Monday, April 2, 2012

Just doing my best

This mothering thing is hard. And I’m not talking about my normal complaints of there’s so much to do, and not enough hours in the day, blah, blah, blah. I think I was expecting that part. The hardest thing about mothering is not knowing what to do, and feeling guilty and conflicted about the decisions I make. I wish I were more confident, and that I had stronger instincts. Some women talk about this mothering instinct that just takes over, but I don’t feel that, at least about the big things. I think the minute by minute stuff I can figure out, or instinct takes over, but what about the big things? Like getting your child to sleep at night, and when to start solids, or what I’m dealing with right now – why is my baby sick?

Alex was sent home on Thursday from daycare due to vomiting and diarrhea. She seemed incredibly happy still, just couldn’t keep everything down. Looked like your average stomach virus. And so we started a regimen of pedialyte and once she could keep that down for awhile, a little bit of breast milk or formula. Small and often meals, as directed by the doc. The last time she threw up was around noon on Saturday, and then the last time she had diarrhea was Saturday night. Upon the recommendation of the hubs (who, as a reminder, is not pro-breast feeding, and has been encouraging me to quit for months), we only fed her formula yesterday (Sunday). And she seemed fine. The daycare’s rule is she needs to be symptom free for 24 hours before she can return, so she was allowed to return today, but I chose to stay home with her and watch her. I wanted to make sure she was back to a full day of milk with no pedialyte before I sent her back to daycare. So I nursed her this morning like normal, except I made her take a break in the middle so she would have small and often meals instead of a lot of milk all at once. A few hours later, she threw up all over. And then an hour later, threw up some more. She seems to be reacting poorly to my breast milk. All the evidence over the last few days makes it look like she can keep formula down, but throws up breast milk.

And so, I’m thinking of quitting. I know I shouldn’t quit over a few days of maybe coincidences with a potentially sick baby, but it seems so odd. There’s no fever, she doesn’t act like anything’s wrong, except she throws up breast milk. I’ve actually been thinking of throwing in throwing in the breast feeding towel for awhile. I’m sick of pumping at work, and everything that is involved. I’ve spent five months (can you believe my baby is five months old???) fighting my low milk supply so she has always had formula as well as breast milk, and I’ve hated all of the supply issues, from the herbs to the domperidone, to the constant pumping. But I love knowing that I’m giving my baby immunities (yeah right – look how sick she is!) and I really like the physical act of nursing. I love how excited she gets when she sees my boobs and how she attacks me. I love how she looks up at me, and sometimes gets the biggest grin on her face, with milk spilling down her face. I love how if she wakes up in the middle of the night, all I have to do is grab her, bring her in my bed, give her a boob, and she drifts off happily to sleep. I will miss this so much.

But what if I’m making her sick? I called the doctor, and spoke with the nurse – she said it’s highly unlikely that I’m suddenly making her sick, that it’s a coincidence. But for the last five days, I’ve given her breast milk, and she pukes. And I give her formula, and she keeps it down. My husband of course thinks I should quit. He agreed to stay home from work tomorrow if she was sick, but now he thinks that it’s because I gave her breast milk, so he’s giving me a hard time about staying home.

I wish there was an answer, and that this decision was easier. I’m so conflicted. I want to do the best thing for Alex, but I feel like I’m poisoning her with my milk! At least with formula I know that it’s good for her. I think the most important time for breast feeding has passed – I got her through two rounds of shots, right? I thought I would fight stronger for breast feeding, but after infertility, and after my struggles with my milk supply, I no longer have confidence in my body to feed my child. In fact, I now think that I’m hurting her with it…

19 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm so sorry - this sounds extra rough. I wish I had some practical advice for you, but I'm only in the planning stages of breastfeeding. I hope you can figure it out soon, either way. All I can offer is that the fact that you even worry if you're doing the right thing means you ARE (whatever you decide). Poor parents don't consider such questions!

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  2. First, hugs to you. I hear you about not knowing what is what. I always question whether or not I am doing any of this corectly.

    As far as the BFing, you need to do what's best for your sanity. I think that formula fed babies are just as healthy as bfing ones. However, for what it's worth, A will puke my milk if I eat something that does not agree with him. I went on an elimination diet and found the culprit (soy and dairy products), so as long as I avoid those, I have a happy baby.

    Again, do what makes you the best mom that you can be.

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  3. I wish I had some wisdom, but all I know is that you are doing the very best you can for your little one.

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  4. That sounds rough! I am so sorry. I've no great advice, just follow what your heart/mind say...and keep yourself sane at the same time. You are an amazing mom, no matter what!!!

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  5. I'm sorry, Alex. Your Vegas pal here seems like a wise mom. Maybe there is so ething you are eating? You are in the rank of super mom with hanging on to breast feeding as long as this. The fact that you have made it so far speaks volumes that you are good at the big stuff, even if your confidence is shaken. It is okay to stop and it is okay to continue. With as much pressure on you to quit, try to find what is best for you. I know how hard this is and I know that either way, you can't make a bad call.

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  6. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this! Maybe it's a thickness issue? Maybe try mixing a little rice cereal in with your breast-milk and see if she can keep that down better. Our pediatrician recommended we use that in formula because of Aiden's reflux issues and he doesn't spit up his rice cereal bottles.
    Good luck, it's so hard to know what to do sometimes.

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  7. I agree that maybe it is something you are eating or something like that, not specifically breast milk. I don't know what I'm going to do when "Big stuff" becomes critical. We are just following Em's personal schedule rather than forcing her to ours. And I can't imagine if she was sick. I think that a sick for mystery reasons babies are a mom's hell.

    What ever you do decide on, it will be the right decision for the both of you. Congrats on 5m BFing! You should definitely be proud of yourself for making it this far with all those issues whether you continue or not.

    You're a great mom! Keep it up!

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  8. I feel the same way as you do...I didn't expect feeling so clueless with the "big stuff" either. It seems like it goes from one topic to another. Now that my daughter is 22 months and I look back I think the first six months were the hardest because there were the most questions.

    Personally if you and your daughter like breast feeding I think it's worth sticking with. Maybe you could remove some of the foods that are known to cause sensitivities (dairy, soy, chocolate, caffeine, etc) for a few weeks and see if it improves? If you want to quite no one is going to judge you for that...just make sure it's what you want to do and you aren't caving just because your DH isn't supportive. I think if you do it just because of that you will resent him for it.

    Keep your head up, you're doing a great job!!!!

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  9. I agree-- some of these decisions are so hard! And there is so much conflicting advice out there, that it's pretty much worse than no help at all. I agree with everyone who said that whatever you decide to do will be fine! It may also not be all-or-none. I wonder if you could cut back on bf'ing (so you don't have to pump at work, but can still enjoy those moments with Little Alex)? Or is that not possible, considering your supply issues?

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  10. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I don't have any great advice but I hope that you can figure out something that works the best for all of you!

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  11. I'm still pissed that your husband isn't more supportive. I'm so sorry that you have felt, even for a moment, that your breastmilk isn't the best thing for Alex. I've had some moments with my little girl crying at the breast and it just feels so awful, when suddenly, the one thing that only you can do for her doesn't seem right anymore. Sigh. Whatever you do on this is the best choice for you. Fight for bf-ing if you want to keep it in your life, but if it doesn't feel worth it, throw in that milky towel! Sending love no matter what you decide.

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  12. Maybe Alex is reacting to something you've added to your diet??? I nursed/pumped for six months, then it was emotionally too hard. Once I stopped, things were so much better for me mentally! And li felt good that I had stuck at it for six months, the most crucial time (in my option).

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  13. Hi Alex. I doubt it is your milk that is making her sick. It is a bug that is working it's way out of her little system. If you want to keep bfing, I think you should persevere, and not quit because of pressure from hubs or anyone else. I like Lesley's suggestion of maybe dropping the pumping and keeping the morning and evening nursing if possible. If stopping bfing would be freeing, please do it, by all means. Whatever you decide to do, do it for you, because Alex will be healthy and cared for no matter what.

    I hear you on the big parenting decisions... xoxo.

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  14. I don't have any advice but I hope she feels better soon!

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  15. Oh I'm sorry, Alex:( It's a very tough thing and a very tough thing when there are other issues on top of supply issues (a friend just quit because her daughter had food allergies, and she couldn't figure out what she was eating that set her off...but that type of thing doesn't come on suddenly from what I understand). I think, a) the nurse is probably right, and it's coincidence, and, b) you really have done wonderfully with the herbs and the pumping and everything. As you know, we also had supply issues and O's doctor wanted me to make it to the Month 4 shots, and then gave me her blessing for quitting after that.

    I'd say, though - don't get railroaded into making this decision. It truly is your decision to make and I think - barring serious food allergies, which does not at ALL sound like the case - you should continue if it's what you want. I also think Lesley's suggestion is a good one.

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  16. if YOU want to give up breastfeeding, then you should.

    I agree that nothing is as sweet and wonderful and a grin with my daughter on my boob. and for that reason, I keep breastfeeding. I cut my work pumping to one pump a day, though. I do believe that BFing as long as possible is best for baby and that the most important time for breastfeeding is until the 1st bday. I dont know that I will make it that long, but thats my goal.

    also, count me in with the people who think you might be eating something that baby doesnt really like.

    good luck. whatever decision you make is the right one for you. =)

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  17. You are doing so amazing woman. I had all these thoughts and you are handling it way better than I ever did. I cried and stressed myself to uselessness when I had to quit breastfeeding. But, look at it this way. By the time kiddo number two comes (cause there will be a number 2- I'm rooting for you) you will be armed with information about your body and your expectations and knowledge that all of this will be just another piece of helpful and informative info under your belt.

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  18. I'm so sorry! I agree with the nurse, it sounds unlikely that you're making her sick, it's probably a coincidence. But, if you are ready to throw in the towel, do what is best for you! What makes mama happy makes a happy baby. i don't know what I'm doing with the big stuff, either, but I just do my best to listen to Cheeks and follow his lead. Sometimes he sends me some seriously mixed signals though :-)

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  19. I don't have any advice, but I hope that Little Alex feels better soon (and, for what it's worth, even if you do stop - you aren't "quitting"!).

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