Planning for #2

With mixed feelings, we went to the fertility doc on Friday.  I told hubs that I would go, hear what he has to say, with no promises on timing.  I don’t know why, I’m just not super excited about doing all this again.  I’m loving my life right now, and I’m afraid of screwing anything up…

Anyway, we met with the doc, which was actually a new doc.  Apparently the guy that runs the practice that treated me for the 3 IUI’s, a fresh IVF and a FET is taking a step back in the practice, and only doing surgeries.  So I now have a younger doc, which is fine.  I’m hoping that this should be an easy process.  Hopefully…  In the words of my new doc, “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.”  We’re going to follow the same protocol that we followed in the successful FET:

-When AF comes, go in for day 3 baseline.  If all goes well, then start BCPs.  Take these for about 3 weeks.  During those weeks, get a hysteroscopy and biopsy.  He said that both hysteroscopies and biopsies have been shown to increase pregnancy rates for IVF. 

-Stop BCP’s, and then AF will show up again.  Day 3 baseline, then start estrogen pills and patches to build up my lining.  Start baby aspirin and Folgard at the same time as estrogen (for MTHFR). 

-About 7-10 days prior to transfer, get intralipid infusion (for NK cells.  Now that I’m thinking about it, it would be smart to get this tested again, considering pregnancy can affect NK cells.  Ugh.  Probably won’t unless this FET fails…).  I will need to have this done at home using a home nurse since the office won’t give me an IV infusion.

-Transfer 2 embryos.  Start Lovenox (for MTHFR) upon transfer.  We talked a lot about the possibility of twins, and how their office is encouraging everyone to do a single transfer, but given our history (1^st IVF with 2 embryos didn’t work, and 1^st FET with 2 embryos made a singleton) we’re going to try with two embryos.  To be honest, I’m petrified of twins.  I used to want twins, back when I didn’t have any babies.  And I still would have loved to have twins.  But now that we’ll have a toddler when the next one(s) comes along, I can’t imagine going through the newborn phase with two babies and a toddler.  Oh well, if it happens, we’ll just deal with it.  My marriage may not survive it (only half-joking) but we’ll figure it out.  Right?

-Upon a positive beta, get a 2nd intralipid infusion.  Take Lovenox, baby aspirin and folgard until the end of pregnancy.

-Whole thing is about $5K.

Currently the plan is to start this whole process when AF comes next.  Which considering it’s now day 25…  Ugh.

To say my heart is not in it is an understatement.  It’s not that I don’t want another child – I do.  And although it seems a little quick, and some people think it will be too much to handle to have two babies under two years old, that’s not really the issue either.  (Although three babies under two terrifies me…)  The real thing is I just don’t want to go through all this again.  The trying part.  The hysteroscopy, and going to the doctor, and all that crap.  Taking precious days off from work to have the procedures done.  The coordination.  The wondering, the waiting.  And then when/if I actually get pregnant, the fear.   What if I lose another baby?  And going through all of this while being the best mother possible to Alex.  How do I do that? 

The other thing that’s distracting me, thank goodness, from all this fertility stuff, is I’m super into exercising right now.  I can’t believe I actually just said that – this is definitely not normal for me.  But about a month ago, I started the couch to 5K program, but would sputter around and start and stop for a few weeks.  But then I signed up for an online boot camp run by this program.  It started a week ago, and holy cow!  It’s incredible.  I work out six days per week, for about 30 minutes a day, but it’s intense.  My goodness it’s intense.  It’s all about interval training and strength training, but using only your body weight as resistance.  There are daily missions, videos to watch, and written assignments to do.  Because the boot camp is more about the mental issues of weight loss than it is about nutrition and exercise.  One of the early missions asked us to put percentages by each area that is causing us to not reach our fitness and weight loss goals: (1) lack of fitness knowledge, (2) lack of nutrition knowledge, and (3) lack of mental muscles (your negative voice is constantly feeding you excuses to use to blow off workouts and eating correctly).  Um yeah, that last one there.  About 100%...  So that’s what the boot camp attacks – my negative voice.  There are checklists, and online community support and all that.  I’m so committed, and loving it.  Something about this time is different – I’m finally addressing the cause of my weight issues – my negative voice.

So one week down for boot camp, and I had my first weigh-in this morning.  Unlike any other week in my whole life (with the exception of the week I gave birth to my little one of course…) I lost 4.8 pounds.  In one week!  I’m not starving myself – in fact, I think I’m eating more than ever by following the guideline of eating every 2-3 hours.  But I’m making better nutrition choices.  The biggest thing is I’m dragging myself out of bed every morning at 5:00 am and really working out!  It’s the only time of day that I can really commit to have the time to myself.  Alex is still sleeping, and I know I can get a wonderful workout in before doing anything else.  It’s hard – so freakin’ hard.  But like the coach of the boot camp says, if this wasn’t hard, over half of America wouldn’t be overweight. 

This program lasts 8 weeks, and I would really like to finish it.  Or at least get most of it done.  I talked with the doc about exercise, and I liked how specific he was.  My old doc would say something like “you can moderately exercise.”  What is that exactly?  This new doc said the exercise restrictions start when I start the estrogen pills and patches and “You can exercise for no more than 30 minutes per day, and your heart rate shouldn’t be over 140 beats per minute.”  During the workout sessions, I’m topping out at 170ish, but with those guidelines, I could tailor a moderate workout within the bootcamp instructions.  But do I want to?

Depending on when the next cycle comes, I may or may not push off the FET.  Hubs thinks we should start right away, and we probably will.  But if AF shows up in the next few days, or anytime this week, I don’t know if I’ll be ready to give up this boot camp three weeks from now.  I know I won’t be able to sustain an almost 5 pound per week weight loss going forward, but this is about more than weight loss.  It’s about being healthy.  It’s about taking back my body after years of fertility treatments, and pregnancy, and the incredibly frustrating process of breast feeding.  I want to have this time where I control my body.  Every day, my muscles hurt in different ways, but it makes me so happy.  Every painful step reminds me of the time I spent outside in the dark, running.  Or jumping around in my living room, following an online video.  Or forcing myself to do yet another push up.  I’m so proud of myself for getting myself out of bed and doing this – every day.  It gives me a sense of pride, of accomplishment, that dragging myself to the doctor for another test, another procedure, never did.  I know I’m only a week in, but I’m so excited, so shocked by the results, that I can’t wait until the next week to see what happens.  What new muscle will I discover?  How much longer will I be able to run?  (I ran for 8 minutes nonstop on Saturday – this is HUGE for me!) 

Yes, I want another baby.  But right now, I want to do this.  I want a better me.

Why Not Now?

The hubs, Alex and I were sitting having dinner last night – all three of us!  This rarely happens, as usually hubs gets home from work right before bedtime.  And usually we eat on the couch, watching TV.  But last night he was home early, and dinner was actually ready at the same time Alex usually eats, so all of us sat down to eat – it was fabulous.  We did something that normally happens over family dinners, but doesn’t happen that often in our house – we talked.  And he brought up the next baby…

The plan was simple.  Wait until Alex was a year old, then head to the doctor’s office for a FET.  We are so lucky to have five embryos on ice, waiting for us.  We have absolutely no interest in trying naturally for any extended time.  I don’t want to take my temps or pee on ovulation sticks or anything like that.  I don’t think my sanity can handle that part…  So we had been operating under the plan to do a FET around November, I guess.  But we never really discussed it.  And then we booked a cruise for December.  I started doing the math in my head about timing of cycles, and not really wanting to be pregnant while on a cruise.  And really enjoying my time off of treatments, and pregnancy, and breastfeeding.  And really enjoying my super easy baby, who rarely gets up at night, and doesn’t make me exhausted.  And I’ve been working hard at exercising, and just signed up for an online boot camp program that starts Monday and lasts 8 weeks.  (So far I’m 6 pounds under pre-pregnancy weight, which was 18 pounds above wedding weight!)  So I had decided that I wasn’t going to bring it up.  I know, super communicative, huh?

But then the Hubs said last night that he thinks we should try to do a transfer in August or September.  Um, what???  He said it was obviously up to me as it was my body, but he talked about wanting to just get it done – move beyond this part of our life, which I completely understand.  And we’re talking about moving to Colorado, and it would be easier to not have to worry about doing a FET in Denver, transferring the embryos and all that.  We talked about it, and I told him I would think about it.

I have really liked having my break.  Yes, we’ve been half-heartedly trying naturally, but I would only have a couple days of anxiety each month, wondering if I was pregnant.  If I go back to the clinic, and go through a FET, then it will be a huge deal again – all the anxiety and worrying and stress.  But I know I have to do it at some point – I have lost all hope of conceiving naturally.  It would be nice to get it over with.  Because the next baby will be it.  No more, not going through this again.  In fact, I think I’ll get my tubes tied during the c-section, if I’m so lucky to actually get pregnant.  Not that I think I’ll ever get pregnant naturally, but I want to eliminate the possibility so I don’t wonder every month if it could happen. 

I think it’s hilarious that hubs and I are planning this out.  Like we can just order it up at a store, assuming the FET will work.  “If we do the FET in August or September, we could have a June baby!”  It’s like we think we’re fertile, like we can simply plan it out and it will happen.  How arrogant is this!  How quickly we forget that it may not work, and I might miscarry again.  I told hubs that I would be much more willing if we could just get a 5 month old baby, and not have to go through the pregnancy and the early months of newborn again.  Those were a bear!  I actually really liked the pregnancy part, except for the anxiety.  I hated worrying about my baby.  I hope it will be easier next time, if only because I’ll have the distraction of baby Alex.  But who knows…

It seems quick, jumping back into this when Alex will be 9 or 10 months old, but I just want to be done.  I don’t want to do this anymore – this baby making thing.  It would be nice to close this chapter, and call our family complete.  Because it’s not yet.  I love Alex, and if we had to make it work, she would be enough.  But I really want a sibling for her.  More than anything, that is what is driving me – creating a sibling for Alex.  I don’t know if there is an ideal time for it, but it would be nice to just get it done.  And so, I think I’ll make that phone call to set up an appointment with the doc…

I WON!!!

I’m so excited, I recently won a very cool blog contest, just by commenting.  My kind of contest… I was super excited to win – really anything.  But when I realized what I was getting, I was even more excited.  I just received the cutest T-shirt from Betty, custom made for my little girl Alex.  Check it out:

The pic isn't great - she wasn't really into sitting still.  And the shirt is a little big on her, I asked for an 18 month onesie so she could wear it a long time, and she's only 8 months old...  But it looks great on her, and is good with jeans as well.  It’s super cute, and very well made.  And if you like, she’ll make one for you too.  It’s $15 plus shipping of $3, and all you have to do is email Betty at bettyrubble74@gmail.com.  Tell her the shirt or onesie size of child, if it is a boy or girl, and what color (white, color or blue) shirt you want.  And the name of the child.  And if you have a special request like an airplane or dinosaur or something, she will do her best to meet that request.  She'll email you back with the Paypal info so you can pay for the shirt.

This shirt is definitely worth $15 plus shipping!  And you can know that your money is going to a great woman who is raising her pretty cool little son, Rocky.

Thanks so much Betty!!!

Oh, and Alex didn’t want to continue with her photo shoot – she’s CRAWLING!!!

Love

Do you remember the feelings of falling in love?  Feeling like you can’t get enough of the other person.  Lying in bed, staring into the other person’s eyes, feeling like the whole world doesn’t matter, nothing matters but the two of you.  Wanting to touch the other person, kiss as much as possible.  You just can’t get enough of them, just want to lie there forever, talking and holding the other person. 

This is how I feel with my little Alex.  Most days after I pick her up from daycare, we go home, and for about thirty minutes we hang out on my bed.  We play with toys, and I read books to her.  I hope we can continue to do this even as she gets older.  I hope one day she’ll tell me about her day, and we can reconnect at the end of the day, by taking a few moments of time together.  Last night we were lying down facing each other on our sides, and I had my hands on her side or her legs, and she kept putting her little hands on my face.  We stared into each other’s eyes, holding hands or stroking each other’s faces, for a long time.  I kept kissing her cute little cheeks, and she’s learning to kiss me back – wide mouth, drooling, and adorable.  (Hubs has commented, “Are you making out with her again?”)  And it occurred to me that I haven't felt this way in a long time – not since falling in love.  But I guess that’s what we’re doing.  We’re falling in love with each other.

Over time, relationships get more comfortable, the feeling of butterflies and romance start to fade.  Sure, I still love my husband, but the days of wanting to stare endlessly into his eyes are sadly long gone.  Our days are filled with chores, and what did you do todays, and what do you want for dinners.  We don’t take much time to simply express how much we love each other while staring into each other’s eyes.  Maybe we should…  But with Alex, it feels so simple.  Everything she does is perfect.  I can’t spend enough time with her – she never annoys me.  And I know she’s in love with me too.  When I walk into daycare, she’s usually sitting on the floor, playing with her toys.  She will look up, get a huge grin on her face, and start flapping her little arms like a bird.  So excited, so happy to see me!  I know these days are numbered, that one day she’ll be annoyed by my words.  And that I may get tired of hearing her whiny voice.  But right now, these days are wonderful.  No disappointment, no annoyance.  Just pure and perfect love.