I’m about to start the 1 week wait, with the first week almost done. Beta is scheduled for a week from tomorrow. And who am I kidding, of course I’m going to test before that. Probably this weekend. For my last pregnancy, I had a positive test on 10 dpiui, and that will be Friday. If I can hold off until Saturday, that would be ideal, but I may start POAS on Friday… I’ve been doing pretty well. Keeping busy, not thinking of everything too much.
One thing that has really helped to calm myself is the Circle+Bloom meditation series. It’s perfect – it has a relaxation section at the beginning, and then you visualize whatever is going on in your body at that moment. I am listening to it every day, at least once, but I really need to listen to it while I’m a little more awake. I usually listen to it when I go to bed, and I’m not awake for the visualization part. I guess the good news is I’m sleeping pretty well, and feel overall pretty relaxed. I’m on the 20 and 21 day session, even though it’s technically CD 22. My IUI was a little late – on day 16, so I’m listening to the sessions a little late. During the 18 and 19 day session, it had a nice exercise during the visualization part. I really should listen to it again as I was a little sleepy, but this is what I remember.
Visualize a chalkboard or a dry erase board. Write down all the feelings and thoughts you have right now about your cycle, look at it, acknowledge them, and then leave the chalkboard up, or erase them all to let them go. I guess I’m making it a bit permanent by sharing on my blog, but I thought I would share - here are my current feelings and emotions:
-Anxiety: Anxious that this cycle won’t work, and anxious that it will work.
-Optimistic: If I had to bet, I would place my bet on the cycle working.
-Negative: If this cycle works, then I have to deal with pregnancy, and all the worry that that will bring.
-Nervous: Only a few more days, or up to a week, and I will know.
-Ambivalent: Sometimes I don’t care if I’m pregnant or not. Life would be easier if I’m not.
-Guilty: For feeling the above.
-Happy: Thinking about the little embryo(s) inside me, starting to nestle in my body over the next couple of days. Thinking about June babies – both me and my hubs are June babies, it would be fun to have another June birthday in the house.
-Angry: At myself for thinking of things like due dates.
-Sad: Speaking of due dates, my first baby’s due date was going to be October 16 – this Saturday. I barely got to know that little one, as it went to the wrong place – my tube.
-Scared: What if it happens again? Ectopic, miscarriage, whatever… So very scary.
I’m all over the place, but I’m doing pretty well. We flew to Maryland this weekend for a wedding, and saw a lot of people that the hubs and I used to work with – it was really fun. I have a friend in town tonight, so we’ll go out for a nice dinner. My hubs has a 2nd interview tomorrow for a job that would be really good for him, and it also would mean that we would stay in Houston instead of moving back to Denver, which is my personal preference, so that’s exciting. And I’m super busy this week at work, so that should help time go faster. Overall things are going pretty well. I just have to make it through this week. I wonder what next week will look like…
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It seems like your feelings are overall good at this point. you are doing all you can do, and it seems like you are in as good a place as you can be with all of this-- your upcoming unfulfilled due date, your anxieties about pregnancy, etc... I get the ambivalence very much. Getting my period was always a relief that at least it was not an ectopic pregnancy. Then when I did get my last bfp, I went straight into 'let's find out if this is ectopic and deal with it if it is' mode. Which was very scary. But probably if it had been ectopic, I would have dealt with it better than the first time, when i had no clue something like that could even happen to me. BUT, it wasn't-- and I have all kinds of faith that yours will not be either. I hope you feeling that this worked is correct.
ReplyDeletei've been hearing great things about the circle+bloom tapes. i'm bummed i didn't know about them before my cycle! i have EVERYTHING crossed for you on this cycle alex! the first week of 2ww is so easy, and then the 2nd week is torture. will be thinking of you and thinking sticky thoughts :o) umm, that just sounded dirty, but *you know* what i mean!!
ReplyDeleteI hate the second week of the 2ww, it totally sucks. I get all cocky in the first week thinking I am totally calm and collected only to lose it by week 2. My fingers and toes are crossed for you!!!! Hoping for good news this weekend.
ReplyDeleteYou have me convinced about the circle and bloom, I have been hearing a lot about it lately in blog land. I think perhaps this is good for me during my commuting time or something. I am going to look into. Thanks for the suggestion and feedback :)
Happy 1WW! I'm going to be buying the Circle + Bloom series. Glad to hear you like it. Good luck this week.
ReplyDeleteWe rarely talk about that ambivalent feeling on infertility blogs, but I definitely felt it a lot while trying to conceive. And then it was usually followed by that guilt. I felt it a little at the very beginning of this pregnancy, but now that I'm settled into it, I think I can say that I'm genuinely always excited about having a baby, though there are certain parts of it that I'm not looking forward to. I think the important thing is to acknowledge the feeling and move forward! And happy 1ww!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to hear that you've found circle + bloom helpful, since you were one of the people who helped me decide to get it. :) Really looking forward to listening to Day 1 tonight. Identifying these many complicated feelings seems like such a good thing. May the next week be as easy as it can be, and the let time you have to wait until you're ready for your next baby. Best of luck to your hubs on his interview!
ReplyDeleteThe Circle + Bloom sounds so interesting! I hope your week goes by fast. The second week always seems to last forever. Sending you positive vibes!
ReplyDeleteI think I am going to have to try circle+bloom. It sounds wonderful. I am glad it's helping you. My fingers are crossed for you!!
ReplyDeleteAs you know the 2nd week of the 2ww is the most difficult, especially as time draws closer to beta time. I am trying so hard NOT to test early this time around - my beta is scheduled for the 21st! Crosssing fingers for both you and me...Let's keep ourselves busy - we can get through it!
ReplyDeleteI just started Circle + Bloom, and I love it so far. It's so calm and relaxing. Fingers crossed for a positive beta at the end of this wait!
ReplyDeleteI need to google this Circle + Bloom thing. Good luck this week!
ReplyDeleteSo happy that you are using the meditation to stay calm and get some good sleep. I hope this week flies by... excited to see how Friday and Saturday go! Fingers crossed and prayers said!
ReplyDeleteI keep saying I am going to buy the Circle+Bloom, hopefully this is the week I follow through.
Hopeful for you, Alex! This last week is the worst, I hope it flies by and gives you great news..
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're enjoying Circle+Bloom, I always said I was going to try it, but never got around to it.
Keeping all fingers and toes crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteI shared all your feelings above. I have no suggestion as to what to do and how to focus on one thing at the time, but I'm feeling positive this time it will go differently. Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI do love C+B. I hope visualizing it helps you clear it.
ReplyDeletethat visualizing sounds wonderful. I just visualize my happy place, but that sounds way more productive! Sending happy, RELAXED thoughts your way during the one week wait!
ReplyDeleteI also find Circle + Bloom relaxing (and frequently fall asleep before it’s done). The suggestions they have are good ones, I think. I’m crossing fingers for your beta. (I’m also a tireless tester).
ReplyDeleteI’ll be thinking of you on Saturday, Alex. Those anniversaries are tough. I’m so sorry.
It's great to hear that you're sleeping well and dealing with your feelings. The Circle+Bloom sounds like it is really helping. I understand all of those that you listed! Hope your EDD is not too painful and that you are able to have some quiet time when it comes.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you :)
xxxxxooooo
I'm rooting for you lovely lady!
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of this series, but I am going to google it when I am caught up on blog reading tonight.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part about this last week is not thinking that anything and everything is a pregnancy symptom. I hate the last week for that reason.
I am totally praying for a BFP for you, followed by a full-term, healthy pregnancy!
What you are feeling is very normal:) I pray to that if you do test this Saturday that you will get a BFP as a sign of moving forward from last time this year....And that a baby will be here come June:)
ReplyDeleteI had never heard of this Cd-series you are talking about...sounds amazing and awesome and very helpful...when we seen the infert counselor with this last IVF she had us do relaxation techniques like that but more to do with imagine being on the beach or woods ect...
How is the hubs doing? Ok I have my fingers and toes crossed for a BFP
First of all, Good Luck!!!
ReplyDeleteSecondly I can relate to your feelings...I am pregnant now, but have been waiting and waiting and waiting six years, and I know what that felt.
I had not heard of the Circle Bloom series...so thanks for talking about it.