Two Heartbeats!!!!

It's official, there are two little hearts beating inside me!  I went this morning, chanting "Please God, two heartbeats."  And there was!  Two little ones, beating away.

The nurse told me this morning that I would remember this day.  She was dressed as a cat for Halloween, and she positioned the ultrasound so the two babies would look like little cat eyes.  Absolutely incredible.  I'm just over the moon excited - there really are two in there!!!

Weekend with my Mom

I just got back from spending three nights with my mother, and boy I’m happy to be home.  This was the most amount of time I have spent with her in years, probably since I was 18 or so.  She has two homes: one in CO, and one in SC.  She has been trying to sell her house in SC for awhile, but she’s having a hard time.  Her family is in SC, so it was very convenient to meet her in SC and go to the family reunion this weekend.  Alex and I flew there on Friday, and returned on Monday.  The reunion was really fun, and Alex was a champ.  Such a charmer, smiling at everyone.  She really enjoyed the hayride and playing with pumpkins.  I wish I was only there for the reunion…

I have to say, my mom and I got along better this weekend than any other time recently.  I think we both made an effort to be nice to each other, and only had a few rough moments.  But I had some major realizations about her.  First, she is one of the most negative people I know.  My whole life, I have hated how negative she is about me, never having anything nice to say, and questioning every decision I’ve made.  Making snide comments, and just being unpleasant.  But for the first time I realized – it’s not me!  Sure, she made comments about my stuff, but she also spent the entire weekend making negative comments about everything: her husband, her house in CO, her house in SC, my step-brother and his family, my step-brother’s kids (who are age 2-7: not exactly awful people!), her family, the neighbors, the grocery store, EVERYTHING!!!!  I tried to hold my tongue and not say anything, but oh my goodness it was so hard.  Finally on Sunday night, I asked if I could use a bathroom that was different than the one I had been using to give Alex a bath since it had a tub in it, and she started on a 10 minute rant about how she hates all the bathrooms in her house, and she hates the water, and they have to filter it, and still can’t drink it, and she would have never bought this house, but her husband wanted to live here, but then he changed his mind…  Blah, blah, blah.  Well, I could no longer hold back.  I tried to be really nice, but I told her that she didn’t seem happy, and I’m worried about her because she’s so negative.  That she has a really nice life, but it doesn’t seem like she likes her life very much because she complains about it all the time.  Well, that started a rant about me, about how I don’t know much about her life because I’ve chosen to spend time apart from her for the last 20 years, and how dare I say anything about her life, blah, blah, blah.  I told her that yes, I haven’t spent much time with her, but I’m working on our relationship right now, and it doesn’t help to bring up the past, as we just need to focus on right now.  And right now she seems unhappy and I’m worried about me.  Well she told me I didn’t need to worry about her – everything’s great.  So I gave up.

She’s the most miserably unhappy person I’ve seen, and I hate it.  She is doing this to herself, and it was so enlightening to see it this weekend.  As my therapist would tell me time and again, these are her problems, not mine.  For once, I was able to observe it and not take it personally, and it felt so good.  I choose to live my life with positivity, at least most of the time, and I know that I will be happy anywhere.  I’ve watched her move about every three years, and change different things in her life.  I think this is because she’s never happy!  She’s so judgmental about everybody as well – it’s just exhausting being around her!

The other thing that was interesting, and certainly disappointing, is how unhelpful she was with Alex.  I’m used to dealing with my MIL, who flies to Houston once every few months to stay a week so she can have time with Alex.  She realizes that Alex is little, and if she doesn’t spend time with her, then Alex won’t know her.  Plus my MIL really likes spending time with Alex – when she was really tiny, it was all I could do to pry her from my MIL’s arms!  This couldn’t be farther from the truth with my mom.  She hasn’t spent much time with Alex, but really that’s because I haven’t spent much time with my mom in the last year.  I figured that since we were staying at my mom’s house for four days, that they would spend time with each other.  Not once did Mom try to play with her, or try to help me with taking care of her.  Alex would be on the floor crying, and I couldn’t pick her up because I was making a bottle or something, and Mom would just say “why is she crying?”  I would tell her that she could pick her up and it would help, so she would.  But then I asked if she wanted to hold Alex while she drank her bottle, and she said, “No way – she wants to be with you, not me!”  Not once did she offer to help with anything.  I told her that my fertility doc didn’t want me to pick up anything that weighed more than half a gallon of milk, and that I try to limit picking up Alex, but of course I have to pick her up.  She just agreed – yes, I must pick her up – not once did she offer to hold her.  She didn’t help with anything at all the entire weekend.  Once I was playing with Alex on the floor, and I had to go to the bathroom.  I came back to my mom reading a book, and she told me that Alex disappeared.  Um… thanks?  Alex was fine, but could she not get up and at least watch her as she crawled off? 

This woman does not have a maternal bone in her body.  I hate saying this, but since I was an early teenager, I’ve often thought that my mom should have never been a mother.  She adopted me when I was four years old, and this was after she was turned down by the adoption agencies when she asked to adopt a baby.  I often thought while growing up that she was a terrible mother, and that God, and then later the adoption agencies, knew what they were doing when they denied her wishes to be a mother.  This is an awful statement – I feel guilty even saying it, and I had a hard time reconciling this statement in my head with my own infertility struggles.  I talked about this at long length with my therapist, and I’ve realized that perhaps it has nothing to do with infertility or God’s wishes, but I still believe that my mom should never have been a mother.  She was a bad mother to me (even she will admit that sometimes), but I had hoped that she would try to be a good grandmother.  In front of other people, like at the family reunion, she says wonderful things like “Look at my sweet angel.”  But if she doesn’t have an audience, she doesn’t act with affection at all!  She instead seems annoyed most of the time – annoyed that Alex is so needy and loud!  She even got mad when I was showing Alex the piano: I would play a few notes, and Alex would play (or rather bang on the keys a bit, but never that hard).  Sure, it didn’t sound great, but it didn’t warrant the statement, “That sounds awful!”  What do you expect?  She’s a baby!

The worst was I finally psyched myself up to ask my mom for some help, but I had a feeling I would know the answer.  I told her about my upcoming work situation when I move to Denver.  I will have daycare either three half-days or two full-days per week, and between that and naps, I should be able to get most of my work done from home in my new part-time schedule.  But every three months for about a week, I will be very busy, and I will need additional help.  I asked her if she could commit to spending one day, every three months, at my house where I will be, and I could even change diapers.  All I need her to do is come over and play with and feed Alex for one day each three months.  She said no, she couldn’t commit to that.  I asked why, and she said that she travels, and takes care of her husband, and she just couldn’t commit to something so confining.  I said okay, but if she wants to spend time with Alex and get to know her as she grows up, please let me know.

The other worst thing is how she reacted when I told her I was having twins: “That sounds awful.” “I can’t believe you did that to yourself.” “So-and-so said one kid was easy, two kids were really hard, and three kids were impossible.” Not once did she say she was happy for me, or that she knew we would figure it out, or anything positive. 

The amazing thing is I’m really okay with all this.  I’ve struggled for years with her, trying to figure out how to have a relationship with her.  She always brings up the past, angry at me for things I did starting at around age 11 (yep – I’m still in trouble for stuff I did then), and I’ve never understood why it’s so difficult with her.  My therapist would tell me these are her problems, not mine.  I mostly got this, but it really sunk in this weekend.  She is just a miserable person.  For the first time in my life, I feel bad for her.  How awful it must be to feel all this negativity, all this bad stuff going on that she blames other people for.  But really it’s her own twisted perception.  She has a great life – they have money for retirement, they get to travel some, she has a very nice husband who adores her, she works out every day, is in excellent health and has a great body (complaining about how her size 4 and 6 clothes no longer fit – she has to buy 2’s!), she has good friends that pay attention to her, she has a great family (not even including me!), and fabulous pets.  She has a daughter that really wants to be in her life, but is not willing to spend much time in all that negativity.  Most of all, she has the most beautiful little granddaughter with whom she could choose to start over and create a good and solid relationship, but she is choosing to not do so.  This makes me sad for my daughter, but it’s probably a good thing for Alex to spend time away from that negativity as well.  For the first time in my life, I feel okay with all this.  This weekend has helped me accept that my mother is who she is, and probably nothing will change this.  It’s okay that she’s like this, but I don’t have to spend my life trying to make her into something she is not.

My Little Weebles

Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down!  This has been in my head all day.  On Monday, the nurse said that sometimes with twins the beta numbers wobble, but they recover.  Frankly, I didn't believe her.  I kept telling myself that the ultrasound looked good, that both embryos had a gestational sac that was measuring great - a day ahead!  But in the back of my head, I kept thinking of that 39% rise over 3 days, and it's just not good. 

Today I went in for another ultrasound and blood work, and the twins are still kicking!  Well not yet exactly, but it all looks good - mostly.  The ultrasound looks decent.  The nurse said they look good.  Both measured about 5 weeks, 3 days.  I'm 5 weeks, 4 days today.  They could see a yolk sac in both embryos.  And the beta came back, and it's high enough.  At my clinic, they stop telling you the number over 5,000.  It was 2,014 on Monday, and today (Thursday) it's over 5,000.  So I'm going to assume this is good - that it's high enough, and now we don't have to worry about the numbers!  I go back in on Wednesday, and hopefully I should see heartbeats then.

Once I started thinking about it, I am a little concerned about the growth rate of the embryos.  On Monday, they were measuring 5wk2d, and now they're measuring 5wk3d.  Not good that they had 1 day worth of growth in 3 days.  But there were two different nurses doing the ultrasounds, and I know we're talking millimeters here in difference.  Perhaps one nurse draws just inside the lines, and the other draws just outside?  I'm choosing to feel positive, and hopeful.  If I'm smoking crack (well not really of course...) please don't tell me.  I want to have this weekend of happiness. 

Speaking of this weekend, I'm just about as busy as I've ever been in my life, and I'm not sure how it will all get done.  I'm still in my full-time job until the end of next week, I have my sweet Alex, I'm leaving tomorrow to go to a family reunion, returning on Monday (flying with just Alex by myself - should be interesting.  Also I'm spending 3 nights with my mom - first time in YEARS - we don't have a great track record of getting along...), and to top it all off, I'm taking a faculty prep class that started on Monday and goes till next Friday.  This thing is KICKING MY ASS!  Every morning, I get up around 5 am (if I don't wake up at 3:00 - pregnancy insomnia has started) and work on the class until 6:30.  Then get ready, wake up Alex, get her ready and take her to school, then go to work at 8:00.  Leave that around 5:30, pick up Alex, give her dinner and put her to bed around 7, then eat something and work on my class till about 9, at which point I CRASH.  I'm exhausted.  I just don't know how I can keep going.  I have a huge essay that's due Sunday night, and somehow I'm going to have to figure out how to get this thing done while I'm at my mom's house and family reunion and taking care of Alex!  And I should probably stop writing this so I can go pack and go to BED!

But before I went to bed I wanted to let all of you know, all of you wonderfully supporting people that I'm so lucky to have in my life, that my little weebles wobbled, but they haven't fallen down!  When I found out that I was pregnant with twins on Monday morning, I have to admit, I was a little scared.  Three kids under two, I kept repeating to myself.  I didn't know how I was going to manage it all.  Yes, I was excited, but mostly overwhelmed.  But when I got the scary beta news Monday afternoon, all of that changed.  That is the one gift that infertility keeps giving us.  We realize just how precious this gift of children are.  One bad blood test, and the thought of losing my little gifts, my little scientific miracles, threw me into a tailspin when thinking about losing even one of them.  So although it was a scary few days, and I don't know if I will have scary days in my future, I am grateful for this experience.  Because now instead of thinking about how I will manage three kids under two, I am hoping beyond hope to have three kids under two.

Rollercoaster of Infertility

This was all going too well.  My first FET after pregnancy, it worked like a charm.  Almost too much of a charm – twins!  I’m overwhelmed, scared, and yet very VERY excited.  The ultrasound looked great: 2 sacs, measuring a day ahead.  And then, I got my blood results, and it all came crashing down – maybe…  Why oh why do we measure everything so specifically???  And so often, and so early?  I know that’s what all the fertility docs do, but ugh – this sucks. 

Here are my numbers:

HCG Friday 10/19: 1,453

HCG Monday 10/22: 2,014 (rise of 39% in 3 days)

Estradiol Friday 10/19: over 2,000 (they don’t give the number over 2,000)

Estradiol Monday 10/22: 656 (at least a drop of 67%)

Progesterone Friday 10/19: over 40 (they don’t give the number over 40)

Progesterone Monday 10/22: 38.1 (at least drop of 5%)

The estradiol and progesterone numbers aren’t that concerning, but why are they dropping?  The big thing is why aren't my HCG levels rising appropriately???  I spoke with the nurse, and she said with twin pregnancies, HCG levels can wobble a bit.  And no, it’s not rising like they would expect, but sometimes this happens.  Either (a) both are fine and we’ll see the numbers take off soon, (b) one pregnancy isn’t doing well but the other is fine, or (c) both aren’t fine.  Um yeah, I could have probably figured out those different scenarios myself.  So now we wait, and see what Thursday’s blood work and ultrasound say.  She did stress that the most important thing is the ultrasound showed two sacs that are measuring great, but still, I can’t help but worry about those HCG levels… 

I hate the rollercoaster of infertility.  

Double Trouble

I went to the RE for blood work and ultrasound, and guess what – there are two in there!  This beta thing is so weird.  My numbers are less than what they were when I was pregnant with Alex, and yet this time, there are two!  My nurse was so confident there were two in there that before I even got undressed she switched the setting to allow her to measure two babies.  They both are measuring great.  The sacs are both measuring 5wk2d, and I’m 5wk1d.  There might be a hint of a yolk sac in one, but in the other they couldn’t tell.  Still awaiting the results of the blood work, but based on the ultrasound, it all looks good!

Unfortunately my husband wasn’t able to come with me, so I called him right after the appointment and he immediately started talking logistics.  How do you get 3 kids around?  How do you travel?  We need a big house.  I told him we’ll figure it out, and it will all be fine, but yes, he’s freaking out a bit.  And so am I.  Three kids under 2 years old???  I know I shouldn’t be surprised, as we transferred two embryos, but this was my third transfer.  And we had IUI’s.  And months of timed sex.  I’m not fertile!  But it will certainly look like it when we pile out of our minivan (thank goodness we bought one right before we had Alex – it used to be for the dogs…). 

Yes, I’m in a bit of a shock and freak-out mode.  But I am excited.  How special it will be to have two more babies in our life.  Wow – just wow.

OK, now I need to figure this out.  Is there anything different I need to do in this twin pregnancy to make sure they’re healthy?  Twin mamas, do you have any good resources for me?  There I go again – anything that comes my way results in reading another book!  

Beta #1

My first beta, at 14 days past 5 day transfer, or approximately 19 dpo, was 1,453!  Pretty high, compared to the averages.  But it's not as high as it was with Alex at this point: 1,763.  So I refuse to think twins at this point, I'm waiting to see the ultrasound for that one...  But speaking of the ultrasound, they scheduled me for another beta and an ultrasound on Monday.  Doesn't this seem early?  I know all they'll be hoping to see is a gestational sac, but will that even be big enough to show up on an ultrasound?  I'm trying not to get my hopes up for Monday - just for rising beta numbers.

I'm so happy with today's result.  I tested a week ago, got the positive result, and never tested again.  I only had the one pregnancy test, and with my new budget (going part-time on November 1!!!) I refused to buy another test.  But after so many days, it started to feel less real.  I would look at that test, and assume it was a fake.  And the line wasn't super dark, so I thought that by now I would have lost the baby.  Ugh - I hate all the fear and thoughts that come into my head, after going through everything...

But today I'm celebrating.  I'm pregnant!!!

Bring it on!

I feel like shit. I woke up this morning with the sniffles and it got worse from there. Headache, sneezing like crazy. I had to come home from work early because little Alex has been sick with a stomach virus. Thank goodness my MIL has been here since I have been crazy busy at work! She seemed better this morning but she woke up after sleeping for 13.5 hours with a completely dry diaper. Scared the crap out of me, as I've read the warnings about dehydration - if they don't pee for 8-10 hours, go to the ER where they will give the baby an IV! So I'm scared, except she seems fine, although still a little sick. But I go to work and call the doc as soon as they open. Long story short, she's fine - not dehydrated. Peeing up a storm later today, and definitely on the mend - no diarrhea since early afternoon, which is a huge improvement. Thank goodness!!!

Anyway, back to me. I progressively feel worse throughout the day, and as we deal with all the stuff with Alex, my MIL keeps telling me to take cold meds. We haven't told her about the FET, so I would vaguely nod and change the subject, sneezing every 10 seconds with snot dripping out of my nose. Finally Alex goes to take a nap, so I do the same. But I'm pissed. Grumbling about not being able to take meds, probably for nothing because the FET probably didn't work, this sucks. So I rip the pregnancy test out of the wrapper and pee on it. One week before the beta - 7 days after 5 day transfer (although let's be honest - my clinic is crazy in requiring 2 weeks after transfer for a beta) so probably too early. I'm stomping around the bathroom, getting ready to lay down, keep glancing at the test but nothing. Finally I'm about to give up and I turn on the bright light and look closer and holy shit - there's a second line!!! A decent one that darkened up a little more with a little patience!

So I guess it's worth it, feeling like crap, not able to take any meds. Oh, but to make matters much worse, this afternoon I started having diarrhea and throwing up! And so did my MIL! Apparently we picked up whatever Alex had. We're both in misery - thank goodness the hubs feels ok and can take care of all of us. I really hope I don't spend another weekend in bed - I just did that last weekend with bedrest! Oh well, we'll get past this mess. And then really get to celebrate!

I'm pregnant - can you believe it? I can't believe I'm so lucky to have this first FET for baby #2 work! Now grow, little one(s), grow! Mama loves you so much already.

Greetings from Bedrest

First, I want to say thank you so much for the amazing ideas and assurances from everyone in my last post. It's so foreign for me to become a PT SAHM, but I'm thrilled that I have the opportunity. And I'm already planning our new schedule in my head. I just need to make it through October, which will require a ton of work unfortunately.

Well, it's done! Two beautiful embryos (in the words of the doc and the embryologist) were transferred into my ute with a huge fluffy lining on Friday morning. Now all that is left is waiting. In my clinic's tortuous way, my beta isn't until 10/19, two weeks after transfer, but I will likely test before. The goal will be to hold off as long as possible, but we'll see. My MIL is coming to visit for a week starting Wednesday so that will be a distraction. She wanted to come at a time that worked for us, and I chose this week as I'll be working a ton, and we can pull Alex out of daycare and she can take care of her, which will be nice. Plus it will be good to have a distraction. We're not planning on telling her about the FET, but my husband is terrible about keeping secrets so I imagine it might slip out. But I don't want to test while she's here, so that will help push it out. I had suggested to hubs that it might help to have his MIL here while I'm on bedrest. He said no, he didn't want to involve her. I was worried about him handling it all - taking care of me and Alex. But I'm happy to report that he's been doing great!!! I'm eating well, and he fetches anything I need, but most importantly he's taking care of Alex almost as good as I do! :) She spends a lot of time on the bed with me, but he'll hang out with us too so if she tries to commit suicide by going head first off the bed, he's there to grab her. No fear, this child!

He's actually being much more tender and nice with me than he ever was during fertility treatments before. He's super careful with me, and handling the entire PIO thing (the last 2 times he would just do the injections, not preparing the syringe or anything). He's completely positive that this FET will be successful, which is nice. I tend to be a little more pessimistic, perhaps trying to guard my heart.

I'm happy to report that I'm feeling less ambivalent about this FET. Up until the transfer, I felt like I was going through the motions. I wasn't that excited, and frankly the idea of having kids so close together scared me. I was really doing it to get it done. And to hopefully do it before we move, requiring another doctor. But now, after I saw the pics of those two little embryos, and I've been listening to my circle + bloom meditations, I'm really excited about the possibility of being pregnant and having another baby (or even babies)! I really hope this works, and I have a nice boring pregnancy!!! Ah, the dreams of infertiles everywhere...

Identity Crisis

I've always been very career oriented.  Starting with college, then straight to graduate school, I knew I wanted to be a professional woman, with a great job.  I wanted to make my own money, and never let that go.  I watched my mother struggle with money after divorcing my father, and I swore that would never be me.  She relied on my father for everything financial, and when we moved out and she got a job, our lifestyles changed dramatically, even with the alimony and child support.  She made me promise to never rely on a man, to always have my own money.  I promised and crossed my heart…

I just won the lottery of a working mother: I received approval to go part-time (20 hours) effective November 1.  Initially I will work 8-16 hours of this in the office, but when we move to Colorado, I’ll work the 20 hours at home, remotely.  I’m so excited to spend more time with Alex, and especially excited to not have her in daycare all day, every day.  She will still be in daycare for 2 full days per week while we’re in Texas, and then 3 half days when we move to Colorado (the rest of the 20 hours will be done during naps or after bedtime), but that’s so much better than being there from 8-5:30 five days a week like she is now.  Plus if this FET works (tomorrow is the transfer – holy crap!), it will be nice to be a little more relaxed during the pregnancy, especially after the next baby comes along.  I can’t wait until the end of this month when my part-time schedule starts.

BUT…  Occasionally I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  I’m cutting my salary in half, and so the budget is getting super tight.  I currently make a little more than my husband, so when I go part-time, it’s a huge change in our family income.  I've implemented a new budget effective October 1, and I have to say, it’s tough.  Not that this is a bad thing, but I’m constantly questioning every purchase – do I need this, can I go without?  And I feel bad about restricting my husband’s spending.  Going part-time has not exactly been a family decision.  He didn't say no, but he really doesn't see the value in it, so he wasn't super supportive.  I told him that I really appreciate the opportunity to do this, and I think it will be very good for our family, but he didn't really respond.  I told him that I understand this puts a lot of pressure on him, as he’s searching for a job right now, and having to turn down certain opportunities as he’s the primary breadwinner now, and he needs things out of a job like stability and insurance.  He’s getting phone calls about contract opportunities, and although these could be very exciting, it may be too risky considering I’m not bringing in my full salary and insurance. 

And then there’s the identity thing.  Who am I?  I've always defined myself with my career, with my accomplishments.  Now, I’m stepping down at my company, giving up my management role, and becoming a contributor instead of a manager.  Sure, I’m still contributing in a significant way, but my title will be the same as it was at my former company – five years ago.  It won’t look good on my resume.  I know I shouldn't care about that kind of thing, as I’m doing something really important – taking care of Alex – but it still feels weird.  I’m not moving up, I’m moving down.  And there’s no opportunity for promotion, or anything really.  Just keep on contributing is the most I can hope for.  The hubs seems to think this is a temporary thing, but I can’t imagine wanting to spend less time away from Alex.  Even when she goes to school, I’ll want to be there every day when she gets home from school – I don’t want to send her to an after-school program, which would be necessary if I go back to work full-time.  Is this really a permanent decision?  The thought scares me.

The other thing is I’m nervous about is providing enriching activities for Alex, and a future baby if I’m so lucky.  I’m an accountant, not a teacher.  I don’t know much about early childhood education, and how to best stimulate them.  Currently on the weekends, during Alex’s wake-time, we take walks and she swings in the playground or I take her to the grocery store or we hang out in my living room and play with her toys.  We can’t keep doing just this – I’ll need to figure out some projects or something.  I know she’s just 11 months right now, so there aren't a lot of “projects” that work for her right now, but the time is quickly approaching where we can do stuff, more than just playing on the floor with her toys.  But what exactly????  Do any of you have websites or books or something that will help me with this?  I found out the local library does toddler story time on a day that I’ll have off, so I’ll plan on doing that.  What else?  I really want to look at this like a new job, and do it well!  I need to learn more about how children learn, and figure this stuff out…  And preferably in ways that don’t cost much money (see earlier discussion on tightening the purse strings). 

I know I need to chill out and just go with it.  For the most part, I’m very excited about going part-time.  It’s just that I never in a million years thought I would want to do this.  I always could hear my mother in my head, telling me to not rely on a man, to have a career.  Sure, I always wanted kids, but I always planned on working at the same time.  But when it took so long to have Alex, and we struggled so much, and then when I had her and started spending time with her, and then I took her to daycare and cried, and every night I pick her up and she’s utterly exhausted, and then I spend one hour per night with her, I now want to spend more.  One hour per night, and 20-30 minutes in the morning, is not enough time to spend with this child that I wanted so much.  The other night she woke up at midnight for the first time in months, and she needed attention for about an hour.  It was wonderful.  If I’m desperately cherishing these cries and requests for cuddles in the middle of the night, we have a problem.  But hopefully now I’m fixing it.