Friday, June 17, 2011

I Just Don’t Get It

I don’t understand my mother – I never have. I know I should know better, but every once in awhile I forget that I can’t rely on my mother, and it always seems to surprise me. We’ve always struggled with our relationship, but things have been better lately. She’s been very nice on the phone, and she’s been sweet in the last year or so, supporting me through my fertility treatments and losses. But it only goes so far.

About two months ago I asked her to come visit me for a weekend (she lives in Denver). She said she was going on a two-week trip in May, and she would visit me after that. OK, fine. I talked with her two weeks ago when she returned from her trip, and asked her when she was going to visit me. She was vague, “Oh, I’m just so busy. I don’t know when I can.” So I told her to check her calendar and let me know. Mind you, she doesn’t work, she has a husband who works part-time, but her schedule consists of things like taking long walks, knitting and a little charity work – she just told me she’s a model in some charity fashion shows. I talked with her last night, and asked her again when she was coming to visit. This time I told her a project that I wanted help with – recovering the seat cover of a cedar chest that I want to put in the nursery. She gave me the chest years ago, and she has recovered it before, and she acted interested in it when I discussed it last night. When I mentioned a specific purpose and project I wanted to work on with her, she finally sounded interested, but would not commit to a date. She’s done this so many times: “I’d love to come visit you, but I just don’t know when!” I’ve lived in Houston for over three years, and she has never visited…

But then I asked her the big question, only because it came up. She asked me about working after the baby comes (yes, unfortunately), and maternity leave (12 weeks, but the last 3 weeks I’ll work part-time from home), and if the hubs was taking time off. I told Mom that he was taking one week off at birth, and then taking two weeks off when I had to go back to work. We’re planning on using daycare, but I’m somewhat stressed about it. I haven’t visited any yet as they don’t have huge waiting lists around here and I have only looked at websites, but even looking at pictures of the infant rooms on websites gave me a pit in my stomach. I know that the transition back to work will be difficult for me. So ideally I’d like to have four weeks with me at work without the baby at daycare: 2 weeks with the hubs, 1 week with my mom, and 1 week with my mother-in-law. I haven’t asked my MIL yet, but I know she’ll say yes, actually she would probably come for two weeks if we asked her, and she has a full-time job! And I assumed my mom would say yes – who wouldn’t say yes to taking care of their grandchild?

Since Mom asked me about maternity leave and the hubs taking time off from work, I told her what I would like and explained that I’m worried about how hard it will be to leave my child in daycare, and I asked her if she would come here for a week and take care of the baby to help with the transition. She laughed – loud, and for awhile. I told her that I knew that it was a lot to ask, and she can say no, but please think about it and let me know, because I would really appreciate it if she could help me. Then she said that she thinks that she’s going on a cruise around that time, maybe two cruises! I said, “Really, when is your cruise?” She replied that she wasn’t sure, it was sometime around November or December. I said, “Oh, well that’s good, because I’m talking about the end of January or early February.” And she stumbled for a bit, talked about planning on going to Utah to ski in January, so I let her off the hook and asked her to think about it. But I think I got my answer – she has no interest in coming here for a week to help me, or even for a weekend before the baby is here. She wants to continue our nice superficial relationship, but anytime I ask her to do something truly inconvenient, she won’t do it.

The worst part is she has said in the past that she wants to help me, and come to visit and help. She got upset because she found out my MIL came here (from Denver) to help us paint the house, and then another time my MIL came here to take me to my hysteroscopy appointment because my hubs couldn’t do it. She very pointedly said that she didn’t understand why I asked my MIL to come here for the appointment instead of her, and I blamed it on the hubs. But the real answer is I can’t rely on my mom. The hubs called his mom with about 3 days notice, asking her to take off work and fly here, and she didn’t hesitate at all – of course she would come, and this is why we asked her. But now, I’m asking my mom with seven months notice to come here for a week and take care of her grandchild when I go back to work, and it’s too much to ask. I just don’t get it.

30 comments:

  1. Wow! Just wow! I don't even know what to say. Your mom is so frickin selfish. A cruise? Over visiting her grandchild & helping out her child? I'm so sorry your mom is like this. It's not your fault. It's her's. :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry your mom is so unwilling to help and support you. It makes absolutely no sense. Your MIL, on the other hand, sounds wonderful, and I'm so glad you have her in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sorry Alex. Your Mom sounds like she's dealing with this in a strange way. I can't imagine that she's that busy so many months in advance. Um, hi, it's June? I really understand what it's like to be able to count on family and it sucks. I hope that whatever she's got rolling about in her head will stop long enough to recognize that you need her. My guess is that youll have to use theMIL visit as bait. "she's coming for two weeks and we're only asking you for one!" :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Alex, I am sorry, that sucks.
    I think the one benefit that comes out of something like that is that you know how easily your mom can disappoint you. And I am sure that you will be such a great mom that your baby will never have to feel that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry. I could loan my mom to you! lol. Thinking about you Alex!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sorry. I know that hurts your feelings. It probably leaves you thinking, "Really, wtf?" I know I would be saying that. Regarding child care, we're so happy with the facility we found. The first place, not so much, but the second place we LOVE. Just remember this, early childhood development and education is excellent for the architecture of a child's brain. From infancy, children learn through interactions and while in care they will have great interactions that strengthen their mind! While I know you feel the yank to be at home as long as possible, and it's tough letting go that first week, it can be a great thing! :-) I work in a early childhood education organization! Take care & chin up!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Aww Alex I am so sorry that your mom is being like that! That would make me so mad and sad, you are so strong for putting up with that! My dad is sort of like that. He considers his small part-time job more important than his daughter or grandson, and will insist that he goes to his 3 hour shift at the kayak store, instead of spending a couple extra days with us. :(

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sorry your mom is being a flake. I wish she understood how important it was for her grandchild to get to know her. I hope she reconsiders. Your MIL sounds like a gem!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Moms can really suck sometimes. I'm really sorry that your mother will not commit to coming out and helping you. I know that you will take every ounce of your pain and turn it into love and support for your child. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yeah, I don't get that either. My mom's been pretty weird lately, too. In fact, all my blood relatives pretty much suck ass in the reliability department. I celebrate the fact I have a good group of friends who would do anything for me, and I'll take that over half-ass family anyday.

    I'm sorry :(

    ReplyDelete
  12. Maybe next time your MIL does something because your mother can't be relied upon, you should tell your mother that that's why. (Like, if your MIL comes out for two weeks and your mother refuses to come.) Would that get the message through?

    In any case, I'm really sorry about this. It's lousy that she won't be there for you and help you, but much lousier that she's basically telling you that she has the time and money to go and do things, but only things she wants to do - and she doesn't want to see you.

    Would reverse psychology work? Never invite her again, and if she says, "I'd like to come visit you..." say, "Oh, we've been so busy, I don't know when we could manage. But it's such a sweet thought!" No?

    ReplyDelete
  13. for some people...the world actually does rotate with THEM as it's "very important" axis. annoying...but they are who they are. sorry you keep getting dissappointed...i know it never hurts any less.(((hug)))

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh man, that sucks that she's not willing to commit. I guess I'd rather know now than get my hopes up only to have her disappoint in the end. Maybe she'll come around, especially once that sweet baby is here! Is there her first grandbaby?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Breathe lovely lady and remember all the kind people that want to help and remind yourself of this daily. It won't take away from her actions but it will help you feel loved and its time you put a preggo ticker up on your blog cause I keep having to go back and reconfigure how far along you are and I suck at math and I'm pretty sure my calender used to have a May page.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh gosh!! I can't believe her! That would be so unbelievably frustrating. I'm sorry you have to put up with that. :-( Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh man. This really sucks. I kind of know how you feel (up until last fall my mom has only visited me a few times in 10 years), although my mom has stepped it up since she found out she'd be a grandma. I'd ask your MIL to plan for two weeks and when your mom complains about it, I'd tell her the truth. Yep, it's blunt, but some people need bluntness to really get it (my own MIL).

    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  18. How totally weird. I guess helping sounds good to her in the abstract,but the reality is a different story? And this way she gets credit for offering without actually doing anything? It sounds so disappointing and frustrating.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Wow. That really does suck. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how a grandmother could be so ridiculous about it -- laughing when you asked for help?

    It does sound like you have a lot of other support, though, so that's good to know. Unfortunately, it doesn't even sound like having her around would be much help since she's so reluctant and you'll feel like you'd have to thank her every second for taking time out of her "busy schedule." My SIL and BIL rank family usefulness for helping with their kids. Out of all of us, my BIL's mother is about the least useful -- somehow she makes MORE work when she's around rather than helping. So, they rely on others instead. Go for the others who have bent over backward to help you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. That is horrible. It makes a big tear in your heart. I don't get it. I felt the same last week when my first choice for being guardian said no. You want to depend on the family you are supposed to be able to depend on. It leaves you feeling like you are floating in a sea alone. ((Hugs)) I'm glad you have an awesome MIL.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow, Alex. I am so sorry. I can't even believe it. I'm counting my blessings right now b/c my mom is great. It's nice to be reminded of the good things in my life when other parts seem so bad. I'm sorry, hon.

    Sending you a big motherly hug! =)

    ReplyDelete
  22. ugh! maybe you need to take a break from dealing with her at all! tell her, pointedly, to call you when she knows what dates she has available for a visit! ultimatum in hints...

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm sorry to read this Alex. (HUG). I wish I could offer up some explanation for the way she reacted, or helpful suggestions, but having a very similar relationship with my own mom, I can't. All I can suggest is to surround yourself with friends and family that do want to help and are supportive, and limit your interactions with your mom if you can, and expect nothing from her. Easier said than done, I know. Thinking about you and wishing you the best, as always.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm sorry to hear that about your mom.

    It is hard to put the little ones in daycare. I hated it but it's what I had to do. If you can find a good caregiver, then I think it is ok for lots of people to love your child.

    ReplyDelete
  25. What a disappointment, I am sorry. Like Stephanie said, it's better that she flakes now instead of when you are closer. I know it's cliche but it will be her loss. Your fab mil will step up!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Alex, I am so sorry. Every time to you write about your parents (or birth parents) I feel so badly for you. In reading this, its not so much that she isn't coming but the laughing and how she makes you feel like cruises and ski trips are more important. I am very glad that you have your MIL, she sounds wonderful.
    sending lots of love to you. You deserve better

    ReplyDelete
  27. I can certainly relate to the mother drama. I've found myself lowering my expectations again and again with my mother, and finally realizing that no matter how low they go I will still end up disappointed.

    So sorry that someone who should be there enjoying a wonderful time with you isn't willing to do so. It's such a huge loss for both of you, which she will hopefully realize one day.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Wow, that must be very confusing for you trying to reach out and connect to your mother.

    And 12 weeks maternity leave - yeah that's why I was living-in as an aupair in US years and years ago. Can't believe how little it is.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm so sorry, that is absolutely horrible of your mom :(

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sounds like my mom, only worse! I'm so sorry!

    ReplyDelete