After work yesterday, I went to daycare to pick up
Alex. I signed in, and went to her class. It has a split door, so
I opened the top quietly and looked around the classroom. I immediately spotted Alex, and waited a bit
to see what she was doing prior to going in the class. She was having a great time. One of the teachers was playing with her,
bouncing Alex up and down on her knee, going up and down, up and down. And Alex was giggling so loud, over and
over. It made me smile – my little girl
was having a great time! And then it
made me sad. I have never heard Alex
laugh like that.
Alex is a very happy baby, always quick to smile, and rarely
ever fussy unless tired or hungry. But
she rarely laughs. My husband and I can
occasionally get her to laugh by giving her raspberries on her belly, but she
has never laughed, or even giggled, without being tickled. We can very easily get her to smile – huge smiles
– but she holds her laughter close to her chest. Apparently not at daycare…
I know I should be happy that she’s happy at daycare. And I am.
I want her to like her teachers, and I want her teachers to like
her. I feel very comfortable with the
ladies that watch her. I’m just so
incredibly jealous. Most days it feels
very manageable. I drop Alex off at a
place that is good, and I go to work that I enjoy. But yesterday, I received a reminder that I’m
missing out on so much. Then I start
counting the hours she’s awake during a week, and thinking about other women
spending more time with my daughter than me.
It didn’t help that Alex was particularly fussy and tired last night,
and I kept thinking about her laughing with the daycare lady, and crying with
me.
I told the hubs about this last night, and he didn’t
understand why it bothered me at all. He
just saw it as a good thing – it’s good that she’s happy at daycare. But he doesn’t understand. Yesterday he saw Alex for about 2 minutes in
the morning as he walked out the door.
He doesn’t get up with her in the morning, feed her or get her
ready. And last night he went to trivia
(bar) after work with friends and came home after bedtime. Even if he comes home after work, he sees her for about 20 minutes each night before bedtime, and he's not involved at all in her care during that time. He’s perfectly fine with this arrangement –
he knows that I’m here to take care of Alex.
Which I love doing! But when I try
to explain why I want to spend more time with Alex he doesn’t understand.
This is the hardest thing.
I think I could convince my boss to rearrange my job to allow me to work
only three days per week. In fact, he
brought it up when I was pregnant, that if I wanted to quit to please talk to
him first to see if we can work something out.
But I can’t convince the hubs. He
likes the money I bring home too much.
And he’s even said that he likes sending Alex to daycare “where they
know more about childhood development, more than we do.” I hate that he thinks that the daycare folks
are better qualified to raise our daughter than me. Yes, I’m an accountant by training, but I am
figuring stuff out! I read books, I’m
learning about how children learn! And I’m
her mother – doesn’t that count for something?
We’re still talking about moving back to Colorado. If we do this, I’m going to insist that I don’t
work full time. But I don’t know how the
conversation will go. I don’t know how
to convince the hubs that Alex needs more of me. Especially if she laughs more with other
people than me...
I'm so sorry dear. I'm sure I'll be singing the same tune in a few short months.
ReplyDeleteThis totally hits home with me today as Mac was screaming all morning for who knows why and was happy as a clam once we got him to daycare.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a hard balance to strike between nurturing your maternal self and your professional self. Listen to your gut and you will do the right thing for both you and for Alex.
I have often felt this way too, especially when Chloe was younger and more fussy in the evenings - the only time I got to spend with her during the week. She smiles big smiles for our sitter when we leave her house and then I get her home and she's serious. But the time will come that she gives you those big belly laughs, and she crawls into your lap when she wants to be comforted more than anyone else and it's then that you have to remember that she knows you are her mom, and no one loves her more than you and her daddy. And ultimately I'm glad that she's easy at the sitter's house and not a witch with her like she's been known to be with me. Would it be possible for you to work 4 10-hour days a week and give you one extra day with her?
ReplyDeleteI totally understand how you are feeling! Grayson's full time nurse started this week, and I am already jealous that someone else is sharing MY time with my baby, even though I desperately need the time off, and are able to go back to work part time. I really think the 3 days/week thing would be great for you and the money thing? well, you would get used to it. I hope your husband can get on board with it.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I feel for you Alex. This is a huge fear of mine and I know how heart-wrenching it must feel. (I feel dramatic writing that!) it seems so difficult to balance work & child rearing. I imagine that you are a great mom and would do a terrific job with her it you worked less. And it doesn't sound like you are proposing not working just cutting back, Alex will still benefit from the daycare providers expertise but also from more time with her mama.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard. Sometimes when Brian doesn't understand why I'm so upset, I think it's because he doesn't know what he's missing. He works a lot of hours, and is not really part of her care at home... And of course you are MORE than capable. I know my opinion doesn't count, lol, but I say you should at least talk it over with your boss and see how different it will be financially. Maybe the change won't be as bad as hubby fears.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, friend.
Oh I'm so sorry! That would be so difficult! I think if you can afford it, part time would be the way to go! You worked Really Hard to get your little Alex!
ReplyDeleteI still have days were I kind of resent the ladies at the daycare where Little Bean goes because we are paying them to do what I want to do.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have noticed is that the feelings of jealousy and aching because I'm missing out on so much ebb as time passes and Little Bean gets bigger. Maybe its because most of the firsts are behind us. Maybe its because I know for a fact the school she is in now (its montessori) is doing far better by her than I could if I were home with her (for so many reasons [structured learning, other kids, etc.]).
Don't feel too bad about the giggling. That girl spends all day with lots of babies, so she has to be creative about how to keep them happy.
I hope you can make it work out so you can work fewer days/hours.
*hugs*
Awww, this IS hard stuff. I'm sorry, Mama. I have to disagree with your hubs, though--Alex day care providers may be awesome and very educated on child development, but they are not an expert on Alex. You are.
ReplyDeleteFollow your instincts, wherever they lead you. Hang in there. X
This would be hard to watch. Daycare is a happy place full of other kids. I am sure that you caught a good moment, but that you'll see that same giggle all for you soon, too. I applaud whatever direction you go for care. Even being home for a year mint make you feel much better and not impact your long term career.
ReplyDelete:-( I'm really sorry, that's hard stuff. You are her only mama, and I agree with Trinity you are the Alex expert. You know her the best, you're her mama. I hope you can find something more part time and that hubby agrees to it.
ReplyDeleteHey girl even though I dont comment or blog as much anymore I still do read. This post really tugs at my heart strings. I cant even imagine how you do but you are awesome. It makes me feel bad that I dread going to work just 2 days a week. Im going to message you about a Company called Vemma that I just got involved with through my husbands Aunt (Ruth Elliott) she is a Royal Ambassador with this company and willing to help anyone get started. This company is about 7yrs old but growing growing and growing with amazing opportunities. It sells a product called Bode for weight loss/muscle gain...Verve which is the only healthy energy drink....Vemma which is a vitamin supplement...and then Next which is a vitamin supplement for little ones 2-12. My hopes is that through helping ourselves/other become healthy that we can earn some extra income for hopes that one day I can fully stay home from our little miracle baby. Since I blabbed so much her email me at kklendworth@yahoo.com if you find this of any interest. God bless Kristi (AKA blog was Miracle in the Making...A great joy is coming
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of mixed emotions on this as well. I went back and forth if I should work part-time or full-time. I like working, so I knew I wanted to be out of the home part of the time. I have to agree with a previous poster, I do think it gets easier as they get older. And while I feel my husband and I are fully capable of teaching our son the things he needs to know, I also know that if I was at home full-time I probably would not foster the learning enivronment like he has at his school now. So while it sucks sometimes, I know he is happy and learning so many things while he is away from us. Hang in there, and I hope you find the balance you need for your faily!
ReplyDeleteWhen my first kid was a baby, I had a few months where I felt as you do. I got over it real quick though. If it helps, it gets much easier as they get older, I found. I honestly can't imagine being home with my kids now.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard that can be! Sometimes when I pick up K at school she doesn't want to go because she's having so much fun with her friends. It hurts my feelings =( As Alex gets older and sleeps a little less you'll have a little more quality (instead of fussy) time in the mornings and evenings. Hang in there mama, you're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteYou're her mama. And that counts for EVERYTHING!!!!! The qualifications/degrees/whatever of the daycare workds got nothin' on the love her mama gives her. Go with your gut, whatever that may be, and you will not be wrong. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh no, counting the hours! I do that! I spend so little time with him while he's awake during the week. Barely and hour in the morning, and maybe 2.5, 3 hrs tops in the evening. And he gets fussy when he's tired, so that last hour isn't always the most pleasant.
ReplyDeleteAnd like your family, my husband spends even less time than that with him druing the week.
It is seriously frustrating. It is very comforting that he loves daycare so much, but it is still frustrating.
We all have to try to find that balance that makes us happy. I wonder if I would be happier with a part time arrangement. My husband doesn't like the idea, but I haven't really laid it out yet ($ saved on daycare vs. $ earned full-time). If I do reach a point where I know my son needs more of me, I will definitely make that change.
You can feel what your duaghter needs in a way her caregivers (and probably even husband) can't. You are the one that will find that balance, and you are the one that will make her life the best it can be!
Ugh! There is no doubt that jealousy is part of being a working mom. I get jealous of Eric's time with her and I sometimes worry that he and Penelope will be closer than I will be with Penelope. But so far Penelope has not turned away from me in the slightest-- she doesn't seem to 'blame' me for being away from her, and she doesn't seem to be emotionally distant from me due to lack of interaction all day (my two biggest fears!). I think it will be the same with Alex-- as a couple of previous commenters have said, it gets easier when they get older and can express their affection more discerningly and convincingly. On the other hand, more time with Alex is always a good thing! As I said before, these decisions are so hard when you're hormonal-- I almost dropped out of science to be a SAHM, and now I'm happily working 10 hour days on my research project. Being a new mom is totally like being a weather vane.... and it's hard to know what way you REALLY want to go. Or what is ultimately best. Well, we all might fuck up big time, but we're doing our best.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Alex. No words of advice to give you. Just the feeling that her outside caregivers will NEVER be able to give her what you give her.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, this is how I feel so often. She doesn't laugh much for us, but she goes crazy with her grandma and our Tues Thurs babysitter.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad. I know I should be happy she loves them and they love her and take care of her and that she enjoys herself, but that doesn't mean I am not at least a little bit jealous.
Thanks for your comments on my blog, I feel like I don't have any followers anymore. I can totally understand how you must feel. Hubby already seems to get more smiles and I get jealous. I guess I just have to remind myself that I am just happy that they are happy babies. Men don't get it, they are far too practical. We are emotional and you want to have a special bond with her that nobody else has. Don't worry there is no way that she shares the same bond as you do with Alex. Remember daycare workers come and go but you are her momma forever.
ReplyDeleteI have not had time to read all the comments (as you time, time is precious around here, ha!) but here's my two cents: really consider the three day a week thing. I work three days per week and leave the house at 6:30 am and get home at 5 pm (hubs gets home at 4:30). So on those days I only see the kiddos for 30 minutes in the morning and about 2 hours at night. But then I'm with them alone two days per week all day and then on the weekend it's all of us. And I feel like it is a perfect arrangement! I actually love our nanny--and it's true, she does know more about child development than me as its what her degree was in and she has years of childcare experience. She has taught them things I would have missed, ha. And I love--and need--my work. So if you can convince the hubs to go along with the plan I'd say give it a whirl. I feel lucky that I have a career that can be parttime without repercussions, it sounds like you do too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
As someone who has worked part time and full time since becoming a mother I think three days a week is just perfect.
ReplyDeleteI don't really like being at home full time so part time working is the ideal situation to give me a break, get me out of the house and get some extra money coming in.
I hope you do manage to convince your husband. But either way don't forget as much as your daughter loves her carers, they are not Mum and they never will compare to Mum.
Shona
I agree with Trinity - YOU are the expert on Alex, not a daycare provider. It's hard when you feel jealous about her time with people other than you (Stella cruises in her walker at daycare apparently - I've never seen it, and that kind of drives me nuts)... but it's okay. My hubby can NOT wrap his mind around the fact that I'm not ready for Stella to go to his parent's house for the night - but I LIKE my time with her. I LIKE putting her to bed and morning snuggles. I'm just not ready to give up that time with her. I think it's just different for fathers, especially in the beginning, b/c they're not used to having so much hands on time with the baby.
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