Monday, February 13, 2012

It’s better to be happy and loving than fair

That’s my new motto, and I tell myself this regularly. As you can tell from my previous post, the hubs and I have been struggling – a lot. I really appreciate all the comments from everyone. It’s so nice to have the support of my girlfriends, even if they’re all over the blogosphere! In retrospect, hubs’ comments were not about breast milk at all. I think he’s overwhelmed with being a new parent too, and things are very different in our household than they used to be. I don’t really do well when I’m tired and stressed, and I think I haven’t been the easiest person to be around. Yes, I need help, but instead of being proactive about it and talking to him calmly prior to needing help, I sometimes wait until I’m desperate for help, and a bit frantic. And he does not respond well to that. I’ve been focusing too much on how unfair the distribution of labor is between the two of us, instead of creating a happy home for our baby girl. I even sat down and wrote down each of the tasks that it takes to run our household, from taking out the trash to bathing Alex, quantified the amount of time each task takes, and identified who currently performs each task. What did I learn? That I spend about four times the time each week on our household than the hubs. Not a huge surprise, but what does this gain me?

I thought about sitting the hubs down and showing him this list, telling him he needed to help out more. I thought about how that conversation would go, and couldn’t come up with any scenario in which I would actually get what I want – a more fair household. But is this really that important? I love my husband, and I love Alex, and isn’t that really all that matters? I try not to fight in front of Alex, but as she gets older, she’s going to figure out that Mommy’s bitter and mad all the time, and Daddy is pissed off and saying mean things to Mommy. Is this what I want? Absolutely not. I remember that kind of household. I grew up in that kind of home. I knew for a very long time that my mom and dad hated each other. They stayed together for the “sake of the kids” and I knew that. Finally, when I was twelve, I wrote them a letter asking them to get a divorce, and I told them that staying together for the sake of me is not helping me, it’s only hurting me. I hated being at home, listening to them argue after I went to bed. It was such a tense environment, I swore I would never do that to my child. I really love my husband, and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Why shouldn’t it be a happy and loving home instead of a bitter and maybe fair, but probably not fair, home? Yes, I want to teach my daughter that both parents should participate in the household, and that women aren’t subservient and meant to take care of their men. But if I have to fight her father every day in order to accomplish this, is it worth it? I would rather be a single mom than have her grow up in an unhappy home. So I wrote the hubs this email last week before I went home:

“I’ve decided that a happy household, where you and I are happy with each other and enjoy each other’s company, is much more important to me than trying to achieve some level of fairness, that is really only in my mind. And it’s very important that we create a happy household for Alex to grow up in. I need to accept that both of us at different times will be doing different amounts of work, and that’s just how it is, and it has to be ok. Every couple has struggles when they become parents, and this time is difficult on both of us. We’re both tired, and stressed, and trying to figure out a way to manage. But we need to be nice to each other. That’s the most important thing. Because Alex deserves parents that are loving, both to her and with each other. So I’m going to go home soon, and focus on creating a happy household for us and our daughter. OK?”

I didn’t get an email response, but that night when he came home from work and I was giving Alex a bath, he washed and prepared the bottles for the next day. All on his own, without me asking. For the first time. Since then, we’ve been nice to each other. And I’ve tried to stop tallying in my head everything I do versus everything he does. But he’s been doing more, mostly with me asking, but sometimes on his own as well. I love our home when we’re both nice. We made it through the whole weekend with no fighting, which is huge for us lately! And today, I left him at home for the first day of Daddy Daycare, as we call it. He’s taking care of Alex for three weeks. A couple of you asked last week if he’ll be able to handle it. Yes, I have no concerns with him being able to take care of her. He did it for one day already a few weeks ago, and did just fine. He’s great with her, but he chooses to not take care of her and allows me to do everything, which frustrates me more than if he were incompetent! But I think it’s great that he’s doing this. Yes, it will give him an opportunity to see what it really takes to run things day in and out. But I really want him to be able to bond with her more. A lot of his time will be changing diapers, and feeding and such, but as all of you moms know, that’s when you really bond with your babies. She’s also starting to play a lot more, and he excels at that. But I’m so excited that they will have this time together.

Hubs has lots of ideas of all the things he will accomplish around the house during these three weeks. He asked me to put together a list of things that need to be fixed/painted/organized, etc. I did, but I told him that his only requirement is to take care of Alex, and all of the rest is optional. We’ll see how it goes. I really hope that he doesn’t create additional work, and that the house isn’t a total disaster when I come home in the evenings! But even if it is, as long as Alex is happy, fed and clean, it will be just fine!

20 comments:

  1. I am so happy to read this post!! Maybe he just needed a little bit of a wake up call, and your email did just that. These next three weeks with him alone with the baby will be wonderful. He will see what you go through on a daily basis, he will fall even more in love with his daughter, and hopefully you will fall in love with your husband a little more after seeing the two of them so close. And if the house is a little messy (lord knows that drives me crazy too), try and take a deep breath and let it go. We all have to remember the important things, and if that means he is spending all of his time with her and not able to keep the house up for this short time, that's ok. He'll get there with the whole multitasking. :)

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  2. I admire you ability to put aside your frustrations at his lack of participating. I don't know that I could be that accommodating. :-) You are right, though, it is more important to be happy and nice than to divvy up the work. However, don't forget that you will be happier if he helps out more...which he's doing and that is great! It's a win, win situation. And he will definitely get a first hand experience to what you go through when caring for Alex and taking care of the house. Good for you guys for figuring this out. High fives all around!

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  3. I love your attitude! I'm glad that things are getting a little better. Hang in there, you waited a long time to have your little Alex, you deserve all the joy you can get. Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  4. Good for You!! Real relationships are about setting aside your own righteous indignation (however justified you ay be)and trying to find a happy medium. I'd say you are well on your way to becoming a pro!!

    So glad you have found a clarity and peace in your union. I wish you all the best.

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  5. This is brilliant progress and I'm delighted with the outcome so far! Marriage takes work on both sides and rough patches are only normal specially when things change so much. Much love, Fran

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  6. Hi. I found your blog from another blog and I just wanted to say that you are doing an amazing job. Marriage is hard. Adding a baby makes it even harder. I don't think there will ever be "fair" in each and every marriage. I think every marriage has to find their own dynamic and the balance will shift from one partner to the other. I used to keep track in my head how much work I did at home, and those first few months of parenthood only added to my tally. I felt like I did everything, and maybe I did do everything, but I had to let it go. I had to realize that my husband is not a mind reader. I had to realize that stomping through the house like a crazy person was not the answer. I had to be more loving to everyone in the house. My son (Alexander) is not 17 months old, and I still have those crazy moments, but life is so much happier when we are all kind and loving, and sometimes we each (even our husbands) need a reminder. Hang in there, you are doing great!

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  7. it sounds like things are really turning around for you guys. I think you did a great thing by starting the conversation like you did...your goal is happiness for everyone. I hope that your hubs does a great job at home with Alex and things continue to go well. xoxo

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  8. That sounds super productive. I still think it's not fair!! ha ha ha... But I think that once your husband finds out how much work everything is without you (and by 'everything' I mean basic care of the baby-- if he's any kind of normal male, he won't even consider cleaning the toilet), he'll realize he needs to help out more on his own (and maybe start to understand why you get crabby after doing 4x more work than he does!). I am very impressed by everything you're managing to hold together over there!

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  9. It sounds like you have been through a lot and are now trying to justify his bad behavior. Please do take care of yourself. No one deserves to be abused, physically or mentally.

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  10. You are far better a wife than I am! I can't keep from having a mental scoreboard in my head of who does what. I get so frustrated being the one that does it all at home and works 50+hrs/wk (when at work). Idon't know how things will shake out with a baby in the mix. I hope I'm able to put on my big girl britches and think how you are. It is definitely better to be happy and loving and to raise a child in that environment than to have things equally split. I hope his 3w of Daddy duty not only give hime and Alex bonding time, but give him a deeper apreciation of all that you do!

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  11. The idea of privileging anything ahead of justice is almost unthinkable to me. But still, you're probably right. And as you've demonstrated, you catch more flies with honey...

    Here's hoping you're embarking on a new and deepening season of peace and understanding.

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  12. I think what you are doing is incredibly positive. It is for the happiness of your family and that is what matters the most. I hope that it continues to lead to positive outcomes for all of you.

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  13. I don't think that's a very good idea. The message you will teach your girls (even subconsciously) is 'you must put up with his unfairness to you because you love him'. My two cents.

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  14. Oh Alex, I was so happy to read that the hubs is putting forth and effort. I admire you for being the bigger person and realizing what's important is a happy environment for your baby! I hope your hubby keeps up with a good track record.

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  15. i am a new reader via misfit's blog. i just had to comment that although i'm hoping that things improve with you and your hubby, it is refreshing for me to read what you're going through... because i'm going through almost the same experience. i thought i was the only one whose husband was very hands-off... every other bloggy husband seems to be swooping in to scoop up the baby and declaring the baby the absolute best thing ever and yearning to hold them and feed them and being superdad about helping. i appreciate your honesty... i know my husband loves our daughter like no other, but it is hard when he chooses not to play with her or hold her, even for me to take a shower, etc.

    hang in there though- i think your new approach is great!

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  16. It sorta happens that way, that men don't jump in like we think they should. I just left the house for hours every couple of days to force it upon him, think of it as a crash course, lol. Breathe deep lovely lady, it does get easier or just more rhythmic.

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  17. I think it will be good for him to be with her one on one all day. Maybe it will help him to feel more comfortable doing things-- and also he will learn more about what it takes to care care of her and all that you do!

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  18. Anxious for another update, Alex! I thought I commented on this post already, but apparently not... Even though I'm not a mom, I think that the title of this post is applicable in so many situations. I find myself forgiving and forgetting more quickly w/ my husband. I'd rather be happy than fighting and trying to prove my point.

    <3

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  19. Hi Alex! This is true for so many situations. I have had good results with P and also with a certain coworker when I have refocused my efforts from changing them to accepting the situation or adjusting my expectations... usually I am pleasantly surprised by the outcome! So glad to see this has happened to some degree with hubs.

    Pumping at work and I can't help thinking of you. So funny that I sit at my desk and alternately think of Amelia and Alex's Adventures while pumping, haha.

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  20. I just got in a fight with my husband about the same thing. I think it is a common thing to fight about the first year. I can't wait for an update!

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