First, the most exciting news. Apparently I’m a good responder to meds! I’m so proud – finally my body is doing something right! I went in for monitoring this morning (CD7, have done 4 days of stims), and I have 11 follicles, all around 8-12 mm, and many more below that size. My lining is growing – it’s about 6 mm, so that’s good for this point. And my estradiol is 1,534. The plan is to drop the Menopur to 75 from 150, continue Follistim/Gonal-F of 150, and then add Cetrotide tonight. I’m developing headaches from the meds, which I hate, but other than that, I feel ok. I can definitely feel my ovaries getting bigger – they’re starting to shake when I walk. Wow, I wonder how I’ll feel by this weekend…
In other news, my Thanksgiving went well. We went to Denver, and saw lots of family and friends. My mom and step-dad came over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, which I was nervous about – first time having both families together at the holidays, but it all went well. My mom even got a little tipsy, and it was hilarious - good times! We saw a bunch of friends and family. Few infertile moments:
Our friends just started TTC. We went to Europe with them in September, and she told me all about how she was going to stop the pill as soon as she got back, and then get pregnant. I’m so afraid she’ll be pregnant before me. She told me this weekend that she’s had really wonky cycles since going off the pill – she can’t tell when/if she has ovulated, and she’s been very late both cycles. Is it bad that I was secretly pleased? I hate that this is who infertility has made me. But yesterday the hubs and I were talking about them, and he said how pissed he would be if they got pregnant before we did – love seeing the jealous side of the hubs!
I haven’t been back to see the hubs’ family since June. This is when we told everyone I was pregnant, right before I miscarried. Nobody from the hubs family, except his mother, said anything when I miscarried. That’s fine, maybe people don’t want to say anything from a distance. But I was there this weekend, and his grandmother (who we gave a Great-grandmother frame to – right before we miscarried), and his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend, and his cousin, didn’t say anything at all. They didn’t mention anything, and I dropped a couple things in conversation, “when I was pregnant,” “hopefully if we get pregnant,” that kind of thing. And nothing. They all celebrated with me in June when we told them I was pregnant. And now, they say nothing. I know it makes people uncomfortable, but I was hurt they didn’t say anything.
And to top it all off, my friend who is having twins (accidentally!) found out the sex of her babies. They’re both boys. She came back to work crying after the appointment because she’s so disappointed. She has one girl already, and she really wanted another girl – she didn’t want two boys! I love her, but she’s a fucking bitch!
OK, rant over… I’m still very positive about this cycle, but I’m having a bitter day. Yes, I think I’ll get pregnant – one day – but I hate that I have to go through the rest of this crap…
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
This is Going to Work!
I’ve decided. With the amount of work that has gone into this IVF cycle, and all the things that have had to gone right, and all that did, this IVF cycle is going to work. It just has to! Not because I’m desperate (because let’s face it, I am), but because it has faced so many roadblocks and has involved so many people, and there were so many places where it have been derailed, and it actually is going to happen.
I start stimming tomorrow with 150 Gonal-F or Follistism (half cycle Gonal-F leftovers, the rest Follistim), plus 150 Menopur. I go in on Monday for my first monitoring and the DQ Alpha test. I had my check yesterday, and both my FSH and LH numbers are great – better than ever (is that the BCP?), and no cysts. I get the IV injection on Tuesday with the intralipids – at home. All but one of the 14 prescription meds have been either received or will be received by my dogsitter on Saturday (love her!). The remaining med is the progesterone that I don’t start until later, so I have some time to figure this one out next week. I actually found a pharmacy that has Cetrotide (substitute for Ganirelix, which is not being manufactured, and therefore there’s a shortage of Cetrotide). I had to call every 30 minutes today to this pharmacy - “have you received your shipment yet?” – because they wouldn’t take any orders until they received it, and then it was first come first serve. Unbelievable. I called 4 different places to try to find someone to administer the intralipids at my house, and I finally found someone. The local doc isn’t taking responsibility for the treatment of the NK cells – they are simply ordering the script for the intralipids, it’s shipping to my house, and it’s up to me to find someone to give it to me. And Dr. Sher isn’t taking responsibility for it either as I am getting the IVF done by someone else. Very weird, but I don’t care – I’m getting the appropriate treatment, and that’s all that matters. And there’s a ton of other administrative stuff I’ve had to do to get the insurance to cover all this (thank you, insurance! I’m so incredibly lucky – I wish all the infertiles had this insurance!), and get everything done. I’m using four different pharmacies, one home health care provider, two doctors, many nurses, 14 different meds, and it all will result in one, maybe two, babies…. I know it!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I’m so incredibly thankful of everything I have in my life – my hubs, the pups, my job, my new insurance, our family, our IRL friends, and all of you – I could never have done this without you.
And wish me luck getting through airplane security tonight with a whole bag full of liquid meds and syringes… Yes, I have a note from the doc, but I’m still nervous.
I start stimming tomorrow with 150 Gonal-F or Follistism (half cycle Gonal-F leftovers, the rest Follistim), plus 150 Menopur. I go in on Monday for my first monitoring and the DQ Alpha test. I had my check yesterday, and both my FSH and LH numbers are great – better than ever (is that the BCP?), and no cysts. I get the IV injection on Tuesday with the intralipids – at home. All but one of the 14 prescription meds have been either received or will be received by my dogsitter on Saturday (love her!). The remaining med is the progesterone that I don’t start until later, so I have some time to figure this one out next week. I actually found a pharmacy that has Cetrotide (substitute for Ganirelix, which is not being manufactured, and therefore there’s a shortage of Cetrotide). I had to call every 30 minutes today to this pharmacy - “have you received your shipment yet?” – because they wouldn’t take any orders until they received it, and then it was first come first serve. Unbelievable. I called 4 different places to try to find someone to administer the intralipids at my house, and I finally found someone. The local doc isn’t taking responsibility for the treatment of the NK cells – they are simply ordering the script for the intralipids, it’s shipping to my house, and it’s up to me to find someone to give it to me. And Dr. Sher isn’t taking responsibility for it either as I am getting the IVF done by someone else. Very weird, but I don’t care – I’m getting the appropriate treatment, and that’s all that matters. And there’s a ton of other administrative stuff I’ve had to do to get the insurance to cover all this (thank you, insurance! I’m so incredibly lucky – I wish all the infertiles had this insurance!), and get everything done. I’m using four different pharmacies, one home health care provider, two doctors, many nurses, 14 different meds, and it all will result in one, maybe two, babies…. I know it!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I’m so incredibly thankful of everything I have in my life – my hubs, the pups, my job, my new insurance, our family, our IRL friends, and all of you – I could never have done this without you.
And wish me luck getting through airplane security tonight with a whole bag full of liquid meds and syringes… Yes, I have a note from the doc, but I’m still nervous.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
One Year Ago, and The Little IVF That Could…
One year ago, I met the local doc for the first time. This was my first meeting with an RE. I remember scheduling it for a week or two earlier, and then the receptionist called me to say it would be postponed. Pushing the appointment back made it so we would go through another cycle without treatment, and I burst into tears talking to the receptionist. I remember how impatient I was – how can I go through another cycle? Somehow I thought that walking into that RE’s office would get me pregnant… Oh how much I’ve learned in the last year.
I’d love to talk to that one year ago me. I’d tell her that she has more strength than she knows. I’d tell her that she can persevere. I’d tell her to start her blog sooner. I’d love to tell her that all she’s going to go through is worth it, but I don’t even know that now… Actually even if there’s no baby at the end of this journey, it’s worth it. I’ll always know I’ve done everything I could to have that baby in my dreams. Looking back at my RE journey over the last year, I don’t know that I would have taken different steps. Granted, as I embark on my first IVF (more details below), I wish I would have done this earlier, but that’s not how it works. I had to have the ectopic, and the miscarriage, in order to develop the cajones to request additional testing and take charge of my own treatments, and go talk to another doctor. Now I know about the MTHFR thing, and I know about the NK cell thing, and we can treat these. I had to go through all the heartache to learn and grow, and I’m now finally ready for this IVF step. Part of me is sad, and a little angry, that I stand here, one year later, still without a baby. But I’m stronger, and armed with more knowledge, and I only could have gained this by going through what I have.
Now on to the current update – The Little IVF That Could!
Amazingly, we are on for an IVF cycle – now. I start stimming on Thursday. I didn’t think this would happen – I gave it about a 5% chance! So all the things that I had listed on Sunday as needing to happen before I would do an IVF cycle – they actually happened! I was able to get a phone consult with the local doc yesterday, and he told me that their practice didn’t generally test and treat for NK cells. This is because it hasn’t been recognized the American Fertility Society as a real issue. HOWEVER, he’s willing to take Dr. Sher’s protocols, and implement them. And he has done this before with other docs for other patients. So I gave one of the local nurses the information for Dr. Sher, and she’s supposed to set up a meeting between them. I’m a little nervous about this – I know Dr. Sher doesn’t like the local doc’s IVF protocol, and I hope that doesn’t come between them. I tried to just get the protocol from Sher’s nurse, but he insisted that he speak with my local doc directly. It feels a bit like a pissing contest, but I’m not going to get in the middle of it. Both docs have told me that they are willing to work with the other doc, so I’m going to accept that and assume that happens. Based on my research, I think the intralipid infusion needs to happen by stim day 9, which will be December 3, so we have a little time. And the local doc is ordering the DQ Alpha test as well!
Assuming everything works between the docs, we have the best of both worlds – I’ll be using Dr. Sher’s knowledge in treating the NK cells, and I get to stay home and do the IVF, which will be much less stressful than going to Vegas. Plus we get to do this now – by Christmas, I’ll know if it worked! I can’t believe this is actually going to happen – between the insurance, and only being able to order meds from certain places (required by my insurance), and the NK cell thing, I’ve spent probably 20 hours on the phone over the last two weeks, trying to get this done. And it finally is happening – I can’t believe it. That’s why I’m calling it the Little IVF that Could… Despite all odds against it, this IVF cycle kept chanting, “I think I can, I think I can…” and it’s finally getting to the top of the mountain!
I’d love to talk to that one year ago me. I’d tell her that she has more strength than she knows. I’d tell her that she can persevere. I’d tell her to start her blog sooner. I’d love to tell her that all she’s going to go through is worth it, but I don’t even know that now… Actually even if there’s no baby at the end of this journey, it’s worth it. I’ll always know I’ve done everything I could to have that baby in my dreams. Looking back at my RE journey over the last year, I don’t know that I would have taken different steps. Granted, as I embark on my first IVF (more details below), I wish I would have done this earlier, but that’s not how it works. I had to have the ectopic, and the miscarriage, in order to develop the cajones to request additional testing and take charge of my own treatments, and go talk to another doctor. Now I know about the MTHFR thing, and I know about the NK cell thing, and we can treat these. I had to go through all the heartache to learn and grow, and I’m now finally ready for this IVF step. Part of me is sad, and a little angry, that I stand here, one year later, still without a baby. But I’m stronger, and armed with more knowledge, and I only could have gained this by going through what I have.
Now on to the current update – The Little IVF That Could!
Amazingly, we are on for an IVF cycle – now. I start stimming on Thursday. I didn’t think this would happen – I gave it about a 5% chance! So all the things that I had listed on Sunday as needing to happen before I would do an IVF cycle – they actually happened! I was able to get a phone consult with the local doc yesterday, and he told me that their practice didn’t generally test and treat for NK cells. This is because it hasn’t been recognized the American Fertility Society as a real issue. HOWEVER, he’s willing to take Dr. Sher’s protocols, and implement them. And he has done this before with other docs for other patients. So I gave one of the local nurses the information for Dr. Sher, and she’s supposed to set up a meeting between them. I’m a little nervous about this – I know Dr. Sher doesn’t like the local doc’s IVF protocol, and I hope that doesn’t come between them. I tried to just get the protocol from Sher’s nurse, but he insisted that he speak with my local doc directly. It feels a bit like a pissing contest, but I’m not going to get in the middle of it. Both docs have told me that they are willing to work with the other doc, so I’m going to accept that and assume that happens. Based on my research, I think the intralipid infusion needs to happen by stim day 9, which will be December 3, so we have a little time. And the local doc is ordering the DQ Alpha test as well!
Assuming everything works between the docs, we have the best of both worlds – I’ll be using Dr. Sher’s knowledge in treating the NK cells, and I get to stay home and do the IVF, which will be much less stressful than going to Vegas. Plus we get to do this now – by Christmas, I’ll know if it worked! I can’t believe this is actually going to happen – between the insurance, and only being able to order meds from certain places (required by my insurance), and the NK cell thing, I’ve spent probably 20 hours on the phone over the last two weeks, trying to get this done. And it finally is happening – I can’t believe it. That’s why I’m calling it the Little IVF that Could… Despite all odds against it, this IVF cycle kept chanting, “I think I can, I think I can…” and it’s finally getting to the top of the mountain!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Off the Ledge
Thanks to everyone for their wonderful comments. You have successfully talked me off the ledge. I'm feeling much better today than I did Friday when I first got the news about my activated NK cells. I don't know if you guys have picked up on this yet, but I really hate it when plans change. I am a freak with my calendar. And especially with infertility, I've become so obsessed with knowing when everything is going to happen, and understanding all the steps. Partially because going through all the details and THE PLAN (yes, it always is capitalized in my head) helps me feel more in control of something, even when I am definitely not! And when I receive such huge reminders that there are things out there that can totally derail THE PLAN, or at least push it over to a different track, I don't take this very well.
So the current plan is: call my local doc first thing tomorrow morning. If the following things happen, we will go forward with the current IVF: (a) he can see me tomorrow (he's never been able to see me without about two weeks notice, but I'm not sure how much begging one of the nurses will work), (b) he has treated patients for NK cells with intralipids and steroids before, (c) he is willing to treat me with this treatment etc. as soon as possible, and (d) he orders the DQ alpha test ASAP. If all this can be done - tomorrow - then I think we're willing to try our chances with the DQ alpha thing, as most of the treatments are similar to the NK cell thing, except they continue while pregnancy - I think. I'm not that familiar with this, and I'm having a hard time finding information. Hopefully local doc will know something about this. If he doesn't know much about it, and is not willing to work directly with Sher, and all the above things don't happen - tomorrow - then we'll cancel our IVF that's supposed to happen in a few days... We need to get everything done on Monday, as we need to order all the meds from pharmacies and get them through insurance, and I leave town on Wednesday! I think the chance of us starting IVF this week is about 5%...
I haven't been able to convince the hubs that if all things don't go well with local doc this week, that I want to move on to do the IVF with Sher in Vegas in either January or March, depending on whether I can convince my boss that I can be away for two weeks during a super busy time in January. The hubs keeps saying, "let's talk to local doc first." And so I'm trying to be patient with him, and let him come to those conclusions in his own time... So hard!
Although I'm very upset with the change in timing, I think it's very good that we now know this information about NK cells. I am a firm believer in the immunology aspect of reproductive medicine, and I'm not willing to move forward with IVF without these additional treatments. It's not worth it - both with the money, and the emotions involved in losing a baby vs. waiting to start IVF. Once I started thinking about it like that, I became a lot calmer. And all of you really helped me - so much! It helps to have infertile friends like you, always in my corner. Whether it's virtual hugs, advice or real information, I can definitely count on all of you - thank you!!!
So the current plan is: call my local doc first thing tomorrow morning. If the following things happen, we will go forward with the current IVF: (a) he can see me tomorrow (he's never been able to see me without about two weeks notice, but I'm not sure how much begging one of the nurses will work), (b) he has treated patients for NK cells with intralipids and steroids before, (c) he is willing to treat me with this treatment etc. as soon as possible, and (d) he orders the DQ alpha test ASAP. If all this can be done - tomorrow - then I think we're willing to try our chances with the DQ alpha thing, as most of the treatments are similar to the NK cell thing, except they continue while pregnancy - I think. I'm not that familiar with this, and I'm having a hard time finding information. Hopefully local doc will know something about this. If he doesn't know much about it, and is not willing to work directly with Sher, and all the above things don't happen - tomorrow - then we'll cancel our IVF that's supposed to happen in a few days... We need to get everything done on Monday, as we need to order all the meds from pharmacies and get them through insurance, and I leave town on Wednesday! I think the chance of us starting IVF this week is about 5%...
I haven't been able to convince the hubs that if all things don't go well with local doc this week, that I want to move on to do the IVF with Sher in Vegas in either January or March, depending on whether I can convince my boss that I can be away for two weeks during a super busy time in January. The hubs keeps saying, "let's talk to local doc first." And so I'm trying to be patient with him, and let him come to those conclusions in his own time... So hard!
Although I'm very upset with the change in timing, I think it's very good that we now know this information about NK cells. I am a firm believer in the immunology aspect of reproductive medicine, and I'm not willing to move forward with IVF without these additional treatments. It's not worth it - both with the money, and the emotions involved in losing a baby vs. waiting to start IVF. Once I started thinking about it like that, I became a lot calmer. And all of you really helped me - so much! It helps to have infertile friends like you, always in my corner. Whether it's virtual hugs, advice or real information, I can definitely count on all of you - thank you!!!
Friday, November 19, 2010
"I Don't Think You Have a Good Shot at Having a Baby"
This is what Dr. Sher said - if I don't get intralipid treatment. He went over the results of the NK cell testing. Here are the results, for those of you who know anything about this stuff (believe me, it's gobblygook to me):
Native state: 1:50 8.1% killed; 1:25 4.9% killed; 1:12.5 3.9% killed
IL-2 stim: 1:50 10.3% killed; 1:25 6.8% killed; 1:12.5 6.3% killed
IVIg 12.5: 1:50 9.2% killed; 1:25 4.6% killed; 1:12.5 4.0% killed
IVIg 6.5: 1.50 10.4% killed; 1:25 8.6% killed; 1:12.5 6.4% killed
He said anything over 10% is concerning. If I only had the one (IL-2 stim) over 10%, then it would be ok, but I have two, including the IVIg, over 10%. So what that means is that 90% of the time, I have autoimmune issues, and this would need to be treated with steroids and intralipids. Without this, "I don't think you have a good shot at having a baby." But first we need to get tested for the 10% likely issue - DQ Alpha problem - both the hubs and I need to be tested, and if we have certain genetic similarities, then it's a worse problem, and there's more intralipids, and more steroids. The DQ Alpha problem takes at least 2-3 weeks to get the results.
I explained to Sher our current plans to have IVF, with stimulation starting on Thursday, with a local doc. He didn't like that. He said we could talk to the local doc about this, but "I doubt it if your doctor understands this problem. He can certainly call me, and I can explain it to him, but I doubt he would do that. If you don't get treated for this issue, I don't think it is likely that this IVF will be successful, in that it would result in a baby." I asked if he could order the DQ Alpha test, and he said no, not if I was under the care of another doctor.
I don't know what to do now. I was so ready to do IVF - starting next week! I trust this guy's opinion - he's one of the best in the world, but not everyone gets these tests done before IVF, right? I got off the phone, and now I can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do. I just want to get to the end of the TTC battle - I'm sick of this!
Native state: 1:50 8.1% killed; 1:25 4.9% killed; 1:12.5 3.9% killed
IL-2 stim: 1:50 10.3% killed; 1:25 6.8% killed; 1:12.5 6.3% killed
IVIg 12.5: 1:50 9.2% killed; 1:25 4.6% killed; 1:12.5 4.0% killed
IVIg 6.5: 1.50 10.4% killed; 1:25 8.6% killed; 1:12.5 6.4% killed
He said anything over 10% is concerning. If I only had the one (IL-2 stim) over 10%, then it would be ok, but I have two, including the IVIg, over 10%. So what that means is that 90% of the time, I have autoimmune issues, and this would need to be treated with steroids and intralipids. Without this, "I don't think you have a good shot at having a baby." But first we need to get tested for the 10% likely issue - DQ Alpha problem - both the hubs and I need to be tested, and if we have certain genetic similarities, then it's a worse problem, and there's more intralipids, and more steroids. The DQ Alpha problem takes at least 2-3 weeks to get the results.
I explained to Sher our current plans to have IVF, with stimulation starting on Thursday, with a local doc. He didn't like that. He said we could talk to the local doc about this, but "I doubt it if your doctor understands this problem. He can certainly call me, and I can explain it to him, but I doubt he would do that. If you don't get treated for this issue, I don't think it is likely that this IVF will be successful, in that it would result in a baby." I asked if he could order the DQ Alpha test, and he said no, not if I was under the care of another doctor.
I don't know what to do now. I was so ready to do IVF - starting next week! I trust this guy's opinion - he's one of the best in the world, but not everyone gets these tests done before IVF, right? I got off the phone, and now I can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do. I just want to get to the end of the TTC battle - I'm sick of this!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
It's Still a Go!
To start out, the hysteroscopy went well. They didn’t find anything (yay!) and the worst part was having to go without eating or drinking until the actual procedure, which was about 1:00 pm. Oh, and I’m now classified as a “hard stick” when it comes to IV’s. They kept complaining that I was so dehydrated. Of course – I couldn’t have anything to drink! But we were out of there by about 2:30, and I got to eat then. It’s like super drunk eating – yum, can’t really taste it, not that hungry but I’ll still eat anyway. Went home and slept if off. Got up for about an hour last night, then back to bed, and today I feel like a champ. I’m a little crampy, but not much. And I’m not groggy or anything. I have a little spotting, but it’s not bad either. Thanks to everyone for your well wishes and advice – I really appreciate it!
My MIL has been great. She was so sweet, and helpful. I went to pick her up Monday night (the hubs had to get up early the next morning, so I volunteered to pick her up). She got in the car, and promptly asked me what was going on. She had no idea what I was actually having done, all she knew is her son called her and asked her to come down and help, and she said yes. She was so funny, “so why am I here?” I explained to her everything, and she’s so horrified at all the procedures and medications and everything, but very supportive. Finally she worked up the courage to ask me a question. She was stumbling letting it out, but I finally said, “Let me summarize what I think you are asking. You want to make sure that your son isn’t pressuring me into doing something I don’t want to do. It’s my body, and this involves a lot of procedures, and complicated stuff, and injections, appointments and so on. And you want to make sure that your son isn’t the only one that wants to do this, especially considering that it’s my body that will have to go through all this. And that you know that I’m adopted, so I probably would be fine with an adopted child. But the hubs isn’t, so maybe he wants a biological child more than me. But you want to make sure that I know that you would be happy with any kind of grandchild. Is that it?” And yes, that was it. I explained to her that the hubs and I made this decision together, that I personally have a huge desire for a biological child, or at least I’m not ready to move on until I’ve exhausted all options. She was so happy to hear that I want to do all this. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her as my MIL.
She even wanted to go to my teaching appointment with me. We went to the clinic this morning to learn about all the medications that I will be taking, and how to administer them. She was so overwhelmed and amazed. And then the nurse was explaining the calendar, and I finally asked about leaving town for Thanksgiving. I don’t know why I didn’t ask earlier, but it would have been fine with the IUI’s I’ve done. But it most certainly was not ok with the IVF procedure. The nurse was adamant that I either couldn’t leave town or had to push everything back a week. And so, we’re pushing everything back a week… All that means is I have to start BCP again, take them until Monday, and then next Friday while I’m in Colorado, I’ll start the meds. It’s really fine, doesn’t really delay much. So no big deal – look how good I’m being with changed schedules! This is usually not like me at all.
It’s actually good. We’re still waiting to find out our insurance group and ID numbers – I’m so frustrated that we’re still in this process. The company says we’re insured starting November 8, but they haven’t sent our info to the insurance company yet, so that company can’t recognize us! Hopefully by tomorrow – we’ll see. The other thing is I got my results for the NK cell testing back. Based on my rudimentary knowledge, they look fine. And I even sent them to Kristi, because with all her experience, she has unfortunately gained a lot of knowledge about NK cells. We agreed that they looked kind of fine, but of course Dr. Sher needs to interpret. Well, I just heard from Sher’s nurse that the NK cell results are “abnormal.” I got my consult with him moved up to this Friday, but it will definitely be interesting to see what he says, and what he recommends. And if he recommends any treatment, then I have to get my local doc to agree and prescribe that treatment for me! My understanding is any kind of treatment should be started 2 weeks before transfer, and that is currently scheduled for around December 11. So pushing the start of the IVF helps with that as well.
I’m a little frustrated with all the moving parts, but I’m very happy that my hysteroscopy results were great, and that we’re still moving forward. And I’ll still know by Christmas! On another note – do you think it will be too risky to fly at Christmas? We’re talking a 2 hour flight, just over the weekend. I asked the nurse today, and she said it should be fine. But will I be in that mode where I don’t want to leave my house? Seriously, will I be too nervous to fly? I flew during my last pregnancy, but of course we all know the end result… Oh God – I just looked at the dates. I don’t know why I never made this connection. I flew the weekend before I found out I had no heartbeat. I went to the doc on a Wednesday, saw and heard a super strong heartbeat, for the second week in a row. Then on Thursday, I got on a plane and came back on Sunday. Then on Tuesday, there was no heartbeat. Oh shit. I know it shouldn’t mean anything, or at least I think I know. But now how do I get on a plane knowing this in early pregnancy? Of course, I’m assuming I’ll get pregnant. Oh the rollercoaster and I haven’t even started…
My MIL has been great. She was so sweet, and helpful. I went to pick her up Monday night (the hubs had to get up early the next morning, so I volunteered to pick her up). She got in the car, and promptly asked me what was going on. She had no idea what I was actually having done, all she knew is her son called her and asked her to come down and help, and she said yes. She was so funny, “so why am I here?” I explained to her everything, and she’s so horrified at all the procedures and medications and everything, but very supportive. Finally she worked up the courage to ask me a question. She was stumbling letting it out, but I finally said, “Let me summarize what I think you are asking. You want to make sure that your son isn’t pressuring me into doing something I don’t want to do. It’s my body, and this involves a lot of procedures, and complicated stuff, and injections, appointments and so on. And you want to make sure that your son isn’t the only one that wants to do this, especially considering that it’s my body that will have to go through all this. And that you know that I’m adopted, so I probably would be fine with an adopted child. But the hubs isn’t, so maybe he wants a biological child more than me. But you want to make sure that I know that you would be happy with any kind of grandchild. Is that it?” And yes, that was it. I explained to her that the hubs and I made this decision together, that I personally have a huge desire for a biological child, or at least I’m not ready to move on until I’ve exhausted all options. She was so happy to hear that I want to do all this. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her as my MIL.
She even wanted to go to my teaching appointment with me. We went to the clinic this morning to learn about all the medications that I will be taking, and how to administer them. She was so overwhelmed and amazed. And then the nurse was explaining the calendar, and I finally asked about leaving town for Thanksgiving. I don’t know why I didn’t ask earlier, but it would have been fine with the IUI’s I’ve done. But it most certainly was not ok with the IVF procedure. The nurse was adamant that I either couldn’t leave town or had to push everything back a week. And so, we’re pushing everything back a week… All that means is I have to start BCP again, take them until Monday, and then next Friday while I’m in Colorado, I’ll start the meds. It’s really fine, doesn’t really delay much. So no big deal – look how good I’m being with changed schedules! This is usually not like me at all.
It’s actually good. We’re still waiting to find out our insurance group and ID numbers – I’m so frustrated that we’re still in this process. The company says we’re insured starting November 8, but they haven’t sent our info to the insurance company yet, so that company can’t recognize us! Hopefully by tomorrow – we’ll see. The other thing is I got my results for the NK cell testing back. Based on my rudimentary knowledge, they look fine. And I even sent them to Kristi, because with all her experience, she has unfortunately gained a lot of knowledge about NK cells. We agreed that they looked kind of fine, but of course Dr. Sher needs to interpret. Well, I just heard from Sher’s nurse that the NK cell results are “abnormal.” I got my consult with him moved up to this Friday, but it will definitely be interesting to see what he says, and what he recommends. And if he recommends any treatment, then I have to get my local doc to agree and prescribe that treatment for me! My understanding is any kind of treatment should be started 2 weeks before transfer, and that is currently scheduled for around December 11. So pushing the start of the IVF helps with that as well.
I’m a little frustrated with all the moving parts, but I’m very happy that my hysteroscopy results were great, and that we’re still moving forward. And I’ll still know by Christmas! On another note – do you think it will be too risky to fly at Christmas? We’re talking a 2 hour flight, just over the weekend. I asked the nurse today, and she said it should be fine. But will I be in that mode where I don’t want to leave my house? Seriously, will I be too nervous to fly? I flew during my last pregnancy, but of course we all know the end result… Oh God – I just looked at the dates. I don’t know why I never made this connection. I flew the weekend before I found out I had no heartbeat. I went to the doc on a Wednesday, saw and heard a super strong heartbeat, for the second week in a row. Then on Thursday, I got on a plane and came back on Sunday. Then on Tuesday, there was no heartbeat. Oh shit. I know it shouldn’t mean anything, or at least I think I know. But now how do I get on a plane knowing this in early pregnancy? Of course, I’m assuming I’ll get pregnant. Oh the rollercoaster and I haven’t even started…
Monday, November 15, 2010
Today I Feel…
Scared – tomorrow is my hysteroscopy. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but anesthesia scares me. People keep asking me have I ever had general anesthesia. I answer yes, in June, when I had a D&C, when I lost my baby. (Feel sad about that answer…)
Gratitude – while I was trying to figure out which of my friends would take off work and come pick me up after the hysteroscopy, after I cab myself to it, the hubs called his mother and asked her to fly here from Denver and take me. She immediately said yes, she’ll take a week off from work and fly down here and stay with us until Sunday. She was excited and honored to be asked, and I think she’ll be great with me tomorrow. She will work some remotely, and she wants to do projects around the house – she’ll be working on the yard while we’re at work. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful mother-in-law.
Ashamed – Yesterday I told my mom that my MIL was coming to help with the hysteroscopy, and she said that she would have done it, and she sounded very hurt. I told her that the hubs did it without asking me, which isn’t exactly the truth, and that next time I need something, I’ll call her. I feel horrible about hurting her. And yes, she had said that if I ever need her to come there, that she would do it. But I am so afraid of being disappointed by her. No, she hasn’t disappointed me really in a couple years, but I also haven’t asked her for anything either - intentionally. We’re both trying to work on our relationship, but it’s hard, it’s awkward. I’ve lived in Texas for three years, and she has never been here. I’ve asked her to come, but she always has something to do – she’s always busy. And she doesn’t even work. My MIL, on the other hand, has probably been here about 5-6 times, and she works full-time. But we’ve always felt like one of my MIL’s highest priorities, and I’ve always been aware that I’m pretty far down the list for my mom. Maybe this is changing, she acts like she’s really making an effort, but I’m so afraid to test the waters. All I know is that I truly hurt her when I told her I didn’t ask her for help. And for that, I feel bad. I wouldn’t have told her at all, but she’s going to my MIL’s house for Thanksgiving, and I know that MIL will talk about her trip here. Oh that’s another post – so nervous about combining the families at Thanksgiving!
Excited – I took my last birth control pill today. Tomorrow is the hysteroscopy. I should get AF in the next few days, go in for CD3 bloodwork/ultrasound, and then we start! I found out on Friday that I’m officially covered with the new insurance. I should get my ID numbers today or tomorrow, and then I can have the clinic verify everything, but I don’t expect any problems, as I’ve already had the diagnosis and treatment codes verified that they’ll be covered. The only thing I don’t know about insurance is how much of the drugs are covered, but worst case, if we have to pay for those, it’s still a lot less than a regular IVF cycle OOP. So by the end of this week, or early next, I should be stimming!
Anxious – I have a bunch to do at work (what am I doing writing a blog post???) before I leave today, go to therapy (thank goodness for her!), pick up my MIL at the airport, and take tomorrow off for the hysteroscopy. So I better go, but thanks for listening…
Gratitude – while I was trying to figure out which of my friends would take off work and come pick me up after the hysteroscopy, after I cab myself to it, the hubs called his mother and asked her to fly here from Denver and take me. She immediately said yes, she’ll take a week off from work and fly down here and stay with us until Sunday. She was excited and honored to be asked, and I think she’ll be great with me tomorrow. She will work some remotely, and she wants to do projects around the house – she’ll be working on the yard while we’re at work. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful mother-in-law.
Ashamed – Yesterday I told my mom that my MIL was coming to help with the hysteroscopy, and she said that she would have done it, and she sounded very hurt. I told her that the hubs did it without asking me, which isn’t exactly the truth, and that next time I need something, I’ll call her. I feel horrible about hurting her. And yes, she had said that if I ever need her to come there, that she would do it. But I am so afraid of being disappointed by her. No, she hasn’t disappointed me really in a couple years, but I also haven’t asked her for anything either - intentionally. We’re both trying to work on our relationship, but it’s hard, it’s awkward. I’ve lived in Texas for three years, and she has never been here. I’ve asked her to come, but she always has something to do – she’s always busy. And she doesn’t even work. My MIL, on the other hand, has probably been here about 5-6 times, and she works full-time. But we’ve always felt like one of my MIL’s highest priorities, and I’ve always been aware that I’m pretty far down the list for my mom. Maybe this is changing, she acts like she’s really making an effort, but I’m so afraid to test the waters. All I know is that I truly hurt her when I told her I didn’t ask her for help. And for that, I feel bad. I wouldn’t have told her at all, but she’s going to my MIL’s house for Thanksgiving, and I know that MIL will talk about her trip here. Oh that’s another post – so nervous about combining the families at Thanksgiving!
Excited – I took my last birth control pill today. Tomorrow is the hysteroscopy. I should get AF in the next few days, go in for CD3 bloodwork/ultrasound, and then we start! I found out on Friday that I’m officially covered with the new insurance. I should get my ID numbers today or tomorrow, and then I can have the clinic verify everything, but I don’t expect any problems, as I’ve already had the diagnosis and treatment codes verified that they’ll be covered. The only thing I don’t know about insurance is how much of the drugs are covered, but worst case, if we have to pay for those, it’s still a lot less than a regular IVF cycle OOP. So by the end of this week, or early next, I should be stimming!
Anxious – I have a bunch to do at work (what am I doing writing a blog post???) before I leave today, go to therapy (thank goodness for her!), pick up my MIL at the airport, and take tomorrow off for the hysteroscopy. So I better go, but thanks for listening…
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Hysteroscopy – Scheduled!
Well, the IVF train is finally starting. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for one week from today – November 16. I’m supposed to stop taking BCP the day of the hysteroscopy. And then a few days after that, I should get my period, will go in for CD3 bloodwork/ultrasound, then start stimming! I’ll be stimming before Thanksgiving!!!
Finally, I feel like we’re moving forward. The only thing – and it’s huge – is we haven’t been formally pre-approved by the insurance. I’ve been pre-approved with a “future employee” label, but not with our actual name and member ID – the hubs won’t get that until the next couple of days. So I’m nervous about that, but I think it should be ok.
The hubs started his new job – it’s amazing. Besides the major factor that he’s really excited about the job, and what he’ll be doing, the benefits are incredible. It’s one of those old-school, want to be the best place to work, kind of places. They’ll even pay 6 months of maternity leave!!! Can you believe that crap? Maybe I should go work there… But there are little things too, like if we enroll in their healthy pregnancy program, then they’ll buy us a car seat! So bizarre – I didn’t know there were companies still out there like this. Based on all of this, I feel pretty confident that the insurance thing will work, but I’m still super nervous… We’ll see!
Any advice on the hysteroscopy? They said it will involve general anesthesia, which is always a little scary. And my hubs can’t take the day off to take me – he’s busy that day, and it’s the only time I can do it before Thanksgiving. The place where I’ll have it done is about an hour away, so I think I’ll cab it there and have one of my friends pick me up. Sometimes it really sucks not having family around here… It should be fine, but of course I’m nervous about it. Most of all though, I’m happy to start the process – let’s get this show on the road!
Finally, I feel like we’re moving forward. The only thing – and it’s huge – is we haven’t been formally pre-approved by the insurance. I’ve been pre-approved with a “future employee” label, but not with our actual name and member ID – the hubs won’t get that until the next couple of days. So I’m nervous about that, but I think it should be ok.
The hubs started his new job – it’s amazing. Besides the major factor that he’s really excited about the job, and what he’ll be doing, the benefits are incredible. It’s one of those old-school, want to be the best place to work, kind of places. They’ll even pay 6 months of maternity leave!!! Can you believe that crap? Maybe I should go work there… But there are little things too, like if we enroll in their healthy pregnancy program, then they’ll buy us a car seat! So bizarre – I didn’t know there were companies still out there like this. Based on all of this, I feel pretty confident that the insurance thing will work, but I’m still super nervous… We’ll see!
Any advice on the hysteroscopy? They said it will involve general anesthesia, which is always a little scary. And my hubs can’t take the day off to take me – he’s busy that day, and it’s the only time I can do it before Thanksgiving. The place where I’ll have it done is about an hour away, so I think I’ll cab it there and have one of my friends pick me up. Sometimes it really sucks not having family around here… It should be fine, but of course I’m nervous about it. Most of all though, I’m happy to start the process – let’s get this show on the road!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What a Week!
It’s been one of the most exhausting weeks I’ve had in so long. Work is absolutely insane, and I’ve had something planned almost every evening, so I couldn’t work late. I’m actually at work right now – ugh. But I’m taking a break to let y’all know what’s been going on, and the decisions we’ve made. On top of all the craziness at work/home, I hate being in a place where I’m not sure which direction I’m going, and to have unmade decisions outstanding, so this whole Houston vs. Vegas thing for IVF has been incredibly worrisome and stressful. Thanks to everyone for their comments on this decision – your opinions and experience have really helped!
Everyone kept telling me to go with my gut, so I tried to have some heart to heart conversations with my gut. The problem is my gut is very wishy washy. Honestly, my gut was probably leaning towards Vegas, because I feel so hopeful about Sher and his team. But after spending a bunch of time figuring out the insurance, and thinking about traveling (I’ve done so much lately, all I want to do is be at home!), I was leaning towards Houston. Like I said, very wishy washy. So we made the decision on Wednesday to wait until the NK cells testing came back to decide. We decided that if those came back activated, then we would do IVF in Vegas, and if not, then we would do it in Houston. And I felt comfortable with this. But then on Thursday I talked to the office coordinator in Vegas to ask about postponing my meeting with the nurse that was scheduled for Friday, and we talked about timing. Turns out, that my NK cell results won’t come back until around November 16, and I would need to start taking the Lupron shots around November 12. I can’t wait to get the results to decide. And so I decided. I told the office coordinator to cancel my cycle in Vegas in December – I’ll be doing IVF in Houston. If that doesn’t work, then I’m going to Vegas.
Everything was pointing this direction, both doctors said I should be an easy case (then why the f don’t I have a baby???), I really don’t want to travel, and even if I have activated NK cells, I bet I could get the Houston doc to treat it the same way as Sher would have. The hubs is really happy that I made this decision. And me? I’m not sure. When I first told the lady that I wouldn’t be cycling in December in Vegas, as soon as I got off the phone, I started crying. Oh no – what if I made the wrong decision? I had an appointment with my therapist that night, and she thinks the crying was all the losses coming up – oh no, here we go again. The Houston doc is so familiar – this clinic, and these people, this is where I’ve been pregnant, this is where I’ve lost my babies. Continuing to go back there is hard – I have so many memories of that place, whereas Sher in Vegas only represents hope. No bad memories to associate with him. She has a point, it makes sense. I’m going with that, because I can’t think of the alternative – I can’t keep questioning my decision.
So now I’m working on getting excited about doing IVF in Houston. I honestly think it will be much easier. I think I’ll feel better once we figure out all the insurance stuff – the hubs starts his new job tomorrow. Once I hear from the clinic that the insurance company approved the procedure, and once I figure out a calendar, I think I’ll feel better. So that’s the plan for this week – figure all that out, and map out a plan. That, and get a hysteroscopy – that should be fun!
Everyone kept telling me to go with my gut, so I tried to have some heart to heart conversations with my gut. The problem is my gut is very wishy washy. Honestly, my gut was probably leaning towards Vegas, because I feel so hopeful about Sher and his team. But after spending a bunch of time figuring out the insurance, and thinking about traveling (I’ve done so much lately, all I want to do is be at home!), I was leaning towards Houston. Like I said, very wishy washy. So we made the decision on Wednesday to wait until the NK cells testing came back to decide. We decided that if those came back activated, then we would do IVF in Vegas, and if not, then we would do it in Houston. And I felt comfortable with this. But then on Thursday I talked to the office coordinator in Vegas to ask about postponing my meeting with the nurse that was scheduled for Friday, and we talked about timing. Turns out, that my NK cell results won’t come back until around November 16, and I would need to start taking the Lupron shots around November 12. I can’t wait to get the results to decide. And so I decided. I told the office coordinator to cancel my cycle in Vegas in December – I’ll be doing IVF in Houston. If that doesn’t work, then I’m going to Vegas.
Everything was pointing this direction, both doctors said I should be an easy case (then why the f don’t I have a baby???), I really don’t want to travel, and even if I have activated NK cells, I bet I could get the Houston doc to treat it the same way as Sher would have. The hubs is really happy that I made this decision. And me? I’m not sure. When I first told the lady that I wouldn’t be cycling in December in Vegas, as soon as I got off the phone, I started crying. Oh no – what if I made the wrong decision? I had an appointment with my therapist that night, and she thinks the crying was all the losses coming up – oh no, here we go again. The Houston doc is so familiar – this clinic, and these people, this is where I’ve been pregnant, this is where I’ve lost my babies. Continuing to go back there is hard – I have so many memories of that place, whereas Sher in Vegas only represents hope. No bad memories to associate with him. She has a point, it makes sense. I’m going with that, because I can’t think of the alternative – I can’t keep questioning my decision.
So now I’m working on getting excited about doing IVF in Houston. I honestly think it will be much easier. I think I’ll feel better once we figure out all the insurance stuff – the hubs starts his new job tomorrow. Once I hear from the clinic that the insurance company approved the procedure, and once I figure out a calendar, I think I’ll feel better. So that’s the plan for this week – figure all that out, and map out a plan. That, and get a hysteroscopy – that should be fun!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
So Confused!
We went to see our local doc yesterday afternoon, and now we’re even more confused. I was dead set on going to see Dr. Sher for Micro-IVF, and spending 2 weeks in Vegas during December. Now I don’t know.
My regular doc was great, was very open to discussing IVF, stating that I could continue with the IUI’s if I want to, but of course my chances are much better with IVF, and he said he would prefer to do conventional IVF on me, with lots of drugs, which equals lots of eggs. He wasn’t concerned at all about my LH levels being higher than FSH levels, as he said that yes, it could hurt your chances of getting pregnant naturally, but once you’re stimulating using drugs, your levels balance out, and it should be fine. He prefers not to use Lupron – he doesn’t think I need it, and he thinks women get too suppressed with Lupron, so he stopped using it about 2 years ago. Instead he would do an antagonist protocol.
He was incredibly nice, very supportive of me speaking with Dr. Sher, had nice things to say about him, and was very willing to continue to work with me, even if I went to Dr. Sher. He’s going to do the hysteroscopy on me next week, which will be useful no matter which doctor I use for IVF. He said he didn’t think it was worth it for me to travel to Vegas and see Dr. Sher, as I should be an easy case, and I would have no problem getting pregnant doing IVF… Plus now with the hubs’ new insurance, I could do IVF here in Houston very cheaply.
I called the hubs’ new insurance company today to clarify their benefits, and confirmed that both my doctor here in Houston, and Dr. Sher, are covered in-network. It’s a $700 deductible plan, and they pay 80% of everything over $700, up to a $25,000 lifetime limit. And the out-of-pocket per year, after the deductible, is $2,500. So the most we would pay per year is $3,200 per year. And I’m not exactly sure about the drugs – they couldn’t figure that out without a member ID, and we won’t have that until Monday when the hubs starts his job.
I’m so confused. Both doctors would probably be fine. But why are the docs so different in their thoughts on drugs? I’m getting tested today for Natural Killer Cells. If those come back activated, Dr. Sher would likely treat it – not really sure how. But if they come back activated, I could probably ask my local doc to treat the same way, and he would probably be fine with it. Just like he did with Lovenox. Oh that’s another thing. One doctor (Sher) said I don’t need it, one doctor (local) said I may not, but probably wouldn’t hurt with the Lovenox, might help. So what is the right answer? I wish doctors would agree on this stuff!!!
So I’m now completely confused – don’t know which way to go. It would definitely be easier to do IVF at home, I wouldn’t be alone for most of the time, and could work at work for most of the time. And it’s not like Dr. Sher is going anywhere – if this doesn’t work here, I could always go to him in the spring, right? I don’t know what to do! (By the way, I'm definitely open to opinions and advice...)
My regular doc was great, was very open to discussing IVF, stating that I could continue with the IUI’s if I want to, but of course my chances are much better with IVF, and he said he would prefer to do conventional IVF on me, with lots of drugs, which equals lots of eggs. He wasn’t concerned at all about my LH levels being higher than FSH levels, as he said that yes, it could hurt your chances of getting pregnant naturally, but once you’re stimulating using drugs, your levels balance out, and it should be fine. He prefers not to use Lupron – he doesn’t think I need it, and he thinks women get too suppressed with Lupron, so he stopped using it about 2 years ago. Instead he would do an antagonist protocol.
He was incredibly nice, very supportive of me speaking with Dr. Sher, had nice things to say about him, and was very willing to continue to work with me, even if I went to Dr. Sher. He’s going to do the hysteroscopy on me next week, which will be useful no matter which doctor I use for IVF. He said he didn’t think it was worth it for me to travel to Vegas and see Dr. Sher, as I should be an easy case, and I would have no problem getting pregnant doing IVF… Plus now with the hubs’ new insurance, I could do IVF here in Houston very cheaply.
I called the hubs’ new insurance company today to clarify their benefits, and confirmed that both my doctor here in Houston, and Dr. Sher, are covered in-network. It’s a $700 deductible plan, and they pay 80% of everything over $700, up to a $25,000 lifetime limit. And the out-of-pocket per year, after the deductible, is $2,500. So the most we would pay per year is $3,200 per year. And I’m not exactly sure about the drugs – they couldn’t figure that out without a member ID, and we won’t have that until Monday when the hubs starts his job.
I’m so confused. Both doctors would probably be fine. But why are the docs so different in their thoughts on drugs? I’m getting tested today for Natural Killer Cells. If those come back activated, Dr. Sher would likely treat it – not really sure how. But if they come back activated, I could probably ask my local doc to treat the same way, and he would probably be fine with it. Just like he did with Lovenox. Oh that’s another thing. One doctor (Sher) said I don’t need it, one doctor (local) said I may not, but probably wouldn’t hurt with the Lovenox, might help. So what is the right answer? I wish doctors would agree on this stuff!!!
So I’m now completely confused – don’t know which way to go. It would definitely be easier to do IVF at home, I wouldn’t be alone for most of the time, and could work at work for most of the time. And it’s not like Dr. Sher is going anywhere – if this doesn’t work here, I could always go to him in the spring, right? I don’t know what to do! (By the way, I'm definitely open to opinions and advice...)
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