Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Why Not Now?


The hubs, Alex and I were sitting having dinner last night – all three of us!  This rarely happens, as usually hubs gets home from work right before bedtime.  And usually we eat on the couch, watching TV.  But last night he was home early, and dinner was actually ready at the same time Alex usually eats, so all of us sat down to eat – it was fabulous.  We did something that normally happens over family dinners, but doesn’t happen that often in our house – we talked.  And he brought up the next baby…

The plan was simple.  Wait until Alex was a year old, then head to the doctor’s office for a FET.  We are so lucky to have five embryos on ice, waiting for us.  We have absolutely no interest in trying naturally for any extended time.  I don’t want to take my temps or pee on ovulation sticks or anything like that.  I don’t think my sanity can handle that part…  So we had been operating under the plan to do a FET around November, I guess.  But we never really discussed it.  And then we booked a cruise for December.  I started doing the math in my head about timing of cycles, and not really wanting to be pregnant while on a cruise.  And really enjoying my time off of treatments, and pregnancy, and breastfeeding.  And really enjoying my super easy baby, who rarely gets up at night, and doesn’t make me exhausted.  And I’ve been working hard at exercising, and just signed up for an online boot camp program that starts Monday and lasts 8 weeks.  (So far I’m 6 pounds under pre-pregnancy weight, which was 18 pounds above wedding weight!)  So I had decided that I wasn’t going to bring it up.  I know, super communicative, huh?

But then the Hubs said last night that he thinks we should try to do a transfer in August or September.  Um, what???  He said it was obviously up to me as it was my body, but he talked about wanting to just get it done – move beyond this part of our life, which I completely understand.  And we’re talking about moving to Colorado, and it would be easier to not have to worry about doing a FET in Denver, transferring the embryos and all that.  We talked about it, and I told him I would think about it.

I have really liked having my break.  Yes, we’ve been half-heartedly trying naturally, but I would only have a couple days of anxiety each month, wondering if I was pregnant.  If I go back to the clinic, and go through a FET, then it will be a huge deal again – all the anxiety and worrying and stress.  But I know I have to do it at some point – I have lost all hope of conceiving naturally.  It would be nice to get it over with.  Because the next baby will be it.  No more, not going through this again.  In fact, I think I’ll get my tubes tied during the c-section, if I’m so lucky to actually get pregnant.  Not that I think I’ll ever get pregnant naturally, but I want to eliminate the possibility so I don’t wonder every month if it could happen. 

I think it’s hilarious that hubs and I are planning this out.  Like we can just order it up at a store, assuming the FET will work.  “If we do the FET in August or September, we could have a June baby!”  It’s like we think we’re fertile, like we can simply plan it out and it will happen.  How arrogant is this!  How quickly we forget that it may not work, and I might miscarry again.  I told hubs that I would be much more willing if we could just get a 5 month old baby, and not have to go through the pregnancy and the early months of newborn again.  Those were a bear!  I actually really liked the pregnancy part, except for the anxiety.  I hated worrying about my baby.  I hope it will be easier next time, if only because I’ll have the distraction of baby Alex.  But who knows…

It seems quick, jumping back into this when Alex will be 9 or 10 months old, but I just want to be done.  I don’t want to do this anymore – this baby making thing.  It would be nice to close this chapter, and call our family complete.  Because it’s not yet.  I love Alex, and if we had to make it work, she would be enough.  But I really want a sibling for her.  More than anything, that is what is driving me – creating a sibling for Alex.  I don’t know if there is an ideal time for it, but it would be nice to just get it done.  And so, I think I’ll make that phone call to set up an appointment with the doc…

22 comments:

  1. I had to laugh at your non-communicative self. That's pretty much how I've been dealing with thoughts of TTC#2.

    There will never be a perfect time to try - that's for sure. You just have do what feels right to you, and if that means jumping back into the game and getting it all "over with" asap, then so be it!

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  2. If you decide to move forward with it we could be cycle buddies =) I'll be starting BCP when AF arrives for a FET in September. You may just want to make an appointment with the RE to get the updated testing out of the way and see what their FET protocol looks like. Might as well have all the information to make the decision. GL!!!

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  3. Good for you Alex, if you are both ready, why wait? I will be rooting for you, of course! Summer is an awesome time to have a baybee!

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  4. Ahhh how exciting! I definitely understand your worries, but it sounds like you guys are ready :-) I will be anxiously following you!

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  5. I'm so excited for you!!!!!I agree, go for it!

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  6. May as well go for it! I can appreciate wanting to just move on from this phase of your lives, I totally get it...

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  7. Wow!!! Maybe you shouldn't have another sit-down mean again for a while... ;)

    But in all seriousness, that's really exciting! I understand the feeling of wanting to be done. Which is kind of amazing that I even understand it, since I have yet to have a baby. But DH and I have discussed wanting to do an FET with our remaining embryo in a similar time frame to what you are on now, just to try and get it over with.

    Can't wait for some more updates :)

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  8. Oh my!! you too so! I completely understand what you are saying and in a way my lack of tubes really relaxed me about never having to even thing "what if this month will work". It was like being freed. We too have 5 on ice, lets hope there is a little baby number two there for both of of us. Much love, Fran

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  9. Yowsa, that's exciting stuff! Betcha didn't sit down to that family dinner thinking *that* is what would come out of it! Look forward to hearing what's next!

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  10. Eek, good luck with everything! You know I feel the same way as you, I want a sibling for Chloe, but don't know if I'm ready yet, I want to be pregnant again, but don't want to take meds, chart, etc. It's such an up and down roller coaster and I'm ready to get off too! But...I don't know if I can ever get off. Do we as IF'ers every get off? Can't wait to hear what you all plan to do!

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  11. I know exactly how you feel, about not wondering anymore. We have a plan in line and at some point my husband (w/ severe MFI) is going to get vasectomy...

    And like you, I look forward to when we get to the point where I just don't have to think about it ever again.

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  12. keep your eyes on the prize and know this is a worth while journey despite the stress and anxiety. stay positive and know in your heart what it is you really want. then just go for it! good luck.

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  13. I'm really excited for you, but I absolutely understand the "rush" feeling, the desire to just have it over with. I think about that sometimes, getting going so that we can get it over with. Or, no, that sounds bad... so we can get THROUGH it!

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  14. No time like the present right? Congratson this big decision! I can't wait to hear all about this next go round!

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  15. Yep, I get this feeling. Not wanting to be back into the crap infertility and cycling brings, wanting to be done with your two+ perfect kids, and keeping going because you desperately want a sibling for #1. That's why I'm praying so hard our IUI works out next month. Wouldn't it be glorious to finally be pregnant again and have all of this crap being us? That is the dream, my friend. I hope that when you do decide to do your FET, your penguins rise to the occasion and you end up with a June baby. ;)

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  16. whoa, a lot to think about! I feel you on all this - I'm so enjoying my time "off" my body being mine - but I'm not getting any younger, and this will never get any easier.


    le sigh! excited to hear what you two decide!

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  17. I also think that if you're ready (at least on most levels) then it's okay to go for it. Though I do know what you mean about being (more or less happily) on the bench.

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  18. That's great! I hope it works on the first try. (I'm thinking like a fertile person, right?). :)

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  19. Ugh, such a complicated decision. Hoping you and hubby are able to reach a decision about when, one that you both feel comfortable with.

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  20. Good luck with making the call and with your future decisions! I am no where near being ready and LM might end up being an only child.

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