First, I want to thank you all so very much for the comments I received on my letter to my birth parents. It was so hard to write, and even hard to read (I cry every time). And I debated putting it on my blog. But I’ve always tried to be super honest here, and this strange little public place I call my blog has become so safe to me – because of you guys that read my words. I put this letter out there, and I was so vulnerable, not knowing what the response would be. But y’all gave me so much love and support, I can’t thank you enough. I read the letter out loud to my therapist, which was so hard. Through my sobs, I finally got it out. And I felt relief after doing this. I still don’t know what to do with my relationship with my birth parents. I’ll probably keep the one that I have with my birth mother the same – Christmas cards and pictures, although I hope to do more pictures of my little one brewing inside me. But I would like to reconnect with my birth father. Perhaps sometime this summer I can muster up the courage to call him and start talking again. We’ll see… But in the meantime, I’m so happy to have all of you in my life, standing beside me as I work through all these things in my life. Thank you.
I had an OB check-up today. It was my first visit without an ultrasound, and it definitely wasn’t as cool. He did the Doppler, and the little one is still alive and has a heartbeat – 145 today. Although I could have told you that – the Doppler at home told me so! I told someone at work that I was having an appointment, and he asked me how it went. I think he was a little surprised when I responded happily, “The baby is still alive!” I forget that other people, normal people, just assume that the baby keeps living. But when you have gone to an appointment and the doc tells you that your baby is no longer living, it’s no longer a given, is it? Even if the Doppler at home picked up the heartbeat, it makes a world of difference for me to have a doctor tell me it’s true.
I asked the OB about traveling in August. We would like to go visit family and friends in Denver, and people keep asking about having a shower for me there. I can’t go any earlier than August for work reasons, so I asked the doc. Originally we had planned on driving there, as I have a bit of a fear of flying while pregnant. I didn’t before, but in my last pregnancy, one week my baby was alive, and the next he wasn’t. During that week, I took a flight for a wedding. I know in my head that flying had nothing to do with my baby dying, but I may not always be the most rational, especially when it comes to being pregnant. So I asked the doc what he preferred me to do: fly for 2 ½ hours, drive 18 hours, or stay home. He said I should definitely fly, and it will be fine then. I’ll be right at the beginning of my 3rd trimester, and he said there’s no reason why I shouldn’t fly. I should get up at least once during the flight, but it should be easy. He said that driving isn’t contra-indicated, but he will tell me to stop every 1 ½ hours and walk around for at least 15 minutes. Which would make a trip super long. And he said I’ll be very uncomfortable. So we’re following his advice and booking a flight to Denver. But I’m still scared to get on a plane. Hopefully I’ll get over my fear by then.
My next appointment isn’t for another four weeks. I haven’t yet gone two weeks without an appointment, so I’ve been very lucky, but there’s no reason for an appointment any sooner – everything is going very well. The best news is my next appointment is the anatomy scan – we get to find out the sex of the baby!!! On a side note, did you hear about the family in Canada who is raising their child to be gender neutral? Nobody outside the family and the midwives that delivered the baby knows the sex. Interesting idea, but I think it’s a little too weird!