Wednesday, June 15, 2011

One Year Ago

I woke up today, so tired. But somewhere in my fog, things started to change in the shower. As I was leaning over for my daily hot water massage on my lower back and stretch (backaches this early – ugh!), I started thinking about how lucky I am. The last few days, I’ve been more tired than normal, and the backaches are getting worse and worse, and I’ve been getting a little grumpy. But today I realized that it’s all so worth it – thank goodness I get the opportunity to have a sore back.

The last few weeks have seen some really low lows in the IF blogworld – losses beyond imagination. And some very high highs – births, and BFPs. Wonderful news. Also, in my personal life, my BFF found out last week that her second IVF resulted in a BFN, and now she won’t return my phone calls. I know she just needs time, but it’s still hard knowing she is hurting, and she won’t talk to me. All this makes me think about how many different paths there are, and how hard we are all trying to build our families, and some of us make it, and some of us don’t. I don’t know why some of us get our babies, and for some reason some of us never get a chance, or keep losing our babies. All I know is I’m so very grateful to have this chance. Yes, I fought really hard for this baby, and I continue to fight, but I know how fleeting this happiness can be. And I know how lucky I am to have this baby inside me. I’m starting the golden time of pregnancy – the small little flutters are starting in my lower belly (I think it’s movement – can’t really tell for sure), and I have an ultrasound where we will be able to find out the sex of the baby next week – I can’t wait! And suddenly today I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude, happiness and peacefulness about my baby.

And then I got to work, and looked at the date: June 15. One year after going into the doctor at 8 ½ weeks, blissfully pregnant, excited to show my husband the heartbeat. And then realizing that there was no longer a heartbeat. I think back to that date, one year ago, and it seems like a lifetime has passed. What a long year it has been. I miss that little guy – so very much. But if I had that baby, I wouldn’t have the baby that is in my belly today. It’s so hard to think of one without the other. I’m not a big believer in “things happen for a reason.” This phrase would upset me to no end when people would tell me that after my ectopic last year, and then especially after my little one’s heartbeat stopped. I think it fed into my fear about not being able to have kids because I wasn’t supposed to be a mother. But today, I really wish I didn’t have to go through what I did last year, and I really wish we had that baby we lost, but I feel like a different person today after going through it all. I believe that all the heartache, all the tears I shed, it all shaped me into the woman I am today. One that is so incredibly grateful for the baby I currently hold inside me today.

24 comments:

  1. Many ((hugs)). I've, obviously, been thinking about these June dates a lot, too, this week. I really wish none of us had to go through that pain. I'm so glad that you have such a wonderful reminder of happiness with you right now and are able to appreciate him/her so much.

    Can't wait to hear about the next u/s!

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  2. I remember last year with freshness as well, there were a bunch of us with June losses last year too. And now this year again. So strange. I am also happy for your continued healthy pregnancy, and I am so sorry for your BFF.

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  3. Hugs! I'm so happy to hear that your pregnancy is going well! Like you, I'm not sure why some people lose their babies. It's a horrible thing to go through. I'm sorry about your BFF!

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  4. Wow, so well put.
    I'm sorry for your BFF.
    You can't imagine the relief you are going to feel when you feel your baby moving, it is just the most reassuring thing EVER!!

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  5. {{hugs}} I believe that things happen for a reason. And yes I hate when people tell this to me but if you start looking back everything either makes your stronger and makes you a better person. :o) xoxoxoxxoo

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  6. I am so sorry for your BFF. I know it has to be difficult on both of you. I still feel guilt over the loss of Mya...that same feeling of having one but not the other. It's strange to be happy for one thing when it means the other, the one you also wanted to badly, couldn't be. I'm thinking of you and just hoping that things work out okay with your friend. Lots of love!!

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  7. Alex, I am so grateful that you have this squiggly baby in your belly right now. But sure enough, June 2010 bears some tough dates for me to look back on as well. Thanks for all your support. Looking forward to hearing who's in there! xoxo

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  8. beautiful! And i am so happy that you found your peace. I hope it wraps you up in calmness and doesnt let you go. I am so happy for you.

    And your BFF does need a little time, but just know that she knows you love her. and maybe send her a card.

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  9. What a great post. It is amazing how things can change in a year. Sometimes a year feels like 10 and then all of a sudden a year can feel like a month. Soak it all in, my dear. You deserve this happiness and the peace. You have earned the right to be at peace and to enjoy your pregnancy. I'm sorry about your friend. I hope that she will come around and reach out to you at some point. It would be good for her to talk to someone that knows her pain.

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  10. So much reflection and change, all just happening.

    I'll keep your friend in my thoughts. It's hard to imagine that kind of sadness again when so much happiness is on our plates right now. Seems like such a long time ago at times, ya know?

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  11. Agreed!! I am so happy that you get to be a mommy. You will be a wonderful one. But I am so sad for your bff. What a rotten situation. I really hope that her path leads to that perfect baby, too.

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  12. It makes my head hurt, I am that baby that would not be here if my older brother had not been born too early and passed away. He left this world in early January, and I was conceived in mid March. I know my mom still misses him, 34 years later.

    Sorry about your BFF and the BFN.

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  13. This brought tears to my eyes. I also hated the "all things happen for a reason" statement after my loss. Now I look at my daughter and tear up because I am just so grateful to have made it and if all the things wouldn't have gone just the way they did I wouldn't have her. Look forward to hearing the big reveal!

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  14. Give your friend time. It is hard to get a BFN, especially with IVF and especially on #2. I have a friend that is about a week or two ahead of you (actually two friends) and I too have not reached out to them as I would have if they weren't pregnant. I can't explain it, but it's harder to get consoled in person by a pregnant person. Just let her know you are there when she needs you whether its just a text or email saying hi and that you are thinking about her.
    I do love hearing you talk so happily about your pregnancy :)

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  15. I'm so happy that you're in such a beautiful frame of mind with this pregnancy - I should take lessons from you! Looking forward to hearing the gender of the little person you're carrying, and hoping your BFF comes around sooner, rather than later. I've been in her shoes though, and sometimes no matter how much you love a person you just can't overlook the fact that they've got something you want so very badly.

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  16. What a difference a year makes! And once you feel the baby move, it will be amazing!!

    You are a better person today because of everything that you had to go thru to get here. Although the journey may be hard and there are times we want to give up....we keep fighting because we have faith that God is good!

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  17. Fantastic post Alex. I agree that our past makes us what we are today and what we have. The losses are unimaginably sad when you are going through them and they do take away a little bit of the happiness a new pregnancy brings. But then you start feeling those flutters. It's real. And then you'll have a baby smiling back at you and you wonder "is it real?". And the losses become part of the path to see that smile and it's priceless.
    Give space to your friend, you have been there too, it's not easy to talk to a pregnant friend even if her path was long and difficult.
    I'll be thinking of you next week, if I was guessing I think it's going to be a boy!

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  18. thinking of you my sweet friend.

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  19. I'm so sorry for the sad anniversary, and so happy for the beginning of the golden time. What a confusing mixture it must be to remember loss while dreaming of the future. And it so true--there's just no sense to it. But I suppose it's better that way. If there were an explanation, I don't think we'd want to know it!

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  20. You have a wonderful attitude and are amazingly resilient. I'm really happy all is well for you now.

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  21. This is such a beautiful post. Yes you will never forget your other babies, but you should definitely be happy right now. How exciting to feel movement! Xxoo

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  22. Oh Alex, what a mixture of feelings. But so happy for you reaching this point, wonderful to start feeling movements. And I can't wait to hear what sex it is =) Very exciting!

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  23. Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing how you're feeling, emotionally, about pregnancy. I am sure you are feeling the movement and, my how comforting it is! Best of luck at your next ultrasound!

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  24. It's amazing what can happen and change in a year. I'm sorry for your loss this time last year. Also thinking of your friend, I know that must be painful. Best wishes to you as always-you're in my thoughts and prayers.

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