I'm riding on a train from Basel to Munich, as we make our way to our last stop. This will be our 6th stop, 3 nights in Munich, with the primary goal of Oktoberfest. It's been a wonderful trip, lots of wonderful sights, food and drink. Very glad we did this. But I keep thinking about how this trip should have been different, or perhaps not at all.
I've eaten so much wonderful food, most of which seems is on the forbidden for pregnancy list. And that does not even include the many glasses of wine and beer, including the upcoming Oktoberfest weekend! And I've done a ton of walking, hiking, some of it quite strenuous. Would never have done that if I was 5 months pregnant as planned. But I have had a wonderful time being able to enjoy those things.
The real reason I'm taking some time out of my vacation to write a post, something I swore I wouldn't do, is I want to write about my conversation last night with my friend M. She lives in Basel, and 8 weeks ago she lost her baby when she was 4 1/2 months along. She started leaking amniotic fluid, checked into the hospital for bed rest, was monitored for over a week, hoping the hole in her sac would heal, but watched her fluid levels continue to decrease. Finally she had to make the heart wrenching decision to deliver the baby. I guess she could have continued the pregnancy, but the doctors guaranteed that the baby wouldn't properly develop, that it wouldn't be healthy, and it was likely that M would get an infection that would likely hurt her chances of future pregnancies. And so she chose to induce labor.
I spoke with her via text while she was in the hospital and the day before the delivery, after the decision, but I hadn't really talked to her about it since, at her request. But last night, after dinner, I pulled her aside from our men, and asked if we could talk about it.
She said she's doing fine now. She took a month off of work, and now she's back, and they're trying again for another child. She was showing quite a bit before she lost the baby, and they had done a huge announcement when she was 3 months along, so the worst part was telling everyone. Of course different people responded differently. Some of our mutual friends didn't respond at all-not a note, text, nothing. She was very disappointed in them, and doesn't know what to do about them. I told her about how some people don't know what to say, are very uncomfortable about pregnancy loss, but trying not to give excuses for these friends of ours.
It was a really good conversation, but I couldn't help having negative feelings. She barely asked about me, and I had told her I was pregnant earlier this summer, and I had told her about my miscarriage at 9 weeks. I don't think she views our losses as similar. I know there are different opinions about 1st trimester or 2nd trimester losses, or even 3rd. I know that what she went through, being in the hospital for so long, having 2 1/2 months longer to bond with her baby, and then having to deliver it, this is so much worse than my experience. And it's not a competition of who had the worst loss or something terrible like that, but I really didn't expect to have her gloss over my miscarriage.
She kept repeating that she didn't have a miscarriage, that it was different, that she was tired of having to console other people who were sad about her baby (this is after I teared up while she told her story). I asked her about the sex of the baby, she said she didn't know, she didn't want to know, that the sex or seeing the baby or holding the baby after delivery would make it more real. I don't understand this, as I would give anything to know more about the baby I lost. I keep trying to tell myself that everyone's different, that I need to accept her feelings, not judge them, but I just don't understand.
She seems so strong, so able to just pick herself up and move on. She kept talking about how wonderful her life is, with or without a baby, and she'll be fine without one. They are trying again, and she's very confident it will work. She can be confident - it took her 2 months to get pregnant!!!
Maybe that's the difference between M and me. Infertility has changed me. Yes we both have gone through terrible things, but I have to go back to treatments, and continuing to wonder if it will work. I've been fighting this battle for 1 1/2 years, and I'm exhausted! I can't just pick myself up, I don't feel strong, instead I feel bitter and jealous of my friend who just lost her baby. Which then makes me feel worse.
Thanks for listening to me, as always. Sorry for the super long post, but I had to get it out. I have really missed blogging. It feels better just to have put my thoughts on paper, or rather the Internet...
Will be coming home on Sunday, can't wait to see what all of you have been up to! Talk to you next week!