Hating myself

The hubs was gone all weekend – he went to Denver on Thursday and came back last night. Which meant I was home alone. Which I usually love. Of course I love hanging out with the hubs, and would prefer for him to be there, but I like being alone every once in awhile. But not this weekend. It was generally ok, I made it through the weekend fine, I kept myself pretty busy and took care of some stuff. But I didn’t realize how much I was feeling needy, and wanted the hubs to be home until he got home.

I think it started when he got home and started complaining about something immediately. And then I think I asked him to do a few things – gosh, I can’t even remember what I asked him to do. But at one point, he barked at me, “OK, let’s start making a list. How many things can you ask me to do in one night? You’re so bossy!” Then my feelings got hurt, then he continued to say slightly negative things – not really bad, but nothing nice. I think I just wanted him to come home, act excited to see me, and want to spend the evening cuddling, or doing nice things for me, or something. I hate when I get like this. It’s like the inner child comes out and throws a huge temper tantrum. Which is what I ended up doing – the evening ended with me crying in bed, and the hubs saying I’m out of control. I don’t even know how that happened, I just wanted things to get better, and they were spiraling out of control. Finally I was able to say through my tears, “I feel so alone. I spent all weekend, feeling scared, and feeling sick. And thinking of you in Denver with our friends having a good time. And how I couldn’t be there.” Finally he softened up and held me for awhile, which I guess is all I really wanted.

I hate how vulnerable I feel. I hate that I’m so needy. And I hate that I’m acting like such a child – who is this woman? I used to be so independent, and I’ve turned into this sniveling baby who cried when her husband goes away! I hate this side of me! I definitely didn’t do what my therapist tells me to do: stay in my adult!

The other thing that really bothered me last night is he told me about a conversation he had with his best friend (K) and K’s wife (J). J and I are pretty good friends, but we don’t really talk on our own. When the four of us get together, we have a great time, but J and I have never hung out or talked on our own without our husbands. We all vacationed together in Europe in September, so we got to know each other even more, but we haven’t really talked outside of our husbands since. We spent quite a bit of time in Europe talking about trying to get pregnant – I was trying to get over my miscarriage, she was on her last round of birth control pills before starting to get pregnant, and she’s a nurse, so she’s fascinated by all things medical. I saw her in November, and I knew that her first cycle after BCP didn’t go well, but she seemed positive and upbeat, hoping everything would be fine.

I asked the hubs how they were doing, and asked if they were pregnant yet. And he said, “no, and don’t bring it up when they’re here.” They’re coming to stay with us for a long weekend in May. The hubs and K and J had a long conversation about it late Saturday night, her cycles are really long to the point where she is wondering if she’s ovulating, her doc has recommended Clomid, but they both think her cycle will figure itself out – that maybe her body isn’t over being on BCP yet (she went off of them in September!). But J doesn’t feel like she’s ready for meds. The hubs suggested that K go get a semen analysis done, just in case, as it’s a good step prior to meds and completely non-invasive. So proud of him for suggesting that, as it was a bit of a struggle for him to get it done the first time! But he said that J started crying, and is upset that it’s not going well, and she sees her friends having troubles (like the hubs and me) and she worries that it will be the same for her. And that all I talked about while we were in Europe was TTC – either the miscarriage or my future plans for me, or talking about starting to TTC for her, and she doesn’t want it to take over her life like it did for me…

First, I feel so bad for J and K, especially J. I want to help her, and call her and offer support, and all that. I know how stressful the worrying that there is something wrong can be. But now I don’t feel like I can do that. The hubs thinks I should just ignore it because J thinks that is all I can talk about or think about. And you know what? J is right. It is all I can think about. I have spent the last two years obsessing about it – every single day. And now that I’m pregnant, I’m worse. All I can think about is whether this baby will live. I’ve always hated those women – those moms that don’t have anything to talk about but their kids, or those pregnant women who don’t have anything to talk about but their pregnancy. I didn’t realize I became the kind of woman I hate a long time ago, and it’s only getting worse.

I feel so bad that this is who I am. But it is. My parents or friends ask, “how are you?” And I respond, “I’m good – I’m still pregnant.” As if that is the only thing in my life. But it is – that’s how I feel. And from feeling awful for my friend J but not knowing how to help, to getting upset with the hubs because he dares to leave me and have fun while I sit at home and worry about our baby, this is my life. And I don’t know how to change it.