Monday, April 11, 2011

Hating myself

The hubs was gone all weekend – he went to Denver on Thursday and came back last night. Which meant I was home alone. Which I usually love. Of course I love hanging out with the hubs, and would prefer for him to be there, but I like being alone every once in awhile. But not this weekend. It was generally ok, I made it through the weekend fine, I kept myself pretty busy and took care of some stuff. But I didn’t realize how much I was feeling needy, and wanted the hubs to be home until he got home.

I think it started when he got home and started complaining about something immediately. And then I think I asked him to do a few things – gosh, I can’t even remember what I asked him to do. But at one point, he barked at me, “OK, let’s start making a list. How many things can you ask me to do in one night? You’re so bossy!” Then my feelings got hurt, then he continued to say slightly negative things – not really bad, but nothing nice. I think I just wanted him to come home, act excited to see me, and want to spend the evening cuddling, or doing nice things for me, or something. I hate when I get like this. It’s like the inner child comes out and throws a huge temper tantrum. Which is what I ended up doing – the evening ended with me crying in bed, and the hubs saying I’m out of control. I don’t even know how that happened, I just wanted things to get better, and they were spiraling out of control. Finally I was able to say through my tears, “I feel so alone. I spent all weekend, feeling scared, and feeling sick. And thinking of you in Denver with our friends having a good time. And how I couldn’t be there.” Finally he softened up and held me for awhile, which I guess is all I really wanted.

I hate how vulnerable I feel. I hate that I’m so needy. And I hate that I’m acting like such a child – who is this woman? I used to be so independent, and I’ve turned into this sniveling baby who cried when her husband goes away! I hate this side of me! I definitely didn’t do what my therapist tells me to do: stay in my adult!

The other thing that really bothered me last night is he told me about a conversation he had with his best friend (K) and K’s wife (J). J and I are pretty good friends, but we don’t really talk on our own. When the four of us get together, we have a great time, but J and I have never hung out or talked on our own without our husbands. We all vacationed together in Europe in September, so we got to know each other even more, but we haven’t really talked outside of our husbands since. We spent quite a bit of time in Europe talking about trying to get pregnant – I was trying to get over my miscarriage, she was on her last round of birth control pills before starting to get pregnant, and she’s a nurse, so she’s fascinated by all things medical. I saw her in November, and I knew that her first cycle after BCP didn’t go well, but she seemed positive and upbeat, hoping everything would be fine.

I asked the hubs how they were doing, and asked if they were pregnant yet. And he said, “no, and don’t bring it up when they’re here.” They’re coming to stay with us for a long weekend in May. The hubs and K and J had a long conversation about it late Saturday night, her cycles are really long to the point where she is wondering if she’s ovulating, her doc has recommended Clomid, but they both think her cycle will figure itself out – that maybe her body isn’t over being on BCP yet (she went off of them in September!). But J doesn’t feel like she’s ready for meds. The hubs suggested that K go get a semen analysis done, just in case, as it’s a good step prior to meds and completely non-invasive. So proud of him for suggesting that, as it was a bit of a struggle for him to get it done the first time! But he said that J started crying, and is upset that it’s not going well, and she sees her friends having troubles (like the hubs and me) and she worries that it will be the same for her. And that all I talked about while we were in Europe was TTC – either the miscarriage or my future plans for me, or talking about starting to TTC for her, and she doesn’t want it to take over her life like it did for me…

First, I feel so bad for J and K, especially J. I want to help her, and call her and offer support, and all that. I know how stressful the worrying that there is something wrong can be. But now I don’t feel like I can do that. The hubs thinks I should just ignore it because J thinks that is all I can talk about or think about. And you know what? J is right. It is all I can think about. I have spent the last two years obsessing about it – every single day. And now that I’m pregnant, I’m worse. All I can think about is whether this baby will live. I’ve always hated those women – those moms that don’t have anything to talk about but their kids, or those pregnant women who don’t have anything to talk about but their pregnancy. I didn’t realize I became the kind of woman I hate a long time ago, and it’s only getting worse.

I feel so bad that this is who I am. But it is. My parents or friends ask, “how are you?” And I respond, “I’m good – I’m still pregnant.” As if that is the only thing in my life. But it is – that’s how I feel. And from feeling awful for my friend J but not knowing how to help, to getting upset with the hubs because he dares to leave me and have fun while I sit at home and worry about our baby, this is my life. And I don’t know how to change it.

33 comments:

  1. Ok, don't hate yourself. It's pretty normal to get caught up in your own life, cause it is your life. Hang in there.

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  2. Don't hate yourself. =) Really. Your description of your husband coming home and feeling needy sounds familiar to me! I'm guilty of that.

    As for your friend, my first reaction is "Cry me a river...you've been trying for ...wait for it....ONE month...and you're already a mess." She has no idea. And, it's kind of rude and presumptuous for her to say that she doesn't want to become you and have it take over her life. Damn straight she doesn't want to go through what you have. But, good for you for not taking it like that and wanting to help her.

    And, finally, you are NOT "that pregnant woman." You are scared and rightly so. You can't change that. However, what you are not is the annoying pregnant woman that goes on and on about stupid stuff like, "OMG, my bra doesn't fit anymore." and suddenly you forgot IF ever existed for you. You are NOT that woman, so yay you!

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  3. I agree with the other ladies - no need to hate on yourself. If it's something you don't like it's important to acknowledge it, and maybe do your best to curb it when you can, but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

    And I think maybe it would be nice to reach out to J, maybe when you have a minute alone. Just let her know you're thinking of her, yada yada. You know the drill...

    Hang in there!

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  4. It's pretty hard NOT to obsess about infertility/pregnancy when it's dominated your life for so long. It will be interesting to see what happens to us after our babies arrive and our brains get to think about something else for the first time in years. As for being moody and needy, I hope you can both laugh about it later on. Sorry, but I'll admit I laughed at you a little bit because it all sounds SO familiar. We're all guilty of that sort of behavior sometimes.

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  5. I have to agree with what the others said before me. If you KNOw that's how you are, then there's a good chance you won't stay that way. you were on a mission and you became (and very fairly so) absorbed in the mission.) Now you are baking your take home baby and slowly but surely the fears will dissipate and you'll start to reclaim some of yourself. It's a process. Life is a process. and as for J, it just so happens that she caught you when you were in the TTC trenches. But that doesn't mean that who you were at that moment in time is who you will always be. Boo on her for making you a snapshot. (((hug)))

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  6. I thinks it's really normal to be a bit psycho during pregnancy (all them hormones). So cut yourself a break. As for being very focused on your pregnancy that's also normal especially when one has had a miscarriage. Be kind to yourself, you're doing a great job!

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  7. Don't be so hard on yourself, Alex. After all us infertiles go through I think we should all be cutting ourselves some slack to act a little unreasonable every now and again. You are pregnant...your hormones are going crazy!

    It's too bad your friend said those things about you when you were trusting in her your feelings about your miscarriage and IF. I sure hope she doesn't have to go through what you went through, but God forbid she does...it'll be consuming to her just like it has/is for you, and the rest of us! And, she'll be looking to you for advice and support.

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  8. Don't beat yourself up so much. Although, I know what it's like to slip out of my adult and throw a tantrum. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. (((Hugs)))

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  9. I definitely agree with everything everyone has said above.

    For your friend, I've been in a somewhat similar situation. My friend M just started trying about 7 months ago or so and we've barely talked since then. I think both of us were terrified of what it would be like if she got pregnant immediately. But, she hasn't and it's starting to take its toll on her. She's a little older than I am and feeling the pressure more and I think my being open with her about what's going on has made her feel more comfortable being open with me.

    And, I'm sorry she sees you as a cautionary tale. Personally, I think it is good that you are there to be there to help her through it if she does have to go through anything similar.

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  10. Alex don't be so hard on yourself! how many fellow bloggers have you seen sailing through pregnancy like nothing bothered them? None!! I am really sorry for your friends but I also don't understand their approach...she's worried there's something not right but she doesn't want to do anything about it? I think maybe she'd like not to think too mch about it but given her reaction to your hubs's suggestion I think she's already in the loop. I agree though that you shouldn't bring it up. She knows she can talk to you (ask you things) so give her time. Love, Fran

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  11. I would maybe shoot her an email saying you're willing to answer any questions she has, or something like that. Open the door and let her walk through it when she's ready. She might think that, now that you're pregnant, you no longer want to talk about TTC. (Or that you'd offer annoying "I just relaxed!" advice. Some people really do do this.)

    I don't blame you for missing/needing your husband. That's what marriage is about, especially when you're working together towards something important, like a birth.

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  12. Oh honey, I really don't think you were being a child at all. I am the same with my husband and not after he has been away (cos he doesn't do that), but just when he comes home from work and does his own thing, my feelings still get hurt. I really think he could have been a bit more sensitive to your feelings-asked if you were feeling ill, etc. And you are more than just this journey. You are an amazing friend to all of us for one. If this journey has overtaken your life a little though, that is totally normal. Of course you want your baby to survive-and since the baby is living inside you, there's no way you can forget, even for a second. Please give yourself a break. I also think J's comment was a little insensitive. Hang in there you are doing great.
    xxoo

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  13. I definitely agree with the others. Give yourself a bit of a break. It's stressful to be where you are right now and to have to do that with PG hormones raging?! You'd be a saint not to have little conniptions every now and again!

    How sweet is your husband when he was talking with your friends! Not many guys would recommend SAs to their guy friends. I'm sorry that your friend is having difficulties TTC, but I think it is absurd that she doesn't want to talk about it so she doesn't become obsessed with it "like you". Uhh, that happens to every women that is TTC and hasn't had any success after several months!

    Hang in there!

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  14. Now I don't know the answer to this question, but do you think you'd have been thinking only about your ttc or the fact that the baby is still alive if you hadn't been infertile? I don't think you're self-centered. I think you're scared, and your experience gives you good reason. I feel justified in being irritated with women whose worlds shrink to an itty-bitty circle, robbing them of compassion for anyone else, when they don't have a decent excuse. But in times of crisis, everyone's world shrinks. And the problem with IF is that it can be a continuous crisis for 5 or 10 years. It impoverishes all our relationships and our development in all other areas of our lives for that reason. Now I am ranting...sorry...but here's to taking our lives back, to finding a place where there's nothing to be worried about or afraid of any more.

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  15. Oh Alex...I'm sorry. I think this whole thing produces interactions like you had with your husband-you miss them more than normally, you would like a little more understanding, and just miss them. The hardest is when you know you're not acting the way you "should" with them, but then they do something or say something that sends you into an emotional tailspin-I had one a few weeks ago when Rob went skiing. Be patient with yourself right now-you deserve it. The journey we are on is a series of worries, and blessings, and I don't think anything you are feeling is wrong. Thinking about you and wishing you all the best, as always.

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  16. Ah yes-- How well I remember the pregnancy psychosis of hating myself for pregnancy psychosis! I basically had to brief Eric thoroughly on the effects of hormones on mood, and on how to deal with me during those times. After the briefing, things went pretty well.

    As for not wanting your life to revolve around ttc, WHO DOES??? J is right to not want that for herself! I think she's likely in for it anyways, though. It doesn't sound like she was criticizing your character at all (if it was just you, she would have no need to worry about it happening to herself-- and she is worried-- and rightly so. ttc SUCKS!!!).

    There is that criticism out there about moms who are 'obsessed'. That they are stupid and shallow or something. Fuck that. Your baby will be the most amazing and fascinating creature, and raising it will be the most fun, rewarding, and challenging enterprise of your life. Of COURSE you should be passionate about it!!! Really, it's ridiculous to think otherwise.

    But I agree that you should wait for J to broach the subject. She knows you're a resource, and if she wants to talk about it, she'll come to you. I keep doing the same thing though-- encouraging all my ttc friends to talk to me about it, saying things like, "Oh, if you need anyone to talk to about it...". When really it's ME who wants to talk about it!! :)

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  17. You can't hate yourself, Alex. You have gone through a traumatic experience and anyone else in your shoes would be the same way. If your friend endures IF or some other struggle, it will more than likely overtake her life as well. She just hasn't gone through something like that yet so she doesn't know. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. =(

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  18. I'm sorry about J's reaction, but I agree with the above, of course that is what you talked about.
    I hope that she comes around and feels as thought you are a resource for her.

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  19. I don't think it would hurt to reach out to your friend maybe in an email or something. You can't feel down on yourself for achieving such a special gift. I know it's rough, but it was your time.

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  20. Do not beat yourself up. Everyone is different when it comes to IF or how to pick what to cook for dinner. Whatever way you go about it is OKAY, it's your way, no one elses. Plus, she is like 6 months deep into this journey and it is easy to say you don't want it to be your 'life', but once you get deeper and at a certian mark (different for each of us), you throw everything you have at it bc looking back with regrets is terrible. You look and analyze everything trying to make sure you are doing what you can-it's the only control you have over any of it!
    If they can by pass those feelings and that reality, more power to them. But don't let their judgements hurt you no or ever. They haven't walked in your shoes, they haven't had a BFP pulled from under you and had to deal with the physical and mental aspect of a MC.
    Just be you and deal with everything how you need to and don't apologize for your ways! xoxoxo

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  21. Oh hun, please don't beat yourself up! You've been through the ringer! I totally understand why your emotions and feelings are that way. I would probably be the same way! Plus your body is changing and hormones are doing crazy things. I'm sorry you have to go through all this - I wish it could be "normal" :-( HUGS!

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  22. You have been through so much I don't think it's strange to have these worries. Of course it's consuming, you fought so hard for this and it's yours to protect. Hope your friend can accept your support along the way if needed. Hugs.

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  23. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through so much and it's understandable (at least to me) why you are so focused on TTC and now being pregnant. I wouldn't doubt if your friend's fertility issues don't take over her life in some way, too. The longer it takes the more focused and determined most of us become. I guess when she's ready maybe she will come to you. If not then I feel like it's her loss because you are a great support system.

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  24. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are in a very frustrating place. Don't hate yourself (easier said than done of course), you are dealing with a very crappy situation. Whether or not you end up with a baby won't erase all this struggle. Try not to dwell on how you've been acting - all you can do is make changes (even tiny ones) going forward. *hug*

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  25. Pregnancy does weird things to our heads. Not only pregnancy, but pregnancy after infertility. I have a 2-year-old and infertility and TTC still runs my life, as much as I hate to admit that. It becomes a major part of who we are because it is what we deal with day in and day out until we have a baby in our arms, and even then the scars that are left over never go away. It is difficult. There is no other way around it.

    You are finally pregnant, after so much heart ache, and I would expect nothing less from you than to feel clingy. Seriously. You have been through A LOT. Add to that, pregnancy hormones, and you are doing as well as anyone can expect. Give yourself a little grace to feel the way you do. There are reasons you feel this way. Work through them, but don't beat yourself up while you do. There are a lot of emotions at work right now, and that is to be expected.

    As for your friend, well, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I learned this one the hard way myself. I have a friend who started going through IF right as I finally got pregnant. I think after hearing what we went through, it scared her, and she pulled away from me. I felt so bad because I wanted to be there for her, especially considering I knew exactly what she was going through. I finally just had to let her go and tell myself if she wanted to talk to me, she would. It's so hard to watch someone you care about struggle and not let you help them.

    Ease up on yourself sweetie.

    *hugs*

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  26. It's okay. The neediness comes and goes. it's to be expected with hormone levels simulating a roller coaster. i'm happy for you.

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  27. Alex, I think you have amazing insight into all of this and I don't think you need to apologize for having had this dominate your thoughts. She just can't understand that yet.

    If you're up for a suggestion, here's what I would think might be a good way to approach J: I'd send her a message (email? hand-written notecard?) that was short and just simple, saying something like, "I'm so sorry you're having trouble TTC. I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you ever want to talk about it. I'll let you decide if/when that might be, but know I'm here if it helps you to talk."

    You may never hear from her. But I suspect she's just like we were at the beginning of this hellish rollercoaster. She doesn't want to be on it. And she doesn't want to believe that she might be on it for a while. And she doesn't want to be reminded of that by talking, right now, to those who have been on it for a long time. And I hope for her sake she's off the rollercoaster very soon, but if she's in for a ride, then it might really help when she finds herself 3, 6, 12 months from now that, if she's ready, she has someone who understands.

    Take care of yourself! I *still* qualify the "I"m pregnant" statement with "if it lasts" even though we have about as good news as we're likely to get. It's totally understandable. And yay! for just telling the hubs what it was you needed. You deserve it!

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  28. Be kind to yourself, Alex. And ask the husband to do the same (just blame it on the hormones).

    For J, oh well. She's probably scared, emotional, confused, in denial. Don't we all remember that stage? I often don't want to talk with people in "real life" about IF because it makes me cry so easily, and I don't like crying in front of people. Maybe she's more afraid of her own reaction than of the rest? I think from your previous conversations, she should know that she can talk to you, but (if you can) I'd let the subject rest and wait for her to bring it up. Or not. (hugs)

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  29. You are being way to hard on yourself! Hang in there. Sending positive thoughts your way!

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  30. Oh, that scenario sounds like something that happens in our house all the time. And not just when I have excuses for being emotional... You deserve to have him come home and want to coddle you! But I suppose he deserves to come home and kick back.

    I am very hopeful that you will soon get to discover that this is not who you ARE, just who you were when you were going through this pretty endless hell. I mean, how could it not be a big part of you? I'm also betting if things don't turn around for J she'll soon find it's all she can talk about or think about...

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  31. don't be mad at yourself for having needy moments. That's what a husband is there for, and you're there for his needy moments. On top of that, you're pregnant, your hormones are not what you'd call stable right now, and that is perfectly normal and okay. Be in your adult 95% of the time and have your meltdowns every now and then, it's NORMAL, and if hubs doesn't like it, then tough, he'll learn to deal :)

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  32. That dynamic with your husband does sound familiar, and I imagine the pregnancy hormones are exaggerating both your reaction in the moment, and your sadness about it afterwards. *hugs*

    With your friend, I like Hope's suggestion to send her a note letting her know you're available if/when she wants to talk or ask questions. It took me more than 6 months to get on a normal cycle after getting off BCP, so hopefully for her sake that's all it is. (There's a reason, after all, for the classic advice to try for 6 months to a year, depending on age, and then see a doctor.)

    Hang in there -- you'll get through it!

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  33. I am not sure what happened but you disappeared from my reader. I was wondering where you went..lol
    I Oh..I have been there. Sometimes, men just do not get the signals. I have been there. It sounded like your hubby recovered well after the crying though. Sometimes, it just happens. And now i don't feel so alone.
    as for your friend, that has got to be a little hard to hear. I would also feel feel like I would want to call her too. Maybe send her an email or maybe facebook?

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