Do You Ever Have Those Days?

Or those weeks? I cannot get happy this week. I don’t know what it is – it’s everything, really. It occurred to me two days ago as I listened to mommies everywhere – it’s never going to happen, I’m not going to be a mother. I’m watching my best friend go through beta after IVF hell. I’ve started to plan my friend’s baby shower for her twins. We’re announcing layoffs today and I’ve been in conversations all week about which of my people we’re letting go. My parents were here last weekend and I’m tired of hearing about how brave I am and it’s ok to give up the fertility fight. I’m just exhausted – everything is too much.

Best Friend: Retrieval was January 13, and her first beta was January 26, so 13 days later. It was 7. Two days later it was 10. Tuesday February 1 it was 26. They’re telling her there’s still a chance, but it’s not looking good. She goes back on Saturday. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, and especially my friend. She’s handling it amazingly well, with a little humor. She’s such an inspiration with her attitude. I try to be positive with her, but in my heart I know these numbers are bad, and there’s very little hope. Breaks my heart – I feel like I’m going through it with her.

Baby Shower: My good friend, the one that I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes after finding out she accidentally got pregnant – again. The one who sits right outside my office, talking about her twin pregnancy constantly, the one who rubs her belly constantly – SHE WILL NOT STOP!!! And also the one who has been there for me every step on this fertility journey. Anyway, as soon as she found out she was having twins, I offered to organize a shower for her. Usually I scoff at showers for second babies, but because it’s twins, and they really don’t have much money, I think she should have a shower. I offered before I did IVF – didn’t even occur to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. She offered to do it at her house as she may or may not be on bed rest, so at least I don’t have to do that. And to give her complete credit, she recently asked very pointedly if I still wanted to do the shower – if it would be too much for me to handle. And I said I wanted to do it. So this is my choice. There really won’t be much for me to do, it will be very simple, but still, I can’t imagine how painful this will be. We were figuring out dates, and she really wanted it March 12. That would be the day after my beta for the FET, assuming the current schedule holds up. I asked her to change it to a week earlier – I can’t imagine finding out I’m not pregnant, and then hosting a baby shower the next day… So it will be during the 2WW. At least that will be easier than right after beta… Stay tuned…

Layoffs today: It’s going to suck – enough said.

Parents: My dad and step-mom were here last weekend, and they were great. They are so supportive and asked about what we are doing in the process. They kept talking about how brave we were, and how happy we seemed, and how everything was wonderful. I just sat there nodding and saying thanks, but in my head I was screaming. How do they not know the pain I’m going through? Why can’t I share it with them? Don’t they know how hard this is? And of course they know – that’s why they were saying what they were saying. It just was a weird experience. All I wanted to do was melt and start crying, and instead I looked happy and went along with the farce. My dad kept talking about how easy the adoption process could be – all you have to do is find someone who wants to give up their baby and just do a private adoption! Yes dad, I’m glad that’s how you remember it, but my mom remembers it being a lot more difficult. And I was 4 years old when I was adopted – perhaps that was easier logistically. But a baby… A little more difficult to find. He kept encouraging me to stop the fertility treatments and simply adopt. If only it was that simple.

And the worst part is this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I don’t know why – I should be starting the FET process next week, assuming the BCP’s have done what they’re supposed to do, and the doc says I have good chances. But I just have this feeling it’s not going to work. I wish I were more positive, and maybe I’ll get better once I get into the process. But I feel very discouraged and overwhelmed, not understanding why we’re even trying. I know we will, and I feel like we have to keep trying because I don’t want to feel any sense of regret for not trying, but for some reason, this week I feel like it’s futile.

I keep trying to pretend to be happy, but I feel this sadness coming over me. I can fake it most of the day but every once in awhile it just overwhelms me, and I have to talk myself out of it. I want to break down, but I can’t. I have to keep going – I have too much to do, and have to get through this layoff announcement, and just keep going. I hope I have some time by myself this weekend, but I fear that the hubs will want to work on the house or something. And all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I know I’ll feel better at some point, and I’ll be back to my positive self soon. But I’ve had depression in the past, and one of the things I’m supposed to do when I’m feeling depressed is acknowledge my feelings. So here I am, acknowledging that today, I feel depressed. Thanks for letting me share.