Scariness

We have officially reached the scary part of my pregnancy, at 31 weeks. It started 3 weeks ago at a growth scan. Both boys had been measuring great and there have been no issues. 7 weeks ago, Twin A was 48% on the growth scale, and Twin B was 32%. 3 weeks ago, Twin A dropped to 23% and Twin B was at 29%. My doc was a little concerned, particularly about Twin A, but she said everything is fine as long as nobody is 10% or lower.

Well, two days ago I went in for another growth scan and Twin A is now 10.8%, and Twin B is 20%. Suddenly my doc is concerned. 3 weeks ago my c-section was scheduled for 38 weeks 4 days, and now she says there's no way they'll let me go past 37 weeks, particularly if Twin A decreases or stays the same. Now every week I go into the doc to check blood flow to the babies. This looked fine at my visit, but if it ever decreases they will deliver immediately. And another growth scan in 3 weeks.

The other scary thing is my blood pressure has started to rise, and they're worried about pre-eclampsia. On Friday my blood pressure was 122/89, and my doc said if the second number is ever over 90 then it's a problem. An hour later it dropped to 122/86, so she was less concerned, but she told me to get a BP monitor and check at home daily.

So yesterday I was at home and started to feel swollen in my face and hands. I laid down, and sent the hubs to get a BP monitor. I checked it, and it was 125/95. So I called the MFM on call, and she told me to get to the hospital! I left the hubs with Alex and went to the hospital, where they monitored the babies and my BP for about 2 hours. My BP jumped all over the place, the highest being 140/90. But it was mostly lower. And they checked my blood and urine for signs of pre-eclampsia, noting none. So they sent me home with a jug for collecting my urine over 24 hours, and told me to come back if the BP gets higher.

Because of the BP and the restricted growth, I'm on kinda bedrest. At least that's what I'm calling it. I pressed my doc about what that means exactly, and she said I should live the couch potato lifestyle, and only do what I have to. In her words, if I have to go to the grocery store, go, but try to get someone else to do it. Same with running after a toddler.  The ambiguity almost makes it harder, as I have to ask for everything, and really think if it’s a “have to” or not.  My husband has been working crazy hours – for the last few weeks he has been coming home between 9 and 12 at night.  So it’s not like he’s around even to ask. 

The best thing in the world, the blessing in all of this, is our au pair from France arrived on Friday.  She’s still getting acclimated, and she hasn’t officially started working yet, but I really like her so far, and she seems very excited and eager to help.  She and Alex are getting along great, and AP (au pair) seems to really enjoy spending time with Alex.  This week I will be showing AP around, and how to do her job.  But I will also start leaving her in charge for long periods of time, so I’m very interested to see how she does.  I’m sure it will be weird being in the house while she’s in charge – I need to shut my office door and allow her to really be in charge, without me hovering.  But I’m excited and hopeful that she will be good.  Her English is a little rough, so we’re spending a little time with sign language and trying out new words, but I think it will work out well.  Thank God she showed up the same day as I was prescribed bedrest – kinda. 

I’m trying to remain positive about my boys, but it’s hard.  I’m just so afraid that I will have to deliver early.  Between the low growth and the high BP, there are a couple things working against my plan to keep these boys cooking as long as possible.  I know with the medical field now, that there is a high chance of survival in the NICU, with nothing wrong at the end, but it would be a tough road if I delivered now.  The really good thing is I have no signs of pre-term labor – no real contractions, my cervix still looks like a wall of steel – but that doesn’t matter if the doc decides it’s too risky to stay pregnant.  I keep talking to these little boys of mine, telling them to grow, grow, grow!  I’m drinking protein shakes like they’re going out of style – constantly eating, I’m so sick of food.  And I’m really trying to be good and stay off my feet as much as possible – so hard to do.  But it will all be worth it if my boys can cook as long as possible!

Lucky

Thank you so much to all of you who sent such lovely and supportive comments to me. I really try not to complain in most of my life, but this pregnancy has been much harder than I anticipated, and I’ve really struggled, and it’s only getting worse. No matter how much I try, it’s hard to convince myself that I need to just accept help, and be okay with being able to do less, and try to get rid of the guilt. But you ladies have helped, you really have. I need to print out your comments and keep them with me always…


I hate to admit how much I’ve struggled during this pregnancy. I think part of it was that I wasn’t desperate for the FET to work like I was in my last pregnancy. Given how long it took to get pregnant with Alex, I honestly didn’t think it would happen this quickly for me for baby #2 (& 3!). It was as easy as going to the store and getting a baby, and I even got the buy one get one free special! Well, I still had to do a FET so there was a little meds and stuff, but compared to my quest for Alex, I may as well have just gone to the baby store. I didn’t expect it to be so easy, and so quick. I know I’m so incredibly lucky, but when I’m faced with taking time away from Alex, I don’t feel as lucky and grateful as I should.

And then I get news like I received earlier today. My husband has a BFF. Seriously, they’re like lovers, they love each other so much. The BFF’s wife introduced herself at my baby shower: “Hi, my name is J, and my husband is Alex’s boyfriend.” And everybody laughed because it’s so true. Even they admit that they have a bromance. Anyway, they got married shortly after we did, and took awhile to start TTC, but knew of our struggles. I have always liked J, the wife, we’re not super close, but we really enjoy each other’s company when we’re together. We’ve gone on vacations and lots of double dates and such together, but never really spent time together just the two of us – only with our husbands. We went on a vacation together shortly after my two miscarriages, and right before they started TTC, and I think I turned her off by how much I talked about my TTC experiences, and especially the miscarriages. She told her husband, who told mine, that she definitely didn’t want to become obsessed like I was. Ugh – didn’t feel good to hear that.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years, and we have Alex and are pregnant with twins, and they’re still working on TTC. J has PCOS, and she has had multiple IUI’s and a miscarriage. She and I have talked a little, but she doesn’t always seem to want to talk about it – she’s always so freaking positive, and I admire her positivity – I was never there in my TTC journey. They recently started their first IVF cycle, and the doc held back on the meds since she typically overstimulates even with the IUI dosages. Well, she didn’t stim hardly at all. They did further tests, and a cyst that they found on her ovary continued to grow and take over her entire ovary. They did more tests, and decided they needed to remove the entire ovary and tube, which they did yesterday. The preliminary pathology report shows that it was a cancerous mass that they’re hoping is benign. They think it was stimulated by hormones, so probably a result of the fertility drugs! She meets with the oncologist in two weeks, but her fertility doc thinks that if it’s benign, he can still get her pregnant with an IVF round, and then do a complete hysteroscopy to remove the chance of more cancer.

I’m in complete shock, and I feel so bad for her. She still sounds so positive, or maybe she’s just putting on a positive front. I wasn’t even going to bring up the baby thing, just focusing on the health stuff, but she immediately brought up that her doc said he can still get her pregnant. Oh how scary – I can’t even imagine going through IVF knowing that it caused cancer before. I know it’s super rare, but I never thought about this possibility while I was injecting all those meds in my body. She and I were emailing last week, and she said thanks for being one of the few people who understand why she would go through anything to have a baby. I know she wouldn’t continue with IVF if they thought it would cause more cancer, but can you imagine being pregnant, knowing that as soon as you deliver they’re going to remove your one remaining ovary and uterus? Crazy.
I feel so lucky, yes it took me awhile to have Alex but we I have her now, and I essentially went to the baby store to get these two little boys in my belly. And yet I’m complaining about back pain and the rest. At least I’m healthy, and I have my children. It could be so much worse.

Feeling like a failure

I'm writing this when I'm supposed to be napping - during my daughter's nap. I just put her in her crib, and I'm supposed to use the next 1.5 hours or so to get rest, but I have to get something off my chest. I feel like a failure as a mom. And as a pregnant person. I know I should be easier on myself, and this is hard, and blah blah blah. But I really expected so much more from myself, and I just failed miserably. 

I had these wonderful visions of myself as a Part-time SAHM. I was going to do all kinds of educational things with Alex - I asked and received for Christmas annual passes to the zoo and the children's museum. I've only been to each once. It's too hard running after a toddler when I'm so freaking huge, and any kind of physical activity causes BH contractions.  We got this great house with a fabulous backyard. Alex loves to go outside and climb up the hill and back down. But it's steep - much too steep for a 17 month old to do herself. So I have to go with her, which completely exhausts me, and causes BH contractions. So we stay inside, playing with toys that we're both bored of, reading books that we're bored of, and coloring (bored too). She cries every time I let the dogs outside and don't let her - I feel so bad, but I just can't handle it. There's a park only about 1/2 mile away, and she can walk there and back by herself, I don't even need to push her in a stroller anymore, but I can't do it. 

On Mondays and Fridays she goes to daycare, which is just phenomenal. They just implemented a new computer system where they take videos and pictures throughout the day, and send them to you each day. It's so obvious that she loves this place, and she gets so much out of it. Her vocabulary is just exploding. Between sign and verbal words, I can understand about 80% of what she wants, which I think is pretty incredible for her age. She can sort by color, and loves learning all kinds of things. 

My MIL also comes over most Wednesdays to watch Alex. I say most - she's definitely not the most reliable of child care. But she loves Alex and takes good care of her. 

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the hardest - these are the days when I'm responsible by myself. I hate that the only days when I'm completely a SAHM are the hardest days. They're so hard physically - my body is screaming at the end of the day, and I crawl into bed as soon as I put her into bed at 7:30. I have BH like crazy, and my back hurts, and my butt has sciatic pain, and my hemorrhoids hurt, and my heartburn hurts, and my hip hurts, and I could go on... 

Our au pair gets here next Friday. I'm so excited to have her come, but I also feel like a failure needing full-time child care. Yes, I'm working part-time, but I'm paying someone to work 45 hours per week when I'm only working 20 hours! And we're even considering leaving Alex in daycare for 2 days per week - she's just getting so much out of it that is seems bad to pull her out. Yes, it will be tough financially but I know that neither the au pair nor I will be able to give her the education and social experiences like she's getting now. Yep, continuing to feel like a failure... 

My pregnancy is going ok. Both boys are healthy, but at the last growth scan they decreased on the growth scale. At my 24 week scan, baby a was 48% and baby b was 32%. Then last week at my 28 week scan, baby a is now 23% and baby b is 29%. The doc said that both babies seem healthy, but this can happen in later pregnancy as they start to run out of room and nutrients - they can start to drop on the growth scale. She said she wasn't really concerned unless they got below 10% but we'll be monitoring them more closely. Growth scans every 3 weeks, and it will likely go to 2 weeks or more often. My cervix still looks great - over 4 cm. So even though I'm having a ton of BH contractions, it doesn't seem to be affecting my body. But my doc said to try to take it easy - lay down as much as possible, at least as much as I'm up during the day. I'm trying to eat as much as possible, especially protein, and I've gained the appropriate amount based on my pre-pregnancy weight and the guidelines in Dr. Luke's book, but I still feel like I'm failing my boys if they're running out of nutrients and not growing like they should. 

The doc's suggestion to lay down as much as possible is really hard with a toddler that runs. But it makes me feel a little better about the 2 hours spent snuggling in my bed this morning watching Yo Gabba Gabba... A little...

I know this will all work out in the end, but none of this was how I wanted Alex's young life to be, with a mom that couldn't play with her, and go outside with her, or do much with her. I'm about to outsource even the little bit of time that I have been spending with her to an au pair, and I feel even more guilty. I'm happy that we have two healthy boys (please God, help them grow!) coming and I'm thankful for my family, but I can't help feeling like Alex is getting the short end of the stick here. And it will even get worse when the boys get here, and I won't even have time to snuggle in bed watching TV.