Monday, February 21, 2011

Coming Up for Air

I feel like I’m coming up for air for the first time in awhile. Things at work are finally slowing down – a bit. I forgot to mention here that we’ve been remodeling at home for the last couple months as well – crazy! But the new carpet is coming today, and that’s the almost final step in the process – all the paint and everything had to be done before the carpet. Plus I’m not allowed to paint anymore after the transfer on Friday…

But things are good. I’m finally trying to think positively about the transfer coming up. It’s weird – I’ve been so incredibly out of it as far as anticipation and excitement for this FET. But it’s coming up faster than I thought – holy crap – it’s almost here. I have so much ambivalence – and fear – about doing this again. I got to the point last week that I really didn’t want to do it. Why can’t we just live without children? I don’t want to go through all the fear and worry of being pregnant. It’s not going to be this magical time that other people get to experience, it’s just not! Why would I want to do this?

I talked for awhile on Friday with my therapist about this. She told me I need to keep telling myself that it’s ok to have the fear. And that I don’t have to continue with the treatments if I don’t want to. I think having someone tell me I don’t have to do it helped. Because my first reaction was that I wanted to do the FET! Maybe receiving permission to quit helped me realize that I didn’t want to quit – yet. I wonder how many more times I can do this. At what point will I stop? The hubs would keep going and going if it were up to him. But it’s not – I get to call most of the shots when it comes to treatments, as it’s my body. I definitely would use all the embryos we have frozen, but would I do another fresh cycle? I don’t know. I can’t really think that far.

I have to say, a frozen cycle is much easier than a fresh cycle. I went in on Friday for another check – my lining is over 13 mm! I started on progesterone yesterday – doing the Crinone gel – gross. And I didn’t realize that I will be on estrogen pills and patches as well as the progesterone until approximately 9 weeks. If I get that far… But overall it’s pretty easy to do this frozen cycle. No more appointments until Friday’s transfer. And then three days of bedrest – which I’m definitely looking forward to.

I got mad at my nurse on Friday. As we were finishing up the ultrasound, she mentioned that another patient was there early who is having a frozen transfer the day before me. The other patient brought up that her estimated due date is around 11/11/11. Are you f’ing kidding me? I didn’t need that kind of information! I still haven’t really figured out the real due date, and it’s WAY too early to start thinking like that. I guess the nurse is excited for me, and wants me to be excited too. Seriously, after seeing her since November 2009 (ugh!), you would think she would stop getting excited. I hate being the patient that knows everyone in the RE’s office…

Wow, got a little grumpy there. I’m actually doing just fine - mostly. It just seems very surreal that I’m going to be knocked up again on Friday. Just a few days away!
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26 comments:

  1. LuluFebruary 21, 2011 at 12:14 PM

    Yay! Can't wait to hear how your transfer goes! : )

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  2. StephanieFebruary 21, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    I'll be thinking of you! I hope everything goes smoothly!

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  3. AnonymousFebruary 21, 2011 at 12:56 PM

    I hope the transfer goes well and I will have my fingers crossed for you!!! What excitement!

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  4. Mel.February 21, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    Sending tons of good luck your way for the transfer and beyond!

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  5. LesleyFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:41 PM

    I agree, that sucks that she let the due date slip. You don't need that! But your lining sounds fabulous, and I am impressed at how well you are doing, staying balanced and not obsessing too much. If this transfer does work, the really scary part doesn't last that long-- so just keep in mind that the fear will abate after about 10-12 weeks. That's only 6 weeks of crippling fear. You can do it!!! And then you'll be able to put most of this crap behind you (not all the fear,but certainly the terror). Good luck, Alex. I really want this to work!!!

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  6. MeFebruary 21, 2011 at 1:59 PM

    Yay - it's good to hear from you! You've been in my thoughts. Fear is natural - everyone has it. My fingers and toes are crossed for you guys!

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  7. Still A Guest RoomFebruary 21, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    Thinking of you this week.

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  8. Glass Case of EmotionFebruary 21, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    good luck. ugh, I can't think of due dates at this juncture either!

    Here is my new blog address, FYI, in case you are looking for me:
    http://alittleblogaboutthebiginfertility.blogspot.com/

    jess

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  9. AlisonFebruary 21, 2011 at 4:23 PM

    Good luck!!!

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  10. RebeccaFebruary 21, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    Sending lots of positive thoughts for the transfer!!!

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  11. LauraFebruary 21, 2011 at 5:52 PM

    I'm glad that you are feeling a little better about this transfer and I hope that it goes well for you!

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  12. MarissaFebruary 21, 2011 at 5:54 PM

    My FET is on Wednesday. And yes, I'm doing Crinone too. It's terrible but better than Endometrin!! Good luck!

    (And I think having permission to quit *does* make you stop and examine what you want, instead of feeling like you 'have to keep going'. And then, you examine, and yes, you still want children. (For me, anyway.))

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  13. HopeFebruary 21, 2011 at 5:56 PM

    I'm glad things are calming down and you are getting a chance to come up for air before your transfer. Fear really sucks, but you'll get through it. It sounds like you have a really good therapist to help you along the way. I really hope this FET works for you!

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  14. ALFebruary 21, 2011 at 6:54 PM

    Yay for transfer on Friday! Best of luck.

    The pregnancy fear I can definitely relate to, but one step at a time! You know you want to move forward with this FET and that's all that matters. Hopeful for u!

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  15. AnonymousFebruary 21, 2011 at 7:26 PM

    sending good thoughts your way :)

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  16. AnxiousMummyto3February 21, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    It's so great that you're feeling more positive, and your therapist sounds so on the mark. It is Ok to have fear. The fact that you want to do the FET is a good thing! Ugh, how frustrating about the nurse. You're right, as if you'd want to know what. Put it out of your mind now-only good thoughts allowed!

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  17. AnxiousMummyto3February 21, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    That was supposed to say 'want to know that' multitasking LOL

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  18. AnonymousFebruary 22, 2011 at 3:18 AM

    Fingers crossed!

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  19. Nick and KristiFebruary 22, 2011 at 5:21 AM

    Alex so happy things for this cycle seem right on track...It is hard living in fear and the unknown but I will 100% say it is so worth it in the end..All the pain and suffering I would do it again x10 to be at the place I am at right now....This will pay off for you and someday you will have a baby to call your own...I promise I will be back soon but know Im always thinking of ya

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  20. GurleeFebruary 22, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    Sending you good thoughts! Best on the transfer!! And don't worry about having to do another fresh cycle, you have lots of embies waiting to become your babes!

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  21. FranFebruary 22, 2011 at 11:57 AM

    My friend, feeling that the pregnancy will bring you more fears than "magic moments" is normal. It may not happen (but it definitely was the case for me). When you will have your baby, fears will still be there, just different. I think I need therapy myself actually.
    Your lining is stellar, frozen transfer do work and I'll be here to cheer you up in the 2ww!

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  22. My VegasFebruary 22, 2011 at 2:56 PM

    I am excited for your upcoming transfer. How many are you putting in? You'll have to give me the lowdown on the whole transfer protocol.

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  23. ChelleFebruary 22, 2011 at 9:38 PM

    I've been losing track of time lately too. Maybe it is because spring is just around the corner and we're looking forward to not being cooped up with nothing to think about but treatments. I actually had to mark what cycle day I am on on my calendar because I have pushed it so much to the back of my mind I keep forgetting.

    I am really excited for you for Friday. I will be hopeful for you (or with you, whichever you need). I'll keep my fingers crossed. Sending you lots of good vibes and prayers.

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  24. AnonymousFebruary 23, 2011 at 4:20 AM

    Good luck for your FET, Alex! This really did come up faster than I thought...

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  25. Frozen Egg Bank MomFebruary 23, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    YAY! We'll all be keeping our fingers crossed that everything goes well. Keep those spirits up and everything will work out great :) Thanks for sharing your story it's great to get insight on the process and your perspective.

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  26. CeejayFebruary 23, 2011 at 3:09 PM

    Woohoo, I'm excited for you! And I do believe that infertiles can experience most of the same "magic" of pregnancy, if there is such a thing. We definitely worry more at the beginning, but in reality, lots of women are fearful throughout their pregnancies. So hopefully, by about 20 weeks or so, we're only as fearful as the more fearful fertile pregnant women, if that makes sense. And we still experience the kicking, anticipation, ultrasounds (probably more of these, actually), icky symptoms, and labor & delivery--and beautiful baby at the other end!

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