Tuesday, January 11, 2011

WTF Appointment

I had my WTF appointment with the RE (WTF – why didn’t I get pregnant?). It went well. I asked the RE about why the IVF didn't work, and he said it's just based on probabilities. He said that with each blastocyst transferred, we have a chance of about 50% that it will implant. So with 2 blasts, we had about a 75% chance. But we just fell on the 25% side. I asked if the Lupron trigger could have decreased the chance of implantation, and he said it could, but with the additional progesterone and estrogen I took, it shouldn't make a difference. I also asked about the chances of a FET compared to a fresh cycle. He said that FET's used to be worse, but now with the super fast freezing method (vitrification) they have success rates similar to fresh. The hubs asked about transferring 3, and the doc wouldn’t object to it, but didn’t think it was necessary – it’s up to us.

So we’re on for a frozen cycle. The plan is to start Lupron Monday – wow, that’s close! And then get a period around the 26th, add estrogen to build my uterine lining, and the transfer around February 11. It’s not a great time to do the transfer at work, but I may not have a job by then anyway (doubt it, but still), and I’ve learned a long time ago not to prioritize my job when it comes to stuff like this…

The hubs is pushing for 3 embryos. I told him I would think about it. I know it would increase our chances, but what if they all take? Sounds super scary – triplets? I know, it’s better than none, but really? I don’t know – must think about it.

I have to tell you guys about the resolution of the fight with the hubs on Friday. I’ve been going to therapy for over a year, and she keeps telling me to stay in my adult when having fights, or in communicating difficult stuff with the hubs. She said I really need to practice this especially before I become a mother. It’s true, this woman at work told me yesterday about the fight she got in with her son and how much she yelled and cussed at him – I definitely don’t want to be that kind of mother!

So after receiving the email, “I think we should wait a year before doing anything else,” I waited. I didn’t respond to him. I posted about it on my blog. And I thought. “What would my therapist say? Stay in my adult. What does this mean???” And so I thought some more. He emailed me later about something else, I responded calmly – no snide comments. And then I went home and coached myself, “Stay in your adult. Remain calm.” And I did. The hubs came home, and I was nice. Not overly nice, but adult, and calm. We got in the car to meet others, and he just kept talking about random stuff. Historically, things like this would blow over. OR I would get angry, and it would escalate into a huge fight. I didn’t want to either one of these – this is not what my therapist has taught me to do! And so at a lull in the conversation, I took a deep breath and very calmly said, “I don’t like the way you handled that email today.” And you know what he said? I was so shocked! He said… “I’m sorry.” No big explanation, no defensive behavior, no blaming me. Just “I’m sorry.” Amazing – he never apologizes! Seriously, never! So I said, “Thank you,” and we moved on our merry way. Everything was fine. And I’m so incredibly proud of myself for handling the hubs little temper tantrum well. This alone is something to be happy about!

Well, that and the fact that we’re starting again with treatments… I hate waiting!

41 comments:

  1. Sounds good about the FET! That's great that the rates are similar to fresh cycles. Yay for Lupron on Monday!

    Also, WAY TO GO on resolving the fight with hubs! That is such great advice from your therapist- stay in your adult. I will have to remember this for future conflict... I tend to get pretty flip and sarcastic with him when he gets on my nerves/hurts my feelings.

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  2. FET is soo sooon! That's awesome. My transfer is approx. 02/03 so we will be very very close!
    So glad the fight was resolved so nicely!

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  3. wishing you so much luck with your FET!!! My RE will only transfer 3 if you first promise that you woudl reduce a pregnancy should all 3 implant. I have tranfered 3 before, but if I am being honest I am really not sure how I feel about reduction.
    Wow on your communication with your husband. If there is one upside to IF it is the fact that you are forced to learn how to communicate better in your relationships. Nice work you two.

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  4. Thanks for sharing your marriage tricks that work! Good luck with your FET - it sounds like great odds : )

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  5. NIce work staying in your Adult (I really like that affirmation!!). Good luck with the FET, so happy the new freezing technique will up your odds!

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  6. That's awesome! That's so great about your non-fight and your conversation with your husband. It really is great advise that I could use myself b/c I sometimes flip out on my hubs and don't act like an "adult" =).

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  7. Progress on all fronts my friend! I love it. Will be following your next cycle!

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  8. FET is so soon - I'm so excited for you!

    So glad that you and your hubs made up so smoothly, I hope this trend continues for you guys :-)

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  9. Sorry that the WTF appointment wasn't more clear for you guys, but I'm glad that you have a FET to look forward to.. I hope that you guys decide a number soon :) About the fight, I'm glad that you took the high road and that he responded to it! YAY for apologies :)

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  10. That's a fantastic way to resolve the fight with the hubs! I'm a firm believer that we can't just let things like that lie without talking about them at all, so it's great you were able to bring it up and receive a simple apology. And I'm impressed that FETs are nearly as good as fresh--I'm excited for it!

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  11. Hooray for your upcoming FET, so soon. Good for you for 'staying in your adult'. I like that and will definitely have to borrow it!

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  12. I am so glad to hear that you were able to resolve the fight with your hubs, sounds like you handled it really well. I don't think I could have done that in the same situation. It must have meant a lot to you the way he simply apologized. :-)

    I'm super excited for your FET so soon. I hope it turns out to be a good one!

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  13. Yay for your FET. Regarding fighting with the hubs, I'm right there with you. We call it going "tit for tat" and I'm the worse at it. I get so mad...sometimes mad enough to tell him I hate him. It's horrible, I know...maybe I need to practice tips your therapist shares! Regarding getting mad at your kids and cussing...that didn't start until my son turned about 10 and started rolling his eyes...haha...it happens. They grow up and get huge attitudes. Blah! Good luck with everything!

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  14. Sending so many good thoughts about the FET!!!

    I'm so impressed with the resolution with your husband. And, "staying in your adult" may have to become my new mantra. What an excellent way to think about it.

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  15. way to go with staying in your adult!
    It seems like we will be implant buddies! Calendars are always subject to change - but I should be transferring on the 11th, too...good luck to both of us!!

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  16. So glad you had a good WTF appointment and very glad that your conversation with your husband worked out so well. It's really hard to 'stay in your adult' as you say. I find myself slipping out of that quite often, but when I have been able to get back there, the conversation almost instantly starts getting better. Proud of you and and rooting you on in both your next cycle and your work to make your relationship with your husband even better!

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  17. What a great plan you have going.
    I can totally see why you would be scared of the three eggs being transferred!
    Congrats on "staying in the adult" . . . it is so hard being the bigger person!!!

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  18. I'm super impressed with your conflict resolution-- I don't think it could have gone any better! You guys seem to have such a strong relationship. It probably also helps to blog about it!

    I am SOOO excited for your FET. I feel really good about it. I feel like it will be great to transfer into an unmedicated ute.

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  19. Yay that the FET is soon, even if there is a little wait involved! Great way to handle the fight with the hubs, you are so mature, you go girl :)

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  20. I'm excited for you about your FET and am so glad that things were resolved with your hubs!

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  21. FET!! Woo-hoo!! Being on the short end of the stats blows!! Three, that would scare me!! If all goes well I might be doing et around the same time. And the adult space, brilliant.

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  22. Sending you luck with the FET!!! We are in the middle of ours right now with a transfer date of 1/20. Also, congrats on how you handled the fight! I don't think I would have lasted alllll day before saying anything!

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  23. It sounds like the appointment went well and that you had a great discussion with RE. Good luck on your next cycle! I like that mantra "stay in the adult"...I probably need to practice that more!

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  24. When I first read that I thought I was missing a word (stay in your adult WHAT?) but now it makes sense. And it sounds like such a good idea - similar to things I've been told by wise folk/therapists/what-have-you. We all have these negative behavior patterns we get into, and when we (and the spouse) accumulate enough to be in a bad general pattern of behavior, it is SO HARD not to just slip into them. I find that it takes heroic effort not to be as nasty as possible when I feel my DH is being nasty. Good for you for handling it well!

    Best of luck on your decision. I've always thought high-order multiples were a fine idea - but then, I've never had any serious possibility of having them :).

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  25. Whew. I'm so happy when arguments end nicely wrapped up like that. Makes me proud of us as a couple. I'm glad he apologized to you.

    Can't wait for your FET! Wishing you tons of luck!

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  26. wow- this MOnday...you are starting the meds? Sounds really overwhelming to choose all three embryos. Oh....you are not alone with the impatience with your husband. Adult voice..yes..i need your therapist!! My husband and I got all mad at each other right before our appointment yesterday. But after the whole bad experience with the intern during the sonogram...he felt bad for me. I guess I can only get away with yelling and acting like an insane person right before a doctor's appointment!! :) after a while though...we really need have patience and love with our partners. this is such a hard situation we are all dealing with. I love it when they say sorry.....fighting really is exhausting!!

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  27. Oh, wow. Starting again so soon. I thought you had to wait a bit. And three embryos! I'm scared of possible two, but at the same time would love to have them. Good luck on your decision.

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  28. Yayy for starting your FET!!! I have seen so many ladies be successful with their FET vs. a fresh cycle. We are transferring 3 embies. We aren't worried about multiples because my doc said there was a low risk of them all sticking. I'm so glad you are using your tools to stay calm and adult-like! Good for you! Yay for DH apologizing! Good things all around!

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  29. Glad you can do the FET so soon:) I would be scared I think x-fering 3...Twins would be great but Triplets puts people into a whole new category there entire pregnancy plus things would be hard after birth...I would say just do two...I mean its not like you have failed multiple cycles or are ancient:) Just my thoughts...You will find the FET so much easier but unfortunately the 2ww isnt any better:(

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  30. So glad you are starting your FET cycle. Deciding how many embryos is tough. Triplets are scary but it also puts you and the babies at more risk. Good for you for how you handled the hubs. You took the high road and it payed off. Must be a good feeling.

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  31. Wow your FET will be here before you know it! Glad you are moving forward. I'm sure you'll both make the right decision on how many to transfer. And so glad to hear your argument was resolved quickly and painlessly.

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  32. Sounds like a very good resolution to the fight - I'm glad.

    And I'm so happy you can jump into your FET. As far as your WTF consult, it's a very difficult thing to fall on the wrong side of the statistics. But the good thing about statistics is that your fortunes can reverse very, very quickly. Crossing fingers for you.

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  33. Transfer on Feb 11 sounds really nice and close. I am pretty sure that the probabilities are on your side this time. I know how it is like gambling. It might help you to meditate before you make the decision about how many embryos to transfer and you might get answer. I am so glad that you are getting help from your therapist. You handled that situation with your hubs so well. That is so cool. There is A lot to learn from this. I am sure that your hubs learned something very powerfully important from that incident. Hooray! Thanks for the kInd comment on my blog. take care!

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  34. I sure am proud of you for keeping yourself in the "adult" mode with your hubs. I am glad that has passed.

    I am so excited to hear about your upcoming FET. Deciding how many to put back is a scary scary decision. I wish you luck. Keep us posted!

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  35. Fighting with your husband in an adult way is awesome. I honestly need to work on that more. I've really been trying now that we have Jayden.

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  36. i agree that you just fell on the bad side of the stats. sucks, but i am SOOOOOO hopeful for you and all those lovely frozen embies!!!! thinking only positive thoughts for you alex :o) xoxo.

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  37. That is so great that you were able to stay in your adult frame of mind and that he apologized! I am sorry you fell on the wrong side of the odds ... it is a frustrating thing to be told because it's not a concrete thing, no explanation, just odds ... but hopefully that means next time you will be lucky! =)

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  38. Wow! Go you with the adult discussions! I need to take a cue...we don't fight often, but I tend to like to get things my way. And I can be difficult to deal with if I don't.

    So excited for your new cycle. I'm kind of with your hubby, but it's your body and it's a huge decision...triplets would be a lot! But fun!!

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  39. Good luck with the frozen cycle! Glad you were able to remain adult about the fight and it wall worked out!

    Have a good weekend!!

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  40. Yay for staying calm and behaving like an adult, Alex! We have stupid fights, often to do with being stressed (about work, about IF, etc.)... and I sometimes even notice that I'm not behaving like an adult, yet it can be hard to turn this round :o

    Good luck for the FET cycle! I'd be cautious with transferring 3, but I also understand your husband's wish to maximize your chances...

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