Thursday, April 11, 2013


Thank you so much to all of you who sent such lovely and supportive comments to me. I really try not to complain in most of my life, but this pregnancy has been much harder than I anticipated, and I’ve really struggled, and it’s only getting worse. No matter how much I try, it’s hard to convince myself that I need to just accept help, and be okay with being able to do less, and try to get rid of the guilt. But you ladies have helped, you really have. I need to print out your comments and keep them with me always…

I hate to admit how much I’ve struggled during this pregnancy. I think part of it was that I wasn’t desperate for the FET to work like I was in my last pregnancy. Given how long it took to get pregnant with Alex, I honestly didn’t think it would happen this quickly for me for baby #2 (& 3!). It was as easy as going to the store and getting a baby, and I even got the buy one get one free special! Well, I still had to do a FET so there was a little meds and stuff, but compared to my quest for Alex, I may as well have just gone to the baby store. I didn’t expect it to be so easy, and so quick. I know I’m so incredibly lucky, but when I’m faced with taking time away from Alex, I don’t feel as lucky and grateful as I should.

And then I get news like I received earlier today. My husband has a BFF. Seriously, they’re like lovers, they love each other so much. The BFF’s wife introduced herself at my baby shower: “Hi, my name is J, and my husband is Alex’s boyfriend.” And everybody laughed because it’s so true. Even they admit that they have a bromance. Anyway, they got married shortly after we did, and took awhile to start TTC, but knew of our struggles. I have always liked J, the wife, we’re not super close, but we really enjoy each other’s company when we’re together. We’ve gone on vacations and lots of double dates and such together, but never really spent time together just the two of us – only with our husbands. We went on a vacation together shortly after my two miscarriages, and right before they started TTC, and I think I turned her off by how much I talked about my TTC experiences, and especially the miscarriages. She told her husband, who told mine, that she definitely didn’t want to become obsessed like I was. Ugh – didn’t feel good to hear that.

Anyway, fast forward a couple years, and we have Alex and are pregnant with twins, and they’re still working on TTC. J has PCOS, and she has had multiple IUI’s and a miscarriage. She and I have talked a little, but she doesn’t always seem to want to talk about it – she’s always so freaking positive, and I admire her positivity – I was never there in my TTC journey. They recently started their first IVF cycle, and the doc held back on the meds since she typically overstimulates even with the IUI dosages. Well, she didn’t stim hardly at all. They did further tests, and a cyst that they found on her ovary continued to grow and take over her entire ovary. They did more tests, and decided they needed to remove the entire ovary and tube, which they did yesterday. The preliminary pathology report shows that it was a cancerous mass that they’re hoping is benign. They think it was stimulated by hormones, so probably a result of the fertility drugs! She meets with the oncologist in two weeks, but her fertility doc thinks that if it’s benign, he can still get her pregnant with an IVF round, and then do a complete hysteroscopy to remove the chance of more cancer.

I’m in complete shock, and I feel so bad for her. She still sounds so positive, or maybe she’s just putting on a positive front. I wasn’t even going to bring up the baby thing, just focusing on the health stuff, but she immediately brought up that her doc said he can still get her pregnant. Oh how scary – I can’t even imagine going through IVF knowing that it caused cancer before. I know it’s super rare, but I never thought about this possibility while I was injecting all those meds in my body. She and I were emailing last week, and she said thanks for being one of the few people who understand why she would go through anything to have a baby. I know she wouldn’t continue with IVF if they thought it would cause more cancer, but can you imagine being pregnant, knowing that as soon as you deliver they’re going to remove your one remaining ovary and uterus? Crazy.
I feel so lucky, yes it took me awhile to have Alex but we I have her now, and I essentially went to the baby store to get these two little boys in my belly. And yet I’m complaining about back pain and the rest. At least I’m healthy, and I have my children. It could be so much worse.


  1. Just because you are able to have children doesn't mean you can't get down once in awhile!!!!

    You are lucky, I think we all are, but that doesn't mean you can't get overwhelmed or sometimes not be eternally grateful.

    We are here to listen either way and offer support!

  2. Damn. I do think that removing a healthy ovary is a bit extreme, especially since it was fertility drugs that likely caused the problem (so it's not like she has a family history or something). But hey, what do I know. I hope that everything works out for her. Although I somehow can't help but be irritated by those always-positive types... I mean really?? You're really 'positive' about all of this? Come on!!

    Anyways, yes, you are lucky (but still deserve to have bad days!) and I understand that it feels weird for your ttc#2 (and 3!) to have gone so well -- like, for me in this pregnancy, I feel that it can't work out because that would be 'too easy'-- as though 8 months of trying is considered easy by normal standards!! I just feel that there is no way I should be able to get a baby without tearing my heart to shreds in the process. I will never understand what it must be like to be someone who gets pregnant every month that they forget to take their pill *just once*... It must be really weird to be able to produce life so easily and carelessly.

  3. I think once you're an infertile, you never forget the journey and when your heart always goes out to those who are still on that journey. It brings back such raw memories. J is lucky to have you to talk to and I admire her for remaining positive (even if she is faking it until she make's it - we've all been there).

  4. Wow, that poor girl. Lots of PTs to her. No matter what hell we have gone through with IF things could always be so much worse =(

  5. So sorry for your friend! We just got the news that one of DH's cousins (32 year old female) got diagnosed with lung cancer which has already spread to the liver.. i was shocked, then I read that lung cancer is very common in otherwise healthy young females who have never smoked!! I'm very optimistic that your friend doesn't have malignant cancer, keep us posted!

  6. You have every right to feel overwhelmed, my dear. I pray things get better for you! We are here to listen anytime! Don't ever forget how awesome of a person you are! xoxo
    Oh gosh, I'm so sad for your friends. :-( Breaks my heart. How amazing that she still remains so positive. I hope that she stays healthy and still gets her miracle.

  7. Sure, it could be worse. Yes, you are lucky. But that doesn't negate that it's still hard right now. And regardless of what someone else is going through, it's okay to say that there are things you struggle with. We all do.

  8. Wow, that is really scary about your friend. Sometimes we forget how fragile we are. But that doesn't mean you can't have the experience your having - feeling both overwhelmed and lucky. It's okay.

  9. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Alex, that sounds terribly scary.
    As for yourself, hang in there. Being pregnant with twins and having a little one to care for must be exhausting. I have a hard time asking for help myself so I understand that you struggle with that, but really, you have a good excuse :)