I have a plethora of family members, thanks to being a child of divorce as well as being adopted. Let’s see, I have seven parents (mom, dad, step-mom, step-dad, birth mom, birth dad, and birth step-mom (I guess that’s what you would call it!)). And I have five siblings that I know of (half-brother (guy I grew up with, not related by blood since I was adopted but dad’s son from his first marriage), step-brother and step-sister from my step-dad, step-brother from my step-mom, and half sister (blood relation) from my birth mother but I’ve never met her). I think there’s another half sister somewhere out there from my birth father, but he gave her up for adoption too. Anyone confused yet? But with all these siblings, I don’t have anyone with whom I’m close. I grew up with my brother (half-brother, dad’s kid with first wife), so that’s the only one with whom I’ve had a real relationship, but we don’t talk much. I haven’t seen him in probably seven or eight years. When I was 12, and he was 16, he ran away from our home to live with his mother in California. Once he got there, he got into drugs and such, and ended up in jail and then rehab. He has bounced around jobs, girlfriends, and rehab since. We now keep in contact via Facebook, but I just found out on Facebook that he visited his mother (dad’s first wife) in Houston, THE TOWN I LIVE IN, for a week – last week! And he didn’t contact me. And his mother, whom I’m also friends with on Facebook, didn’t contact me either! Both of these people know that I live here, and I’ve expressed interest in getting together with his mother, but no, they didn’t call me at all. I’m hurt, and so disappointed that I had the opportunity to see my brother again, but for some reason they didn’t think to contact me.
I wish I could say I was surprised, but I guess I’m not. We haven’t had a relationship in a long time. Really since he ran away when he was 16. I used to look up to him, and because we lived in the mountains away from many people, we hung out together, more than the typical brother/sister four years apart. He was my true brother for eight years (age 4 when I was adopted through 12 when he ran away), and I miss him. It’s now 24 years later, but I miss having my brother in my life.
I’ve always been jealous of those with close sibling relationships. It’s good to have someone in your life that will always be there, and you can be more yourself with than your parents. Also when our parents leave our lives, which inevitably happens with time, our siblings will still be around. I technically have five (maybe six) siblings, and I’m not close with any of them. This makes me sad, and I wish for something different for my Alex. I hope she can have siblings in her life, and that she is close with them. I hope she develops relationships with them that will last a lifetime.
I needed this reminder this week. Once again, the hubs is not helping out at home. He was really good after his three weeks of Daddy Daycare, but somehow he forgot what he learned while home with Alex, that it takes a lot to run our household. And maybe I got too reliant on him helping out around home, because I asked for something unusual – sleeping in on a weekend morning. He has slept in almost every weekend morning since Alex has been born, but I haven’t done it once. I won’t go into all the details, but it did not go well – at all. And since then I’ve been back to my status of single mom with a husband, because he got pissed and he shows his anger by not doing anything. Which sucks. The first place that my mind goes to is I will not do this again – I won’t have another baby and have to take care of everything by myself. For a couple of days, I kept repeating in my head that I won’t have another baby – it’s too much work by myself. But then, I saw that Facebook update about my brother being here in Houston, and I realized that I want something better for my child. I want her to know the joy and companionship that a sibling can bring to her life. And that to deny her this because I don’t want the additional work that will come with another baby when I don’t have a husband who helps out much is selfish. And so I will continue with our plan: after Alex is a year old, at which time I will finally quit breastfeeding, I’ll go back to the RE and arrange an FET. We are so lucky to have five frozen embryos waiting for us, and I will do my best to turn those into a baby. (But what if I have twins or more? Can you imagine the work involved with multiples AND a toddler? Oh God, someone talk me off a ledge…)
Of course, this all assumes that I can have another baby, which we all know is a BIG assumption…
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That's a lot of family tree to try and follow. I'm sorry your brother didn't contact you when he was in town. Maybe he wasn't in a good place and didn't want you to see him that way?? Just a thought. But whatever the reason may be, I hope he can make more an effort next time.
ReplyDeleteAnd your hubs being a slacker again is so sad. I hope he realizes that the only one he is hurting is baby Alex. She needs her father to spend time with her AND to help you out too. Don't worry about Alex having a sibling. You will know when the time is right. There are a lot of 'only child(ren)' out there who turn out perfectly normal.
Ugh! I am sorry about your brother not calling you. And I'm sorry about your husband slacking-- I wonder if he's feeling overwhelmed by the transition to parenthood? Or what? I mean, he must be going through some negative emotions to check out of his responsibilities like that. Or maybe he just can't handle a lot of work/stress, so if he's working, he can't come home and face more duties? I don't know, what do you think his problem is? I hope things improve soon....
ReplyDeleteThat's a bummer that your brother didn't think to call you, but I'd like to think it was because it simply slipped his mind that you lived so close. I'm not sure how much you actually communicate on FB, so maybe that's a stretch. And I would like to find the perfect dad out there that steps up to do things around the house without asking, gives the mom a much deserved break, and does it with no backlash. I've read what seems like a lot of blogs lately discussing this very topic and so far I haven't seen one comment that says "my husband does it all," rather they are "I totally agree!" What is it about our guys? You have good times and then they revert back to their old ways. I'm sorry...
ReplyDelete^I was thinking the same thing. What if he is in a bad place and doesn't want to bring you down or is just embarrassed? Every time I didn't see someone it was because of me and had nothing to do with them.
ReplyDeleteI had one sister and we didn't have a typically relationship since we had different mothers. It was hard to accept it would never be what I wanted it to be. I am lucky to have several cousins who are like brothers and sisters to me. I think sometimes we have to look outside of the normal relationship boxes to find the connections we crave.
I'm with you on the second kid. I want a second one but I do some much of the work now. Hubby is mostly useless. We are still working on that topic. I'm waiting until Phi is one and starting the adoption process for the second. I don't want them too far apart. I figure I want a second and I'm willing to do the work. Sucks he isn't more helpful but he is more helpful than I thought he would be. I'm just going to have to accept the way it is and move on with what I want. I think he might be more useful when she can ask him for help and reaches for him more. Right now I am her main go-to and I think it hurts his feelings some. I might be dreaming. We shall see.
The husband not helping makes things so much harder on you. I'm so sorry, Alex. I would like to smack him with the common sense stick I carry and say, "the lady needs a nap!" Sheesh. I have the thought as well on the siblings without even having one popped out yet, hoping against all hopes that we even get a shot at another one.
ReplyDeleteI am close to my sister, but not in that Hallmark sort of way. Family is always complicated, and it seems you've got one that makes it hard to keep track of. I'd be very irritated that my brother, no matter how convoluted the relationship to me, did not even pop in or call when he was within a few miles.
I just want to point out that being an only child is very different from losing a sibling. You feel loss because you were separated from your brother. I'm sorry you missed him when he was in town.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I do remember you mentioning wanting more than one child in multiple blog posts. And with 5 frozen embryos, I relate to feeling like you should try for another. It will be really tough to parent and work without help from your husband. That just sucks and I hate it--and you are not selfish for thinking about how another baby will add more stress to your life and relationship. You are smart to do so. We all know who the selfish one is. How does he feel about trying again?
Lots of love
that sucks your brother didn't let you know he would be in town. as others have said, hopefully he had a reason... either way, still hurtful. family, especially siblings, can be so complicated.
ReplyDeleteas for the hubs... i hate that you have so much on your plate. it's unfair and of course is going to make you think about what life would be like with two babies and no help! praying this situation improves. in the meantime, i am thinking about you.
I have days like that with my husband too. He is great about getting up with BB on the weekends, but he doesn't help out much around the house. There are nights where I sit there and hate stay-at-home-moms who complain about how much they have to do, because I have to do everything they do but in the precious few hours/weekend that I'm not at my full-time job, which including driving to work and a lunch break keeps me away from home for 10 hours a day/5 days a week.
ReplyDeleteBaby Alex is still a baby, and for some reason men are dumb and useless when new babies come into the household. I have friends who can attest to that, and one who said the same things you are right now when we were at lunch today. All I can say is that men need a boot up the @$$ when it comes to helping out around the house when babies are born. Its like a universal truth or something.
And while your hubs is being a jerk right now, we all know you still want more kids, even if you get twins. So in those moments where you think you don't know if you can handle any more because he doesn't help out (and believe me, I have the EXACT same thought process with my husband), just remind yourself that IF it came to that (which it won't), you CAN do it yourself because being a mother is your dream, and as a mother, we will always find a way to make it work.
In the meantime, give your hubs a giant kick in the pants, steal the credit card, and go do some retail therapy to fill the gap he's leaving by being a jerk. :D
I really hope for your sake that your husband did not get physical with you again. Please take care of yourself and your baby. The cycle of abuse will only get worse. Make sure you have an exit plan.
ReplyDeleteAlex I had to wait a couple of days before commenting as your husband behaviour made me so furious...Normally at weekends we sleep in a day each (and by sleeping in I mean 9.30 not 1pm!) and I simply cannot voice loud enough how I think he is selfish and childish. You already have two children. i wish I was there to help you out. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteokay! Are all men like this! Why is it like this! WHy do they think they can get away with it! In my relationship, I have chosen sleep before sex! The reason why I say that is because if I just demand that he helps me. This is no question. I guess..I am a "bitch" because I have to be to get help. My husband has had his moments of help, but If I am in the other room and the baby is crying and not stopping,he does nto run in. SO I demand help...I give him the baby and go into the other room. I think he secretly hates me for this..but 1) I need my sleep 2) he needs to bond with the baby. As for the sibling..the sad thing is my brother and dad live 20 minutes away and ignore me and flake when I plan things. You are not alone with wanting that bond. I get so envious when I see it with siblings. I always feel so connected with your posts:)
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