Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Letter to My Birth Parents

My therapist gave me homework, and I usually don’t do my homework. Just like when I was in school, it always seems like I have something better to do. But I have a lot of anxiety about being a parent given all my history, so we’re trying to work through some stuff, so I thought I should do this. She asked me to write a letter to my birth parents, focusing on my feelings and explaining them. I don’t have to send it, and I probably won’t, actually I know I won’t, but here it is. I’m going to read her my letter tonight, and we’ll talk about it – wish me luck. As a bit of a background, I wasn’t adopted until four years old, bounced between my birth mother and foster homes for the first four years, birth father was involved – both were alcoholics and drug addicts. I have been trying to establish a relationship with my birth father for awhile, but I asked to stop talking in December during my first IVF cycle. I don’t talk with my birth mother except for exchanging Christmas cards.

Dear T (birth father) and M (birth mother),

I guess I should have started out by saying thank you. I know you both care about me a lot, and you did what you thought was best by giving me up for adoption. You also could have chosen to not have me at all, so I thank you for my life. Unlike a lot of adoptees, I know for a fact that you truly wanted me. You tried to keep me, and you tried for a long time. Also, you have both been very respectful of my feelings in our interactions as an adult, and I thank you for that. I have so many feelings about you both, and this is my attempt to explain myself.

I’m angry at both of you. I don’t understand why you couldn’t have figured out how to be sober earlier. Both of you got your lives together eventually, why couldn’t you try to be sober and able to take care of a child when you actually had a child? M, I think based on my calculations, that you got sober around the time you were pregnant with your second child, my younger sister. Why was she worth getting sober and I wasn’t? I’m also angry that I never have met my sister – I would have liked having a sister, I always wanted one.

I’m also angry that you didn’t give me up for adoption earlier. I read these studies about so many things developing early in a child’s life, and I think about being homeless and hungry, and going to 18 foster homes prior to adoption, and all the stuff I don’t know. I’m sure there are so many things that happened in those four years, that thankfully I can’t remember, that weren’t good for me, for any child. If you would have realized that you couldn’t take care of me earlier, maybe I would have been better, maybe I wouldn’t have the abandonment issues, and all the other stuff. I know you tried, that you wanted to keep me and raise me, but I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like if I didn’t have the first four years that I did.

I feel guilty. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t, but I still do. I feel very guilty about not putting more of an effort into having a relationship with you now. Growing up, I figured I would become an adult, and then I would be strong enough to have relationships with both of you. But then I grew up, and I never became strong enough. I’ve tried, somewhat, but it’s so very hard.

T, you are making such an effort. You call me every month, or at least you did until I asked you to stop (I’m sorry), and you try to find things over which we can relate. You keep talking about music, and sending me videos and CD’s of you playing your instruments, and encouraging me to play the piano again. I keep saying I might, but here’s the truth: I don’t want to. Piano hasn’t been in my life for years, and I have no desire to play it. We are completely different people. You are into your music and other creative things. I am a business woman, I read the WSJ, I like numbers, and I’m not creative. You don’t understand my life at all, and I don’t understand your life. And that has to be ok – we’re not going to find some great thing in common. Maybe when (if) we start talking again, I will have the guts to explain this to you, but then what are we going to talk about in our awkward conversations?

M, I feel so guilty on behalf of my parents. You say, and I believe you, that they were supposed to keep in contact with you, and you were supposed to be able to see me occasionally. This didn’t happen, and I’m sorry. I would ask my parents why this didn’t happen, but there really is no point. It just happened. Perhaps you were too drunk for the first few years after my adoption to follow up, but when you sobered up, you couldn’t find me, and I’m sorry for this. When I was about 22 years old, I found your phone number on the internet, and I called you. I acted like a telemarketer, and I asked you questions. I asked if you had children, and you said yes, you have one child, a daughter that is 12. And then I hung up. I was sad that you said you only had one child – what about me? Of course I realize that you wouldn’t tell some random telemarketer that you had a child that you gave up for adoption, but it still hurt to hear you say you only had one child. I was excited though to find out I had a sister.

M, when you tracked me down and called me a few years later, I was so excited to hear from you. But then I heard the sadness and guilt in your voice, and it was too much for me to handle. I’m so sorry for not responding well to your attempt at initiating a relationship. Right now, all we do is exchange Christmas cards, and I feel so guilty about this. I always had a vision in my head of going to see you (and T, separately of course) with my child, and introducing you to your grandchild. Then we would have a distraction, and something to talk about. I hope I can do this someday.

Trying to have a child, and having such a hard time doing so, has brought up some strange feelings about both of you. T, I know you were confused when I asked to stop talking. It was just so hard, and I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Here I am, doing everything in my power to have a child, and you walked away from your child – from me. I don’t understand this. How can I relate to you both, knowing that you didn’t want what I yearn for more than anything? Like I said, for some reason I have always thought that once I was a mother, I would be stronger, and I would be able to see you both. But now I’m afraid that this won’t be true. What if I see my child, and feel the emotions that I know I’ll have, and be able to relate to you even less? What if having a child makes me even angrier at you?

I don’t know how to end this, or how to help our relationships. I only know that I’m hurting, and I really hoped that I would be over this hurt by now. Thirty-two years have passed since I went to my parents, and I’m still struggling with a lot of things, including what my relationship with you should look like. I would really like to have more of a relationship, and I would love for you to know your future grandchild. I can’t promise anything, but I can hope.

34 comments:

  1. Wow. Thanks for sharing this with us, Alex. It must have been really tough to write. Hugs, woman. Expressing these feelings can only be a good thing. xoxo

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  2. That is a lot Alex....I hear you saying you are sorry so often in this letter, but why? You were an innocent child and they were your parents. They should be apologizing, not you. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to hurt them. I can imagine how your struggles to become a mom brought about a lot of feelings regarding your past, but know that is your past and their actions have nothing to do with you. You are going to be a wonderful mother to this lil one growing inside of you. Their mistakes and misdoings will help you to be the best mom you can be. xo

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  3. I just want you to know I read this ... I have no words that are adequate for what you have gone through and the struggle you're going through ... just sympathy and a sincere desire that things will improve in the way that you want them to. Sending you support and strength.

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  4. What an insightful, honest and heartfelt letter. I hope that writing it was helpful for you? My counselor had me do a similar thing (different issue) when I was going, and it helped a lot. I kept it and when I have a hard time, I re-read it. Hope your hard work pays off for you. :)

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  5. Alex - you are an inspiring, awesome and empowered woman! You're strong and you probably don't give yourself enough credit. This letter is inspiring, to many of us who have witnessed/been exposed to trauma as a child. Kudos for writing the letter and for sharing it. Thank you for being my bloggy friend! :-) You Rock!

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  6. Wow, Alex, That is such heartfelt letter. I can feel the truth of every line. And I think that there is more than one kind of strength in this world. I think you are very strong for looking at these feelings and trying to deal with them now, before your child is born. (((Hugs)))

    My hope for you is that you can find a way to be at peace with your past and move on into your future--build a new future for yourself and your husband and baby.

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  7. Wow, what a letter. Doesn't it feel good to get all that out? I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling and what you went through, but you seem like a very strong woman!

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  8. your letter really touched my heart. you went through so much and are very strong.

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  9. That seems so hard. You are a tough woman. I am glad you are getting what you want so badly.

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  10. Such an impressivly honest letter! It's so hard to write down raw emotions and you did a fantastic job. I hope it's cathartic for you.

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  11. This is such a thoughtful and honest letter. It must have been tough writing it, reliving those feelings that you've dealt with through the years and may have even forgotten about for a while. What you say about not deciding sooner resonates with me, as my parents decided around that time/age to actually "be parents" and not just let my grandparents keep me all of the time. I think that this infertility game is exacerbated too when you have mixed emotions about your parents and their willingness and commitment to parenting-totally relate to that as well. Thanks for writing this.

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  12. I don't really know what to say to this other than that is an amazingly emotional and strong letter. I'm so very sad that any child would have to go through that, and more so that a wonderful woman like you had to endure it all.

    I do believe that your past will make you that much better of a mother to your little baby here in the very near future!

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  13. Wow. This is an amazing letter. You are a strong woman look at everything you have been through. I have no doubt that you are going to be a wonderful mother. Thank you for the thoughtful and encouraging words on my post.

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  14. This is a marvelous letter. It makes me respect and love you even more than ever. I feel like, when your baby is born, it IS going to make you even angrier at them. Possibly it will make you feel more guilty, too. And everything is going to feel even more complicated. So I think this was a great homework assignment-- you might need this letter to anchor your feelings later.

    I have to admit a selfish, gut response to this letter-- It makes me think: Alex is one of the smartest, strongest, most expressive, most mature, caring, and sensitive people I know. If Alex turned out this wonderful with such shoddy parental care, then all my little worries about "what if I am fucking up my kid" are just ridiculous! I think this story can also be reassuring to all of us who are trying our best, but often questioning our parenting skills.

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  15. I have no words for you so I will just say this, you are completely amazing. Your baby is so lucky to have you...

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  16. Wow, that ust have been hard to write, but what a great job you did! You are so strong and you will be a better mother because of your past.

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  17. I wish I had more words for you alex. I can't imagine how hard that letter was to write. It is obvious what a strong woman you have become. Your child will be so lucky to call you mom. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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  18. This is a beautiful letter. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Wishing you all the best.

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  19. Thank you for sharing this. You have been through so much. This is such a powerful letter getting your feelings out. Hugs.

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  20. Very powerful, thanks for sharing! It's great that you're trying to figure all this out before your baby gets here - I hope it helps!

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  21. Alex, thank you so much for sharing this. It was honest and heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. It must be so tough to have all these emotions coming to the front right now.

    You are an incredibly strong, wonderful person. It is an honor to "know" you.

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  22. Alex, this is such a brave and poignant letter. Definitely hard homework, but hopefully also worth it. I think it's quite insightful of you to work on these issues during your pregnancy; this kind of dedication is what will set your parenting apart from your parents'. My own personal experience is that being a new parent puts added strain on the already strained relationship with my mother. I feel such an abundance of overwhelming feelings when I am with my son, and I have found myself wondering if my mother felt the same kind of feelings. If she didn't, why not? If she did, what changed?

    You are going to be a great mama, Alex. XX

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  23. Wow Alex,
    Thanks for sharing. You are strong, really strong. I admire you. I hope the homework proves to be helpful. You are confronting very difficult issues that many people would just push down or away, whatever works to not have to deal with it. Good for you, I'm proud of you ( hope u don't think that is too cheesy).

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  24. It's amazing how you can make something beautiful out of such heartbreak. You will be an amazing mother. My own mother has given in to a crippling obsession that is costing her her family. Even now when I'm all grown it's horribly painful that my mother cares much more for her obsession than she does for me. I feel like I have only a glimpse of what you've been through and it is devastating.

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  25. Can't stop crying here. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. What a dilemma you have to think about when it comes to your past and what you have been through. it is so sad when parent's love their children, but drugs and alcohol completely control their lives and ruin their lives. Again..this is a very powerful letter and I hope you get some sort of healing from it.

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  26. Did you send this to them? Cause you should. You are a fantastic writer and I think this so so amazing and touching and therapeutic. Love it!

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  27. This is some amazing stuff, and I'm hoping you were glad you did your homework on this occasion.

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  28. Wow, Alex. You've given me shivers and shivers and shivers. I'm someone who really believes that getting stuff down helps you work through them. There is so much here, so much that you went through (that you shouldn't have) so many facets of it that won't have neat, happy endings. It's really complex, and so your reaction to it all is bound to be extremely complex.

    But the fact that you're trying. The fact that you did this, even though I would imagine that it was extremely draining and difficult for you, speaks volumes about the mom you're going to be: a wonderful one.

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  29. Alex, that is amazing. Powerful. And how did you manage to keep it so concise and to the point? There is not a thing in that letter I would change (I know, I don't know the full story so I can't judge if I'd add anything but there is nothing in there that oversteps any kinds of boundaries of decency, of whatever, that you or others might set yourself.

    Keep it as a reminder of what a strong and amazing woman you are.

    Good luck with your pregnancy :-)
    Anne

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  30. I have delayed reading this post until now. I knew it would be tough to get through. All of those feelings you have make total sense. I have some of those feelings regarding my mother, too. I was not adopted but I was raised by my dad and step-mom because my mom was proven unfit when my parents divorced when I was 2. Your pain is real and should definitely be expressed. The words you write are so powerful. I think one of the reasons I am not emotionally ready to think about adopting a child is because of the pain I know it can cause the child. I know I would be loved by the child, but at the same time, the child could have many of the same feelings that you have now...and that scares me. I hope that you can continue to heal and find your way. I'm hoping that you can find some peace because you deserve it after all you have been through.

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  31. ((Hugs)) It is so hard to look at our parents from the eyes of someone on the outside. We can only look up to them being the parents we want, need, think they should be. I hope you find a place where the relationship works for you. I struggle with the mistakes my parents made as if they were my own. It is a tough journey to work through all these feelings.

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  32. So courageous of you. You could easily have buried these feelings, but your future child will benefit from your efforts to heal. Terrific letter!

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