Monday, July 30, 2012

Planning for #2


With mixed feelings, we went to the fertility doc on Friday.  I told hubs that I would go, hear what he has to say, with no promises on timing.  I don’t know why, I’m just not super excited about doing all this again.  I’m loving my life right now, and I’m afraid of screwing anything up…

Anyway, we met with the doc, which was actually a new doc.  Apparently the guy that runs the practice that treated me for the 3 IUI’s, a fresh IVF and a FET is taking a step back in the practice, and only doing surgeries.  So I now have a younger doc, which is fine.  I’m hoping that this should be an easy process.  Hopefully…  In the words of my new doc, “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.”  We’re going to follow the same protocol that we followed in the successful FET:

-When AF comes, go in for day 3 baseline.  If all goes well, then start BCPs.  Take these for about 3 weeks.  During those weeks, get a hysteroscopy and biopsy.  He said that both hysteroscopies and biopsies have been shown to increase pregnancy rates for IVF. 
-Stop BCP’s, and then AF will show up again.  Day 3 baseline, then start estrogen pills and patches to build up my lining.  Start baby aspirin and Folgard at the same time as estrogen (for MTHFR). 
-About 7-10 days prior to transfer, get intralipid infusion (for NK cells.  Now that I’m thinking about it, it would be smart to get this tested again, considering pregnancy can affect NK cells.  Ugh.  Probably won’t unless this FET fails…).  I will need to have this done at home using a home nurse since the office won’t give me an IV infusion.
-Transfer 2 embryos.  Start Lovenox (for MTHFR) upon transfer.  We talked a lot about the possibility of twins, and how their office is encouraging everyone to do a single transfer, but given our history (1st IVF with 2 embryos didn’t work, and 1st FET with 2 embryos made a singleton) we’re going to try with two embryos.  To be honest, I’m petrified of twins.  I used to want twins, back when I didn’t have any babies.  And I still would have loved to have twins.  But now that we’ll have a toddler when the next one(s) comes along, I can’t imagine going through the newborn phase with two babies and a toddler.  Oh well, if it happens, we’ll just deal with it.  My marriage may not survive it (only half-joking) but we’ll figure it out.  Right?
-Upon a positive beta, get a 2nd intralipid infusion.  Take Lovenox, baby aspirin and folgard until the end of pregnancy.
-Whole thing is about $5K.

Currently the plan is to start this whole process when AF comes next.  Which considering it’s now day 25…  Ugh.

To say my heart is not in it is an understatement.  It’s not that I don’t want another child – I do.  And although it seems a little quick, and some people think it will be too much to handle to have two babies under two years old, that’s not really the issue either.  (Although three babies under two terrifies me…)  The real thing is I just don’t want to go through all this again.  The trying part.  The hysteroscopy, and going to the doctor, and all that crap.  Taking precious days off from work to have the procedures done.  The coordination.  The wondering, the waiting.  And then when/if I actually get pregnant, the fear.   What if I lose another baby?  And going through all of this while being the best mother possible to Alex.  How do I do that? 

The other thing that’s distracting me, thank goodness, from all this fertility stuff, is I’m super into exercising right now.  I can’t believe I actually just said that – this is definitely not normal for me.  But about a month ago, I started the couch to 5K program, but would sputter around and start and stop for a few weeks.  But then I signed up for an online boot camp run by this program.  It started a week ago, and holy cow!  It’s incredible.  I work out six days per week, for about 30 minutes a day, but it’s intense.  My goodness it’s intense.  It’s all about interval training and strength training, but using only your body weight as resistance.  There are daily missions, videos to watch, and written assignments to do.  Because the boot camp is more about the mental issues of weight loss than it is about nutrition and exercise.  One of the early missions asked us to put percentages by each area that is causing us to not reach our fitness and weight loss goals: (1) lack of fitness knowledge, (2) lack of nutrition knowledge, and (3) lack of mental muscles (your negative voice is constantly feeding you excuses to use to blow off workouts and eating correctly).  Um yeah, that last one there.  About 100%...  So that’s what the boot camp attacks – my negative voice.  There are checklists, and online community support and all that.  I’m so committed, and loving it.  Something about this time is different – I’m finally addressing the cause of my weight issues – my negative voice.

So one week down for boot camp, and I had my first weigh-in this morning.  Unlike any other week in my whole life (with the exception of the week I gave birth to my little one of course…) I lost 4.8 pounds.  In one week!  I’m not starving myself – in fact, I think I’m eating more than ever by following the guideline of eating every 2-3 hours.  But I’m making better nutrition choices.  The biggest thing is I’m dragging myself out of bed every morning at 5:00 am and really working out!  It’s the only time of day that I can really commit to have the time to myself.  Alex is still sleeping, and I know I can get a wonderful workout in before doing anything else.  It’s hard – so freakin’ hard.  But like the coach of the boot camp says, if this wasn’t hard, over half of America wouldn’t be overweight. 

This program lasts 8 weeks, and I would really like to finish it.  Or at least get most of it done.  I talked with the doc about exercise, and I liked how specific he was.  My old doc would say something like “you can moderately exercise.”  What is that exactly?  This new doc said the exercise restrictions start when I start the estrogen pills and patches and “You can exercise for no more than 30 minutes per day, and your heart rate shouldn’t be over 140 beats per minute.”  During the workout sessions, I’m topping out at 170ish, but with those guidelines, I could tailor a moderate workout within the bootcamp instructions.  But do I want to?

Depending on when the next cycle comes, I may or may not push off the FET.  Hubs thinks we should start right away, and we probably will.  But if AF shows up in the next few days, or anytime this week, I don’t know if I’ll be ready to give up this boot camp three weeks from now.  I know I won’t be able to sustain an almost 5 pound per week weight loss going forward, but this is about more than weight loss.  It’s about being healthy.  It’s about taking back my body after years of fertility treatments, and pregnancy, and the incredibly frustrating process of breast feeding.  I want to have this time where I control my body.  Every day, my muscles hurt in different ways, but it makes me so happy.  Every painful step reminds me of the time I spent outside in the dark, running.  Or jumping around in my living room, following an online video.  Or forcing myself to do yet another push up.  I’m so proud of myself for getting myself out of bed and doing this – every day.  It gives me a sense of pride, of accomplishment, that dragging myself to the doctor for another test, another procedure, never did.  I know I’m only a week in, but I’m so excited, so shocked by the results, that I can’t wait until the next week to see what happens.  What new muscle will I discover?  How much longer will I be able to run?  (I ran for 8 minutes nonstop on Saturday – this is HUGE for me!) 

Yes, I want another baby.  But right now, I want to do this.  I want a better me.

46 comments:

  1. Yay for taking control back! The program you are doing sounds great. Seems like a perfect fit for you.

    As for your FET, good luck!

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  2. I'm so proud of you!! I have never committed to exercising either and I think my negative voice is keeping me down too. I know you can finish out these 8 weeks, and who knows, you might start another 8 weeks! It definitely is bittersweet getting back on the TTC bandwagon. We said we'd start after Chloe's birthday, and I'm already seeing us push it back a month, and maybe another, and another because I'm just not there yet. I can't believe I'm saying that, but I'm not. I want to spend my time with her rather than going to the doc for monitoring appointments, or being in the bathroom (thanks Metformin). I totally understand the back and forth thoughts. Either way, I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do and will be here cheering you on!!

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  3. I totally get what you mean about not wanting to "try" again, it was so hard the first time and that is when you can actually make yourself a priority. With a toddler, it sounds scary.

    But you are strong and you can do whatever you want.

    Best of luck!

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  4. Congrats on the weight loss! That's great! Keep up the good work.

    McR and I are just starting to talk about #2. There are a lot of fears swirling around about it. It's hard to think about upsetting the balance that we've worked so hard to create.

    I hope it all goes well!

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  5. I was nodding my head to every single thing you said in this post! I'm loving having me back and just being happy, but I want another baby. I also have been really into exercising lately - running 10-15 miles a week lately and hoping I can get a 10K in this fall. It's so hard to submit myself to go back to that unhealthy, truly difficult place. So glad you're loving this workout! Is there a good compromise on the timing of this all so you can finish the 8 week bootcamp?

    Excited for you whatever path you plan to take!

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  6. I'd say that a healthier, stronger you will be able to handle the rigors of the FET protocol and a subsequent pregnancy a lot better than a you that feels like you've let yourself down. I say stick with the boot camp and do the FET when your heart and mind are in it and not regretting giving something up.

    Nice job on the workouts and the weight loss!!!

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  7. Good for you for doing the bootcamp (AND the couch to 5k). You're right - it's about health. And sanity. And being healthy and sane has an added benefit for a bebe (present and future). I don't blame you for wanting to push the FET off. I say listen to that voice. And you're not talking about forever. You sound so strong, Alex. That's a beautiful thing.

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  8. Congratulations on the working out success- that is awesome! Your feelings about starting the process towards #2 are completely valid and understandable- I pray for peace about the whole thing in the coming weeks for you. I felt the same way about twins- the first time around I thought I would LOVE twins, but with this pregnancy, on the day of my first ultrasound I told my doctor I needed 2 things- for their to be a strong heartbeat and ONLY ONE- ha!

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  9. Way to go on the weight loss. That program sounds really cool an I might check it out. My main issue right now is my "mental muscles" so I'd be interested in that part.

    I am so not ready for #2 so just reading all that seemed like a lot. It sounds to me that you are not ready yet. I would just follow your heart and what you feel like is the best route for you and your hubs. Either way keep up the great work!

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  10. Wow this sounds really complicated. I can't imagine how I'd feel if Eric were pushing for another child right now. On one hand, it's so important to have your husband on board when you're ttc, that it seems like a golden opportunity to move forward with his support. On the other hand, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. I definitely get that. Although these days, I flip-flop like a landed fish! some days I really want another one, and other days I'm so happy we only have one! i get the ambivalence.

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  11. It sounds like you're in a really good place right now. If you're not 10000% percent committed to an FET, I say wait. : )

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  12. Hi Alex,
    I rarely comment (I think you'd call me a "lurker" :) ), but after reading this I just want to say, you sound like you're way out of your comfort zone as far as the next steps to building your family - both this post and the last post are FULL of reasons for why not now. From what you say, now is just not the time you're ready to pursue treatments/another child and if your husband wasn't pushing for it, you wouldn't choose to do it in the immediate future. It doesn't sound, from these posts, like you will regret waiting a few months, whereas you very well may regret it if you don't. (To be clear, I don't mean regret a pregnancy/baby, just the time to work on YOU that you will most definitely not get back with a newborn, and maybe not for a long time to come.) Also, since you're nervous about twins, why even go there? Don't get pushed into things that don't feel right for you! Good luck!

    Carly

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  13. I love this post! Although I understand your trepidation about jumping back in the saddle, I love how you embraced getting a better you!

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  14. How awesome that you are actually excited about your new weight loss program and exercise!! It would be wonderful if there was a way that you could get your husband to understand that you'd like to work on you right now, then work on baby #2 (and maybe #3). It's super important that you have "bought" into it, and it doesn't sound like you have 100%. I've thought about baby #2 often, but I just enjoy Reagan so very much, that I just don't want to do that to her right now. I want her to experience my undivided love and attention for a little while. Most of us worked SO very hard to get our little ones here, that it's totally understandable if we want to keep it that way. Best of luck in whatever decision you make!

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  15. My sweet friend, I am sorry you don't feel your heart is in the FET so soon, but maybe this is for the best? it may take the pressure off a bit? You should not feel forced to do it though. I'm cycling right now, and to be honest having my little man around is the best thing ever, I don't remember a single previous cycle where I had to set up reminders to take the meds!! Yet, lining is growing, we are edging towards the FET day and I feel at peace. It's wonderful.

    Woohoo for the fab boot camp you have found! If my FET doesn't work I'm going to do it too!! (let's hope it will work and I will do it as soon as I have the baby! ehehe!)

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  16. So many bloggers TTC #2 (or recently pregnant with #2). It's a weird shift in the tide...

    It's so interesting to me to watch you start up this process again with a child around the same age as mine. I hope that doesn't sound too cold or insensitive! I definitely feel for you as you approach these really complex issues. All of this has me thinking a lot lately about going back to TTC our next (#3!) and how long we want to wait... we talked about "maybe January," and also about me wanting to wait so I can BF until the girls are 18 months (mid-May), and then my husband said he'd like to wait until the girls are 2 (November 2013)... I don't know. There's so much to think about. <3

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  17. Kudos to you for the bootcamp workout! just excellent! I almost feel the same way in terms of starting a treatment plan of any kind will also place a halt stop to my start up of exercising more regularly. I am really enjoying working out now for better endurance and health overall. its a tough call.really talk it over and i agree w the pp, go into treatment plan only if you feel it is right. positive energy to you and to all!

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  18. I can really feel your hesitation. From my end it really sounds like you want to get fit and healthy and then try for the FET. On another note, you know how emotional cycling is, that it may not work and how hard it is, and we can all understand how you just may not feel ready to go through all of it again. It is a decision you make with your partner, but ultimately it is YOU that experiences the full physical and emotional effects of the cycle, and therefore your decision. I'm sending you strength! Great to hear about the exercise program--I also recently started the couch25k! and I hate running!

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  19. Congrats on all the weight loss and fitness advancement! I agree with the above posters. You need a bit more time for you, to meet those goals before you move on with TTC. TTC w/ IF is so greuling you need the endurance prep!

    I'm sure you can get husband on board with that by explaining the healthier you are (physically and mentally/emotionally) the more likely things are to succeed. While it means a month or 2 longer wait, that's not long in the grand scheme of your prior IF struggles.

    Good luck with all of it!

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  20. YEAH!!! This is soooo exciting. TWINS!!! That's where I stand lovely lady, in case you know, you were wondering and stuff and congrats on the weight loss!

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  21. In my opinion, you should sit down with the husband and ask him to give you a little more time. You are obviously not ready for treatments right now and just going through the motions is not a healthy way to start this process. Maybe you can make a deal with him. Ask him to let you finish this boot camp program and then you can get back on the TTC wagon. Waiting one or 2 cycles shouldn't cause any negative effect on the outcome. If you are in better shape physically and mentally it might actually help the process. Just my 2 cents. Either way, I think it's awesome how committed you are to the program.

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  22. Way to go Alex, the boot camp & it's results sound incredible!
    Listen to your heart, you can put the FET off for a couple of month's, I agree with Oak, if you are in a healthier place mentally & physically you may have an easier go. Whatever you decide, I am rooting for you!

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  23. The boot camp sounds great! I wish I was as motivated as you. Are you homozygous or heterozygous for MTHFR?

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  24. Way to go girl! I've heard great things about those boot camps! If you need more time, you know your body best. Thinking of you!! xo

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  25. Way to go with the bootcamp exercising! That program sounds great. My vote is you take at least these 8 weeks to complete the bootcamp and feel good about yourself mentally and physically before going into another FET. Pregnancy (for me) was so much easier to appreciate when I was feeling healthy about my body. Best of luck deciding what to do!

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  26. I wanted twins before I had a baby, too. LOL Now, I think woman who have them are super amazing because one is enough for me most days.

    I'm with you on the timing thing. Part of me wants to get the second soon and get the diapers and sleepless nights over in a shorter period but the other part loves the new routine we've gotten into and am afraid of messing with it.

    Congrats on the Couch to 5K. I've done it myself. Rock on girl!

    ReplyDelete
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