Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Missing You

Today is the due date of my baby that I lost in June. I had five wonderful weeks with my little one – five weeks from the time I got my BFP to the time I had the ultrasound and there no longer was a heartbeat. My baby died at 8 ½ weeks, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t remember him.

I wish I could go back, I wish I could relive that time. I’m afraid that I never will have a time of pure and complete joy in another pregnancy. Because now I know what can happen. After I knew it wasn’t ectopic like my first, I was thrilled beyond belief. I thought I was going to have a baby in January. I was so happy, and couldn’t wait to meet my little one.

It’s been hard watching my bloggy friends have their babies. I have quite a few bloggy friends that have had their babies in the last month, and a couple more to go, all of which were my early pregnancy buddies. They are still my friends, and I’m thrilled that they are now (or soon will be) mothers. But I can’t help but think about the times we had when I was also pregnant right alongside them.

As I embark on my first FET cycle, I’m feel… I don’t know. I thought I would be pregnant by now. I thought there wouldn’t be any way that I would have this due date come and pass without succeeding at one of our treatments since. But here I am. And I don’t have a lot of hope for the upcoming FET, I just feel like it’s something I must do. All I feel today is sadness and longing for my baby that I lost in June. He was the one – he was supposed to be my child. And for some reason my body rejected him. But I will always remember him, as he taught me what it feels like to be a mother.
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50 comments:

  1. MichelleJanuary 25, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    **hugs** today is a hard day. Be kind to yourself.

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  2. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 10:29 AM

    (((hugs)))

    What a beautiful, sad post.
    Thinking of you today. <3

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  3. MicheleJanuary 25, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    Remembering your little one with you and thinking of you today...

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  4. LesleyJanuary 25, 2011 at 10:52 AM

    I'm so sorry Alex. Worse than due dates come and gone are the babies born around when yours should have been. Your loss was so tragic-- I wish so much that it didn't have to happen. BUT I have lots of hope for the future, especially the upcoming FET. I'm thinking of you in your grief today, but I am also thinking positively for your future as soon-to-be mom, and I am excited for that future... It's coming soon, it has to be.

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  5. HopeJanuary 25, 2011 at 10:55 AM

    I'm right there with you, Alex, missing your baby with you, and mine. I'm crying for you right now. I could almost have written this post, myself. Only the details are different. (((Hugs)))

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  6. LuluJanuary 25, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    Treat yourself well today and do what you need to do to get through it. We all love and support you.

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  7. cdgJanuary 25, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    Oh Alex, I am so sorry for this sad, sad day. It is clear how much you loved and wanted this baby boy. All baby loss is tragic, but when it is combined with infertility there is that extra bit of sting that there is no escape from.
    I know how badly you want this FET to work and I also know that that still will not make up for all that you have been through.
    sending love your way and holding you and your baby boy in my thoughts today...

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  8. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 11:24 AM

    I am so sorry my friend! I know how hard this must be for you. My thoughts are with you!

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  9. unaffectedJanuary 25, 2011 at 11:56 AM

    Thinking of you today, Alex. Big hugs!

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  10. ChelleJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:00 PM

    It is hard to be robbed of something that should be our God-given rite and not feel the loss so deeply. I pray for you often, and will continue to do so.

    *hugs*

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  11. AnnieJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:17 PM

    Unfulfilled due dates are SO hard! Thinking of you today.

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  12. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:26 PM

    Alex, so sorry about your the loss of your precious baby. It is so heart breaking. Please don't lose hope for your upcoming FET!. The fact that you became pregnant in the past increases the chance of having another BFP (I've read). The important question might be how to carry your baby to full term pregnancy next time. I think that your body can do this! I am positive. Please keep trying.
    I think that it is good idea for you to listen to your own advice and gut feeling about how many embryos to transfer. (2 embroys might be better than 3) I wish I had a psychic ability to see into future, but your gut feeling does say something. Whatever you decide, I hope it is the right one. I will pray for you along your journey!

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  13. StephanieJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:29 PM

    Thinking of you today. That little one will always be yours. I'm glad you had the time you did, even if it was way too short. Many people don't even get to experience that amount of joy, but I'm glad you did.

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  14. LexJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:34 PM

    I'm very sorry. It's just so hard to have those bittersweet memories and have them be all you have. I also expected to have a baby this month, or at least still be pregnant

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  15. Glass Case of EmotionJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:35 PM

    I think you and I were pregnant at the same time (when I had my ectopic) and I've been seeing people have their babies and thinking the same thing. I knew mine was doomed pretty early on, but there was always that hope still... so yes, I can completely understand why you feel this way. And even though the scenario sucked, I am so happy you had that little one to love- you will always be his mother too. Hugs.

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  16. jill's infertility documentJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    Thinking of you on this hard day. hugs to you.

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  17. TeeJayJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:44 PM

    I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I can't imagine the pain you are in. I know it's easier said than done but try not to lose hope for your FET. We are hoping for great things for you.

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  18. TrinityJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:54 PM

    Your baby is loved and missed, and your pregnancy, Alex, is meaningful. I hate that you're seeing this day come and go, but I'm glad that you can honor this day in the company of friends who care and understand. And always remember...on those days when your hope feels scarce, there are those of us who've got you covered. We've got enough hope for you, dearie.

    Big hug...

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  19. Still A Guest RoomJanuary 25, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    Thinking of you on what must be an incredibly hard day.

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  20. kkasunJanuary 25, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    Oh, hugs. What a hard day.
    I will be thinking of you.

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  21. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 1:19 PM

    Thinking of you and your baby, Alex, especially today.

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  22. FranJanuary 25, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    My dear Alex, I've been there too. And sure I know well we were celebrating together last May...I've really been there when you are the one who's left behind. I so so appreciate you kept reading my blog and commenting. I had done the same with my cyber friends who were pregnant with me but then for me it was ectopic number 2. It's hard. But it will happen for you too, there absolutely no reason why it won't. And how you will feel when you'll be pregnant again it's very hard to say...I've always worried. Never enjoyed it (fearing the worse all the time). But there are people who despite losses they get to truly cherish every minute of their pregnancy. I wish you'll be one of them. Much love, Fran

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  23. clewisJanuary 25, 2011 at 2:18 PM

    im so very sorry. your time will defentely come. you will get your baby. try to stay positive. x

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  24. GurleeJanuary 25, 2011 at 2:20 PM

    It is so difficult, I am thinking of you today, the day of your unfulfilled due date, I am sorry. I feel very similarly to you. Embarking on a second ivf but not really feeling it. It is so difficult to see others in a place we should have been. Sending you hugs and good thoughts & hope that we both get our lasting bfps resulting in a take healthy take home baby!

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  25. A m a n d aJanuary 25, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    I hope today brings you some closure. I know when I went through my EDD in December, I felt relieved to say 'I had made it'. Unfortunately, miscarriages change us forever, but they make us appreciate our future pregnancies just that much more.

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  26. LauraJanuary 25, 2011 at 2:25 PM

    Aww Alex, I am so sorry that you are having a rough week with the due date coming. I am hoping that the FET goes well and that you feel better soon. Just know that you've got tons of people thinking of you and wishing you the best.

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  27. tishiJanuary 25, 2011 at 2:50 PM

    There is not much I can say but I'm sorry and I wish things were different for you. All of us are behind you and pulling for you...all the prayers are going your way through this FET.

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  28. KellyJanuary 25, 2011 at 3:05 PM

    Alex, I'm so sorry. Nothing takes the pain away but know that you're in my thoughts.

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  29. Circus PrincessJanuary 25, 2011 at 3:20 PM

    Lots of love and warm hugs coming your way!

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  30. Brave IVF GirlJanuary 25, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    Right there with you. *hugs*

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  31. ousoonerchickJanuary 25, 2011 at 4:33 PM

    Hang in there!! The pain suck! Losing a baby is horrible. I hope FET will be your answer.

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  32. RebeccaJanuary 25, 2011 at 4:54 PM

    Sending you so much love, sweetie. I really know how you feel. It has een so hard to watch those who were due right around this time. Im happy for them, but I'm sad for us. Your little one is always remembered.

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  33. Mel.January 25, 2011 at 5:20 PM

    I'm so sorry, Alex! I've been thinking of you and your sweet baby often lately too.... Huge hugs to you!

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  34. hopeisafourletterwordJanuary 25, 2011 at 5:23 PM

    So sorry for your sad day, thinking of you.

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  35. AnonymousJanuary 25, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    thinking of you and your baby today....

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  36. AnonymousJanuary 26, 2011 at 4:46 AM

    Beautiful and sad post. Thinking of you.

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  37. Nick and KristiJanuary 26, 2011 at 6:52 AM

    Alex so sorry you are going through this:( I still think of my four little lost babes even now...Never something you really forget:( and certain people I know IRL were pregnant same time as me and when I see their children I still think wow I should have a 1 yr old...6 mo old...ect...

    Anyways Im hopeful for your upcoming cycle..FET are def a lot less stressful:)

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  38. lady pumpkinJanuary 26, 2011 at 7:26 AM

    Oh, sweetie. Holding you in my heart today (and yesterday). These are such tough days to watch go by. Hugshugshugs.

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  39. Nessa LomivaJanuary 26, 2011 at 8:40 AM

    I am so sorry, Alex. It's been so long since I was pregnant (three years since my first, and two and a half since my second), and while I did forget what it was like to feel pregnant, I didn't forget.
    You will feel better as time passes, but these feelings will stay with you forever. Such is the way of life.

    {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

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  40. LisaBJanuary 26, 2011 at 9:16 AM

    ((BIG HUGS)) xx

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  41. CeejayJanuary 26, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    Sigh. I'm so sad that you aren't holding that little one in your arms today. I hope the day yesterday wasn't too painful and that you can move on and find some fresh hope for this next cycle.

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  42. LmacJanuary 26, 2011 at 3:40 PM

    this is a lovely post, my heart goes out to you. many, many hugs.

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  43. AnxiousMummyto3January 26, 2011 at 5:41 PM

    I am so sorry your lost your precious baby and that you have the added heartbreak of not being pregnant again yet. My thoughts are on your upcoming FET a lot of the time and hoping it is the lucky cycle for you. (((HUGE HUGS)))

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  44. christinaJanuary 26, 2011 at 10:23 PM

    I am so sorry. I know how difficult it is to remember the baby and what might have been. You're in my thoughts and I am hoping for the best with the FET!

    I like to think that all of our little angels are having a "Happy Due Date" party for your peanut!

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  45. AnonymousJanuary 27, 2011 at 4:54 AM

    Hey there, hope you are doing okay. You have a blog award to pick up at mine if you are game.

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  46. ALJanuary 27, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    I'm sorry I'm so late to comment ~ thinking of you and your lost baby. It's so hard to think of what might have been, had things worked out and watch people around you become mothers. You will never forget your lost little one...he will always be a part of you.

    Hugs, Alex.

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  47. AdeleJanuary 27, 2011 at 1:02 PM

    I'm also chiming in late. I'm sorry, Alex. It's so very hard to face that loss. And no matter how glad we may feel for others, it's hard not to wonder why we can't be in their boat. You WILL get there.

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  48. AmyJanuary 30, 2011 at 6:46 PM

    I'm so sorry, Alex. I know this is a very tender time for you. I wish you the best of luck on this FET.
    Also, I gave you an award from my blog. Thanks for your support and encouragement to me.

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  49. Princess Wahna Bea MamaFebruary 3, 2011 at 5:09 AM

    I'm so sorry, Alex. I know there are no words. I can't know how you feel, but I know that our due date from our cancelled cycle that I was sure was "the one" would have been smack dab in the middle of the due dates of five of my friends from my infertility support group and my sister-in-law. I'm dreading May/June. I'm new to blogging and I am so thankful that brave women like you are willing to share your experiences. Even when we can't take each other's pain away, it is good to know you aren't alone. And you are definitely not alone. Take care of yourself.

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  50. Three Cats and a BabyFebruary 7, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    Beautiful post. That date must have been so hard. Thinking of you.

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