Thursday, February 3, 2011

Do You Ever Have Those Days?

Or those weeks? I cannot get happy this week. I don’t know what it is – it’s everything, really. It occurred to me two days ago as I listened to mommies everywhere – it’s never going to happen, I’m not going to be a mother. I’m watching my best friend go through beta after IVF hell. I’ve started to plan my friend’s baby shower for her twins. We’re announcing layoffs today and I’ve been in conversations all week about which of my people we’re letting go. My parents were here last weekend and I’m tired of hearing about how brave I am and it’s ok to give up the fertility fight. I’m just exhausted – everything is too much.

Best Friend: Retrieval was January 13, and her first beta was January 26, so 13 days later. It was 7. Two days later it was 10. Tuesday February 1 it was 26. They’re telling her there’s still a chance, but it’s not looking good. She goes back on Saturday. I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone, and especially my friend. She’s handling it amazingly well, with a little humor. She’s such an inspiration with her attitude. I try to be positive with her, but in my heart I know these numbers are bad, and there’s very little hope. Breaks my heart – I feel like I’m going through it with her.

Baby Shower: My good friend, the one that I cried in the bathroom for 30 minutes after finding out she accidentally got pregnant – again. The one who sits right outside my office, talking about her twin pregnancy constantly, the one who rubs her belly constantly – SHE WILL NOT STOP!!! And also the one who has been there for me every step on this fertility journey. Anyway, as soon as she found out she was having twins, I offered to organize a shower for her. Usually I scoff at showers for second babies, but because it’s twins, and they really don’t have much money, I think she should have a shower. I offered before I did IVF – didn’t even occur to me that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now. She offered to do it at her house as she may or may not be on bed rest, so at least I don’t have to do that. And to give her complete credit, she recently asked very pointedly if I still wanted to do the shower – if it would be too much for me to handle. And I said I wanted to do it. So this is my choice. There really won’t be much for me to do, it will be very simple, but still, I can’t imagine how painful this will be. We were figuring out dates, and she really wanted it March 12. That would be the day after my beta for the FET, assuming the current schedule holds up. I asked her to change it to a week earlier – I can’t imagine finding out I’m not pregnant, and then hosting a baby shower the next day… So it will be during the 2WW. At least that will be easier than right after beta… Stay tuned…

Layoffs today: It’s going to suck – enough said.

Parents: My dad and step-mom were here last weekend, and they were great. They are so supportive and asked about what we are doing in the process. They kept talking about how brave we were, and how happy we seemed, and how everything was wonderful. I just sat there nodding and saying thanks, but in my head I was screaming. How do they not know the pain I’m going through? Why can’t I share it with them? Don’t they know how hard this is? And of course they know – that’s why they were saying what they were saying. It just was a weird experience. All I wanted to do was melt and start crying, and instead I looked happy and went along with the farce. My dad kept talking about how easy the adoption process could be – all you have to do is find someone who wants to give up their baby and just do a private adoption! Yes dad, I’m glad that’s how you remember it, but my mom remembers it being a lot more difficult. And I was 4 years old when I was adopted – perhaps that was easier logistically. But a baby… A little more difficult to find. He kept encouraging me to stop the fertility treatments and simply adopt. If only it was that simple.

And the worst part is this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I don’t know why – I should be starting the FET process next week, assuming the BCP’s have done what they’re supposed to do, and the doc says I have good chances. But I just have this feeling it’s not going to work. I wish I were more positive, and maybe I’ll get better once I get into the process. But I feel very discouraged and overwhelmed, not understanding why we’re even trying. I know we will, and I feel like we have to keep trying because I don’t want to feel any sense of regret for not trying, but for some reason, this week I feel like it’s futile.

I keep trying to pretend to be happy, but I feel this sadness coming over me. I can fake it most of the day but every once in awhile it just overwhelms me, and I have to talk myself out of it. I want to break down, but I can’t. I have to keep going – I have too much to do, and have to get through this layoff announcement, and just keep going. I hope I have some time by myself this weekend, but I fear that the hubs will want to work on the house or something. And all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I know I’ll feel better at some point, and I’ll be back to my positive self soon. But I’ve had depression in the past, and one of the things I’m supposed to do when I’m feeling depressed is acknowledge my feelings. So here I am, acknowledging that today, I feel depressed. Thanks for letting me share.

44 comments:

  1. Oh honey... Sending loving thoughts...

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  2. Sure sounds like you are going through a rough patch. I'm glad you have this place to vent and allow us to support you. Take your time though and process all of your thoughts. Like you said, it will get better. I'll be thinking of you.

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  3. Yes, I've had those days. Maybe after today you can have that cry session. Releasing so much pent up frustration and sadness is so liberating - at least for me. Sending you hugs...

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  4. I am so sorry for this hard time, and I hate that nothing anyone says can make it better. Thinking of you, and your friend who is in beta hell (as that's a terrible place to be).

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  5. Alex, you have been through so much this past year and you've been so brave and optimistic through it all. It's so understandable you're feeling this way at this point - after the failed IVF and canceled FET, those are two major blows after a year of really, really difficult stuff (the miscarriage and the ectopic).

    Have you thought about putting off the FET one more month to get your bearings back before jumping in again and deal with all this other hard stuff you have going on? I don't know that waiting is the right thing to do, sometimes trudging on is better ~ but just want to make sure you're giving yourself options.

    Hope you feel better soon. HUGS.

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  6. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I go through times like that, too. It's really hard when you're expected to be happy, while inside you're heart is breaking. I hope you can make some time to curl up in bed and cry. It sounds like that would really help.

    Also, I've been wanting for a long time to say how much I appreciate that you comment on nearly every post I make. I've noticed that you do it for other's too. You give so much support to your friends, both IRL and on-line. Take some time for yourself, sweetie. You deserve it!

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  7. It's okay to have times like that hun. You've got a lot going on, and you've been through a lot. Let yourself feel free to experience those feelings. It will get better. I'll say a special prayer for you. Hugs.

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  8. I'm so sorry Alex. It is so hard. I'm like you and even when people offer me the chance to open up to them (like your parents), I shut down immediately and just pretend everything is okay. It's such a huge, huge thing that I feel like opening the gates a little bit would lead to an entire monopolization of all conversation, I mean even just the frickin biology lesson people need before they can even understand wtf you're talking about.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. ((hugs))

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  9. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Alex, but it is ok to be sad. Obviously, you know that and I'm so glad you were able to use this post to talk about some of what you're feeling. Your paragraph about the time with your Dad and Step-Mom just hit home: there are so many times when my parents and MIL are being clearly empathetic but I've just kept a smile on my face all the while screaming inside and wanting to say just how much this all hurts. Hang in there. It will happen. One way or the other.

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  10. Oh Alex, I totally get this. I think some days and weeks are just harder and more emotional than others. It sounds like you have a ton going on right now so no wonder you are feeling the effects of all of this.
    I realize it is hard to predict the exact schedule of a FET cycle, but please try to change that shower date if possible. Hosting during either the tww or close to your beta sounds like torture. Since your friend knows your IF journey, I imagine she would be more sensitive about this.
    On hopefulness, I find this is something that comes and goes for me, mostly goes these days. Try to be easy on yourself about this. It is ok and totally normal to not feel so hopeful. You can still get your BFP even without hope.
    thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.
    hang in there....

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  11. Many (((hugs))), Alex. So much going on and I can really understand why the sadness is just kind of hanging out. I really hope things start looking up soon.

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  12. Oh sorry about the sadness it comes and it goes. And you've had some negatives going on lately, so of course it's tough for you to see positives and hopes right now. I am so sorry for your best friend. Beta hell SUCKS. It's just not even cool or fair.

    Definitely make sure that baby shower is after beta, it's just to emotional. I actually did my friend's shower during my 2ww/ near ER, and it wasn't so bad- that tends to be a hopeful point in the cycle, so it was easier to bear.

    It's okay to feel low sometimes, it's part of this ugly process. And you know what? Is in no way correlated to whether the FET will work or not. We'll keep up the positivity even when you can't. I happen to feel good about it! I have seen so much success with frozen lately- like your body is in a more "relaxed" place.

    Please take care of yourself!

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  13. It sounds like you're having a really rough week, HUGS. I think it's normal, we try to be strong and we manage most of the time, all it takes is for something unexpected to hit you and you're down.

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  14. I hope you find yourself on the other side of this blue time soon. Lots of love coming your way!

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  15. Thinking of you, I hope things improve. I can't wait for you to start your FET!

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  16. Side note, the verification word I just had to enter for my comment on your FET was miacle, miracle minus the r . . . . . . let's hope it means good luck?

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  17. Take care of yourself and get some well deserved rest at the weekend if you can. Hugs

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  18. Oh sweets, sounds like an unbelievably tough week! Sending huge hugs your way!!

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  19. ((Hugs)) When it rains it pours, huh? I'm thinking about you and hoping these storms pass quickly.

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  20. sorry your feeling so low. Sometimes it just creeps up on you for no reason. I often feel like I will never have a baby too. Stay strong. x

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  21. I can feel your stress. I've been there myself and totally get how you feel. Days like those were my cave days--where I just stayed in bed and did absolutely nothing. And, you know what? It usually made me feel better. So if that's what you need, you should take some time for yourself.

    And a big fat ARGH to the "just" adopt conversation.

    Hang in there. Things will get better.

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  22. Alex, I really think this FET is going to work. I know it is so hard to continue to have hope, but one day soon you'll find yourself staring at 2 lines, and then you'll get good betas, and then a heartbeat, and then a great 12 and 18 week scan... and it will all change. This WILL happen for you. In the meantime, it's utter hell, I get that totally. Hope is weird-- it's painful to have it, but seems even worse to not have it. I think you are better off having it, if you can muster it, especially as I *know* you'll be pregnant for reals sooner or later.

    Ugh, but those days.....

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  23. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I remember those days where I felt like I couldn't fake it anymore and wanted to just break down. But there was too much other stuff that I had to get done that I pressed forward. So on the outside, people thought everything was okay, but on the inside, my soul was hurting. It's hard to explain to people what it feels like when your soul hurts. It's a different kind of pain.

    You are a good friend to host the babyshower. It won't be easy, but know that your friend is grateful for your thoughtfulness.

    I hope and pray that you will keep finding the strenth to keep marching forward!

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  24. You're such a champ for throwing your friend a baby shower. Really--that's a very selfless and caring thing to do.

    I have definitely been through the throes of depression, and it just plain sucks, no matter how well you know that you'll feel better one day. And often, that becomes very difficult to believe, even though it is true. And that's when you need other people around you who can hope for you--no matter how imperfectly they do it.

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  25. It is so understandable that you are feeling what you are feeling. We all have these days and weeks. You have been through so much, and it totally sucks to be struggling with IF. You are very inspiring even when you are feeling blue. I think It is good that you are letting yourself feel the sadness and acknowledging it. I hope It will soon give into positive feelings and will renew your faith in the process. My real life friends expect me to be happy and optimistic all the time, but I feel that it is stemming from lack of sensitivity and empathy for what it is like to go through IF. Perhaps, we may need to let some people in our lives know that we do not need to sugar coat our experiences of pain. I hope that you feel better soon and regain your trust for the FET.



    hopelessness will help you to heal. I know it is ironic.

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  26. I hate to hear another person having such a tough time. I too am battling with hopelessness and it is sooo hard to shake! I commend you on sticking out and doing the baby shower for your friend; you are a better person than I am! I think moving it into the 2ww would have been my option too...just think the whole time you ARE pregnant and take notes on what you will need when its your shower :)

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  27. oh Alex, I am so sorry that you are having such a rough week. I know that you have a lot weighing on your mind and I wish I could take some of that away from you! I know that it's hard to be positive when things are rough, but I am hoping and praying for great things for you. You deserve them!

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  28. Yes, definitely change that date on that baby shower. I hope your friend realizes just how amazing you are for doing this at all. May your saintly act be rewarded with a well-deserved positive+++ after this FET!

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  29. That's a lot to deal with for sure. I think you are a good friend to be following through with the baby shower. I'm not sure I would be able to do the same. I'm glad that your friend is understanding and agreed to a different date. I also think that having it during the 2ww will be easier because you will be PUPO and (fingers crossed) full of all kinds of hope during that time. Sometimes, for me anyway, disconnecting from fertility treatments can help deal with enormity of them. Maybe having all of these other things going on is a defense mechanism for you? Just a thought. I hope you get to start your FET cycle on time and that you have the best outcome EVER.

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  30. Alex, I'm so sorry. You're dealing with a hell of a lot. I sometimes think that the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to let ourselves have a good cry. And even to throw things, if we are so moved.

    It WILL get better. I know how hopeless things can feel, but you will NOT always be here.

    You won't.

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  31. I'm so sorry for the hard times, Alex. I have those days, too. I think it depends on the cycle, the good/bad news around, and other stuff... and you have a lot on your plate now, in addition to the "usual IF" stuff. I usually manage to hold it together for work, but when we get home it becomes clear quite quickly that I'll melt down sooner or later... but often I feel better afterwards. So I hope that sharing these feelings with us helps you feel better, too.

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  32. It is so difficult and so incredibly overwhelming. I hate when I am in moments like that and people try to provide encouragement about how so-and-so did a cycle recently and it worked. Or how so-and-so did this and got pregnant. Like that is supposed to make me feel better. I know people are trying to be helpful and encouraging, but they don't know how hard it is to be in this emotional space. It sucks even more knowing there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to help ease the pain and hopelessness. It hurts to realize how very alone you are in your grief.

    Yes, you know you will get better. That eventually you will get back on your feet. But right now, it just hurts.

    There are a million things I could say, but right now, I know none of them will take away the pain inside. I will say that I know where you are; I am right here with you. If I could reach out and hug you, I would.

    Sending love.

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  33. You are absolutely allowed to acknowledge that you are depressed. I'm really hoping you got to spend that time in bed. Could you send Dh off to a movie? I like going alone sometimes...
    On your friend, I know what you are thinking. My ectopic betas were 700+. I am still hoping it could work out, but it must be so hard to watch her play this hellish waiting game.
    I hope the shower can be postponed. The 2ww f***s with your head!
    And then layoffs, too? Honey, it is way too much to cope with. I am so sorry you are feeling down but all of this stuff must be so overwhelming. Take some time out if you need and if you can get it. If DH says anything to you about crying/having a pity party, perhaps you could just ask him for some alone time? Then go to a nice cafe or get some retail therapy in. Whatever you do, take care of you. You are such an awesome person and I'm sad you're unhappy.
    Take care-email me if you *ever* need.

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  34. We had the same week then, except that I wanted to quit trying to have a baby. I cried nonstop. I feel for you, and I have no words of encouragement. This is something you have to do yourself. No one can help you but you. You need to find something - some thought or feeling - that will give you back your optimism and strength to go through the difficult terrain that lays ahead.

    With that being said, I also think you need to talk, talk, talk and talk, and very honestly, with people whom you trust. Your friends, family, therapist, whoever. I literally spent the entire week talking - with my parents, with my husband, with my therapist, with my friends, and that has helped me pinpoint the source of my fears and sadness. Once I knew what they were, they were easier to tackle. Mainly, I just resolved not to let these feelings win. Nope. I am not saying this will work for you, I'm just saying that I'm a firm believer in talking things over with whoever is willing to listen.

    Gah. I'm so sorry for this lengthy reply. Hope you don't mind.

    P.S. Not to be imposing or anything, but seriously, you can always email me if you need, about anything. It doesn't matter that we don't really know each other. We're sisters in this struggle.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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  35. New here. I remember how this place feels. You can't afford to hope and you can't afford not to. Which leaves you between that rock and hard place.

    May the coming days, weeks and months bring you closer to your dream, Alex.

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  36. I think its wonderfully healthy to feel ups and downs and acknowledge them both. I hope the sadness goes away soon and that the layoffs are fairly painless.

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  37. Awww girl..it def normal and ok to have down days...honestly if we all didnt I would wonder what is wrong...Sometimes the overload just causes this type of huge weight but if will lift:)

    Im just happy you are sharing you feeling and of course from all your readers responses we are all here for you:) and truly understand how you feel.

    Hang in there girl and I cant wait for you to start your FET it will give you a boost to push forward:)

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  38. thinking of you and hoping this week gets better xoxo

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  39. Yes, yes I do. Not exactly like that one, but I know the world-is-ganging-up-on-you feeling all too well. Prayers for you to survive your upcoming challenges - and for your friend to keep her babies.

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  40. I'm thining of you and really hoping that things start looking up. Life's rollercoater is frustrating...I just want to float through on a raft ina beautiful ocean (with unlimited drinks, of course). But it never seems to go that way.

    Any ways, I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for two awards on my blog - http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com. Your blog is great and you so deserve it. I love following your story.

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  41. I am sorry you have the blues. I get like that too. That is why if I am feeling good I like to spread it all over..but not in an annoying way..at least I try not to. Yeah..normally my husband gets all of it. Lucky him! You are such a good friend for throwing a baby shower..I do not think i would be able to be that graceful.

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  42. oops..forgot to tell you I awarded you on my blog. Check it out when you are feeling better:)

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