Thursday, February 17, 2011

Fattening Up

Here I am, fattening up. Currently receiving my intralipid infusion at home - supposed to be 7-10 days prior to the transfer, and the transfer is 8 days from today! Holy shit, when did that happen? Kind of snuck up on me! So I'm getting my infusion, wondering how this bag of fatty goodness is supposed to make my body not kill a baby. Seriously, how does this work? They say because I have elevated natural killer cells that intralipids will help and decrease my chance of a miscarriage and increase my chances of implantation. I don't get it, and yet this is what I do. I have the fat dripping into my veins, hoping for some sort of protection.

I went into the doc on Tuesday for ultrasound and blood work, and everything looks good. My lining is thick - over 8 mm. I go back in tomorrow for another check, I'll likely start the progesterone on Sunday, and then transfer on Friday.

I can't believe I'm here again. I'm starting to slow down a little at work, and that allows me time to think - not always a good thing. I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this? Oh well, guess I threw rational out the window a very long time ago. C'mon, what kind of rational woman puts oil and other fats in their body via an IV???

33 comments:

  1. I have no idea how it works, but I'm crossing my fingers that it does for you!

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  2. OMG, I can totally relate to this statement.... "I'm petrified of getting pregnant. Can't I just have a baby? Why do I have to go through all the pregnancy stuff and all the worry and fear that comes with it? I'd really rather not do it! And instead, I'm doing everything I can do live out my biggest fear- getting pregnant! How rational is this?"
    I could have written that myself!!! Hang in there hun. You are close in my thoughts. Hugs!

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  3. I totally relate to your last statement as well. I'm scared to death of being pregnant, but we all have such a yearning for it, we'll do whatever have to. I think it's because we know the end result is so rewarding. Good luck!!

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  4. I much prefer the girl scout cookie version of intralipid infusion. But I totally relate to sometimes wondering why I want to get pregnant, given how scary the concept can be.

    Best of luck to you!

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  5. I have no idea how it works. Are there side effects? It sounds scary, but I know we all do things we once considered scary to have our babies. I hope this is the answer for you!

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  6. I related, too. Being pregnant after loss is a petrifying prospect. I really liked the idea Bodegabliss suggested that, "I will never know if I can stay pregnant unless I try again." You've been through so much pain and heartache, and yet you are continuing to try. I really admire your courage and strength. I'm wishing you all the best on this cycle! (((Hugs)))

    (Thanks for your support on my last post--it means a lot to me!)

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  7. We frett and worry about being able to get pregnant, so that we can be terrified for another nine months after that... Yeah, rational is long gone!

    Thinking of you

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  8. only a week to go till you are pupo!! my friend I can't wait to celebrate with you

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  9. I am totally with you Alex. I desperately want the thing I think will cause more anxiety than just about anything else in this world. I think we all just need to take things baby steps at a time.
    Good luck with your treatments and this FET!!!!!!!

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  10. I know exactly what you mean. My therapist told me a couple of weeks ago to imagine I found out I was pregnant, and then asked me what I was feeling, that was my answer: petrified!
    I was totally on board with surrogacy, adoption, whatever, but it was just a phase for me. It was an intense one though.

    Honestly, it's been so long since I had my miscarriages that it feels now like they've happened to someone else. I used to think that they had robbed me of a possibility of rejoicing over a BFP, but right now I can totally see myself jumping up in joy. This might change though.
    One thing is for certain, however. Infertility is a mofucking rollercoaster.

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  11. I love how you manage to see the humor-- fattening up, indeed! I don't even know what intralipids are, so... yeah, who knows, and WHATEVER as long as it works!

    I really think this is your cycle!!!! Eek!

    but yeah, the fear is for sure to be dreaded. it sucks! It's a long road, but you're on the road, and moving forwards beautifully. Not sure where the road ends... maybe the fear abates a bit by the time you are attending your child's retirement party. Then again, maybe not!

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  12. So excited for you. I hope this is the FET is it! Fingers crossed!

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  13. It's not rational at all.. it's just what we do I guess, when the longing is bigger than the fear.

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  14. You are a toughie! Whatever it takes, ya know...

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  15. Who puts fat and oil into their veins, you ask? Why, the same chicks who inject oil into their ass or shove it up their *ahem* as a means of carrying that progesterone through cell membranes.

    You know, us. The infertiles.

    Good luck!

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  16. okie, it's a new year and a new cycle. i'm holding my breath that this is *it* for ya babes. just take deep breathes, and i hope time flies by for you. xoxo.

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  17. I'm sure you're very scared but I think things are going to work out for the best! I'm pulling for you over here and sending lots of love.

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  18. I am not sure if I knew you had a consult with Dr. Sher!! That is where we will be doing our next fresh IVF cycle (hopefully in March) bc my local RE won't do the intralipid infusion. GOOD LUCK!!

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  19. It is such an odd concept, isn't it? I have no idea why it works, but I hope it does.

    Thinking of you!

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  20. Too many of us on here can relate to your terror over getting pregnant! Yes, being pregnant again after multiple losses is just terror every moment. It's so unfair - we can't get pregnant the fun way AND we can't have any fun once we're finally pregnant!!

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  21. Good luck! I dunno wtf a fat drip is supposed to do to help, but I sure hope it does!

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  22. Yay for some awesome fat!! Can't wait to start reading about your worry-free perfect pregnancy :)

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  23. So great the FET is close! I understand you wondering if it will all be worth it. am keeping fingers crossed it is. I know the idea of pregnancy is scary but I know you will be strong enough to face this challenge. Huge (hugs)

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  24. This post made me laugh. When we finally get to the point of transfer this donor cycle, I will be doing intralipids for the first time. I asked my RE how this works and his response was "I'm not exactly sure of the specifics, but the literature shows that it does. That's good enough, right?" And you know what? It is good enough for me. I normally need to know the "why's" of everything, but after the length of this journey, I'm strating to just say "Hell...why not?" As long as it doesn't hurt my chances, what's another 5 cheesburgers in my system? I'm really excited for you. Fingers crossed.

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  25. Wishing you the best of luck this cycle! Thinking of you!

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  26. Yay, you're getting going on a new cycle! who knows how the heck it works, I'm guessing your body is supposed to attack the fat cells ?

    FX for u!

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  27. It does sound pretty insane when you put it that way! But who cares, as long as it works! I think all of us are a bit insane for wanting so desperately to experience a pregnancy, but that doesn't change the fact that we do want it!

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  28. I'm so glad that this FET is imminent. I'm thinking all kinds of wonderful-ness for you. Your lining sounds nice and plump and will grow into a fluffy featherbed.

    It IS a lot to contemplate, to think about. But I'm so very hopeful for you.

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  29. Wow, I have never heard of that before. I seriously hope it helps out, cause that is just weird.

    Good luck girl. I have been thinking about you lately. I hope everything goes well and that you get knocked up this time. I'm praying for you.

    *hugs*

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  30. 2011 has to be YOUR year!! I really hope and pray this works for you!! I have missed you so will need to read up and catch up but for now... Fingers and everything crossed for your FET!!!xxx

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  31. Hey, it's only 200 calories for the infusion. (Yes, I asked. :)

    They figured out Intralipids work to calm immune response when they were feeding patients in burn units. Previously, they had to use IVIG, which is much more expensive, and is blood based, so supply is more of an issue.

    It's worked for me -- Humira + Intralipid = calm immune system.

    Hoping for you!

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  32. omg..I am so not looking to my first experience with IVF in March!!
    I am thinking positive thoughts your way!!

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