Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Going Home

I always wondered if this was a good idea - leaving home for three weeks with my husband, my newborn and my two dogs and staying with my in-laws. Three weeks later, finally leaving tomorrow to go home, I can definitely say this was a very very bad idea. 

The drive from Houston to Denver wasn't bad. Amazingly, our little Alex was great in the car. She slept for most of the way. I was able to pump and feed her bottles, and so we only stopped for diaper changes. We were planning on stopping overnight in Amarillo, but we made such good time and was able to get to the in-laws by midnight. On the way back, we're planning on stopping for the night, which is probably a good idea. But I'm incredibly anxious to get home!

Being at the in-laws was fine. My MIL is great. Every morning I would get up to feed Alex and then my MIL would have "Grammy time" when she would hold Alex and I would get a leisurely shower and get ready. I really didn't even need anything like a swing because MIL wouldn't allow Alex to be on her own. I'm a little worried about transitioning to be a little independent, especially considering I'm about to start working. So like I said, my in-laws were great, and never once complained about our stuff being all over the place or anything. But it's hard being in someone else's home. I miss my space and my privacy. I miss my alone time. I miss not having to be pleasant to everyone, which if I'm completely honest, I wasn't exactly pleasant the whole three weeks. Being out of our element can make anyone go a little or a lot nuts...

I feel like I need to address the big white elephant in the room. For those of you that follow me in your reader, I posted an entry, and then deleted it. I wrote it in the middle of the night and at a very low moment, and after a little sleep I decided that maybe it was best if I didn't have that stuff on my blog. But I forgot about the reader, and the fact that it still got pushed out even if I later deleted it. I'm so embarrassed that you all know about that night. I've always tried to be incredibly open and honest on this blog, but some things feel too raw and exposed. But I have to say thank you to some really lovely ladies who gave me such support and love over the Internet. Both on comments on my blog as well as via email, I have never felt support like I have in the last week. I haven't had the nerve to tell anyone in real life what actually happened that night, but you ladies know and still show me love, and for that I thank you. Yes, my hubs and I talked the next day and agreed that this kind of thing can never happen again. Yes, I believe him. Yes, we still have a lot to work out. And yes, I will be setting up a meeting with my therapist to discuss it. No, he will not go to therapy, I've asked him to go in the past to no avail. 

I'm worried about my relationship with my husband. Like so many other women, I'm very disappointed with his lack of involvement when it comes to parenting our child. He has lots of opinions, but when it comes to actually assisting, he's unwilling. But I'm working on being specific in my requests for assistance, and I've actually been able to have a productive conversation about him doing more. I just hate that he's the one "helping". Why is he helping? Shouldn't he just be "doing" like I am???

Ok, rant over. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm OK, Alex is OK, and I can't thank you enough for the love and support you have shown me. I've been part of this blogging world for almost two years, and I continue to be amazed at how fulfilling friendships can be, even if I've never met any of you. 

24 comments:

  1. I'm sure you are excited to get back to your own space!! I hope things continue to lookup for you! Happy new year!

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  2. I'm glad you are going to be home!!! I had a hard time with my parents coming t my place, I can't imagine the other way around!

    I hope he begins doing more and because he wants to not because you have to ask.

    Maybe he just isn't comforatable with babies and it will improve?

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  3. Glad you're okay! I've been thinking about you.

    I agree that sometimes men just need babies to be able to "play" more with them for them to feel more bonded and do more for them. But then again...being super specific about what you request makes a big difference for me.

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  4. Have a safe trip home, must feel so good to get back in your own space again. That alone I hope can make a lot of difference. I'm always puzzled by men that are helping rather than doing, but maybe it's the insecurity with infants and that the woman is feeding and all that. Hope things get better and your hubby understand you (and Alex) need more than helping now and then.

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  5. I didn't see the post that you are referring to, but I'm glad to hear that you are all OK. I bet you are ready to get home, 3 weeks away from home with a new baby is a long time! As far as the situation with your husband, like others said maybe he just hasn't connected with the baby like you have yet. I think it can take guys longer, and hopefully he will come around soon.

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  6. Thanks for posting - I've been thinking about you a lot! Much love.

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  7. You've been on my mind. I did see that post, but when it went down, I didn't want to invade your privacy by commenting, It's good to hear that you have a plan to talk to your therapist with your husband.

    I hear you on wanting to be in your own space, even though your in-laws have been great hosts. I would probably feel a lot the same. (((Hugs)))

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  8. So happy you are getting back home and back to your own space! I didn't see the post you took down...sounds like a very tough night though {{{HUGS}}}

    It was also surprising to me how much child care fell to me. My DH and I share everything 50/50 (cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.) and this was such a shocker. Many times I've said "how did I end up being the baby project manager". My DH will help with anything if asked but it doesn't come to him as naturally. I think it might just be biology. Good luck working things out!

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  9. I missed the late night blog but I will say that having a baby REALLY bringsout a lot of issues in a marriage that we would never see otherwise. That doesnt mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean that there may be a SERIOUS press required on your part to adjust, to communicate your needs, and to remain loving. And MANy days you may feel like that hard work is not being rewarded or even acknowledged. But keep pressing anyway. Because in the end you will recieve the fruits of your labor and your marriage is worth it. love you hun!

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  10. Glad to see you back to posting! I've been thinking a lot about you lately and was worried.

    I have to say that I'm disappointed that you have to be the one to go to therapy and he refuses to. You're not the only one who needs to put forth the effort, you know. But I *am* glad that you're going to talk it out with your therapist. Out of all the advice you have received/are going to receive, her advice is that one that counts the most. She's the unbiased expert in the whole matter. I hope that things continue to go well for you in the future from now on. :)

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  11. I didn't see your late night post but I can tell the 1st year of a child's life is really tough on marriages. No sleep and many men (my husband) carry on with their life as if nothing has changed. WTF?! I can say that as little Alex gets more verbal and wants to play with her dad he will proably get more involved (as my husband has) but its still very frustrating, many hugs to you.

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  12. I was trying to figure out your email and couldn't. I was thinking of you as well. I am glad to hear you talked things through. That's rough. I hope you guys can work things through. Lots of hugs and love to you.

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  13. I'm so glad to see this post. Sending much love your way. I've been thinking about you a lot. I understood why you took the post down, but I want to make sure that you know that you have my support through anything. I'm glad you were able to talk things through a bit.

    So glad you're headed home. I can't imagine 3 weeks that way. I was ready to kick my parents out of my house after 3 days. That's too much togetherness!!

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  14. I've been thinking of you. I saw your post, but didn't want to say anything since you took it down. Hugs to you. A baby is tough on a marriage. DH and I were very strong before having E and even we have struggled a bit. I guess you just have to keep in mind that it goes with the territory. A baby is a huge lifestyle change. Hopefully your therapist can help you through it.

    Sounds like you otherwise did pretty well at the ILs. There is no way in hell I could spend more than a couple of days--and that would be really pushing it--with mine. (See my last post. Sigh...)

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  15. I'm glad everything is going better. Some of these moments are all like, "Thank God for infertility." Because shit can get ROUGH. I don't know how women cope, those previously-annoying-fertiles who got pregnant before they even really decided for sure that they wanted a baby. Aren't you now sort of perversely GLAD you know how much WORSE the alternative of no baby is, to the unexpected trials and tribulations of parenting? Well, that's how I often feel anyways. Infertility gives wonderful perspective on the rough spots. I'm sorry you and the hubbs had that moment, but honestly I think most marriages have one or two such skeletons. Especially under pressure of visiting relatives and too much rich food and drink. I hope you guys can put it behind you, as you adjust to this huge change (which brings new awareness of new faults!!!). By the way, here is a way to permanently remove deleted posts from Google reader:

    http://crsouza.blogspot.com/2010/03/partial-least-squares-analysis-and.html

    very handy! ;)

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  16. I didn't see your late night post, but I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you are on your way home and hope you have the best year ever with Baby Alex. Sending love your way!!!!

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  17. So glad to see this update! I admit, I have been stalking you ;)

    I am glad you guys are home and can get back to normal. Take care of yourself. xoxo.

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  18. Hi sweetie, I didn't read the late night post (it was already deleted when I clicked on the entry) and was worried for you. I'm glad you are working things out and know that you are not alone. A new baby does change things a lot, I got angry at Mike so many times for things I thought he should do and didn't. It does get better. Love, Fran

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  19. I actually did something with my hubby to make him more confident.... I gave him no choice. I would run an errand or go somewhere and leave him with the kiddo so he got comfy and now he's a pro. Great things take some time. Hope you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Love the one month photos lady, she's so gorgeous!

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  20. I am glad that you are doing okay and are back in your own own. Give yourself credit for three weeks with new baby at your MIL's, no matter how much you like her!
    I hope things are okay with you and the hubs. Sending you lots of love & strength.

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  21. So glad to hear that you are doing okay and I hope that things continue to improve with you and your husband.

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  22. I hope your homecoming was good. It's such a relief not to have to be pleasant with everyone...I agree. Ah, family visits:)

    I didn't catch that post, and so all I can say is that I hope - very much - that things are better. And that you are okay.

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  23. Thinking of you and hoping things improve soon. You deserve a partner in parenting.

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