Friday, July 15, 2011

Making up with my body

I’ve never really liked my body. From being teased at about 11 years old for my gorilla legs (my mother wouldn’t let me shave), to being teased for not having breasts (I developed a little late, but the real issue is I was younger than everyone in my class, as I skipped a grade and had a June birthday), to hating my fat thighs and arms, which started around 11 as well, it has always been a battle. I look back at pictures of myself in high school, when I thought I was fat, and I want to shake that girl – she looked great! I graduated high school at 5’4’’, and weighed 120 pounds. I wanted to lose weight.

In college and grad school, I gained and lost some weight, but it wasn’t too bad. I wasn’t happy with my weight, and wanted to lose, but never seemed to be able to do that. I remember telling my grad school roommate that at least I was stable, and I didn’t think I would ever gain any more. I was 130 pounds.

When I started working, I worked in a public accounting firm, and would work up to 80 hours a week. In public accounting, the joke was that in the same week, we would eat a 5-course meal at a fancy restaurant and a meal from a vending machine, and this was very true. We went out to eat all the time, and brought in meals when working late. I had no time for exercise, and didn’t take care of myself. And getting married and divorced, and having serious depression did not help. About six years after starting work, I was up to 170 pounds. I went on Weight Watchers, lost about 15 pounds, started dating the hubs, and quit public accounting. We were both at our skinniest in awhile when we started dating. But then we started going out to restaurants, and we’re awful influences on each other. We both gained a bunch of weight, and I got up to about 175. Then we got engaged, and both working on being healthier.

For our wedding in 2009, I got down to 160. I would have loved to be skinnier, but I think I looked good. With a good pair of Spanx, I had a flat belly. And even the hubs wore a tank top that held him in a bit at the wedding! We got ready together, and we laughed as both of us struggled to get into our undergarments – we were meant for each other! I had been tanning, so my skin glowed. I felt very pretty, and comfortable in my own skin. But on the honeymoon, I threw away the diet pills that I had been taking, and said I didn’t want to take those anymore. Hubs teased me that I was a stereotype: throwing away the diet pills while pulling out the prenatal vitamins.

Over the next two years, as we tried to have a baby, and did fertility treatments, and got pregnant, and had an ectopic, and then got pregnant, and then miscarried at 8.5 weeks, my weight increased and fluctuated quite a bit. My heaviest was 185 pounds, which was shortly after the D&C. I was disgusted with myself, so I started a “Couch to 5K” program, and promptly sprained my ankle. I hated my body. Not only for the weight, but even more because my body killed my baby. And was completely broken. I felt the worst about myself that I ever have last summer after the miscarriage. I couldn’t get pregnant, and when I did, my body killed the baby, I was fat, and I couldn’t even exercise because of the sprained ankle.

Throughout my life, I have always hated my body. I would feel fat, and unhappy with myself. I hated shopping for clothes, hating how everything looked on me, and waiting until I lost weight to buy clothes, which never seemed to happen. And all this was made worse by my infertility.

I always wanted to become pregnant at a low weight, as I wanted to be one of those cute skinny women with the bowling ball bellies. Skinny arms, skinny legs, big beautiful belly. I am definitely not that woman. But as my belly increases, I’m starting to like my body again. Yes, I have big thighs, big arms, chubby face, etc., but I also have this big beautiful belly that is housing my baby. And my body is nourishing and growing my baby girl, and everything is on track. I am one of the very lucky ones whose skin looks better while pregnant. After about 10 weeks, I have had very minimal blemishes, I don’t have any stretch marks (yet) or linea nigra (yet – I know these can come), and everything is looking good so far! Every morning I lather on some oil over my growing belly, and I love the way it looks, even while naked! (Except for the Lovenox bruises – those are never pretty.) Everything looks so bizarre and funny, and my eyes go to my belly and breasts, instead of the rest of my body. My breasts are big with protruding veins and my nipples look weird, but I know all this is in preparation to feed my baby girl, and I’m so excited that I get to continue to provide nourishment to her even after she’s born. (I hope this goes well!!!)

I’ve received some not-so-lovely comments from people, from my friend telling me I’m really big for 5 months, and it’s going to get a lot worse, to a couple people telling me I’m growing across and they can tell my hips have spread, even from behind! And the hubs doesn’t help – I put something on the other day and asked if it looked ok, and he shrugged his shoulders. I then said I feel like a huge pregnant woman, and he agreed, saying "well that's what you are!" I haven’t seen my mom yet during this pregnancy, but she just told me all about some woman at her gym who was farther along than me and was barely showing at all! So I probably shouldn’t be showing much, right?

But for some reason, for the first time in my life, I don’t care what people are saying. And yes, I still feel fat, but more than that I feel pregnant. And I like that. My body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do, and I love it. When I look in the mirror, I see my belly, and I’m happy to look like a pregnant woman. I started this pregnancy at 178.4 pounds, and this morning on the scale I was 187.4, so I’ve gained 9 pounds at 23 weeks. Yes, it might be a little much for someone who started out with a BMI classification of “Obese” (but just barely!), but I’m fine with it. My weight gain is not out of control, and it’s been steady after an initial weight loss of a few pounds due to morning sickness, and my doc does not seem concerned. I’m reading a book called Big, Beautiful and Pregnant: Expert Advice and Comforting Wisdom for the Expecting Plus-Size Woman, and I like it. There’s nothing ground-breaking in there, but I like the emphasis on being healthy and enjoying your body, rather than being super restrictive and mean, like a lot of the normal books are regarding bigger pregnant women. And I really like the advice on embracing your body with maternity clothes, and the stories from women who finally like their body.

That’s how I feel – for the first time in my life, I’m feeling good about myself and my body. Sure, it would be nice to be skinnier, but right now, I’m happy with my size. I love my belly and my breasts, and all that it means. I guess I’m feeling very confident considering I’m sharing all the weight details on my blog! And I wanted to write this down so later in my pregnancy, when I’m feeling huge (because let’s face it, the time will come), I could re-read this and remind myself to love my body for what it’s doing – it’s making a baby!!! So in honor of my new good feelings about myself, today I took my first pregnancy photos, and I’m sharing them with you. Check out Jackson in the background…



44 comments:

  1. you are adorable!! and i really want to play with that dog! lol I hope you do professional maternity photos. you'll really never regret it.

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  2. Soooo cute! You look fantastic! I love the curious dog in the background too! :-)

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  3. You really do look amazing! And this is a great post! Love the dog!

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  4. You look fabulous, I dream of having your figure, baby bump included!!

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  5. You look SO beautiful and glowing, your story has really strung a cord with me because I too have been struggling with my weight before and after the pregnancies, and I too was envious of the skinny pregnant girls with nothing but bellies (My name is also Alexandra and I have struggled with IF). When I was 15 weeks along with my second, some woman at the playground said "So when are you due, in a couple of weeks or so?" But seriously, looking at your pictures, I can sincerely say you look very beautiful, just don't listen to what all these people are saying and enjoy every minute of your pregnancy!

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  6. Just so there's no doubt, you look completely gorgeous. I'm with you--the pregnant body is a beautiful thing, and I loved my body like never before for those months. I hope that love sticks around. I feel like no-one loves her body, regardless of size, and it's ridiculous! We don't want Alex and Bun Bun feeling this way!

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  7. You look fantastic! You have a very pretty bowling ball =) Every pregnant woman grows at different stages in pregnancy. I have thin and not-so thin friends that showed early and others that showed later...I'm happy to hear you're not leting peoples ridiculous comments get to you. Your exactly right, your body is doing exactly what it's suppose to do and it's beautiful!!!

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  8. Thanks for the post on my blog!

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  9. Yay for you, lady! And screw what people think. And your pup is so cute.

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  10. First, I love your bathroom tile. Second, your dog is really cute. Third, I'm so glad you are enjoying your body and what it's doing. You look great, too. Your belly is the perfect shape. I know some women that still just look a bit plump at this stage. I can relate to the body hate issue. I'm working on a post in my head about my own self image. Thanks for posting this. And again, you look great.

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  11. Well, first I just have to say you look fantastic! And second I have to tell you how much I identified with so much of what you've written here.

    Having lost 30 (of the 45) that I wanted to lose before beginning IVF, I have to tell you that I'm still not happy with my weight and I still feel gigantic. I think unfortunately, it's part of the baggage you keep when you've struggled your whole life with weight and what you *think* your body should look like...

    A friend of mine who has a similar body type to me and happens to be two weeks ahead of me was complaining about a picture that she felt she just looked like "a stuffed sausage" in. And I was telling her truly, that she didn't look chubby or fat - she looked pregnant, right then my husband walked up and told me I should take my own advice. I had been complaining earlier in the day with how fat I felt instead of pregnant... That was a few weeks ago, and just within the last few days I have really started to appreciate my body - EVEN naked! I have very full breasts, and a round(ish) belly and I love it! Even with the shadows of bruising from the Heparin.

    Good for your for making up with your body. I'm working on doing the same!

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  12. You look beautiful! Enjoy the belly (and the boobs)!!!!

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  13. What a cute belly!
    I agree, I struggled with the weight gain at first, but now I LOVE having a huge belly!!!
    I think you look great!!!

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  14. You look great! Good for you for embracing the changes. I have body image issues as well, and gaining 30 pounds stressed me out a bit. It's coming off faster than I thought it would though. And of course the end result is soooo worth it.

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  15. yay, pictures! i think you look incredible. i hate body image shit... there's nothing worse than feeling ugly! unfortunately, it's really hard to avoid that feeling. sigh...

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  16. Great post! Every women (probably every one) has body issues. I've always been thin and complimented for it. I wanted to have a fuller figure.

    I think you look great! Women grow at different rates and sizes during pregnancy. You look perfect for you at 23w! I'm so very happy that you are starting a healthy relationship with your body and image!!

    ps- Love the pup in teh background! Hi Jackson!

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  17. you look wonderful. I am so very happy that this pregnancy is helping you make peace with your body. I hope you continue to feel good both in your health and your skin. much love to you.

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  18. Yeah, for real? You look gorgeous! Seriously, gorgeous! This was a really heartfelt and inspiring post, thank you for sharing all of these thoughts. The previous commenters are so right: we ALL go through this body issue crap and you have such a healthy, positive perspective on it after a very painful, difficult lifetime of coming to this point. Pretty awesome!! xoxo

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  19. I loved this post. I've experienced similar struggles with my weight and we are really close in that height/weight range. You give me hope as I sit right about where you were when you got pregnant with this rainbow baby. You are beautiful and should relish every moment -- you have fought hard to get here.

    Sending much love,
    Jo

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  20. This is such a great post to read! I'm so pleased that you feel good about yourself - and you definitely should be because you look fantastic!

    I've always had a hate/hate relationship with my body but started to actually like it when I was pregnant last. Of course that all came crashing down at 21w but I'm hoping to find that body-love again this time around (if I ever start to look pregnant, that is!).

    We're so hard on ourselves about our bodies but the reality is that even after a fair bit of abuse (alcohol, food, stress...), they take pretty good care of us. And a body that can bring a healthy baby into the world - what could be more perfect than that?

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  21. Hey girl...Im still reading:) Just life is so different now and with my little love still not sleeping through the night and not much of a napper I dont really get to much accomplished these days. Im sorta disconnected and I do want to appologize as you were such a wonderful support to me during my pregnancy but soon enough you will be joining my world but hopefully you can mulit task better than me...I used to be so organized..oh my.

    Anyways you look amazing and I am just over the moon for you that you are having a little girl! You will be an awesome mom and all the pain n suffering of the past will be gone once your holding your miracle. Girl I am just so happy for you. Being a mother is the best gift that God has ever given me!

    Def enjoy this time and cherish all the changes in your body. I sometimes miss my baby bump and let me tell you for most people if you plan on breastfeeding which I am still doing exclusivly the weight just peels off. I havent been on a diet/exercise program other than taking Brycen on walks and I am 4lb thinner than my pre pregnancy weight. Anyways you enjoy this special time!!!

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  22. You look fantastic! I also loved my skin while pregnant. I hadn't even realized how well it was doing until it turned into a desert post-partum :). Anyway, great, great post. I think most women can relate, even those others would consider "skinny."

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  23. You look sooooo good, beautiful girl!! I'm so happy to see that bump!!!

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  24. What a great post, I'm so glad to hear you are embracing all the changes. Pregnant women are beautiful and so are you dear.

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  25. Great post! You look fabulous! I hate being at war with my body! :)

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  26. I'm a lot like you for weight history - same height, about 130 in HS and incremental gains past that. My highest was 226 a few years ago and then I lost about 40. If I manage to get pregnant, I really hope I look as wonderful as you do!! I'm so glad to hear that you're learning to love your body now :) Everyone's pregnancies are so different in terms of showing. It makes me crazy to hear of the hurtful comparisons people make to pregnant women.

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  27. you look great! And I love the dog behind you in the first pic! And don get me started on how much I like your bathroom too...

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  28. I've read a fair number of posts in which women bemoan how fat they feel, despite knowing that their weight gain during pregnancy is normal and healthy. It's a delight to read the opposite from you: that you're really feeling the lve in this body. You look terrific, woman; enjoy it! I'm looking forward to a belly of my own. My boobs, on the other hand, can chill out a little. Take care and keep loving you. xoxo

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  29. YEAH!!!!!!!!!! PREGOO BELLY PICS!!!! YEAHH!!!! and how cute is Jackson?!!

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  30. You are adorable! Oh, and I am jealous...nice soaking tub in the background! I wish my bathroom could accomodate a tub like that!

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  31. Alex, you look beautiful. And I am so glad to read this post. You SHOULD love that body of yours. And as far as being big or small, or whatever, all women carry differently. I don't think I realized it before, but we do.

    If you ever have a chance, there's a wonderful short story by Andre Dubus called "The Fat Girl". The title sounds inflammatory, but it's actually not. It's a beautiful, beautiful story and describes a woman who has struggled with weight all her life going through pregnancy (and a lot of other things besides). She embraced those changes. And she - and you - are right to do so.

    (And people ought to keep their mouths shut regarding where you should or should not be in this...)

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  32. Oh I get so annoyed with people who feel inclined to comment on a pregnant woman's size - 'You're so big!' or 'You're so small!' Don't listen to any of them - only listen to all your bloggy friends who all agree that you look FANTASTIC!!

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  33. You truly look beautiful. Absolutely beautiful!!! :)

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  34. You look so adorable! I'm so glad you're feeling good about pregnancy. It's tough to watch the scale go up, but it sure helps a lot when it's for such a perfect little reason!

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  35. Just had to say that you look beautiful. Enjoy this amazing body that is in the midst of growing your child.

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  36. What a wonderful and honest post. So many can relate to your story, especially the body issues you faced. Can't wait to read more.

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  37. thank you for such an honest post! I need it! I am reading that book too! I have struggled as well..and I really appreciate that I am not alone.

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  38. First I just want to add to everyone else and reiterate that you look beautiful.

    I've been mortified (along with all of those other great feelings associated with hormones, stimming, and being infertile) that the scale has been creeping nothing but up since I started IVF. Prior to this ER my goal was just not to gain anything more-and that is more than what is now the heaviest I've been in my life. Making matters worse, I live in southern california, where size six is considered huge (I'm now probably not an eight and more like a ten), and all of my friends are skinny and fit. Now that I'm on "no exercise" in the 2ww, I've been seriously bummed, because of course my appetite is ravenous. But I think that its worth it to get what we want. Still coming to terms with that statement, but I believe it.

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  39. You look wonderful!!! It is so great to come back to the blogging world and see how wonderful you are doing!! congratulations :)

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  40. You look beautiful! I love your bathroom!

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  41. I found your blog by doing a google search for others that did not suppress on Lupron. Then I read this post and when I scrolled down to the pics I was astounded. You don't look overweight at all to me (not that it would be an issue if you were). I hope that you can continue to love your body even when it is not housing your baby. Pregnancy is amazing but so is breastfeeding and if breastfeeding works out for you, I hope you will love your body for its ability to feed your child. Eventually, I hope you are able to love your body and love yourself just because.

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