Monday, November 29, 2010

All Over the Place

First, the most exciting news. Apparently I’m a good responder to meds! I’m so proud – finally my body is doing something right! I went in for monitoring this morning (CD7, have done 4 days of stims), and I have 11 follicles, all around 8-12 mm, and many more below that size. My lining is growing – it’s about 6 mm, so that’s good for this point. And my estradiol is 1,534. The plan is to drop the Menopur to 75 from 150, continue Follistim/Gonal-F of 150, and then add Cetrotide tonight. I’m developing headaches from the meds, which I hate, but other than that, I feel ok. I can definitely feel my ovaries getting bigger – they’re starting to shake when I walk. Wow, I wonder how I’ll feel by this weekend…

In other news, my Thanksgiving went well. We went to Denver, and saw lots of family and friends. My mom and step-dad came over to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, which I was nervous about – first time having both families together at the holidays, but it all went well. My mom even got a little tipsy, and it was hilarious - good times! We saw a bunch of friends and family. Few infertile moments:

Our friends just started TTC. We went to Europe with them in September, and she told me all about how she was going to stop the pill as soon as she got back, and then get pregnant. I’m so afraid she’ll be pregnant before me. She told me this weekend that she’s had really wonky cycles since going off the pill – she can’t tell when/if she has ovulated, and she’s been very late both cycles. Is it bad that I was secretly pleased? I hate that this is who infertility has made me. But yesterday the hubs and I were talking about them, and he said how pissed he would be if they got pregnant before we did – love seeing the jealous side of the hubs!

I haven’t been back to see the hubs’ family since June. This is when we told everyone I was pregnant, right before I miscarried. Nobody from the hubs family, except his mother, said anything when I miscarried. That’s fine, maybe people don’t want to say anything from a distance. But I was there this weekend, and his grandmother (who we gave a Great-grandmother frame to – right before we miscarried), and his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend, and his cousin, didn’t say anything at all. They didn’t mention anything, and I dropped a couple things in conversation, “when I was pregnant,” “hopefully if we get pregnant,” that kind of thing. And nothing. They all celebrated with me in June when we told them I was pregnant. And now, they say nothing. I know it makes people uncomfortable, but I was hurt they didn’t say anything.

And to top it all off, my friend who is having twins (accidentally!) found out the sex of her babies. They’re both boys. She came back to work crying after the appointment because she’s so disappointed. She has one girl already, and she really wanted another girl – she didn’t want two boys! I love her, but she’s a fucking bitch!

OK, rant over… I’m still very positive about this cycle, but I’m having a bitter day. Yes, I think I’ll get pregnant – one day – but I hate that I have to go through the rest of this crap…


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  2. Yay to a positive cycle! You know, it could just be an older generational thing...I know older generations kept so much secret and never talked about anything in detail - especially lady business. My mom still cringes when I use the word vagina...haha... don't let it get you down. They obviously love you very much.

  3. Glad to hear things are going well for you. It is so hurtful when people don't acknowledge lost pregnancies...

  4. Ugh. Who cries because they're having two healthy baby boys?

  5. Ugh about crying about the twins' sex!!! That's obnoxious.

    I do understand about your reaction to your friend who is trying. I hate that I even vaguely wish "bad" on people by wishing a "delay of good." Makes me feel like a bitch. IF sucks.

    As to the family's lack of comments. I've found that my friends and family who knew about the pregnancy and then knew about the m/c have basically said nothing about it since then. And, while hurt and disappointment, I can't say that I am surprised or that I would have behaved any differently pre-IF. It's hard to imagine how something with such an impact on us can have so little impact on those we love. Even those who have had m/c themselves. And, they also just really don't know what to say. I know I never did before I experienced it. (This isn't to excuse them, it's just the argument I remind myself of whenever I feel shocked that they just don't seem to even care.)

    There's a great quote in "Waiting for Daisy": "The baby feels real. Yet, if the pregnancy goes amiss, that personhood is abruptly revoked and you're supposed to act like nothing ever happened."

    Anyway -- yippee for a great response to stims!!! Here's to a next great scan, too!

  6. "hurt and disappointed" -- "hurt and disappointment" makes no sense... :)

  7. I totally agree with Rebecca about people's reactions to miscarriages, unless you have experienced it yourself you have no idea the kind of loss involved. I also sometimes think that people mistake you not talking about it to mean that you do not want to talk about it and thus do not bring it up. it is such a crazy dance we are all in.
    First of all, I know that feeling that you speak of with your friend, it is just too much to imagine another person beating you to the finish line! Your co-worker, I have no words for, I am amazed that you were able to stand there and not smack her (even though I clearly know that smacking a pregnant woman or anyone in general is bad idea).
    P.S. we are total cycle buddies. i am on day 4 of stimms tonight too, although we are on totally different protocols. Glad to have the company.

  8. Yay for positive response! I'm glad that things are going well in the stim department. As for your friend, wow. What a bitch. Sorry, but some people just don't realize how good they have it. I wish I could afford to be that picky about what sex my "next" baby should be! And as for family, that's tough. I realize that people don't know what to say, but I feel like they should say *something* to acknowledge what happened. I get that it might be uncomfortable for them, but it's equally if not more uncomfortable for you. I wish people would understand that. I'm sorry, sweetie.

    Ending on a positive note: I hope things look great again on your next scan! Everything crossed. :)

  9. yaay for responding well to stims, alex!! your numbers are sounding great so far. i hope you are taking it EASY and that you're not too uncomfy with the bloated belly yet. i'm thinking of you and can't wait (for this to work)!!! xoxoxoxo.

  10. Oh GOD, the crying over the sex of the babies... Quick story - Hubs's cousin was pg and was told it was a girl, so they got everything ready for baby Emily or whatever her name was. Baby's born and guess what! BOY! Cousin was fine about this, but her mother FLIPPED out and even so much as said it felt like a loss to her! Crazy bitches out there, I tell you.

    I'm so sorry your in-laws didn't/don't acknowledge your m/c. There is just no excuse for that, IMO. ((Hugs))

    And I get secretly feel a tiny bit of satisfaction when someone else has a little trouble conceiving too. I think it's okay, as long as we're able to keep it in check :)

  11. I'm so happy that you are responding beautifully to the drugs!! And wow @ your friend... How did you bite your tongue??

  12. Yay for your positive response to the stims! I hope this cycle continues to go well for you!

    Sorry to hear about your family not mentioning your miscarriage. That must have hurt. I wish more people understood how important it is to continue to tell the mother that they remember and are sorry about her miscarriage(s) over time.


  13. Congrats on the great responding! I completely understand the evil competitive side that comes out when going through IF, at least you can blog about it and not feel horrible when you say it on here!
    Good luck this cycle!

  14. Yay for having great response to the meds!!! You're kicking some serious a$$!!! And screw your friend. ;)

  15. Yay for the excellent response!!! This is going to work!

    I too am glad that your other friends aren't pregnant yet. Whatever if it's evil, you need to be first, and you also need an IRL IF buddy. I'll wish on her a sacrifice of a few months out of her life for that (not too much trouble, just a little is all I ask).

    As for your work buddy, I do want to smack her. And I LOVE the thought of twin boys destroying her house and every fibre of peace in her life. I hope they both have ADHD, just for retribution for her ungratefulness!

  16. Damn, this is an information packed post!
    First, yay body, way to be a good responder! Keep us posted.
    I am sorry your family didn't acknowledge your loss, it must be difficult. Otherwise, I am glad you had a good holiday.
    Your feelings about your friends wonky cycles are honest. I think it would be difficult to find an IFer that wouldn't feel similarly, no sweat.
    And crying over two boys, puh-lease biatch!

  17. Sorry about the headaches but apart from that sounds like you are doing well!
    Your friend is seriously SO ungrateful. UGH!! Anyway I know how hurtful it is when peeps don't say anything, unfortunately that is just something we have to deal with :(
    Looking forward to hearing more cycle updates.

  18. Hooray for such an awesome response! I have such a good feeling about this for you!!

    I'm so sorry about the way the ILs reacted (or didn't react AT ALL) about the miscarriage. I had a really similar reaction from my family and I was very hurt. I think people just don't know what to say, they're afraid they'll say the wrong thing or they don't want to bring it up and upset you. It's sucks.

    And screw your work buddy for being upset over two boys - give me a break!! Ridiculous!!

  19. I was listening to a co-worker who is pregnant with #4 in 3 years complain about how she just had to have a girl this time around. I wanted to reach around the wall and punch her! Anyway, what great news from your appointment!! It is such a relief when our bodies finally cooperate. Good luck!!

  20. Your ovaries are such good listeners :) I am glad that this cycle is starting off well and I hope those numbers continue to increase as needed! Sorry about the lack of comments, sometimes I think that people freeze and just don't know what to say. I am that way sometimes, but a hug could go a long way too.
    Keep up the good work Ovaries :)

  21. I don't think I'll ever be able to relate to a fertile pregnant woman. Ever. *sigh*

    Glad to hear your holiday was nice. I was really hurt that my sister never acknowledged our loss either. It sucks when you don't know what to say, but you know what? You just suck it up and say you are sorry and that you are thinking of the person. Not terribly difficult.

    Best wishes on your cycle!

  22. It is wonderful to hear you are responding so well to the meds! I remember the giggly ovary feeling. It was so weird! I hope it all continues to go just as well as it has so far.

    I knew a girl who had an infertile step-sister (who eventually went on to adopt), and cried and pitched a fit when her third pregnancy was another boy. She actually cried and pitched a fit TO HER INFERTILE STEP SISTER and tried to justify her pain. I wanted to beat her pregnant ass down.

    And sadly, I can relate to the secret sense of happiness when someone who so glibly thinks they will get pregnant right away has a little bit of trouble. Its good for what ails them. If nothing else, it will help her appreciate what you go through on a new level, as well as appreciate motherhood more when it happens.

  23. I'm so glad your body is doing so well with the stims!

    On the gender disappointment front - we were actually watching a doco called "8 boys and wanting a girl" the other night about people going to EXTREMES to have a girl after a few boys and I was SO MAD by the end of it I was screaming at the tv!! For people that have never struggled to conceive or hold a pregnancy, they just flat out DO NOT GET IT. It's crap, but it's part of this lovely IF package :(


  24. Im so happy your are responding so prepared for some soar Ovaries in the end....With my very first IVF I had something like 30 small follicles and 15 that were above or at 20mm on egg retrievel and my E2 levels were crazy high....Drink some gatorade or anything with electrolytes and salt will help to preven OHSS:) Just a tip.

    Also you are def not alone in people whether it be family or friend acknowledging recurrent pregnancy loss....I think a lot of it is just purely they dont know what to say even though at times it would be nice to know they are at least thinking about you and trying to understand what you are going through....I delt with this a lot with my in laws but they are that type so I couldnt really fault them for it...Thank God my family and friends were on the other side of the spectrum so it made up for it

    Well Take care and keep those follies growing!!!!

  25. That is so awesome that your follies are growing like weeds! Grow grow grow!

    My pregnant coworker cried because her oops baby is going to be a boy and she already has two boys, WAHHHH. Ugh. People are ridiculous.

    Sorry to hear about hubs family... I have many family members that handle tough things that way too and it is hard. I know they care, but it would be nice to hear from them.

    Good luck with this cycle Alex- this cycle was SO meant to happen! xoxo.

  26. That's awesome you are responding so well! Hoping this cycle keeps going perfectly for you.

    I feel bitter a lot of the time too and I often feel guilty about it. The reactions you described I would have felt as well. Even if the feelings are negative, it must be nice to know your husband feels similarly :)

  27. Whoohoo for a great response!
    I'm sorry for the lack of understanding with your inlaws.
    One should never be crying sad tears after a Good ultrasound. That's shameful.

  28. So happy to hear you're such a great responder!! As for your friends who are TTC, it's totally normal to feel that way. I still can't stand to hear about someone getting pregnant in just a couple of cycles, I don't know if it will ever get better.... As for your work friend, I have no words (or at least no positive ones).

    Good luck with the rest of the cycle!

  29. I'm so happy for your body lovely lady and its ability to cooperate. Yeah progress!

  30. Grow follicles grow! And that is just terrible that someone was upset about the sex of their HEALTHY baby!

  31. Yay for a great response!
    I'm so sorry most of your family never said anything. I know it's hard to find the right words (if there are any), but telling you in some way that they are sorry for your loss is not expecting too much. Hang in there -- hopefully there are many better days to come!

  32. I hate it when people do that. A child is a child and you don't always get what you want.

    I'm thrilled that the meds are working and look forward to keeping track of your progress!

  33. Hey hun! I am so glad to hear that you are responding well to the meds!!

    I don't think it's bad at all that you were secretly pleased. Her cycles help to solidify the fact that you're not alone. It's nice to know that you aren't the only one who struggles. Even though you read all of our stories, it isn't as reassuring as seeing someone you know deal with the same issue. Besides, I was upset that DH was completely normal. If the way you felt is bad, I'm going to hell in a hand basket! <3

    As for the family... I'm sorry that they didn't say anything. I feel that they could at least have tried offering some comfort... Ya know?

  34. Forgive me, as I know this woman is fundamentally your friend, but what kind of douchebag can't dry her tears over the tragedy of having boys by the time she gets back to work from a doctor's appointment? Sheesh.

    So glad to hear you're a good responder and that you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.