Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I’ve been good. I’ve been positive, planning for the future, expecting the baby to come, not obsessing, not reading the loss stories on the internet, expecting my baby to come. Sure, I may use the Doppler occasionally, but I’ll only do it if I have time to deal with the bad consequences. Is it weird that I won’t do it in the morning before I go to work, or if I have something planned that day? Sure, I always have a plan when going to appointments – who to call, where I’ll go, what to do – if the appointment is bad. I know this sounds morbid, but overall I’ve been positive, really!

Last week I went into the doc for some blood work – the second part of the screening, I think it’s called the integrated screening. The first part came back at around 12 weeks, and it was great. I have very low risk for 3 trisomy issues, including Downs. I almost forgot about this second part, but it’s amazing how quickly I can get scared. Someone was in my office this morning talking about something important, and my cell phone rang. I immediately turned it off, and it wasn’t until I turned it off that I realized the call was from my doctor. I continued to talk to the person in my office for another 10 minutes, and I could barely pay attention. He kept asking me questions, and I think I answered, but I was in a complete terror. What if this is how I find out that there’s something wrong? As soon as the person left my office, I checked my voice mail and there was a message from the nurse to call her. She didn’t sound upset, but maybe she always sounds like that! I called her back, and of course got her voice mail. For the next two hours, I didn’t go anywhere without my cell, wondering what the results would be.

The results were fine. They screened for open neural tube defects, and for women over 35, the chance is 1:300. Based on all my blood work, I have a 1:2,886 chance, so this is great. There was no reason to worry, and everything is fine. What a relief! But why do I immediately jump to the conclusion that something must be wrong with my baby? There are no indications that anything could be wrong. I’ve had a relatively good pregnancy so far – some symptoms, a little spotting but not much, a subchorionic hematoma that went away, but nothing huge. I have absolutely NO reason to think that anything will go wrong! And yet… I worry. I know this is normal, that most pregnant women do this, and those of us that are infertile and have losses in our past are even worse. That all of the research that I’ve done over the last few years only increases my worry, as I know all the things that can go wrong. But I wish I could simply relax and not worry. I don’t know that I ever will. From now on, even after the baby is born (healthy!!! Please!), I will worry, and I have to simply get used to this way of life. But it’s hard, it’s so very hard, when I discover that all I’m doing is waiting for something to go wrong.

27 comments:

  1. I watched one of those tv shows about the children of people exposed to toxins and how they had extra arms or missing limbs or whatever while i was pregnant..... I spent months worrying that my kid was going to have an extra arm or his heart outside of his chest.

    *shaking my head* even if he had...how was worrying about it for months going to help me?? lol I wish you PEACE PEACE PEACE for every day of your pregnancy.

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  2. Oh Alex, I so so wish it was the same for me. I really envy those people who can just relax and enjoy. I think it's us, the way we are and I found that accepting that I'm a worrier is actually easier than wonder why I do worry.

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  3. I'll let you in on a little secret (though you're probably not going to like it), you'll never stop worrying.... Especially not after the baby is born but it just sort of becomes a new normal for you. :) Totally worth it!!

    mel. from Broken Eggs

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  4. I wonder if women who got pregnant easily, or maybe even when they weren't trying, worry about these things as much as we do? I am the same way but I just take that to mean we will be as loving as possible to these babies and only want the best for them.

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  5. I hope that you cna look back and say all that worrying for nothing!!!!
    But either way, you are going to have a baby and love it regaurdless!
    Thinking of you and hoping all the news in your pregnancy is good news!!!

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  6. I guess when all we know is disappointment, that becomes all that we can expect. At a certain time it is important to know that we do not ONLY get disappointments in life, its a constant up and down and you DESERVE to be on this up!!!

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  7. I think after all you have been through it would be impossible not to worry. But try to enjoy this pregnancy if you can. I'm so excited for you that everything is going so well!

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  8. It must be hard not to be extra worried when going through what you have. But I hope you can find some peace for the rest of the pregnancy. Wonderful that the tests came back okay!

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  9. More good news, hooray! I can only imagine how worried I would be. I hope that your worrying is co-mingled with joy! It's your time, Alex!

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  10. Yeah for the great news. The worry never ends with parenting. Unless of course you forget you have kids. :)

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  11. Like you say, it's totally normal after everything you've been through, and I do think those screenings are super stressful. All I can really say is that sometimes nothing goes wrong. Sometimes everything works out, and there's no reason in the world it shouldn't go that way for you. But of course you totally know this. I hope one day you just magically wake up worry free!

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  12. I think this is a natural reaction. Somewhere in my thick skull I sometimes think if I expect the worst then I'll always be prepared, but happy if the best happens...it's not always the best way to look at everything but I feel more protected that way. Keep your chin up! Things are going great...one day at a time and you'll be there before you know it!

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  13. Yay for great news! And here's to more continuing great news! :)

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  14. Oh, I HATE all the extra worrying that we do! If only we could know our little ones will make it here safely we would enjoy every moment of pregnancy so, so much. I just hope the anxiety level takes a dive once our babes are born.

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  15. Yep, I could have written this post. Each time I made it to another milestone I told myself that I'd now worry less because I made it to X. But in reality my anxiety just shifted to something else. I'm still a work in progress. ;-)

    Hang in there and know you aren't the only one.

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  16. The worry is killing me too! I'm still a week away from my NT scan and I'm so convinced we'll end up with bad results - for no good reason except I can't avoid worrying. I'm pleased you got such good results though, and now you can move on to worrying about the next thing. :D

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  17. I think the worry is always going to be there. But, I think you're handling it really well!! And, it's good to remember the likelihood that things are going to be fine!

    sending lots of love!

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  18. Yep, sounds about normal for this community. I hope you can stop waiting for that shoe to drop soon though. It sucks that after all we go through to get pregnant, then we can't even enjoy it.

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  19. Gosh I completely understand your sentiments. After 5 years of TTC (1 of which thru IVF) I finally had a BFP. Unfortunately, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. So when you have ridden this IVF roller-coaster even for a brief time, you end up fretting, worrying and not quite able to relax.

    But all of that aside, do try to relax. You are so very, very fortunate.

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  20. Alex, so very glad that the results came in and that they're so good. The combined result is really significant, and a wonderful sign.

    I don't think it's strange at all to always jump to scary conclusions. I certainly do it plenty. But my fingers are crossed that the farther and farther you get into this pregnancy, the better and better you feel.

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  21. I'm so glad things are going well for you, but I totally understand your nervousness.

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  22. I didn't even breathe a sigh of relief until Babe turned 1 and I still worry, its what makes you a good mama already lovely lady.

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  23. just want to thank you for your continuous support Alex. I hope everything is going well:)

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  24. We have had losses at an early point- I keep hoping (fervently) that when we get well past that point, and hopefully, the pregnancy goes smoothly, we lose a good part of those neuroses. But when we are still in the danger zone, all bets are off.

    So glad everything is going well. Hope the time just flies by!

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  25. Just checking in on you to see how you are doing. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I don't think you will until you get that baby in your arms. I wish nothing but peace for your heart and soul.

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  26. To be honest, I didn't stop worrying that Manny would die inside me until a few minutes AFTER his birth. While I was pushing him out I was still terrified, asking the nurses "is his heartbeat ok? Is he dying!?!" No joke.

    I wish I could tell you some magic trick to take away some of the worry...but I don't have one (if you find one PLEASE pass it on!)

    Unfortunately I think that those of us who have really struggled, and who have done so much research and KNOW all the things that MIGHT go wrong (not that WILL go wrong...important difference to remember)...well it's a lot harder for us to relax and enjoy it.

    I wish you some peaceful moments among all this anxiety!!!

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  27. yea for more good news! The worry is always there, at least it was for me until I actually saw my baby. I hope that you can push the worry away and focus on the positives as much as possible!

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