It’s Done!

I finally made it through the week, and made it to a fabulous transfer of two beautiful embryos today. It went pretty well. It’s amazing how if you’ve gone through something before, it’s so much easier and much less scary. I just walked in there knowing the routine, and it was definitely easy. I wonder how easy it will be if I keep doing this! Jus t kidding – should try to stay more positive…

We, or I guess I should say I, decided on transferring two embryos. I sent the hubs all kinds of information about the risk of triplets, and he said that yes, it’s scary, but he still wanted to do three embryos. I kept trying to talk to him about it, trying to get him to see my point, but he didn’t. Finally he just told me that it’s my body, I get to make the decision, but he didn’t agree. And so it was. If this doesn’t work, I may go for three…

Last time I was so positive - just so sure it was going to work. And it didn’t. I’ve felt that with IUI’s, and with the IVF. And had overwhelming failure. But this time, I don’t know. I hate to admit that I feel a little hope, but not that much. Maybe that will get me through these two weeks a little easier. Who knows?

A friend in real life told me she heard about the pineapple thing, and then one of the nurses at the office today told me about it, and so, here I am, eating pineapple. Eating one-fourth of a pineapple, including the core, every day for four days, starting the day of transfer. There’s some kind of enzyme in there that is supposed to help with implantation. I always thought it was kind of bogus, but now I’m willing to do just about anything… Aren’t we all?

So here I am, on bed rest until Monday morning, hoping these two little guys grab on and hold on tightly. I have a fabulous weekend planned of cross stitch, organizing paperwork, tax return, and movies. I went to the grocery store this morning and got all kinds of healthy snacks and good food. And the friend that is staying with us and is an amazing cook, and has offered to make dinner sometime this weekend, so that will be nice. They just left for an evening out, which is just fine. I still feel a little off from the Valium (fabulous drug, by the way).

I hope the next two weeks until the beta will go quickly. I still have a lot of work to do, I’m hosting a baby shower next weekend, and the hubs is having outpatient surgery during that time. So I hope all this will keep me distracted, so I can achieve my number one goal: no peeing on anything! For the first time ever, I’m going to try really hard not to pee on ANYTHING!!!! Because I’ve learned nothing good can come from peeing – Nothing! (Yes, I’m trying to convince myself as well…)

So I’ll sign off and start my first order of business for bedrest – reading blogs! I’m so behind! Can’t wait to hear what you lovely ladies are up to…

I Hate Progesterone

I don’t know why I forget. But every time I take progesterone, I remember that I hate it SO MUCH! I think it’s because I only hate it for a few days, and then I get over it. But a few days after I start taking it, my body freaks out - bad.

I started taking Crinone 8% on Sunday, twice per day. In an FET cycle, the ovaries are pretty much shut down, so they don’t create estrogen or progesterone like they’re supposed to. I’ve been taking estrogen via pills and patches for a couple weeks now, and then I added progesterone. I was fine the first couple days, but last night I was not fine!

I spent from about 3 – 5 am clutching my belly, going back and forth between the bathroom and bed, but not being effective in my bathroom time… I didn’t feel constipated, but I just felt pain and nausea. It hurt so bad – unlike any kind of pain I’ve ever had. Finally about 5 am it subsided a little, and I was able to sleep a little, but only if I was on my stomach in a contorted position and didn’t move. I feel somewhat better today, and I pooped a little after downing a bunch of Metamucil and oatmeal. But I really hope I feel better soon. At least by Friday – the FET Time!!!

I’m so stressed at work. We have a huge deadline of getting some stuff out to the Board of Directors at work for their meeting next week. I told everyone including my bosses that we had to get everything out by the end of the day tomorrow (Thursday). And then my head boss pushed – can’t we send it out on Friday? Um yes, but I won’t be here on Friday to supervise the process of sending it out. So now I have to write detailed lists to people on what exactly to do to get this information to the Board. Yes, I’m a control freak. But this is the Board – it has to be perfect! And do I trust my immediate boss or the guy that works for me to get it right? I don’t know… I wish I was going to be here to do it. And I have a list a mile long of things that need to be done by the time I leave work tomorrow. Oh, and the hubs and I need to move furniture, wash sheets, and clean the house tonight before a friend of ours comes to stay for a week tomorrow. Seriously??? Sometimes it seems like it’s all too much.

Oh yeah, and the hubs told our friend that’s coming that we could go out to dinner with a bunch of people on Saturday night. I had to remind him that I would be on bed rest – sure he could go, but I would be flat on my back. Where have you been, dear hubs? We’ve done this before – no, I can’t just run out and have dinner, silly! Did you forget about all this? Men - ugh!

All I have to say is my body better get used to the progesterone very soon. I will keep drinking the Metamucil and such, and hopefully I won’t have another painful night…

Coming Up for Air

I feel like I’m coming up for air for the first time in awhile. Things at work are finally slowing down – a bit. I forgot to mention here that we’ve been remodeling at home for the last couple months as well – crazy! But the new carpet is coming today, and that’s the almost final step in the process – all the paint and everything had to be done before the carpet. Plus I’m not allowed to paint anymore after the transfer on Friday…

But things are good. I’m finally trying to think positively about the transfer coming up. It’s weird – I’ve been so incredibly out of it as far as anticipation and excitement for this FET. But it’s coming up faster than I thought – holy crap – it’s almost here. I have so much ambivalence – and fear – about doing this again. I got to the point last week that I really didn’t want to do it. Why can’t we just live without children? I don’t want to go through all the fear and worry of being pregnant. It’s not going to be this magical time that other people get to experience, it’s just not! Why would I want to do this?

I talked for awhile on Friday with my therapist about this. She told me I need to keep telling myself that it’s ok to have the fear. And that I don’t have to continue with the treatments if I don’t want to. I think having someone tell me I don’t have to do it helped. Because my first reaction was that I wanted to do the FET! Maybe receiving permission to quit helped me realize that I didn’t want to quit – yet. I wonder how many more times I can do this. At what point will I stop? The hubs would keep going and going if it were up to him. But it’s not – I get to call most of the shots when it comes to treatments, as it’s my body. I definitely would use all the embryos we have frozen, but would I do another fresh cycle? I don’t know. I can’t really think that far.

I have to say, a frozen cycle is much easier than a fresh cycle. I went in on Friday for another check – my lining is over 13 mm! I started on progesterone yesterday – doing the Crinone gel – gross. And I didn’t realize that I will be on estrogen pills and patches as well as the progesterone until approximately 9 weeks. If I get that far… But overall it’s pretty easy to do this frozen cycle. No more appointments until Friday’s transfer. And then three days of bedrest – which I’m definitely looking forward to.

I got mad at my nurse on Friday. As we were finishing up the ultrasound, she mentioned that another patient was there early who is having a frozen transfer the day before me. The other patient brought up that her estimated due date is around 11/11/11. Are you f’ing kidding me? I didn’t need that kind of information! I still haven’t really figured out the real due date, and it’s WAY too early to start thinking like that. I guess the nurse is excited for me, and wants me to be excited too. Seriously, after seeing her since November 2009 (ugh!), you would think she would stop getting excited. I hate being the patient that knows everyone in the RE’s office…

Wow, got a little grumpy there. I’m actually doing just fine - mostly. It just seems very surreal that I’m going to be knocked up again on Friday. Just a few days away!

Fattening Up

Here I am, fattening up. Currently receiving my intralipid infusion at home - supposed to be 7-10 days prior to the transfer, and the transfer is 8 days from today! Holy shit, when did that happen? Kind of snuck up on me! So I'm getting my infusion, wondering how this bag of fatty goodness is supposed to make my body not kill a baby. Seriously, how does this work? They say because I have elevated natural killer cells that intralipids will help and decrease my chance of a miscarriage and increase my chances of implantation. I don't get it, and yet this is what I do. I have the fat dripping into my veins, hoping for some sort of protection.

I went into the doc on Tuesday for ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good. My lining is thick - over 8 mm. I go back in tomorrow for another check, I'll likely start the progesterone on Sunday, and then transfer on Friday.

I can't believe I'm here again. I'm starting to slow down a little at work, and that allows me time to think - not always a good thing. I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this? Oh well, guess I threw rational out the window a very long time ago. C'mon, what kind of rational woman puts oil and other fats in their body via an IV???

Just Not Feeling It

I feel like I haven’t been here in ages, but I’ve been so out of it lately… It’s Saturday evening, I’ve been at work since 8am (Ugh!), will probably be back tomorrow, and I’ve been working like crazy all week – even had a couple 1 am nights… I haven’t worked like this in forever – feel like I’m in public accounting again! I thought I was supposed to be a recovered workaholic! The good news is I still have a job and I didn’t lose anyone that reports to me in my department. The bad news is we have some crazy things accounting-wise going on and it’s yearend… Plus some additional projects – you know, like projecting the savings from the layoffs... And we’re closing down the accounting department at a major subsidiary and me and my group get to take on additional work – fabulous. So needless to say, I’ve been crazy busy, and I’m not sure if it’s going to get better, at least for the next week or so…

But that’s my job life, and what you really want to know about is my TTC life, right? I know, it’s the only thing worth discussing… :) The FET is officially on. I went in on Tuesday to the doc, and the cyst or big follicle or whatever it was is now gone, my levels are suppressed from the BCP, and I’m cleared to start estrogen pills and patches. I go back in on Tuesday to see what’s going on with my lining, and we’re scheduled for a transfer on February 25. Wow – less than two weeks, it doesn’t seem real that we’re going to do this again. I have to say, the break has been good.

My last post was pretty depressing, and I have to thank all of you for your lovely comments. You truly are such wonderful support to me. You understand me in a way that nobody else can, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better. Just so freaking tired. Frankly, all this work stuff is so distracting that I don’t even have time to feel depressed! Just kidding, I know it doesn’t work that way, but I really am feeling better. Just trying to keep going, one foot at a time.

I’m very sad to report that my best friend’s IVF and subsequent (chemical – although I hate that word) pregnancy is now officially over. Her betas kept rising, but at really pitiful rates and numbers, and so finally a few days ago, they stopped the PIO and she’ll likely miscarry. I’m now hoping that this is over for her quickly, and her levels start decreasing, as I really don’t want her to have to deal with an ectopic. We were talking the other day – how is it that both of us had failed IVF’s? Seriously, how did this happen??? This makes me very angry…

But things are ok – hopefully by next weekend I’ll be over the major hump with work, and things will slow down in time for the FET. I HOPE!!! And I have a little hope for the FET working, but not a ton. I’m just not feeling it this time…

Do You Ever Have Those Days?

Or those weeks? I cannot get happy this week. I don’t know what it is – it’s everything, really. It occurred to me two days ago as I listened to mommies everywhere – it’s never going to happen, I’m not going to be a mother. I’m watching my best friend go through beta after IVF hell. I’ve started to plan my friend’s baby shower for her twins. We’re announcing layoffs today and I’ve been in conversations all week about which of my people we’re letting go. My parents were here last weekend and I’m tired of hearing about how brave I am and it’s ok to give up the fertility fight. I’m just exhausted – everything is too much.

Best Friend: Retrieval was January 13, and her first beta was January 26, so 13 days later. It was 7. Two days later it was 10. Tuesday February 1 it was 26. They’re telling her there’s still a chance, but it’s not looking good. She goes back on Saturday. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, and especially my friend. She’s handling it amazingly well, with a little humor. She’s such an inspiration with her attitude. I try to be positive with her, but in my heart I know these numbers are bad, and there’s very little hope. Breaks my heart – I feel like I’m going through it with her.

Baby Shower: My good friend, the one that I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes after finding out she accidentally got pregnant – again. The one who sits right outside my office, talking about her twin pregnancy constantly, the one who rubs her belly constantly – SHE WILL NOT STOP!!! And also the one who has been there for me every step on this fertility journey. Anyway, as soon as she found out she was having twins, I offered to organize a shower for her. Usually I scoff at showers for second babies, but because it’s twins, and they really don’t have much money, I think she should have a shower. I offered before I did IVF – didn’t even occur to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. She offered to do it at her house as she may or may not be on bed rest, so at least I don’t have to do that. And to give her complete credit, she recently asked very pointedly if I still wanted to do the shower – if it would be too much for me to handle. And I said I wanted to do it. So this is my choice. There really won’t be much for me to do, it will be very simple, but still, I can’t imagine how painful this will be. We were figuring out dates, and she really wanted it March 12. That would be the day after my beta for the FET, assuming the current schedule holds up. I asked her to change it to a week earlier – I can’t imagine finding out I’m not pregnant, and then hosting a baby shower the next day… So it will be during the 2WW. At least that will be easier than right after beta… Stay tuned…

Layoffs today: It’s going to suck – enough said.

Parents: My dad and step-mom were here last weekend, and they were great. They are so supportive and asked about what we are doing in the process. They kept talking about how brave we were, and how happy we seemed, and how everything was wonderful. I just sat there nodding and saying thanks, but in my head I was screaming. How do they not know the pain I’m going through? Why can’t I share it with them? Don’t they know how hard this is? And of course they know – that’s why they were saying what they were saying. It just was a weird experience. All I wanted to do was melt and start crying, and instead I looked happy and went along with the farce. My dad kept talking about how easy the adoption process could be – all you have to do is find someone who wants to give up their baby and just do a private adoption! Yes dad, I’m glad that’s how you remember it, but my mom remembers it being a lot more difficult. And I was 4 years old when I was adopted – perhaps that was easier logistically. But a baby… A little more difficult to find. He kept encouraging me to stop the fertility treatments and simply adopt. If only it was that simple.

And the worst part is this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I don’t know why – I should be starting the FET process next week, assuming the BCP’s have done what they’re supposed to do, and the doc says I have good chances. But I just have this feeling it’s not going to work. I wish I were more positive, and maybe I’ll get better once I get into the process. But I feel very discouraged and overwhelmed, not understanding why we’re even trying. I know we will, and I feel like we have to keep trying because I don’t want to feel any sense of regret for not trying, but for some reason, this week I feel like it’s futile.

I keep trying to pretend to be happy, but I feel this sadness coming over me. I can fake it most of the day but every once in awhile it just overwhelms me, and I have to talk myself out of it. I want to break down, but I can’t. I have to keep going – I have too much to do, and have to get through this layoff announcement, and just keep going. I hope I have some time by myself this weekend, but I fear that the hubs will want to work on the house or something. And all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I know I’ll feel better at some point, and I’ll be back to my positive self soon. But I’ve had depression in the past, and one of the things I’m supposed to do when I’m feeling depressed is acknowledge my feelings. So here I am, acknowledging that today, I feel depressed. Thanks for letting me share.