Saturday, October 16, 2010

Remembering My First

Today would have been my first baby’s estimated due date. I only had this baby for six days from the time I found out I was pregnant until it was all over when I found out I had to take methotrexate to terminate my pregnancy, but I will always remember this little one. This baby taught me the unbridled joy, the debilitating fear, the wild emotions involved in being a mother.

It was a Wednesday. I had tested negative that morning on a home pregnancy test, the morning of my beta. I didn’t want to go into the clinic for that blood test – didn’t see the point. I held it together until the nurse asked me while she was drawing my blood if I had tested yet, and then I burst into tears. Yes I tested, but I’m not pregnant. That afternoon when I received the call with the results, I was so surprised – I was pregnant. The nurse sounded hesitant – my hcg, estrogen and progesterone levels were low – but all I heard was I was pregnant. She gave me prescriptions for estrogen pills and patches, and told me to increase my progesterone suppositories – I should take 4 per day. I was so naïve, I thought all I would need to do is take a bunch more drugs and everything would be fine. I ran to the store to get my script filled, and as I waited in the aisles for my drugs, I called the hubs. I told him I was pregnant. I was so excited, but as I explained the low levels of hormones, my hubs wouldn’t get too excited – I didn’t understand.

The next day we had a company-wide meeting where our CEO was speaking. I was sitting in front, and I couldn’t leave. I started having bad cramps, and I could feel myself bleeding. I had to sit there until the end of the meeting, in complete fear that I was losing my baby. As soon as I could, I went to the clinic. They did more blood tests, and I went home to stay in bed. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I thought if I stayed on bed rest, maybe it would be ok. The doc called that afternoon, and he said my hcg levels have risen appropriately, and my estrogen and progesterone levels have improved too, although they still weren’t great. I went in on Friday and got more blood tests, and those looked better too. I stopped bleeding. All was well – I was scared, but I thought it would be fine.

I spent all weekend in bed, just thrilled to be pregnant. Finally, I was going to have a baby! Monday morning I went in for more blood tests, and waited for the nurse to call me with good news. Instead she said my levels haven’t increased enough – it was over – the blood work shows the baby is ectopic. I pleaded with her over the phone – is there a chance? She said no. She told me to pick up methotrexate from the pharmacy and come in tomorrow for the shots.

The next day, my hubs and I walked into the clinic, and I started to freak out. Please don’t kill my baby. How do we know? What if the blood tests were wrong? Prove it to me that it’s ectopic – can’t we wait? They gave me an ultrasound, there was nothing in my uterus, and they saw something in one of my tubes – can’t remember which one. They said I shouldn’t wait – I may lose my tube if I wait. And so I agreed. I cried as they gave me the methotrexate shots – I couldn’t believe I was killing my baby.

My husband, my mother, my mother-in-law, everyone said the same thing. Thank goodness they found it early – thank goodness it didn’t hurt me – ectopic pregnancies can hurt you, even kill you! I would just look at them and shake my head, if I didn’t start crying. They didn’t understand. It wasn’t about me, it was about my baby – I thought this was it, I thought that come October, I would have a baby in my arms – finally! I would have given anything for this baby to live – even my life.

Eight months later, I miss that baby. That little one, who I barely knew, taught me so much. Today I remember my little baby who lost its way – nestled down in the wrong place. Although you were lost, little baby, you found your way into my heart right away. I remember you today – and always.

26 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

    fingers and toes and all crossed for a BFP!

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  2. thinking of you and your little bean today. I am so sorry for you that you went through this. I know the heart break of having to end a pregnancy all too well. Sending love to you and your husband today.

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  3. Wow, your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Sending big internet hugs your way!

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  4. You're in my thoughts today. (((HUGS)))

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  5. Thinking of you and your little one.

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  6. I cannot say I share the same feelings about my ectopic pregnancies, but I do remember as if it was yesterday the sound of my shattering heart. Much love my friend, Fran

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  7. Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. It feels so cruel to have only such a brief time with our babies, doesn't it? But still, I don't think we'd trade it away. Holding you in my heart and my thoughts today.

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  8. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story, though. I am relatively new on this TTC journey (about 6 months in), and have yet to even get that BFP. I can't imagine having that sort of joy and then having it snatched away so quickly. You are in my thoughts.

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  9. This was a very touching post. Thanks for sharing such a private and sad moment. I will be thinking of you and hope that you will have a baby in your arms very very soon!

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  10. After my first miscarriage, one of my aunt's told me, now your baby is in heaven praying for you too. I am not a super religious person, but this line has stuck with me and given me a little more peace and hope. May you find the same.

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  11. Remembering this sweet little bundle of joy with you...

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the lack of understanding from all the people you looked to for support. Losing a baby, even after knowing it for only a few days, is so heartbreaking.

    (((hugs)))

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  13. My heart aches for you. I hope and pray that your next baby makes it to the right place and sticks around for the rest of your life.

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  14. Ectopics are just so heartbreaking. I am so sorry you had to go through this, but really hoping this is your magic cycle for a sticky BFP. Love

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  15. This is such a brave and meaningful post, Alex. You honored this pregnancy here, and I honor it too. Thinking of you...

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  16. It's so hard to think back about how much we *didn't* know. And it just sucks to realize *why* we know so much more now. I do hope so much for you that this will be the end for you and you'll get a BFP. Take care.

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  17. I'm so sorry, Alex! I know how hard it is to have the due date come around....

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  18. Thank you for sharing your story, it was very touching. I'll be thinking of you and your little one.

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  19. (((hugs)))

    Thinking of you and your little one today.

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  20. Sending you so much love and hugs, sweetie. What a horrible nightmare. (((hugs)))

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  21. Oh, Alex-- this makes me so sad for s many reasons. Wht you describe is nearly exactly how I experienced my ectopic. Down to the wild hopes at the end, people telling me I was lucky to be alive (ha!), etc. Oh, such a sad and horrible thing... why oh why do we have to endure it??? Thinking of you and your lost little one today. xoxoxo

    -Lesley

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  22. Alex, I'm so sorry. I'm catching up on posts but I wish I could have written this the day you posted it. It's so hard. Months later, and of course it's still so hard. Because you should be in such a different place right now.

    I can't believe they didn't automatically give you an ultrasound. And I'm so sorry you had to sit there listening to your CEO blab on and on. Most of all, I'm just so sorry that you had to go through this horrible loss. Hugs to you.

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  23. Thank you for sharing your story...I am so sorry and wish you the best this week.

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  24. I am sorry for your loss, my hubs and I had an ectopic back in November 2009. It's been a year but it still hurts... I still remember taking those awful shots and sleepness nights wondering "why me". Since then I've lost both my tubes... sending you hugs and lots of baby dust xoxoxoxo

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