Today I Feel…

Scared – tomorrow is my hysteroscopy. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but anesthesia scares me. People keep asking me have I ever had general anesthesia. I answer yes, in June, when I had a D&C, when I lost my baby. (Feel sad about that answer…)

Gratitude – while I was trying to figure out which of my friends would take off work and come pick me up after the hysteroscopy, after I cab myself to it, the hubs called his mother and asked her to fly here from Denver and take me. She immediately said yes, she’ll take a week off from work and fly down here and stay with us until Sunday. She was excited and honored to be asked, and I think she’ll be great with me tomorrow. She will work some remotely, and she wants to do projects around the house – she’ll be working on the yard while we’re at work. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful mother-in-law.

Ashamed – Yesterday I told my mom that my MIL was coming to help with the hysteroscopy, and she said that she would have done it, and she sounded very hurt. I told her that the hubs did it without asking me, which isn’t exactly the truth, and that next time I need something, I’ll call her. I feel horrible about hurting her. And yes, she had said that if I ever need her to come there, that she would do it. But I am so afraid of being disappointed by her. No, she hasn’t disappointed me really in a couple years, but I also haven’t asked her for anything either - intentionally. We’re both trying to work on our relationship, but it’s hard, it’s awkward. I’ve lived in Texas for three years, and she has never been here. I’ve asked her to come, but she always has something to do – she’s always busy. And she doesn’t even work. My MIL, on the other hand, has probably been here about 5-6 times, and she works full-time. But we’ve always felt like one of my MIL’s highest priorities, and I’ve always been aware that I’m pretty far down the list for my mom. Maybe this is changing, she acts like she’s really making an effort, but I’m so afraid to test the waters. All I know is that I truly hurt her when I told her I didn’t ask her for help. And for that, I feel bad. I wouldn’t have told her at all, but she’s going to my MIL’s house for Thanksgiving, and I know that MIL will talk about her trip here. Oh that’s another post – so nervous about combining the families at Thanksgiving!

Excited – I took my last birth control pill today. Tomorrow is the hysteroscopy. I should get AF in the next few days, go in for CD3 bloodwork/ultrasound, and then we start! I found out on Friday that I’m officially covered with the new insurance. I should get my ID numbers today or tomorrow, and then I can have the clinic verify everything, but I don’t expect any problems, as I’ve already had the diagnosis and treatment codes verified that they’ll be covered. The only thing I don’t know about insurance is how much of the drugs are covered, but worst case, if we have to pay for those, it’s still a lot less than a regular IVF cycle OOP. So by the end of this week, or early next, I should be stimming!

Anxious – I have a bunch to do at work (what am I doing writing a blog post???) before I leave today, go to therapy (thank goodness for her!), pick up my MIL at the airport, and take tomorrow off for the hysteroscopy. So I better go, but thanks for listening…