Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Back at Work

I can’t believe my maternity leave is over. It went by so quickly. We had the first seven weeks, when I was just trying to figure life out with a newborn. Then three weeks in Colorado staying with the in-laws, completely out of sorts, trying to make it through each day without melting down. Then two weeks at home, working part-time during naps, frantically trying to get my poor baby on some sort of schedule, just so she would sleep a little better at night, and not require someone to hold her all day every day, knowing I was going back to work. Each of these periods of time had their good moments, and their bad, and I wish I could redo this time. Because now I am at work, missing my baby girl, pumping every three hours, exhausted and trying to figure out how I’m going to sustain this life. Why does it have to be so hard?

I have good moments. Last night when I was bathing little Alex, she was happy. She stares at me during the whole bathtime, and I talk to her about my day and how I missed her, and I tell her how much I love her. I play with her, and I watch her as she moves around and splashes water. But the rest of the evening, she was not happy. She’s starting to get real fussy, particularly in the evenings, and I hate it. I miss her good mornings, when she’s full of smiles and happy to play. Now that I’m at work, someone else gets to enjoy those special times in her day. I wake her up in the morning, feed her a bottle, and then hand her off to my MIL, at least this week. Next week I’m hiring a friend’s sister to watch Alex for two weeks, then the hubs is off for three weeks, and then daycare. But I’m happy that I don’t have to drop Alex off for daycare until she’s four months old. It will be on her four month birthday in fact.

But back to Alex’s fussiness. I wonder if it could be because I’m no longer there. I got home last night, and she wouldn’t take a bottle from me. We stopped nursing at every feeding about two weeks ago, and I discovered that she wasn’t eating much at a time. With the hope that my milk supply was increasing, I would nurse her, and then wait for her to show hungry signs before giving her a bottle. And so what I got is a child who wouldn’t eat more that 2-3 ounces at a time, and just snacked all day and night long. Now that we’re on a feeding schedule, I’ve discovered that Alex wants about 5 ounces each feeding, about every 3 hours. With this kind of schedule, she now sleeps during most of the night, only waking up for a dream feed at 10:30 at night, and then around 3 am. Before implementing a schedule, she was waking up on average about 4 times per night. I knew I couldn’t maintain that kind of schedule when I went back to work!

And so we stopped nursing, almost exclusively, about two weeks ago. I pump, and then feed her expressed breast milk or formula for all but one feeding. My plan was to nurse her at 6 pm when I got home from work, and then give her a bottle. Well the last two nights she absolutely refuses to take a bottle from me! I nursed her, she acted like she was done, and so I tried to give her a bottle, and she screamed. Inconsolable crying, which is very unusual for her. Last night I was able to trick her a little before bedtime by nursing her, waiting until she dozed a little, then without her opening her eyes, I stuck a bottle in her mouth and she would drink some. Then she would open her eyes and scream! So miserable. I feel so bad, I really do think this is because she’s out of sorts from me leaving her. I hope it gets better, very soon, because it breaks my heart to see her crying like this.

I know this is a phase, but boy this is hard right now. I’m completely exhausted, and I don’t feel like I’m functioning very well at work, and I feel like an awful mother with my screaming baby at night. I stare at her pictures at work all day long, hoping to get home soon. Oh, and my milk production still sucks so I spend all this time with this stupid pump hooked to me, and I go home after a full work day with about 6 ounces in my cooler – enough for one bottle plus an ounce! Luckily I make more at night, as I can pump about 4 ounces at 3 am, and another 3 ounces at 6 am. In total, I pump about 15 ounces each day, plus nurse her once, so I’m providing around half her total consumption of 30-32 ounces daily. I wish I could do more, but I’m running out of ideas on how to increase production. This part alone has been so incredibly frustrating. Some days I’m at peace with it, knowing I’m doing what I can. But other days, I’m just exhausted and tired of it all, wondering if all this pumping madness is worth it. I want to be able to continue, but this is so hard.

I feel bad, posting out here, knowing that I haven’t even logged onto my blog reader in weeks. But I’m back at work now, and as stupid as it sounds, I know once I catch up and we’re past this super busy phase at work in a couple weeks, I’ll have more time to read blogs. I’ve never been so busy in my life as I have the last few months, and I’ve had to cut some things out. I’m sorry. All I want to do is hold my baby girl. Speaking of, I need to get back to work so I can bolt out of here as soon as possible! Hope you all are doing well!!!

15 comments:

  1. I'm sorry I don't have any advice or anything to add, but I just wanted to say that it's good to read an update from you! I hope things calm down soon for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (((Hugs))) I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Sending lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs, Alex. It must be very hard. You really haven't had a chance to catch your breath. I'm glad you've been able to consolidate her feedings a bit more - this also made a difference for us sleeping wise. One thing to check out on the pumping/lactation front: domperidone. It's regularly prescribed in Europe, New Zealand, etc.. and you can order it from abroad. Did wonders for my supply. Not sure how late you can start but I think you still might be able to reap the benefit from it.

    Makes sense that she'd be out of sorts with this change in routine. And makes sense that you would be, too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I felt the same way! She's happiest in the morning and I miss it, and fussiest at night and that's what I get to come home to. It does get better though! Soon she will smile that big toothless grin when you walk in the door and it will melt your heart! I wish I had some advice for milk production, but I always had to supplement and quit pumping once I went back to work after 12 weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sending much love your way. This sounds exhausting and overwhelming. I hope things ease up soon as everyone gets used to the new schedules.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sure it's very, very exhausting. I will be there in a few months and I'll probably feel the exact same way. I'm sending you hugs and want you to know that I have confidence in you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hang in there Alex! It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, and I am sure the fussy period will end soon. Maybe you need to try different nipple sizes/shapes/hole diameters?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Alex, I feel this way, too. A is fussier at night and I hate that after working all day, I come home to that when someone else gets her happy times. I know it's all part of it, but still.

    It sounds like you're doing a great job. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. It sounds like she is having a little separation anxiety. Just keep trying to pump as often as you can. That's what will help your milk production. I pumped almost exclusively for the last few months that I was nursing. There's also an herbal tea called 'Mother's Milk' that you can try. It tastes disgusting, so you'll have to add some honey to it to make it a little sweeter.

    I hope work slows down a bit. Just know that you are doing the best you can. It's a phase that will pass. I hope baby Alex will get on a good schedule for you!

    ReplyDelete
  10. my maternity leave flew too. i have been back to work for a month and i still can't believe it has come and gone! it is sooo hard to work full-time and have a little baby. i have been struggling with pumping at work as well... it's tough, but i have faith that it is going to get better for both of us!

    thinking of you today. especially while pumping at my desk ;)

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  11. My husband and I have already talked about how hard it will be on me to go back to work and I'm not even pg yet. We have also talked about how it will change his afternoons and evenings, too. I can't imagine how tired you must be. Babies are exhausting but adding work into the mix must make it seem impossible at times. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and I know that little Alex will be just fine. You will get through this just as you have gotten through the last few months. You are so strong and resiliant...don't be so hard on yourself. You are a great mommy and little Alex knows that, she just doesn't know that she knows it. :-) Hugs to you both!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Those first months are so hard...I also wish I could go back and re-do maternity leave. And the transition back to work is tougher than I ever imagined it could be. The good news is that it does get better. My daughter was very fussy in the evenings too and I felt like I was giving the best part of her day over to her caregivers at daycare =( Around 5 or 6 months, when she moved to two naps a day, she started getting happier in the evenings and it's been great ever since. For the first month I was back at work (came back when she was 12 weeks) I thought about quitting at least 10 times a day. In a perfect world I would have loved to be home until she was a year old...but it got significantly easier around 6 months. Until then I think you just put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can. You do get use to the new routine but it takes some time {{{HUGS}}}

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nothing to add but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. *hugs* Working and having a baby is hard work. I so know what you mean in feeling that someone else gets to have the time with them when they are in a good mood and you get the tired and cranky times. Your not alone.

    ReplyDelete