Jealousy

After work yesterday, I went to daycare to pick up Alex.  I signed in, and went to her class.  It has a split door, so I opened the top quietly and looked around the classroom.  I immediately spotted Alex, and waited a bit to see what she was doing prior to going in the class.  She was having a great time.  One of the teachers was playing with her, bouncing Alex up and down on her knee, going up and down, up and down.  And Alex was giggling so loud, over and over.  It made me smile – my little girl was having a great time!  And then it made me sad.  I have never heard Alex laugh like that. 

Alex is a very happy baby, always quick to smile, and rarely ever fussy unless tired or hungry.  But she rarely laughs.  My husband and I can occasionally get her to laugh by giving her raspberries on her belly, but she has never laughed, or even giggled, without being tickled.  We can very easily get her to smile – huge smiles – but she holds her laughter close to her chest.  Apparently not at daycare…

I know I should be happy that she’s happy at daycare.  And I am.  I want her to like her teachers, and I want her teachers to like her.  I feel very comfortable with the ladies that watch her.  I’m just so incredibly jealous.  Most days it feels very manageable.  I drop Alex off at a place that is good, and I go to work that I enjoy.  But yesterday, I received a reminder that I’m missing out on so much.  Then I start counting the hours she’s awake during a week, and thinking about other women spending more time with my daughter than me.  It didn’t help that Alex was particularly fussy and tired last night, and I kept thinking about her laughing with the daycare lady, and crying with me.

I told the hubs about this last night, and he didn’t understand why it bothered me at all.  He just saw it as a good thing – it’s good that she’s happy at daycare.  But he doesn’t understand.  Yesterday he saw Alex for about 2 minutes in the morning as he walked out the door.  He doesn’t get up with her in the morning, feed her or get her ready.  And last night he went to trivia (bar) after work with friends and came home after bedtime.  Even if he comes home after work, he sees her for about 20 minutes each night before bedtime, and he's not involved at all in her care during that time.  He’s perfectly fine with this arrangement – he knows that I’m here to take care of Alex.  Which I love doing!  But when I try to explain why I want to spend more time with Alex he doesn’t understand. 

This is the hardest thing.  I think I could convince my boss to rearrange my job to allow me to work only three days per week.  In fact, he brought it up when I was pregnant, that if I wanted to quit to please talk to him first to see if we can work something out.  But I can’t convince the hubs.  He likes the money I bring home too much.  And he’s even said that he likes sending Alex to daycare “where they know more about childhood development, more than we do.”  I hate that he thinks that the daycare folks are better qualified to raise our daughter than me.  Yes, I’m an accountant by training, but I am figuring stuff out!  I read books, I’m learning about how children learn!  And I’m her mother – doesn’t that count for something?

We’re still talking about moving back to Colorado.  If we do this, I’m going to insist that I don’t work full time.  But I don’t know how the conversation will go.  I don’t know how to convince the hubs that Alex needs more of me.  Especially if she laughs more with other people than me...

Exploring Opportunities

I had a job interview this morning.  For a BIG JOB.  Like the kind of job I had hoped to get at this point in my life.  It was only a screening interview by the recruiter.  But I rocked it – I’d be willing to bet that the recruiter will recommend that the company interview me.  The job is perfect – great money, great company, great management.  But I think I’m going to decline any future interviews.

I’ve always been a career woman, focused on the next step, the promotion, the career path.  I did well in school, went to college and then grad school, focused on getting a good job.  A good career.  And I’ve been successful.  Currently I have a good job on paper.  I make good money, I do interesting stuff, I work with good people.  And yet I’m bored out of my mind.  My job is no longer challenging.  For a couple weeks each quarter, I work the entire day, and even a Saturday occasionally, but the rest of the time, it’s a good day if I work for half the day.  The rest of the time I’m surfing the internet, reading blogs and articles, wasting time.  And yet my boss loves me and continues to give me high ratings.  My employees think I’m busy, super effective and what-not.  It’s all a big ruse.  I’m so comfortable it’s pitiful.  This is embarrassing to me – I don’t tell people this.  My husband doesn’t even know how little I actually do during the day.  I hate that my job is like this.  But I stay because it’s comfortable, and it fits my life.  Yes, I have to be here during the day, but I run out of the building at the end of the day and go get my Alex and love and cuddle on her.  And the little bit of work that I do is interesting and generally challenges my mind, or at least some of it does. 

But today I interviewed for the BIG JOB.  The one that would keep me busy all day long – and beyond.  The one that would take me to the next level in my career.  The one that I figured I would want in my late 30’s.  And the one that I probably could get, if I fought hard in the interview process.

I don’t think I’ll ever be a stay at home mom, I’m just not cut out for it.  In an ideal world, I love the idea of staying home with Alex, but financial considerations notwithstanding, I don’t think I would be very good at it.  I have patience like I never thought possible with little Alex.  But if I were with her 24/7?  I don’t know that I would.  I’m not really sure.  And so much of my identity is my working life – I like being an accountant, and I like going to work.  Ideally I would like to work three days per week.  I’ve talked about this with the hubs, and we may pursue this if we move, which we’re still talking about – someday.  But right now working at my easy job seems to be working well for us.

During the interview today, I got excited.  It’s a challenging job at a company that is going places.  Very exciting times, and management that is passionate and demanding.  I would thrive in this environment, and my days would go by so quickly.  I could rock this job.  And yet…

I don’t think I’m going to pursue it.  The recruiter asked about my willingness to work in an “intense” environment.  And what would I do if someone told me I had to work on a presentation that was due in a couple days with no notice.  It all sounds exciting, and so attractive.  But after I got off the phone, and started thinking about my life, and what is really important now, my career just doesn’t seem that important.  I feel lazy, but I’m happy in my comfortable easy job.  It doesn’t demand too much from me.  I can easily get to daycare – there’s no struggle.  I can come in a little late if she’s being fussy.  I can leave if she’s sick.  I can spend half the day researching the best way to feed her…

I came across this article today, and it spoke to me.  Every working mother, or aspiring working mother, should read it.  I’m struggling with making the choice between my career and motherhood, or at least the motherhood I want to have.  Yes, it’s an old struggle – one that has been done for years and by countless women.  So far I’ve only struggled with how much time to be away from Alex, and whether I should be working.  But to make the choices of the easy job vs. the big job – that’s a different kind of struggle.  I’m glad I read this today.  It gives me permission to take the “easy” path.  I guess I need to come to the realization that I’m a parent now.  My desire for the amazing career may need to stand behind my desire to be a good mother.  Maybe not forever, but for now.  

Trying to be Crafty

I am not creative.  In school, I would write excellent term papers, full of footnotes and research.  But ask me to do creative writing, and I fail miserably.  I’m terrible at decorating – my house is full of beige and brown and empty walls, simply because I don’t know what to do.  I’ve tried to convince the hubs that we need to hire a decorator to come help us with ideas – not to buy stuff – but we’ve never done this.  Therefore, our house is boring.  I’ve always wanted to be more creative, but have never been successful!  What I am good at is following a pattern.  I can cross-stitch like a rockstar.  See this post for my latest creation that is proudly hanging in Alex’s room.  When I was about 10, I got a sewing machine and my mom taught me how to sew using patterns, but I haven’t done this since about 15 years old.  But lately I have this huge drive to CREATE!!!  I don’t know what it is – I don’t really have the time to do this.  Between work, trying to keep up the home, and most importantly spending time with Alex, I really don't have much time for a hobby.  But I want to make things, clothes, crafts, decorations, etc.  So far I haven’t really done much except research online.  And start buying small supplies for future projects.  I ordered some samples of fabrics, and have decided on fabric for pillows for my couch (never made pillows before – I assume they’re simple, but what if I want to put embellishments on it!).  I also ordered some cool fabric for some shirts for myself (I hate shopping for clothes, but I have an idea of shirts that would look good on me, I have hope that I can make these for myself – we’ll see).  And I ordered a book of patterns for really cute kid clothes for Alex.  I don’t know when exactly I will be creating these things, but I’m going to teach myself how to sew again, and CREATE!!!

In the meantime, I wanted Alex to give her father and grandfathers something homemade for Father’s Day.  I remember always making gifts for my parents, and they at least said they loved it!  My mom kept my super ugly, terrible looking clay elephant that I made in elementary school on her desk for years, and I loved seeing it there.  So I scoured the internet, looking for something that my 7 month old could do…  Inspired by this on etsy, I bought some finger paint, painted it on Alex’s feet, pressed card stock to it, and made some TERRIBLE looking hearts.  I’m hoping her grandfathers like abstract art…  I then wrote “Love” on the back of the frames, along with her name and date.  Then put them in little frames.  I figure you can put awful looking stuff in frames, and then it looks good – right?  So here they are – some are better than others.  You can click on the pic and enlarge it – really see the awfulness of them…   I used the four best ones, which were hard to find!  Oh well – I hope that her daddy and grandfathers appreciate something of hers, even if it doesn’t look that great!

7 months!

A bit late, but I can’t believe Alex is already seven months.  It just seems so OLD!!!  She’s doing great, and I have the best time with her.  I wish I could bottle up this time, and keep it forever.  She’s at the perfect age.  Unless she’s sick, she’s just the happiest easy baby.  She sleeps well, she’s super fun to play with, she’s not yet mobile, and there’s no discipline.  Seriously, how could it get better than this???

Here are some stats, just so I can put it in one spot. 

-Schedule: get up at 6-7 am, awake for 2-3 hours, sleep for 2 hours, repeat 2-3 times, bedtime around 8 pm.  Alex gets about 2-3 naps per day, but I think we’re getting rid of the 3^rd nap.  She’s better at this some days than others, but unless she's sick, she sleeps almost every night from 8 pm-6 am, and sometimes 7 am. 

-Eating:  5-6 bottles of formula each day, at 7 ounces each.  Plus about 4-6 ounces of baby food.  Alex is a much better eater of baby food at daycare than at home.  We were able to feed her a few ounces this weekend, but she is not into eating at home.  I think it’s because at school she eats next to other babies, and they do it together.  Who knows, she seems pretty happy, so I’m not worried about it.

-Sizes: mostly 9 month clothes.  At her 6 month appointment, she was 85% on the height growth charts at 27 inches, and 60% in weight (17 pounds).  Size 3 diapers.

-Activity: Lots of sitting, and hanging out on her tummy.  She has been rolling back and forth since about 3 months old, but she doesn’t need to go anywhere.  On her tummy, she’ll do circles – go completely around, but she’s not interested in getting anywhere.  She loves to stand while holding onto hands, and will even do a few steps while holding my hands.  She can hold herself up standing with the coffee table for a few seconds, but she quickly crashes to her butt.  She loves the jumper, and the walker.  Really, she likes just about everything!

-No teeth or hair – these are coming, I can just feel it…  J

Alex is just about the happiest baby I’ve ever seen, and I have such a good time with her.  From the moment when she wakes up and reaches up to turn on her mobile all by herself (how cute is that!) and just talks to it, to when she goes to bed, and literally kicks and gets all excited to see her lovie (little silky blanket), she is happy all day long.  She’s fascinated in everything, and it’s so easy to make her smile.  She reserves her giggles for something really good, like a raspberry on her belly or neck.  But her smile is fabulous, and never far away.  But now it’s hard to see, because she always has her tongue out – I wonder if it will ever get back in her mouth!  

Feeling Crappy

It’s my 37^th birthday, and I’m feeling crappy, and so I feel like whining - sorry in advance.  I’ve spent the entire weekend listening to my husband whine about being sick, and listening to my little Alex whine because she’s sick (I would take baby whining over husband whining any day of the week!), that I feel like it’s my turn to whine a little.  I’m tired of being Miss Positivity, and I just want someone to be nice to me.  Is that so much to ask???

-I’m sick of my baby being sick.  I like the daycare she’s in, but it seems like she’s always sick.  I know that this is very common with daycare babies, but it seems absurd!  She always has a runny nose, coughs occasionally, last week had pink eye, has had multiple rounds of stomach viruses, and rarely goes a week without being sick of some sort.  I spend too much time at doctor’s offices, and urgent care places on the weekend.  None of it has been truly awful, and she is very happy throughout most of the sickness, but I want a healthy baby!  And it pisses me off that most of this is due to being at daycare.

-I’m not feeling the love on my birthday.  My husband forgot this morning and didn’t say anything prior to leaving for work.  He emailed me later, but still.  We agreed to do no gifts this year for each other (his birthday is this Saturday) and instead get the floors tiled.  I know I agreed to this, but I’m not that excited about this.  Floor tiles – how thoughtful.  And he hasn’t even made the arrangements yet so who knows if it will every happen.  I have something small planned for the hubs, but I guarantee he won’t do anything even small.  We have plans to go out to dinner for our birthdays this weekend and get a babysitter, but it’s on his birthday so it will be all about him, I know it.  I know I’m completely whiny about this, but I want some love!

-I twisted my ankle this morning.  I’m wearing these stupid 3 inch heels, and while carrying Alex, I went out to the mailbox (hoping for a birthday card – ridiculous, I know) and I twisted my ankle.  I almost fell but over-recovered since I was holding Alex, and I hurt my ankle.  Stupidly, I didn’t take the blasted heels off today, and my ankle is hurting worse and worse.  I’m afraid I sprained it, and walking around all day on these stupid heels is not helping.

-I’m pretty sure my boss forgot my birthday.  His wife cooks cakes for all of us in our department every year, and a couple weeks ago I put in my order for carrot cake – she makes the best carrot cake.  I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks, and he forgot.  I’m sure he’ll ask her to do it later this week, but I really wanted it today.

-I feel nauseous after my lunch.  I have had some poopy issues all morning, and now I feel nauseous.  So I’m probably getting another stomach virus.  The greatest thing about having a child in daycare is not only does she get sick, but she brings home sickness too!  What a fabulous treat.  Hubs and I have never been so sick ever – just passing around these little illnesses, I’m pretty sure that’s what’s about to happen – lovely.

-Either that or I’m pregnant.  I’m officially 1 week late.  Which has never happened in my life.  BUT I’ve only had one period since being pregnant, so I assume my body is still a bit wonky.  Plus I had egg whites a week later than usual, so I assume I’ll get my period in the next day or so.  Maybe that’s why I’m so grumpy – standard PMS.  But I hate the mindfuck that I put myself through, wondering if I’m pregnant.  Wondering if I could be that urban legend – you know, the girl who’s infertile but magically becomes fertile after pregnancy.  It’s bullshit, really, the fantasies that come back so quickly…  I refuse to POAS, as I don’t want all the hope and then disappointment that comes with it, but the longer I wait to POAS, the longer I can dream…  But part of me wonders if it can be true, in which case I need to take more folic acid and start the Lovenox, and…  STOP!!!  I hate doing this to myself.

I just need to make it through today, and stop the petulant temper tantrum.  It’s just another day, a regular old Monday when I’m tired.  I need to forget all the possibilities, and stop being so sensitive about my birthday.  I need to get back to my normal positivity, and be happy.  Maybe tomorrow…