Cant believe you are SO CLOSE to meeting little Alex! So excited for you xxx

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  12. Congrats on graduating! And don't forget, you can always rely on web therapy if you're having a rough time. You have lots of bloggy friends who are here for you!

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  13. You sound very strong and ready. Congrats on donning the gown and mortarboard!

    And best wishes in the coming weeks!

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  14. I would guess that your therapist will only be glad that you are at this point, and that she helped you find the tools to get here.

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