Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Return of My (in)Fertility


I had a nice break.  Between pregnancy and breastfeeding, it was nice to be without periods, without looking at my body for signs of fertility, without wondering if I could be pregnant.  But alas, that time has passed.  A little less than a month after quitting breastfeeding, and exactly six months after my daughter was born, my period came back.  With a fucking vengeance…

And even though I really don’t want to be pregnant right now (oh my god, can you imagine a six month old while pregnant?  How about a newborn and a 14 month old???  Scary!!!) I was a little sad when I saw that first bloody tinge.  Because two weeks ago when I saw the gobs of egg whites in my undies, I did what any good infertile does.  I headed to the bedroom and attacked my husband…  How quickly we get drawn back into the TTC world.  I have spent the last two weeks wondering, and even the hubs asked, “Could we be pregnant?”  And we allowed ourselves to fantasize about having a second child so quickly.  The biggest fantasy is being able to get pregnant so easily, without going through the torture of last time.  I’ve spent the last two weeks fantasizing about becoming that urban myth that all the infertiles hate.  “I once knew this woman who struggled to have her first baby, and then she just relaxed, and bam!  She was pregnant – even before getting her period again!”  Oh wouldn’t that be amazing???

But instead, here I sit at work (because I can’t take any time off – I have almost no PTO after my kid was sick!) in agony from cramps, the kind that I never remember having, running to the bathroom every hour to change my tampon (the super kind!), in misery.  And resigning myself to the fact that we are officially back on the TTC bandwagon.  Well kind of.  I absolutely refuse to take my temperature, or chart anything.  But I’m hyper aware of the signs my body puts out, and we have agreed that we’ll spend the next six months trying naturally.  And as soon as Alex turns 1, we’ll go back to the RE for a consult about doing FET’s.  Or maybe before so we can be ready to do the FET shortly after her birthday.  This time down the TTC road, I have a very important safety net: 5 lovely embryos waiting for me on ice.  The original plan was to not even try naturally at all, and do FET’s after I weaned Alex at a year old.  But since breastfeeding was quit abruptly, our plans have changed. 

I’m resolved to do it differently this time, especially during the 6 months of natural TTC’ing.  I will not take random supplements other than prenatals and extra folic acid for my MTHFR.  I will not stick a thermometer in my mouth.  I will not get a subscription on Fertility Friend.  I will not pee on anything – ovulation stick or otherwise.  This is TTC Light, and I hope it calms my shit a bit.  I need to keep telling myself that having a baby so quickly after Alex will be hard – I don’t want it as much, or as urgently, and hopefully that will kill the obsession a bit.

Why start so quickly?  Because I HATE TTC.  I want it to be done.  There are other reasons: I want Alex to have a sibling that is close, I’m not getting any younger, blah blah blah.  The real reason is I want to be DONE with this part of my life.  I hate every second that this goes on.  Yes, I want another child, but I don’t want the obsession that I can’t seem to control when it takes over my life.  I think this time it should be easier, as my life is filled with my little girl.  I know that no matter what happens, I will have her in my life, so it doesn’t seem as bad if we fail on this TTC journey.  Last time, I was wondering when it would end, when I could stop living my child-free life.  But now, I will always have my little Alex, and although I feel like our family is not yet complete, it’s not the end of the world if we don’t have another child.  But we have to try, and so it begins…

18 comments:

  1. UGHHHH I hate reading this post because I want to believe that it's easier once you have a baby at home! My husband keeps saying "three years". Three years and we can try again. I know I will have a very hard time with those three years unless I'm on BCP every single month!

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    1. I completely agree! I think that there is something that was turned on in my brain throughout this whole process that I can't just turn it off and go with the flow. Even after we're done with TTC, I'm going to have to go on birth control, or get fixed, or something, so I'm not wondering every single month! Crazy town...

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  2. I guess we'll be on the TTC(#2) wagon together! Like you said, I'm ready for this part of my life to be over too, but something tells me it'll be a while before it is. In the meantime, we will enjoy our miracle babies right?!

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  3. Good luck! Even though I know we're DONE TTC naturally, or unnaturally for that matter I still can't help but have the fantasy...and just an FYI...my mother in law had my hubby and SIL 14 months apart..when asked WHY she said "Jake needed a playmate..." Uh hum...LOL.

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  4. I have found having a baby doesn't make thinking about trying for #2 any less stressful. #2 for us will be just as wanted as #1 and just as much a miracle when he or she arrives. I am sorry that for you, for me, for so many, it's just not easy. Sigh.

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  5. Ugggg we haven't even had #1 and people are asking what we are going to do about #2 and when. I can't even think that far! I don't think we will even discuss until almost one year after baby girl comes. I can't go back to that right now, but we also don't have any frosties :(. Fingers crossed of ryou!

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  6. I totally understand. Our FET is coming up in July. GL on the TTC lite!!!

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  7. Alex... i hear you! i haven't had a return of my (in)fertility yet, but i have STILL had crazy-making thoughts every time we have sex... such as "oh, maybe i haven't gotten a period bc we caught the first ovulation since having A... it can't be because i'm still breastfeeding... or because i don't ovulate on my own..."

    crossing my fingers for TTC lite. glad you have the embryos and a good plan in place. praying TTC #2 doesn't make us lose our minds ;)

    xoxo

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  8. I'm starting to get that itch again too. Of course I would be ecstatic if it happened naturally but in a perfect world I think I'd rather wait a few more months before actually getting pregnant. Even still, the thoughts race through my head about timing, cycles, etc. I haven't tracked anything yet and I really hate to have to go down that road again...I'm ready for it to be over too.

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  9. I am keeping everything crossed that you may get a surprise BFP. It happens you know? Love, Fran

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  10. It's hard to contemplate getting back into that particular saddle again, and I know what you mean about wanting to be past all of it. But I agree with Fran - a surprise BFP CAN happen.

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  11. I hope that "they" are right that sometimes pregnancy can restart your body and rebalances hormones,etc. I couldn't imagine going back through trying any time soon. I hope things go well and you at least don't go TTC crazy!

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  12. yup, I hear you. I don't want to face that shit again, EVER. I'm putting it off, but I still dread ttc again, when we do get back to it. I agree, it will be nice to have the final pregnancy behind us. I wish i had twins and could be done now! As sad as that sounds, since I do want to have the wonderful experience of early-motherhood again.

    I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for that bfp for you, sooner rather than later.

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  13. oh I feel you on all of this! I got my period back while breastfeeding and we're doing trying naturally thing and it's actually been sort of easy for me because I don't think I'll get pregnant, but as the months get closer to when we go back for treatments, I'm sure I'll start feeling more of those familiar pangs. Hope TTC naturally works for you (how amazing would that be?!) but if not, those 5 frosties are waiting for you!

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  14. I sooo felt the same way about having number 2 which turned into 2 and 3. Yeah, you'd make an awesome mama of twins... hehe.

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  15. Good luck. I hope this time it's much easier!

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  16. I would say welcome back, but it's not really fun being back. I think you have the right attitude though. I went private, so email me if u want to still follow. 4 blasts on board, going crazy on bed rest right now post transfer.

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  17. Oh dear, I am not looking forward to this. Part of me just keeps breastfeeding so I do not need to face it. Sorry I have not written in a while, I have been lurking around but not posting. Your baby is beautiful!

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