Saturday, February 12, 2011

Just Not Feeling It

I feel like I haven’t been here in ages, but I’ve been so out of it lately… It’s Saturday evening, I’ve been at work since 8am (Ugh!), will probably be back tomorrow, and I’ve been working like crazy all week – even had a couple 1 am nights… I haven’t worked like this in forever – feel like I’m in public accounting again! I thought I was supposed to be a recovered workaholic! The good news is I still have a job and I didn’t lose anyone that reports to me in my department. The bad news is we have some crazy things accounting-wise going on and it’s yearend… Plus some additional projects – you know, like projecting the savings from the layoffs... And we’re closing down the accounting department at a major subsidiary and me and my group get to take on additional work – fabulous. So needless to say, I’ve been crazy busy, and I’m not sure if it’s going to get better, at least for the next week or so…

But that’s my job life, and what you really want to know about is my TTC life, right? I know, it’s the only thing worth discussing… :) The FET is officially on. I went in on Tuesday to the doc, and the cyst or big follicle or whatever it was is now gone, my levels are suppressed from the BCP, and I’m cleared to start estrogen pills and patches. I go back in on Tuesday to see what’s going on with my lining, and we’re scheduled for a transfer on February 25. Wow – less than two weeks, it doesn’t seem real that we’re going to do this again. I have to say, the break has been good.

My last post was pretty depressing, and I have to thank all of you for your lovely comments. You truly are such wonderful support to me. You understand me in a way that nobody else can, and I’m happy to report that I’m feeling better. Just so freaking tired. Frankly, all this work stuff is so distracting that I don’t even have time to feel depressed! Just kidding, I know it doesn’t work that way, but I really am feeling better. Just trying to keep going, one foot at a time.

I’m very sad to report that my best friend’s IVF and subsequent (chemical – although I hate that word) pregnancy is now officially over. Her betas kept rising, but at really pitiful rates and numbers, and so finally a few days ago, they stopped the PIO and she’ll likely miscarry. I’m now hoping that this is over for her quickly, and her levels start decreasing, as I really don’t want her to have to deal with an ectopic. We were talking the other day – how is it that both of us had failed IVF’s? Seriously, how did this happen??? This makes me very angry…

But things are ok – hopefully by next weekend I’ll be over the major hump with work, and things will slow down in time for the FET. I HOPE!!! And I have a little hope for the FET working, but not a ton. I’m just not feeling it this time…
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29 comments:

  1. AmyFebruary 12, 2011 at 8:10 PM

    Wow. that sounds exhausting and stressful. Hopefully it will be a little less chaotic soon.

    and the 25th!! That is not far away at all! I know what you mean when you just don't feel it. We want to have hope but, we've been there before. Why will this time be any different? But then there is that small spark of hope- the what if it does work this time... and that is why we try again.
    Good luck. Hang in there with all that craziness at work.

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  2. kkasunFebruary 12, 2011 at 8:16 PM

    Good luck with the work stuff, I hope it gets better before the FET.
    I can't wait to hear how it goes. I truly hope that this is the sticky embie you have been waiting for, you deserve it!!!

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  3. RebeccaFebruary 12, 2011 at 8:36 PM

    Work sounds so crazy!! I can't believe how much you've been dealing with that. I hope it slows down soon.

    I'm so sorry about your friend's loss.

    Thinking lots of good thoughts for your FET on the 25th! It will be here before you know it!

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  4. NFebruary 12, 2011 at 8:38 PM

    I'm sorry for your friend, that sucks. Good luck to you for the 25th. Less than a couple weeks away.

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  5. HopeFebruary 12, 2011 at 8:44 PM

    Wow, you sound really busy! I hope that things slow down enough for you to take some time off and really give your embies a good start after your FET! I'll be rooting for it to work, even if you're not so hopeful.

    I'm really sorry to hear about you're friend's loss. I prefer the term "very early miscarriage". I hate the other term and try not to use it. It makes it sound like the pregnancy was somehow less real, just because it couldn't be seen on an ultrasound. (sorry for the rant.)

    Sending big (((HUGS))) to both you and your friend, and glad that you are feeling less depressed, even if you're super busy.

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  6. SuzyFebruary 13, 2011 at 12:09 AM

    so sad for your friend. I had the same thing when I lost our first IVF baby last year, I was cycling with two friends. One friend had her 8th failed attempt, and the other conceived after losing her full term baby a few years ago. I miscarried at 7 weeks, and her pregnancy continued...until 11 weeks when she too miscarried. It doesnt seem possible that we would all "fail". You think, IVF is so involved, and so scientific, it should result in a live baby as almost a guarantee.

    I hope Feb 25 is the day for a miracle for you :)

    xxxxxx

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  7. LauraFebruary 13, 2011 at 12:47 AM

    Sorry that everything is so crazy busy right now for you... that can't be fun to relive the crazy working days that you had before, but when it's over it's going to feel great to relax! Send my best to your friend, and I hope that she doesn't have to deal with an ectopic. And how exciting that your IVF is approaching!!

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  8. Nick and KristiFebruary 13, 2011 at 5:12 AM

    This is crazy that you do FET so soon but good:) Glad work has kept your mind off of the Fertility world for a bit and hopefully your busy now and will slow down just in time for your x-fer...Def always have you in my thoughts and will def be ready to support you through this next FET:)

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  9. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2011 at 6:41 AM

    Oh you have been busy. Hope it slows down in time for your FET, fingers crossed for next round.

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  10. HopeBPatientFebruary 13, 2011 at 7:17 AM

    Wow! That's a crazy work schedule, but it sounds like the silver lining is, at least, that it's been chewing up the time until this next FET. I've got all my fingers and toes crossed for this cycle for you!

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  11. Still A Guest RoomFebruary 13, 2011 at 8:35 AM

    I hope your work slows down soon...I used to work in a job like that, and it really takes a toll on you. Good luck as you move forward with the FET!

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  12. A.February 13, 2011 at 8:48 AM

    Work sounds insane. Sending so many good vibes your way for a successful FET!

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  13. AlisonFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:23 AM

    Sometimes work can be a wonderful distraction, but other times it only adds to the stress. I hope that it gets better soon so you can focus on your FET. Positive thoughts my friend!!!

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  14. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2011 at 10:24 AM

    Sometimes those crazy work days, as much as we wish they weren't, are a blessing in disguise :) Im hoping for good things with the upcoming FET!!
    Send your friend well wishes; we were in that boat too...rising betas but not at the proper rate...it was terribly painful :(

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  15. LesleyFebruary 13, 2011 at 11:17 AM

    i read the work part of this post to my husband-- he wants to go into public accounting, but is NOT a workaholic. i told him he better find a small firm with, like, 3 old dudes and their 20 or so accounts... he he.

    I'm really sorry for your friend. she held onto hope through so many bad betas-- it's heartbreaking.

    i'm also glad that you are keeping your mind off of the fet-- which is gonna work!!!

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  16. MeFebruary 13, 2011 at 11:27 AM

    Hey lady - I hope things at work slow down. I know how tough it can be when everything around you seems like it's crazy, including infertility treatments. You have a huge group of cheerleaders here, so lean on us any time. That's what we're here for - we CARE! Take care of yourself. Hugs!

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  17. junebugFebruary 13, 2011 at 6:42 PM

    Ugh - work sounds awful crazy. Those situations suck cause either you lose your job or you gain more work with no more pay.
    Hang in there. I'm so sorry your friend. I'm sure it is a blessing that she can have someone like you in her life who can understand/sympathize. I'm thinking all kinds of crazy good thoughts for this FET.

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  18. cdgFebruary 13, 2011 at 9:29 PM

    holding your hope for this FET. hang in there, we are here to hold your hand along the way....

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  19. ALFebruary 14, 2011 at 9:33 AM

    Ugh, work sounds absolutely horrible.

    I'm so sorry for you're friends loss. I also hate the term chemical pregnancy :-(.

    hopeful for you and this FET! When will it start?

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  20. AdeleFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    Alex, I'm glad you're feeling better. I have big hopes for your FET and I'm so glad that it's a go. (And I hope that the turmoil at work is OVER by the time you do it).

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  21. CeejayFebruary 14, 2011 at 5:44 PM

    The 25th is so soon! I'm so excited for it! Is your friend going to be doing an FET, too? I'm really sorry to hear about her failed pregnancy. I'm glad she has a friend like you who can fully understand what she's going through and be so supportive.

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  22. Project BabyFebruary 14, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    Praying and keeping you in my thoughts.

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  23. Mel.February 14, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    I'm so sorry about your work schedule and especially about your friend!! Sending you tons of good luck for your FET!

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  24. AnnieFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:38 PM

    I REALLY wasn't "feeling it" when I did my last cycle either, but somehow it worked. It could really happen for you this time!

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  25. AnonymousFebruary 15, 2011 at 11:40 AM

    I'm so sorry for your friend, and the stressful work situation. Hoping it gets better, and that the FET will work out!

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  26. LisaBFebruary 15, 2011 at 12:23 PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :-( Hugs to you! I hope things calm down soon - or get chaotic in a good way, like getting pregnant! :-)

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  27. AnxiousMummyto3February 15, 2011 at 5:42 PM

    Hey Alex,
    Thank you firstly for your amazing friendship. You are the best! I am so sorry for your friend's loss. Don't you just feel like saying, "WTF? Why did this happen to both of us?" but I believe she is lucky to have you as a friend and will get through. I'm so excited the FET is still on. It's great you're not going through another entire fresh cycle given all the work stress. Crossing fingers for you. love

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  28. ChelleFebruary 15, 2011 at 9:39 PM

    You really do have a lot going on right now. I hope that once things calm down at work that you plan on doing something special for yourself. A massage or a spa day, or even better, a vacation. It sounds like you are burning the candle from both ends. I hope it all lets up very soon.

    I am praying for you for the FET. I really hope and pray that it works this time, and that in 9 months, you are holding a precious baby in your arms.

    Hang in there sweetie. It has to get better soon.

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  29. marilynFebruary 20, 2011 at 9:47 PM

    I am so sorry about your friend. I am a addicting to working too. I actually like to hear about your life other than ttc.

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