As I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a rough few weeks with the hubs. The guy doesn’t talk – he doesn’t like to share his feelings or anything. We’ve been better the last week or so, but we still haven’t talked, and honestly I wasn’t expecting to talk. Until last night. We went out for happy hour with some friends after work, but came home around 7:30 o take care of the dogs, and we ended up drinking and talking outside on the deck until about 11:00. It was amazing, we talked about everything. Granted there was some liquid lubricant on our words, but it was really nice to hear his thoughts. It started when he got terrible news about a friend of his. This man is his grandmother’s boss, but he’s been in the hubs’ life forever – his grandmother started working for him before hubs was born, and she still does (she’s 91 – most amazing woman ever!). This guy has been the hubs’ mentor, a father figure, even a boss for a few years there. Well he is sick – they’re not sure if he had a stroke, but he’s in the hospital, but hopefully going home soon. He lives in Denver, and we’re in Houston, and the hubs is trying to figure out when he can go up there to see him.
We started talking about how crappy this summer has been. With everything that has happened with us and the baby, and our friend with breast cancer, and our friend with a heart attack, and my friend who just lost her baby, and now his friend is sick. How much more can we seriously handle? The conversation wasn’t exactly sad – it jumped around a lot. We talked a lot about his work, which is his favorite topic. But here are the other things we discussed:
• He talked about the miscarriage. He mentioned the email I sent him before the appointment when we discovered our baby had no heartbeat. I said in the email: “You haven’t been able to see or hear the heartbeat yet, and I really want you to see it.” He told me last night that it breaks his heart every time he reads it, and he hasn’t been able to delete the email yet. I told him I was sorry that he never got to see the heartbeat, and he said that he was really looking forward to it – that’s why he came to the appointment, but what if he hadn’t been there for me during that ultrasound? I’m tearing up now writing this. I thanked him for sharing this with me – it gives me an indication of the grief that he feels.
• He mentioned a woman at work had a 30th birthday, and she said “I’m 30, and I have accomplished everything I wanted to – I had a baby!” Both me and hubs said “Bitch!” at the same time. I learned my hubs is also jealous and bitter! So nice to be on the same page!
• He said he read a few posts on my blog. I have to admit that the first few months that I had this blog, I hid it from him. Or I didn’t tell him about it. I don’t know why – I was embarrassed. He has made fun of bloggers, he said he thought it was stupid. But about a month ago I told him I told him I had a blog, but I didn’t tell him the website address. Again, I was embarrassed – plus I don’t exactly hold back here, I treat it like a journal. But I had it open on our main computer one day and left to run an errand or something, and he saw it. He told me last night that he read a few posts, and he thought it was good. He was impressed with how honest it was, and he even said it was well written, which surprised him – and me! He said he thought it’s a good outlet for me, and he’s glad I have it. Amazing.
• We talked about all the different alternatives with treatments and our preferences about biology and processes for children. He said that his preference is, in order: his sperm, my egg, carried by me, whether that’s through IUI or IVF; his sperm, egg donor, carried by me; his sperm, my egg, surrogate; and then adoption. I asked him if he’d be ok with a sperm donor, but he’s so proud of his sperm counts that he can’t comprehend why we couldn’t use his sperm. I don’t particularly like the idea of a surrogate for us, but he would be fine with it. It’s important for both of us to have a biological connection with our children, but I think he feels more strongly about it than I do. I know we’re still on the early part of the treatment path, as IUI’s seem to work, but I’ve always wanted to hear his opinion about what we’ll do on this path, and he finally shared his thoughts. I also asked him if he thought being childless was an option, and he said no. But he said that it’s mainly because he didn’t think it was an option for me more than him. And he’s right. It’s not an option – at least not for a long time. Throughout all this conversation about alternative treatments, he kept saying, “I could always go hump a bunch of woman. I’m willing to take one for the team!” Thanks buddy! So funny…
• Finally after a lot of liquid courage, I asked him if he thought I was going to be a good mother. He sighed, and said yes. I asked him why he said otherwise before, and he said he didn’t like it when I don’t constantly watch the puppy – you have to constantly watch a baby! I said that we’ll be the very best parents we can, but we’re human and sometimes things happen. All over the world, kids fall and hurt themselves or get into trouble when parents aren’t watching, but kids usually are ok. I said we’ll do our best, and he said ok. At some point in the middle of the night last night, I couldn’t sleep, and I suddenly remembered a story about the hubs childhood, and I asked him about it this morning. When he was about 3, his grandmother was supposed to be watching him, but didn’t. He was walking on a retaining wall outside, and fell down and hit his head, and was in a coma for a few weeks. Obviously he turned out fine, but I’m sure that story stuck with him. I asked him if that’s why he was so concerned about parents watching their kids, and he said yes. And he thinks it’s generally a good practice! I agreed with him – it is a good practice, and I promised to do my best. No wonder why he got upset when he doesn’t think I’m watching the puppy – it all makes sense to me now.
I’m so happy we had this conversation. It’s so good to hear his thoughts and feelings about what we’re doing. It would be great if we could have this kind of talk when we’re sober, but it’s a huge step. And the best part of last night’s conversation is it was very easy! A big part of that is I never got upset. I tried to allow him to say whatever he needed, and I just let him talk without judgment. I only teared up once, when he told me about the email that he keeps in his inbox, but that’s it – my tears never help our conversations. I feel like we’re completely on the same page again, and ready to go forward in our journey together. We’re part of the same team again, which is amazing.